Categories
Health❤️

#BorderlinePersonalityMonth ❤️

For the whole of May, it’s BPD month, so I figured as someone with this mental illness, that a blog post dedicated to it would be worth it. It’s one of the hardest illnesses that I’ve ever had the misfortune to have because it affects each and every day of my life.

Ever since I got diagnosed, I’ve had nothing but trouble. Most people will look down their noses at me because they don’t understand. They will belittle me because it’s easier than open their ears and listening. And mostly, too many people don’t care and will happily trigger you so they can tell you how much of a horrible person I am. Yet, I’m one of the most open and caring people I have ever met, and even though my days are hard, there are some good points.

Symptoms

  • Needing attention
  • Emotional Outbursts
  • Social Withdrawal
  • Self-Destructive Behaviours
  • Being Clingy
  • Forgetting Things
  • Getting upset about simple things
  • Weird and unusual triggers
  • Needing validation

As someone with BPD, I have experienced all of these and so many others. I have emotional outbursts that don’t make sense that have stemmed from something so small. I have outbursts because I don’t feel like I can tell people what’s really bothering me. I shut myself off all the time and I cling onto people that I care about because rejection and abandonment fill my head each and every day. During times of emotional distress, I end up verbally lashing out. I end up pushing those I love away and making the situation a thousand times worse. And they are coming from not wanting to be left again. Because I can’t see the grey, it’s either good or bad, never okay and because of it, I can go from one extreme to the other at the drop of a hat. It’s uncontrollable and soul destroying when I hit the bad parts. It’s like a darkness swallowing me whole. It feels like I’m the worst person in the world who doesn’t deserve love and friendship.

I could talk about the negatives until the cows come home but that’s only one side to this disorder. I may experience the worst of the worst, but I also get to experience the best of the best. And those are the moments I live for. For pure happiness. It’s like being so high that nothing can touch you. At that moment, you feel like nothing can hurt you and it’s perfect.But here are the positive sides to this condition that are underestimated.

  • My relationships with people mean everything to me. I have a big heart and care about everyone in my life. I have listened and been there for people long after I should have. I have cared for people long after they stopped caring for me. I have been there for people I barely know and I have listened to people that needed me.
  • As someone who is so emotionally sensitive, I can generally read people’s emotions better than others. I can tell you when people are agitated because I have to go through it every day. I can signs that seem so obvious to me yet others wouldn’t even acknowledge them.
  • I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve lived in toxic situations and had people that are supposed to love me unconditionally trigger me and not care. Every day I wake up in a toxic house, filled with toxic people. And the day I get out of here, I won’t look back. Sure, some days look like I’ll never get out of here, but that hasn’t stopped me trying. I’ve been lied to and abused. I’ve been raped and neglected. Yet I still wake up with a little bit of hope that things may be okay. I’ve looked into the devils eyes and told him that he will not take me. I’ve been strong when every fibre of my body was telling me to quit. So yes, I’m emotional, but ask my best friends, they will tell you that I’m one of the strongest people they have ever met. I’m strong because if I wasn’t, I’d have killed myself long ago.
  • Having BPD, means that I have become more creative because I tap into emotions that others can’t understand. I can write, act, and interpret things that others wouldn’t even dream of. Some of the greatest writers had forms of mental health problems such as Ernest Hemingway and Virginia Woolf. They both suffered dramatically yet their books are a part of culture.
  • I am passionate about so many things and yet it’s a blessing and a curse. It means that I will not give up fighting even when I should. It means that people who refuse to open their minds frustrate me. It means that I will argue with people when I believe their wrong even if it means losing them. But it also means I won’t back down. I won’t stop fighting for what I want.

Living with BPD is hard because we have so many triggers. Some of them are rational whilst others are stupid and these are just a few.

  • Being ignored or feeling like I’m ignored, starts off the abandonment and rejection. It’s like a reminder that I’m not worth their time or effort. It’s hard because I already feel that way and getting ignored just confirms it. Then I feel like I need to repair the situation which also makes it worse.
  • Being told to calm down when I’m not angry. That starts a series of emotions that result in anger.
  • When my feelings are invalidated like “it’s just going to happen until you change it”, “you’re way too emotional for me”, “well that’s a bit over the top”… whilst these comments may be true, you’re basically telling me that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do instead of helping me cope with how I’m feeling.
  • When people tell me how to parent my daughter. This grates as my mood all the time. This will come from people that have a massive part to answer for why I am the way that I am. It’s the same people that live to invalidate me. It’s the same people that would tell me that they don’t care if they trigger my bad moods because they are right.
  • When the older generation say things like “well it was acceptable in my day”… really? People were punished for who they loved, people were invalidated and degraded because you people believed it was right. No. Just because in your day it was acceptable doesn’t make it right. A prime example was when three people that are atleast ten years older than me, told me that it was acceptable for a person to say to a child that their parents leaving them was their fault for misbehaving. That creates so many problems that the older generation are naive too.

Now for some statistics. 7/10 people will try to kill themselves whilst living with this disease. 1 in every 10 of us, will achieve suicide. This comes from not feeling good enough, from feeling like a burden and from believing the worst thoughts in their head. Nearly all of us will have some form of self harm or self destructive behaviour and we can’t stop them. We try and most of the time we fail. And even though that failure confirms how we feel inside, we still try and stop ourselves. Sometimes we feel too much and others we don’t anything at all. We feel like a contradiction.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov

This is my first post dedicated to BPD, I’m a bit late as I’ve started it on the 6th. But every day I want to educate and inform people about something that needs more awareness. I’ll be writing about triggers in more detail as well as some of the more positive sides. I’ll tell you all about the different sides of this condition, explain what it means to have and be a favourite person to someone with BPD as well as how I’m managing to live with the biggest emotional range I’ve ever experienced. Thank you for reading and I hope you have an amazing day. As always, check me out on twitter or insta by searching OpenUpWithMe and drop me a message. Until the next time. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

Arguing with people…

I hate having arguments with people yet, I seem to have loads. I mean, I’m a lot better than I used to be but I know I still have a long way too go. I’m a very argumentative person and sometimes that is my downfall.

Part of the reason I argue with so many people is because I don’t open up when I should or because I get way too emotionally involved in the argument. Most of the time, I am way too passionate and it comes across the wrong way. I mean, I happen to believe that as soon as you’re shouting during an argument, you’ve lost. I lose all the time. I can’t help but shout if I feel like I am not being listened too. 

When I argue with people, or even have a disagreement, I get worried that they are just going to go. I mean I watched people all my life, argue and then disappear. So when I do have a little disagreement, I push them away because I believe it’s only a matter of time before they disappear and I get scared. That is something I need to work on, and I am trying but, Rome wasn’t built in a day and I can’t fix myself that quickly either.

I’m the type of person who cannot stand going to sleep on an argument. I feel like it just makes everything so much worse. If they can’t be sorted straight away, I honestly don’t think they will ever get sorted. The longer it takes, the less hope that it will be okay is there. I wish I could. I wish I could just leave it and not worry but it’s so hard. Yet, there are other times, where I’ve gotten to the point that I cant physically be asked to argue anymore and that’s worse. Because, the day I stop arguing, is the day I stop caring. If I don’t see the point in fighting for what I believe in, I just stop and let it go. I have fought for everything in my life, and I have fought to get my voice heard, I wont stay down and I will continue to fight. I just wish it didn’t come with complications.

Recently I had a little disagreement that was blown out of control because I did something out of anger and fear. I didn’t think of the person in question and was selfish. The truth is, fear will always make the worst of the situation if you let it. The hardest part is telling fear that you will not become a victim to it. Had I done that, I probably wouldn’t feel like I’m losing one of my good friends. For the record, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I know that you were offended. I am sorry that I lashed out through fear, I’m sorry that I made you question how much you mean to me, believe me, I am more thankful for everything you do and I really do miss you. I know you don’t exactly want talk to me right now, but that doesn’t change that I am sorry. I could sit here and tell you how much I need and want you in my life, but right now, I know you need space. You just don’t realise how much this is killing me.

I know I am a handful. I know I am insecure and I drive everyone crazy. I know that I have issues that make this difficult but know that I care too much. I get scared all the time and its easier to push everyone away than let them in. I am sorry that so many people have got hurt in the process. I am trying to work on it, but I just can’t change every negative over night. I love each one of my friends dearly, and its the small things they do, that get me through every day. They are my strength on days where I feel weakest. I am sorry that you’re growing further apart. I am sorry that I can’t be “normal“.

Pink is powerful. ❤️

Just because I argue, doesn’t make me a bad person. Just an argumentative one. Hope you’re all okay. And don’t leave people that mean a lot to you, festering in bad moods and negative feelings. Don’t let them doubt how much they mean to you and don’t lose them. Because, you’ll be wishing they were there every day. Ferrari.❤️

Categories
Positive❤️

I don’t even know…

I could really go to town on myself today. It’s an extremely bad day and I really don’t feel like myself at all. Physically, I am exhausted. I slept for like two and a half hours and woke up feeling worse. Mentally, I’m defeated. My brain has been in overdrive all day and nothing is distracting it.

I feel bad because I had a piece in mind. A piece that I spent so long writing and yet I criticised it at every turn. I have had so many people drumming in the negatives that it’s all I see when I’m writing. I mean there are things that I know I still need to come to terms with. Things that I need to stop punishing myself over because it wasn’t my fault and people’s words that I need to forget. I wrote three different documents about triggers and it was extremely emotional to write. I think that’s part of why I can’t share it at the moment. It’s still really real and very hard to accept. But I feel like I’ve let you guys down. Because this isn’t the post I promised.

I spent a chunk of today asleep because I was drained and exhausted. I slept through my baby brother and sister coming over and I feel gutted about it. I missed out on a really cute moment between Luna and Beaudicea and I’m kicking myself over it. I haven’t really done anything today. And that in turn has made me feel lazy. Add that with the extra sleep, and we’ll I’m just a mess.

I thought when I started this blog, that it would be my way of coping because I can write a lot better than I speak, and it’s easier to write how I feel rather than say it. But I can’t. I have so many things that I can’t talk about because it will hurt a lot of people. Things I can’t talk about because I will receive criticism and crude remarks. Things I can’t talk about because I still can’t cope with thinking about let alone writing. I thought that if I could help one person by writing my blog, I’d feel like I could make a difference. Yet, I can’t even get out of bed right now so how can I make a difference?

I was having a down day and yet two of my good friends messaged me words of encouragement without prompting. My lemon messaged me out of the blue and told me that it was okay to have a nap, and take time for myself because my body must have needed it. It wasn’t me being lazy. And that helped. Some how she knew that I was kicking myself and sent me exactly what I needed to read. Another friend told me that how even when I feel weak and defeated, that I’m still one of the strongest people he knows, and that I shouldn’t give up fighting. And they are how I know I am making a difference.

My friends are amazing, my daughter and my best friends are the reason that I could never give up. They are my strength. They would use words like strength and determination, caring and loving, funny and contagious smile to describe me. Words I may not agree with but still. They say that I help them because I can go through hell and smile so they can do it too. And although I feel humbled, I’m not a good example. My best friends will tell you how I got them through some of their darkest days by being me and I know that I made a difference.

So although today maybe a bad day, I had enough and just couldn’t face it, they helped me remember why I do. They make me smile till my face aches and laugh like a baboon, they love and support me even when I can’t love myself. If you’re having a bad day, look at all then look at the people closest to you, because I can guarantee that they are the difference that you make. Even on your darkest days, they are the difference you make every day. I know that I wouldn’t be me without my best friends or my daughter. And that I never want to be without them.

Thank you for reading my jumble. I appreciate it. And I hope your days are a lot better than mine. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Family❤️

Sorry. ❤️

So I want to apologise. I am aware there are a fair few days missing from blogmas and I’m hoping to catch up over the next 48 hours. I’ve just had a rough few days.

Please know that I love writing for you guys and I love expressing myself in a way I can’t do anywhere else. But as much as I try to distract myself with writing, my heart just hasn’t been in it.

I’ve been writing them, most of them are nearly done, I just couldn’t complete them. And I’m sorry for that. I had another mental health appointment this week, with the hopes that I’d finally get my diagnosis, but turns out, my heads even more fudged than originally thought and he couldn’t give me a definitive answer and it sucked.

It sucks because without an answer, there’s no road to recovery. Without a diagnosis I stay in limbo for that little bit longer and it’s taking its toll on me. I didn’t want my posts to be upsetting around Christmas time because I truly love it, I live for Christmas time.

That being said, it’s Wednesday in the UK, and I am feeling a bit more positive. I wanted you all to know that I will be back and kicking ass. It’s just taking its time. I have a few things to do before I post what I believe is the eighth day of Blogmas. That just needs a little tweaking. Sounds a bit blah if you ask me. And then they will keep coming and hopefully by tonight if not tomorrow night at the latest, I will be back like clockwork. Thank you for reading.

Every good day starts off with a smile

❤️