Categories
Health❤️

No one can fault you for trying…

Write what should not be forgotten. – Isabel Allende

Everything I write on my blog, will be on the big wide world of the web. So I want to use it as a place to be remembered. I want people to be able to use my blog to express how they’re feeling when they can’t find the words… the only problem being sometimes I don’t even know the words to express how I feel. I am way too harsh on myself, and wont post something if I find it awful… probably why I have over 45 drafts… And I’ve found that it’s so much easier to write when I’m not at war with myself. So what do I do when I am at war with myself? I cry. A lot. Because I hate not being able to express myself through my words.

I can get myself into such a state. I am living with constant rollercoaster and I’m pretty sure the downs wouldn’t be as bad if I opened up when they were happening. I know I should, okay? I’m very much aware of the complications I create myself, but it’s not as simple as that to me. My brain has so much trouble with the ‘grey’ area, and even though it may not seem like it, I am working on that. It’s just hard. To me, a simple thing, would be blown way out of proportion because of the way I can’t express myself depending on the mood I am in. Sometimes I am so easy to get along with. I can take a joke and everything is great. However, sometimes I just lose control, and all the little things getting to me become too much.

I worry that the “little things” aren’t so little. I worry that those problems, will be too much and there’s no turning back, which is why I don’t discuss them. Then, when all the little ones build up, I lose it and by that point, there isn’t a chance to turn back. Slowly i’m accepting that I need to address things quickly, but I also need those nearest to me to understand that when I say I’m okay, its because I don’t want to talk about it and its not an invitation to ask further questions. That is one sure way, not to get me to open up.

I get so scared that people are going to leave me because of some of the thoughts that go through my head. There are times where I know I am being stupid but for some reason I can’t stop myself, its a defense mechanism. I get so scared people are going to leave so I push them away before they get a chance. Or, they get too close and I have to shut them out because IF they were to leave, it would utterly destroy me. I don’t believe that I am enough, I was hurt so badly that I can’t accept it when things are going well. That same fear creeps in because my past has taught me that even the ones that are supposed to never leave, will. So the ones that say they will never leave, still could.

I have walls up for my own protection. There are days where my existence feels lonely and isolated, because the fear has grown so strong, that I have no choice but to suffer in silence. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that my feelings are sometimes overbearing. I can be completely rational one moment and the slightest change in my feelings, will cause my brain to do a complete 180 and I can’t slow it down or even stop it. I feel like I can’t love myself so why should anyone else. I lose count of how much I ask that I’m enough because I have never felt like it. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have no confidence when it comes to myself. Yet, I can put on one hell of a persona, and that persona would have you believe that I could do anything I set my mind too. The truth is, I’m so scared to be who I really am, because who I am is emotional and overwhelming. My mind is a whirlwind but sometimes, its more of a blessing than a curse.

Nothing in this world is easy, I know that from my hard past. Yet, I am still fighting so that has to count for something. I still write, even though I think there isn’t a point some days. I still try because if I do give up, I’m teaching Luna that it’s okay to stop when things get too tough. The truth is, you can take a break. Sometimes a break from all situations will do you more good than you realise. I may not have been able to write for a while, but I’m still trying.

I battle myself each and every day. I don’t think I can remember when I didn’t battle myself over something. I battle whether or not to bring something up or to bury it till it finds its own way out later. I battle whether to walk out my door and face people even though I feel like a failure. I battle with every thought and feeling, questioning if it’s rational or not. So remember that the next time I do decide to open up. Because I would have battled myself for hours on whether or not to say something.

Every one has their own battles, and most of the time, we can’t see them. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t pushing through them and trying. It’s the ones that don’t give up, even when life gives them so many reasons too. I try even on the days where I feel like running and hiding. Sometimes I fail and that takes a serious toll on me. But on the times that I don’t, I know nobody can take it away from me. This life with borderline is hard, but I haven’t stopped trying yet.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Lifestyle❤️

Lets talk about change…

The same people that called me self-centred, shallow, and superficial are the ones obsessed with reality tv and what their favourite celebrity is doing next, however there are plenty of bigger issues in the world. Issues that get ignored and downgraded. Ones that get tossed aside until the problem has escalated to an extreme that may or may not be reversible.

I tend to avoid the news or news programmes because they just frustrate me. Not only do you have the likes of Piers Morgan sprouting his utter bollocks and claiming to speak on behalf of a nation… that same nation that he sits on his horse and judges, the same nation that he slates and undermines in every opportunity. Now, he can have opinions all he likes, hell i’d embrace his opinions if he actually presented them like a civiliased person and not an emotionless robot. I also watched some show presented by Victoria Derbyshire where she was having a ‘conversation’ with an MP that was going for leadership… It was tragic on both parts and I couldn’t actually believe that these two people were getting paid to have this chat on live air. It was a disaster and I learned nothing except the MP is a douche and couldn’t stand by any statements in typical political fashion and the presenter lost control of her interview which made me cringe.

I got various news websites up to have a look at what the current issues were today and oh my goodness. They are as much of a joke as this country is turning too. I suppose it makes sense that the next PM we have, will be a clown. Over the majority of news websites that I looked at, the biggest headlines were to do with the police being called to Boris Johnsons flat because of an argument and Trump trying to start yet another war. Neither, in my opinion should be headlined news. I am not going to say that I could do a better job, but I’d like to think that in such a confusing time, the news channels would be doing a better job at presenting more reasons to smile than reasons to question reality. Do I honestly care that Boris Johnson had police called to his flat because of an argument with his mrs? No. It doesn’t concern me.

Im concerned about the hundreds of people that sleep on the street with no roof over their heads. I’m concerned about the thousands of people that are living in situations that are truly questionable of their human rights. I’m concerned about the ones that go to bed cramped and scared because life is hard. I care about the thousands of peoples that are suffering with poor health, both physical and mental that are being ignored. I’m concenred about a country that cares more about what the richest 5% are doing than the poorest 20%. I’m concerned about the education system that we trust our most precious people in. The same education system that fails everyone if they don’t fit a certain criteria. I’m concerned about the issues we ignore!

We live in a world where women are criticised for how we look and what we wear, instead of teaching boys and men to respect womens minds. We live in a world where is so much easier to point the finger than accept responsibility and make the changes. We live in a world where no doesn’t mean no, where no just means not yet. We live in a world where you are slightly different, you’re less of a person and that’s not acceptable. It’s not acceptable that we say things like “boys will be boys” or “men should be strong”. It’s not acceptable that we look down on people because they come from a single parent background or on benefits.

As a society, we are not acceptable. But as a society, it’s us who needs to stand up and make the changes. We elect the MPS that sit on the government that runs our country. We raise our issues and we have our voices! Start using them for things that matter. For issues that matter. Stand up for the little people that haven’t quite found their voices. Stand up for those who voices are drowned out by people who think they know better. Stand up for the sick and elderly. Stand up for your families and friends. Every single person on this planet has the capability to make a change. Stop spreading hate, embrace people for who they are but don’t accept that its all they will ever be. Stop focusing on celebrity news and culture and embrace your own. Embrace your lives and make changes to make your lives better. If you have issues with the world, don’t wait for someone else to start the fight, start it yourself and get others involved. As a society, we are failing. Embrace those that dare to be different and stand alongside those that want to speak out. Because otherwise, the voices that were gifted to each and everyone of us, are going to waste.

For a while, I forgot I had a voice. I let so many of my issues go unheard and then I thought, well screw you. I’m important too and what I say matters. I mean sure, I’m one person. But this one person, has 42 followers directly to this blog and over 400 followers on twitter. That’s over 400 sets of ears that could read this and if one person shares it, then the possible audience will just grow because that is the power of social media. That is the power we have as a society, so why don’t we use it?

 

Thank you for reading. I know I’ve been a bit distant recently, but I promise to blog more. After all, my voice needs to be heard one way or another. I hope you all have an amazing weekend. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

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Being a mum❤️ Ferrari❤️

I’m A Queen…

How shallow and superficial must I be to refer to myself as a Queen, but I honestly believe that there is royalty in all of us, it’s just a matter of establishing your self worth. You are worth more than anyone else gives you credit for. You go through battles that nobody sees every single day and you don’t give yourself enough props. You work through hard days because its expected, even though inside it kills you just to fake a smile. You have been put down and forgotten, but that’s because you forgot to remember yourself. You and you alone have got through every day that lead you to today and there is always a reason for it. Even in your darkest moments, there are reasons. You are not alone, you will never be alone for as long as you want people around. You are loved even when you don’t love yourself. You are you and that’s the best person to be. You are worth every diamond, every rock and everything in between. Because you, are irreplaceable.

Every single person on this planet has troubles and no single person is perfect. Anyone who claims to be, is a robot and doesn’t actually function. Perfection is a standard set to promise failure because its not achieveable. So stop trying and just embrace who you are, warts and all.

Today, I got asked what I would write to a 13 year old me, and it was such a simply hard question to answer. They didn’t know that at 13 my life changed so dramatically that I still haven’t really got myself back and that wasn’t their fault, but how I let that time affect me now, is my fault. This was a time where I was called a drama queen, an attention seeker, a liar and manipulator and most of all, it was the time that I needed everyone around me more than ever. I have spent most of my life as a victim of my past and I refuse to let it have that control over me anymore. I refuse to let other peoples actions and words determine the person that I let my little girl live up too. How can I, as a mother of a girl that will one day also be a teenager, let things that brought so much self destruction and self doubt, be the things she see? I can’t. The day I gave birth to her, I became a Queen in her eyes and she became my little princess. The one girl that I would give my life for without a first thought, let alone a second. I would go to the ends of the earth for her, and that means facing the demons that haunt my nightmares and keep me awake. It means admitting that PTSD is a real thing and its soul destroying but I will not let that be the side she grows up with.

If I wrote a letter to 13 year old me, it would go something like…

“Dear “Drama Queen”,
Embrace your title, embrace your dreams because you can do anything. No single person can stop you from living your life and being the person you want to be.
There are people around you that are going to become toxic, and although you are going to go through a turbulent time, it will get easier and it will all be worth it. But you can’t let their words shape you. You can go through hell and back, just don’t lose your smile. Don’t lose your personality and don’t lose your voice.
Your body is amazing, and you don’t need to worry about your weight until you get pregnant, because believe me, you will get fat but your child is worth it. Don’t lose that love of food, because it will make you try such random but beautiful meals. Food isn’t the answer, and neither is avoiding it.
Make sure you pick your own path. There are people that will say being creative doesn’t lead to jobs, and its bollocks!
Don’t hide your emotions. Don’t be embarrassed, you have a big heart and so many of your problems can be solved if you open up. People won’t always leave, I mean, you get to meet some of the best people, just open up and tell them what it’s like. There’s a reason you think and feel differently, and the ones that matter, won’t ever judge you for it, they try to understand it and they embrace it.
So many people will make you feel small, so many will doubt you and will try to bring you down, but you are worth more than that. Believe in yourself and you will be surprised where you end up.
Its going to be okay, I promise, and you should know, we don’t make promises we have no intention of keeping!”

I realised today that I wouldn’t change the things I went through, not the good and not the bad, but I would change how I dealt with it. So I’m going too. One day, very soon, I will post about the nightmares, I will post about the scariest and darkest moments because if I’m going to address them, It’s going to be my way. I always said I wanted to use my voice to make a difference, and I thought that meant going into law because I love arguments. I didn’t need a law degree because I have this. I have my voice and I have one hell of a way to go. But if I can help one person, if I can make a difference in just a single life, then all of the pain that I suffered to be strong will be worth it.

D4IG3VxXoAAC3Ja
My little princess.

 

Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but it was meant to be lived. I’m not going to live in fear. Not in fear of others and their words, of people and their actions and I refuse to be scared of who I am. To some I am nothing, to others I am something, but to the most important person, I am everything, and that is enough for me. Don’t lose yourself to opinions of the few, because they will always look to bring you down to them because its easier to attack. Embrace the ones who matter, because they are irreplaceable. Until the next time, enjoy your day and ill speak soon. Ferrari❤️

Categories
Health❤️

The Spoon Method and a mental health update…

Today, I had a really testing day but I also learned so much. I learnt more about myself and my condition, which is strange because when it comes to Addison’s, I’m usually the smartest person in the room. So I thought I’d share my day with you guys. I apologise now for the awfully long post, but on the bright side, you don’t have to read this.

At half 9 this morning, I had to attend the outpaitents department at my local hospital to have a short synacthen test done. Now I know many of you don’t know what one of those is, so let me explain it. They take your base blood and then inject you with this awful liquid that was imported from Italy, because there is a national shortage of it here, the same as my emergency injection kit, but i’ll get into that later. Then they wait half hour and an hour after injecting you with the syrum so they can see how your adrenal glands react. I had to have this done because after I gave birth to my little lady, some idiot doctor took me off them, when my blood pressure sky rocketed due to an infection. I then had to fight just to be seen by an specialist in Endocrinology just to get my tablets back because my gp was saying that my diagnosis wasn’t there so I didn’t need them. For the last 14 months, I have gotten sicker and because I haven’t had my steroids, I’ve had to taken extra care and a lot of extra naps, just to get me through the day. Hopefully after having this test today, ill be back on normal steroids again!

I was really grateful that the Endocrinologist nurse that was going to be doing the test was Jennii, because I already knew her and she remembered me. With a name like Ferrari, i’m a little harder to forget. I met her back in March 2013, when she was the nurse who gave me a day curve. . Again, this is another blood test, only this time, they are testing your blood to check if you’re on the right amount of steroids. I had the day curve on the Friday, which I slept through because I was actually quite sick and then on the Monday, I was in hospital with suspected appendicitis. For someone who cannot stand needles, I absolutely hate these tests. Yet, she remembered how much I couldn’t stand them and tried her hardest to keep the cannula open because she only wanted to give me one needle today. With a lot of hard work and pumping, we managed to keep the cannula in all day! We got talking about how I had been since she had last seen me and that she was surprised to read that I had given birth and even more surprised when she found out it was at the same hospital I attended today. And I mentioned everything from mental health to my blog and my novel and she was the one who gave me the idea for this post.

I have had so many people ask me about my condition and it wasn’t until today that I could really explain it. I mean sure, we can discuss the medical terms of what it is. I don’t produce the hormones that I need in order to fuction. I have no immune system and my body attacks itself. The adrenal glands are little glands that sit on top of your kidneys, they release hormones at different points of your day and get you through it. Before you wake up in the morning, your body would have already released cortisol into your system and that’s why you have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. Mine don’t work to an acceptable level which is why I was on steroids right up until Luna was a week old. Instead of fight or flight, I have fail. My body goes into a crisis when under extreme stress and then it shuts down. I have two hours to inject myself and in extreme cases get to the hospital because I could go into a coma. How do you explain to a healthy person what it’s like to be sick? How do you explain what it’s like to have an autoimmune disease? How can I explain to everyone else the daily struggles that my life became at the age of 19? Well today, Jennii told me the answer and its the ‘Spoon Theory’ by Christine Miserandino, I would strongly suggest checking out the actual article, The Spoon Theory as I really will only give you a cliffnotes version.

She explains that Lupus, another autoimmune disease, is like starting the day with 12 spoons. Healthy people, don’t have to worry about their spoons, because they have a seemingly endless supply most days but for those that are sick, they have these spoons. You can never drop or forget about the spoons, the same way we couldn’t forget about our condition. You lose spoons for each activity you do throughout the day, because your body isn’t physically capeable of everything, you have to act accordingly. You can’t do as and what you please. You cant write a list of things to do for that day and expect to get everything done because your body can’t handle it. Before even starting the day, you have to get up and take medication. You have to take them, knowing they are what are keeping you with your spoons. You lose spoons before you’ve left your bed if you didn’t sleep well and even more so if you’re sick. The rest of day, you are limited and everything you do will cost you. Things people take for granted like doing the chores, can take me hours because I have to rest or my body pays the price with more spoons. I can take spoons from tomorrow but that would already put me on a deficit. Unlike healthy people, everything I do, I have to account for. I have to account for all the walking and exercise, for the lack of meals and lack of sleep. I have to account for physically stress that I put on my body as well as emotional and mental stress and most of the time, I use up all my spoons. So just hold on, because even though my life is limited and the pain can keep me in bed for days at a time, I still choose to socialise and even that costs me.

Now like I said, it was my understanding of her article that made me realise that if I explained my condition in this way, it might make a little more sense. Maybe people might understand why, especially at times when my body is attempting to battle an infection, that I’m a bit more reserved. Because I have less spoons to start the day and most of the time, its not enough.

After learning about the spoon method, I had to attend a therapy session and talk about how I was feeling. I had to talk about things that had gotten to me in the last month (I was quite poorly the last time I was supposed to have a session and then she went on holiday so it took longer than expected) and I just broke down in tears whilst she sat there and wrote goodness knows what down on her little notebook. She asked me how I was feeling and how I was coping. She asked about Luna and my eating. She just asked all these questions and I literally just cried because I was so exhausted from holding everything in that I just rambled. At the end of the session she had decided that I’m having a referral to a dietician so we can get me on supplements to make up for my lack of eating… So not only am I taking steroids, I’m going on supplements? Maybe I should hit up the gym and get massive… then again, maybe not. She also sat there and told me that my biggest problems and greatest drawbacks were confidence, self belief and self doubt. I have too much self doubt and not enough self belief or confidence. She said that I don’t see my self worth, I think that little of myself that I destroy everything good because I hit self destruct. I see myself as the problem for all the crap that I have had to deal with, and I carry it around to the point that it suffocates me. I think that little of myself, that I question why anyone would stick around, why anyone would care. And I need to change that. I need to believe in myself the way others do. I need to learn to love myself the way the most important people in my life love me. I need to believe that I deserve to be happy because right now, I am the only person standing in my way.

She doesn’t need a perfect mummy because they don’t exist, but she does need a happy healthy one.

I hope you are okay. I hope that you haven’t been too exhausted and that you’re smiling. Because believe me, the world needs to see your smile. Until the next time, Ferrari.❤️