Family is something we can’t choose…

I am and have always been family orientated. My family mean the world to me and I’d do practically anything to make sure they are happy and healthy, but there’s plenty that I wouldn’t do as well.

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever hope to hold. My daughter is my biggest motivator and best friend. She is adorable beyond words and her happiness is paramount to me. I’d go above and beyond for her because she’s my daughter and that’s what you do for your children. However, there are times where I must do things that would make me seem unfair to certain people.

I will also be the first person to stand in-between my daughter and those who wish to cause her harm or negativity. That includes family! I am not about to let any single person on this planet, treat my daughter like she doesn’t matter, and I certainly won’t allow ‘family’ to do the same. Call me strict, but I don’t want my daughter going through the same heartache and pain that I went through.

My daughter is really lucky, because she does have so many people around her that love and cherish her more than I thought possible. I know there are a list of people that would go to the ends of the world for my daughter, because they love and care for her. They also want what’s best, however, all her family won’t be involved in her life and it won’t be Luna missing out.

Luna has family she has met once and will probably never see again. She also has family she will never meet, and that’s not through her faults and when she grows up, I’ll explain it to her but that does break my heart. I grew up with having a chunk of my family not bother with me, and they still don’t really care to this day. They will be some of the people missing out on Luna. Not me. I get to see her adorable little smile and her bubbly personality each and every day. Those don’t and wont.

I won’t give people the opportunity to walk out on my daughter, the same way they walked out on Kieran and me. I won’t allow people to let her down repeatedly or say that her birthdays don’t matter. I won’t allow other people to make her feel like she is any less than what she is. I won’t allow “grandparents” an automatic right in her life, just because they may share DNA.

Luna has two parents that adore the life out of her! She has four grandparents that spoil and cherish her and each of them have an ever-growing bond with her. I mean, she goes so shy whenever my pops come over, but that doesn’t stop her from backing into him for cuddles every ten minutes or playing chase in the garden. Every morning, she calls for nanny cats and goes into the living room to see her and gives her the biggest smile! Then we have Katie and Ste, Kieran’s dad and step mum. They are incredible with her, so much that it makes me cry. They came down when she was readmitted to hospital, even though there was snow on the roads, and they had to drive the two-hour journey. That was the first time they met her, and they went through some difficult situations but still they made the effort!

I have my best friends who ring me up and always ask how my daughter is and generally, they all have to have conversations with her, but I don’t mind. Because they are actually taking the time to make an effort with my baby girl. Luna has aunts and uncles that she has built such strong bonds with, so sometimes taking her away from them for bed or naps can become a problem but she still gets special time with all of them.

So now, to the family who can’t be bothered with my daughter. The family that can’t be bothered to send a message asking how she is or what she’s learnt to do this week, because she is always growing and learning. To all of you that want to claim you have an active part in my daughter’s life, you don’t. She doesn’t know who you are and that’s not my fault. I can’t force her to know people that can’t be bothered with her and I won’t make her put up with you just because your family. Most of you, don’t deserve to know the happiness and love that my little girl can bring. You won’t know the way she laughs when the claw comes out or how much she loves animals and being outdoors. You won’t get to experience her sassy, cheeky nature. You won’t get to see how smart she is, when she’s reading her books and understanding the words. You won’t get to feel how loving and cuddly she is, because she will give everyone attention. And that’s not my fault. I’m not missing out on her because I am her mum, which means I am her strength each and every day. That strength, means stopping people I consider toxic, being an active part in her life.

But thank you. Thank you to those that put in the effort. Thank you to those that never let Luna forget who they are. Thank you to those that may come round to see me but still make effort to play with Luna and make her smile. You are the ones that Luna will grow up around. And for that, I couldn’t be more thankful.

We don’t have to allow family in our lives just because they are related. If they don’t boost you up or show concern when you’re down, they don’t deserve a place in your life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve people around you that make you happy. So don’t settle for anything less than happiness.

Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Bullying…

I am pretty sure that every single person that is alive right now has experienced bullying in one way or another. Because of the progression of the internet, it has become so much easier, with there not really being a safe place that we can hide from. It can take so many different forms whether it is physical, mental, emotional or verbal. And every single one of them are really bad on a person.

Noun – A person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidate those whom they perceive as vulnerable. ‘He is a ranting, domineering bully’.
Verb – Seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable) ‘her 11- year-old son has been constantly bullied at school’, ‘a local man was bullied into helping them’ – https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/bully

I was in primary school when I first started to get bullied. In fact, I was bullied relentlessly in primary school, and the first of my two secondary schools. I hate to write my next statement but I then in turn became a bully. I will never say that it was because I was a horrible person, because I’m not. I just got sick of being the one getting attacked especially for things that was no others concern. So, to every single person I ever belittled in my childhood, to those that I made feel worse about themselves, to those that I made dread to come to school, I’m more sorry than you will ever know! I should never have taken my frustration out on you because you weren’t the ones responsible for the years of abuse I got, and you never deserved my retaliation.

I was bullied from an early age because of my name and then when they found out about my home life, it just got worse. I come from a single parent background, grew up and still live in a council house, with severally autistic brothers who I would defend until my last breath. I have had every dig, every joke and every comment possible in regards to having a car name. That wasn’t bad. I can handle the comments about my name, after all, they just didn’t like the fact they had boring names and my parents had a bit of creativity in their choice… well my dad did, my mum let him choose my name and here I am, with the name Ferrari that I have had pretty much all my life. What I couldn’t handle was them making comments about my family, saying how my brothers must have been inbred because of their disability, saying how my family were low and scum because of where we grew up and because none of us every had the latest toys or trainers.

Now, before I learnt what a back bone was, I took all the bullying personally. I mean I had enough going on at home that meant anything else on top of that was enough to weigh me down. School and seeing my friends were my escape from a less than perfect home life and to experience bullying was awful. I had this best friend who I called ‘blue eyes’ and he was my best friend during my primary school days, right up until I moved a few months before my 12th birthday and I honestly could never thank him enough. We used to hang out every day after school, in the square by his house. One of the girls that used to hang around with us, told him that he shouldn’t be my friend because I’m a skank and poor and blah blah blah… Funnily enough, her whole family hated my family and I couldn’t ever work out why… He was probably my first ever true friend because he never paid attention to what she said, he didn’t care if she didn’t like me because I was his friend and that’s all that mattered. We still keep in contact today.

I was lucky. Although I was bullied, it was all verbal. They never hurt me physically which is a positive thing. But emotionally, I was exhausted. When I started secondary school, one of the girls that was bullying me in primary, went to the same school as me. This meant that I got bullied from a whole new group of girls. All the words, all the taunts, all the nastiness, had worked me up to the point I didn’t want to go to school. However, it was never physical. By the time I had moved to the second of my two schools, I had become a bitch. The company I kept wasn’t exactly the most friendliest and if she hated someone, you generally had to hate them too. It was during my time at secondary school that bullying took on a whole different level.

I had so many rumours going round the school, some started by people I thought were friends and others started by people that wished they had my attention. According to the rumours, I had slept with most of my hometown (still isn’t true), I had apparently slept with my step brother (again, another lie. I don’t even have a step brother). I had all these different lies made up by people who had nothing better to do. It got worse when social media became a big thing. There were new ways to broadcast my alleged life, even with most of it being bullshit. I had people trying to put me down and make me feel like shit because of things I hadn’t done. I would get called fat and ugly, incest, a slut, a whore, a homewrecker, an attention seeker, and although they were all just words, they grated on me and slowly destroyed my self confidence and I still don’t really have it back. I mean my best friend used to call me fat and tell me I had saggy boobs and bum all the time, she told me how I was a slut because I had sex a lot, but why did it really matter to her? I mean she was the one who started the rumour that I slept with my step brother, she was also the one who tried a few times to break up me and my ex, even slept with him herself… She was still my best friend until a few years ago. However, she would have you believe that I’m the negative person. Turns out, my best friend had been manipulating me for years, knocking me down as much as she could to make herself better, and I helped her because I thought she was right. I thought she was the best and she really wasn’t.

I was lucky in the sense that I always knew who my bullies were. I didn’t have to worry about my online presence so much, because it was relatively new. I mean there were platforms that was asking for trouble but I tried to stay away from them. My bullies never attacked me physically, but they did damage the person I thought I was. For a long time, I would avoid those people because they always brought negative emotions. Loads of people, especially school children now are experiencing bullying and most of it is coming from behind a computer. This now means that people aren’t safe in their own homes because they can still be victimised.

I said earlier that I had bullied a few people and even though it was never intentional and I didn’t set out to hurt them, I just had a vicious tongue that I know how to use to attack people and that’s a bad thing. I had stood there and watched as my ‘friends’ would make jokes about people and id laugh and agree. I was a bitch for that and I am so sorry. I should have known better but I still helped to make your day worse. And I will carry that around with me because those people didn’t deserve to feel like shit because I was being bullied. Being bullied is not an excuse to bully others.

Recently, I saw that a girl who used to make comments about me, has been receiving them herself and my heart felt sorry for her. Nobody deserves to get bullied or harassed for things that are of no concern for anyone else. No one deserves to feel like they aren’t worthy of being alive or appreciated. You are! Just because someone has developed an opinion on you, doesn’t make it true. Their opinions on who you are and how you live your life don’t matter, as long as you are happy with it. So what can we do to change it?

  • Be careful of the words you use in anger. Because those words could be the dagger someone needed to quit.
  • If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t talk. If you can’t better someone’s life, then don’t add to it at all.
  • Don’t let other people dertermine how you feel about yourself. You are a light to someone and they need you.
  • Just because people are pricks to you, doesn’t mean that you deserve it nor does it mean that the whole world will treat you that way. The opinions of a few don’t matter.
  • Trust and love yourself! Because, you are one hell of person! You have emotions and beauty. You have hope and desire. You have the power to change the world, so don’t let that change be a negative one.

Be a positive change in this world. Because your words, your actions and your choices will have an affect on others. Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Lets talk about change…

The same people that called me self-centred, shallow, and superficial are the ones obsessed with reality tv and what their favourite celebrity is doing next, however there are plenty of bigger issues in the world. Issues that get ignored and downgraded. Ones that get tossed aside until the problem has escalated to an extreme that may or may not be reversible.

I tend to avoid the news or news programmes because they just frustrate me. Not only do you have the likes of Piers Morgan sprouting his utter bollocks and claiming to speak on behalf of a nation… that same nation that he sits on his horse and judges, the same nation that he slates and undermines in every opportunity. Now, he can have opinions all he likes, hell i’d embrace his opinions if he actually presented them like a civiliased person and not an emotionless robot. I also watched some show presented by Victoria Derbyshire where she was having a ‘conversation’ with an MP that was going for leadership… It was tragic on both parts and I couldn’t actually believe that these two people were getting paid to have this chat on live air. It was a disaster and I learned nothing except the MP is a douche and couldn’t stand by any statements in typical political fashion and the presenter lost control of her interview which made me cringe.

I got various news websites up to have a look at what the current issues were today and oh my goodness. They are as much of a joke as this country is turning too. I suppose it makes sense that the next PM we have, will be a clown. Over the majority of news websites that I looked at, the biggest headlines were to do with the police being called to Boris Johnsons flat because of an argument and Trump trying to start yet another war. Neither, in my opinion should be headlined news. I am not going to say that I could do a better job, but I’d like to think that in such a confusing time, the news channels would be doing a better job at presenting more reasons to smile than reasons to question reality. Do I honestly care that Boris Johnson had police called to his flat because of an argument with his mrs? No. It doesn’t concern me.

Im concerned about the hundreds of people that sleep on the street with no roof over their heads. I’m concerned about the thousands of people that are living in situations that are truly questionable of their human rights. I’m concerned about the ones that go to bed cramped and scared because life is hard. I care about the thousands of peoples that are suffering with poor health, both physical and mental that are being ignored. I’m concenred about a country that cares more about what the richest 5% are doing than the poorest 20%. I’m concerned about the education system that we trust our most precious people in. The same education system that fails everyone if they don’t fit a certain criteria. I’m concerned about the issues we ignore!

We live in a world where women are criticised for how we look and what we wear, instead of teaching boys and men to respect womens minds. We live in a world where is so much easier to point the finger than accept responsibility and make the changes. We live in a world where no doesn’t mean no, where no just means not yet. We live in a world where you are slightly different, you’re less of a person and that’s not acceptable. It’s not acceptable that we say things like “boys will be boys” or “men should be strong”. It’s not acceptable that we look down on people because they come from a single parent background or on benefits.

As a society, we are not acceptable. But as a society, it’s us who needs to stand up and make the changes. We elect the MPS that sit on the government that runs our country. We raise our issues and we have our voices! Start using them for things that matter. For issues that matter. Stand up for the little people that haven’t quite found their voices. Stand up for those who voices are drowned out by people who think they know better. Stand up for the sick and elderly. Stand up for your families and friends. Every single person on this planet has the capability to make a change. Stop spreading hate, embrace people for who they are but don’t accept that its all they will ever be. Stop focusing on celebrity news and culture and embrace your own. Embrace your lives and make changes to make your lives better. If you have issues with the world, don’t wait for someone else to start the fight, start it yourself and get others involved. As a society, we are failing. Embrace those that dare to be different and stand alongside those that want to speak out. Because otherwise, the voices that were gifted to each and everyone of us, are going to waste.

For a while, I forgot I had a voice. I let so many of my issues go unheard and then I thought, well screw you. I’m important too and what I say matters. I mean sure, I’m one person. But this one person, has 42 followers directly to this blog and over 400 followers on twitter. That’s over 400 sets of ears that could read this and if one person shares it, then the possible audience will just grow because that is the power of social media. That is the power we have as a society, so why don’t we use it?

 

Thank you for reading. I know I’ve been a bit distant recently, but I promise to blog more. After all, my voice needs to be heard one way or another. I hope you all have an amazing weekend. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

“Openupwithme”

How fitting that my blog be called open up with me and yet it’s the area I struggle with most. That makes me a hypocrite right? Because I talk about opening up and yet I just lost one of my best friends because I couldn’t physically open up to him and I’m not going to lie to you guys, it’s sucks! I can sit here and say how it’s not my fault but it really is. I hit self destruct and the people I love are collateral damage. That’s my toxic trait. The fact that I can’t open up and I lose people because of it.

When something small bothers me, it grows and grows. One tiny little thing, grows and manifests itself to the point of an avalanche comes over me that’s beyond my control. Now I could avoid this avalanche of shit if I just opened up about the things that were bothering me. If I just said what little thing was getting to me instead of ignoring it and burying it. Because that’s when it grows. It feeds of the fact that I didn’t address it until the point it warps the truth and reality. To the point it twists my brain into thinking the worst possible scenario. But I can’t do it. I can’t open up and let people in because I feel low and defeated that my brain isn’t thinking normally. Because I feel pathetic and needy that I took something in a way I knew I shouldn’t but it hurt none the less. Because I feel irritating and clingy that I need to be reassured so much. Because I’m scared that if I let you in and say the wrong thing, you’ll leave anyway.

It’s not all the time and that’s what makes this harder. Because, there are some days where I have strength and determination. I have days where I’m so easy to get along with and could talk about everything yet a few months ago, I hit self destruct and lost sense of reality and I’ve been struggling to find it ever since. But that means that right now, I’m hard work. It’s hard work to think normally and act normally when my brain is the complete opposite.

I know I have to let people in. I know the wall needs to come down. I know that fear stops me. But I’m trying. Because the people I love deserve better than me being closed. So I’m sorry. I know sorry is just a word and doesn’t change anything, but I want to open up more. Especially to the ones I love, I just have trouble finding the words. I refuse to lose anyone else because of this wall. Brick by brick, it’s going to come down.

I will find a way to let people in. I have to or I’ll lose everyone.

*UPDATE*

So thank you to each and every person that has read just one of my blog pieces, and a massive thank you to my subscribers. You guys are amazing! Each and every person that has visited my blog has helped me smash my first target of 1000 views and I truly appreciate your support. I can’t believe that things I’ve written have been read all over the world. It’s read by people I love and adore, as well as people I don’t know personally. It’s read in my hometown and it’s read on the other side of the world. That’s unbelievable. So thank you! I have so many plans for my blog which I will give you guys a proper update soon, I’m just taking some personal time. I’m going to blog sporadically for a while, just whilst I focus on myself and my baby girl. But your support is appreciated and I am truly thankful. Until next time, Ferrari.❤️

Facing my fear… take two.

So a fortnight and a day ago, I wrote how I was supposed to be going to the dentist. It never happened. I had a massive panic attack and couldn’t face it. I couldn’t get out the door, I was physically sick and exhausted my body because I couldn’t sleep. I made sure to shut people out and I avoided answering questions about it. However, I made another appointment with the hopes that I could get myself out of the door. That appointment was today.

There weren’t too many people that knew it was today because I didn’t want to make a big deal about not going if I couldn’t. I woke up at about 3 from a bad dream and knew today was going to suck. Luna woke up about 4ish and didn’t go back off to sleep for ages, so my nights sleep was broken which meant I was shattered. It was about 8 when I woke up properly to Luna playing which is so cute and then reality hit. I got triggered because I was scared about something going wrong, I was scared about having a bad reaction or not being able to come home because my blood pressure had dropped and I didn’t want to go.

I was in a state and that lasted most of the morning. I cried so much that my eyes were swollen and I just wanted to sleep and yet I knew I couldn’t. Luna was being funny so I didn’t want to leave her without Kieran so it meant I had to find someone else to come with me. Which caused drama! Finding a replacement chaperone isn’t the easiest thing last minute, but it had to be done. Thankfully, I have a lovely neighbour who agreed to come with me and it was pretty awesome because we had a cool catch up and it had been a while so it was really nice to hang out with him even in the circumstances. I also have an amazing best friend who told me I could do it and every chance they could. And I am beyond thankful for them. I’m pretty blessed!

Before I had left for the dentist, I must have cried about 10 times. Every time I would stop and then 5 minutes later, start crying again because of nerves and fear. Yet, as soon as I left the house, I knew I would do it. I knew I had it in me because I found my strength. And I went. I met up with him on the tube and we chatted the whole time about life and silly things. By the time we got there, we had covered everything from fashion to Netflix and it was pretty interesting. After going up 26 floors and waiting for what felt like an eternity, I was called and I walked to the chair that had kept me awake and yet I didn’t have any work done!!

I sat in the chair under the impression that I was beginning the sedation and thank goodness, I WASN’T!! I had worked myself into such a state over a bit of pink mould and some imprints of my remaining teeth. It was so strange and it was like nail varnish remover was in my mouth. (It wasn’t. It was from the stuff they put on the mould to stop it sticking to the gum shield thing.) I swear, when she was getting the top mould off I thought she was going to take my remaining teeth with her. It was uncomfortable. But that was it.

I sat in the dentists chair and I didn’t cry! I did that! No tears at the dentist for me today! That’s an achievement and I am so proud of myself for doing it. Although I was scared and had worked myself up, I managed to sit there and not get upset. I kept my emotions in check whilst she checked my teeth and took the imprints. I did that and it may have taken years but I know that I am stronger than fear.

I want you to push your boundaries. Face your fears. Because that’s the only way we can grow. Today, I felt a sense of pride in an achievement that two weeks ago, seemed impossible. I want you to embrace life because fear needs you to be scared in order to win. And I know I don’t want to live in fear of the dentists anymore. One visit down, a fair few more to go. But that’s one step closer!!

I hope you are all well and having a great day. Thank you for reading. And I’ll write again soon. Ferrari ❤️

A confused mind…

Have you ever spent every day talking to someone only to drift apart? Have you put time and effort into someone only to have it thrown back in your face? Have you ever sat there and thought, if I didn’t speak to them, would we talk? Yep. Losing people sucks.

Unfortunately it happens a lot. Throughout my life I’ve lost people that I never imagined my life without but gained people I didn’t even know existed. I’ve had friendships fall and for the other person to become a stranger I once knew. And I hate it. I hate the fact that one minute we can be extremely close to someone, slowly you drift apart and the next it’s been months and you’ve forgotten each other. I hate that people can come in and out of lives thanks to social media and technology.

Recently I’ve ghosted everyone. I swear, I’ve even ghosted the people in this house at various points over the last couple of weeks and I’m sorry. I’ve just been distracted. It’s not you guys. It’s that coping with my head has become a lot to handle and I feel like I’m failing. I thought that I was losing some of the people I held close, I thought that I was failing as a friend and a person. I wasn’t. My mind was playing tricks on me like it loves to do. But I’ve been feeling like I don’t matter because people can just leave when they feel like it. I have abandonment issues as well as a constant nagging feeling of being too close to people because I feel vulnerable. I feel like if I let people in, they leave. I’ve lost people because I don’t open up yet I don’t open up because I lose people. It’s a vicious circle and one that I know I need to break.

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could stop myself but it’s so hard. I can’t open up anymore. I’ve done it so many times and fallen flat and defeated. Right now, I feel like I’m out of control, I feel like my fears are controlling me and when I try to stop it, I’m lost. But I’m sorry that right now, I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t because I’m expected to be okay. I mean as everyone tells me, I have a perfect little family and could want nothing more. And yes, I appreciate Kieran and Luna so much, but if that were true, my mind would be okay.

I feel drained because every day is a battle that nobody can see. I feel exhausted because I can’t open up without fear of losing the ones I love most. So I sit tight and wait for my mind to settle. But it’s not. Monday, I have to sit across from a therapist and tell them the things that are on mind and maybe I’ll be a little calmer. I feel like all the colour has been drained from my life. That nothing makes sense and the world around me is in flames. I feel like I’m destroying everything and I can’t stop myself.

This picture isn’t perfect. It’s not in colour. It shows my imperfections. But it’s me. It’s who I am.

I’ll write again soon. But mentally, I can’t cope with my head. I can’t write it down because I don’t make sense of it. I hope that wherever you are right now, you’re not alone. Because having people around you that care, is something that shouldn’t be underestimated. I hope you’re okay and having a great day. Until I write again, Ferrari. ❤️

If you’re not already, follow me on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook by searching “OpenUpWithMe”❤️

Eating disorders…

The other day I posted about a few complications that come with having an eating disorder. I spoke about how the cycle is continuous and hard to break. How I feel sick when I don’t eat and then sick when I do. I’ve since eaten and felt worse.

On Sunday, I ate more in a day than I have done for a while. I started off with a quarter of a waffle, (proper pushed the boat out with breakfast), it wasn’t a small waffle, but one that took up the entire big plate. It made me feel overwhelmed and stuffed just from looking at it. However, despite the fact that I don’t eat breakfast, I still managed to eat something because I knew I was travelling today. I tried not too overeat as that would make me feel sick so I stopped when I felt full not that it took that much. Lunchtime I had managed to eat a whole double cheese burger from McDonald’s, something I had failed to do the day before (I only managed half) and a handful of chips. For dinner, I ate most of a roast dinner. However that’s when my body had decided I had eaten too much and I was sick. I felt totally guilty because it was a lovely meal cooked by Katie who is Kieran’s step mum. Within minutes of finishing the meal or at least as much as I could, I was running upstairs to puke and was sick two or three times.

Now, I don’t know how many others with eating disorders do this, but I have found that my body gets overwhelmed by a big plate. My brain tells me that there’s too much food on the plate and I feel like a pig, even if it’s a small portion on a big plate. I also cannot stand knowing or seeing my weight. My brain could read that I weigh less than 8 stone and I’d still think I was overweight. It stems from people calling me fat even though I’ve never been bigger than a size ten (unless I was pregnant. But that doesn’t actually count). They made me feel like I had to watch what I ate and watched the weight I put on. That’s not acceptable.

I also have a huge problem with stepping on scales. I refused to have scales in our home because it scares me. I’m scared that I’m going to step on the scales and it will read out fatty, (not likely to happen but still, my brain likes to overwork) or they would break. I hate knowing how much I weigh because I’m scared that I’d starve myself or overeat to the point of sickness. Now, the sickness isn’t intentional however at one point, it was. My body got so used to throwing up after eating that it would be an almost instant reaction, sort of like today. However, I stepped on a set of scales regardless. I weighed myself without being asked and without even thinking. I guess you could say curiosity got the better of me. And I hated seeing that it was less than 8 stone. Because even though I think that anything over 8 and a half stone is too big and under 8 is unhealthy, I can’t help but feel like it’s a battle I’m losing. Yet, today, I weighed just over 7 stone and that’s not good.

So I’m gonna start a food journal. I’m going to try and encourage my body to eat little and often. And once a month, I’m gonna review my weight and what I’ve eaten. Hopefully, I’ll be able to put some weight on before I start to turn it into muscle. Because this year, I want to be healthy.

Thank you for reading. And I hope you all have a great day. Ferrari ❤️