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Who am I?

50 facts you may or may not know…

Many of you have been following my blog for some time now, however I am starting to notice an increase in not only the different people that are interacting with my blog but also an increase in places around the world that I haven’t quite seen regularly. So, I thought about writing a post telling you 50 facts you may or may not know about me.

  1. I have a love/hate relationship with my biological name. I was bullied a lot because I have the name of a car, but its different and I am yet to meet another one.
  2. I was named after a Ferrari Testarossa because my dad figured it would be as close as he’d come to having one.
  3. I could have been called Stephanie or Witchie… I know what you’re thinking… WHAT THE FUCK!
  4. I was due on Halloween; probably explains why I’m so fucked up! Thankfully I decided to grace the world with my presence three weeks before avoiding this date!
  5. I cannot stand gold jewellery. I think it looks tacky and cheap. That is just my opinion. I have yet to see a gold bracelet and think “that looks expensive”.
  6. My daughter was named after my favourite character from Harry Potter; Luna Lovegood, as well as sharing her middle name with both me and my aunt.
  7. My favourite number is 7!
  8. Jacqueline Wilson was the reason I wanted to be a writer. I love all her books from Double Act, to Girls in Love, to Tracy Beaker.
  9. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder within the last 14 months.
  10. I may be right-handed when it comes to writing, but I do a fair number of things with my left.
  11. Although I do like tea, I’m not a massive tea drinker. Given half a choice, I’d take a hot chocolate hands down.
  12. My favourite character of all time is Tinkerbell and she’s the one I probably relate to the most, with Peter Pan being one of my all-time favourite books.
  13. I have a nine-year-old cat called Magnificent who is a miniature tabby and I miss her terribly. She lives at my mums.
  14. I am a sucker for the Sims collection! I love creating families and stories and absolutely love how you can create generations with families that just don’t die out. Of course, the creative side of building is also a big plus.
  15. The first concert I ever went to was Professor Green in Brixton, however my favourite was seeing Eminem at Wembley and being in the inner circle!
  16. I was selected and attended a film school in London but had to give it up due to seizures.
  17. I can play the clarinet, piano, cornet, horn, trumpet and read music because of my time in church.
  18. I was also a girl guide and brownie in my youth.
  19. Me and my best friend have nicknames for each other that use the same letters. She’s my Lemon and I’m her Melon. Which was a total accident.
  20. Me and my little sister Beaudicea are the only two in our family to have unusual names. Everyone else’s are relatively normal.
  21. All my best friends have disliked me at one stage or another.
  22. I am very opinionated, stubborn and argumentative.
  23. I used to want to be a gymnast but was told I was too big.
  24. I left school with three different qualifications in maths… and I thought maths was universal apparently its more diverse than that.
  25. I was diagnosed with Addison’s Disease and told I would have it for life, only to be told I didn’t have it after 6 years of steroids.
  26. My favourite accent is the Australian one and I couldn’t tell you why.
  27. I will drink Coca-Cola but not Pepsi or Dr. Pepper.
  28. My favourite alcoholic drink is Unicorn Gin and Bubble-gum Fizzy Drink. If you haven’t tried it already, I would strongly recommend it!
  29. I am apparently high maintenance… I’m named after an expensive car… of course I am.
  30. When I’m in a bad mood or feeling like my emotions are getting the better of me, I stick my headphones in and switch the world out.
  31. I have a habit of keeping a wall up to protect myself from others.
  32. I am obsessed with the colour pink!
  33. I have suffered with alopecia since I was 16.
  34. I find it easier to get along with guys because I have more in common with them.
  35. I love wrestling and cricket.
  36. I love to cook and often will try and cook new things.
  37. I tried lobster for the first-time last year and it was delicious.
  38. I cannot stand people touching my feet. It makes me cringe!
  39. I find noisy chewers really irritating!
  40. I’m a lousy girl… I hate shopping, don’t follow fashion and only pamper myself if I think I really have too.  
  41. My favourite period of our history is the Tudor Period. I find it highly interesting.
  42. I am absolutely petrified of clowns, china dolls, masks… basically anything with a face that isn’t human.
  43. I broke my left wrist by falling off a rope swing when I was 11.
  44. My first job was at Dominos and it put me off pizza for so long. I only started eating it again when I went to university.
  45. I still remember all the songs from Barney because I was obsessed as a child. Honestly, if I play Barney to Luna, I always end up singing along.
  46. I am emotionally unstable.
  47. I am way too forgiving. I have forgiven people for hurting me, even at times when I know I shouldn’t. I’m just not forgiving when it comes to my daughter.
  48. I got to see Tom Daley dive at the FINA World Diving Series at the London 2012 Aquatic Centre before the Olympics, and it was brilliant.
  49. I own way too many board games!
  50. I am 26 and I still feel like I have no idea who I am.

Well there we go. 50 facts about me and oh my goodness, was that difficult to write. I am sorry if they aren’t as interesting as you thought they would be. What else would you like to know? Let me know by getting in touch via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or by emailing me… Maybe I can do another one in the future. I hope wherever you are in the world, you are having a good day/night and enjoying yourself and as always, keep smiling.

Categories
Update❤️

It’s that time again…

If any of you follow me on my forms of social media, you would have seen that I posted a poll a few days ago regarding an update on my blog. I got about 7 votes with 4 for status update and 3 for a new post. So as I sat there, writing my update for you guys, I realised that the post would have been too long for a status so a blog post it is!

Firstly, I want to thank each and every person that visits my blog. For the last year, I have had an average of 120+ people visiting it each month and that makes me so proud! I cant believe that people all over the world are reading what I have to say. That is just incredible and figured it was about time for a major overhaul!

  • I want to write more. I feel like so many of you take the time to read what I write, even though sometimes, I feel like its just a load of words thrown together, you guys still support me and because of it, I want to give you more content! I have written up a plan with a blog post coming every other day of next month as a trial!
  • I want to increase engagement. Next month, I have a couple of post ideas that would be brilliant with the help of my amazing followers on my social media! Whether its facebook, twitter or insta, I want my readers to be able to engage more and help me create better content that you readers actually want to read!
  • Setting new targets. My original target for my blog was to get 50 followers and I am two away! That is incredible and I am so thankful to every single person that has signed up to read what a 25 year old from a small town in England thinks and feels. I surpassed my target for my facebook page of 50 followers and I am currently sitting at 76. I smashed that target and gained over 20 followers in one day and I am thankful to those that shared my page. You are helping my out more than you know. I wouldn’t be able to write, if I didn’t feel like what I say matters.
  • Interviews! I want to get out and meet more people that have impacted my life and helped me in ways that I can’t explain. I want my readers to see how and why these people continue to inspire me, each and every day! I want to engage with more of my followers and have their say in things that are affecting them.
  • A Podcast. It’s in the early stages, but I am proud to announce that me and my niece will be teaming up on a new venture together. It will be coming out in the new year, with more details to come as we get closer to the dates we have set. We have always been extremely close, not only in age but our bond is greater than just that of an aunt and niece, and we can’t wait to share it with you. If you’re on twitter, get following @ShitsGiggsPod for updates and news relating to it! We are hoping to roll out
  • Design! I have looking at different apps to try and give my blog more of a professional feel to it, with feature photos, better editing, and an attempt at planning my posts with more research.

Over the next few months, I will be rolling out some changes and trying to make my blog more of a personal touch. I am also looking into going private and paying for my own domain which gives me so many more options as well as the chance to start making my blog more of me and not a robot. I want to expand and I hope that all of you amazing people will be with me on the next parts to my journey. I want to thank those that have reached out to me because my blog has helped them personally or helped explain to others what it’s like. I have such a big heart that I love hearing from you guys and you can always message me. Whether its about mental health issues or you need a distraction, you can always reach out to me without fear or judgment.

I want to do my bit to bring a light to issues. I want to help people that aren’t okay right now but I also want to share my journey with you because it helps to know you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out, whether its facebook “openupwithmeblog”, twitter – @Openupwithme or Insta @OpenUpWithMe. What do you think of my blog? What do you think I should work on? What is an issue or topic that is close to your heart? I want to hear from you! As always, thank you for reading and I hope no matter where you are in the world, that you find a reason to smile. Ferrari.💞

 

 

Categories
Health❤️

I wanted my smile for so long…

I spent so long working up the courage to finally go to the dentist and get my smile back. I worked hard on being able to sit in the dentists chair without freaking out and having panic attacks. I overcame the fear that arose every time a needle was mentioned and I would literally swing my arms and legs about if I thought for a second that you were going to come anywhere near my teeth before I was ready.

I had a dentist who would say he was numbing your mouth, and he did, but he started the work long before your mouth was numb. I had my own mother hold me down because I was petrified and all she did was add fuel to the flames. I had reasons after reasons for avoiding the dentist. I mean I could brush my teeth a thousand times, but the stomach acid that I was bringing up was going to do more damage than brushing them could ever fix. I could have stopped eating the stuff that I was, but atleast I was eating and that mattered to me more.

Last Thursday, I had 12 teeth ripped from my mouth with countless stitches and I was so over the moon. The pain didn’t matter because I had my smile back and that was all that I wanted for the longest time. I wanted to not be ashamed of my teeth. I wanted to be able to talk and smile without having something in front of my mouth. The dentist put me on paracetamol, ibuprofen and dihdrocodeine and by Monday, I was back up the doctors getting something stronger because I was crying my eyes out. After taking a look at how swollen and sore my mouth was, I was prescribed tramadol. Two days later, I was back up the doctors getting antibiotics because there was an infection in one of the gaps which of course meant I was in even more pain.

I haven’t eaten a full meal since last Wednesday. I cant chew because its still way too sensitive. I have an ulcer appear where the denture sits on my gums because its constantly rubbing and I have swallowed way too much salt water to ever want to go near the ocean again. I am still in pain over a week after it happened and today I cried my eyes out. I cried because, for the first time in 9 days, I want my horrid teeth back. I want to be able to eat a meal, hell i’d settle for being able to suck on cake without it hurting. I cried because today, even though I love my smile, I wanted to go backwards.

I know that my teeth will be worth it. I know that of course I should expect pain, I had 12 teeth out and that’s a big operation. But right now, I am in a vulnerable state. I am in pain and I do spend most of my time sleeping or taking tablets. I am so thankful that Kieran has managed to be amazing, like he always is with Luna and has been doing an incredible job looking after her whilst I’ve been recovering. Thank you to my amazing friends who have rang me countless times to check up on me and thank you Liam for always letting me wake you up when I’m awake in pain. Thank you all for not letting me go through this by myself.

 

Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

A smile is the best accessory you can wear…

Yesterday, it’s no secret that I went back to the dentist like I have been every few weeks for the past few months. Only the last few visits have been preparing me for the work that I had done. They had been doing the fillings, here and there so that when they put me under, the could rip out 12 teeth and they wouldn’t have to put me through it twice. I made my way, for one of the final times to Guys Hospital and got my teeth removed. They inserted a partial denture and I don’t think I have stopped smiling since!

I am a happy person and for years, I smiled without a care in the world. However, due to a life threatening condition, an eating disorder and pregnancy, really did a number on my teeth and I got the point where I hid my smile. I knew people were judging me for how bad they were and they were my front teeth. There was no way to hide it. I would smile as long as my mouth was closed. I talked with my hand in front of my mouth a lot so I could feel like no one was seeing it. Only they were.

For years, I have battled with my self confidence! For years, I struggled with wanting to go out and talk to people. I struggled because it didn’t matter how much I brushed them or flossed them because the acid in my stomach was worse. I’ve had countless people ask me what was wrong with them, why they cracked and crumbled and why they were missing. Yet every question, pushed me further into a depression because I used to love my smile. My eyes and my smile were the only two things I actually loved about myself. It was something that made me who I was!

It took me years to get back into a dentist’s chair. It took me endless chats with some of the greatest friends I’ve got. I was so scared and paranoid that they were just going to rip them out, that I put off going even more. I was scared for every needle, for every procedure but I did it. I went back again and again with one of my best friends and my niece, as they held my hands and told me it was all going to be okay. Every single person I confided in, was amazing! My friends spoke to me every time I was anxious about going, the nurses and dentists at Guys were all brilliant.

Today, I have not stopped smiling. I may have a mouth full of hole and stitches but I have something much more than pain! I’m on three different pain killers, and my mouth didn’t stop bleeding until last night. But I have teeth, and yes, most of the top set is fake and I couldn’t care because I have my smile back! My smile and my confidence is slowly working its way back. I may have been scared. I may have cried and I may have walked out a hundred times, but I still went back and I’m so glad that I did. Because my fear, may not be completely gone but I am working on it.

I am so thankful for every single person that has been a part of my journey to getting my smile back. Thank you to my niece and Liam for coming with me, time after time, thank you to the staff that gave me my smile. And thank you to my close friends who were there.

I still have to go back for my reviews and hopefully it’s all good news but I’m still scared. Even though I’m not having work done, I still have to go and sit in that chair. But hopefully, I’ll be in a better place. Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Lifestyle❤️

Bullying…

I am pretty sure that every single person that is alive right now has experienced bullying in one way or another. Because of the progression of the internet, it has become so much easier, with there not really being a safe place that we can hide from. It can take so many different forms whether it is physical, mental, emotional or verbal. And every single one of them are really bad on a person.

Noun – A person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidate those whom they perceive as vulnerable. ‘He is a ranting, domineering bully’.
Verb – Seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable) ‘her 11- year-old son has been constantly bullied at school’, ‘a local man was bullied into helping them’ – https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/bully

I was in primary school when I first started to get bullied. In fact, I was bullied relentlessly in primary school, and the first of my two secondary schools. I hate to write my next statement but I then in turn became a bully. I will never say that it was because I was a horrible person, because I’m not. I just got sick of being the one getting attacked especially for things that was no others concern. So, to every single person I ever belittled in my childhood, to those that I made feel worse about themselves, to those that I made dread to come to school, I’m more sorry than you will ever know! I should never have taken my frustration out on you because you weren’t the ones responsible for the years of abuse I got, and you never deserved my retaliation.

I was bullied from an early age because of my name and then when they found out about my home life, it just got worse. I come from a single parent background, grew up and still live in a council house, with severally autistic brothers who I would defend until my last breath. I have had every dig, every joke and every comment possible in regards to having a car name. That wasn’t bad. I can handle the comments about my name, after all, they just didn’t like the fact they had boring names and my parents had a bit of creativity in their choice… well my dad did, my mum let him choose my name and here I am, with the name Ferrari that I have had pretty much all my life. What I couldn’t handle was them making comments about my family, saying how my brothers must have been inbred because of their disability, saying how my family were low and scum because of where we grew up and because none of us every had the latest toys or trainers.

Now, before I learnt what a back bone was, I took all the bullying personally. I mean I had enough going on at home that meant anything else on top of that was enough to weigh me down. School and seeing my friends were my escape from a less than perfect home life and to experience bullying was awful. I had this best friend who I called ‘blue eyes’ and he was my best friend during my primary school days, right up until I moved a few months before my 12th birthday and I honestly could never thank him enough. We used to hang out every day after school, in the square by his house. One of the girls that used to hang around with us, told him that he shouldn’t be my friend because I’m a skank and poor and blah blah blah… Funnily enough, her whole family hated my family and I couldn’t ever work out why… He was probably my first ever true friend because he never paid attention to what she said, he didn’t care if she didn’t like me because I was his friend and that’s all that mattered. We still keep in contact today.

I was lucky. Although I was bullied, it was all verbal. They never hurt me physically which is a positive thing. But emotionally, I was exhausted. When I started secondary school, one of the girls that was bullying me in primary, went to the same school as me. This meant that I got bullied from a whole new group of girls. All the words, all the taunts, all the nastiness, had worked me up to the point I didn’t want to go to school. However, it was never physical. By the time I had moved to the second of my two schools, I had become a bitch. The company I kept wasn’t exactly the most friendliest and if she hated someone, you generally had to hate them too. It was during my time at secondary school that bullying took on a whole different level.

I had so many rumours going round the school, some started by people I thought were friends and others started by people that wished they had my attention. According to the rumours, I had slept with most of my hometown (still isn’t true), I had apparently slept with my step brother (again, another lie. I don’t even have a step brother). I had all these different lies made up by people who had nothing better to do. It got worse when social media became a big thing. There were new ways to broadcast my alleged life, even with most of it being bullshit. I had people trying to put me down and make me feel like shit because of things I hadn’t done. I would get called fat and ugly, incest, a slut, a whore, a homewrecker, an attention seeker, and although they were all just words, they grated on me and slowly destroyed my self confidence and I still don’t really have it back. I mean my best friend used to call me fat and tell me I had saggy boobs and bum all the time, she told me how I was a slut because I had sex a lot, but why did it really matter to her? I mean she was the one who started the rumour that I slept with my step brother, she was also the one who tried a few times to break up me and my ex, even slept with him herself… She was still my best friend until a few years ago. However, she would have you believe that I’m the negative person. Turns out, my best friend had been manipulating me for years, knocking me down as much as she could to make herself better, and I helped her because I thought she was right. I thought she was the best and she really wasn’t.

I was lucky in the sense that I always knew who my bullies were. I didn’t have to worry about my online presence so much, because it was relatively new. I mean there were platforms that was asking for trouble but I tried to stay away from them. My bullies never attacked me physically, but they did damage the person I thought I was. For a long time, I would avoid those people because they always brought negative emotions. Loads of people, especially school children now are experiencing bullying and most of it is coming from behind a computer. This now means that people aren’t safe in their own homes because they can still be victimised.

I said earlier that I had bullied a few people and even though it was never intentional and I didn’t set out to hurt them, I just had a vicious tongue that I know how to use to attack people and that’s a bad thing. I had stood there and watched as my ‘friends’ would make jokes about people and id laugh and agree. I was a bitch for that and I am so sorry. I should have known better but I still helped to make your day worse. And I will carry that around with me because those people didn’t deserve to feel like shit because I was being bullied. Being bullied is not an excuse to bully others.

Recently, I saw that a girl who used to make comments about me, has been receiving them herself and my heart felt sorry for her. Nobody deserves to get bullied or harassed for things that are of no concern for anyone else. No one deserves to feel like they aren’t worthy of being alive or appreciated. You are! Just because someone has developed an opinion on you, doesn’t make it true. Their opinions on who you are and how you live your life don’t matter, as long as you are happy with it. So what can we do to change it?

  • Be careful of the words you use in anger. Because those words could be the dagger someone needed to quit.
  • If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t talk. If you can’t better someone’s life, then don’t add to it at all.
  • Don’t let other people dertermine how you feel about yourself. You are a light to someone and they need you.
  • Just because people are pricks to you, doesn’t mean that you deserve it nor does it mean that the whole world will treat you that way. The opinions of a few don’t matter.
  • Trust and love yourself! Because, you are one hell of person! You have emotions and beauty. You have hope and desire. You have the power to change the world, so don’t let that change be a negative one.

Be a positive change in this world. Because your words, your actions and your choices will have an affect on others. Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Lifestyle❤️

I hate job hunting…

I seriously think that job hunting is one of the worst things that I currently seem to be doing a lot of. It’s not like I can just stop searching for a job… well I could but I really hate not working. I know a few of you would be sitting there wondering what happened considering a few weeks ago I was still uploading selfies before work on social media but unfortunately I had to give the job up. I loved working for LPCH, but the truth was, the environment didn’t agree with my already complicated immune system. If I’m honest, it was the first time in a while, that I actually felt gutted about leaving a job, even though I had been there a month. Everyone that I met through working there is lovely, and I have plans to meet up with a few of them soon. But my health wouldn’t have been able to handle it. So here I am again, searching for a job.

I think a big part of why I hate job hunting, is because no matter what qualifications I have, I never feel like I’m good enough. I hate filling out application forms and writing about myself even more! I have no self confidence. I doubt myself in pretty much every area of my life and because of this, I hate the idea that I have to ‘sell’ why I should be employed by the company or what skills I could bring to a job role and my mind just goes blank. I mean I am good at a lot of things but most of them things I can’t exactly put under “reasons to hire me”.

Now when it comes to working, I am pretty useless. I had the same job for four years and that was purely because I didn’t have to work every day so if I was sick, I could just not work and it would have been fine. Okay, the times that I agreed to work and then got sick will always weigh on my mind but generally, I worked as much as my body could handle. Then I went to an office where I was surrounded by loads of people, who had different germs, colds and whatnot, just swimming around in the air because of the air con. I loved working in that environment but the air con just kills my immune system more than it already is. I got to the stage where I was getting sicker on antibiotics because of a new infection. However, I realised I loved working with computers and the fact that every person I spoke to was different which meant I heard a range of accents and got to be a part of someone’s day all over the country.I realised that I loved getting dressed up for work. I loved putting on smart clothes and actually feeling like an important person and I loved working in an office.

So with this in mind, all of today I have been applying for jobs and I must have applied for over 50 with still more to go. But I can’t help but feeling like I just wont get employed. Which employer really wants someone who has a compromised immune system? It doesn’t matter how fast I learn how to work or how easily it comes to me, unless I can actually make a difference for the company. If I could be employed based on my personality and skill, I know, I’d have a pretty high chance. But unfortunately that isn’t the case. I have to find a way to write about myself that promotes who I am rather than worrying that I’m unemployable. I hate not working and every day that I’m out of work, is another day that I feel like I’m failing Luna.

What do you hate most about job hunting? Let me know on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Thank you for reading. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

No one can fault you for trying…

Write what should not be forgotten. – Isabel Allende

Everything I write on my blog, will be on the big wide world of the web. So I want to use it as a place to be remembered. I want people to be able to use my blog to express how they’re feeling when they can’t find the words… the only problem being sometimes I don’t even know the words to express how I feel. I am way too harsh on myself, and wont post something if I find it awful… probably why I have over 45 drafts… And I’ve found that it’s so much easier to write when I’m not at war with myself. So what do I do when I am at war with myself? I cry. A lot. Because I hate not being able to express myself through my words.

I can get myself into such a state. I am living with constant rollercoaster and I’m pretty sure the downs wouldn’t be as bad if I opened up when they were happening. I know I should, okay? I’m very much aware of the complications I create myself, but it’s not as simple as that to me. My brain has so much trouble with the ‘grey’ area, and even though it may not seem like it, I am working on that. It’s just hard. To me, a simple thing, would be blown way out of proportion because of the way I can’t express myself depending on the mood I am in. Sometimes I am so easy to get along with. I can take a joke and everything is great. However, sometimes I just lose control, and all the little things getting to me become too much.

I worry that the “little things” aren’t so little. I worry that those problems, will be too much and there’s no turning back, which is why I don’t discuss them. Then, when all the little ones build up, I lose it and by that point, there isn’t a chance to turn back. Slowly i’m accepting that I need to address things quickly, but I also need those nearest to me to understand that when I say I’m okay, its because I don’t want to talk about it and its not an invitation to ask further questions. That is one sure way, not to get me to open up.

I get so scared that people are going to leave me because of some of the thoughts that go through my head. There are times where I know I am being stupid but for some reason I can’t stop myself, its a defense mechanism. I get so scared people are going to leave so I push them away before they get a chance. Or, they get too close and I have to shut them out because IF they were to leave, it would utterly destroy me. I don’t believe that I am enough, I was hurt so badly that I can’t accept it when things are going well. That same fear creeps in because my past has taught me that even the ones that are supposed to never leave, will. So the ones that say they will never leave, still could.

I have walls up for my own protection. There are days where my existence feels lonely and isolated, because the fear has grown so strong, that I have no choice but to suffer in silence. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that my feelings are sometimes overbearing. I can be completely rational one moment and the slightest change in my feelings, will cause my brain to do a complete 180 and I can’t slow it down or even stop it. I feel like I can’t love myself so why should anyone else. I lose count of how much I ask that I’m enough because I have never felt like it. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have no confidence when it comes to myself. Yet, I can put on one hell of a persona, and that persona would have you believe that I could do anything I set my mind too. The truth is, I’m so scared to be who I really am, because who I am is emotional and overwhelming. My mind is a whirlwind but sometimes, its more of a blessing than a curse.

Nothing in this world is easy, I know that from my hard past. Yet, I am still fighting so that has to count for something. I still write, even though I think there isn’t a point some days. I still try because if I do give up, I’m teaching Luna that it’s okay to stop when things get too tough. The truth is, you can take a break. Sometimes a break from all situations will do you more good than you realise. I may not have been able to write for a while, but I’m still trying.

I battle myself each and every day. I don’t think I can remember when I didn’t battle myself over something. I battle whether or not to bring something up or to bury it till it finds its own way out later. I battle whether to walk out my door and face people even though I feel like a failure. I battle with every thought and feeling, questioning if it’s rational or not. So remember that the next time I do decide to open up. Because I would have battled myself for hours on whether or not to say something.

Every one has their own battles, and most of the time, we can’t see them. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t pushing through them and trying. It’s the ones that don’t give up, even when life gives them so many reasons too. I try even on the days where I feel like running and hiding. Sometimes I fail and that takes a serious toll on me. But on the times that I don’t, I know nobody can take it away from me. This life with borderline is hard, but I haven’t stopped trying yet.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️