Categories
Mental health

Why does everyone say, it will get easier?

You know that moment when your whole world comes crashing down and the person you’re in love with decides the relationship is never going to be worth it? That moment that shatters your heart into a million tiny pieces and nothing seems right. That moment that you just drop to the floor and ball your eyes out. Why is it, that when this happens, all those closest to you, feel the need to say, “don’t worry, it will get easier”…

Don’t you think that I know it will get easier and hearts get broken all the time, but in this moment, that doesn’t help. It doesn’t stop the tears from falling or your heart from aching. It doesn’t stop the memories that pop into your head and stay there until they have broken you down to tears. It doesn’t stop the sheer agony of knowing that all they will ever be is memories with no real chance of a future. It doesn’t magically get better over night. It takes days, weeks even months to truly get over a heartbreak and yes, some days will get easier, but right now, that is the last thing they need to hear.

Losing someone you’re in love with, is one of the hardest and most damaging things that can happen. It takes down every wall that you built to stop yourself getting broken and destroys all hope you had inside of things get better. You can’t just turn off how you feel and stop the pain. You can’t just switch of your tear ducts and stop crying. You can’t just smile and pretend because one of the reasons you had to smile is gone.

I think it’s harder when they decide that they’ve had enough. When they decide they never want to think about or speak to you again. It’s hard to just stop all the memories of times shared at the click of your fingers. But it’s even harder when you lived together. When everywhere you turn, there is some reminder of a presence that no longer is going to be around. But the hardest part about losing the person you’re in love with, is the moment they say they regretted ever being with you. Because that means they regretted every moment spent together and sometimes that’s a lot.

It’s hard to look around and not think about you. It’s hard to not go to message you even though I know everything’s blocked. It’s harder knowing that you’ll never be there again. That I’ll never get to hold you or kiss you because even though you’re out there somewhere, I’m no longer active in your life. It hurts knowing that whenever you think about me, feels you with pain and anger. Knowing that just the mention of my name, is enough to make you want to scream. I’m sorry for that.

There’s a part of me that wants to say I’m sorry and I regret us. Just because i know it’s what you want to hear. But that doesn’t mean I feel it. I feel anger at everyone for telling me to just move on and forget about it. But how do you forget about someone who meant everything to you? I’m not sorry we got together and I’ll never apologise for being with you. Because you have my heart. If you didn’t, this would be so much easier to deal with. If I wasn’t in love with you, I wouldn’t so much as shed a tear. But I am. And that’s not going to disappear in the blink of my tear filled eyes.

I’ve tried to convince myself that it’s over but my heart doesn’t want to admit what my brain already knows. My heart won’t stop beating for you and I just wish it would. Because this hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt before. One day I will get over you, I haven’t exactly got much of a choice. But right now, I’m not. I’m hurting. And I’m sorry.

I want to look to the future, but this future is one that doesn’t consist of you. You were my best friend, I could tell you anything and know that you wouldn’t judge me out loud. You know me better than I’ve ever known myself and I felt safer with you than anyone else. I thought I knew that no matter what, we’d have gotten through everything. I just didn’t realise that was the biggest lie I told myself. So I’m being honest, that no matter how much I want to hate you, I can’t. No matter how much I wish I didn’t, I am in love with you, so until those feelings go and you’re not captivating every waking thought, I’m going to focus on myself and Luna.

Thank you for helping me become a better mother and person. Thank you for everything you did for me and every time you picked up the pieces. Thank you for being the guy I loved and the guy who had my heart. Even though I’m gone from your life, I wish you nothing but love and happiness. It’s about time you found your forever. I just wish, it was me.

Categories
Mental health

Letting my inner saboteur win…

Living with BPD is tough, but not understanding it or your own brain is even harder. This month is all about Borderline Personality Disorder, and it’s one that I’ve been living with for some time. Or so the doctors tell me. I wish more than anything I could fix myself by waving a wand or writing a post, unfortunately it’s not that easy.

Imagine having a million and one thoughts going through your head. Some of them right and with meaning and context, others not. Imagine not knowing which are true and which are just a concoction that your brain has made up out of thin air. Imagine that all of these thoughts were competing to occupy your sole thought process. Not all of them can fit in there and the ones that make it through sometimes aren’t the right ones.

Every day is a constant battle. A battle between good and evil, a battle between black and white, because to those that suffer with this illness, there is no in between. You don’t have okay days. You have either really good or really bad ones and simple things can change the whole day. It could be a really bad day until something small happens and changes it completely or a really good day and something tiny can flip it on its arse. Then magnify that a thousand times. Because living with BPD is intense. Our good and our bad days are intense. The good days are magical and overwhelming. The bad are unbearable and soul destroying.

A simple thought can turn into a train wreck of emotions. I mean for example there are so many thoughts going through my head right now that I can’t make sense of. I can’t find ways to fix this. I am sitting here in a pitch black room wondering why I let my brain do the things I have done? How could I lose so much control when everyone else can seem like they have it together?

Tonight, before writing this, I relapsed. I hadn’t cut myself in months and yet here I am with fresh scratches over my wrist. Should I be proud that I went for the blunter object as opposed to the sharper one sat right next to it? No. Because I still took to causing myself pain, like my brain hasn’t caused me enough already. I sat in tears with no one around and I hurt myself because I couldn’t cope with the way my brain was going. I couldn’t shut it down and turn it off. I couldn’t change the station. I was just stuck with the voices inside my head.

I wish I could explain how and why I do the things that I do. I mean some of them are symptoms of BPD but does that excuse my behaviour? No. And it shouldn’t. Because I am more than a mental illness. Can I stop doing these things? Probably, but I don’t know how. All day, I’ve been stuck inside my head. I’ve been sat thinking about everything and anything.

Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

as found on https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

They are the nine symptoms of BPD and I’m going to look at every one of them because within the last few months, I am displaying them more and more. Maybe that will help explain things a little better.

Fear of abandonment – I am so scared of being alone and left alone that I push everyone away from me. It doesn’t matter how much I love and care for them. I will always push them away before they get too close. I try to keep them close and yet I can’t because the fear that they are going to leave makes sure I get there first. I feel like I’m too much.

Unstable relationships – I have had relationships where I am honestly and completely infatuated with this person. However my brain will always manage to find a way to change that. Sometimes it works, and when it does, it breaks me to the point I give in and give up. I can’t stop how I feel or how much it hurts. I can’t look at the positives when my brain is so consumed with the negatives and it always wins, even when I don’t want it too.

Unclear or shifting self-image – Some days, I can see the confident, strong girl I once was, and others, I’m a shell of that person. Some days I can believe I’m a good person, others I feel like I’m the worst person and don’t deserve the love that I get. Most of the time, I don’t know who I am, but I know that one day, I will do.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours – When I’m going through a tough time, I have been known to turn to things like drink, alcohol and attention from guys. That’s not a secret. It’s not because I don’t care or because I want to be an arse. It’s because I need to find a way to feel better, even if it’s short lived because the bad literally consumes me. The negativity will swallow me whole, so I look for an easy out. It’s not right and it’s not fair on the ones around me.

Self-harm – I spoke about this earlier on in this post. Should I be proud that I chose the flimsy option over the one that would leave scars? No. Because I shouldn’t have done it at all. But I needed too. I needed the pain in my head to be real. I needed to feel something real because I know my brain isn’t half the time. I needed to know that I could feel at a time I felt numb.

Extreme emotional swings/explosive anger – this illness isn’t otherwise known as emotionally unstable personality disorder for nothing. This is a real consequence of living with this. I can’t control my emotions. I have such high highs that the second I come crashing down, its a nightmare. That I can flip from the happiest in the world to complete devastation over something so trivial and meaningless. The second I get triggered, this horrible person that I try so desperately to keep back comes out. I can’t stop them, I just watch as the anger is released knowing that I lost control. And when they pass, I feel so guilty that I bury them because if I didn’t I’d do something I regret like hurt myself or turn to alcohol.

Chronic feelings of emptiness – do you know what it’s like to be around the person you love and feel dead inside? That all the attention in the world, just cant fill it. To look at someone you love with every fibre of your being, knowing that you love them but feeling so empty you can’t show it? I have sat next to people that try their hardest for me and just end up feeling guilty because I can’t open up to them because I feel numb and worthless. I can’t fill a void that is there because I don’t know why I feel that way in the first place.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality – This happens on a regular basis and I don’t know how to stop it. Every day is a battle between figuring out what is real and meaningful and what my brain is trying to convince me is the truth. It’s a trap that I can’t get out of.

Living with BPD is soul destroying. It controls every moment of every day. It’s the really high highs that make me feel invincible and the really low lows that make me believe I am worthless. It’s the moments like having a great day with Luna and coming back to a room filled with memories and torment and letting those thoughts consume the good. It’s about waking up in the morning and knowing if today will be a good or bad day before it’s even started.

There are days where I feel like a burden. Where I feel like I am the reason the ones I love are hurting and being destroyed. There are days where this mental illness leaves me more alone and isolated than I ever wanted. But it’s also a big part of who I am right now. And until I spend five years in therapy talking to some shrink, I know I will continue to lose to the triggers and the thoughts.

So for those that are around right now, for those that love me and want to be there for me, please don’t give up on me when I’m having my bad days. Please don’t let me sink into my own head and try to help me keep control. To the ones that I love, family, friends and you, please know that every day I am trying my hardest to be in control, some days I win and others I lose, but I’m still me and I am thankful for you all each and every day.

If you want to get in touch with me about BPD, then find me on facebook, twitter or Instagram. I hope that each person that has this mental illness finds a way to have control. I always will be here to listen because I can understand more than you’d believe. I hope wherever you are in the world, you are happy and healthy and until you hear from me again, keep smiling, the world needs to see it.

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Other!

Sexual Assault Awareness Month!

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_Assault_Awareness_Month

So, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I thought it would be a topic worth discussing on my blog. Sexual Assault is a horrible thing to go through and no person alive should have to go through it.

A description of sexual assault found on the Met website goes by this “The overall definition of sexual or indecent assault is an act of physical, psychological and emotional violation in the form of a sexual act, inflicted on someone without their consent. It can involve forcing or manipulating someone to witness or participate in any sexual acts.

Not all cases of sexual assault involve violence, cause physical injury or leave visible marks. Sexual assault can cause severe distress, emotional harm and injuries which can’t be seen – all of which can take a long time to recover from. This is why we use the term ‘assault’ and treat reports just as seriously as those of violent, physical attacks.” [1]

At the age of 13, I engaged in a sexual relationship with an 18-year-old. This was not a typical relationship and should never have happened. However, it did, and I can’t go back in time and change what happened. Although, I technically gave consent, I was still underage, and it’s considered as Statutory Rape within the UK. He used many different phrases and techniques in order to keep me “under his spell” and now thinking about him makes me feel physically sick. I didn’t know back then but he was purely using me for sex and as a toy. He didn’t care about my feelings and wouldn’t have cared the emotional distress that he put in for years afterwards.

And then fast forward to the 1st of August, I had to endure being held down and strangled whilst my then boyfriend had sex with me. He woke me up and didn’t care that I didn’t want it, he continued. He held me down and strangled me until I lost consciousness and I don’t remember much. It was supposed to be a romantic night of us sleeping under the stars in a tent, however that romantic night turned sour and it was the start of what would be a reoccurring problem. I wish I could say that it only happened once, when he was going through a tough time, but the truth was, it wasn’t. It happened repeatedly and I had no one to talk to.

I’m not telling you this to get said people into trouble, hence why no names have taken place. I am writing to tell you that these attacks have made me the person that I am today. There are nights where I wake up in a jolt because of nightmares. There are days where I have paranoia that they are going to come back and destroy me a little bit more, but the truth is, I know they will never get close enough to hurt me. I may have PTSD because of some negative people but that doesn’t define me. They made their choices, and I swear I will not let their choices define who I am or where I go in life.

I want everyone who has ever had someone touch them without their consent, to those that have had to endure a person force their advances without their consent, you are fighters and their actions aren’t because of who you are! You are not responsible for them or their actions. You did not deserve their actions and you are stronger than they can ever be. You may not feel it right away, but you will get passed it. It may take therapy, it may take a tonne of drugs and bad choices, but you will beat their actions because you have it in you.

I know that for the longest time I believed that I deserved it. That I was responsible for the things that happened to me. I thought that if I had been a better person, it wouldn’t have happened. But that simply is not true. I never asked for them to do what they did. And after it happened, I felt that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because of shame or belief that they wouldn’t believe me. I had to live in fear that they would come back and harm me again. I had to have their images repeated in my brain for years because I didn’t open up to anyone. That probably did more harm than good because in stead of facing those demons that they left behind, I hid from them. I found ways to escape. I believed the lies that it was all my fault and that no one would ever care because I had become damaged goods. I have scars left behind from their touch, but those scars are now a reminder. A reminder that I am stronger than ever because they will never reach me again.

So many people don’t come forward when it comes to sexual abuse for so many reasons. They could have been drinking or taking drugs, they could know the person responsible, they may be living in fear but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t come forward. I know I never did because I was scared of wrecking someone’s life like the way they wrecked mine. I was scared that I would be ignored or told that I was making it up. I was scared for the families that I knew personally and how they would react. I feared being judged by people that had no clue, but honestly, a part of me wishes I had come forward so many times.

Now, to the people that have committed these acts, why? Why did you feel the need to damage someone mentally and physically because you couldn’t take no as an answer? Why did you feel that your needs were more important that theirs? How would you feel if your sister or aunts or daughters had to go through the atrocious acts that you put on others? Why can’t you keep your hands to yourself and act on reciprocation and consent? You are wrecking more than your own life by not keeping your hands and actions clean.

I want all my followers to know that there are many people you can talk to about being abused. Police and therapists are the key people, because they can help you get justice for yourself. But also, you can reach out to me. I will always be available to listen without judgement and without fear of it going any further. I also want you all to think about your actions. Don’t do anything against someone’s will and just don’t be a dick. If anyone wants to reach me, you can get in touch via my Facebook page, twitter or Instagram. I will always answer. I hope the future sees a decrease in sexual assaults because no person on this planet deserves that kind of torment. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re keeping healthy and isolating. And as always, keep smiling, even when it hurts.


[1] https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/rsa/rape-and-sexual-assault/what-is-rape-and-sexual-assault/

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Other!

Quarantine; bored yet?

Is it me or does it feel like we’ve been stuck in quarantine for what seems like an eternity? I mean I completely understand why the limits are in place, but that doesn’t exactly mean that this is the most interesting my life has ever been. Its been a week and a half and I already feel like I am going to do something crazy.

There are only so many times you can clean the same four walls before you start making dirt just to clean it up afterwards. I should be embracing being stuck indoors 24/7 but the truth is, I’m just not. The simple things that would be a comfort right now are out the window. I get bored way too easily and feel like I have done everything possible. I really haven’t, I have plenty of books left to read for starters. However, it just feels like there is no end in sight.

I have been thinking about trying out a new skill. I mean I can already cook, but I was thinking about enhancing my baking skill… It’s been a while since I last baked anything, so it will probably turn out to be a disaster, but that’s the whole point about trying to improve on a new skill, right? You won’t get better if you don’t try. So, if I do, I will keep you updated on how badly it goes. I say badly because I don’t believe it’s going to go very well at all!

I have spent a lot of time looking out my balcony window and found that there are way too many people not sticking to the quarantine. On Thursday, there were about 20 people standing around the bus station, waiting to get on a bus and not one of them were 2ft away from the nearest person. They were all huddled in a bunch. I mean WHY would you use a bus. That’s like the quickest way to spread germs because you cannot stick to the 2ft away from people. But hey, what do I know? I’m not medically trained.

The only good thing I’ve found about being stuck in quarantine, is there is a lot more time to work on my blog and publishing posts. I mean it would help if my inspiration responded to the amount of free time I now seem to have. But apparently that isn’t the case. I can’t really see my family or my friends, Luna has more of a social life than I do, considering as she’s spending time here and with her dad still. But me, I’m stuck looking at buildings or buses, or watching tv. I am getting that sick and tired of quarantine, that I got jealous of my sims being able to free roam their world with no worry about getting seriously ill and dying. How sad!

What has everyone else been doing since we’re stuck in quarantine? Is anyone else finding it difficult and totally boring? Have you learned any new skills? Let me know by getting in touch on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. I hope whatever you are doing, you’re keeping safe and healthy during these uncertain times. Take care of yourselves and make sure that you check in on people that are probably feeling lonely right now. And no matter what you do, don’t lose your smile.

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Mumma Life!

Mumma Update

It seems to crazy to be writing a Mumma update when my child isn’t even with me right now. But considering it’s been a few months, I thought I should give you an update and explain where we are currently at with my amazingly smart two-year-old.

Everyone is currently in quarantine, however, one of the things that you can leave the house for, is to transport a child between separated parents. So instead of him seeing her everyday like we used to, we have changed it to one week with each of us. The second any of us start to show symptoms, she stays where she is, however, for the last week she hasn’t been with me and can I add that it’s the hardest!

I love my daughter dearly, and even though there are times where I want to pull my hair out and cry until I’ve created a river, she is by far the best part of my life. So, for the last week, I have been facetiming her like four times a day, sometimes she really wants to talk to me and others she couldn’t care less… she’s two! She doesn’t really understand what’s going on but none the less, I ring her and attempt to have a conversation with her.

In the last few months, she has come on leaps and bounds. I am so honestly proud of the little lady she is turning into. Don’t get me wrong, she is living up to the terrible twos, but in between the crazy moments, there are the good times!

She knows how to count from one to ten, well… she knows the numbers. Sometimes she will correctly count to ten, other times she will just say “one, two, ten” and then get excited because she has counted one to ten in the short way. Every time she does, she celebrates by getting super excited and screaming ten at the top of her lungs. She’s starting to learn colours. She currently can identify red every time, but she also knows yellow and pink. She can sometimes correctly identify blue but not as much as the others. We also have learnt manners! She can use please and thank you in the correct places!

Unfortunately, she has also learned that my name is Ferrari. Although hearing her say my real name is by far the cutest thing in the world, I must remember that I am her mother first and foremost. That means that when she says it, I have to correct her, but there are times where I forget who I’m talking to her and answer her… That is the wrong move to make because this encourages her.

I always thought the terrible twos was a myth, but my goodness! If that little lady hears the word no when she’s in one of her moods, she throws herself to the floor and starts “crying”. I mean it probably makes me a bad mum, but I can’t help but laugh at her. She’s a right little personality, that even her temper tantrums are entertaining. Which means discipling her is difficult. I swear, the other day, she had so many time outs, she just decided to spend her time in her room because she couldn’t get told off. Thankfully it must have worked, because the next day she was as good as gold.

Being a mum is hard work. Being a single mum, is even harder. There are days where I honestly can’t help but think that I am the worst mum in the world, especially on days where her tantrums are at their worst, or on the nights where I barely sleep because she’s awake every hour. But the truth is, those days mean nothing when I get to see her precious little smile. To see the way her face lights up when we play hide and seek or even when she’s listening to her music.

Let me know some of your worst experiences with a child and their terrible twos, you can reach me at Twitter, Facebook or even Instagram! I’d love to hear your stories. I hope that wherever you are in the world, that you are keeping safe and healthy. I hope that you’re all looking after each other by staying inside and social distancing yourself from others. Most of all, I hope that none of you have lost your smile.

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Other!

Update on my goals!

I wanted to use this time to recap over my goals that I set my blog 4 months ago! Considering I went ghost for a fair few months, most of them are even further away from completion compared to where I thought I would be by this time. If you want to check it out, its >>>here<<<.

I set six goals that I wanted to complete by the end of the year, so I thought every four months, I’d look at how far I’ve come since the start of the year. Considering I went ages between blogging, most of these stats have come from the start of the year, but my goodness, it was probably the best start to my blogging year that I could have asked for.

I wanted to reach 50 people connected to my new Facebook page, however due to lack of advertising, it hasn’t even reached half that target, but hey, still got a while left of this year, you never know, maybe we could smash it.

I still haven’t managed to beat my record of 94 views in one day, but then again, I have gotten close and considering most of the time I am just writing waffle, I am truly humbled.

We are four months in and I have achieved 36% of last years views, which I can honestly say is quite an achievement, I am almost beating my first year of blogging and well over a quarter of the way to beating my yearly views. I am 35% of getting my 1000 visitors as well. To think that many people have logged on and checked out what I have to say, is truly amazing. I am so lucky to have so many people interested in what I have to say.

My last goal is the one that I know I will complete first! I wanted to achieve 100 people subscribed to my blog, and at the latest count, I am at 95! That means, I am 5 away from completely at least one of my goals!

The start of this year has been tough, I have had to make choices and yet I don’t feel like I am any closer to getting my head sorted but I know that one thing is true, I will be standing at the end of it. Thank you for taking the time to check out my latest post, and thank you to each and every person because you have contributed towards my achieving my blogging goals and I am honestly so thankful for each of you. You’re amazing! If you want to stay updated on what is going on with the blog, make sure to like the Facebook page, and follow me on Instagram. If you wish to see me write way more waffle than what gets posted, be sure to give me a follow on twitter. I want you all to stay healthy and safe during these uncertain times, and don’t lose your smile!

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Who am I?

I want to bring back snail mail…

Writing the post about my one of my favourite teachers of all time, made me realise that I really want to get back into snail mail. I want to find a pen pal and write handwritten letters to them instead of using things like Email and Social Media. However, when it come to writing this post, I realised I don’t write letters to anyone, and I don’t have a pen-pal. I mean, I have people I talk to all over the world but its not the same if I’m sitting behind a phone or computer communicating to them.

I love the feeling of going to my post-box and finding letters in there, however, most of them seem to be bills or junk mail and that gets a little disheartening after a while. I want to go there and see handwritten letters because to me that says more. It shows that they have taken the time to not only put their words on to paper and mail them, but that their creative side has come out. I like the feeling of knowing that people haven’t forgotten handwritten letters in an age of so much technology.

So, I’m going to start a mission! I’m going to find pen pals over the world and write to them. I’ve invested in some pretty paper and sparkly pens to make it seem special, maybe I’ll get some stickers as well. But I want to find some correspondence with people that comes away from technology and sparks a fire back in the belly of being excited when you get mail.

What do you think? Where would I go to find a pen pal so to speak? Would you like to help? I want to hear your ideas. I know this is a shorter post compared to what I usually write but its about putting my ideas into action and sharing my experiences with you guys. I want to know if you have any pen pals, how did you meet them? I’d like to know any tips or pointers. If you could get in touch via Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or emailing me at RariAyliffe@openupwithme.com. Wherever you are in the world, keep smiling.