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Mumma Life!

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

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Health❤️

No one can fault you for trying…

Write what should not be forgotten. – Isabel Allende

Everything I write on my blog, will be on the big wide world of the web. So I want to use it as a place to be remembered. I want people to be able to use my blog to express how they’re feeling when they can’t find the words… the only problem being sometimes I don’t even know the words to express how I feel. I am way too harsh on myself, and wont post something if I find it awful… probably why I have over 45 drafts… And I’ve found that it’s so much easier to write when I’m not at war with myself. So what do I do when I am at war with myself? I cry. A lot. Because I hate not being able to express myself through my words.

I can get myself into such a state. I am living with constant rollercoaster and I’m pretty sure the downs wouldn’t be as bad if I opened up when they were happening. I know I should, okay? I’m very much aware of the complications I create myself, but it’s not as simple as that to me. My brain has so much trouble with the ‘grey’ area, and even though it may not seem like it, I am working on that. It’s just hard. To me, a simple thing, would be blown way out of proportion because of the way I can’t express myself depending on the mood I am in. Sometimes I am so easy to get along with. I can take a joke and everything is great. However, sometimes I just lose control, and all the little things getting to me become too much.

I worry that the “little things” aren’t so little. I worry that those problems, will be too much and there’s no turning back, which is why I don’t discuss them. Then, when all the little ones build up, I lose it and by that point, there isn’t a chance to turn back. Slowly i’m accepting that I need to address things quickly, but I also need those nearest to me to understand that when I say I’m okay, its because I don’t want to talk about it and its not an invitation to ask further questions. That is one sure way, not to get me to open up.

I get so scared that people are going to leave me because of some of the thoughts that go through my head. There are times where I know I am being stupid but for some reason I can’t stop myself, its a defense mechanism. I get so scared people are going to leave so I push them away before they get a chance. Or, they get too close and I have to shut them out because IF they were to leave, it would utterly destroy me. I don’t believe that I am enough, I was hurt so badly that I can’t accept it when things are going well. That same fear creeps in because my past has taught me that even the ones that are supposed to never leave, will. So the ones that say they will never leave, still could.

I have walls up for my own protection. There are days where my existence feels lonely and isolated, because the fear has grown so strong, that I have no choice but to suffer in silence. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that my feelings are sometimes overbearing. I can be completely rational one moment and the slightest change in my feelings, will cause my brain to do a complete 180 and I can’t slow it down or even stop it. I feel like I can’t love myself so why should anyone else. I lose count of how much I ask that I’m enough because I have never felt like it. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have no confidence when it comes to myself. Yet, I can put on one hell of a persona, and that persona would have you believe that I could do anything I set my mind too. The truth is, I’m so scared to be who I really am, because who I am is emotional and overwhelming. My mind is a whirlwind but sometimes, its more of a blessing than a curse.

Nothing in this world is easy, I know that from my hard past. Yet, I am still fighting so that has to count for something. I still write, even though I think there isn’t a point some days. I still try because if I do give up, I’m teaching Luna that it’s okay to stop when things get too tough. The truth is, you can take a break. Sometimes a break from all situations will do you more good than you realise. I may not have been able to write for a while, but I’m still trying.

I battle myself each and every day. I don’t think I can remember when I didn’t battle myself over something. I battle whether or not to bring something up or to bury it till it finds its own way out later. I battle whether to walk out my door and face people even though I feel like a failure. I battle with every thought and feeling, questioning if it’s rational or not. So remember that the next time I do decide to open up. Because I would have battled myself for hours on whether or not to say something.

Every one has their own battles, and most of the time, we can’t see them. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t pushing through them and trying. It’s the ones that don’t give up, even when life gives them so many reasons too. I try even on the days where I feel like running and hiding. Sometimes I fail and that takes a serious toll on me. But on the times that I don’t, I know nobody can take it away from me. This life with borderline is hard, but I haven’t stopped trying yet.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

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Being a mum❤️ Ferrari❤️

I’m A Queen…

How shallow and superficial must I be to refer to myself as a Queen, but I honestly believe that there is royalty in all of us, it’s just a matter of establishing your self worth. You are worth more than anyone else gives you credit for. You go through battles that nobody sees every single day and you don’t give yourself enough props. You work through hard days because its expected, even though inside it kills you just to fake a smile. You have been put down and forgotten, but that’s because you forgot to remember yourself. You and you alone have got through every day that lead you to today and there is always a reason for it. Even in your darkest moments, there are reasons. You are not alone, you will never be alone for as long as you want people around. You are loved even when you don’t love yourself. You are you and that’s the best person to be. You are worth every diamond, every rock and everything in between. Because you, are irreplaceable.

Every single person on this planet has troubles and no single person is perfect. Anyone who claims to be, is a robot and doesn’t actually function. Perfection is a standard set to promise failure because its not achieveable. So stop trying and just embrace who you are, warts and all.

Today, I got asked what I would write to a 13 year old me, and it was such a simply hard question to answer. They didn’t know that at 13 my life changed so dramatically that I still haven’t really got myself back and that wasn’t their fault, but how I let that time affect me now, is my fault. This was a time where I was called a drama queen, an attention seeker, a liar and manipulator and most of all, it was the time that I needed everyone around me more than ever. I have spent most of my life as a victim of my past and I refuse to let it have that control over me anymore. I refuse to let other peoples actions and words determine the person that I let my little girl live up too. How can I, as a mother of a girl that will one day also be a teenager, let things that brought so much self destruction and self doubt, be the things she see? I can’t. The day I gave birth to her, I became a Queen in her eyes and she became my little princess. The one girl that I would give my life for without a first thought, let alone a second. I would go to the ends of the earth for her, and that means facing the demons that haunt my nightmares and keep me awake. It means admitting that PTSD is a real thing and its soul destroying but I will not let that be the side she grows up with.

If I wrote a letter to 13 year old me, it would go something like…

“Dear “Drama Queen”,
Embrace your title, embrace your dreams because you can do anything. No single person can stop you from living your life and being the person you want to be.
There are people around you that are going to become toxic, and although you are going to go through a turbulent time, it will get easier and it will all be worth it. But you can’t let their words shape you. You can go through hell and back, just don’t lose your smile. Don’t lose your personality and don’t lose your voice.
Your body is amazing, and you don’t need to worry about your weight until you get pregnant, because believe me, you will get fat but your child is worth it. Don’t lose that love of food, because it will make you try such random but beautiful meals. Food isn’t the answer, and neither is avoiding it.
Make sure you pick your own path. There are people that will say being creative doesn’t lead to jobs, and its bollocks!
Don’t hide your emotions. Don’t be embarrassed, you have a big heart and so many of your problems can be solved if you open up. People won’t always leave, I mean, you get to meet some of the best people, just open up and tell them what it’s like. There’s a reason you think and feel differently, and the ones that matter, won’t ever judge you for it, they try to understand it and they embrace it.
So many people will make you feel small, so many will doubt you and will try to bring you down, but you are worth more than that. Believe in yourself and you will be surprised where you end up.
Its going to be okay, I promise, and you should know, we don’t make promises we have no intention of keeping!”

I realised today that I wouldn’t change the things I went through, not the good and not the bad, but I would change how I dealt with it. So I’m going too. One day, very soon, I will post about the nightmares, I will post about the scariest and darkest moments because if I’m going to address them, It’s going to be my way. I always said I wanted to use my voice to make a difference, and I thought that meant going into law because I love arguments. I didn’t need a law degree because I have this. I have my voice and I have one hell of a way to go. But if I can help one person, if I can make a difference in just a single life, then all of the pain that I suffered to be strong will be worth it.

D4IG3VxXoAAC3Ja
My little princess.

 

Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but it was meant to be lived. I’m not going to live in fear. Not in fear of others and their words, of people and their actions and I refuse to be scared of who I am. To some I am nothing, to others I am something, but to the most important person, I am everything, and that is enough for me. Don’t lose yourself to opinions of the few, because they will always look to bring you down to them because its easier to attack. Embrace the ones who matter, because they are irreplaceable. Until the next time, enjoy your day and ill speak soon. Ferrari❤️

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Ferrari❤️ Lifestyle❤️

“Openupwithme”

How fitting that my blog be called open up with me and yet it’s the area I struggle with most. That makes me a hypocrite right? Because I talk about opening up and yet I just lost one of my best friends because I couldn’t physically open up to him and I’m not going to lie to you guys, it’s sucks! I can sit here and say how it’s not my fault but it really is. I hit self destruct and the people I love are collateral damage. That’s my toxic trait. The fact that I can’t open up and I lose people because of it.

When something small bothers me, it grows and grows. One tiny little thing, grows and manifests itself to the point of an avalanche comes over me that’s beyond my control. Now I could avoid this avalanche of shit if I just opened up about the things that were bothering me. If I just said what little thing was getting to me instead of ignoring it and burying it. Because that’s when it grows. It feeds of the fact that I didn’t address it until the point it warps the truth and reality. To the point it twists my brain into thinking the worst possible scenario. But I can’t do it. I can’t open up and let people in because I feel low and defeated that my brain isn’t thinking normally. Because I feel pathetic and needy that I took something in a way I knew I shouldn’t but it hurt none the less. Because I feel irritating and clingy that I need to be reassured so much. Because I’m scared that if I let you in and say the wrong thing, you’ll leave anyway.

It’s not all the time and that’s what makes this harder. Because, there are some days where I have strength and determination. I have days where I’m so easy to get along with and could talk about everything yet a few months ago, I hit self destruct and lost sense of reality and I’ve been struggling to find it ever since. But that means that right now, I’m hard work. It’s hard work to think normally and act normally when my brain is the complete opposite.

I know I have to let people in. I know the wall needs to come down. I know that fear stops me. But I’m trying. Because the people I love deserve better than me being closed. So I’m sorry. I know sorry is just a word and doesn’t change anything, but I want to open up more. Especially to the ones I love, I just have trouble finding the words. I refuse to lose anyone else because of this wall. Brick by brick, it’s going to come down.

I will find a way to let people in. I have to or I’ll lose everyone.

*UPDATE*

So thank you to each and every person that has read just one of my blog pieces, and a massive thank you to my subscribers. You guys are amazing! Each and every person that has visited my blog has helped me smash my first target of 1000 views and I truly appreciate your support. I can’t believe that things I’ve written have been read all over the world. It’s read by people I love and adore, as well as people I don’t know personally. It’s read in my hometown and it’s read on the other side of the world. That’s unbelievable. So thank you! I have so many plans for my blog which I will give you guys a proper update soon, I’m just taking some personal time. I’m going to blog sporadically for a while, just whilst I focus on myself and my baby girl. But your support is appreciated and I am truly thankful. Until next time, Ferrari.❤️

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Health❤️

#TimeToTalk

If you’re on Twitter, you’ll have seen this hashtag flying about. It’s about mental health and how we need to end the discrimination and stigma surrounding it.

I’m quite fortunate because I have a means of expressing myself through this blog and that’s my way of coping right now. But many people aren’t that lucky. They suffer in silence because they are scared to talk about their problems. That isn’t fair. But there are always options.

Now, I went to the doctor in order to get referred but you can do a self referral to mind and they are great. But there are people that you can talk to. And you shouldn’t feel ashamed. Plenty of people have an issue with their mental health but that doesn’t make you any less of a person.

Since I went to see my local GP, I got put in touch with the Access and Assessment Unit at my local hospital and have seen them twice with my third coming up in a few weeks. We talk about all sorts of things, and she just listens. Although she has a pretty good idea what’s wrong, and I’ve got one of my definite diagnoses, but I’ve still got a long way to go. She sat on the phone and just listened to me rant for half an hour because she knew I had a bad weekend. Just having someone to listen, helps.

She’s spoke to the psychiatrist who is willing to see me to start the weekly therapy process and I’ve been in touch with a dietician. That’s three different professionals who are helping me overcome my many issues. That’s three people that listen and help. They aren’t tearing me down every chance they get.

However, I know there are people that are going to read this and want to speak out and I will listen. If you need an ear, well I have two. If you need a distraction, well, I can try my hardest to make you laugh. You honestly don’t have to go through this alone. Mental health is normal. So many people have and will be effected in one way or another. Speak to people who want to listen. The ones who won’t tell you how you should be thankful because people have it worse. They won’t belittle you and make you feel like you don’t matter.

It’s okay not to be okay. You don’t have to have it together 24/7 and nobody should expect you to. But there are brighter days just beyond the horizon and you’re not alone.

I’m not afraid to speak out. #TimeToChange

Thank you for reading. Ferrari. 💝

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Health❤️

Emotionally Sensitive…

I am emotionally sensitive. In everything I say and do, I am more sensitive than others. It’s not something I developed or brought on myself. It is the way my brain works and has always worked. I can’t switch it on and off and I can’t drown it out. It is who I am and it’s who I am always going to be. There are so many bad sides to it but there are also many good.

Today, I had yet another assessment at the mental health unit of my local hospital. One that was more in-depth, and it was easier to open up in. Now, remember I said I’m emotionally sensitive? Well, every time I talk about things and situations that make me uncomfortable, things that I bottled up for a perfectly valid reasons and things that scare me so much I don’t sleep at night, are emotionally exhausting. I come home and just want to sleep because I can’t physically cope with bringing up things I buried. It’s so emotionally draining, to talk about things that I’ve carried around with me for years, things that I could have done better and situations I could have handled differently. I bury things because it’s easier than dealing with the tidal wave of emotions that come with it that stick around for days. Unlike a normal person, their hiccups would be like a single note on a soundwave chart where as mine are like echoes, huge to begin with and take a while to fade out.

Every day people ask me how I am, most of the time I say I’m fine, which is a lie. I’m not fine and right now I’m far from it. I have so much going on that I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning with no water, no ability to call for help, no air. Just this giant void. Just this giant void of emotions that I can’t physically control. I have anxiety sucking the life out of me and depression keeping it dark so I can’t see what’s slowly destroying me. I look in the mirror and I don’t know who is looking back at me. I don’t recognise myself. I see pain and sorrow, I see heartache and despair. I can’t be the person expected of me because I lost who I was a long time ago and it’s only now that I’m starting to put myself back.

She sat opposite me and told me that my mental health was complex, that there was more that one thing preventing me from being well again. I mean I have always known I’m not like other people, I just didn’t realise how different I am. She told me how although I have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I have other things such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Grief, and Post-Natal Depression that mean she doesn’t want to say for definite. But she is sure that I have Severe Anxiety and Post-Natal Depression. She is sure that I’m emotionally sensitive which that paired with many invalidating environments means that I’m at a biological disadvantage for BPD.

So yes, I’m emotionally sensitive. I always have been. I wouldn’t change it. Even though I may “overreact” to things, have a more intense reaction to situations and it may take me longer to get back to a neutral level, it’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I physically can’t. It’s because a normal person can get over situations and be fine, I can’t. She told me how even though I may not be able to control myself “losing it”, I over analyse it afterwards. My brain is always working to find a logical answer. When the truth is, there isn’t always one.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, I let people get close to me and I keep them around out of fear. That same fear that can drive people away. I love more intensely because I’m emotionally sensitive. I am way too connected to how I feel and usually I let it control me. I have people do me wrong and I look for logical answers as to why they acted that way. I can pinpoint every single problem I have in my brain and most of them could be solved so easily by shutting everyone out. Because I carry everyone’s baggage as well as my own. I look for the best even when I’m surrounded by the worst. I will look for the good in people long before I listen to the bad. Sometimes, it takes years.

But do you know why I’m glad I’m emotionally sensitive? Because it means that I can feel so much more, despite it only ever being black and white, the good is far greater than the weight of the bad. That’s why I’m still fighting. Because, I get to experience the very best on a good day; the very best of everyone around me being in a good place, the best of everyone’s emotions around me and knowing that they are in a better place. There are days where I spend it picking up everyone else and listening to their problems. Sure, that means worrying for them and caring for them, but it also means that they have a place in my ever-growing heart. It means that I don’t stop loving people even when I should because I love them for what they did. It means that when I fall in love, I get hurt but I get the very best. It makes me more creative and I love that part of my personality.

It’s hard for me to just say how I feel straight off the bat because I know so many people would take what I say personally and like an attack and it’s not like that. It’s not that I mean it that way, its just my brain doesn’t sensor what I have to say and how I should say it. Half the time I know what I want to say but I don’t want to offend people because every time I hurt someone’s feelings, I punish myself. Every argument, every disagreement, every simple case of overreacting in your eyes and I will punish myself for not being able to have control like everyone else and it’s not my fault. I didn’t ask to be sensitive and its more draining for me than it could ever be for you.

I love to talk about anything and everything if its not myself. I would much rather discuss different types of Ash with Sherlock than talk about myself. But I can write. And I’ve always written. So, my writing will help me through this.

I got some help today on how those can around me can help when I’ve been triggered, and I figured I could share it with you. Because there’s a few people that I care about deeply who don’t understand and maybe this could help. It was given to me as part of an information pack for Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD)/ BPD.

  • Listen and try to understand us. Part of the reason we lash out is because we feel misunderstood and ignored.
  • Find out their triggers because there are certain situations or conversations that will set off a spiral of emotions and thoughts, support them as much as you can. The hardest part is reality hitting us afterwards. It’s hard to understand why we reacted in a certain way but that is where communication is for important.
  • Be patient and avoid arguments and difficult situations because we see in black and white and the black is far darker than you could imagine.
  • Try not to judge us. Even when you don’t understand why we feel or behave the way we do, its so much harder to control than you think.
  • Stay calm and consistent.
  • Help keep them safe.

The next steps for me are; to see a psychotherapist, to see a grief counsellor, to see a dietician and to attend therapy for the indefinite future. It’s gonna take a while to get them all but at least there’s some hope. I have to see a specialist to talk about rape and how I was sexually abused at 13 and how that’s shaped a lot of what I don’t do today. I must talk about situations like my earliest childhood memory and my biggest fears. If you knew either, you’d know they paint people in some bad lights but things that I still carry with me to this day. I have to talk about how I feel everything, and the only escape comes from the words written on my pages.

I may not be okay right now, but I will be. I may have days where I am at the bottom of the ocean, lost and forgotten but I also have days where nothing could touch me because I’m no longer on the planet. You can get far higher with no limitation than you can going south and burning in the earths core. But you need to seek help. I mean yes, I am down but I know that one day, after intensive therapy I will be able to cope. And I promise, I will keep you all up to date on my journey.