I wish I could eat…

Have you ever tried to live with an eating disorder? Let me tell you, it’s the worst!!

I can’t remember the last time I ate properly. To actually eat at least one meal. I just can’t. I can’t physically bring myself to eat and I know it’s stupid. Okay! I know that I can’t control my emotions so I control my eating. Granted, I’ve stopped forcing myself to be sick after eating, now I’m just starving myself.

It’s not because I want too most of the time. I’m just not hungry. That’s the truth. See, starving yourself shrinks your stomach. You don’t feel hungry, you just feel sick. And then you eat, and you feel worse. So you question the point of eating. But not eating steals my energy, steals my sleep and still doesn’t stop. But I can’t bring myself to eat properly. I lost four stone in two months because I thought I was too fat. I weigh less than 8 stone and I think I’m too fat. You can all sit there and tell me I’m not, but you’re not my head so it doesn’t matter. My head tells me I’m fat. I look in a mirror and I see the fat faced chick that I was and I hated it. I looked healthy and I hated it. (I had not long given birth, so my face was still carrying pregnancy weight, yet I didn’t see it like that.)

I was pregnant with my little beauty and would look in the mirror and think I was fat. I hated being pregnant. It didn’t matter that I was carrying my baby, making sure she was healthy and eating enough to satisfy her, yet I couldn’t stand myself. I wouldn’t change it. But I couldn’t stand the fact that I went from 7 and a half stone up to nearly 12… she weighed FIVE POUNDS yet I had gained over four stone. So as soon as I stopped breastfeeding, I cut my eating down again and never picked it up.

I wish I could eat properly. I wish I wasn’t so paranoid about my weight. I wish I could enjoy all the foods I used to love. Maybe one day I will but for now, I just wish I could eat something. Anything. Because every time I do, I gag. I’ve tried eating little and often, I’ve tried supplement drinks and I’ve tried training my brain to think of a small plate as less food. Nothing is helping. Maybe. That’s what I’m holding onto. A maybe that the clinic will help me. Because I can’t be like this.

I NEVER want to be that size again.

Thanks for reading. I truly appreciate it. Ferrari❤️

Positive Thought #2

Every cloud has a silver lining. You just have to look for it.

A little under a month ago, I attended an assessment of my mental health at my local hospital. I was referred there after being told there was a strong possibility I had BPD and it would be the only way I would know for sure. I attended said appointment and it was awful. I’m not going to sugarcoat. I was a wreck and I felt like I left in a worse state than when I went in. He said another appointment would be in the post but I’m still under assessment.

Fast forward to today and I received two letters from the hospital. The first stating that I had my next assessment appointment come through and the second was my care plan. Because I’m still under assessment as “I have a long history” (their words not mine. Talk about make me feel like I’m loosing my marbles. What they meant to say was, it’s not easy because for a 25 year old female, I’ve had to deal with a fair amount of crap) and we had time constraints. The second point being that I need to see a psychotherapist because he doesn’t believe counselling will help, because he believes I need something more long term.

Normally, this would send me into an anger I can’t get back from. However, I am trying to see the positives. I mean sure, I have a letter confirming I do need help but it’s more than I had last week. I mean sure come the 17th, I’m going to want to cry my eyes out but maybe, just maybe it will help. Maybe, if I actually just stop worrying that I won’t be okay and believe I might be, it won’t be looming around like a bad smell.

I’m one step closer to being able to get my head back to thinking straight. I mean I know it’s not going to happen overnight but the steps are there. And I want you guys to know that you can do it too. Your mental health is important and you are the only person that can make it better. But you have to speak up.

Believe me, I know how hard it is to want to talk when every fibre inside you is telling you not too. I know that most days you don’t even want to get out of bed. That doing normal things like brushing your hair, getting dressed and taking a shower become some of the most difficult. There were days I didn’t want to get out of bed. There were days I wouldn’t shower or get dressed. There were days I was a disgusting slob and I didn’t care. But not this year!

Yesterday, I refused to let myself stay down and sure I was tired and drained from the night before but I managed to get myself out of bed and to socialise with people. I managed to sit and play with daughter without needing anyone else there because I finally felt I could. I know there are days where I haven’t given Kieran the credit he deserves because my goodness he puts up with a lot. And it’s about time I started to dip my toes.

He has been both parents most of the time. He looks after our daughter every day. I have tried. My goodness I try but I know I could do more. I love my daughter more than I ever thought possible but I haven’t been anywhere near as good as a mum as I can. I can’t remember the last time I changed my daughters nappy, put her to bed or even gave her a bath. I can’t remember the last time I read her a story or got her dressed. Kieran does all those things and so much more. To begin with, I breastfed her, I got her dressed and I would bathe her, all with him but i knew he could leave me alone and I would still be fit to look after her. Not so much at the moment.

Now I can tell you that even though I have been at my weakest, I have still cuddled her every time she cried, I have still sung to her at times when she wouldn’t relax and I have sat and listened to music with her dancing. But that’s not enough. And she deserves so much more. But I have tried. Today however, we sat and sang songs and played for an hour this morning. We had time together that I missed so much! And because of her, I knew I was gonna be strong today. Because she needed me to be. So I got up, I got dressed and did my make up and went into town by myself. I may have had a massive panic attack in town and not stay there for very long but I did it and nobody can take that away. I may not have got everything I would have liked done, but I did get what I needed done. And today, even a little bit off a long list is okay.

It’s day two and today, even a little was enough because that’s still more than I did yesterday. So remember, It’s okay that you didn’t get everything you would have wanted done, because you got something done and even if that’s just getting out of bed. That’s worth be proud of. Don’t let your mind dictate what can and can’t be a good day. Let the bad things pass and focus on the things you did today! Because what ifs and could haves aren’t as important as the things you’ve accomplished when you felt like you couldn’t do anything.

I love you guys and thanks for reading. ❤️

Parenting

Anyone can father a child, it takes someone special to be a dad.

One of my biggest fears was that when I had children, their father wouldn’t be around. I didn’t want them to experience not knowing when they would next see them.

I was lucky. I had a pretty awesome childhood, sure there was drama in it but I try not to dwell on the negatives. I mean so much has changed since I was born, that most of the people have changed for the better.

My mum has always been around, she’s always pushed us to follow our dreams, she encourages us to go forward in life and she’s always listened when we were upset. Although she spent most of my childhood as a single mum, I think she did an incredible job. We had everything we needed. We got the life skills we needed to be decent people. She’s an incredible, strong and independent woman who has so much courage and determination that helped her achieve so much.

Now I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. No matter what, I’ve always known that my dad loves and cares about me. He may not have been in the family home but I’ve still got some of the greatest memories with him. Memories that I will cherish until I can’t remember them anymore. Every day forward, I am proud of the father he is to my younger siblings. The way he has improved at parenting, because nobody is perfect. He keeps taking steps forward and words can not describe how happy I am. (Nobody has the right to judge anyone. As long as you learn from your mistakes, they can’t be held against you.)

Then we come to me as a parent. I wanted to be like each of them in their own ways. I wanted to be put my children first. I wanted them to know that I would always be around, that they can come to me about anything, that I would never judge them. The problem was, although I could list of everything I wanted to be as a parent, I couldn’t control how the father would be. Parenting is all about working as a team to bring the child up the best way possible.

Now even though Kieran has only been a dad for nine months, he is by far the greatest dad I know! He knew I was pregnant before I had done a test. So much so he would keep making jokes about it. I think it was his way of telling me that I needed to do a test. I remember telling him and his reply being “told you so” imitating me with the exact face I would have pulled at him. He knows me so well.

Every day during my pregnancy, he was there. He came to every scan. He made sure he was at every check and doctors appointment possible. (Due to having the baby in the south and us studying in the midlands, it meant that he missed a few weeks towards the end. As I was granted Mat Leave and he couldn’t for obvious reasons.) Kieran held my hand, endured my mood swings, rubbed my back, massaged my legs and dealt with every craving. He was impressive. He looked after me better than I ever thought possible and I knew that our daughter was one incredibly lucky girl. Everytime I panicked, he would talk me down and tell me that not only was she a fighter like me, but she’d also be stubborn. That she was going to be okay and that as soon as she was here, I’d be able to see that I’m doing an awesome job. He is brilliant like that.

From the day she was born, he has gone above and beyond what I thought possible. Luna was breastfed, so everytime I woke up for a feed, he would be awake with me so that I wasn’t alone. He stayed with us each time we were admitted back into hospital, even though he couldn’t stand being there. He made sure she was calm and relaxed so I could get some sleep. From the day she was born, he has stayed by our sides every step of the way. Luna is a daddy’s girl, and adores spending time with him. He can make her smile and laugh so easily. She can be having a screaming fit but would always calm down for daddy cuddles.

I never doubted his ability as a dad, but I do think I greatly underestimated it. Because I have seen how protective he got over his sister, how he couldn’t bare the thought of having her in care. The way he is around his other sisters and brother, that no matter how much time goes by, they still act as if they saw each other the weekend before. The bond he has with his siblings considering the things they have gone through is a blessing. Yet, Kieran has been my rock. And because of it, we have one extremely happy little lady.

I am truly thankful for the man and father he is, for taking time when he needs it, for never letting himself get angry, for making her smile, for hearing her little belly laugh, for showing her strength, for loving her. I am thankful because I believe that I found the greatest father to our child, and for loving me as well as he does. I am so proud to say that you’re ours. 💋❤️

The last year!

Has it really been over a year since I last wrote here? Wow that’s really long. Truth is, a lot has happened in the last year that I wouldn’t know where to start. So I thought I’d tell you about one of the most important.

On the 22nd of December 2017, me and my amazing boyfriend brought our daughter into this world safely. She weighed 5lb 5oz and made my world perfect!

As you can imagine, with the Addison’s, there were many complications. I wasn’t allowed to go full term as we wasn’t sure what kind of stress that would have on my body, so she was born at 36&5. She was also breech and they couldn’t turn her due to the stress it would cause to my body so after I lost my mucus plug believe me it’s as disgusting as it sounds, they decided that my beautiful daughter was to be born two days later via c-section as it was too much of a risk to go 37 weeks and deliver naturally.

She was here and our lives changed dramatically. She put perspective into my mind and she is at the forefront of everything I do and plan to do.

The last 8 months haven’t been easy, but my goodness!! Every day with my daughter is the best day ever. We managed through her colic at 2am-6am and yes it was painful. We got through her reflux and pulled her out the other side.

But even through the sleepless nights and the pain that I couldn’t take away, I have gotten to see my baby girl grow in so many ways. Her first word was mum and it makes my heart melt every time. I’m still not used to being called mum or mummy. The way she has grown into her cheeky, bubbly personality. The way she looks up with me so innocently and with so much love in her eyes.

Being a mum is by far the most rewarding role I could ever have. And it means so much more considering I honestly thought I’d never get the chance. There is always a way. 💋❤️