Categories
Mumma Life!

My one and only…

Anyone who is a parent, knows that when it comes to their child, they come first most of the time. They put their children above nearly everything they do, only occasionally taking time out for themselves. And I’m no exception to that. My daughter is and will always be the most important person in my life. I have done things for her, that I would never have imagined. But if I didn’t, I could honestly say I would have been putting my needs above hers.

Luna is an amazing, funny, sweet, caring and truly delightful little lady who I have the pleasured privilege of calling my daughter. She is truly intelligent, loves music and brightens up my darkest moments just by being herself. She amazes me each and every day, from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to sleep, she is perfect and beyond describable with words. Just a few minutes with her, and I can guarantee that your mind would have been changed.

I knew when I gave birth, that I was going to face problems that I wished I didn’t and I’m not going to lie, most of the time I don’t know how to overcome them, but I try my best with my daughters wellbeing at the forefront of my mind. And I remember sitting with her father and talking about many what if scenarios. And one of the things we spoke about was, what if people pretend to want to be in her life only not to bother months later.

My daughter is almost 3. And I can honestly say that so much has changed in the past 3 years, that those who met Luna when she was a baby, would be shocked if they could see her now. That so many people who swore to stand by my baby’s side, have turned their back on her and forgotten she existed.

I swore that I would do anything in my power, to make sure that no one ever hurt my little girl. I swore that she would only have people in her life that wanted the best, that put in the effort and that treated her like she deserved to be treated. I swore that I would put her first and make sure that she is surrounded by those that love and protect her. She is the most important person in my life and I would do anything to make sure that she is happy and loved.

Luna has such a special bond with my sister and her boyfriend, my niece and my baby sister and brother. She has amazing bond with her father and with her pop pops. She loves her babe (Leanne, my best mate) and even my best friend overseas. She is loved by Nicole and by Stevi. And I’m thankful that she has so many people that put so much time and effort into spending time with her, even if its a simple video call to check up on her.

If you phoned her, you’d know that she loves to play with her bubbles, she loves to show off her teddys and do her ABC’s. She would run around showing you her exercises, telling you colours of things and making random food combinations. She would tell you how she’s mummy’s princess and how she loves the moon. She would dance around the room to her favourite songs, play on her keyboard and play hide and seek.

But it doesn’t matter, because to various members of her family, wouldn’t know that. They wouldn’t know because they don’t bother with her. They miss out on her and all her little quirks. Some of her family have never met her, they don’t know that her favourite fruit is strawberries, or her favourite teddy is Skye. They don’t know that she watches Cars and will dance around the soundtrack or that right now, she absolutely loves watching Sing because of the different music in it. They don’t know that she learned to walk later than most girls, but hasn’t stopped running circles around everyone in her life. They haven’t seen the way her face lights up when she see’s animals or how she asks for a goat atleast once a week.

There is only one person I have ever said, will not be welcome in Luna’s life. That’s because when Luna was born, both her father and I gave this woman a chance to prove that she can be a stable person in Luna’s life and she repaid me by trying to get my daughter taken off me on neglect charges… neglect over someone she has never met or even spoke to. Everyone else, I let them have many chances. I let them pretend to care, to send gifts but never actually making an effort. I let them pay for things for her, without them even engaging in her life because I have too, otherwise she’d have very little family.

But it hurts. It hurts that my daughter misses out on seeing or hearing from her family because they simply don’t remember she exists. I can’t remember the last time they actually put effort into her and that upsets me. They’ve missed out on two birthdays so far, and yet I have to keep giving them chances because otherwise I’m seen as a bitch. I love my daughter, and I want her to have the best chance in life, which means biting my tongue when it comes to the lack of effort put in by her family since we moved.

Luna is my world. She is the brightest star in the night sky, and the bluest skies during the day. She has an infectious smile and the biggest cuddles that make you feel better instantly. She is my ray of sunshine and my moon in a pitch black sky. She gave me the best title of all, mum and that’s a title I embrace. I just wish her family could see how important she is. That even at this young age, she’s one of the best things to ever happen to them.

So to my daughter, I love you little lady, and even though there a list of people who can’t be bothered with you, there is a longer more detailed list of people that would support and love you each and every day. The list of those who adore you, will always be longer than the list of people missing out. I can’t force them to be more involved in your life, but I will spend a lifetime making up for their lack of effort. Because you are the best person in my life, the strongest and sassiest little girl that I couldn’t imagine a life without. You changed my life for the better, so in turn, I will make sure I give you the best life I can.

To all those that have family that they haven’t bothered with in a while, pick up the phone and just talk to them. Tell them you’re thinking of them and that they will always have a place in your life because family is one of the strongest bonds you can have. Thank you all for reading my post, it means a lot to have your support, and I promise to try and write more. No matter what you’re doing, if you need a chat or someone to pick you up, I will try my best, just don’t be afraid to get in touch. You can find me on twitter, facebook or Instagram. And remember wherever you are in the world, whatever your feelings are right now, just smile because the world needs to see it.

Categories
Give Thanks!

100 Blog Posts!

Today marks my 100th blog post for OpenUpWithMe and I thought I’d use this post to celebrate.

I’ve come a long way since I started writing back in semi consistently back in 2018. I have covered a range of topics from mental health, being a first time mum as well as my own personal battles and accomplishments. I had the absolute privilege to interview one of my favourite upcoming singer/songwriters as well as creating fun lists that just distract my mind a little. I’ve covered many issues that are prominent in a life filled with BPD and still manage to take time to process it all.

In the last few years, I’ve come a long way emotionally and mentally but still have far to go. I’ve taken small steps and overcome things I thought I wouldn’t. And I’ve lost people I thought I would have had in my life forever.

I gained and lost one of my best friends. And even though that hurt and cut deep, I wont continue to be upset about it. Because even though they are no longer in my life, I am more thankful for them than many others I have lost over the two years. Without them, this blog wouldn’t be what it is today because I wouldn’t have been holding on for the possibility of a brighter future. I owe them so much, and there will always be a space for them in my life because I owe them it. They talked me down from suicide, spent hours on the phone to me, trying to distract me from the negatives and spent hours texting me so that I never felt alone. So thank you!

I’ve had some of highest highs and the lowest lows and it was always my best friends that picked me up and helped me see sense. I am truly lucky to have so many people looking out for me. I am lucky to have so many people to turn to in my lowest times, even if I don’t when I know deep down I should.

In almost two years, I have had some amazing feedback, and created bonds that go beyond just writing. I have been fortunate enough to inspire so many others to write their own journeys, to piece together their own feelings and to put pen to paper and write what they know. I have had countless people write to me, expressing how I’ve helped them and that they are thankful I’m writing because I have found the words to say when they couldn’t. I now have over 115 followers, over 3900 views and more than 2000 visitors. My words have been viewed in countries around the world by people I have never met. My blog wont ever be the biggest or most popular but I have helped more people than I thought I would and that has been my greatest reward. The stats don’t matter unless my words mean something to someone.

When I first started this blog, it was to process my thoughts and feelings and now its turned into something more. I have been planning blog posts, thinking of ideas and trying to make my blog something more. I love writing, its one of the best ways I found of expressing the things that I have trouble saying. Last year, I saved up to pay for my own website and to try and make it even bigger, however I feel like a part of me done it prematurely. And as of August this year, this sites domain will change back to the original one.

Thank you to every single reader. To every person that has been in touch and to every person that has followed me and pushed me to write more, thank you. Thank you to every single person that has sat up with me and been there when I’ve had trouble writing. Thank you to the few people that I love more because they have pushed me and each every day.

As this blog piece comes to an end, my blog however will continue. I will continue to write pieces and find ways to keep pushing on with all this craziness. If anyone wants to get in touch, you can find me on twitter, facebook and Instagram. I’ll answer any time of day because every single person in this world matters. I hope where ever you are in the world, you’re happy and healthy. So until the next time, I hope that no matter what, you never lose your smile.

Categories
Who am I?

50 facts you may or may not know…

Many of you have been following my blog for some time now, however I am starting to notice an increase in not only the different people that are interacting with my blog but also an increase in places around the world that I haven’t quite seen regularly. So, I thought about writing a post telling you 50 facts you may or may not know about me.

  1. I have a love/hate relationship with my biological name. I was bullied a lot because I have the name of a car, but its different and I am yet to meet another one.
  2. I was named after a Ferrari Testarossa because my dad figured it would be as close as he’d come to having one.
  3. I could have been called Stephanie or Witchie… I know what you’re thinking… WHAT THE FUCK!
  4. I was due on Halloween; probably explains why I’m so fucked up! Thankfully I decided to grace the world with my presence three weeks before avoiding this date!
  5. I cannot stand gold jewellery. I think it looks tacky and cheap. That is just my opinion. I have yet to see a gold bracelet and think “that looks expensive”.
  6. My daughter was named after my favourite character from Harry Potter; Luna Lovegood, as well as sharing her middle name with both me and my aunt.
  7. My favourite number is 7!
  8. Jacqueline Wilson was the reason I wanted to be a writer. I love all her books from Double Act, to Girls in Love, to Tracy Beaker.
  9. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder within the last 14 months.
  10. I may be right-handed when it comes to writing, but I do a fair number of things with my left.
  11. Although I do like tea, I’m not a massive tea drinker. Given half a choice, I’d take a hot chocolate hands down.
  12. My favourite character of all time is Tinkerbell and she’s the one I probably relate to the most, with Peter Pan being one of my all-time favourite books.
  13. I have a nine-year-old cat called Magnificent who is a miniature tabby and I miss her terribly. She lives at my mums.
  14. I am a sucker for the Sims collection! I love creating families and stories and absolutely love how you can create generations with families that just don’t die out. Of course, the creative side of building is also a big plus.
  15. The first concert I ever went to was Professor Green in Brixton, however my favourite was seeing Eminem at Wembley and being in the inner circle!
  16. I was selected and attended a film school in London but had to give it up due to seizures.
  17. I can play the clarinet, piano, cornet, horn, trumpet and read music because of my time in church.
  18. I was also a girl guide and brownie in my youth.
  19. Me and my best friend have nicknames for each other that use the same letters. She’s my Lemon and I’m her Melon. Which was a total accident.
  20. Me and my little sister Beaudicea are the only two in our family to have unusual names. Everyone else’s are relatively normal.
  21. All my best friends have disliked me at one stage or another.
  22. I am very opinionated, stubborn and argumentative.
  23. I used to want to be a gymnast but was told I was too big.
  24. I left school with three different qualifications in maths… and I thought maths was universal apparently its more diverse than that.
  25. I was diagnosed with Addison’s Disease and told I would have it for life, only to be told I didn’t have it after 6 years of steroids.
  26. My favourite accent is the Australian one and I couldn’t tell you why.
  27. I will drink Coca-Cola but not Pepsi or Dr. Pepper.
  28. My favourite alcoholic drink is Unicorn Gin and Bubble-gum Fizzy Drink. If you haven’t tried it already, I would strongly recommend it!
  29. I am apparently high maintenance… I’m named after an expensive car… of course I am.
  30. When I’m in a bad mood or feeling like my emotions are getting the better of me, I stick my headphones in and switch the world out.
  31. I have a habit of keeping a wall up to protect myself from others.
  32. I am obsessed with the colour pink!
  33. I have suffered with alopecia since I was 16.
  34. I find it easier to get along with guys because I have more in common with them.
  35. I love wrestling and cricket.
  36. I love to cook and often will try and cook new things.
  37. I tried lobster for the first-time last year and it was delicious.
  38. I cannot stand people touching my feet. It makes me cringe!
  39. I find noisy chewers really irritating!
  40. I’m a lousy girl… I hate shopping, don’t follow fashion and only pamper myself if I think I really have too.  
  41. My favourite period of our history is the Tudor Period. I find it highly interesting.
  42. I am absolutely petrified of clowns, china dolls, masks… basically anything with a face that isn’t human.
  43. I broke my left wrist by falling off a rope swing when I was 11.
  44. My first job was at Dominos and it put me off pizza for so long. I only started eating it again when I went to university.
  45. I still remember all the songs from Barney because I was obsessed as a child. Honestly, if I play Barney to Luna, I always end up singing along.
  46. I am emotionally unstable.
  47. I am way too forgiving. I have forgiven people for hurting me, even at times when I know I shouldn’t. I’m just not forgiving when it comes to my daughter.
  48. I got to see Tom Daley dive at the FINA World Diving Series at the London 2012 Aquatic Centre before the Olympics, and it was brilliant.
  49. I own way too many board games!
  50. I am 26 and I still feel like I have no idea who I am.

Well there we go. 50 facts about me and oh my goodness, was that difficult to write. I am sorry if they aren’t as interesting as you thought they would be. What else would you like to know? Let me know by getting in touch via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or by emailing me… Maybe I can do another one in the future. I hope wherever you are in the world, you are having a good day/night and enjoying yourself and as always, keep smiling.

Categories
Update❤️

It’s that time again…

If any of you follow me on my forms of social media, you would have seen that I posted a poll a few days ago regarding an update on my blog. I got about 7 votes with 4 for status update and 3 for a new post. So as I sat there, writing my update for you guys, I realised that the post would have been too long for a status so a blog post it is!

Firstly, I want to thank each and every person that visits my blog. For the last year, I have had an average of 120+ people visiting it each month and that makes me so proud! I cant believe that people all over the world are reading what I have to say. That is just incredible and figured it was about time for a major overhaul!

  • I want to write more. I feel like so many of you take the time to read what I write, even though sometimes, I feel like its just a load of words thrown together, you guys still support me and because of it, I want to give you more content! I have written up a plan with a blog post coming every other day of next month as a trial!
  • I want to increase engagement. Next month, I have a couple of post ideas that would be brilliant with the help of my amazing followers on my social media! Whether its facebook, twitter or insta, I want my readers to be able to engage more and help me create better content that you readers actually want to read!
  • Setting new targets. My original target for my blog was to get 50 followers and I am two away! That is incredible and I am so thankful to every single person that has signed up to read what a 25 year old from a small town in England thinks and feels. I surpassed my target for my facebook page of 50 followers and I am currently sitting at 76. I smashed that target and gained over 20 followers in one day and I am thankful to those that shared my page. You are helping my out more than you know. I wouldn’t be able to write, if I didn’t feel like what I say matters.
  • Interviews! I want to get out and meet more people that have impacted my life and helped me in ways that I can’t explain. I want my readers to see how and why these people continue to inspire me, each and every day! I want to engage with more of my followers and have their say in things that are affecting them.
  • A Podcast. It’s in the early stages, but I am proud to announce that me and my niece will be teaming up on a new venture together. It will be coming out in the new year, with more details to come as we get closer to the dates we have set. We have always been extremely close, not only in age but our bond is greater than just that of an aunt and niece, and we can’t wait to share it with you. If you’re on twitter, get following @ShitsGiggsPod for updates and news relating to it! We are hoping to roll out
  • Design! I have looking at different apps to try and give my blog more of a professional feel to it, with feature photos, better editing, and an attempt at planning my posts with more research.

Over the next few months, I will be rolling out some changes and trying to make my blog more of a personal touch. I am also looking into going private and paying for my own domain which gives me so many more options as well as the chance to start making my blog more of me and not a robot. I want to expand and I hope that all of you amazing people will be with me on the next parts to my journey. I want to thank those that have reached out to me because my blog has helped them personally or helped explain to others what it’s like. I have such a big heart that I love hearing from you guys and you can always message me. Whether its about mental health issues or you need a distraction, you can always reach out to me without fear or judgment.

I want to do my bit to bring a light to issues. I want to help people that aren’t okay right now but I also want to share my journey with you because it helps to know you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out, whether its facebook “openupwithmeblog”, twitter – @Openupwithme or Insta @OpenUpWithMe. What do you think of my blog? What do you think I should work on? What is an issue or topic that is close to your heart? I want to hear from you! As always, thank you for reading and I hope no matter where you are in the world, that you find a reason to smile. Ferrari.💞

 

 

Categories
Health❤️

I wanted my smile for so long…

I spent so long working up the courage to finally go to the dentist and get my smile back. I worked hard on being able to sit in the dentists chair without freaking out and having panic attacks. I overcame the fear that arose every time a needle was mentioned and I would literally swing my arms and legs about if I thought for a second that you were going to come anywhere near my teeth before I was ready.

I had a dentist who would say he was numbing your mouth, and he did, but he started the work long before your mouth was numb. I had my own mother hold me down because I was petrified and all she did was add fuel to the flames. I had reasons after reasons for avoiding the dentist. I mean I could brush my teeth a thousand times, but the stomach acid that I was bringing up was going to do more damage than brushing them could ever fix. I could have stopped eating the stuff that I was, but atleast I was eating and that mattered to me more.

Last Thursday, I had 12 teeth ripped from my mouth with countless stitches and I was so over the moon. The pain didn’t matter because I had my smile back and that was all that I wanted for the longest time. I wanted to not be ashamed of my teeth. I wanted to be able to talk and smile without having something in front of my mouth. The dentist put me on paracetamol, ibuprofen and dihdrocodeine and by Monday, I was back up the doctors getting something stronger because I was crying my eyes out. After taking a look at how swollen and sore my mouth was, I was prescribed tramadol. Two days later, I was back up the doctors getting antibiotics because there was an infection in one of the gaps which of course meant I was in even more pain.

I haven’t eaten a full meal since last Wednesday. I cant chew because its still way too sensitive. I have an ulcer appear where the denture sits on my gums because its constantly rubbing and I have swallowed way too much salt water to ever want to go near the ocean again. I am still in pain over a week after it happened and today I cried my eyes out. I cried because, for the first time in 9 days, I want my horrid teeth back. I want to be able to eat a meal, hell i’d settle for being able to suck on cake without it hurting. I cried because today, even though I love my smile, I wanted to go backwards.

I know that my teeth will be worth it. I know that of course I should expect pain, I had 12 teeth out and that’s a big operation. But right now, I am in a vulnerable state. I am in pain and I do spend most of my time sleeping or taking tablets. I am so thankful that Kieran has managed to be amazing, like he always is with Luna and has been doing an incredible job looking after her whilst I’ve been recovering. Thank you to my amazing friends who have rang me countless times to check up on me and thank you Liam for always letting me wake you up when I’m awake in pain. Thank you all for not letting me go through this by myself.

 

Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

A smile is the best accessory you can wear…

Yesterday, it’s no secret that I went back to the dentist like I have been every few weeks for the past few months. Only the last few visits have been preparing me for the work that I had done. They had been doing the fillings, here and there so that when they put me under, the could rip out 12 teeth and they wouldn’t have to put me through it twice. I made my way, for one of the final times to Guys Hospital and got my teeth removed. They inserted a partial denture and I don’t think I have stopped smiling since!

I am a happy person and for years, I smiled without a care in the world. However, due to a life threatening condition, an eating disorder and pregnancy, really did a number on my teeth and I got the point where I hid my smile. I knew people were judging me for how bad they were and they were my front teeth. There was no way to hide it. I would smile as long as my mouth was closed. I talked with my hand in front of my mouth a lot so I could feel like no one was seeing it. Only they were.

For years, I have battled with my self confidence! For years, I struggled with wanting to go out and talk to people. I struggled because it didn’t matter how much I brushed them or flossed them because the acid in my stomach was worse. I’ve had countless people ask me what was wrong with them, why they cracked and crumbled and why they were missing. Yet every question, pushed me further into a depression because I used to love my smile. My eyes and my smile were the only two things I actually loved about myself. It was something that made me who I was!

It took me years to get back into a dentist’s chair. It took me endless chats with some of the greatest friends I’ve got. I was so scared and paranoid that they were just going to rip them out, that I put off going even more. I was scared for every needle, for every procedure but I did it. I went back again and again with one of my best friends and my niece, as they held my hands and told me it was all going to be okay. Every single person I confided in, was amazing! My friends spoke to me every time I was anxious about going, the nurses and dentists at Guys were all brilliant.

Today, I have not stopped smiling. I may have a mouth full of hole and stitches but I have something much more than pain! I’m on three different pain killers, and my mouth didn’t stop bleeding until last night. But I have teeth, and yes, most of the top set is fake and I couldn’t care because I have my smile back! My smile and my confidence is slowly working its way back. I may have been scared. I may have cried and I may have walked out a hundred times, but I still went back and I’m so glad that I did. Because my fear, may not be completely gone but I am working on it.

I am so thankful for every single person that has been a part of my journey to getting my smile back. Thank you to my niece and Liam for coming with me, time after time, thank you to the staff that gave me my smile. And thank you to my close friends who were there.

I still have to go back for my reviews and hopefully it’s all good news but I’m still scared. Even though I’m not having work done, I still have to go and sit in that chair. But hopefully, I’ll be in a better place. Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Lifestyle❤️

Bullying…

I am pretty sure that every single person that is alive right now has experienced bullying in one way or another. Because of the progression of the internet, it has become so much easier, with there not really being a safe place that we can hide from. It can take so many different forms whether it is physical, mental, emotional or verbal. And every single one of them are really bad on a person.

Noun – A person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidate those whom they perceive as vulnerable. ‘He is a ranting, domineering bully’.
Verb – Seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable) ‘her 11- year-old son has been constantly bullied at school’, ‘a local man was bullied into helping them’ – https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/bully

I was in primary school when I first started to get bullied. In fact, I was bullied relentlessly in primary school, and the first of my two secondary schools. I hate to write my next statement but I then in turn became a bully. I will never say that it was because I was a horrible person, because I’m not. I just got sick of being the one getting attacked especially for things that was no others concern. So, to every single person I ever belittled in my childhood, to those that I made feel worse about themselves, to those that I made dread to come to school, I’m more sorry than you will ever know! I should never have taken my frustration out on you because you weren’t the ones responsible for the years of abuse I got, and you never deserved my retaliation.

I was bullied from an early age because of my name and then when they found out about my home life, it just got worse. I come from a single parent background, grew up and still live in a council house, with severally autistic brothers who I would defend until my last breath. I have had every dig, every joke and every comment possible in regards to having a car name. That wasn’t bad. I can handle the comments about my name, after all, they just didn’t like the fact they had boring names and my parents had a bit of creativity in their choice… well my dad did, my mum let him choose my name and here I am, with the name Ferrari that I have had pretty much all my life. What I couldn’t handle was them making comments about my family, saying how my brothers must have been inbred because of their disability, saying how my family were low and scum because of where we grew up and because none of us every had the latest toys or trainers.

Now, before I learnt what a back bone was, I took all the bullying personally. I mean I had enough going on at home that meant anything else on top of that was enough to weigh me down. School and seeing my friends were my escape from a less than perfect home life and to experience bullying was awful. I had this best friend who I called ‘blue eyes’ and he was my best friend during my primary school days, right up until I moved a few months before my 12th birthday and I honestly could never thank him enough. We used to hang out every day after school, in the square by his house. One of the girls that used to hang around with us, told him that he shouldn’t be my friend because I’m a skank and poor and blah blah blah… Funnily enough, her whole family hated my family and I couldn’t ever work out why… He was probably my first ever true friend because he never paid attention to what she said, he didn’t care if she didn’t like me because I was his friend and that’s all that mattered. We still keep in contact today.

I was lucky. Although I was bullied, it was all verbal. They never hurt me physically which is a positive thing. But emotionally, I was exhausted. When I started secondary school, one of the girls that was bullying me in primary, went to the same school as me. This meant that I got bullied from a whole new group of girls. All the words, all the taunts, all the nastiness, had worked me up to the point I didn’t want to go to school. However, it was never physical. By the time I had moved to the second of my two schools, I had become a bitch. The company I kept wasn’t exactly the most friendliest and if she hated someone, you generally had to hate them too. It was during my time at secondary school that bullying took on a whole different level.

I had so many rumours going round the school, some started by people I thought were friends and others started by people that wished they had my attention. According to the rumours, I had slept with most of my hometown (still isn’t true), I had apparently slept with my step brother (again, another lie. I don’t even have a step brother). I had all these different lies made up by people who had nothing better to do. It got worse when social media became a big thing. There were new ways to broadcast my alleged life, even with most of it being bullshit. I had people trying to put me down and make me feel like shit because of things I hadn’t done. I would get called fat and ugly, incest, a slut, a whore, a homewrecker, an attention seeker, and although they were all just words, they grated on me and slowly destroyed my self confidence and I still don’t really have it back. I mean my best friend used to call me fat and tell me I had saggy boobs and bum all the time, she told me how I was a slut because I had sex a lot, but why did it really matter to her? I mean she was the one who started the rumour that I slept with my step brother, she was also the one who tried a few times to break up me and my ex, even slept with him herself… She was still my best friend until a few years ago. However, she would have you believe that I’m the negative person. Turns out, my best friend had been manipulating me for years, knocking me down as much as she could to make herself better, and I helped her because I thought she was right. I thought she was the best and she really wasn’t.

I was lucky in the sense that I always knew who my bullies were. I didn’t have to worry about my online presence so much, because it was relatively new. I mean there were platforms that was asking for trouble but I tried to stay away from them. My bullies never attacked me physically, but they did damage the person I thought I was. For a long time, I would avoid those people because they always brought negative emotions. Loads of people, especially school children now are experiencing bullying and most of it is coming from behind a computer. This now means that people aren’t safe in their own homes because they can still be victimised.

I said earlier that I had bullied a few people and even though it was never intentional and I didn’t set out to hurt them, I just had a vicious tongue that I know how to use to attack people and that’s a bad thing. I had stood there and watched as my ‘friends’ would make jokes about people and id laugh and agree. I was a bitch for that and I am so sorry. I should have known better but I still helped to make your day worse. And I will carry that around with me because those people didn’t deserve to feel like shit because I was being bullied. Being bullied is not an excuse to bully others.

Recently, I saw that a girl who used to make comments about me, has been receiving them herself and my heart felt sorry for her. Nobody deserves to get bullied or harassed for things that are of no concern for anyone else. No one deserves to feel like they aren’t worthy of being alive or appreciated. You are! Just because someone has developed an opinion on you, doesn’t make it true. Their opinions on who you are and how you live your life don’t matter, as long as you are happy with it. So what can we do to change it?

  • Be careful of the words you use in anger. Because those words could be the dagger someone needed to quit.
  • If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t talk. If you can’t better someone’s life, then don’t add to it at all.
  • Don’t let other people dertermine how you feel about yourself. You are a light to someone and they need you.
  • Just because people are pricks to you, doesn’t mean that you deserve it nor does it mean that the whole world will treat you that way. The opinions of a few don’t matter.
  • Trust and love yourself! Because, you are one hell of person! You have emotions and beauty. You have hope and desire. You have the power to change the world, so don’t let that change be a negative one.

Be a positive change in this world. Because your words, your actions and your choices will have an affect on others. Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️