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Other!

A break up…

Break ups happen all the time, whether they break up amicably or resentfully, they still decided to call it a day on their relationship. They decided to end the trying and call it quits. It’s a horrible thing to go through most of the time but sometimes, you know it’s just not working. Sometimes relationships aren’t meant to last, no matter how much you want them too.

Recently, I went through a breakup with someone who many people didn’t like, but to me, that didn’t matter. They weren’t the ones dating him, and even though there were some really low points, the highs were bloody amazing. I got really lucky to create such great memories with a guy I will always treasure. I got to spend time and get to know someone who has a history of being closed off, and it doesn’t matter how long or short we dated, I feel really lucky to have been let in to his heart, because once you get in there, his a different person.

I can’t count how many times I’ve cried, I can’t pretend to be okay about it. I have good moments during the day where I briefly forget about the truth of the situation, then something small would trigger every emotion I’ve tried to hide. I woke up this morning, and for a brief second, I looked at my phone like I had countless times before, and went to message you. Only to realise that we aren’t together, we don’t talk and that really sucks.

It hurts when you love someone as much as you possibly can, but it’s just not enough. For whatever reason, it’s just not working and you have two choices, to try and find a way to make it work or to just give up and walk away. It’s hard enough to love someone knowing that you just make them unhappy. It’s hard knowing no matter how much you try, you will never be enough for them, so in order for them to find what they need, they leave.

I wish I could just switch off how I felt. I wish I could just pretend that I’m okay, when in truth, I keep crying. Just thinking about them, leaves me in tears wishing that I could erase my memory. It sucks because all I think is what I could have done to make them happy, if I could have made anything better but that’s not the way I should be thinking.

Its hard enough to love someone you can’t have, but its even harder to know that even though you tried, you weren’t enough. It is hard to know that love couldn’t conquer the world, that even though you wanted to get through everything with that person, it just wasn’t enough. Love is one of the most powerful feelings in the world, its the love of ourselves that we make sure we are happy, the love of others that makes us want to keep in touch and be there in the time of need, and the love of our hobbies that make us want to keep doing them. However there is no cure when that love disappears and all you’re left with is heartache.

Right now, my heart aches. My mind is working overtime. All I want is to be in his arms, to look him in the eyes and tell him I love him more than words could express. That I would have gone through hell and back with him by my side, but it hurts knowing that it wasn’t enough. It hurts knowing I wont be seeing his smile or kissing his lips. It hurts knowing that the only choice I have, is to let go and move on… I just never thought it would happen.

I love you. I have for a while and I probably will for a while still. That everywhere I look, I’m surrounded by our memories and hints of you. I am sorry that I wasn’t what you needed and even more than I just made you worse. But still, I love you. I love you on your darkest days, on the days your angry and just need to vent and even when you have a smile that could turn heads. I just hope that even though we may be over, that our story has ended and our future is no longer together, that you can find happiness in things without turning on the negatives. I hope that you laugh more than you cry and live more than you have been. But know that not one second do I regret of us, not one moment makes me wish we never started and not one day has gone by where you haven’t been the most important guy on my mind.

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Mumma Life!

My one and only…

Anyone who is a parent, knows that when it comes to their child, they come first most of the time. They put their children above nearly everything they do, only occasionally taking time out for themselves. And I’m no exception to that. My daughter is and will always be the most important person in my life. I have done things for her, that I would never have imagined. But if I didn’t, I could honestly say I would have been putting my needs above hers.

Luna is an amazing, funny, sweet, caring and truly delightful little lady who I have the pleasured privilege of calling my daughter. She is truly intelligent, loves music and brightens up my darkest moments just by being herself. She amazes me each and every day, from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to sleep, she is perfect and beyond describable with words. Just a few minutes with her, and I can guarantee that your mind would have been changed.

I knew when I gave birth, that I was going to face problems that I wished I didn’t and I’m not going to lie, most of the time I don’t know how to overcome them, but I try my best with my daughters wellbeing at the forefront of my mind. And I remember sitting with her father and talking about many what if scenarios. And one of the things we spoke about was, what if people pretend to want to be in her life only not to bother months later.

My daughter is almost 3. And I can honestly say that so much has changed in the past 3 years, that those who met Luna when she was a baby, would be shocked if they could see her now. That so many people who swore to stand by my baby’s side, have turned their back on her and forgotten she existed.

I swore that I would do anything in my power, to make sure that no one ever hurt my little girl. I swore that she would only have people in her life that wanted the best, that put in the effort and that treated her like she deserved to be treated. I swore that I would put her first and make sure that she is surrounded by those that love and protect her. She is the most important person in my life and I would do anything to make sure that she is happy and loved.

Luna has such a special bond with my sister and her boyfriend, my niece and my baby sister and brother. She has amazing bond with her father and with her pop pops. She loves her babe (Leanne, my best mate) and even my best friend overseas. She is loved by Nicole and by Stevi. And I’m thankful that she has so many people that put so much time and effort into spending time with her, even if its a simple video call to check up on her.

If you phoned her, you’d know that she loves to play with her bubbles, she loves to show off her teddys and do her ABC’s. She would run around showing you her exercises, telling you colours of things and making random food combinations. She would tell you how she’s mummy’s princess and how she loves the moon. She would dance around the room to her favourite songs, play on her keyboard and play hide and seek.

But it doesn’t matter, because to various members of her family, wouldn’t know that. They wouldn’t know because they don’t bother with her. They miss out on her and all her little quirks. Some of her family have never met her, they don’t know that her favourite fruit is strawberries, or her favourite teddy is Skye. They don’t know that she watches Cars and will dance around the soundtrack or that right now, she absolutely loves watching Sing because of the different music in it. They don’t know that she learned to walk later than most girls, but hasn’t stopped running circles around everyone in her life. They haven’t seen the way her face lights up when she see’s animals or how she asks for a goat atleast once a week.

There is only one person I have ever said, will not be welcome in Luna’s life. That’s because when Luna was born, both her father and I gave this woman a chance to prove that she can be a stable person in Luna’s life and she repaid me by trying to get my daughter taken off me on neglect charges… neglect over someone she has never met or even spoke to. Everyone else, I let them have many chances. I let them pretend to care, to send gifts but never actually making an effort. I let them pay for things for her, without them even engaging in her life because I have too, otherwise she’d have very little family.

But it hurts. It hurts that my daughter misses out on seeing or hearing from her family because they simply don’t remember she exists. I can’t remember the last time they actually put effort into her and that upsets me. They’ve missed out on two birthdays so far, and yet I have to keep giving them chances because otherwise I’m seen as a bitch. I love my daughter, and I want her to have the best chance in life, which means biting my tongue when it comes to the lack of effort put in by her family since we moved.

Luna is my world. She is the brightest star in the night sky, and the bluest skies during the day. She has an infectious smile and the biggest cuddles that make you feel better instantly. She is my ray of sunshine and my moon in a pitch black sky. She gave me the best title of all, mum and that’s a title I embrace. I just wish her family could see how important she is. That even at this young age, she’s one of the best things to ever happen to them.

So to my daughter, I love you little lady, and even though there a list of people who can’t be bothered with you, there is a longer more detailed list of people that would support and love you each and every day. The list of those who adore you, will always be longer than the list of people missing out. I can’t force them to be more involved in your life, but I will spend a lifetime making up for their lack of effort. Because you are the best person in my life, the strongest and sassiest little girl that I couldn’t imagine a life without. You changed my life for the better, so in turn, I will make sure I give you the best life I can.

To all those that have family that they haven’t bothered with in a while, pick up the phone and just talk to them. Tell them you’re thinking of them and that they will always have a place in your life because family is one of the strongest bonds you can have. Thank you all for reading my post, it means a lot to have your support, and I promise to try and write more. No matter what you’re doing, if you need a chat or someone to pick you up, I will try my best, just don’t be afraid to get in touch. You can find me on twitter, facebook or Instagram. And remember wherever you are in the world, whatever your feelings are right now, just smile because the world needs to see it.

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Other!

Some things aren’t better off as secrets…

I had every post of this month planned out and up until a few days ago, I was doing so well at sticking to it. However, it came to the mental health post and I realised I couldn’t pretend and write how I was in a much better place compared to last year. I mean I have been, but that’s been down to a few reasons. I want to be honest and open right now, without naming names. Those closest to me already know but I was asked not to mention this on any forms of social media… I am however, choosing to ignore that and write about it anyway.

A few months ago, I found my reason to smile again. I got with someone who I had known for years and someone that I wanted just as much. We originally started getting closer around five years ago, but due to complications, such as leaving for uni, nothing ever amounted to anything. A few months ago, we got back in contact and at first it seemed like everything had changed, that we were too completely different people to those people 5 years previous, but I quickly found out that wasn’t the case.

There was never any doubt in my mind that I wanted anyone but him. The day I finally got that chance, I swore that I would try my absolute hardest to make it work. Because in my opinion, nobody came close. I had spent so long wishing I had a chance, then when I finally got it, I took it with both hands.

To begin with, everything was peachy. We wrote each other handwritten notes, we took pictures together, I was smiling, and life was going well. He picked me up at a time when I needed someone, and he tried to make sure that I stayed up. He taught me so many things I didn’t know, like how to be a better mother to Luna, how to be stronger and stand up for myself, how to face the world. I could do anything because he was by my side. We did everything together! There was nothing that gave me more joy than seeing him with Luna and the bond they created. He made me a better person today, than when we got together, and I know that I brought out some good things in him too. He made life choices that were for the better and started to pick his life back up and I was and will always be so proud of how strong he was and how much he tried to fight his demons. I’m just sorry that I turned into one.

I honestly thought we could get through anything. I thought I had found my future and I wasn’t prepared to let anything get between that. But I did. I let my insecurities and doubt eat me alive. We started to shut each other out. We both had things we were dealing with and we stopped confiding in each other. We stopped making time for each other and started doing everything apart. This slowly grated at me. Here I was, with the guy that brightened my birthday when it felt like the worst one yet, there was this guy that didn’t have to try too hard to get me to smile because he brought it out so easily. But because of how much I loved him, it meant that I would self-destruct and let my mind play tricks on me. I was so scared of losing him, that in the end, I ended up pushing him away. Digs started to happen, and arguments turned sour. I stopped finding ways to make things better. I continued to believe that I couldn’t make him happy. That he was only with me for this or that. That he wouldn’t want me. It was so easy to believe because I think so little of myself that I believed he deserved better.

I would never say I regret our relationship, because there is nothing in this life that he has had a part in that I regret. He found me and helped me beyond words. He brightened most of my days. He had his bad parts sure, but I never stopped loving him. He was the first guy that I could be in an argument with and continue to smile whenever I thought about them. He was the only guy that made me feel like I was something to someone. He put me so high on a pedestal that when I fell, I hit the floor at such a force.

The moment you turned away as you said goodbye, I shut the door and broke down into tears. Tears because I had forced this to happen. Tears because I was hurting, and I couldn’t take it. Tears because I had given up when I believed there was no other way to save us. Tears because I love you so much that it was breaking me. I sat in your dressing gown that had your smell over it and cried. I looked in every direction and there was some sort of reminder that a hole had built. I never wanted it to come to that. I wanted to find a way to make it work but I wanted us both to want it and I stopped believing in you.

How was it fair that for ten years I waited for something to last four months and to break me at the end of it? How was it fair that even after we went separate ways, that I couldn’t stop finding things in you? How was it fair that we went through so much, only to be torn apart? How is it fair that you could never see how much you meant to me? How is it right that we hurt like this?

I wanted to believe with my whole heart, that we were the strongest I had ever known. I wanted to believe that we could have faced everything and won. But there were so many things stopping me from telling you the truth. Telling you how scared I really was. How much I just wanted to hide because opening up to you meant doing something, I had trained myself not to. I wanted to run into your arms whenever I got scared but then I realised id never have left.

I became someone who couldn’t be what I wanted. I believed that I couldn’t make you happy. I believed I was bringing you down instead of picking you up. And that affected me in ways I should have shared. I wish that I knew a way to fix us. I wish I knew how to make us okay because I would, in a heartbeat. Maybe one day, we would be able to talk and try to fix this. But for now, I want you to know that a relationship with you is worth so much but not at the expense of losing ourselves. If I could find a way to make this right, I would!

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Who am I?

What family means to me…

Family is more than the bonds you share with those that have similar DNA, its also about your extended family. The ones you may not be directly related too or even related to at all, but the connection that you share.

My family is difficult. My mum and I haven’t always gotten on and we have clashed more times than I care to remember and my dad wasn’t around as much as I would have liked, but they are still my parents and I love them more than words could ever express. I have siblings that have hated me more times than I want to think about. Easy to say I clash with just about every one of them which is probably more my fault than anyone else’s but that’s why I made a promise that I would never have a home environment like the one I was brought up in. A big part of my extended family has made little to no effort with me or my siblings, but this isn’t a bashing about why they weren’t a part of my life because I had amazing friends that made up for it.

On the days when I felt like my life wasn’t a priority for my parents (I have disabled brothers who were the priority and rightly so), I turned to some of the best friends I could have possibly asked for. My best friends are as much family as my sisters and brothers, only they stick around through choice. They have helped raise me into the person I am today. I mean, if you were to speak to my best friend throughout school, she would say that we raised each other and sometimes we didn’t always have the right intentions, but we still made it.

Family isn’t about blood, its about the ones that stick by your side on your darkest days. They are the ones that may not be in touch all the time but that you can count on if you really need them. My family are the ones that I don’t think id be here without. My best friends have sat up with me after heartaches, have held my hair back whilst I puked my guts up and made me food to make sure that I’ve eaten.

I never wanted Luna to have to worry about family that weren’t around. The ones that send gifts to make up for their lack of trying and putting an effort in. The ones that have never so much as heard her voice let alone seen her smile. I always said I would protect her from those that didn’t have her as a priority, but I can’t. However, the family that aren’t related are the ones trying and coming around to spend time with her on a regular basis. The ones that facetime her once a week just so she knows that they are not as far away as she thinks. I mean she sees my mother and siblings practically every day since that’s where her father lives, but they are building a connection with her. They are the ones trying and putting the effort in.

Family isn’t about the ones that buy you gifts to make up for their lack of love. They aren’t the ones that buy your affection. They are the ones that would travel to the ends of the earth to help you out. And I’m super lucky, because mine goes beyond just my siblings. I have cousins who would move heaven and earth to make sure that I’m okay. I have aunts and uncles who know some of my darkest secrets but aren’t always around. They don’t have to send expensive gifts because they are just around the corner and I can see them whenever I need too. But I have the greatest friends I could ask for! Because they are my family and I wouldn’t know who I was or where I was going without their love and support. You guys are awesome! Thank you for not giving up on me. For fighting with me but loving me regardless!

What about you? What does family mean to you? Is it people you share DNA with regardless of their presence in your life? Are you like me and count your friends as your family? Let me know. Reach me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Email me! I hope you and your families are loved and connected throughout your lives and remember, keep smiling.

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Mumma Life!

It’s been a while…

It’s been a while since I wrote and oh my goodness, do I have so much to tell you amazing readers. I thought it was about time I gave you all an update and an answer for my few months of ghosting my blogging site. It’s not that I have forgotten about any of you, it’s that so much happened in such a short space of time that I needed to gather my thoughts and make something of myself.

Back in September, I got my first flat in my hometown with my baby girl. What was supposed to be a fresh start for us all, turned into a girl’s place for me and my little princess! And if I’m honest, I am finally starting to have a more positive outlook. It’s taken two months, but the flat is looking more like a home than just a moving sight. Thing’s are starting to find their own places and slowly but surely, we are building up a routine that works for both of us.

After four and a half years, Kieran and I have decided to call it a day on our relationship. We had many issues that we never worked through and instead they got pushed back for our daughter to be our focus. We stopped acting like a couple and were co-existing for the sake of her. It’s heart breaking to know that she doesn’t have her two parents under the same roof but it’s going to work out for the best. She will be lucky and have two loving homes filled with parents that adore her more than she will ever realise.

I will not pretend to be the innocent party in the breakup, I was far from it. He tried to love me for all my faults, but we couldn’t make it work. For nearly two years, I have felt like I trapped him. Our daughter was conceived during one of our break ups, and since then, I have felt like he only stuck around for the sake of a child. We stopped paying attention to our issues and focused all our time on Luna. I wish we had done the mature thing and went our separate ways before all the extra drama but that wasn’t the case. I tried to make it work for her sake, as I know he did, but it wasn’t enough. That’s okay, because not everything in this life was meant to work out.

Mentally, I wasn’t okay. I was exhausted. I wasn’t bonding with Luna, I tried to avoid doing things with her because I didn’t want to hurt her or fuck her over. I stopped taking care of myself and didn’t care much for my appearance. I would pretend to be okay for the sake of everyone else. I buried things in the hopes that they would disappear and it’s only recently that I realised just how much it was affecting me.

Since the breakup and him moving out, I have turned the flat into a home. I have done things that I asked him to do and got bored of waiting for. I have organised Luna’s room into a child friendly place and given her a place to call her own. I have managed to get control of my eating and although it’s still not at the routine it should be, I am getting better. But I’m also learning how to be a mother because I have been failing recently.

Its only been since Kieran left, that I realised how much I was thankful for him for. I will not start to badmouth him, but it was definitely an eye opener. I realised how much I relied on him and how much he did without me asking. I am beyond pleased to say that 9/10 times he’s a great dad, which is far better odds than how I was as a mother until a week or two ago. Luna is learning that rubbish goes in the bin and will take it there herself. She is learning to put toys away after herself and that tantrums will not get you attention. But oh, my word, it’s so difficult.

I love my little lady more than anyone will ever know, but she has pushed me to breaking point so many times that I’ve rang Kieran or my mum in tears because I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t cope with telling her off and having to listen to her cry for me. I couldn’t cope with her hitting me and worse, I couldn’t cope with not being her dad. He is her idol and for the almost two years of her life, he did way more than I ever did.

Being a mum is by far one of the most rewarding titles, but it will never cost me my daughter. I may have many areas in which I was lacking, but I am trying my hardest to change that. I am finally getting out of the depression that I sunk so deep into. I am finally recognising the happiness in each and every day. But most of all, I’m finally starting to look on the brighter side to living. Sure, it’s hell sometimes. And I hope that many of you will continue this journey with me.

Lastly, I want to say thank you to every person that liked my Facebook page dedicated to my blog. Unfortunately, that was tied to an account I no longer have access too. I will however be making a new one and I hope that you will all give that one the same love and support that you gave the last. I hope to be blogging more often now and have already started making plans for Blogmas next month! It’s going to be brilliant (I hope). Thank you all for the love and support I have received recently, especially to those that saw I was struggling and held out the arms to welcome me in. I truly appreciate it. You can still catch me on Instagram and twitter by clicking either of those links and I hope to have a new Facebook page up soon. Hopefully it won’t be as long next time, but until then, keep smiling. Ferrari.

Since I posted it, I have now managed to create a new Facebook page, so if you could all go give it a like, I would really appreciate it. 🙂

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Open Letters!

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!

 

Categories
Mumma Life!

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.