In my last blog post, I wrote how I was walking away from blogging. Believe me, I had every intention to walk away. I closed down both my Instagram and twitter pages dedicated to my blog because I couldn’t do it anymore. However, I’ve had a few people reach out and ask me to continue.
Thank you! Your words mean a lot to me and I have listened. So, those people got in touch and told me that my blog helped them on days where they felt they couldn’t get out of bed and my blog posts just helped them feel less isolated. When I first started writing, it was a place where I could express how I felt and things that were happening to me. I wrote because I loved it and because I wanted to help others that may have similar feelings to me. I have a habit of shutting people out because I feel like a burden, I have a habit of believing that I’m alone with no support and I know that it’s not true but there are times where I believe it.
It’s so hard to walk away from doing what I love, it’s even harder when I’ve had people getting in touch saying how impacted they were. I am so touched by the amount of support I’ve had, that I realised I wasn’t ready to give up. However, I won’t be blogging as much as I tried. Maybe one day I’ll go back to attempting a blog a day but right now, there is simply too much going on in and out of my head, that I don’t want to commit and running myself into the ground.
That being said, I would like to talk about some things that have been going on in my life recently and explaining where my head is at. Please bare in mind, that a lot of this, is still very much affecting me. And I won’t try and pretend to have all the answers. Because I don’t. I do however want to write and help people that are going through something similar.
Recently, I went through a really heartbreaking and emotionally draining thing. I might write about it at a later date, but right now it’s still very raw. But the truth is, I went through a miscarriage, alone because my boyfriend couldn’t be with me. It was horrible and if I’m honest, although there are many reasons why having a baby right now, isn’t the right move. But it still hurts.
I am so happy for my friends and family that are pregnant and celebrating their milestones for their children. Whether it be announcing their pregnancies, gender reveals or announcing their births. I am so beyond happy for them and want them to embrace every tiny detail to do with their pregnancies and births. Don’t hold back because you think it will be too upsetting for me. I don’t want you to do that. But there are days where I feel guilty for getting upset. I’m not upset because they’re celebrating them but because right now, it’s too raw right now.
If I’m completely honest, right now, I’m a wreck. My mind hurts day after day. My heart aches. My stomach is in knots and I spend most of my evenings upset and crying so much that my eyes are too puffy to do much else. I feel like I’m a failure. In just about everything that I do, I fail. I feel like there are no words to describe how I’m feeling.
It doesn’t help that I’ve found yet another bald patch. Nothing helps when that happens. I know my body is under too much stress and I just wish I knew how to make it stop. But even I can’t do that. I just can’t seem to stop everything getting to me.
I may not write as much as I did. But I will try and write as much as I can. Whether it’s a release of my emotions, or to address issues. Nobody said life would be easy, and some days it feels like it’s impossible to get out of bed. On those days, just remember that even getting out of bed, is an achievement! Stop being so hard on yourself. Everyone has bad days, we just can’t let those bad days control our lives.
Until the next time, where ever you are in the world, make sure your smile is shining brightly. 💕