Categories
Monthly Update!

Happy New Year!

Welcome back to another year of blogging at OpenUpWithMe! I want to thank every single person who visited my blog last year! Over the course of 2019, I had 1819 views from 981 visitors. (Stats taken on the 28th December) From those views, I received 181 likes and 27 comments. This was my best year for my blog, and I couldn’t be more thankful! Its been read in 20+ countries and I’m overwhelmed with the support I have received from each one of you! You make writing for an audience worth it. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Considering we are now in a new year, I want to do so much more with my blog and for all those that follow it on a regular basis, so I have a few new things going on this month as a trial and if I can stick to it, then I hope to follow it out throughout the year. I have planned a new blog post for every day this month. I hope to get them all out but as you may have realised, I sometimes suck at sticking to plans, so I won’t promise that this will happen, but I certainly want to try my hardest. Now that I have some sort of routine with Luna going to her dads for a few hours every day and one night a week, I am hoping to have my blog posts planned, written and scheduled during these times to maximise my potential.

12 Goals of 2020!

This year, I want to complete more and get more out of my life and try to get myself out of the funk that I seem to have fallen into. I have decided to create 12 goals for the year instead of doing resolutions because as it turns out, I never stick to them, so I don’t even want to try. I have a habit of giving up way too quickly so that idea flew out of the window. However, my goals are broader and there’s less chance of failing. Although there are 12, I’m not planning on getting one completed each month, but I do hope that by the time 2021 comes around, I will have at least completed over half of them.

  1. Complete more of my novel! So, for those of you that don’t know, I have been writing a novel for a few years now. However, due to other commitments and lack of time prioritised to my novel, its still sitting in the writing stage. I won’t say that I will get it completed this year but if I can write a fair amount each month, I will feel better about it. It’s been in the works for too long and I’ve now found inspiration to get it completed. I mean at the moment I only have three or four chapters, but every chapter is planned with a fair amount of detail so it’s just getting my ideas to paper or word documents as the case maybe.
  2. Start Saving! I absolutely suck at saving! I find it physically impossible but after the ending of the last year, I have found that I want to put money aside for little lady’s birthday and Christmas throughout the year, so I don’t end up a charity case again next year. I spent a fair amount of money on her birthday and Christmas without support and ended up skinting myself for the rest of the month. There were other complications that came into play that I should have accounted for, but I didn’t. However, she had the best time and seeing her face at her party and on Christmas day makes it all worth it.
  3. Take Luna out somewhere new once a month! For all of you that have been following my blog closely, I suffered bad with post-natal depression and because of it my relationship with my daughter suffered massively. I want to make it up to her, I want to show her more of the country and do more stuff with her that means she’s not trapped in the flat most of the time. She is the most important person in my life, and I want to create more of a bond with her, filled with memories that can last a lifetime. My mum never had a lot of money, but she took us so many places whilst we were growing up like hiking and going on bike rides and that doesn’t cost a lot of money. Those memories will stay with me for life.
  4. Decorate! Even if I only get one room completed the way I want, its better than the standard white that seems to overrun my poor flat. I want to at least get Luna’s room decorated and spruced up because I think every child should have a colourful room that they can enjoy.
  5. Meet new people! I have made a fair few friends because of my blogging, and those people are there for me without fail whenever I need them. They have seen me through many of my ups and a huge amount of downs. They have made me laugh when I’ve felt like crying and none of them had too. Unfortunately, the closest I’ve come to most of them are facetimes every now and again, or messages via social media. However, I wouldn’t have gotten through last year without them, so I want to make a point of meeting them and thanking them personally, for impacting my life in the way that they did.
  6. Celebrate more! I have a habit of being negative and focusing on the bad for most of my life. This is my reminder to look at the positives more often. I want to celebrate the positives and embrace them a lot more. I want to maximise the amount of positivity that I bring out in others and for that, I need to start with myself.
  7. Do more for charity! I absolutely love doing things for other people. I want to do at least two big fundraising events for this year, one of which will be a walk/marathon. I want to raise money for charities that are close to my heart such as the Meningitis Trust and Children in Need.
  8. Eat better! Its no secret that I have an eating disorder. Its no secret that I have battled with my weight for most of my life. However, I am trying my very hardest to get over my eating disorder. I have managed to put on a few pounds and for me, that’s a massive achievement. I have finally got some meat on me again and my ribs are slowly becoming less obvious. I am trying not to be disgusted every time I step on the scales and notice a gain.
  9. Read one new book a month! I absolutely love reading and I have so many books that I want to read but haven’t got around to them yet. I want to dedicate at least an hour or so into reading them every night once little lady is in bed.
  10. Try one new hobby a month! I want to try new things and try to increase my skill range. I mean I can already play a few instruments, I know how to read music and I love to write but there is so much more that is on offer in the world that I want to broaden my skills and see what other things I might be able to do.
  11. Spend less time glued to my phone! A lot of us spend a fair amount of time on our phones, generally scrolling aimlessly through social media and not really doing anything productive. I want to stop this habit and spend more of my time focusing on the things that matter, like my daughter and my blog. Of course, being a social media addict, I know I will still spend time scrolling for no reason, but hopefully it will be a lot less time than I do now.
  12. Write more letters! I love the idea of getting a written letter. There is nothing that shows more thoughtfulness as well as time and effort as a handwritten letter. I want to focus on finding and maintaining pen pals and bringing back snail mail.

What plans have you got for this year? What are the things that you want to get out of 2020 that you may not have gotten from previous years? Are you like me and can’t stick to resolutions, or have you made some anyway? Let me know either by leaving a comment or getting in touch. Once again, thank you for all your support and for reading what I have to say. As always, you can find me on Facebook, twitter and Instagram or even email me on RariAyliffe@OpenUpWithMe.com. I wish you all a happy new year and remember to keep smiling.

Categories
Monthly Update!

The end of a decade…

A lot can happen in a year. This time last year, I was coming up to a very dark patch. I started cutting again and even went to the train station ready to end my life. I was prepared to leave my daughter without a mother, and yes, I am aware of how much of a prick that makes me. I was underweight, and having trouble eating. I was living in a toxic environment and couldn’t see any way out. I was afraid of opening up to my boyfriend, because I knew he resented me and because of it, he didn’t care the way he should have. I started this year with 5 cuts on wrist, thankfully only three of them were deep enough to scar. I started this year closer to people that I had met a few months earlier, compared to my family and partner. I didn’t quite understand just how low I was going to get or how I was going to get out of it.

This year taught me a lot!

I learnt that not everyone in your life is meant to be around, or even deserves a place in your life. I learnt that some of my best friends, are people that I speak to once a week, however its always like no time has passed. I learnt that I deserved better than what some people could give and that’s not their fault. I learnt that time and circumstances can change a lot of things, including feelings. I learnt that music will always save me if I let it. I learnt more about being a mother and the kind of mother I want to be. I learnt that just because you’re related to people, doesn’t mean they have an automatic right to be in your life, if they are toxic or offer nothing better than negativity, then they shouldn’t be around.

However, I am thankful for this year because it has been one of my hardest. It pushed and pulled me more than any year before. It tested me more than I thought possible, but it also brought more happiness and love than I thought existed. I realised more about who I am as a person and more about the things that I went through. I left a relationship that despite all the positive parts, wasn’t working and since then we have both come a long way. I found that I deserve more happiness than I give myself credit for, I also know I need to stop living in the past and beating myself up for past mistakes because I have come a long way from the person I was at the start.

I got back in contact with some people that continue to change my life each and every day. I found my way to someone who was my best friend during my school years, and even though neither of us are those girls anymore, our friendship has grown and transformed into something far greater. She is someone that I will always be able to count on, and I know there are days where she feels like she can’t handle what life throws at her, I am there to remind her how far she has come. She is smashing goals and reaching dreams and I am so thankful to have even a tiny part in her life.

I have also learned that I live in my own head most of the time. I tend to believe what my head is telling me, even if logic is telling me that it’s not true. I will shut people out if I think they are getting too close because its easier to blame myself. I already think so little of myself that it’s not hard to believe what I know to be lies by others. Most of the time I am aware but there are times that I don’t know what to believe, and the negatives always seem more likely. I learned that I need to work on my emotions, and I am hoping that I will be able to do that via therapy… IF the person I’m supposed to be talking to doesn’t mumble like a dick. I learnt that I am the first to shut down and turn myself off in an argument. I will act like I don’t care even if I do. Its easier when people leave that way.

I realised that I am probably the reason many people leave. I am very closed off. If I get the slightest impression that you’re getting ready to leave my life, I will push you out so that I can always blame myself. I turn people aware even if I know they are trying to help me. I can’t help it. I am so scared of being alone that I make sure I spend most of my time that way. At least then no one can get close enough to hurt me again. I learnt that I have a wall. Its supposed to keep me safe, to keep out people that only have negative intentions, however, I end up shutting everyone out because I have lost touch with what is true and what isn’t.

I learnt that I believe I am a failure nine out of ten days and because of it, want to quit more times than I do. I look at where I wanted to be and how many things just went downhill and how I still punish myself for not being able to do what I should. I realised that just because this isn’t where I saw myself ten years ago, its still a step up! I spend most of my days with the cutest little lady that I could have created, I must know all about the silly things like Paw Patrol and Trolls. I have to recite the names as she picks up her figurines repeatedly. I put up with films like Frozen, Trolls and Moana on repeat for weeks at a time and I wouldn’t change it because her smile is worth it. I may not have a striving law career, but I have a little lady who depends on me and that tops it!

I have grown in a huge way. I started to be the mother I should have been all along. I haven’t quite stopped punishing myself for the post-natal depression, but I am making sure that is not the person I continue to be. I have tried to let people in, even if I do have a fear of it. I have started to build a life that I want to be proud of, however I still have a long way to go. I know what I want to do with my life, and hopefully once my mind and I aren’t at war, I can start reaching my goals. Just because I’m not there right now, doesn’t mean I won’t get there. I get to end this year with celebrating my beautiful daughters’ birthday and then celebrating Christmas with her face for the first year in our flat. And I can’t wait.

As the door on 2019 closes, I am looking forward to the new decade. I am going to be stronger and happier because that’s what my daughter deserves. I will be taking on new challenges and hopefully finishing my novel that just sits in my creative writing folder that I haven’t touched in months. I will be spending more time with the people I call my best friends and creating memories with our children in places that we spent time in our youth. I will be making memories with my daughter and showing her that happiness comes from inside. People can only affect you if you let them. I will be leaving behind the saddest parts of the decade and looking to my future. It has the power to be whatever I want to make it. I will learn to love myself the way I should. I will learn to appreciate everything that makes me unique and those that make me a force to reckoned with.

I want to thank every single person that has been reading my blog for the duration of this year. It’s been up, its been down but most of all, its been real. Its one of the only ways I can release my emotions in a way that doesn’t have any restrictions. Thank you for giving me a space to do that and for giving me the support that you have. My blog has brought me many new faces that have changed my way of thinking and helped me not give up on it when I wanted too. As always, you can check out my Facebook page, Instagram and Twitter to keep up dated on all things blog related. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re having a positive time and don’t forget to keep smiling. Ferrari ❤

Categories
Mumma Life!

It’s been a while…

It’s been a while since I wrote and oh my goodness, do I have so much to tell you amazing readers. I thought it was about time I gave you all an update and an answer for my few months of ghosting my blogging site. It’s not that I have forgotten about any of you, it’s that so much happened in such a short space of time that I needed to gather my thoughts and make something of myself.

Back in September, I got my first flat in my hometown with my baby girl. What was supposed to be a fresh start for us all, turned into a girl’s place for me and my little princess! And if I’m honest, I am finally starting to have a more positive outlook. It’s taken two months, but the flat is looking more like a home than just a moving sight. Thing’s are starting to find their own places and slowly but surely, we are building up a routine that works for both of us.

After four and a half years, Kieran and I have decided to call it a day on our relationship. We had many issues that we never worked through and instead they got pushed back for our daughter to be our focus. We stopped acting like a couple and were co-existing for the sake of her. It’s heart breaking to know that she doesn’t have her two parents under the same roof but it’s going to work out for the best. She will be lucky and have two loving homes filled with parents that adore her more than she will ever realise.

I will not pretend to be the innocent party in the breakup, I was far from it. He tried to love me for all my faults, but we couldn’t make it work. For nearly two years, I have felt like I trapped him. Our daughter was conceived during one of our break ups, and since then, I have felt like he only stuck around for the sake of a child. We stopped paying attention to our issues and focused all our time on Luna. I wish we had done the mature thing and went our separate ways before all the extra drama but that wasn’t the case. I tried to make it work for her sake, as I know he did, but it wasn’t enough. That’s okay, because not everything in this life was meant to work out.

Mentally, I wasn’t okay. I was exhausted. I wasn’t bonding with Luna, I tried to avoid doing things with her because I didn’t want to hurt her or fuck her over. I stopped taking care of myself and didn’t care much for my appearance. I would pretend to be okay for the sake of everyone else. I buried things in the hopes that they would disappear and it’s only recently that I realised just how much it was affecting me.

Since the breakup and him moving out, I have turned the flat into a home. I have done things that I asked him to do and got bored of waiting for. I have organised Luna’s room into a child friendly place and given her a place to call her own. I have managed to get control of my eating and although it’s still not at the routine it should be, I am getting better. But I’m also learning how to be a mother because I have been failing recently.

Its only been since Kieran left, that I realised how much I was thankful for him for. I will not start to badmouth him, but it was definitely an eye opener. I realised how much I relied on him and how much he did without me asking. I am beyond pleased to say that 9/10 times he’s a great dad, which is far better odds than how I was as a mother until a week or two ago. Luna is learning that rubbish goes in the bin and will take it there herself. She is learning to put toys away after herself and that tantrums will not get you attention. But oh, my word, it’s so difficult.

I love my little lady more than anyone will ever know, but she has pushed me to breaking point so many times that I’ve rang Kieran or my mum in tears because I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t cope with telling her off and having to listen to her cry for me. I couldn’t cope with her hitting me and worse, I couldn’t cope with not being her dad. He is her idol and for the almost two years of her life, he did way more than I ever did.

Being a mum is by far one of the most rewarding titles, but it will never cost me my daughter. I may have many areas in which I was lacking, but I am trying my hardest to change that. I am finally getting out of the depression that I sunk so deep into. I am finally recognising the happiness in each and every day. But most of all, I’m finally starting to look on the brighter side to living. Sure, it’s hell sometimes. And I hope that many of you will continue this journey with me.

Lastly, I want to say thank you to every person that liked my Facebook page dedicated to my blog. Unfortunately, that was tied to an account I no longer have access too. I will however be making a new one and I hope that you will all give that one the same love and support that you gave the last. I hope to be blogging more often now and have already started making plans for Blogmas next month! It’s going to be brilliant (I hope). Thank you all for the love and support I have received recently, especially to those that saw I was struggling and held out the arms to welcome me in. I truly appreciate it. You can still catch me on Instagram and twitter by clicking either of those links and I hope to have a new Facebook page up soon. Hopefully it won’t be as long next time, but until then, keep smiling. Ferrari.

Since I posted it, I have now managed to create a new Facebook page, so if you could all go give it a like, I would really appreciate it. 🙂