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Other!

Quarantine; bored yet?

Is it me or does it feel like we’ve been stuck in quarantine for what seems like an eternity? I mean I completely understand why the limits are in place, but that doesn’t exactly mean that this is the most interesting my life has ever been. Its been a week and a half and I already feel like I am going to do something crazy.

There are only so many times you can clean the same four walls before you start making dirt just to clean it up afterwards. I should be embracing being stuck indoors 24/7 but the truth is, I’m just not. The simple things that would be a comfort right now are out the window. I get bored way too easily and feel like I have done everything possible. I really haven’t, I have plenty of books left to read for starters. However, it just feels like there is no end in sight.

I have been thinking about trying out a new skill. I mean I can already cook, but I was thinking about enhancing my baking skill… It’s been a while since I last baked anything, so it will probably turn out to be a disaster, but that’s the whole point about trying to improve on a new skill, right? You won’t get better if you don’t try. So, if I do, I will keep you updated on how badly it goes. I say badly because I don’t believe it’s going to go very well at all!

I have spent a lot of time looking out my balcony window and found that there are way too many people not sticking to the quarantine. On Thursday, there were about 20 people standing around the bus station, waiting to get on a bus and not one of them were 2ft away from the nearest person. They were all huddled in a bunch. I mean WHY would you use a bus. That’s like the quickest way to spread germs because you cannot stick to the 2ft away from people. But hey, what do I know? I’m not medically trained.

The only good thing I’ve found about being stuck in quarantine, is there is a lot more time to work on my blog and publishing posts. I mean it would help if my inspiration responded to the amount of free time I now seem to have. But apparently that isn’t the case. I can’t really see my family or my friends, Luna has more of a social life than I do, considering as she’s spending time here and with her dad still. But me, I’m stuck looking at buildings or buses, or watching tv. I am getting that sick and tired of quarantine, that I got jealous of my sims being able to free roam their world with no worry about getting seriously ill and dying. How sad!

What has everyone else been doing since we’re stuck in quarantine? Is anyone else finding it difficult and totally boring? Have you learned any new skills? Let me know by getting in touch on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. I hope whatever you are doing, you’re keeping safe and healthy during these uncertain times. Take care of yourselves and make sure that you check in on people that are probably feeling lonely right now. And no matter what you do, don’t lose your smile.

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Mumma Life!

Mumma Update

It seems to crazy to be writing a Mumma update when my child isn’t even with me right now. But considering it’s been a few months, I thought I should give you an update and explain where we are currently at with my amazingly smart two-year-old.

Everyone is currently in quarantine, however, one of the things that you can leave the house for, is to transport a child between separated parents. So instead of him seeing her everyday like we used to, we have changed it to one week with each of us. The second any of us start to show symptoms, she stays where she is, however, for the last week she hasn’t been with me and can I add that it’s the hardest!

I love my daughter dearly, and even though there are times where I want to pull my hair out and cry until I’ve created a river, she is by far the best part of my life. So, for the last week, I have been facetiming her like four times a day, sometimes she really wants to talk to me and others she couldn’t care less… she’s two! She doesn’t really understand what’s going on but none the less, I ring her and attempt to have a conversation with her.

In the last few months, she has come on leaps and bounds. I am so honestly proud of the little lady she is turning into. Don’t get me wrong, she is living up to the terrible twos, but in between the crazy moments, there are the good times!

She knows how to count from one to ten, well… she knows the numbers. Sometimes she will correctly count to ten, other times she will just say “one, two, ten” and then get excited because she has counted one to ten in the short way. Every time she does, she celebrates by getting super excited and screaming ten at the top of her lungs. She’s starting to learn colours. She currently can identify red every time, but she also knows yellow and pink. She can sometimes correctly identify blue but not as much as the others. We also have learnt manners! She can use please and thank you in the correct places!

Unfortunately, she has also learned that my name is Ferrari. Although hearing her say my real name is by far the cutest thing in the world, I must remember that I am her mother first and foremost. That means that when she says it, I have to correct her, but there are times where I forget who I’m talking to her and answer her… That is the wrong move to make because this encourages her.

I always thought the terrible twos was a myth, but my goodness! If that little lady hears the word no when she’s in one of her moods, she throws herself to the floor and starts “crying”. I mean it probably makes me a bad mum, but I can’t help but laugh at her. She’s a right little personality, that even her temper tantrums are entertaining. Which means discipling her is difficult. I swear, the other day, she had so many time outs, she just decided to spend her time in her room because she couldn’t get told off. Thankfully it must have worked, because the next day she was as good as gold.

Being a mum is hard work. Being a single mum, is even harder. There are days where I honestly can’t help but think that I am the worst mum in the world, especially on days where her tantrums are at their worst, or on the nights where I barely sleep because she’s awake every hour. But the truth is, those days mean nothing when I get to see her precious little smile. To see the way her face lights up when we play hide and seek or even when she’s listening to her music.

Let me know some of your worst experiences with a child and their terrible twos, you can reach me at Twitter, Facebook or even Instagram! I’d love to hear your stories. I hope that wherever you are in the world, that you are keeping safe and healthy. I hope that you’re all looking after each other by staying inside and social distancing yourself from others. Most of all, I hope that none of you have lost your smile.

Categories
Monthly Update!

And I’m back!

The last time I wrote on my blog, was back in January and my goodness how so much has changed! It feels so strange to be writing this because for the longest time so far, I honestly thought I was going to give up with my blog. I had preparations to cancel my subscription and everything. However, as you can see, that isn’t the case.

Back in January, I had planned out every day of the month, with having posts scheduled so I wasn’t rushing to complete them after Luna was in bed, so I’m going to try my hardest to actually complete a month at least.

So what’s new? I mean everyone is pretty much stuck in quarantine, which can I just add is boring as it could possibly be. But it’s all for the best. If this is the way to limit exsposure then I am all for it, even if I do feel like I’m going to go crazy! Luna spends a week with me and then I have to let her go to her dads for a week as we are all trapped in houses. The good thing being that she still gets to spend time with her father as that was one of my biggest concerns.

Coming this month, I have a fair few posts lined up! I am trying to aim for a post a day, but every other time I have set a plan, I haven’t stuck to it, but this time I really am going to try. I’ve got lists like top ten Disney Films, ten songs I can’t live without and ten quotes I always try to live by. I’ve got a weekly update on being a first time mum as well as finding the words to express my mental health during these uncertain times. Also my open letter this month is to the world during this pandemic.

If all that sounds interesting, make sure to check out my blog every day for a new post. I aim to get them posted at 8PM British time, but if I haven’t pulled my finger out and got them scheduled, it would all depend on getting little lady to sleep and finishing off the posts. You can keep updated via Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Make sure you are all staying well and healthy, and more than ever, keep your smile!

Categories
Monthly Update!

The end of a decade…

A lot can happen in a year. This time last year, I was coming up to a very dark patch. I started cutting again and even went to the train station ready to end my life. I was prepared to leave my daughter without a mother, and yes, I am aware of how much of a prick that makes me. I was underweight, and having trouble eating. I was living in a toxic environment and couldn’t see any way out. I was afraid of opening up to my boyfriend, because I knew he resented me and because of it, he didn’t care the way he should have. I started this year with 5 cuts on wrist, thankfully only three of them were deep enough to scar. I started this year closer to people that I had met a few months earlier, compared to my family and partner. I didn’t quite understand just how low I was going to get or how I was going to get out of it.

This year taught me a lot!

I learnt that not everyone in your life is meant to be around, or even deserves a place in your life. I learnt that some of my best friends, are people that I speak to once a week, however its always like no time has passed. I learnt that I deserved better than what some people could give and that’s not their fault. I learnt that time and circumstances can change a lot of things, including feelings. I learnt that music will always save me if I let it. I learnt more about being a mother and the kind of mother I want to be. I learnt that just because you’re related to people, doesn’t mean they have an automatic right to be in your life, if they are toxic or offer nothing better than negativity, then they shouldn’t be around.

However, I am thankful for this year because it has been one of my hardest. It pushed and pulled me more than any year before. It tested me more than I thought possible, but it also brought more happiness and love than I thought existed. I realised more about who I am as a person and more about the things that I went through. I left a relationship that despite all the positive parts, wasn’t working and since then we have both come a long way. I found that I deserve more happiness than I give myself credit for, I also know I need to stop living in the past and beating myself up for past mistakes because I have come a long way from the person I was at the start.

I got back in contact with some people that continue to change my life each and every day. I found my way to someone who was my best friend during my school years, and even though neither of us are those girls anymore, our friendship has grown and transformed into something far greater. She is someone that I will always be able to count on, and I know there are days where she feels like she can’t handle what life throws at her, I am there to remind her how far she has come. She is smashing goals and reaching dreams and I am so thankful to have even a tiny part in her life.

I have also learned that I live in my own head most of the time. I tend to believe what my head is telling me, even if logic is telling me that it’s not true. I will shut people out if I think they are getting too close because its easier to blame myself. I already think so little of myself that it’s not hard to believe what I know to be lies by others. Most of the time I am aware but there are times that I don’t know what to believe, and the negatives always seem more likely. I learned that I need to work on my emotions, and I am hoping that I will be able to do that via therapy… IF the person I’m supposed to be talking to doesn’t mumble like a dick. I learnt that I am the first to shut down and turn myself off in an argument. I will act like I don’t care even if I do. Its easier when people leave that way.

I realised that I am probably the reason many people leave. I am very closed off. If I get the slightest impression that you’re getting ready to leave my life, I will push you out so that I can always blame myself. I turn people aware even if I know they are trying to help me. I can’t help it. I am so scared of being alone that I make sure I spend most of my time that way. At least then no one can get close enough to hurt me again. I learnt that I have a wall. Its supposed to keep me safe, to keep out people that only have negative intentions, however, I end up shutting everyone out because I have lost touch with what is true and what isn’t.

I learnt that I believe I am a failure nine out of ten days and because of it, want to quit more times than I do. I look at where I wanted to be and how many things just went downhill and how I still punish myself for not being able to do what I should. I realised that just because this isn’t where I saw myself ten years ago, its still a step up! I spend most of my days with the cutest little lady that I could have created, I must know all about the silly things like Paw Patrol and Trolls. I have to recite the names as she picks up her figurines repeatedly. I put up with films like Frozen, Trolls and Moana on repeat for weeks at a time and I wouldn’t change it because her smile is worth it. I may not have a striving law career, but I have a little lady who depends on me and that tops it!

I have grown in a huge way. I started to be the mother I should have been all along. I haven’t quite stopped punishing myself for the post-natal depression, but I am making sure that is not the person I continue to be. I have tried to let people in, even if I do have a fear of it. I have started to build a life that I want to be proud of, however I still have a long way to go. I know what I want to do with my life, and hopefully once my mind and I aren’t at war, I can start reaching my goals. Just because I’m not there right now, doesn’t mean I won’t get there. I get to end this year with celebrating my beautiful daughters’ birthday and then celebrating Christmas with her face for the first year in our flat. And I can’t wait.

As the door on 2019 closes, I am looking forward to the new decade. I am going to be stronger and happier because that’s what my daughter deserves. I will be taking on new challenges and hopefully finishing my novel that just sits in my creative writing folder that I haven’t touched in months. I will be spending more time with the people I call my best friends and creating memories with our children in places that we spent time in our youth. I will be making memories with my daughter and showing her that happiness comes from inside. People can only affect you if you let them. I will be leaving behind the saddest parts of the decade and looking to my future. It has the power to be whatever I want to make it. I will learn to love myself the way I should. I will learn to appreciate everything that makes me unique and those that make me a force to reckoned with.

I want to thank every single person that has been reading my blog for the duration of this year. It’s been up, its been down but most of all, its been real. Its one of the only ways I can release my emotions in a way that doesn’t have any restrictions. Thank you for giving me a space to do that and for giving me the support that you have. My blog has brought me many new faces that have changed my way of thinking and helped me not give up on it when I wanted too. As always, you can check out my Facebook page, Instagram and Twitter to keep up dated on all things blog related. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re having a positive time and don’t forget to keep smiling. Ferrari ❤

Categories
Interviews!

Interview with Dan Olsen!

As part of my original schedule, I had planned to have an interview with an inspiration of mine, at least once a month. However, what with the move, many things had to take a back seat. I am now pleased to announce that I finally managed to sit down with a friend of mine and have a long-awaited conversation. For those of you who don’t know that person is Dan Olsen.

Dan started following me on twitter a fair few years ago and I’ve been following his music career ever since. It’s great to have built a connection with him that means we both get support each other as he has done with this interview. I’ve also been lucky enough to have him sing me Happy Birthday a few times as well. Dan is an international singer-songwriter from the Faroe Islands but now lives and produces his own music in London. Unfortunately, due to personal issues, I haven’t gotten around to seeing him perform live, but it is on my to do list. Dan is one of my inspirations because he has taught me to never to give up on my dreams. He left the safety and security of his home nation, to fly to this country and pursue his music career. If I say so myself, he is doing incredible for himself. He taught me that although times can be tough and giving up is easy, that in order to win, you need to keep trying. Dan has toured in many countries and has a love for going to China, having been there a few times and has had his music used in a film. He has many songs that I absolutely love, and you should totally check them out but my favourite by far is the one just below.

What/who inspired you to be a singer-songwriter? It must have come in steps. Jack Johnson was the first singer-songwriter who led me to start singing on top of the guitar playing I was already doing and the one who stylistically inspired my first songs. And then seeing other young musicians making a career and thinking “I can do that!” (I love Jack Johnson and have listened to his music for years.)

What would be your favourite thing about creating and releasing music? When I write something that I’m happy with and it makes me feel like a kid – that’s the best feeling. After that comes when I feel like I’ve nailed the production on it and done the song justice. And lastly, when my audience make a connection with the song. That’s why I love hearing back from you. 

Do you have a process for writing? I used to always start on the guitar and getting a guitar riff down to then build a singing melody on top and add words. For a while it’s been 50/50 between that and coming up with a singing melody from nothing and then adding the guitar and then words. Now I’m slowly adding the method of starting with lyrics or a concept and working from there.

How old was you when you wrote your first song and what was it about? I must have been about 21, it was called “Lucky You” and it was basically saying “if you feel like you should have started this and that earlier in your life, well you’re in luck  because it’s never too late and you should just start now”.

How do you handle rejection in terms of your music? I used to take it personal sometimes. But you soon realize that you’re never ever going to make everyone happy with one single song. Because everyone’s taste is different. So, from knowing that you start thinking ‘hey, let me just write what I like, and if one or thousands or millions more like it then happy days either way’. The good thing is, I can always write another one. And that I will regardless.

What song did you have the most fun creating the video for? There are three I suppose. Candy Shop and In the Summer were fun because we had great actors in them, and the banter was great. Christmas Time With You was also a lot fun because it almost felt like a holiday at the same because we travelled to the Alps in Switzerland and had so much fun shooting the video.

What inspired you to move to London to pursue your music career? It was a combination of things. I’d always wanted to try living in London. And I felt London or L.A. would have the best scenes for getting lots of gigs and for networking. And London proved to tick both boxes from the get-go.

What advice could you give to someone who wants to build a career in music? Everyone’s different. Realize that first and what I mean by that is in terms of knowing that one thing that works for someone might not work for you. There are so many ways to “the top”. So naturally this advice will mainly be based on my own experiences. – Try things out. Get as much gigging experience as possible. Meet other musicians and collaborate. Try to organize your life in a way where all work effort is put into music so that you can get better and better at your craft whether that be writing, performing, producing etc or all of them. It’s a tough industry so if you want to make a living from it, you’ll have to be smart about it. It might mean you’ll have to lower your standard of living for the first years. It humbles you but it makes it possible and so rewarding when it pays off.

What advice could you give to someone who wanted to move to a different country? My advice would be this: say yes to everything! This could very well be your first and last chance to have these special experiences and not to mention potential new friendships this country has to offer.

Who is your biggest inspiration? Why? Who? Hmm… there really are probably too many to mention. From family to friends to sport people and music people and more. Everyone has something different to offer.

What would you say is your biggest achievement in terms of your music? I would say it’s to trust my instincts in terms of my own song writing but also my musical career choices.

How many instruments can you play and how old were you when you learnt? Probably just guitar. This I started learning when I was around 12. Then I dabble in piano, ukulele, bass guitar, banjo, harmonica etc.

What was your favourite thing about living in Australia? The weather was an amazing improvement. And not to mention the nature and the different animals.

Who would be your dream duet partner? Hmmm… Adele? But I’d look bad next to her!

Your song Heart Into Trouble was in the film, Carnivore, can you tell me what the best part about that process was? It’s always with that kind of recognition for your work. But the favourite part is probably that it led me to the film crew of the film which has then resulted in them creating some of my favourite music videos for me.

I know you can’t give too much away about your upcoming projects, but is there anything you can tell me? I’m putting this EP out!! And so far, Still Be Gone and Lost in the Moment have been released – they’re out everywhere!

Lastly, where are you looking at touring next? More info to come.

https://www.facebook.com/danolsenmusic/

https://www.danolsenmusic.com/

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this interview, thank you to Dan for helping me with my first piece and thank you to everyone who has shown him support. He is a performer which means he wouldn’t be where he is today without the love and support of his fans! I hope you all have a great day and enjoy whatever you’re doing right now. Make sure to check out my social media, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for all the latest information on any blog related stuff. It will also be the place I drop my next name for my next interview. Keep your eyes pealed! And as always, keep smiling :). Ferrari.

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Awards!

The Mystery Blogger Award!

I never thought I’d be writing this post, because as of a few weeks ago, I hadn’t heard of the Mystery Blogger Award, and I didn’t actually find out what it was until I was nominated. So firstly I want to thank Ronald for nominating me. I feel so honoured that you think so highly of my blog, it really does mean a lot. You are a great support, and all my readers should totally go and check out his blog by clicking here!

The Mystery Blogger Award was created by Okoto Enigma, in honour of getting recognition to bloggers that work hard and provide posts that are worth reading but aren’t for many reasons, discovered. It’s for bloggers that inspire and encourage people all around the world. And I think it’s incredible! As a blogger, we spend a lot of our time writing things that we are passionate about, and I know that those I am going to mention are amazing at this as well.

As with any worthy award, there are rules and they are as follows.

  • Put the award logo/image on your blog.
  • List the rules.
  • Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  • You have to nominate 10 – 20 people
  • Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  • Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  • Share a link to your best post(s)

I guess I should probably tell you three things about me so;

– I am actually a big WWE fan, and I love and watch as much as I can. I mean on PPV nights, I watch as much as I can before I fall asleep and I’m generally tweeting about it.  – Luna downloaded some albums onto my phone via Apple Music, because she wanted Rey Mysterio’s entrance… My phone is on shuffle and it decided to play the Bella’s entrance music just as I wrote that and not going to lie, I sat gigglying to myself. –

– I am a massive reader and will always make a point of reading the books and watching the films because I think the writer and directors of both have different views and ideas, and I like to compare them… Yes, I am a nerd.

– I once was on a sailing boat and did things that you see pirates do in movies… It was one of the scariest three days of my life! We were out to sea during a thunderstorm and I was petrified. I can’t swim and I hate thunderstorms. It was also extremely hard work, I came back and was sore for days, but it was amazing and if you can ever have the chance to sail a proper boat, I recommend it.

5 Questions Answered;

1: What are the five things you cannot live without? Why does it have to be things Ronald? Because for one, I cannot live without my daughter! But oooookay. I will do material things. My notepad, because I am forever writing things down. My ipod, it has way too many songs because I only ever add to it. So I have music from my childhood on it and it’s nice to have those memories. My laptop and Phone because I have friends that I don’t get to see and I always love talking to them! And my Finn Balor Leather Jacket! I love my jacket even if it is a guys jacket and bigger than me! It was brought for me by mum for Christmas and as long as it’s not too hot outside, I will be wearing it!

2: According to you, what is a perfect day? I’m a mum so it would always be any day that has my daughters laugh and smile because there is no perfect moment. She has an ear infection so she’s really clingy at the moment and isn’t her happy bubbly self which really sucks.

3: Which celebrity you would love to meet? And why? Okay, so this stumped me. I don’t know if they are considered a celebrity but they are also dead. So, it’s more a person of history than one of a current celebrity. I would want to meet J.M Barrie. He is the author of The Complete Adventures of Peter Pan, and theres more to the story than Wendy. I love the stories and have read the collection. They are some of my most favourite pieces of work and I want to know what inspired him to write it. Before he died, he gave the rights to Peter Pan stories to Great Ormond Street Hospital and personally, that is someone I would like to meet.

4: Who or what inspired you to take up blogging? I don’t think anyone inspired me to start blogging. I think it was more, I had a lot of things going on and I just wanted a place where I could write how I felt and nobody could tell me what I could or couldn’t say because it was my space. I come from a big family and often felt like I was ignored because my brothers needs would and should have always came first.

5: Describe an incident involving you that you’re not proud of. Any incident involving my partners mother. She’s not the easiest of people to talk to and it’s even harder considering she doesn’t give a shit about her only granddaughter, she can only ever seem to think of herself. However, I always seem to let her get under my skin and end up saying things out of anger because of how my brain reacts. BPD is really tricky to try and keep level headed when emotion is involved. But I am slowly getting better. I mean I’m talking about it more rather than losing my shit straight away.

I’m supposed to pick my best posts, but I can’t because everyone will always have a different opinion to me, so I thought I’d list the ones that meant the most to write. As I only shared a really emotional post last night, I wont include that one. But here are some of my others.

I wanted to pick some of the great bloggers that offer me such support and love every time! They help me during writers block and provide great content. I am so proud of all their hard work and this is my way of encouraging them not to give up.

  • Amy Jane; she provides a travel/food blog which at times gives me serious envy. But I am so fortunate enough to live vicariously through her! Check out her blog;
  • Lozza; she is an incredible person and I am so fortunate to follow her and receive her support. Honestly, check out her blog! Its amazing.
  • ThoughtsWithN; Her lifestyle blog is really creative and covers wellbeing as well as parenting. Go check out her blog!
  • Edley; He is a great guy who is blogging about his personal battle with M.S as well as sharing other peoples stories and giving them a platform to speak. Check out his blog, here.
  • BeardedIgor; Again, another great guy whos blog is very interesting to read. He talks about his journey to happiness despite mental health complications. Check him out, here!
  • My Simple Mind; She has an awesome mental health blog and in general is a great loving person. Go and check out her blog.
  • Shannon; She blogs about her life and not only that, but there’s poetry! She’s an amazing person and well worth a check!
  • Breanna; She’s only posted one post, because she got a full time job and is still trying to work out a schedule but here’s for when she comes back.
  • AstralOutfitter; if you’re a foodie, this blog is for you! There are a few recipies that sound tasty and a must read for any experimentalists out there. Check out their blog, here.
  • LucyMayyyReads; if you’re a big reader… this is the blog for you! From classics you haven’t read, to ones you can’t put down. Check her out now!
5 Questions Asked
  • What is your favourite song of all time?
  • What makes you smile most when you’re upset?
  • Have you ever played a prank on someone? If so, I want details.
  • Where do you see yourself in five years?
  • Dr Pepper or Coca-Cola?

Thank you again Ron, for nominating me, it means a lot! And to all my readers, thank you for taking the time to read through a post that is very much about showing support to multiple bloggers that aren’t as mainstream as they should be. I hope you all have a good day, and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

Categories
Open Letters!

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!