Categories
Lifestyle❤️

Lets talk about change…

The same people that called me self-centred, shallow, and superficial are the ones obsessed with reality tv and what their favourite celebrity is doing next, however there are plenty of bigger issues in the world. Issues that get ignored and downgraded. Ones that get tossed aside until the problem has escalated to an extreme that may or may not be reversible.

I tend to avoid the news or news programmes because they just frustrate me. Not only do you have the likes of Piers Morgan sprouting his utter bollocks and claiming to speak on behalf of a nation… that same nation that he sits on his horse and judges, the same nation that he slates and undermines in every opportunity. Now, he can have opinions all he likes, hell i’d embrace his opinions if he actually presented them like a civiliased person and not an emotionless robot. I also watched some show presented by Victoria Derbyshire where she was having a ‘conversation’ with an MP that was going for leadership… It was tragic on both parts and I couldn’t actually believe that these two people were getting paid to have this chat on live air. It was a disaster and I learned nothing except the MP is a douche and couldn’t stand by any statements in typical political fashion and the presenter lost control of her interview which made me cringe.

I got various news websites up to have a look at what the current issues were today and oh my goodness. They are as much of a joke as this country is turning too. I suppose it makes sense that the next PM we have, will be a clown. Over the majority of news websites that I looked at, the biggest headlines were to do with the police being called to Boris Johnsons flat because of an argument and Trump trying to start yet another war. Neither, in my opinion should be headlined news. I am not going to say that I could do a better job, but I’d like to think that in such a confusing time, the news channels would be doing a better job at presenting more reasons to smile than reasons to question reality. Do I honestly care that Boris Johnson had police called to his flat because of an argument with his mrs? No. It doesn’t concern me.

Im concerned about the hundreds of people that sleep on the street with no roof over their heads. I’m concerned about the thousands of people that are living in situations that are truly questionable of their human rights. I’m concerned about the ones that go to bed cramped and scared because life is hard. I care about the thousands of peoples that are suffering with poor health, both physical and mental that are being ignored. I’m concenred about a country that cares more about what the richest 5% are doing than the poorest 20%. I’m concerned about the education system that we trust our most precious people in. The same education system that fails everyone if they don’t fit a certain criteria. I’m concerned about the issues we ignore!

We live in a world where women are criticised for how we look and what we wear, instead of teaching boys and men to respect womens minds. We live in a world where is so much easier to point the finger than accept responsibility and make the changes. We live in a world where no doesn’t mean no, where no just means not yet. We live in a world where you are slightly different, you’re less of a person and that’s not acceptable. It’s not acceptable that we say things like “boys will be boys” or “men should be strong”. It’s not acceptable that we look down on people because they come from a single parent background or on benefits.

As a society, we are not acceptable. But as a society, it’s us who needs to stand up and make the changes. We elect the MPS that sit on the government that runs our country. We raise our issues and we have our voices! Start using them for things that matter. For issues that matter. Stand up for the little people that haven’t quite found their voices. Stand up for those who voices are drowned out by people who think they know better. Stand up for the sick and elderly. Stand up for your families and friends. Every single person on this planet has the capability to make a change. Stop spreading hate, embrace people for who they are but don’t accept that its all they will ever be. Stop focusing on celebrity news and culture and embrace your own. Embrace your lives and make changes to make your lives better. If you have issues with the world, don’t wait for someone else to start the fight, start it yourself and get others involved. As a society, we are failing. Embrace those that dare to be different and stand alongside those that want to speak out. Because otherwise, the voices that were gifted to each and everyone of us, are going to waste.

For a while, I forgot I had a voice. I let so many of my issues go unheard and then I thought, well screw you. I’m important too and what I say matters. I mean sure, I’m one person. But this one person, has 42 followers directly to this blog and over 400 followers on twitter. That’s over 400 sets of ears that could read this and if one person shares it, then the possible audience will just grow because that is the power of social media. That is the power we have as a society, so why don’t we use it?

 

Thank you for reading. I know I’ve been a bit distant recently, but I promise to blog more. After all, my voice needs to be heard one way or another. I hope you all have an amazing weekend. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

Borderlines and their favourite people ❤️

Today, I wanted to write about a part of BPD that is hardest on me because it’s the part closest to my heart. It’s hard to explain to others about what a favourite person is, but I can tell you now, I wouldn’t be as strong or as stubborn without mine.

To a borderline, a favourite person is more than just a person, they are the strongest bond they have. They can be family, friends or even partners and some lucky people get to have more than one. They are the person or people that they turn to for everything, whether it’s for reassurance, guidance and advice, comfort or because we know they’re the only people that can talk us out of our episodes. They are the ones that we couldn’t go a day without talking too, and yes, I’m aware of how bad that can be.

It’s not all bliss, because although they have the power to pick us up, they can also destroy us without meaning too. From personal experience, I know that I argue with mine a lot because I don’t open up to them when I know I should. If I did, I know they’d talk me out of whatever troubles I had yet I can’t for multiple reasons. Fear controls me a lot of the time. The fear of rejection, the fear of being left and the fear of being too much, all make me overthink everything. Once I start thinking, I wonder how anyone could or would put up with me, I wonder if I annoy them, I wonder if they only put up with me because they feel sorry for me.

My head convinces me that molehills are mountains. That a slight problem is much more than what it is. When this happens, I feel like I’m losing the people that keep me grounded, I do everything I can to try and stop it even when the problem isn’t that big. That becomes needy and clingy. I can’t stop it. I try but I feel worse. Then the problem escalates and they need space. This is something I can’t do without problems. To me, space is them out the door. And if the problem doesn’t get sorted that day, I become unbearable in my own head. Yet, all of it could be avoided if I just asked them.

But when I do finally stop being an idiot, they have the power to change any bad mood, they cancel every negative thought and they make me see sense. They are the light. And I couldn’t be more thankful. Because without them, I’d be worse than I am.

My favourite people mean everything to me. And I try to keep them close so much that I risk losing them. But I hope that I never do. Because they are the strength that keeps me going. They are the music on a bad day. A joke when I’m close to tears. They are everything I need in my life and I hope they never leave. Because that would be my biggest fear. It’s hard because they are a part of me. And right now, I feel like I’m losing them.

To the ones I love when I can’t love myself, to the ones that are my smile when I’m lost. I don’t think you understand how much I really need you. I’ll always need you. I’m just scare that it’s too much.

If you’re someone’s favourite person, if you’re the closest person someone has, make sure they know how special they are and that you wouldn’t want to lose them. You’re their biggest reassurance and if they can’t come to you, they will self destruct. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

The Spoon Method and a mental health update…

Today, I had a really testing day but I also learned so much. I learnt more about myself and my condition, which is strange because when it comes to Addison’s, I’m usually the smartest person in the room. So I thought I’d share my day with you guys. I apologise now for the awfully long post, but on the bright side, you don’t have to read this.

At half 9 this morning, I had to attend the outpaitents department at my local hospital to have a short synacthen test done. Now I know many of you don’t know what one of those is, so let me explain it. They take your base blood and then inject you with this awful liquid that was imported from Italy, because there is a national shortage of it here, the same as my emergency injection kit, but i’ll get into that later. Then they wait half hour and an hour after injecting you with the syrum so they can see how your adrenal glands react. I had to have this done because after I gave birth to my little lady, some idiot doctor took me off them, when my blood pressure sky rocketed due to an infection. I then had to fight just to be seen by an specialist in Endocrinology just to get my tablets back because my gp was saying that my diagnosis wasn’t there so I didn’t need them. For the last 14 months, I have gotten sicker and because I haven’t had my steroids, I’ve had to taken extra care and a lot of extra naps, just to get me through the day. Hopefully after having this test today, ill be back on normal steroids again!

I was really grateful that the Endocrinologist nurse that was going to be doing the test was Jennii, because I already knew her and she remembered me. With a name like Ferrari, i’m a little harder to forget. I met her back in March 2013, when she was the nurse who gave me a day curve. . Again, this is another blood test, only this time, they are testing your blood to check if you’re on the right amount of steroids. I had the day curve on the Friday, which I slept through because I was actually quite sick and then on the Monday, I was in hospital with suspected appendicitis. For someone who cannot stand needles, I absolutely hate these tests. Yet, she remembered how much I couldn’t stand them and tried her hardest to keep the cannula open because she only wanted to give me one needle today. With a lot of hard work and pumping, we managed to keep the cannula in all day! We got talking about how I had been since she had last seen me and that she was surprised to read that I had given birth and even more surprised when she found out it was at the same hospital I attended today. And I mentioned everything from mental health to my blog and my novel and she was the one who gave me the idea for this post.

I have had so many people ask me about my condition and it wasn’t until today that I could really explain it. I mean sure, we can discuss the medical terms of what it is. I don’t produce the hormones that I need in order to fuction. I have no immune system and my body attacks itself. The adrenal glands are little glands that sit on top of your kidneys, they release hormones at different points of your day and get you through it. Before you wake up in the morning, your body would have already released cortisol into your system and that’s why you have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. Mine don’t work to an acceptable level which is why I was on steroids right up until Luna was a week old. Instead of fight or flight, I have fail. My body goes into a crisis when under extreme stress and then it shuts down. I have two hours to inject myself and in extreme cases get to the hospital because I could go into a coma. How do you explain to a healthy person what it’s like to be sick? How do you explain what it’s like to have an autoimmune disease? How can I explain to everyone else the daily struggles that my life became at the age of 19? Well today, Jennii told me the answer and its the ‘Spoon Theory’ by Christine Miserandino, I would strongly suggest checking out the actual article, The Spoon Theory as I really will only give you a cliffnotes version.

She explains that Lupus, another autoimmune disease, is like starting the day with 12 spoons. Healthy people, don’t have to worry about their spoons, because they have a seemingly endless supply most days but for those that are sick, they have these spoons. You can never drop or forget about the spoons, the same way we couldn’t forget about our condition. You lose spoons for each activity you do throughout the day, because your body isn’t physically capeable of everything, you have to act accordingly. You can’t do as and what you please. You cant write a list of things to do for that day and expect to get everything done because your body can’t handle it. Before even starting the day, you have to get up and take medication. You have to take them, knowing they are what are keeping you with your spoons. You lose spoons before you’ve left your bed if you didn’t sleep well and even more so if you’re sick. The rest of day, you are limited and everything you do will cost you. Things people take for granted like doing the chores, can take me hours because I have to rest or my body pays the price with more spoons. I can take spoons from tomorrow but that would already put me on a deficit. Unlike healthy people, everything I do, I have to account for. I have to account for all the walking and exercise, for the lack of meals and lack of sleep. I have to account for physically stress that I put on my body as well as emotional and mental stress and most of the time, I use up all my spoons. So just hold on, because even though my life is limited and the pain can keep me in bed for days at a time, I still choose to socialise and even that costs me.

Now like I said, it was my understanding of her article that made me realise that if I explained my condition in this way, it might make a little more sense. Maybe people might understand why, especially at times when my body is attempting to battle an infection, that I’m a bit more reserved. Because I have less spoons to start the day and most of the time, its not enough.

After learning about the spoon method, I had to attend a therapy session and talk about how I was feeling. I had to talk about things that had gotten to me in the last month (I was quite poorly the last time I was supposed to have a session and then she went on holiday so it took longer than expected) and I just broke down in tears whilst she sat there and wrote goodness knows what down on her little notebook. She asked me how I was feeling and how I was coping. She asked about Luna and my eating. She just asked all these questions and I literally just cried because I was so exhausted from holding everything in that I just rambled. At the end of the session she had decided that I’m having a referral to a dietician so we can get me on supplements to make up for my lack of eating… So not only am I taking steroids, I’m going on supplements? Maybe I should hit up the gym and get massive… then again, maybe not. She also sat there and told me that my biggest problems and greatest drawbacks were confidence, self belief and self doubt. I have too much self doubt and not enough self belief or confidence. She said that I don’t see my self worth, I think that little of myself that I destroy everything good because I hit self destruct. I see myself as the problem for all the crap that I have had to deal with, and I carry it around to the point that it suffocates me. I think that little of myself, that I question why anyone would stick around, why anyone would care. And I need to change that. I need to believe in myself the way others do. I need to learn to love myself the way the most important people in my life love me. I need to believe that I deserve to be happy because right now, I am the only person standing in my way.

She doesn’t need a perfect mummy because they don’t exist, but she does need a happy healthy one.

I hope you are okay. I hope that you haven’t been too exhausted and that you’re smiling. Because believe me, the world needs to see your smile. Until the next time, Ferrari.❤️

Categories
Ferrari❤️ Lifestyle❤️

“Openupwithme”

How fitting that my blog be called open up with me and yet it’s the area I struggle with most. That makes me a hypocrite right? Because I talk about opening up and yet I just lost one of my best friends because I couldn’t physically open up to him and I’m not going to lie to you guys, it’s sucks! I can sit here and say how it’s not my fault but it really is. I hit self destruct and the people I love are collateral damage. That’s my toxic trait. The fact that I can’t open up and I lose people because of it.

When something small bothers me, it grows and grows. One tiny little thing, grows and manifests itself to the point of an avalanche comes over me that’s beyond my control. Now I could avoid this avalanche of shit if I just opened up about the things that were bothering me. If I just said what little thing was getting to me instead of ignoring it and burying it. Because that’s when it grows. It feeds of the fact that I didn’t address it until the point it warps the truth and reality. To the point it twists my brain into thinking the worst possible scenario. But I can’t do it. I can’t open up and let people in because I feel low and defeated that my brain isn’t thinking normally. Because I feel pathetic and needy that I took something in a way I knew I shouldn’t but it hurt none the less. Because I feel irritating and clingy that I need to be reassured so much. Because I’m scared that if I let you in and say the wrong thing, you’ll leave anyway.

It’s not all the time and that’s what makes this harder. Because, there are some days where I have strength and determination. I have days where I’m so easy to get along with and could talk about everything yet a few months ago, I hit self destruct and lost sense of reality and I’ve been struggling to find it ever since. But that means that right now, I’m hard work. It’s hard work to think normally and act normally when my brain is the complete opposite.

I know I have to let people in. I know the wall needs to come down. I know that fear stops me. But I’m trying. Because the people I love deserve better than me being closed. So I’m sorry. I know sorry is just a word and doesn’t change anything, but I want to open up more. Especially to the ones I love, I just have trouble finding the words. I refuse to lose anyone else because of this wall. Brick by brick, it’s going to come down.

I will find a way to let people in. I have to or I’ll lose everyone.

*UPDATE*

So thank you to each and every person that has read just one of my blog pieces, and a massive thank you to my subscribers. You guys are amazing! Each and every person that has visited my blog has helped me smash my first target of 1000 views and I truly appreciate your support. I can’t believe that things I’ve written have been read all over the world. It’s read by people I love and adore, as well as people I don’t know personally. It’s read in my hometown and it’s read on the other side of the world. That’s unbelievable. So thank you! I have so many plans for my blog which I will give you guys a proper update soon, I’m just taking some personal time. I’m going to blog sporadically for a while, just whilst I focus on myself and my baby girl. But your support is appreciated and I am truly thankful. Until next time, Ferrari.❤️

Categories
Health❤️

Feeling forgotten…

What do you do when you feel like an outcast? When you feel forgotten and tossed aside? Do you try to force your presence onto people to be included or do you just forget about it and ignore that feeling? Do you battle your own head and tell yourself that it’s not true? Or do you give in and just become alone?

Just recently I’ve been feeling more and more forgotten. I know a bit part of that is because I’ve gotten to the stage where I’ve shut everyone off but what am I supposed to do? I’ve gotten to the stage where I don’t feel like I matter so I stopped trying. I trying to save friendships that mean a lot. I stopped trying to keep people in my life and just left them. I left them like they left me.

I sat there and listened to my family enjoy a meal for my mums birthday but as no one told me, I was left to listen and not be included. I asked what the plan was, and told that mum was having takeaway so we would be making our own dinner. I sat there and listened to people talk about me like I wasn’t even around and couldn’t hear what they were saying. I felt defeated. People make promises and then break them. Family and friends will say how they will always be there but yet, when you just need some reassurance, they’re busy.

Because right now I’m sick and tired. I’m defeated and rundown. I cannot help how I feel but I know it’s destroying me and I can’t stop. I can’t stop feeling like I don’t matter, because no matter what, the world will always turn and doesn’t stop to make sure you’re okay. Nobody does. I’m alone to handle my thoughts and I just can’t cope.

The truth is, I want it all to stop. To stop the pain and heartache that comes from feeling alone and unwanted. To stop feeling like I don’t matter. I don’t wanna push people away, but I can’t keep letting people in. Only right now, I’m shutting everyone out because I don’t know who’s toxic and who isn’t anymore. I don’t even know if I’m the problem. But I do know that, something has to give.

I’m way too emotional to even have friends. To even think normally. So for now, I’m taking a break from everything. Because I can’t continue like this. I can’t keep feeling like I don’t matter. And I can’t keep feeling like I’m failing.

Until next time. Ferrari. ❤️

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Ferrari❤️

A confused mind…

Have you ever spent every day talking to someone only to drift apart? Have you put time and effort into someone only to have it thrown back in your face? Have you ever sat there and thought, if I didn’t speak to them, would we talk? Yep. Losing people sucks.

Unfortunately it happens a lot. Throughout my life I’ve lost people that I never imagined my life without but gained people I didn’t even know existed. I’ve had friendships fall and for the other person to become a stranger I once knew. And I hate it. I hate the fact that one minute we can be extremely close to someone, slowly you drift apart and the next it’s been months and you’ve forgotten each other. I hate that people can come in and out of lives thanks to social media and technology.

Recently I’ve ghosted everyone. I swear, I’ve even ghosted the people in this house at various points over the last couple of weeks and I’m sorry. I’ve just been distracted. It’s not you guys. It’s that coping with my head has become a lot to handle and I feel like I’m failing. I thought that I was losing some of the people I held close, I thought that I was failing as a friend and a person. I wasn’t. My mind was playing tricks on me like it loves to do. But I’ve been feeling like I don’t matter because people can just leave when they feel like it. I have abandonment issues as well as a constant nagging feeling of being too close to people because I feel vulnerable. I feel like if I let people in, they leave. I’ve lost people because I don’t open up yet I don’t open up because I lose people. It’s a vicious circle and one that I know I need to break.

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could stop myself but it’s so hard. I can’t open up anymore. I’ve done it so many times and fallen flat and defeated. Right now, I feel like I’m out of control, I feel like my fears are controlling me and when I try to stop it, I’m lost. But I’m sorry that right now, I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t because I’m expected to be okay. I mean as everyone tells me, I have a perfect little family and could want nothing more. And yes, I appreciate Kieran and Luna so much, but if that were true, my mind would be okay.

I feel drained because every day is a battle that nobody can see. I feel exhausted because I can’t open up without fear of losing the ones I love most. So I sit tight and wait for my mind to settle. But it’s not. Monday, I have to sit across from a therapist and tell them the things that are on mind and maybe I’ll be a little calmer. I feel like all the colour has been drained from my life. That nothing makes sense and the world around me is in flames. I feel like I’m destroying everything and I can’t stop myself.

This picture isn’t perfect. It’s not in colour. It shows my imperfections. But it’s me. It’s who I am.

I’ll write again soon. But mentally, I can’t cope with my head. I can’t write it down because I don’t make sense of it. I hope that wherever you are right now, you’re not alone. Because having people around you that care, is something that shouldn’t be underestimated. I hope you’re okay and having a great day. Until I write again, Ferrari. ❤️

If you’re not already, follow me on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook by searching “OpenUpWithMe”❤️

Categories
Health❤️

Imagine we embraced the things we loved rather than criticise what we don’t.

So I was looking through google to find a quote that suited my previous blog post regarding my recovery through an eating disorder and originally posted it along side my usual update on Instagram (if you don’t follow me already, go check out OpenUpWithMe and give it a follow, thank you) but decided the picture with my delicious meal was better suited so sorry if you say the same description for two pictures. I forgot that I used to post a quote along side my work and wanted to do that again, and this quote seemed like the perfect one.

Imagine if we obsessed about the things we loved about ourselves. – http://www.HealthyPlace.com

I am a sucker for always looking at my flaws. I hate my smile, my teeth are repulsive, breast feeding destroyed my boobs, I would do it every time. I have stretch marks in the weirdest places, not places I originally thought id get from pregnancy, a forehead you could land planes on, a snowman has more of a tan than me, I burn like a lobster and then get freckles… not even fair, and I hate my thighs. I think that I’m too fat and that I have three chins, I mean I do, when I make it that way but not naturally. However, this isn’t a post to go on about the things I hate about my physical appearance or my mental state of mind but rather to focus on the things that are positive and I do like about myself. Shouldn’t take too long.

Firstly, it will always be my eyes! Eyes are the first thing I notice about someone and I truly stand by the saying that your eyes can tell you the most about a person. I absolutely love blue eyes, I could stare at them all day. Yes I am aware how creepy that sounds but they are beautiful. I mean I think it’s because Kieran has gorgeous blue eyes and I look at his all the time, however, if I’m being honest, it goes Blue, Green and then brown. I can honestly say that light eyes are better. BUT, the person who has the best eyes to me is my daughter and she has my eyes. I have very big brown eyes, and when I do my makeup, I spend the longest on my eyes, because they look amazing when done properly.

Granted a filter has changed the colour of my eyes but I love them.

Secondly, I love that I have such a big heart. I mean I know that it means I get taken advantage of but I wouldn’t want to change. I always look for the best in people and will generally forgive a lot. I care deeply for my friends and family, without asking any of them in return. I think that has a lot to do with being emotionally sensitive but I am lucky to know love in huge amounts. I love that I am always there for people because even for a moment, I’m generally making them laugh and taking their mind of the shit in their life. I love that on a good day, I am approachable and bubbly, because I have met some of the greatest people, being the way I am. And those are the people that have never asked me to change. I love that I am completely unique. I know there is not another person out there like me and I wouldn’t want to follow the crowd. I may have anxiety but I’d rather stick out for being different than conform to the norm.

Lastly, I love my hair! Now it has taken a very long time for me to be comfortable with my hair because I have battled alopecia for years. It was back in 2011 that I started to lose my hair and I hate it. The first patch I got, was basically the top of my skull and no matter how I tried to style my hair, you could see this patch. My confidence suffered so much that my mum brought me a wig just to see me smile again. Since then, they come back but they are tiny. When I started to lose my hair, it decided to change from naturally straight to curlier and its been an adjustment. I remember for years saying how I wanted curly hair and now I get to have it. It just sucks straightening it as the wind will change my hair, so I spend an hour straightening it for the air to fudge it up within minutes.

Its taken a while but…
I finally love my hair!

There aren’t many things that I love about myself but slowly the list is growing. I mean I know I’m vain, and if I think I look good, I will share a good selfie but that’s generally because I think my eyes look the best. I hope that one day I can love myself the way others love me but for the moment, I am happy with it just being a few things. What do you love about yourself? Embrace them! Until the next time, I hope you’re having a great day wherever you are in the world. Ferrari.❤️