Categories
Being a mum❤️

Bug bears as a first time mum…

When you’re a first time mum, you have so many people around you telling you all sorts of things. Now I don’t know how many would agree with me, but honestly, they drove me up the wall!! I know the kind of parent I want to be and I know the kind of parent I don’t want to be. I don’t need outside opinions about what I should and should not be doing with my daughter. I LOVE Luna, and I’d do absolutely anything for her but I’m going to learn how to be a parent the best way I can, by being her mum. As a first time mum, I’ve heard and been through enough to know which people to listen too. So I thought I’d discuss some of the key ones that jump out.

Just you wait until (enter next milestone here). My daughter is incredible and learns at her own speed. I could not and would not fault her for it. She can say about 6 words and know their meanings as well as walking, crawling, feeding herself with a spoon. She has about 12 teeth in her tiny little mouth (and oh my goodness, they hurt!), and loves music. She started walking for the first time days ago and I couldn’t be prouder because it means that she’s going to be exploring the world right there next to us. People that say, you’ll wish she weren’t walking are wrong. Because yes it means being vigil but as a parent of a toddler, you’re supposed to have eyes on them at all times unless you’re prepared to clean up the mess.

Oh look at her attitude. She’s your double, better watch out. Well done genius. She’s made up of half my dna which means she’s gonna take after me. She’s got an attitude? Yes. 100% got an attitude. But that’s not a problem. She is a sassy little mare and I love her for it. She will start spouting “blagger blagger blagger” and then puts her hand up and walks away. She said what she had to say and clearly she was done with the conversation. She’s one. Why would I punish that? She is growing into her character and she’s exploring. She’s a child and I hope that she continues to be the sassy little princess I’ll raise her to be. The girl can have manners and a bit of attitude.

In my day, we did this… no one can tell you how they used to do it. I mean it’s currently the older generation that’s in charge of the country and look how that’s turning out. Their priorities have always been in the wrong place and I don’t want my daughter growing up the way I did. I don’t want to ever be scared to come home, I never want to know that she can’t tell me when she’s upset and I never want her to feel like she can’t hug me.

If you pick her up every time she cries she’ll become attached. What a crock of shite! I know the difference between my daughters cries. And if my daughter wants a cuddle, guess what, she’s gonna get a bloody cuddle. No one gives a cuddle like she does. I stand by the phrase, you cannot over cuddle a child! Luna isn’t attached. Yes she has her clingy days, but that’s because she’s teething and it must really hurt to have teeth push through your gums. I mean could you imagine that 🤣. She is one of the happiest little girls you could ever meet. She will hug pretty much everyone and doesn’t get shy that often (there are a few exceptions).

Now I could go on but they are the biggest bug bears that I hear all the time at the minute. Luna is by far my greatest achievement. She gets up and dances when she hears a song she likes, she will sit and stare every time she sees Felicia in Shrek. I swear she loves the end credits of the third film more than the film itself. Her smile can lighten a room and make you awe. Luna is my creation. And I honestly can’t express how perfect her laugh is, it’s a joy that everyone should know.

She stole them from me to try them on.

What are some of your bug bears as a parent? Let me know. @OpenUpWithMe on Twitter, Insta and Facebook. Thank you for reading. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

#TimeToTalk

If you’re on Twitter, you’ll have seen this hashtag flying about. It’s about mental health and how we need to end the discrimination and stigma surrounding it.

I’m quite fortunate because I have a means of expressing myself through this blog and that’s my way of coping right now. But many people aren’t that lucky. They suffer in silence because they are scared to talk about their problems. That isn’t fair. But there are always options.

Now, I went to the doctor in order to get referred but you can do a self referral to mind and they are great. But there are people that you can talk to. And you shouldn’t feel ashamed. Plenty of people have an issue with their mental health but that doesn’t make you any less of a person.

Since I went to see my local GP, I got put in touch with the Access and Assessment Unit at my local hospital and have seen them twice with my third coming up in a few weeks. We talk about all sorts of things, and she just listens. Although she has a pretty good idea what’s wrong, and I’ve got one of my definite diagnoses, but I’ve still got a long way to go. She sat on the phone and just listened to me rant for half an hour because she knew I had a bad weekend. Just having someone to listen, helps.

She’s spoke to the psychiatrist who is willing to see me to start the weekly therapy process and I’ve been in touch with a dietician. That’s three different professionals who are helping me overcome my many issues. That’s three people that listen and help. They aren’t tearing me down every chance they get.

However, I know there are people that are going to read this and want to speak out and I will listen. If you need an ear, well I have two. If you need a distraction, well, I can try my hardest to make you laugh. You honestly don’t have to go through this alone. Mental health is normal. So many people have and will be effected in one way or another. Speak to people who want to listen. The ones who won’t tell you how you should be thankful because people have it worse. They won’t belittle you and make you feel like you don’t matter.

It’s okay not to be okay. You don’t have to have it together 24/7 and nobody should expect you to. But there are brighter days just beyond the horizon and you’re not alone.

I’m not afraid to speak out. #TimeToChange

Thank you for reading. Ferrari. 💝

Categories
Lifestyle❤️

Originally,

Well I was supposed to upload a post about children’s mental health and I just couldn’t press send. It’s fully written but I think its hard to open up some days. So I figured I would share something else.

I have found on days that I write, I don’t lose control as much. I mean sure I have the occasional snap but generally, it’s a lot easier to handle. And today was a bad day for many reasons but I don’t want to end it on a negative. I want to celebrate.

I started blogging properly in September of last year and I had no idea what I was doing, five months on and I don’t even think I really know now. But I do know that writing makes my life that little bit easier. It makes my mind a little simpler and my feelings feel like they matter. Even when I don’t post what I write straight away, I still have the release of my feelings and I don’t have to bottle things up. It’s not always easy to open to people, but writing doesn’t have a face. I don’t have to look at their emotions or read their facial expressions and see how I feel hurt them.

I purposely avoid sharing my blog sometimes, because I know that some of the people that matter to me, wouldn’t go out of their way to find it, and half of them haven’t even read it. They sit and wonder why I can’t open up to them but they don’t understand that they are the reason I don’t open up. I get met with things like negativity, being belittled and downgraded, being told that its simple and all I have to do is change the way I think. I mean according to some of the people in this house, my mental health doesn’t matter because I choose to be this way. Yet they may me feel bad because they can’t be bothered to take the time to understand it.

Yet, in 35 posts that I have done since September, I have had people I have never met reach out and say that I helped them with what I had written. That to them, my blog explained things that they couldn’t and it helped their families to understand a little part of what they may be experiencing. In those 35 posts, I have reached 18 other countries, and had over 800 visitors and over 1.2 thousand views! To me, that is truly remarkable. To know that there are people all over the world that have wanted to read the words I’ve written and that is moving. The fact that my little voice is read for many different reasons is bewildering because there are days I wake up with love and support and its usually on the days that I don’t feel like enough.

I have support from more people that I’ve never met than I do from the voices around me. I have truly remarkable friends not only in the UK but also in USA and beyond. I have people that I’ve never met who pick me up without realising it and I’ve heard from people that I used to be close with, that have been following how I am through my blog. Every one of those voices matter, and I want you readers to know that I could never thank you enough for reading, so I love you.

If you haven’t already, give my blog a like on Facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/openupwithmeblog, follow me on Instagram @openupwithme, or catch me on twitter @RariAyliffe❤️

Thank you for staying with me as I try to make sense of the world. Ferrari. 💝

Categories
Health❤️

Self-Harm

I want you to know before you read this blog post, that it does contain some very sensitive topics. There is a massive trigger warning coming with this post. But after the month that I have had, I really wanted to write this. Not for attention but for closure.

How selfish must people be to turn around tell someone who has self-harmed how wrong and pathetic it is? How righteous do you feel about yourself knowing, that the second you stared to pick on what they did, you put them in a position to want to do it again? How good did it make you feel, knowing the second you called them an idiot without listening to why? Did it make you feel like you achieved something by picking on someone who clearly needs help and not judgement?

There are people all over this planet that will say that those that self harm, do it for attention. That, cutting themselves is them acting immaturely to the greater world. That, harming themselves is pathetic and cowardly. It’s not. It’s not the right thing to do but it doesn’t make you immature or pathetic. Yes, you need attention, but you need the right attention. Not to the fact that you’ve harmed yourself, more to why you took to causing yourself pain when you “have people around”.

If you were to ask anyone of my friends, they will all sit there and tell you how strong I am, how whenever I am having a bad day, that I just get over it and don’t let it get to me. The truth is, I am that girl! I will always be a fighter and I will always fight for myself, my views and my daughter. I will always be strong for her! But that doesn’t mean that I am always that girl. Especially not now. That girl lives in me, and she is there but right now, she isn’t the person I see when I look into a mirror. I don’t see strength right now, I see weakness. I don’t see determination, I see failure. I see someone look back at me that isn’t the happy, bubbly girl I would be described as. Instead, I’m greeted by eyes that look dead, a swollen face and a broken mind. I’m greeted by someone who has lost over a quarter of her body weight because she doesn’t physically want to eat. I physically force myself to eat to throw it back up within an hour.

Statics regarding self-harm are so rare because very few people own up and get help. There are many different types and not all of them require hospitalisation. Within the last 6 months, I’ve displayed more than one type of self-harm. Yes, I have taken a sharp instrument to my skin in order to cause myself pain. Hell, I bite my nails and still managed to cause myself to bleed when I scratch myself. Yes, I have thrown my fists against a wall in order to cause myself pain. (I’d rather hit a wall and lose a bit of blood than hit the people causing me pain and risk losing my daughter.) But, not once, in all the times I’ve hurt myself was I doing it to end my life, nor was I doing it for attention. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts but there is a one year old that gives me more strength than she will ever know. Sometimes its easy and others, it takes every bit of strength I have, not to lose it yet I still do.

In the last year, I have hurt myself in ways that I shouldn’t have. I’ve caused myself pain and suffering because the pain in my head wasn’t real. Because society, make you feel like your mental health, doesn’t suffer and doesn’t experience pain. They would rather have you believe that those that self-harm are doing it because they want attention. If I wanted attention, the day I sliced my wrist up, I would have come straight into the room where there was at least 7 people who would have given me attention for it. I didn’t. I came in, got a cigarette and smoked it. If I wanted attention, I’d have told everyone that I was doing it. But the truth is, I didn’t know I was going to do it until I hit the floor and couldn’t cope with everything that was going on in my head. I needed that pain, to be real. To know that even though I felt weak, it was because of the pain on my arm and not the fact that I am suffering. I have been saying all year that I’m not okay, I’ve taken steps in order to get it back but there’s a process that takes time. And until that gets started, I’m not going to magically wave a wand and be better. I’ve been screaming out for help and it didn’t work so I hurt myself because I needed too. Not to end my life, not to cause pain and hurt to the people I love, no, I did it because I needed to feel real pain. Pain that was physical. Pain that was visible. Pain that couldn’t be denied.

I did it a week ago and it took three or four days for people to notice. I didn’t hide it because I needed to see it as a reminder that pain is real. But they didn’t ask why or if I was okay. Nope. They just wanted to tell me that I’m an idiot and I was wrong for doing it. Believe it or not, and I know this may come as a shock to some people, but I am aware of the pain I caused on myself. That’s why I did it. I know causing myself an injury doesn’t make me smart or cool, but it helped. Because at that moment, it was real and yes it hurt like a bitch and stung like hell, but it was real. I know it wasn’t smart, but it also wasn’t permanent. I managed to fight off the suicide and settle for pain. I wanted to end it all and I didn’t I chose to just settle for the pain that would come of it. I did it, because at that point, I was alone and weak. I didn’t do it, so you could all feel sorry for me, I did it because nobody listened to me when I said I was in pain, nobody heard me when I said I was struggling. Then when I finally did something to try and relieve some of the pain in my head to something visible, I just get told it’s self-inflicted and that its pathetic.

But do you want to know what’s pathetic? The fact that I have so many “friends and family” around me yet I feel alone and isolated. I have people around me and I can’t open up to them without their criticization or undermining how I feel. I can’t talk to the people I love the most without them taking it personally and attacking me. That’s what’s pathetic. The fact that I suffer in silence because everyone around me would rather point out what’s wrong with how I feel than understanding that things aren’t okay. They would rather pretend that I am a bad person than remember that right now I need support and understanding not victimisation. I don’t need to be told what’s wrong because my head does that more than you possibly could.

Now, this isn’t a bashing. In the last month, I have been going further and further down, in the last month, so many people have played their hand in helping make sure that I stay down, yet I have a few people that work so hard to pick me up every time I fall. I have people that spend hours trying to get me to crack a smile, to laugh even slightly. They are the same people that don’t ask what’s wrong because I wont just come out and say it, they ease me into it and let me open up without pressure. The same people that have sat and watched me cry are the ones that gave me a tissue and held me while I did so.

This isn’t me saying that self-harming is acceptable because in an ideal world, mental health would be regarded as just health and wouldn’t be looked at in such a negative view. People that self-harm aren’t some strange aliens from out of space, they don’t conform to a specific stereotype and come in so many shapes and sizes. Just because someone has scars on their wrist, doesn’t make them a bad person, it means that there was a time where they were alone and isolated and tried to scream out but couldn’t so took the pain out on themselves. They feel that they are a burden and don’t want to put that burden on to anyone else. Those people are the ones that are suffering in silence and would rather take it out on themselves than let people in. Our brains fight against us. They magnify and blur everything, so you don’t see what’s real and what isn’t, it makes it so that you can only focus on the negatives because the positives are spun that way.

What I want from this post, isn’t people to message me saying that they are here if I need them. I want them to go to people that they know are suffering and just aim to make them smile. Because one smile at a low point can change an entire day. I want them to stop looking at people with scars and cuts as aliens and start treating them as people. Stop pointing out how stupid or pathetic you think they are for what they did. But encourage them to keep fighting. To help them when they are low and to make sure that if they are suffering, they have you there just, so they don’t suffer alone. Had anyone been with me when I was alone and weak, I wouldn’t have felt the need to hurt myself. But I was alone. I was physically and emotionally isolated. I was barricaded behind the thoughts that were controlling me. And that wasn’t me.

I am not the person who hides away and cries in a corner. I am not the person who lets pain and suffering define who I am. I will be that person again, it will just take time and patience. But you can believe me when I say, those that have made me feel worse for cutting myself or punching walls, are the ones that won’t be coming into next year. Next year, I don’t want to be the shell of the person I once was, I want to be the person I am. The person I am meant to be. And I will get there. But if you aren’t supporting me, then please don’t say anything. I don’t need to be surrounded by negativity, I do however need to be surrounded by those that love and support me. Those that understand that, even though right now I am in a dark place, I am still me! One day I will be strong and stubborn again, one day I will be determined and courageous, and that one day will happen soon. But, if you played even a slight part in keeping me down, then I wont ever give you that chance again.

Every time you want to cut yourself. Do these four steps. Sometimes they help straight away and other times, they distract your mind long enough for you to get a message or a sign that you’re gonna be okay.

You are not your scars. Your scars don’t define who you are. And your pain does matter. And I know it’s hard. Because I’m still battling to get back to where I was. But I also know that the pain will go and happiness and love will take its place. ❤️

Categories
Lifestyle❤️

It’s not the victims fault. It’s ours for failing them.

I’ve read so many things recently that really got to me. And I’m not sure if it’s because I am a sensitive soul (I know so many people who would disagree with that but hear me out.) in the sense that I really get attached to things easily. Like things hurt my feelings a lot more than they we a “normal” person. And it annoys me.

So we all know about the case in Ireland right? The one where knickers were used as a form of consent. If you haven’t, I suggest giving it a read. I’ll post the link below. Well so many people were taking pictures with their underwear stating how it clearly wasn’t consent. (I will get into that shortly.) Today, I read a story about a guy who wants to claim that BDSM (or whatever else it’s called) is the reason we have rape.

So far, that’s two different stories about why rape happened. As opposed to actually blaming the rapists, members of society want to blame the victims. The people that didn’t agree to being sexually advanced towards, that didn’t agree to be assaulted. Those people that live every day with a fear that it could happen again. You want to blame those people?

What a girl is wearing, is no more consent than the hairstyle she has or the make up she uses. No that isn’t consent. So what she wants to wear skirts or shorts. She might feel really good about her legs, but that’s not an invitation to abuse her trust. So what, she has some cleavage on show, if she has them she should wear what she wants.

I know guys who wear the TIGHTEST skinny jeans I have ever seen in my life, because they make their ass look good. I know guys who buy tops a size too small or a slim fitted top because they spent hours on their body in order to feel good about them selves. But they don’t get blamed for being assaulted because it’s described as “boys instinct”.

In a school uniform, girls are sexualised. You are sent home; if your shirt is too tight, if you’re wearing too much makeup, if your nails are a bright colour all because they are a distraction. Not from you learning but from others. Because boys will not be punished for looking at you instead of doing their work. It’s the girls that suffer because they wanted to brighten up their life with a bit of pink nail varnish, because they wore a bright coloured bra and that’s apparently unacceptable. Not the fact that shirts that are worn by school kids are see through but the girls fault for wearing a colour that would attract attention.

No! That is not acceptable. I got sent home for having a top over my shirt. Because it wasn’t school uniform. But the jumpers they had made me skin crawl as I won’t wear wool, it makes my teeth grind together. So I went with a black top. And got sent home. That’s a joke. Not gonna complain at the time because I got a day off school but it’s a joke.

I know guys and girls who like to enjoy their sex life on the wilder side. Doesn’t mean they want or deserve to be raped because it’s not what they agreed to. That’s done between partners that have agreed and consented. That is completely different to having sex with someone who hasn’t given consent.

Instead, look at the boys that are pinging bra straps after the girl has asked them to stop. Don’t say oh that’s just boys being boys but expect a law suit when you’re older. No. Say it’s wrong. It’s unwanted. And their body is their right. You have no right, nor a reason to violate their body. Instead of looking at the girls saying their underwear was enticing, ask the guys why they clearly didn’t wait for consent. Look at the guys that think the drunker the bird, the easier the bang. Look at the guys who think it’s okay to sexualise things we know are wrong. And look at the people passing it off as boys being boys.

It’s not the guys fault when society as a whole blame the people who need their support. It’s societies. It’s the people that think it’s okay to intrude someone’s personal temple because they decided they wanted them then and there. No. That’s not okay. Being drunk, isn’t an excuse either. Being drunk is not consent.

Do you want to know what consent is? It’s a verbal yes! When you get older, and you get into contracts, you are told that silence is not acceptance. You need verbal or written confirmation. It’s knowing and understanding what you are getting yourself in for.

As a child you are taught that no, means no. And yes means yes. No doesn’t mean yes and silence doesn’t mean yes. So why forget that?

Do you realise how much we put victims through? I say we as the whole of society even though I’d like to think I wasn’t included. Do you realise how much fear can live in someone that’s abused? Do you know how many issues those people then go on to have? How is that fair? How is it fair that as a society, we blame the people that had their trust broken? Who do they look to then? Because society has already shunned them. It’s not their fault. It’s ours. So it’s time we as a society changed that.

Sorry guys. I needed to rant. I said I’d write about things I’m passionate about. So I did. And as promised, the link about the underwear being used as evidence. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-46207304. As always, thank you for reading. ❤️

Categories
Blogmas!❤️

On the fifth day of Blogmas…

On the fifth day of Blogmas, I gave you a post at a ‘reasonable’ time. (I started at half 7, I’m feeling optimistic.) Go me! Luna is all tucked up in bed, Christmas songs coming through my headphones and my laptop with my plan for tonight set out and I just can’t find the inspiration to write it. Well, I decided that I would just let my fingers do the typing and my heart do the thinking.

Today, I was talking to one of my friends that I used to see weekly at the pub for karaoke and I was in a good mood. He said that it was like looking at a twin because he forgot what it looked like to see me smiling and it looked healthy. It’s true, I was. This is the one time of year that I forget just how hideous I find my smile and lose myself in the magic. Its amazing how something so simple as wrapping presents can bring someone so much joy.

It may sound silly to you, but I consider wrapping presents to be an art form. I think there are so many ways to wrap presents because not every present comes in a box and presents come in every size. Some are big, and some are small. Some cost a month’s wages and others cost an hour’s wage. It’s incredible. But the joy comes knowing that come Christmas day, I get to share in their excitement. I get to see how happy they get over something that to others may seem trivial. So why is it that we can sit there and accept that people want different presents, but we judge them on the biggest gift of all and that’s the life they choose to live.

I mean I can remember one year, my brother had asked for a film that I couldn’t stand, and thought was absolute rubbish, yet its one of his favourites. Now, I for one am not going to tell him he’s wrong for liking that film because we all have different tastes. I didn’t turn my nose up when he opened it because I know that he loves it and that would have undermined his present. This year, I have five things all from WWE, and I don’t care because I will wear my new clothes with pride. Yet, I have had so many people judge me because I will happily watch two men act a wrestling script and buy into it. I have people judge me for being a mark, but I couldn’t care because I enjoy it. So why is it, we can accept peoples presents, even when we don’t like them, but we can’t accept life choices?

I think that there are many sides to a person, the same way there is many sides to a wrapped present. You can only see what’s on the outside not what’s inside until you take off the layer and see it with your own eyes. People are like that. Some people, me included, can be this confident, strong, determined person but on the inside screaming out for help. On the inside, I am crying, and I can’t stop. I pick every tiny detail of everything I do apart and over analyse everything. I doubt everything I do, and I live in fear that everything is going to go wrong like it has so many times before. I’m not what you see on the outside. I have many layers of me that some don’t ever get to know, and others are lucky enough to experience. I mean don’t get me wrong, I can and have been a horrible person. I am only human, and I made mistakes. But that doesn’t define me. The same as the clothes I wear, don’t define my wealth, and the jobs we do don’t define our place in this world. It just meant that I picked the wrong choice and that’s okay if I learnt from what I did.

Way too many people will judge you. Way too many people in this world will try to undermine and devalue you. Don’t let them. You are better at being you than anyone and you should know that. I for one, know what I am, I know who I am, and as much as I doubt that I’m doing the right thing, I’m trusting my heart to lead me to where I want to go and my head to guide me on the right track getting there. There are times I fail, and I get back up and try again.

Even though I’m scared of failure, even though I’m scared of rejection, I will always try again because even on the days I don’t have confidence in myself, people around me do and they are the ones I should focus on. They are the ones that don’t judge the people we are or the people we want to be. Despite the negatives that are all around you, listen and follow the positives.

You readers are my gift. In August 2017, I started this blog as an outlet and posted one thing. It took a whole year to post another and even though I let you guys down sometimes, you still come back and read. It really touches me. I have been having dark days, and one of you will message me saying how you loved my blog and you can’t wait to read more that I believe that my voice matters. Because even though I write on here, I don’t think anyone’s going to read it. Every time that figure goes up and someone, somewhere is reading what I wrote, I sit in awe. It amazes me that a post I’ve written has reached the other side of this planet. And I want you to know that I truly thank you for all your support. Because on the days that I don’t trust what I’m writing, like today, you guys give me the inspiration for a post.

Appreciate those around you, because during your hardest days and longest nights, they love you regardless. They will stand by you if you stay true to who you are. Appreciate that even though today was hard and some of you may felt like breaking down, it’s over another day that you kicked ass and lived. Just make sure those days mattered.

Her 1st Stocking 😍❤️

Twitter @RariAyliffe Facebook ‘OpenUpWithMe’, Instagram @openupwithme.

And until tomorrow. Thank you for reading my post. Merry Blogmas Readers🎄❄️⛄️❤

Categories
Health❤️ Lifestyle❤️

It’s okay to not be okay.

Today. I sat in the bath and just cried. I cried because it hurts. Right now, I am battling yet another infection as well as my mental health. I’m trying to battle being a great mum and a loving partner. I’m trying to push myself into being happy but it’s not working.

I can spend so many hours making sure that those around me have someone to talk to when they need them but half the time I just want someone to talk to me. To ask me if I’m okay and mean it so that I can open up to someone. I want someone to be able to look me in the eye and already know that I’m having a bad day and just hug me without saying a word. I want someone to care enough to make the effort.

I know that I spend most of my days portraying a facade. I pretend that I’m happy and okay. I pretend that nothing is bothering me. I paint this picture that I can handle anything because I want my daughter to know that she is capable of anything. That no matter what this life throws at us, we take it and rise above it.

That is me at my most vulnerable. Naked and alone. It takes everything in my fibre to bring my head back up when I’m washing it even though my brain is telling me to just give up. I battle my brain telling me how easy it would be to break the razor and give myself real physical pain. I battle my brain telling me that there’s no point in continuing because nobody cares. I battle myself every day. Whether it’s infections or mental well-being.

I know that again I’m pushing people away. I know that I’m building barriers again to protect everyone from myself. I know that I reached out to people and had it thrown in my face. I have people telling me that it’s gonna be okay and it’s just a bad day. I get that. But what do I do when the bad days outweigh the good? What do I do when I cause myself so much pain and suffering? What do I do when I’m the reason for my pain?

I’m so scared each and every day. I’m scared that I’m just gonna give up on myself the way I feel like everyone else has. I’m scared that I’m gonna push everyone away because I can’t stand to be hurt again. I can’t stand to feel isolated by people that claim to care.

But for now, I will continue to fight and each every day. I’ll fight alone if I have to but I won’t give up trying. I may feel like it. I may feel like everyone would be happier without me but I know that it’s because I’m down that it’s magnified. I know one day in my future, my mental health is going to be okay and the good days will outweigh the bad. I will fight for that brighter future because I deserve it.

Just because I have a smile and I’m laughing, doesn’t mean that internally I’m not screaming out. I know that I have friends that care. I know I have a partner who adores me. And I have the most perfect little girl. They are worth fighting for.

This is two sides to the very same coin. Taken on the same day. Within ten minutes of each other. And it’s okay. It’s okay to be happy and it’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to cry and let it out. It’s okay to not be okay all the time. It doesn’t make you any weaker. It doesn’t make you any less of a person. But you have the ability to make others feel better! Don’t waste it.

This post isn’t for attention. It isn’t for sympathy. It’s for recognition. I want you to recognise that even those that paint the biggest smiles are suffering. I want you to just hug those you care about and let them know that they mean something to you. I want you to check in on those that you know aren’t okay. Because right now, they may just need a chat or even a distraction.