Categories
Open Letters!

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!

 

Categories
Health❤️

I wanted my smile for so long…

I spent so long working up the courage to finally go to the dentist and get my smile back. I worked hard on being able to sit in the dentists chair without freaking out and having panic attacks. I overcame the fear that arose every time a needle was mentioned and I would literally swing my arms and legs about if I thought for a second that you were going to come anywhere near my teeth before I was ready.

I had a dentist who would say he was numbing your mouth, and he did, but he started the work long before your mouth was numb. I had my own mother hold me down because I was petrified and all she did was add fuel to the flames. I had reasons after reasons for avoiding the dentist. I mean I could brush my teeth a thousand times, but the stomach acid that I was bringing up was going to do more damage than brushing them could ever fix. I could have stopped eating the stuff that I was, but atleast I was eating and that mattered to me more.

Last Thursday, I had 12 teeth ripped from my mouth with countless stitches and I was so over the moon. The pain didn’t matter because I had my smile back and that was all that I wanted for the longest time. I wanted to not be ashamed of my teeth. I wanted to be able to talk and smile without having something in front of my mouth. The dentist put me on paracetamol, ibuprofen and dihdrocodeine and by Monday, I was back up the doctors getting something stronger because I was crying my eyes out. After taking a look at how swollen and sore my mouth was, I was prescribed tramadol. Two days later, I was back up the doctors getting antibiotics because there was an infection in one of the gaps which of course meant I was in even more pain.

I haven’t eaten a full meal since last Wednesday. I cant chew because its still way too sensitive. I have an ulcer appear where the denture sits on my gums because its constantly rubbing and I have swallowed way too much salt water to ever want to go near the ocean again. I am still in pain over a week after it happened and today I cried my eyes out. I cried because, for the first time in 9 days, I want my horrid teeth back. I want to be able to eat a meal, hell i’d settle for being able to suck on cake without it hurting. I cried because today, even though I love my smile, I wanted to go backwards.

I know that my teeth will be worth it. I know that of course I should expect pain, I had 12 teeth out and that’s a big operation. But right now, I am in a vulnerable state. I am in pain and I do spend most of my time sleeping or taking tablets. I am so thankful that Kieran has managed to be amazing, like he always is with Luna and has been doing an incredible job looking after her whilst I’ve been recovering. Thank you to my amazing friends who have rang me countless times to check up on me and thank you Liam for always letting me wake you up when I’m awake in pain. Thank you all for not letting me go through this by myself.

 

Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

No one can fault you for trying…

Write what should not be forgotten. – Isabel Allende

Everything I write on my blog, will be on the big wide world of the web. So I want to use it as a place to be remembered. I want people to be able to use my blog to express how they’re feeling when they can’t find the words… the only problem being sometimes I don’t even know the words to express how I feel. I am way too harsh on myself, and wont post something if I find it awful… probably why I have over 45 drafts… And I’ve found that it’s so much easier to write when I’m not at war with myself. So what do I do when I am at war with myself? I cry. A lot. Because I hate not being able to express myself through my words.

I can get myself into such a state. I am living with constant rollercoaster and I’m pretty sure the downs wouldn’t be as bad if I opened up when they were happening. I know I should, okay? I’m very much aware of the complications I create myself, but it’s not as simple as that to me. My brain has so much trouble with the ‘grey’ area, and even though it may not seem like it, I am working on that. It’s just hard. To me, a simple thing, would be blown way out of proportion because of the way I can’t express myself depending on the mood I am in. Sometimes I am so easy to get along with. I can take a joke and everything is great. However, sometimes I just lose control, and all the little things getting to me become too much.

I worry that the “little things” aren’t so little. I worry that those problems, will be too much and there’s no turning back, which is why I don’t discuss them. Then, when all the little ones build up, I lose it and by that point, there isn’t a chance to turn back. Slowly i’m accepting that I need to address things quickly, but I also need those nearest to me to understand that when I say I’m okay, its because I don’t want to talk about it and its not an invitation to ask further questions. That is one sure way, not to get me to open up.

I get so scared that people are going to leave me because of some of the thoughts that go through my head. There are times where I know I am being stupid but for some reason I can’t stop myself, its a defense mechanism. I get so scared people are going to leave so I push them away before they get a chance. Or, they get too close and I have to shut them out because IF they were to leave, it would utterly destroy me. I don’t believe that I am enough, I was hurt so badly that I can’t accept it when things are going well. That same fear creeps in because my past has taught me that even the ones that are supposed to never leave, will. So the ones that say they will never leave, still could.

I have walls up for my own protection. There are days where my existence feels lonely and isolated, because the fear has grown so strong, that I have no choice but to suffer in silence. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that my feelings are sometimes overbearing. I can be completely rational one moment and the slightest change in my feelings, will cause my brain to do a complete 180 and I can’t slow it down or even stop it. I feel like I can’t love myself so why should anyone else. I lose count of how much I ask that I’m enough because I have never felt like it. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have no confidence when it comes to myself. Yet, I can put on one hell of a persona, and that persona would have you believe that I could do anything I set my mind too. The truth is, I’m so scared to be who I really am, because who I am is emotional and overwhelming. My mind is a whirlwind but sometimes, its more of a blessing than a curse.

Nothing in this world is easy, I know that from my hard past. Yet, I am still fighting so that has to count for something. I still write, even though I think there isn’t a point some days. I still try because if I do give up, I’m teaching Luna that it’s okay to stop when things get too tough. The truth is, you can take a break. Sometimes a break from all situations will do you more good than you realise. I may not have been able to write for a while, but I’m still trying.

I battle myself each and every day. I don’t think I can remember when I didn’t battle myself over something. I battle whether or not to bring something up or to bury it till it finds its own way out later. I battle whether to walk out my door and face people even though I feel like a failure. I battle with every thought and feeling, questioning if it’s rational or not. So remember that the next time I do decide to open up. Because I would have battled myself for hours on whether or not to say something.

Every one has their own battles, and most of the time, we can’t see them. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t pushing through them and trying. It’s the ones that don’t give up, even when life gives them so many reasons too. I try even on the days where I feel like running and hiding. Sometimes I fail and that takes a serious toll on me. But on the times that I don’t, I know nobody can take it away from me. This life with borderline is hard, but I haven’t stopped trying yet.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

#BorderlinePersonalityMonth ❤️

For the whole of May, it’s BPD month, so I figured as someone with this mental illness, that a blog post dedicated to it would be worth it. It’s one of the hardest illnesses that I’ve ever had the misfortune to have because it affects each and every day of my life.

Ever since I got diagnosed, I’ve had nothing but trouble. Most people will look down their noses at me because they don’t understand. They will belittle me because it’s easier than open their ears and listening. And mostly, too many people don’t care and will happily trigger you so they can tell you how much of a horrible person I am. Yet, I’m one of the most open and caring people I have ever met, and even though my days are hard, there are some good points.

Symptoms

  • Needing attention
  • Emotional Outbursts
  • Social Withdrawal
  • Self-Destructive Behaviours
  • Being Clingy
  • Forgetting Things
  • Getting upset about simple things
  • Weird and unusual triggers
  • Needing validation

As someone with BPD, I have experienced all of these and so many others. I have emotional outbursts that don’t make sense that have stemmed from something so small. I have outbursts because I don’t feel like I can tell people what’s really bothering me. I shut myself off all the time and I cling onto people that I care about because rejection and abandonment fill my head each and every day. During times of emotional distress, I end up verbally lashing out. I end up pushing those I love away and making the situation a thousand times worse. And they are coming from not wanting to be left again. Because I can’t see the grey, it’s either good or bad, never okay and because of it, I can go from one extreme to the other at the drop of a hat. It’s uncontrollable and soul destroying when I hit the bad parts. It’s like a darkness swallowing me whole. It feels like I’m the worst person in the world who doesn’t deserve love and friendship.

I could talk about the negatives until the cows come home but that’s only one side to this disorder. I may experience the worst of the worst, but I also get to experience the best of the best. And those are the moments I live for. For pure happiness. It’s like being so high that nothing can touch you. At that moment, you feel like nothing can hurt you and it’s perfect.But here are the positive sides to this condition that are underestimated.

  • My relationships with people mean everything to me. I have a big heart and care about everyone in my life. I have listened and been there for people long after I should have. I have cared for people long after they stopped caring for me. I have been there for people I barely know and I have listened to people that needed me.
  • As someone who is so emotionally sensitive, I can generally read people’s emotions better than others. I can tell you when people are agitated because I have to go through it every day. I can signs that seem so obvious to me yet others wouldn’t even acknowledge them.
  • I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve lived in toxic situations and had people that are supposed to love me unconditionally trigger me and not care. Every day I wake up in a toxic house, filled with toxic people. And the day I get out of here, I won’t look back. Sure, some days look like I’ll never get out of here, but that hasn’t stopped me trying. I’ve been lied to and abused. I’ve been raped and neglected. Yet I still wake up with a little bit of hope that things may be okay. I’ve looked into the devils eyes and told him that he will not take me. I’ve been strong when every fibre of my body was telling me to quit. So yes, I’m emotional, but ask my best friends, they will tell you that I’m one of the strongest people they have ever met. I’m strong because if I wasn’t, I’d have killed myself long ago.
  • Having BPD, means that I have become more creative because I tap into emotions that others can’t understand. I can write, act, and interpret things that others wouldn’t even dream of. Some of the greatest writers had forms of mental health problems such as Ernest Hemingway and Virginia Woolf. They both suffered dramatically yet their books are a part of culture.
  • I am passionate about so many things and yet it’s a blessing and a curse. It means that I will not give up fighting even when I should. It means that people who refuse to open their minds frustrate me. It means that I will argue with people when I believe their wrong even if it means losing them. But it also means I won’t back down. I won’t stop fighting for what I want.

Living with BPD is hard because we have so many triggers. Some of them are rational whilst others are stupid and these are just a few.

  • Being ignored or feeling like I’m ignored, starts off the abandonment and rejection. It’s like a reminder that I’m not worth their time or effort. It’s hard because I already feel that way and getting ignored just confirms it. Then I feel like I need to repair the situation which also makes it worse.
  • Being told to calm down when I’m not angry. That starts a series of emotions that result in anger.
  • When my feelings are invalidated like “it’s just going to happen until you change it”, “you’re way too emotional for me”, “well that’s a bit over the top”… whilst these comments may be true, you’re basically telling me that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do instead of helping me cope with how I’m feeling.
  • When people tell me how to parent my daughter. This grates as my mood all the time. This will come from people that have a massive part to answer for why I am the way that I am. It’s the same people that live to invalidate me. It’s the same people that would tell me that they don’t care if they trigger my bad moods because they are right.
  • When the older generation say things like “well it was acceptable in my day”… really? People were punished for who they loved, people were invalidated and degraded because you people believed it was right. No. Just because in your day it was acceptable doesn’t make it right. A prime example was when three people that are atleast ten years older than me, told me that it was acceptable for a person to say to a child that their parents leaving them was their fault for misbehaving. That creates so many problems that the older generation are naive too.

Now for some statistics. 7/10 people will try to kill themselves whilst living with this disease. 1 in every 10 of us, will achieve suicide. This comes from not feeling good enough, from feeling like a burden and from believing the worst thoughts in their head. Nearly all of us will have some form of self harm or self destructive behaviour and we can’t stop them. We try and most of the time we fail. And even though that failure confirms how we feel inside, we still try and stop ourselves. Sometimes we feel too much and others we don’t anything at all. We feel like a contradiction.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov

This is my first post dedicated to BPD, I’m a bit late as I’ve started it on the 6th. But every day I want to educate and inform people about something that needs more awareness. I’ll be writing about triggers in more detail as well as some of the more positive sides. I’ll tell you all about the different sides of this condition, explain what it means to have and be a favourite person to someone with BPD as well as how I’m managing to live with the biggest emotional range I’ve ever experienced. Thank you for reading and I hope you have an amazing day. As always, check me out on twitter or insta by searching OpenUpWithMe and drop me a message. Until the next time. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Ferrari❤️ Lifestyle❤️

“Openupwithme”

How fitting that my blog be called open up with me and yet it’s the area I struggle with most. That makes me a hypocrite right? Because I talk about opening up and yet I just lost one of my best friends because I couldn’t physically open up to him and I’m not going to lie to you guys, it’s sucks! I can sit here and say how it’s not my fault but it really is. I hit self destruct and the people I love are collateral damage. That’s my toxic trait. The fact that I can’t open up and I lose people because of it.

When something small bothers me, it grows and grows. One tiny little thing, grows and manifests itself to the point of an avalanche comes over me that’s beyond my control. Now I could avoid this avalanche of shit if I just opened up about the things that were bothering me. If I just said what little thing was getting to me instead of ignoring it and burying it. Because that’s when it grows. It feeds of the fact that I didn’t address it until the point it warps the truth and reality. To the point it twists my brain into thinking the worst possible scenario. But I can’t do it. I can’t open up and let people in because I feel low and defeated that my brain isn’t thinking normally. Because I feel pathetic and needy that I took something in a way I knew I shouldn’t but it hurt none the less. Because I feel irritating and clingy that I need to be reassured so much. Because I’m scared that if I let you in and say the wrong thing, you’ll leave anyway.

It’s not all the time and that’s what makes this harder. Because, there are some days where I have strength and determination. I have days where I’m so easy to get along with and could talk about everything yet a few months ago, I hit self destruct and lost sense of reality and I’ve been struggling to find it ever since. But that means that right now, I’m hard work. It’s hard work to think normally and act normally when my brain is the complete opposite.

I know I have to let people in. I know the wall needs to come down. I know that fear stops me. But I’m trying. Because the people I love deserve better than me being closed. So I’m sorry. I know sorry is just a word and doesn’t change anything, but I want to open up more. Especially to the ones I love, I just have trouble finding the words. I refuse to lose anyone else because of this wall. Brick by brick, it’s going to come down.

I will find a way to let people in. I have to or I’ll lose everyone.

*UPDATE*

So thank you to each and every person that has read just one of my blog pieces, and a massive thank you to my subscribers. You guys are amazing! Each and every person that has visited my blog has helped me smash my first target of 1000 views and I truly appreciate your support. I can’t believe that things I’ve written have been read all over the world. It’s read by people I love and adore, as well as people I don’t know personally. It’s read in my hometown and it’s read on the other side of the world. That’s unbelievable. So thank you! I have so many plans for my blog which I will give you guys a proper update soon, I’m just taking some personal time. I’m going to blog sporadically for a while, just whilst I focus on myself and my baby girl. But your support is appreciated and I am truly thankful. Until next time, Ferrari.❤️

Categories
Being a mum❤️ Health❤️

Postnatal Depression and me.

When I first had Luna, I turned round to FOUR different doctors and told them that I had postnatal depression, they said it was just baby blues and it would pass… 13 months later and I still have those “baby blues” and yet it took a self referral to the mental health to get help. But the second the mental health team said that I had it, I had so many people say “oh I could have told you that”…. really? So why didn’t anyone stand up for me when I first said it? Why was I just brushed off and ignored? And now you wanna claim that you knew? No.

Yes. I have postnatal depression. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love my daughter, and it doesn’t make me a bad mum. It makes me a troubled one. It makes it harder to bond with her and I punish myself for it. I couldn’t get attached to her because I was constantly scared I was gonna lose her. Partly due to something sinister and partly because I had people threaten to get her taken off me before she was even here. I had nightmares that someone was gonna kidnap my baby girl every night and it made me not want to sleep.

My daughter is just over a year and I have never had a bath with her like most mothers would. I have never taken her out alone. I can’t be there when she goes to sleep and I get so nervous about being alone with her. I have spent probably about 5 hours alone with my daughter in her entire short life and that’s not because I don’t want too. It’s because I can’t. I get scared that I can’t cope and I panic. I’m scared that somethings going to happen to her and it’s gonna be all my fault. I’m scared of being a bad mum and neglecting her. And I wouldn’t have any sort of relationship with her if it wasn’t for Kieran. Because he is well and truly my rock.

My daughter is by far the most important person in my life and all I do is worry. I over think and I panic because I think of the worst things possible. But it’s only recently that I’ve actually started to bond with her and I won’t do it without support. I mean for the first 11 weeks of her life, I breastfed her and it was one of the hardest challenges I’ve had to face. She was an extremely hungry baby. She clusterfed so much that for the first few weeks, I had about 7 hours sleep a week. It wasn’t that much. I ended up in hospital because I was rundown and my body was suffering. It got to the point where she was having both breasts, whatever I could express and top up formula and I felt defeated. I felt like I couldn’t even give my daughter what she needed.

The day I made the decision to stop, was the hardest and was when I went downhill. Everyone told me that I wasn’t a bad mum and I had given her the best start to life but it didn’t matter to me. Because I felt like I failed again. I couldn’t go full term, I couldn’t give birth naturally and then I couldn’t breastfeed her. I saw new mums bonding with their babies and I felt even worse because I couldn’t. I saw mums lose their precious ones and I felt guilty. Here I was with a perfectly healthy baby and I couldn’t do the one thing they longed for. And still to this day, I punish myself because of other people and I shouldn’t.

Every day however, I make Luna her night time bottle, kiss her forehead and tell her how much I love her. Every morning I wake up to her massive smile and I tell her how much I love her and how happy she makes me. Every day, I give her the biggest cuddles I can and sing her favourite songs to her. I help get her dressed and we play with her toys. We watch Shrek cuddled up in bed and we sing “if you’re happy and you know it”. But I still feel like there is so much more that I should be doing and could be doing.

I was severely depressed before I had Luna and it made sense that I had postnatal depression because I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. But every day I try for that little girl and every day it does get easier. If you were to ask Kieran how many times I asked for reassurance, he’d probably say way too much. I honestly do believe that I suck as a mother because the little I do is nothing compared to what I should be.

However, I do know that I love my daughter and I make sure that she is happy. Believe me, she is. It’s very rare that she’ll cry and she makes me so proud. She doesn’t need a perfect mum, but she does need a happy one. And battling this, is hard but for her, I’ll kick it’s ass. I’ll show her that even at my weakest, I can be strong. That even when I feel like I’m failing, she’s living proof that I’m not that bad. One day, I know I’ll be the mum I’m capable of. One day I will make my daughter as proud as she makes me. I just have to take this one day at a time.

Thank you for reading. Ferrari. 💝

Categories
Health❤️

Self-Harm

I want you to know before you read this blog post, that it does contain some very sensitive topics. There is a massive trigger warning coming with this post. But after the month that I have had, I really wanted to write this. Not for attention but for closure.

How selfish must people be to turn around tell someone who has self-harmed how wrong and pathetic it is? How righteous do you feel about yourself knowing, that the second you stared to pick on what they did, you put them in a position to want to do it again? How good did it make you feel, knowing the second you called them an idiot without listening to why? Did it make you feel like you achieved something by picking on someone who clearly needs help and not judgement?

There are people all over this planet that will say that those that self harm, do it for attention. That, cutting themselves is them acting immaturely to the greater world. That, harming themselves is pathetic and cowardly. It’s not. It’s not the right thing to do but it doesn’t make you immature or pathetic. Yes, you need attention, but you need the right attention. Not to the fact that you’ve harmed yourself, more to why you took to causing yourself pain when you “have people around”.

If you were to ask anyone of my friends, they will all sit there and tell you how strong I am, how whenever I am having a bad day, that I just get over it and don’t let it get to me. The truth is, I am that girl! I will always be a fighter and I will always fight for myself, my views and my daughter. I will always be strong for her! But that doesn’t mean that I am always that girl. Especially not now. That girl lives in me, and she is there but right now, she isn’t the person I see when I look into a mirror. I don’t see strength right now, I see weakness. I don’t see determination, I see failure. I see someone look back at me that isn’t the happy, bubbly girl I would be described as. Instead, I’m greeted by eyes that look dead, a swollen face and a broken mind. I’m greeted by someone who has lost over a quarter of her body weight because she doesn’t physically want to eat. I physically force myself to eat to throw it back up within an hour.

Statics regarding self-harm are so rare because very few people own up and get help. There are many different types and not all of them require hospitalisation. Within the last 6 months, I’ve displayed more than one type of self-harm. Yes, I have taken a sharp instrument to my skin in order to cause myself pain. Hell, I bite my nails and still managed to cause myself to bleed when I scratch myself. Yes, I have thrown my fists against a wall in order to cause myself pain. (I’d rather hit a wall and lose a bit of blood than hit the people causing me pain and risk losing my daughter.) But, not once, in all the times I’ve hurt myself was I doing it to end my life, nor was I doing it for attention. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts but there is a one year old that gives me more strength than she will ever know. Sometimes its easy and others, it takes every bit of strength I have, not to lose it yet I still do.

In the last year, I have hurt myself in ways that I shouldn’t have. I’ve caused myself pain and suffering because the pain in my head wasn’t real. Because society, make you feel like your mental health, doesn’t suffer and doesn’t experience pain. They would rather have you believe that those that self-harm are doing it because they want attention. If I wanted attention, the day I sliced my wrist up, I would have come straight into the room where there was at least 7 people who would have given me attention for it. I didn’t. I came in, got a cigarette and smoked it. If I wanted attention, I’d have told everyone that I was doing it. But the truth is, I didn’t know I was going to do it until I hit the floor and couldn’t cope with everything that was going on in my head. I needed that pain, to be real. To know that even though I felt weak, it was because of the pain on my arm and not the fact that I am suffering. I have been saying all year that I’m not okay, I’ve taken steps in order to get it back but there’s a process that takes time. And until that gets started, I’m not going to magically wave a wand and be better. I’ve been screaming out for help and it didn’t work so I hurt myself because I needed too. Not to end my life, not to cause pain and hurt to the people I love, no, I did it because I needed to feel real pain. Pain that was physical. Pain that was visible. Pain that couldn’t be denied.

I did it a week ago and it took three or four days for people to notice. I didn’t hide it because I needed to see it as a reminder that pain is real. But they didn’t ask why or if I was okay. Nope. They just wanted to tell me that I’m an idiot and I was wrong for doing it. Believe it or not, and I know this may come as a shock to some people, but I am aware of the pain I caused on myself. That’s why I did it. I know causing myself an injury doesn’t make me smart or cool, but it helped. Because at that moment, it was real and yes it hurt like a bitch and stung like hell, but it was real. I know it wasn’t smart, but it also wasn’t permanent. I managed to fight off the suicide and settle for pain. I wanted to end it all and I didn’t I chose to just settle for the pain that would come of it. I did it, because at that point, I was alone and weak. I didn’t do it, so you could all feel sorry for me, I did it because nobody listened to me when I said I was in pain, nobody heard me when I said I was struggling. Then when I finally did something to try and relieve some of the pain in my head to something visible, I just get told it’s self-inflicted and that its pathetic.

But do you want to know what’s pathetic? The fact that I have so many “friends and family” around me yet I feel alone and isolated. I have people around me and I can’t open up to them without their criticization or undermining how I feel. I can’t talk to the people I love the most without them taking it personally and attacking me. That’s what’s pathetic. The fact that I suffer in silence because everyone around me would rather point out what’s wrong with how I feel than understanding that things aren’t okay. They would rather pretend that I am a bad person than remember that right now I need support and understanding not victimisation. I don’t need to be told what’s wrong because my head does that more than you possibly could.

Now, this isn’t a bashing. In the last month, I have been going further and further down, in the last month, so many people have played their hand in helping make sure that I stay down, yet I have a few people that work so hard to pick me up every time I fall. I have people that spend hours trying to get me to crack a smile, to laugh even slightly. They are the same people that don’t ask what’s wrong because I wont just come out and say it, they ease me into it and let me open up without pressure. The same people that have sat and watched me cry are the ones that gave me a tissue and held me while I did so.

This isn’t me saying that self-harming is acceptable because in an ideal world, mental health would be regarded as just health and wouldn’t be looked at in such a negative view. People that self-harm aren’t some strange aliens from out of space, they don’t conform to a specific stereotype and come in so many shapes and sizes. Just because someone has scars on their wrist, doesn’t make them a bad person, it means that there was a time where they were alone and isolated and tried to scream out but couldn’t so took the pain out on themselves. They feel that they are a burden and don’t want to put that burden on to anyone else. Those people are the ones that are suffering in silence and would rather take it out on themselves than let people in. Our brains fight against us. They magnify and blur everything, so you don’t see what’s real and what isn’t, it makes it so that you can only focus on the negatives because the positives are spun that way.

What I want from this post, isn’t people to message me saying that they are here if I need them. I want them to go to people that they know are suffering and just aim to make them smile. Because one smile at a low point can change an entire day. I want them to stop looking at people with scars and cuts as aliens and start treating them as people. Stop pointing out how stupid or pathetic you think they are for what they did. But encourage them to keep fighting. To help them when they are low and to make sure that if they are suffering, they have you there just, so they don’t suffer alone. Had anyone been with me when I was alone and weak, I wouldn’t have felt the need to hurt myself. But I was alone. I was physically and emotionally isolated. I was barricaded behind the thoughts that were controlling me. And that wasn’t me.

I am not the person who hides away and cries in a corner. I am not the person who lets pain and suffering define who I am. I will be that person again, it will just take time and patience. But you can believe me when I say, those that have made me feel worse for cutting myself or punching walls, are the ones that won’t be coming into next year. Next year, I don’t want to be the shell of the person I once was, I want to be the person I am. The person I am meant to be. And I will get there. But if you aren’t supporting me, then please don’t say anything. I don’t need to be surrounded by negativity, I do however need to be surrounded by those that love and support me. Those that understand that, even though right now I am in a dark place, I am still me! One day I will be strong and stubborn again, one day I will be determined and courageous, and that one day will happen soon. But, if you played even a slight part in keeping me down, then I wont ever give you that chance again.

Every time you want to cut yourself. Do these four steps. Sometimes they help straight away and other times, they distract your mind long enough for you to get a message or a sign that you’re gonna be okay.

You are not your scars. Your scars don’t define who you are. And your pain does matter. And I know it’s hard. Because I’m still battling to get back to where I was. But I also know that the pain will go and happiness and love will take its place. ❤️