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Mumma Life!

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

Categories
Health❤️

No one can fault you for trying…

Write what should not be forgotten. – Isabel Allende

Everything I write on my blog, will be on the big wide world of the web. So I want to use it as a place to be remembered. I want people to be able to use my blog to express how they’re feeling when they can’t find the words… the only problem being sometimes I don’t even know the words to express how I feel. I am way too harsh on myself, and wont post something if I find it awful… probably why I have over 45 drafts… And I’ve found that it’s so much easier to write when I’m not at war with myself. So what do I do when I am at war with myself? I cry. A lot. Because I hate not being able to express myself through my words.

I can get myself into such a state. I am living with constant rollercoaster and I’m pretty sure the downs wouldn’t be as bad if I opened up when they were happening. I know I should, okay? I’m very much aware of the complications I create myself, but it’s not as simple as that to me. My brain has so much trouble with the ‘grey’ area, and even though it may not seem like it, I am working on that. It’s just hard. To me, a simple thing, would be blown way out of proportion because of the way I can’t express myself depending on the mood I am in. Sometimes I am so easy to get along with. I can take a joke and everything is great. However, sometimes I just lose control, and all the little things getting to me become too much.

I worry that the “little things” aren’t so little. I worry that those problems, will be too much and there’s no turning back, which is why I don’t discuss them. Then, when all the little ones build up, I lose it and by that point, there isn’t a chance to turn back. Slowly i’m accepting that I need to address things quickly, but I also need those nearest to me to understand that when I say I’m okay, its because I don’t want to talk about it and its not an invitation to ask further questions. That is one sure way, not to get me to open up.

I get so scared that people are going to leave me because of some of the thoughts that go through my head. There are times where I know I am being stupid but for some reason I can’t stop myself, its a defense mechanism. I get so scared people are going to leave so I push them away before they get a chance. Or, they get too close and I have to shut them out because IF they were to leave, it would utterly destroy me. I don’t believe that I am enough, I was hurt so badly that I can’t accept it when things are going well. That same fear creeps in because my past has taught me that even the ones that are supposed to never leave, will. So the ones that say they will never leave, still could.

I have walls up for my own protection. There are days where my existence feels lonely and isolated, because the fear has grown so strong, that I have no choice but to suffer in silence. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that my feelings are sometimes overbearing. I can be completely rational one moment and the slightest change in my feelings, will cause my brain to do a complete 180 and I can’t slow it down or even stop it. I feel like I can’t love myself so why should anyone else. I lose count of how much I ask that I’m enough because I have never felt like it. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have no confidence when it comes to myself. Yet, I can put on one hell of a persona, and that persona would have you believe that I could do anything I set my mind too. The truth is, I’m so scared to be who I really am, because who I am is emotional and overwhelming. My mind is a whirlwind but sometimes, its more of a blessing than a curse.

Nothing in this world is easy, I know that from my hard past. Yet, I am still fighting so that has to count for something. I still write, even though I think there isn’t a point some days. I still try because if I do give up, I’m teaching Luna that it’s okay to stop when things get too tough. The truth is, you can take a break. Sometimes a break from all situations will do you more good than you realise. I may not have been able to write for a while, but I’m still trying.

I battle myself each and every day. I don’t think I can remember when I didn’t battle myself over something. I battle whether or not to bring something up or to bury it till it finds its own way out later. I battle whether to walk out my door and face people even though I feel like a failure. I battle with every thought and feeling, questioning if it’s rational or not. So remember that the next time I do decide to open up. Because I would have battled myself for hours on whether or not to say something.

Every one has their own battles, and most of the time, we can’t see them. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t pushing through them and trying. It’s the ones that don’t give up, even when life gives them so many reasons too. I try even on the days where I feel like running and hiding. Sometimes I fail and that takes a serious toll on me. But on the times that I don’t, I know nobody can take it away from me. This life with borderline is hard, but I haven’t stopped trying yet.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

#BorderlinePersonalityMonth ❤️

For the whole of May, it’s BPD month, so I figured as someone with this mental illness, that a blog post dedicated to it would be worth it. It’s one of the hardest illnesses that I’ve ever had the misfortune to have because it affects each and every day of my life.

Ever since I got diagnosed, I’ve had nothing but trouble. Most people will look down their noses at me because they don’t understand. They will belittle me because it’s easier than open their ears and listening. And mostly, too many people don’t care and will happily trigger you so they can tell you how much of a horrible person I am. Yet, I’m one of the most open and caring people I have ever met, and even though my days are hard, there are some good points.

Symptoms

  • Needing attention
  • Emotional Outbursts
  • Social Withdrawal
  • Self-Destructive Behaviours
  • Being Clingy
  • Forgetting Things
  • Getting upset about simple things
  • Weird and unusual triggers
  • Needing validation

As someone with BPD, I have experienced all of these and so many others. I have emotional outbursts that don’t make sense that have stemmed from something so small. I have outbursts because I don’t feel like I can tell people what’s really bothering me. I shut myself off all the time and I cling onto people that I care about because rejection and abandonment fill my head each and every day. During times of emotional distress, I end up verbally lashing out. I end up pushing those I love away and making the situation a thousand times worse. And they are coming from not wanting to be left again. Because I can’t see the grey, it’s either good or bad, never okay and because of it, I can go from one extreme to the other at the drop of a hat. It’s uncontrollable and soul destroying when I hit the bad parts. It’s like a darkness swallowing me whole. It feels like I’m the worst person in the world who doesn’t deserve love and friendship.

I could talk about the negatives until the cows come home but that’s only one side to this disorder. I may experience the worst of the worst, but I also get to experience the best of the best. And those are the moments I live for. For pure happiness. It’s like being so high that nothing can touch you. At that moment, you feel like nothing can hurt you and it’s perfect.But here are the positive sides to this condition that are underestimated.

  • My relationships with people mean everything to me. I have a big heart and care about everyone in my life. I have listened and been there for people long after I should have. I have cared for people long after they stopped caring for me. I have been there for people I barely know and I have listened to people that needed me.
  • As someone who is so emotionally sensitive, I can generally read people’s emotions better than others. I can tell you when people are agitated because I have to go through it every day. I can signs that seem so obvious to me yet others wouldn’t even acknowledge them.
  • I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve lived in toxic situations and had people that are supposed to love me unconditionally trigger me and not care. Every day I wake up in a toxic house, filled with toxic people. And the day I get out of here, I won’t look back. Sure, some days look like I’ll never get out of here, but that hasn’t stopped me trying. I’ve been lied to and abused. I’ve been raped and neglected. Yet I still wake up with a little bit of hope that things may be okay. I’ve looked into the devils eyes and told him that he will not take me. I’ve been strong when every fibre of my body was telling me to quit. So yes, I’m emotional, but ask my best friends, they will tell you that I’m one of the strongest people they have ever met. I’m strong because if I wasn’t, I’d have killed myself long ago.
  • Having BPD, means that I have become more creative because I tap into emotions that others can’t understand. I can write, act, and interpret things that others wouldn’t even dream of. Some of the greatest writers had forms of mental health problems such as Ernest Hemingway and Virginia Woolf. They both suffered dramatically yet their books are a part of culture.
  • I am passionate about so many things and yet it’s a blessing and a curse. It means that I will not give up fighting even when I should. It means that people who refuse to open their minds frustrate me. It means that I will argue with people when I believe their wrong even if it means losing them. But it also means I won’t back down. I won’t stop fighting for what I want.

Living with BPD is hard because we have so many triggers. Some of them are rational whilst others are stupid and these are just a few.

  • Being ignored or feeling like I’m ignored, starts off the abandonment and rejection. It’s like a reminder that I’m not worth their time or effort. It’s hard because I already feel that way and getting ignored just confirms it. Then I feel like I need to repair the situation which also makes it worse.
  • Being told to calm down when I’m not angry. That starts a series of emotions that result in anger.
  • When my feelings are invalidated like “it’s just going to happen until you change it”, “you’re way too emotional for me”, “well that’s a bit over the top”… whilst these comments may be true, you’re basically telling me that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do instead of helping me cope with how I’m feeling.
  • When people tell me how to parent my daughter. This grates as my mood all the time. This will come from people that have a massive part to answer for why I am the way that I am. It’s the same people that live to invalidate me. It’s the same people that would tell me that they don’t care if they trigger my bad moods because they are right.
  • When the older generation say things like “well it was acceptable in my day”… really? People were punished for who they loved, people were invalidated and degraded because you people believed it was right. No. Just because in your day it was acceptable doesn’t make it right. A prime example was when three people that are atleast ten years older than me, told me that it was acceptable for a person to say to a child that their parents leaving them was their fault for misbehaving. That creates so many problems that the older generation are naive too.

Now for some statistics. 7/10 people will try to kill themselves whilst living with this disease. 1 in every 10 of us, will achieve suicide. This comes from not feeling good enough, from feeling like a burden and from believing the worst thoughts in their head. Nearly all of us will have some form of self harm or self destructive behaviour and we can’t stop them. We try and most of the time we fail. And even though that failure confirms how we feel inside, we still try and stop ourselves. Sometimes we feel too much and others we don’t anything at all. We feel like a contradiction.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov

This is my first post dedicated to BPD, I’m a bit late as I’ve started it on the 6th. But every day I want to educate and inform people about something that needs more awareness. I’ll be writing about triggers in more detail as well as some of the more positive sides. I’ll tell you all about the different sides of this condition, explain what it means to have and be a favourite person to someone with BPD as well as how I’m managing to live with the biggest emotional range I’ve ever experienced. Thank you for reading and I hope you have an amazing day. As always, check me out on twitter or insta by searching OpenUpWithMe and drop me a message. Until the next time. Ferrari. ❤️

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Ferrari❤️ Lifestyle❤️

“Openupwithme”

How fitting that my blog be called open up with me and yet it’s the area I struggle with most. That makes me a hypocrite right? Because I talk about opening up and yet I just lost one of my best friends because I couldn’t physically open up to him and I’m not going to lie to you guys, it’s sucks! I can sit here and say how it’s not my fault but it really is. I hit self destruct and the people I love are collateral damage. That’s my toxic trait. The fact that I can’t open up and I lose people because of it.

When something small bothers me, it grows and grows. One tiny little thing, grows and manifests itself to the point of an avalanche comes over me that’s beyond my control. Now I could avoid this avalanche of shit if I just opened up about the things that were bothering me. If I just said what little thing was getting to me instead of ignoring it and burying it. Because that’s when it grows. It feeds of the fact that I didn’t address it until the point it warps the truth and reality. To the point it twists my brain into thinking the worst possible scenario. But I can’t do it. I can’t open up and let people in because I feel low and defeated that my brain isn’t thinking normally. Because I feel pathetic and needy that I took something in a way I knew I shouldn’t but it hurt none the less. Because I feel irritating and clingy that I need to be reassured so much. Because I’m scared that if I let you in and say the wrong thing, you’ll leave anyway.

It’s not all the time and that’s what makes this harder. Because, there are some days where I have strength and determination. I have days where I’m so easy to get along with and could talk about everything yet a few months ago, I hit self destruct and lost sense of reality and I’ve been struggling to find it ever since. But that means that right now, I’m hard work. It’s hard work to think normally and act normally when my brain is the complete opposite.

I know I have to let people in. I know the wall needs to come down. I know that fear stops me. But I’m trying. Because the people I love deserve better than me being closed. So I’m sorry. I know sorry is just a word and doesn’t change anything, but I want to open up more. Especially to the ones I love, I just have trouble finding the words. I refuse to lose anyone else because of this wall. Brick by brick, it’s going to come down.

I will find a way to let people in. I have to or I’ll lose everyone.

*UPDATE*

So thank you to each and every person that has read just one of my blog pieces, and a massive thank you to my subscribers. You guys are amazing! Each and every person that has visited my blog has helped me smash my first target of 1000 views and I truly appreciate your support. I can’t believe that things I’ve written have been read all over the world. It’s read by people I love and adore, as well as people I don’t know personally. It’s read in my hometown and it’s read on the other side of the world. That’s unbelievable. So thank you! I have so many plans for my blog which I will give you guys a proper update soon, I’m just taking some personal time. I’m going to blog sporadically for a while, just whilst I focus on myself and my baby girl. But your support is appreciated and I am truly thankful. Until next time, Ferrari.❤️

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Health❤️

#TimeToTalk

If you’re on Twitter, you’ll have seen this hashtag flying about. It’s about mental health and how we need to end the discrimination and stigma surrounding it.

I’m quite fortunate because I have a means of expressing myself through this blog and that’s my way of coping right now. But many people aren’t that lucky. They suffer in silence because they are scared to talk about their problems. That isn’t fair. But there are always options.

Now, I went to the doctor in order to get referred but you can do a self referral to mind and they are great. But there are people that you can talk to. And you shouldn’t feel ashamed. Plenty of people have an issue with their mental health but that doesn’t make you any less of a person.

Since I went to see my local GP, I got put in touch with the Access and Assessment Unit at my local hospital and have seen them twice with my third coming up in a few weeks. We talk about all sorts of things, and she just listens. Although she has a pretty good idea what’s wrong, and I’ve got one of my definite diagnoses, but I’ve still got a long way to go. She sat on the phone and just listened to me rant for half an hour because she knew I had a bad weekend. Just having someone to listen, helps.

She’s spoke to the psychiatrist who is willing to see me to start the weekly therapy process and I’ve been in touch with a dietician. That’s three different professionals who are helping me overcome my many issues. That’s three people that listen and help. They aren’t tearing me down every chance they get.

However, I know there are people that are going to read this and want to speak out and I will listen. If you need an ear, well I have two. If you need a distraction, well, I can try my hardest to make you laugh. You honestly don’t have to go through this alone. Mental health is normal. So many people have and will be effected in one way or another. Speak to people who want to listen. The ones who won’t tell you how you should be thankful because people have it worse. They won’t belittle you and make you feel like you don’t matter.

It’s okay not to be okay. You don’t have to have it together 24/7 and nobody should expect you to. But there are brighter days just beyond the horizon and you’re not alone.

I’m not afraid to speak out. #TimeToChange

Thank you for reading. Ferrari. 💝

Categories
Health❤️

Emotionally Sensitive…

I am emotionally sensitive. In everything I say and do, I am more sensitive than others. It’s not something I developed or brought on myself. It is the way my brain works and has always worked. I can’t switch it on and off and I can’t drown it out. It is who I am and it’s who I am always going to be. There are so many bad sides to it but there are also many good.

Today, I had yet another assessment at the mental health unit of my local hospital. One that was more in-depth, and it was easier to open up in. Now, remember I said I’m emotionally sensitive? Well, every time I talk about things and situations that make me uncomfortable, things that I bottled up for a perfectly valid reasons and things that scare me so much I don’t sleep at night, are emotionally exhausting. I come home and just want to sleep because I can’t physically cope with bringing up things I buried. It’s so emotionally draining, to talk about things that I’ve carried around with me for years, things that I could have done better and situations I could have handled differently. I bury things because it’s easier than dealing with the tidal wave of emotions that come with it that stick around for days. Unlike a normal person, their hiccups would be like a single note on a soundwave chart where as mine are like echoes, huge to begin with and take a while to fade out.

Every day people ask me how I am, most of the time I say I’m fine, which is a lie. I’m not fine and right now I’m far from it. I have so much going on that I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning with no water, no ability to call for help, no air. Just this giant void. Just this giant void of emotions that I can’t physically control. I have anxiety sucking the life out of me and depression keeping it dark so I can’t see what’s slowly destroying me. I look in the mirror and I don’t know who is looking back at me. I don’t recognise myself. I see pain and sorrow, I see heartache and despair. I can’t be the person expected of me because I lost who I was a long time ago and it’s only now that I’m starting to put myself back.

She sat opposite me and told me that my mental health was complex, that there was more that one thing preventing me from being well again. I mean I have always known I’m not like other people, I just didn’t realise how different I am. She told me how although I have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I have other things such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Grief, and Post-Natal Depression that mean she doesn’t want to say for definite. But she is sure that I have Severe Anxiety and Post-Natal Depression. She is sure that I’m emotionally sensitive which that paired with many invalidating environments means that I’m at a biological disadvantage for BPD.

So yes, I’m emotionally sensitive. I always have been. I wouldn’t change it. Even though I may “overreact” to things, have a more intense reaction to situations and it may take me longer to get back to a neutral level, it’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I physically can’t. It’s because a normal person can get over situations and be fine, I can’t. She told me how even though I may not be able to control myself “losing it”, I over analyse it afterwards. My brain is always working to find a logical answer. When the truth is, there isn’t always one.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, I let people get close to me and I keep them around out of fear. That same fear that can drive people away. I love more intensely because I’m emotionally sensitive. I am way too connected to how I feel and usually I let it control me. I have people do me wrong and I look for logical answers as to why they acted that way. I can pinpoint every single problem I have in my brain and most of them could be solved so easily by shutting everyone out. Because I carry everyone’s baggage as well as my own. I look for the best even when I’m surrounded by the worst. I will look for the good in people long before I listen to the bad. Sometimes, it takes years.

But do you know why I’m glad I’m emotionally sensitive? Because it means that I can feel so much more, despite it only ever being black and white, the good is far greater than the weight of the bad. That’s why I’m still fighting. Because, I get to experience the very best on a good day; the very best of everyone around me being in a good place, the best of everyone’s emotions around me and knowing that they are in a better place. There are days where I spend it picking up everyone else and listening to their problems. Sure, that means worrying for them and caring for them, but it also means that they have a place in my ever-growing heart. It means that I don’t stop loving people even when I should because I love them for what they did. It means that when I fall in love, I get hurt but I get the very best. It makes me more creative and I love that part of my personality.

It’s hard for me to just say how I feel straight off the bat because I know so many people would take what I say personally and like an attack and it’s not like that. It’s not that I mean it that way, its just my brain doesn’t sensor what I have to say and how I should say it. Half the time I know what I want to say but I don’t want to offend people because every time I hurt someone’s feelings, I punish myself. Every argument, every disagreement, every simple case of overreacting in your eyes and I will punish myself for not being able to have control like everyone else and it’s not my fault. I didn’t ask to be sensitive and its more draining for me than it could ever be for you.

I love to talk about anything and everything if its not myself. I would much rather discuss different types of Ash with Sherlock than talk about myself. But I can write. And I’ve always written. So, my writing will help me through this.

I got some help today on how those can around me can help when I’ve been triggered, and I figured I could share it with you. Because there’s a few people that I care about deeply who don’t understand and maybe this could help. It was given to me as part of an information pack for Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD)/ BPD.

  • Listen and try to understand us. Part of the reason we lash out is because we feel misunderstood and ignored.
  • Find out their triggers because there are certain situations or conversations that will set off a spiral of emotions and thoughts, support them as much as you can. The hardest part is reality hitting us afterwards. It’s hard to understand why we reacted in a certain way but that is where communication is for important.
  • Be patient and avoid arguments and difficult situations because we see in black and white and the black is far darker than you could imagine.
  • Try not to judge us. Even when you don’t understand why we feel or behave the way we do, its so much harder to control than you think.
  • Stay calm and consistent.
  • Help keep them safe.

The next steps for me are; to see a psychotherapist, to see a grief counsellor, to see a dietician and to attend therapy for the indefinite future. It’s gonna take a while to get them all but at least there’s some hope. I have to see a specialist to talk about rape and how I was sexually abused at 13 and how that’s shaped a lot of what I don’t do today. I must talk about situations like my earliest childhood memory and my biggest fears. If you knew either, you’d know they paint people in some bad lights but things that I still carry with me to this day. I have to talk about how I feel everything, and the only escape comes from the words written on my pages.

I may not be okay right now, but I will be. I may have days where I am at the bottom of the ocean, lost and forgotten but I also have days where nothing could touch me because I’m no longer on the planet. You can get far higher with no limitation than you can going south and burning in the earths core. But you need to seek help. I mean yes, I am down but I know that one day, after intensive therapy I will be able to cope. And I promise, I will keep you all up to date on my journey.