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Some things aren't better off as secrets…

I had every post of this month planned out and up until a few days ago, I was doing so well at sticking to it. However, it came to the mental health post and I realised I couldn’t pretend and write how I was in a much better place compared to last year. I mean I have been, but that’s been down to a few reasons. I want to be honest and open right now, without naming names. Those closest to me already know but I was asked not to mention this on any forms of social media… I am however, choosing to ignore that and write about it anyway.

A few months ago, I found my reason to smile again. I got with someone who I had known for years and someone that I wanted just as much. We originally started getting closer around five years ago, but due to complications, such as leaving for uni, nothing ever amounted to anything. A few months ago, we got back in contact and at first it seemed like everything had changed, that we were too completely different people to those people 5 years previous, but I quickly found out that wasn’t the case.

There was never any doubt in my mind that I wanted anyone but him. The day I finally got that chance, I swore that I would try my absolute hardest to make it work. Because in my opinion, nobody came close. I had spent so long wishing I had a chance, then when I finally got it, I took it with both hands.

To begin with, everything was peachy. We wrote each other handwritten notes, we took pictures together, I was smiling, and life was going well. He picked me up at a time when I needed someone, and he tried to make sure that I stayed up. He taught me so many things I didn’t know, like how to be a better mother to Luna, how to be stronger and stand up for myself, how to face the world. I could do anything because he was by my side. We did everything together! There was nothing that gave me more joy than seeing him with Luna and the bond they created. He made me a better person today, than when we got together, and I know that I brought out some good things in him too. He made life choices that were for the better and started to pick his life back up and I was and will always be so proud of how strong he was and how much he tried to fight his demons. I’m just sorry that I turned into one.

I honestly thought we could get through anything. I thought I had found my future and I wasn’t prepared to let anything get between that. But I did. I let my insecurities and doubt eat me alive. We started to shut each other out. We both had things we were dealing with and we stopped confiding in each other. We stopped making time for each other and started doing everything apart. This slowly grated at me. Here I was, with the guy that brightened my birthday when it felt like the worst one yet, there was this guy that didn’t have to try too hard to get me to smile because he brought it out so easily. But because of how much I loved him, it meant that I would self-destruct and let my mind play tricks on me. I was so scared of losing him, that in the end, I ended up pushing him away. Digs started to happen, and arguments turned sour. I stopped finding ways to make things better. I continued to believe that I couldn’t make him happy. That he was only with me for this or that. That he wouldn’t want me. It was so easy to believe because I think so little of myself that I believed he deserved better.

I would never say I regret our relationship, because there is nothing in this life that he has had a part in that I regret. He found me and helped me beyond words. He brightened most of my days. He had his bad parts sure, but I never stopped loving him. He was the first guy that I could be in an argument with and continue to smile whenever I thought about them. He was the only guy that made me feel like I was something to someone. He put me so high on a pedestal that when I fell, I hit the floor at such a force.

The moment you turned away as you said goodbye, I shut the door and broke down into tears. Tears because I had forced this to happen. Tears because I was hurting, and I couldn’t take it. Tears because I had given up when I believed there was no other way to save us. Tears because I love you so much that it was breaking me. I sat in your dressing gown that had your smell over it and cried. I looked in every direction and there was some sort of reminder that a hole had built. I never wanted it to come to that. I wanted to find a way to make it work but I wanted us both to want it and I stopped believing in you.

How was it fair that for ten years I waited for something to last four months and to break me at the end of it? How was it fair that even after we went separate ways, that I couldn’t stop finding things in you? How was it fair that we went through so much, only to be torn apart? How is it fair that you could never see how much you meant to me? How is it right that we hurt like this?

I wanted to believe with my whole heart, that we were the strongest I had ever known. I wanted to believe that we could have faced everything and won. But there were so many things stopping me from telling you the truth. Telling you how scared I really was. How much I just wanted to hide because opening up to you meant doing something, I had trained myself not to. I wanted to run into your arms whenever I got scared but then I realised id never have left.

I became someone who couldn’t be what I wanted. I believed that I couldn’t make you happy. I believed I was bringing you down instead of picking you up. And that affected me in ways I should have shared. I wish that I knew a way to fix us. I wish I knew how to make us okay because I would, in a heartbeat. Maybe one day, we would be able to talk and try to fix this. But for now, I want you to know that a relationship with you is worth so much but not at the expense of losing ourselves. If I could find a way to make this right, I would!