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Who am I?

I want to bring back snail mail…

Writing the post about my one of my favourite teachers of all time, made me realise that I really want to get back into snail mail. I want to find a pen pal and write handwritten letters to them instead of using things like Email and Social Media. However, when it come to writing this post, I realised I don’t write letters to anyone, and I don’t have a pen-pal. I mean, I have people I talk to all over the world but its not the same if I’m sitting behind a phone or computer communicating to them.

I love the feeling of going to my post-box and finding letters in there, however, most of them seem to be bills or junk mail and that gets a little disheartening after a while. I want to go there and see handwritten letters because to me that says more. It shows that they have taken the time to not only put their words on to paper and mail them, but that their creative side has come out. I like the feeling of knowing that people haven’t forgotten handwritten letters in an age of so much technology.

So, I’m going to start a mission! I’m going to find pen pals over the world and write to them. I’ve invested in some pretty paper and sparkly pens to make it seem special, maybe I’ll get some stickers as well. But I want to find some correspondence with people that comes away from technology and sparks a fire back in the belly of being excited when you get mail.

What do you think? Where would I go to find a pen pal so to speak? Would you like to help? I want to hear your ideas. I know this is a shorter post compared to what I usually write but its about putting my ideas into action and sharing my experiences with you guys. I want to know if you have any pen pals, how did you meet them? I’d like to know any tips or pointers. If you could get in touch via Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or emailing me at RariAyliffe@openupwithme.com. Wherever you are in the world, keep smiling.

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Give Thanks!

Goals for my blog 2020!

This year I decided to set out goals for my blog in a post so I can track my progress and it gives me something concrete that I can work towards.

  1. My first goal is wanting to reach 50 people on my Facebook page. My last one was on 92, and I can no longer gain access to that page. So, if you can go on there and give it a like, share it if you feel like you connect with it.
  2. I want to beat my current record of 94 views in one day. I am hoping that by blogging more and connecting with the right people that I will be able to smash this one by the summer.
  3. I want to smash my current yearly total of 1819 views. By creating more content, I am confident that it will be achievable.
  4. Let’s see if we can reach 1000 visitors in a year too.
  5. I want to blog more than just every now and then! I am hoping to have a new piece coming out every day but only time will tell if I can stick to that or not.
  6. I currently 78 followers directly connected to my blog and I am so incredibly proud of that but let’s see if we can top 100 within the new year.

I am so incredibly proud of how far my blog has come and I have worked so hard on making sure that I’m as honest and truthful about my journey because you never know who out there might relate to it and use my words to help get them through their tough days. Sometimes it helps to know we aren’t alone in the things we are going through.

My blog may not contain the worlds best writing but a lot of what I write, has either affected me on a personal level or I’m using my blog to make sense of the world that we all live in. All the support that I do receive, means so much to me. I’ve had some people I know quite well start blogs because of mine, I’ve had people message me saying that I’ve helped them and that’s part of the reason I started this. I love writing and there is nothing easier than to write what you know or what you feel. I’ve been using my blog as a coping mechanism as I know others have been too. So, I want to make sure that I am putting in the level of effort that it deserves.

Thank you! Thank you for your continued support and for helping me get where I am today! My blog wouldn’t be as successful as it is and even though its not the biggest one out there, that doesn’t matter because it’s not a competition. You can get in touch and let me know anything! I love to hear from you all! You can hit me up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Email! I hope that wherever you are reading this from, you are happy and healthy, living a life you’re proud of. Just remember to keep smiling.

Categories
Who am I?

Where I want to be…

Last year, I went through some pretty hard moments. I was living somewhere that was affecting my mental health daily, it was overcrowded and full of animosity. This year, I have my own flat with my little princess and I’m working hard to make sure it’s a loving home for her.

Since we moved into the flat, I’ve seen her come on leaps and bounds. She exceeds all my expectations and proves just how smart she really is. I mean, it’s not like I really have much to compare it too but still. Before we moved here, she didn’t really have to do much, she was a few months away from being two and we were still doing pretty much everything for her. Now, she knows where the bin is, she puts her toys away and helps me tidy up, she’s learning to count but her favourite activity is finding her figures when I’ve asked her for a specific one. She will wake up in the morning and play in her room until half 7 when we go in the living room and watch Sing before she has her breakfast. The best thing we ever did was move out of the house.

I have come a long way too. Okay, so I still have a problem with self-harm when my emotions get too much, but I am learning to talk about them more. I feel more confident in myself most days and don’t always feel down in the dumps. I have come a long way from the person I was last year, but I am still so far from where I want to be. I want to be kicking my mental health’s ass, I want to be eating like a normal person and not worried so much about my weight gain. This year, I want to live for the moment and stay away from the past. It has controlled so much of my life already; I want to move on from it. This year, I want to stop the self-harm that controls me. I want to be able to look my daughter in the face and feel like the strong woman she needs.

I come from a broken home, and I didn’t want that for my daughter. I wanted her to not have to worry about having two homes, having to split her time between two parents, with two parents fighting for her love. I wanted her to be able to have her parents together but that didn’t happen. But I also didn’t want a Christmas baby yet that’s exactly how my life panned out. And I wouldn’t change it for the life of me. I however will make sure that she has two parents that love her and continue to put her first. Yes, she has two homes, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, if she is as loved at one as she is the other. That’s the main thing.

The girl that started last year no longer exists. She was unhappy with nearly every aspect of her life. She had friends but that didn’t help overcome the mental exhaustion she was facing daily. I had people in my life that had slagged my daughter off behind my back but was nice as pie to my face. I had people pretending to care, and those people were some of my close friends. Last year consisted of way too many lies that I believed but also some very high moments.

I finally got on stage and tried stand-up, which I want to do again this year. I managed to work up the courage to leave an unhappy relationship and build a new life for myself. I got closer to some awesome people and those affected my life in ways that I could never repay. I have so much more to be thankful for, but this year is going to be different. I’m not going to settle for less than I deserve. I’m going to find happiness within myself and the life I already live. I’m going to embrace more possibilities and not live my life in fear. I want to live for the moment and build myself up to the girl I used too be. She lives in me somewhere; I just want to find her again.

I thought by now I’d be in my forever job, instead I’m signed off because I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like I have no future, but the truth is, I do. I am trying my hardest to be the mum my little lady deserves and if I always continue to put her first then I’m doing the right thing. She is and will always be my forever job. Who knows, maybe in the future, someone will come and join our little family but for now it’s just me and my little princess and that’s enough for me.

What about you? Where do you see yourself going over this year? How far have you come? Are you on track to where you want to be in your life? Nobody said you had to have your life in order, but sometimes reflection is a good thing. It makes you evaluate your life and change your course of action if need be. I hope that you are all happy and content with the path that your life is taking, if not, just simply change direction. Thank you for taking the time to read my latest post and remember you can always get in touch via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or email. Have a good day and keep smiling.

Categories
Who am I?

50 facts you may or may not know…

Many of you have been following my blog for some time now, however I am starting to notice an increase in not only the different people that are interacting with my blog but also an increase in places around the world that I haven’t quite seen regularly. So, I thought about writing a post telling you 50 facts you may or may not know about me.

  1. I have a love/hate relationship with my biological name. I was bullied a lot because I have the name of a car, but its different and I am yet to meet another one.
  2. I was named after a Ferrari Testarossa because my dad figured it would be as close as he’d come to having one.
  3. I could have been called Stephanie or Witchie… I know what you’re thinking… WHAT THE FUCK!
  4. I was due on Halloween; probably explains why I’m so fucked up! Thankfully I decided to grace the world with my presence three weeks before avoiding this date!
  5. I cannot stand gold jewellery. I think it looks tacky and cheap. That is just my opinion. I have yet to see a gold bracelet and think “that looks expensive”.
  6. My daughter was named after my favourite character from Harry Potter; Luna Lovegood, as well as sharing her middle name with both me and my aunt.
  7. My favourite number is 7!
  8. Jacqueline Wilson was the reason I wanted to be a writer. I love all her books from Double Act, to Girls in Love, to Tracy Beaker.
  9. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder within the last 14 months.
  10. I may be right-handed when it comes to writing, but I do a fair number of things with my left.
  11. Although I do like tea, I’m not a massive tea drinker. Given half a choice, I’d take a hot chocolate hands down.
  12. My favourite character of all time is Tinkerbell and she’s the one I probably relate to the most, with Peter Pan being one of my all-time favourite books.
  13. I have a nine-year-old cat called Magnificent who is a miniature tabby and I miss her terribly. She lives at my mums.
  14. I am a sucker for the Sims collection! I love creating families and stories and absolutely love how you can create generations with families that just don’t die out. Of course, the creative side of building is also a big plus.
  15. The first concert I ever went to was Professor Green in Brixton, however my favourite was seeing Eminem at Wembley and being in the inner circle!
  16. I was selected and attended a film school in London but had to give it up due to seizures.
  17. I can play the clarinet, piano, cornet, horn, trumpet and read music because of my time in church.
  18. I was also a girl guide and brownie in my youth.
  19. Me and my best friend have nicknames for each other that use the same letters. She’s my Lemon and I’m her Melon. Which was a total accident.
  20. Me and my little sister Beaudicea are the only two in our family to have unusual names. Everyone else’s are relatively normal.
  21. All my best friends have disliked me at one stage or another.
  22. I am very opinionated, stubborn and argumentative.
  23. I used to want to be a gymnast but was told I was too big.
  24. I left school with three different qualifications in maths… and I thought maths was universal apparently its more diverse than that.
  25. I was diagnosed with Addison’s Disease and told I would have it for life, only to be told I didn’t have it after 6 years of steroids.
  26. My favourite accent is the Australian one and I couldn’t tell you why.
  27. I will drink Coca-Cola but not Pepsi or Dr. Pepper.
  28. My favourite alcoholic drink is Unicorn Gin and Bubble-gum Fizzy Drink. If you haven’t tried it already, I would strongly recommend it!
  29. I am apparently high maintenance… I’m named after an expensive car… of course I am.
  30. When I’m in a bad mood or feeling like my emotions are getting the better of me, I stick my headphones in and switch the world out.
  31. I have a habit of keeping a wall up to protect myself from others.
  32. I am obsessed with the colour pink!
  33. I have suffered with alopecia since I was 16.
  34. I find it easier to get along with guys because I have more in common with them.
  35. I love wrestling and cricket.
  36. I love to cook and often will try and cook new things.
  37. I tried lobster for the first-time last year and it was delicious.
  38. I cannot stand people touching my feet. It makes me cringe!
  39. I find noisy chewers really irritating!
  40. I’m a lousy girl… I hate shopping, don’t follow fashion and only pamper myself if I think I really have too.  
  41. My favourite period of our history is the Tudor Period. I find it highly interesting.
  42. I am absolutely petrified of clowns, china dolls, masks… basically anything with a face that isn’t human.
  43. I broke my left wrist by falling off a rope swing when I was 11.
  44. My first job was at Dominos and it put me off pizza for so long. I only started eating it again when I went to university.
  45. I still remember all the songs from Barney because I was obsessed as a child. Honestly, if I play Barney to Luna, I always end up singing along.
  46. I am emotionally unstable.
  47. I am way too forgiving. I have forgiven people for hurting me, even at times when I know I shouldn’t. I’m just not forgiving when it comes to my daughter.
  48. I got to see Tom Daley dive at the FINA World Diving Series at the London 2012 Aquatic Centre before the Olympics, and it was brilliant.
  49. I own way too many board games!
  50. I am 26 and I still feel like I have no idea who I am.

Well there we go. 50 facts about me and oh my goodness, was that difficult to write. I am sorry if they aren’t as interesting as you thought they would be. What else would you like to know? Let me know by getting in touch via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or by emailing me… Maybe I can do another one in the future. I hope wherever you are in the world, you are having a good day/night and enjoying yourself and as always, keep smiling.

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Monthly Update!

Happy New Year!

Welcome back to another year of blogging at OpenUpWithMe! I want to thank every single person who visited my blog last year! Over the course of 2019, I had 1819 views from 981 visitors. (Stats taken on the 28th December) From those views, I received 181 likes and 27 comments. This was my best year for my blog, and I couldn’t be more thankful! Its been read in 20+ countries and I’m overwhelmed with the support I have received from each one of you! You make writing for an audience worth it. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Considering we are now in a new year, I want to do so much more with my blog and for all those that follow it on a regular basis, so I have a few new things going on this month as a trial and if I can stick to it, then I hope to follow it out throughout the year. I have planned a new blog post for every day this month. I hope to get them all out but as you may have realised, I sometimes suck at sticking to plans, so I won’t promise that this will happen, but I certainly want to try my hardest. Now that I have some sort of routine with Luna going to her dads for a few hours every day and one night a week, I am hoping to have my blog posts planned, written and scheduled during these times to maximise my potential.

12 Goals of 2020!

This year, I want to complete more and get more out of my life and try to get myself out of the funk that I seem to have fallen into. I have decided to create 12 goals for the year instead of doing resolutions because as it turns out, I never stick to them, so I don’t even want to try. I have a habit of giving up way too quickly so that idea flew out of the window. However, my goals are broader and there’s less chance of failing. Although there are 12, I’m not planning on getting one completed each month, but I do hope that by the time 2021 comes around, I will have at least completed over half of them.

  1. Complete more of my novel! So, for those of you that don’t know, I have been writing a novel for a few years now. However, due to other commitments and lack of time prioritised to my novel, its still sitting in the writing stage. I won’t say that I will get it completed this year but if I can write a fair amount each month, I will feel better about it. It’s been in the works for too long and I’ve now found inspiration to get it completed. I mean at the moment I only have three or four chapters, but every chapter is planned with a fair amount of detail so it’s just getting my ideas to paper or word documents as the case maybe.
  2. Start Saving! I absolutely suck at saving! I find it physically impossible but after the ending of the last year, I have found that I want to put money aside for little lady’s birthday and Christmas throughout the year, so I don’t end up a charity case again next year. I spent a fair amount of money on her birthday and Christmas without support and ended up skinting myself for the rest of the month. There were other complications that came into play that I should have accounted for, but I didn’t. However, she had the best time and seeing her face at her party and on Christmas day makes it all worth it.
  3. Take Luna out somewhere new once a month! For all of you that have been following my blog closely, I suffered bad with post-natal depression and because of it my relationship with my daughter suffered massively. I want to make it up to her, I want to show her more of the country and do more stuff with her that means she’s not trapped in the flat most of the time. She is the most important person in my life, and I want to create more of a bond with her, filled with memories that can last a lifetime. My mum never had a lot of money, but she took us so many places whilst we were growing up like hiking and going on bike rides and that doesn’t cost a lot of money. Those memories will stay with me for life.
  4. Decorate! Even if I only get one room completed the way I want, its better than the standard white that seems to overrun my poor flat. I want to at least get Luna’s room decorated and spruced up because I think every child should have a colourful room that they can enjoy.
  5. Meet new people! I have made a fair few friends because of my blogging, and those people are there for me without fail whenever I need them. They have seen me through many of my ups and a huge amount of downs. They have made me laugh when I’ve felt like crying and none of them had too. Unfortunately, the closest I’ve come to most of them are facetimes every now and again, or messages via social media. However, I wouldn’t have gotten through last year without them, so I want to make a point of meeting them and thanking them personally, for impacting my life in the way that they did.
  6. Celebrate more! I have a habit of being negative and focusing on the bad for most of my life. This is my reminder to look at the positives more often. I want to celebrate the positives and embrace them a lot more. I want to maximise the amount of positivity that I bring out in others and for that, I need to start with myself.
  7. Do more for charity! I absolutely love doing things for other people. I want to do at least two big fundraising events for this year, one of which will be a walk/marathon. I want to raise money for charities that are close to my heart such as the Meningitis Trust and Children in Need.
  8. Eat better! Its no secret that I have an eating disorder. Its no secret that I have battled with my weight for most of my life. However, I am trying my very hardest to get over my eating disorder. I have managed to put on a few pounds and for me, that’s a massive achievement. I have finally got some meat on me again and my ribs are slowly becoming less obvious. I am trying not to be disgusted every time I step on the scales and notice a gain.
  9. Read one new book a month! I absolutely love reading and I have so many books that I want to read but haven’t got around to them yet. I want to dedicate at least an hour or so into reading them every night once little lady is in bed.
  10. Try one new hobby a month! I want to try new things and try to increase my skill range. I mean I can already play a few instruments, I know how to read music and I love to write but there is so much more that is on offer in the world that I want to broaden my skills and see what other things I might be able to do.
  11. Spend less time glued to my phone! A lot of us spend a fair amount of time on our phones, generally scrolling aimlessly through social media and not really doing anything productive. I want to stop this habit and spend more of my time focusing on the things that matter, like my daughter and my blog. Of course, being a social media addict, I know I will still spend time scrolling for no reason, but hopefully it will be a lot less time than I do now.
  12. Write more letters! I love the idea of getting a written letter. There is nothing that shows more thoughtfulness as well as time and effort as a handwritten letter. I want to focus on finding and maintaining pen pals and bringing back snail mail.

What plans have you got for this year? What are the things that you want to get out of 2020 that you may not have gotten from previous years? Are you like me and can’t stick to resolutions, or have you made some anyway? Let me know either by leaving a comment or getting in touch. Once again, thank you for all your support and for reading what I have to say. As always, you can find me on Facebook, twitter and Instagram or even email me on RariAyliffe@OpenUpWithMe.com. I wish you all a happy new year and remember to keep smiling.