Monthly Update!

The end of a decade…

A lot can happen in a year. This time last year, I was coming up to a very dark patch. I started cutting again and even went to the train station ready to end my life. I was prepared to leave my daughter without a mother, and yes, I am aware of how much of a prick that makes me. I was underweight, and having trouble eating. I was living in a toxic environment and couldn’t see any way out. I was afraid of opening up to my boyfriend, because I knew he resented me and because of it, he didn’t care the way he should have. I started this year with 5 cuts on wrist, thankfully only three of them were deep enough to scar. I started this year closer to people that I had met a few months earlier, compared to my family and partner. I didn’t quite understand just how low I was going to get or how I was going to get out of it.

This year taught me a lot!

I learnt that not everyone in your life is meant to be around, or even deserves a place in your life. I learnt that some of my best friends, are people that I speak to once a week, however its always like no time has passed. I learnt that I deserved better than what some people could give and that’s not their fault. I learnt that time and circumstances can change a lot of things, including feelings. I learnt that music will always save me if I let it. I learnt more about being a mother and the kind of mother I want to be. I learnt that just because you’re related to people, doesn’t mean they have an automatic right to be in your life, if they are toxic or offer nothing better than negativity, then they shouldn’t be around.

However, I am thankful for this year because it has been one of my hardest. It pushed and pulled me more than any year before. It tested me more than I thought possible, but it also brought more happiness and love than I thought existed. I realised more about who I am as a person and more about the things that I went through. I left a relationship that despite all the positive parts, wasn’t working and since then we have both come a long way. I found that I deserve more happiness than I give myself credit for, I also know I need to stop living in the past and beating myself up for past mistakes because I have come a long way from the person I was at the start.

I got back in contact with some people that continue to change my life each and every day. I found my way to someone who was my best friend during my school years, and even though neither of us are those girls anymore, our friendship has grown and transformed into something far greater. She is someone that I will always be able to count on, and I know there are days where she feels like she can’t handle what life throws at her, I am there to remind her how far she has come. She is smashing goals and reaching dreams and I am so thankful to have even a tiny part in her life.

I have also learned that I live in my own head most of the time. I tend to believe what my head is telling me, even if logic is telling me that it’s not true. I will shut people out if I think they are getting too close because its easier to blame myself. I already think so little of myself that it’s not hard to believe what I know to be lies by others. Most of the time I am aware but there are times that I don’t know what to believe, and the negatives always seem more likely. I learned that I need to work on my emotions, and I am hoping that I will be able to do that via therapy… IF the person I’m supposed to be talking to doesn’t mumble like a dick. I learnt that I am the first to shut down and turn myself off in an argument. I will act like I don’t care even if I do. Its easier when people leave that way.

I realised that I am probably the reason many people leave. I am very closed off. If I get the slightest impression that you’re getting ready to leave my life, I will push you out so that I can always blame myself. I turn people aware even if I know they are trying to help me. I can’t help it. I am so scared of being alone that I make sure I spend most of my time that way. At least then no one can get close enough to hurt me again. I learnt that I have a wall. Its supposed to keep me safe, to keep out people that only have negative intentions, however, I end up shutting everyone out because I have lost touch with what is true and what isn’t.

I learnt that I believe I am a failure nine out of ten days and because of it, want to quit more times than I do. I look at where I wanted to be and how many things just went downhill and how I still punish myself for not being able to do what I should. I realised that just because this isn’t where I saw myself ten years ago, its still a step up! I spend most of my days with the cutest little lady that I could have created, I must know all about the silly things like Paw Patrol and Trolls. I have to recite the names as she picks up her figurines repeatedly. I put up with films like Frozen, Trolls and Moana on repeat for weeks at a time and I wouldn’t change it because her smile is worth it. I may not have a striving law career, but I have a little lady who depends on me and that tops it!

I have grown in a huge way. I started to be the mother I should have been all along. I haven’t quite stopped punishing myself for the post-natal depression, but I am making sure that is not the person I continue to be. I have tried to let people in, even if I do have a fear of it. I have started to build a life that I want to be proud of, however I still have a long way to go. I know what I want to do with my life, and hopefully once my mind and I aren’t at war, I can start reaching my goals. Just because I’m not there right now, doesn’t mean I won’t get there. I get to end this year with celebrating my beautiful daughters’ birthday and then celebrating Christmas with her face for the first year in our flat. And I can’t wait.

As the door on 2019 closes, I am looking forward to the new decade. I am going to be stronger and happier because that’s what my daughter deserves. I will be taking on new challenges and hopefully finishing my novel that just sits in my creative writing folder that I haven’t touched in months. I will be spending more time with the people I call my best friends and creating memories with our children in places that we spent time in our youth. I will be making memories with my daughter and showing her that happiness comes from inside. People can only affect you if you let them. I will be leaving behind the saddest parts of the decade and looking to my future. It has the power to be whatever I want to make it. I will learn to love myself the way I should. I will learn to appreciate everything that makes me unique and those that make me a force to reckoned with.

I want to thank every single person that has been reading my blog for the duration of this year. It’s been up, its been down but most of all, its been real. Its one of the only ways I can release my emotions in a way that doesn’t have any restrictions. Thank you for giving me a space to do that and for giving me the support that you have. My blog has brought me many new faces that have changed my way of thinking and helped me not give up on it when I wanted too. As always, you can check out my Facebook page, Instagram and Twitter to keep up dated on all things blog related. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re having a positive time and don’t forget to keep smiling. Ferrari ❤


Emotionally Sensitive…

I am emotionally sensitive. In everything I say and do, I am more sensitive than others. It’s not something I developed or brought on myself. It is the way my brain works and has always worked. I can’t switch it on and off and I can’t drown it out. It is who I am and it’s who I am always going to be. There are so many bad sides to it but there are also many good.

Today, I had yet another assessment at the mental health unit of my local hospital. One that was more in-depth, and it was easier to open up in. Now, remember I said I’m emotionally sensitive? Well, every time I talk about things and situations that make me uncomfortable, things that I bottled up for a perfectly valid reasons and things that scare me so much I don’t sleep at night, are emotionally exhausting. I come home and just want to sleep because I can’t physically cope with bringing up things I buried. It’s so emotionally draining, to talk about things that I’ve carried around with me for years, things that I could have done better and situations I could have handled differently. I bury things because it’s easier than dealing with the tidal wave of emotions that come with it that stick around for days. Unlike a normal person, their hiccups would be like a single note on a soundwave chart where as mine are like echoes, huge to begin with and take a while to fade out.

Every day people ask me how I am, most of the time I say I’m fine, which is a lie. I’m not fine and right now I’m far from it. I have so much going on that I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning with no water, no ability to call for help, no air. Just this giant void. Just this giant void of emotions that I can’t physically control. I have anxiety sucking the life out of me and depression keeping it dark so I can’t see what’s slowly destroying me. I look in the mirror and I don’t know who is looking back at me. I don’t recognise myself. I see pain and sorrow, I see heartache and despair. I can’t be the person expected of me because I lost who I was a long time ago and it’s only now that I’m starting to put myself back.

She sat opposite me and told me that my mental health was complex, that there was more that one thing preventing me from being well again. I mean I have always known I’m not like other people, I just didn’t realise how different I am. She told me how although I have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I have other things such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Grief, and Post-Natal Depression that mean she doesn’t want to say for definite. But she is sure that I have Severe Anxiety and Post-Natal Depression. She is sure that I’m emotionally sensitive which that paired with many invalidating environments means that I’m at a biological disadvantage for BPD.

So yes, I’m emotionally sensitive. I always have been. I wouldn’t change it. Even though I may “overreact” to things, have a more intense reaction to situations and it may take me longer to get back to a neutral level, it’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I physically can’t. It’s because a normal person can get over situations and be fine, I can’t. She told me how even though I may not be able to control myself “losing it”, I over analyse it afterwards. My brain is always working to find a logical answer. When the truth is, there isn’t always one.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, I let people get close to me and I keep them around out of fear. That same fear that can drive people away. I love more intensely because I’m emotionally sensitive. I am way too connected to how I feel and usually I let it control me. I have people do me wrong and I look for logical answers as to why they acted that way. I can pinpoint every single problem I have in my brain and most of them could be solved so easily by shutting everyone out. Because I carry everyone’s baggage as well as my own. I look for the best even when I’m surrounded by the worst. I will look for the good in people long before I listen to the bad. Sometimes, it takes years.

But do you know why I’m glad I’m emotionally sensitive? Because it means that I can feel so much more, despite it only ever being black and white, the good is far greater than the weight of the bad. That’s why I’m still fighting. Because, I get to experience the very best on a good day; the very best of everyone around me being in a good place, the best of everyone’s emotions around me and knowing that they are in a better place. There are days where I spend it picking up everyone else and listening to their problems. Sure, that means worrying for them and caring for them, but it also means that they have a place in my ever-growing heart. It means that I don’t stop loving people even when I should because I love them for what they did. It means that when I fall in love, I get hurt but I get the very best. It makes me more creative and I love that part of my personality.

It’s hard for me to just say how I feel straight off the bat because I know so many people would take what I say personally and like an attack and it’s not like that. It’s not that I mean it that way, its just my brain doesn’t sensor what I have to say and how I should say it. Half the time I know what I want to say but I don’t want to offend people because every time I hurt someone’s feelings, I punish myself. Every argument, every disagreement, every simple case of overreacting in your eyes and I will punish myself for not being able to have control like everyone else and it’s not my fault. I didn’t ask to be sensitive and its more draining for me than it could ever be for you.

I love to talk about anything and everything if its not myself. I would much rather discuss different types of Ash with Sherlock than talk about myself. But I can write. And I’ve always written. So, my writing will help me through this.

I got some help today on how those can around me can help when I’ve been triggered, and I figured I could share it with you. Because there’s a few people that I care about deeply who don’t understand and maybe this could help. It was given to me as part of an information pack for Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD)/ BPD.

  • Listen and try to understand us. Part of the reason we lash out is because we feel misunderstood and ignored.
  • Find out their triggers because there are certain situations or conversations that will set off a spiral of emotions and thoughts, support them as much as you can. The hardest part is reality hitting us afterwards. It’s hard to understand why we reacted in a certain way but that is where communication is for important.
  • Be patient and avoid arguments and difficult situations because we see in black and white and the black is far darker than you could imagine.
  • Try not to judge us. Even when you don’t understand why we feel or behave the way we do, its so much harder to control than you think.
  • Stay calm and consistent.
  • Help keep them safe.

The next steps for me are; to see a psychotherapist, to see a grief counsellor, to see a dietician and to attend therapy for the indefinite future. It’s gonna take a while to get them all but at least there’s some hope. I have to see a specialist to talk about rape and how I was sexually abused at 13 and how that’s shaped a lot of what I don’t do today. I must talk about situations like my earliest childhood memory and my biggest fears. If you knew either, you’d know they paint people in some bad lights but things that I still carry with me to this day. I have to talk about how I feel everything, and the only escape comes from the words written on my pages.

I may not be okay right now, but I will be. I may have days where I am at the bottom of the ocean, lost and forgotten but I also have days where nothing could touch me because I’m no longer on the planet. You can get far higher with no limitation than you can going south and burning in the earths core. But you need to seek help. I mean yes, I am down but I know that one day, after intensive therapy I will be able to cope. And I promise, I will keep you all up to date on my journey.