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Being a mum❤️ Health❤️

Postnatal Depression and me.

When I first had Luna, I turned round to FOUR different doctors and told them that I had postnatal depression, they said it was just baby blues and it would pass… 13 months later and I still have those “baby blues” and yet it took a self referral to the mental health to get help. But the second the mental health team said that I had it, I had so many people say “oh I could have told you that”…. really? So why didn’t anyone stand up for me when I first said it? Why was I just brushed off and ignored? And now you wanna claim that you knew? No.

Yes. I have postnatal depression. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love my daughter, and it doesn’t make me a bad mum. It makes me a troubled one. It makes it harder to bond with her and I punish myself for it. I couldn’t get attached to her because I was constantly scared I was gonna lose her. Partly due to something sinister and partly because I had people threaten to get her taken off me before she was even here. I had nightmares that someone was gonna kidnap my baby girl every night and it made me not want to sleep.

My daughter is just over a year and I have never had a bath with her like most mothers would. I have never taken her out alone. I can’t be there when she goes to sleep and I get so nervous about being alone with her. I have spent probably about 5 hours alone with my daughter in her entire short life and that’s not because I don’t want too. It’s because I can’t. I get scared that I can’t cope and I panic. I’m scared that somethings going to happen to her and it’s gonna be all my fault. I’m scared of being a bad mum and neglecting her. And I wouldn’t have any sort of relationship with her if it wasn’t for Kieran. Because he is well and truly my rock.

My daughter is by far the most important person in my life and all I do is worry. I over think and I panic because I think of the worst things possible. But it’s only recently that I’ve actually started to bond with her and I won’t do it without support. I mean for the first 11 weeks of her life, I breastfed her and it was one of the hardest challenges I’ve had to face. She was an extremely hungry baby. She clusterfed so much that for the first few weeks, I had about 7 hours sleep a week. It wasn’t that much. I ended up in hospital because I was rundown and my body was suffering. It got to the point where she was having both breasts, whatever I could express and top up formula and I felt defeated. I felt like I couldn’t even give my daughter what she needed.

The day I made the decision to stop, was the hardest and was when I went downhill. Everyone told me that I wasn’t a bad mum and I had given her the best start to life but it didn’t matter to me. Because I felt like I failed again. I couldn’t go full term, I couldn’t give birth naturally and then I couldn’t breastfeed her. I saw new mums bonding with their babies and I felt even worse because I couldn’t. I saw mums lose their precious ones and I felt guilty. Here I was with a perfectly healthy baby and I couldn’t do the one thing they longed for. And still to this day, I punish myself because of other people and I shouldn’t.

Every day however, I make Luna her night time bottle, kiss her forehead and tell her how much I love her. Every morning I wake up to her massive smile and I tell her how much I love her and how happy she makes me. Every day, I give her the biggest cuddles I can and sing her favourite songs to her. I help get her dressed and we play with her toys. We watch Shrek cuddled up in bed and we sing “if you’re happy and you know it”. But I still feel like there is so much more that I should be doing and could be doing.

I was severely depressed before I had Luna and it made sense that I had postnatal depression because I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. But every day I try for that little girl and every day it does get easier. If you were to ask Kieran how many times I asked for reassurance, he’d probably say way too much. I honestly do believe that I suck as a mother because the little I do is nothing compared to what I should be.

However, I do know that I love my daughter and I make sure that she is happy. Believe me, she is. It’s very rare that she’ll cry and she makes me so proud. She doesn’t need a perfect mum, but she does need a happy one. And battling this, is hard but for her, I’ll kick it’s ass. I’ll show her that even at my weakest, I can be strong. That even when I feel like I’m failing, she’s living proof that I’m not that bad. One day, I know I’ll be the mum I’m capable of. One day I will make my daughter as proud as she makes me. I just have to take this one day at a time.

Thank you for reading. Ferrari. 💝

Categories
Blogmas!❤️

On the second day of Blogmas

On the second day of Blogmas, you guys got from me, a whole load of ramble about why I love Christmas. Enjoy.

Today is all about things I love about the Christmas time! Now, I don’t know if you know this already, but Christmas is by far my favourite time of year. It’s a time that I look forward to the most. I think everything is magnified so much that I just can’t help it.

throwback to Christmas 2014!

I have loved Christmas ever since I was a little girl. I started getting excited in October and would be on a hype until January. I think as soon as my birthday passed, it was the next thing to look forward to. Halloween and Bonfire night isn’t a big thing over here. Even though we are celebrating the fact that Guy Fawkes tried to blow up Parliament, but that’s for another time.

Traditionally Christmas Day would be for the brothers and sisters and we would have our cousins here boxing day and they would spend the night. Christmas Night, we would all bring out quilts and pillows and whatever else, as well as all our DVDs that we got for Christmas and spend the night eating sweets and spending time with our siblings. It was incredible because growing up they were a massive part of my life. Boxing day would consist of the cousins and my aunt coming over, us all playing together and just being kids really. We were all very close.

Going back to 1999, I remember doing so much around Christmas time that its just in my blood. When I was a Junior Solider at the Salvation Army, I remember going to this hospice every year and singing for them. It always seemed like a long journey but looking back, I loved those trips. I loved seeing their faces as we sung to them. I loved embracing the Christmas carols and spending time with those that didn’t have long left. I remember always being wowed by the decorations and overwhelmed by how loving and warm everybody made it.

Then we have Christmas films! If any of you have Virgin, there is a channel called Christmas24 from the middle of October. It’s basically films24 but Christmas. Obviously. I think that just encourages my Christmas spirit even though everyone around me says its too early. Every Christmas movie is cliché, but I don’t ever care! Give me a soppy, loved up, completely cheesy Christmas film and a hot chocolate and I am one very happy girl. It doesn’t even have to be Christmas time and id still love it. Anything with Santa and romance is a bonus!

Music at Christmas time tends to be jollier! All the Christmas Songs I like are anyway. But I know not everyone has the same taste. I mean I know people that don’t enjoy or embrace Christmas at all! And I hate it! I couldn’t imagine a life without all the festive spirit. More on my favourite Christmas Songs later this week.

Christmas to me, means coming together with family, friends and loved ones. It’s about coming together so that nobody is left behind. I hate the idea of anyone being alone at Christmas because there are always people that care. I love having my family around me, so much so, I arranged a yearly dinner at my mums so that members of the family could have Christmas Dinner all together on Christmas Eve, so people could be with other families on Christmas Day.

I believe that Father Christmas is real in a sense. I believe that he lives in us as Christmas Spirit. I think that he is what we tell our Children, he is what they base their idea of Christmas on. What some consider a lie. But what I hope Santa teaches Luna is to be open and giving. To remember to give more than you receive. That life isn’t about presents, its about good will. I hope he teaches her that the magic is in what you do for others, that he goes out of his way to make sure everyone feels special one day a year. I think that as people grow up, they lose what Santa means to them. They lose the magical side to ‘reality’. “How does he get to everyone in one night?”, “How does he go down chimneys when he’s a fat old man?” and my personal favourite, “How comes no one has ever seen him?”. Yet, he is everywhere at Christmas. He is the ones that are going above and beyond to make sure they see people smiling. Every time a child sits on Santa’s knee and tells him what they want, a man is giving that child hope and belief that if they are a good person, they will get rewarded. It’s just most of us forget that the reward should be the gratitude from others not money or presents.

Think about those around you, think about their plans for Christmas. Now ask yourself, if you were alone, would you want someone to reach out? If the answer is yes, then do it for others. If you know they have no plans and would be alone, invite them over for a cuppa and a biscuit discussing Christmas songs that were number one when you were a child or the best present you ever received. You know they are going hungry? Think about how much food you are going to waste this year? Why not make extra and take it to a local homeless shelter. It doesn’t cost anything to think of others. And that’s what Santa does every year. That is why I love Christmas.

What does Christmas mean to you? Let me know on Facebook @openupwithmeblog, Instagram @openupwithme.

Thank you for reading and I hope you know a little bit more about me and where my Christmas Spirit comes from. Although I’m not entirely sure. Merry Blogmas Readers🎄⛄️❤️