So, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I thought it would be a topic worth discussing on my blog. Sexual Assault is a horrible thing to go through and no person alive should have to go through it.
A description of sexual assault found on the Met website goes by this “The overall definition of sexual or indecent assault is an act of physical, psychological and emotional violation in the form of a sexual act, inflicted on someone without their consent. It can involve forcing or manipulating someone to witness or participate in any sexual acts.
Not all cases of sexual assault involve violence, cause physical injury or leave visible marks. Sexual assault can cause severe distress, emotional harm and injuries which can’t be seen – all of which can take a long time to recover from. This is why we use the term ‘assault’ and treat reports just as seriously as those of violent, physical attacks.” 
At the age of 13, I engaged in a sexual relationship with an 18-year-old. This was not a typical relationship and should never have happened. However, it did, and I can’t go back in time and change what happened. Although, I technically gave consent, I was still underage, and it’s considered as Statutory Rape within the UK. He used many different phrases and techniques in order to keep me “under his spell” and now thinking about him makes me feel physically sick. I didn’t know back then but he was purely using me for sex and as a toy. He didn’t care about my feelings and wouldn’t have cared the emotional distress that he put in for years afterwards.
And then fast forward to the 1st of August, I had to endure being held down and strangled whilst my then boyfriend had sex with me. He woke me up and didn’t care that I didn’t want it, he continued. He held me down and strangled me until I lost consciousness and I don’t remember much. It was supposed to be a romantic night of us sleeping under the stars in a tent, however that romantic night turned sour and it was the start of what would be a reoccurring problem. I wish I could say that it only happened once, when he was going through a tough time, but the truth was, it wasn’t. It happened repeatedly and I had no one to talk to.
I’m not telling you this to get said people into trouble, hence why no names have taken place. I am writing to tell you that these attacks have made me the person that I am today. There are nights where I wake up in a jolt because of nightmares. There are days where I have paranoia that they are going to come back and destroy me a little bit more, but the truth is, I know they will never get close enough to hurt me. I may have PTSD because of some negative people but that doesn’t define me. They made their choices, and I swear I will not let their choices define who I am or where I go in life.
I want everyone who has ever had someone touch them without their consent, to those that have had to endure a person force their advances without their consent, you are fighters and their actions aren’t because of who you are! You are not responsible for them or their actions. You did not deserve their actions and you are stronger than they can ever be. You may not feel it right away, but you will get passed it. It may take therapy, it may take a tonne of drugs and bad choices, but you will beat their actions because you have it in you.
I know that for the longest time I believed that I deserved it. That I was responsible for the things that happened to me. I thought that if I had been a better person, it wouldn’t have happened. But that simply is not true. I never asked for them to do what they did. And after it happened, I felt that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because of shame or belief that they wouldn’t believe me. I had to live in fear that they would come back and harm me again. I had to have their images repeated in my brain for years because I didn’t open up to anyone. That probably did more harm than good because in stead of facing those demons that they left behind, I hid from them. I found ways to escape. I believed the lies that it was all my fault and that no one would ever care because I had become damaged goods. I have scars left behind from their touch, but those scars are now a reminder. A reminder that I am stronger than ever because they will never reach me again.
So many people don’t come forward when it comes to sexual abuse for so many reasons. They could have been drinking or taking drugs, they could know the person responsible, they may be living in fear but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t come forward. I know I never did because I was scared of wrecking someone’s life like the way they wrecked mine. I was scared that I would be ignored or told that I was making it up. I was scared for the families that I knew personally and how they would react. I feared being judged by people that had no clue, but honestly, a part of me wishes I had come forward so many times.
Now, to the people that have committed these acts, why? Why did you feel the need to damage someone mentally and physically because you couldn’t take no as an answer? Why did you feel that your needs were more important that theirs? How would you feel if your sister or aunts or daughters had to go through the atrocious acts that you put on others? Why can’t you keep your hands to yourself and act on reciprocation and consent? You are wrecking more than your own life by not keeping your hands and actions clean.
I want all my followers to know that there are many people you can talk to about being abused. Police and therapists are the key people, because they can help you get justice for yourself. But also, you can reach out to me. I will always be available to listen without judgement and without fear of it going any further. I also want you all to think about your actions. Don’t do anything against someone’s will and just don’t be a dick. If anyone wants to reach me, you can get in touch via my Facebook page, twitter or Instagram. I will always answer. I hope the future sees a decrease in sexual assaults because no person on this planet deserves that kind of torment. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re keeping healthy and isolating. And as always, keep smiling, even when it hurts.