Every cloud has a silver lining. You just have to look for it.
A little under a month ago, I attended an assessment of my mental health at my local hospital. I was referred there after being told there was a strong possibility I had BPD and it would be the only way I would know for sure. I attended said appointment and it was awful. I’m not going to sugarcoat. I was a wreck and I felt like I left in a worse state than when I went in. He said another appointment would be in the post but I’m still under assessment.
Fast forward to today and I received two letters from the hospital. The first stating that I had my next assessment appointment come through and the second was my care plan. Because I’m still under assessment as “I have a long history” (their words not mine. Talk about make me feel like I’m loosing my marbles. What they meant to say was, it’s not easy because for a 25 year old female, I’ve had to deal with a fair amount of crap) and we had time constraints. The second point being that I need to see a psychotherapist because he doesn’t believe counselling will help, because he believes I need something more long term.
Normally, this would send me into an anger I can’t get back from. However, I am trying to see the positives. I mean sure, I have a letter confirming I do need help but it’s more than I had last week. I mean sure come the 17th, I’m going to want to cry my eyes out but maybe, just maybe it will help. Maybe, if I actually just stop worrying that I won’t be okay and believe I might be, it won’t be looming around like a bad smell.
I’m one step closer to being able to get my head back to thinking straight. I mean I know it’s not going to happen overnight but the steps are there. And I want you guys to know that you can do it too. Your mental health is important and you are the only person that can make it better. But you have to speak up.
Believe me, I know how hard it is to want to talk when every fibre inside you is telling you not too. I know that most days you don’t even want to get out of bed. That doing normal things like brushing your hair, getting dressed and taking a shower become some of the most difficult. There were days I didn’t want to get out of bed. There were days I wouldn’t shower or get dressed. There were days I was a disgusting slob and I didn’t care. But not this year!
Yesterday, I refused to let myself stay down and sure I was tired and drained from the night before but I managed to get myself out of bed and to socialise with people. I managed to sit and play with daughter without needing anyone else there because I finally felt I could. I know there are days where I haven’t given Kieran the credit he deserves because my goodness he puts up with a lot. And it’s about time I started to dip my toes.
He has been both parents most of the time. He looks after our daughter every day. I have tried. My goodness I try but I know I could do more. I love my daughter more than I ever thought possible but I haven’t been anywhere near as good as a mum as I can. I can’t remember the last time I changed my daughters nappy, put her to bed or even gave her a bath. I can’t remember the last time I read her a story or got her dressed. Kieran does all those things and so much more. To begin with, I breastfed her, I got her dressed and I would bathe her, all with him but i knew he could leave me alone and I would still be fit to look after her. Not so much at the moment.
Now I can tell you that even though I have been at my weakest, I have still cuddled her every time she cried, I have still sung to her at times when she wouldn’t relax and I have sat and listened to music with her dancing. But that’s not enough. And she deserves so much more. But I have tried. Today however, we sat and sang songs and played for an hour this morning. We had time together that I missed so much! And because of her, I knew I was gonna be strong today. Because she needed me to be. So I got up, I got dressed and did my make up and went into town by myself. I may have had a massive panic attack in town and not stay there for very long but I did it and nobody can take that away. I may not have got everything I would have liked done, but I did get what I needed done. And today, even a little bit off a long list is okay.
It’s day two and today, even a little was enough because that’s still more than I did yesterday. So remember, It’s okay that you didn’t get everything you would have wanted done, because you got something done and even if that’s just getting out of bed. That’s worth be proud of. Don’t let your mind dictate what can and can’t be a good day. Let the bad things pass and focus on the things you did today! Because what ifs and could haves aren’t as important as the things you’ve accomplished when you felt like you couldn’t do anything.
I love you guys and thanks for reading. ❤️