Categories
Who am I?

Where I want to be…

Last year, I went through some pretty hard moments. I was living somewhere that was affecting my mental health daily, it was overcrowded and full of animosity. This year, I have my own flat with my little princess and I’m working hard to make sure it’s a loving home for her.

Since we moved into the flat, I’ve seen her come on leaps and bounds. She exceeds all my expectations and proves just how smart she really is. I mean, it’s not like I really have much to compare it too but still. Before we moved here, she didn’t really have to do much, she was a few months away from being two and we were still doing pretty much everything for her. Now, she knows where the bin is, she puts her toys away and helps me tidy up, she’s learning to count but her favourite activity is finding her figures when I’ve asked her for a specific one. She will wake up in the morning and play in her room until half 7 when we go in the living room and watch Sing before she has her breakfast. The best thing we ever did was move out of the house.

I have come a long way too. Okay, so I still have a problem with self-harm when my emotions get too much, but I am learning to talk about them more. I feel more confident in myself most days and don’t always feel down in the dumps. I have come a long way from the person I was last year, but I am still so far from where I want to be. I want to be kicking my mental health’s ass, I want to be eating like a normal person and not worried so much about my weight gain. This year, I want to live for the moment and stay away from the past. It has controlled so much of my life already; I want to move on from it. This year, I want to stop the self-harm that controls me. I want to be able to look my daughter in the face and feel like the strong woman she needs.

I come from a broken home, and I didn’t want that for my daughter. I wanted her to not have to worry about having two homes, having to split her time between two parents, with two parents fighting for her love. I wanted her to be able to have her parents together but that didn’t happen. But I also didn’t want a Christmas baby yet that’s exactly how my life panned out. And I wouldn’t change it for the life of me. I however will make sure that she has two parents that love her and continue to put her first. Yes, she has two homes, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, if she is as loved at one as she is the other. That’s the main thing.

The girl that started last year no longer exists. She was unhappy with nearly every aspect of her life. She had friends but that didn’t help overcome the mental exhaustion she was facing daily. I had people in my life that had slagged my daughter off behind my back but was nice as pie to my face. I had people pretending to care, and those people were some of my close friends. Last year consisted of way too many lies that I believed but also some very high moments.

I finally got on stage and tried stand-up, which I want to do again this year. I managed to work up the courage to leave an unhappy relationship and build a new life for myself. I got closer to some awesome people and those affected my life in ways that I could never repay. I have so much more to be thankful for, but this year is going to be different. I’m not going to settle for less than I deserve. I’m going to find happiness within myself and the life I already live. I’m going to embrace more possibilities and not live my life in fear. I want to live for the moment and build myself up to the girl I used too be. She lives in me somewhere; I just want to find her again.

I thought by now I’d be in my forever job, instead I’m signed off because I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like I have no future, but the truth is, I do. I am trying my hardest to be the mum my little lady deserves and if I always continue to put her first then I’m doing the right thing. She is and will always be my forever job. Who knows, maybe in the future, someone will come and join our little family but for now it’s just me and my little princess and that’s enough for me.

What about you? Where do you see yourself going over this year? How far have you come? Are you on track to where you want to be in your life? Nobody said you had to have your life in order, but sometimes reflection is a good thing. It makes you evaluate your life and change your course of action if need be. I hope that you are all happy and content with the path that your life is taking, if not, just simply change direction. Thank you for taking the time to read my latest post and remember you can always get in touch via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or email. Have a good day and keep smiling.

Categories
Who am I?

50 facts you may or may not know…

Many of you have been following my blog for some time now, however I am starting to notice an increase in not only the different people that are interacting with my blog but also an increase in places around the world that I haven’t quite seen regularly. So, I thought about writing a post telling you 50 facts you may or may not know about me.

  1. I have a love/hate relationship with my biological name. I was bullied a lot because I have the name of a car, but its different and I am yet to meet another one.
  2. I was named after a Ferrari Testarossa because my dad figured it would be as close as he’d come to having one.
  3. I could have been called Stephanie or Witchie… I know what you’re thinking… WHAT THE FUCK!
  4. I was due on Halloween; probably explains why I’m so fucked up! Thankfully I decided to grace the world with my presence three weeks before avoiding this date!
  5. I cannot stand gold jewellery. I think it looks tacky and cheap. That is just my opinion. I have yet to see a gold bracelet and think “that looks expensive”.
  6. My daughter was named after my favourite character from Harry Potter; Luna Lovegood, as well as sharing her middle name with both me and my aunt.
  7. My favourite number is 7!
  8. Jacqueline Wilson was the reason I wanted to be a writer. I love all her books from Double Act, to Girls in Love, to Tracy Beaker.
  9. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder within the last 14 months.
  10. I may be right-handed when it comes to writing, but I do a fair number of things with my left.
  11. Although I do like tea, I’m not a massive tea drinker. Given half a choice, I’d take a hot chocolate hands down.
  12. My favourite character of all time is Tinkerbell and she’s the one I probably relate to the most, with Peter Pan being one of my all-time favourite books.
  13. I have a nine-year-old cat called Magnificent who is a miniature tabby and I miss her terribly. She lives at my mums.
  14. I am a sucker for the Sims collection! I love creating families and stories and absolutely love how you can create generations with families that just don’t die out. Of course, the creative side of building is also a big plus.
  15. The first concert I ever went to was Professor Green in Brixton, however my favourite was seeing Eminem at Wembley and being in the inner circle!
  16. I was selected and attended a film school in London but had to give it up due to seizures.
  17. I can play the clarinet, piano, cornet, horn, trumpet and read music because of my time in church.
  18. I was also a girl guide and brownie in my youth.
  19. Me and my best friend have nicknames for each other that use the same letters. She’s my Lemon and I’m her Melon. Which was a total accident.
  20. Me and my little sister Beaudicea are the only two in our family to have unusual names. Everyone else’s are relatively normal.
  21. All my best friends have disliked me at one stage or another.
  22. I am very opinionated, stubborn and argumentative.
  23. I used to want to be a gymnast but was told I was too big.
  24. I left school with three different qualifications in maths… and I thought maths was universal apparently its more diverse than that.
  25. I was diagnosed with Addison’s Disease and told I would have it for life, only to be told I didn’t have it after 6 years of steroids.
  26. My favourite accent is the Australian one and I couldn’t tell you why.
  27. I will drink Coca-Cola but not Pepsi or Dr. Pepper.
  28. My favourite alcoholic drink is Unicorn Gin and Bubble-gum Fizzy Drink. If you haven’t tried it already, I would strongly recommend it!
  29. I am apparently high maintenance… I’m named after an expensive car… of course I am.
  30. When I’m in a bad mood or feeling like my emotions are getting the better of me, I stick my headphones in and switch the world out.
  31. I have a habit of keeping a wall up to protect myself from others.
  32. I am obsessed with the colour pink!
  33. I have suffered with alopecia since I was 16.
  34. I find it easier to get along with guys because I have more in common with them.
  35. I love wrestling and cricket.
  36. I love to cook and often will try and cook new things.
  37. I tried lobster for the first-time last year and it was delicious.
  38. I cannot stand people touching my feet. It makes me cringe!
  39. I find noisy chewers really irritating!
  40. I’m a lousy girl… I hate shopping, don’t follow fashion and only pamper myself if I think I really have too.  
  41. My favourite period of our history is the Tudor Period. I find it highly interesting.
  42. I am absolutely petrified of clowns, china dolls, masks… basically anything with a face that isn’t human.
  43. I broke my left wrist by falling off a rope swing when I was 11.
  44. My first job was at Dominos and it put me off pizza for so long. I only started eating it again when I went to university.
  45. I still remember all the songs from Barney because I was obsessed as a child. Honestly, if I play Barney to Luna, I always end up singing along.
  46. I am emotionally unstable.
  47. I am way too forgiving. I have forgiven people for hurting me, even at times when I know I shouldn’t. I’m just not forgiving when it comes to my daughter.
  48. I got to see Tom Daley dive at the FINA World Diving Series at the London 2012 Aquatic Centre before the Olympics, and it was brilliant.
  49. I own way too many board games!
  50. I am 26 and I still feel like I have no idea who I am.

Well there we go. 50 facts about me and oh my goodness, was that difficult to write. I am sorry if they aren’t as interesting as you thought they would be. What else would you like to know? Let me know by getting in touch via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or by emailing me… Maybe I can do another one in the future. I hope wherever you are in the world, you are having a good day/night and enjoying yourself and as always, keep smiling.

Categories
Open Letters!

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!

 

Categories
Mumma Life!

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

Categories
Give Thanks!

I couldn’t have done it without you…

Originally, I wasn’t going to blog today. I was going to work on some of the pieces that I have coming out over this month, plus a fair chunk of this morning and early afternoon was spent sorting out bits for the podcast but yet, I found I had to write a post today because you amazing readers got me to 2000 views today and for that, I am incredibly proud.

We did it! ❤️

 

I never thought that I’d have doubled my views within in a year and to say that I have, is incredible. I never thought that my blog would be read by so many of you around the world, yet here I am with views in over 20 countries. So, thank you to every single person that has read any of my posts! It doesn’t matter if you’re a regular reader or it’s your first time. Thank you for all your support and great feedback. Thank you for following my journey through many different areas of my life.

I started this blog to have a way to try to process how I was feeling and what was going on in my life and in two years, you guys have helped me grow and given me something to work towards. Since starting, I have had people reach out and tell me how I inspired them to write their own journeys or helped them realise that they aren’t alone in this big bad world and that matters! I love writing, but I love the fact that I can help people through my writing.

I hope each person has a great day and enjoys the little accomplishments. Because each little accomplishment are the building blocks to completing your goals. Check me out on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

Categories
Update❤️

It’s that time again…

If any of you follow me on my forms of social media, you would have seen that I posted a poll a few days ago regarding an update on my blog. I got about 7 votes with 4 for status update and 3 for a new post. So as I sat there, writing my update for you guys, I realised that the post would have been too long for a status so a blog post it is!

Firstly, I want to thank each and every person that visits my blog. For the last year, I have had an average of 120+ people visiting it each month and that makes me so proud! I cant believe that people all over the world are reading what I have to say. That is just incredible and figured it was about time for a major overhaul!

  • I want to write more. I feel like so many of you take the time to read what I write, even though sometimes, I feel like its just a load of words thrown together, you guys still support me and because of it, I want to give you more content! I have written up a plan with a blog post coming every other day of next month as a trial!
  • I want to increase engagement. Next month, I have a couple of post ideas that would be brilliant with the help of my amazing followers on my social media! Whether its facebook, twitter or insta, I want my readers to be able to engage more and help me create better content that you readers actually want to read!
  • Setting new targets. My original target for my blog was to get 50 followers and I am two away! That is incredible and I am so thankful to every single person that has signed up to read what a 25 year old from a small town in England thinks and feels. I surpassed my target for my facebook page of 50 followers and I am currently sitting at 76. I smashed that target and gained over 20 followers in one day and I am thankful to those that shared my page. You are helping my out more than you know. I wouldn’t be able to write, if I didn’t feel like what I say matters.
  • Interviews! I want to get out and meet more people that have impacted my life and helped me in ways that I can’t explain. I want my readers to see how and why these people continue to inspire me, each and every day! I want to engage with more of my followers and have their say in things that are affecting them.
  • A Podcast. It’s in the early stages, but I am proud to announce that me and my niece will be teaming up on a new venture together. It will be coming out in the new year, with more details to come as we get closer to the dates we have set. We have always been extremely close, not only in age but our bond is greater than just that of an aunt and niece, and we can’t wait to share it with you. If you’re on twitter, get following @ShitsGiggsPod for updates and news relating to it! We are hoping to roll out
  • Design! I have looking at different apps to try and give my blog more of a professional feel to it, with feature photos, better editing, and an attempt at planning my posts with more research.

Over the next few months, I will be rolling out some changes and trying to make my blog more of a personal touch. I am also looking into going private and paying for my own domain which gives me so many more options as well as the chance to start making my blog more of me and not a robot. I want to expand and I hope that all of you amazing people will be with me on the next parts to my journey. I want to thank those that have reached out to me because my blog has helped them personally or helped explain to others what it’s like. I have such a big heart that I love hearing from you guys and you can always message me. Whether its about mental health issues or you need a distraction, you can always reach out to me without fear or judgment.

I want to do my bit to bring a light to issues. I want to help people that aren’t okay right now but I also want to share my journey with you because it helps to know you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out, whether its facebook “openupwithmeblog”, twitter – @Openupwithme or Insta @OpenUpWithMe. What do you think of my blog? What do you think I should work on? What is an issue or topic that is close to your heart? I want to hear from you! As always, thank you for reading and I hope no matter where you are in the world, that you find a reason to smile. Ferrari.💞

 

 

Categories
Health❤️

I wanted my smile for so long…

I spent so long working up the courage to finally go to the dentist and get my smile back. I worked hard on being able to sit in the dentists chair without freaking out and having panic attacks. I overcame the fear that arose every time a needle was mentioned and I would literally swing my arms and legs about if I thought for a second that you were going to come anywhere near my teeth before I was ready.

I had a dentist who would say he was numbing your mouth, and he did, but he started the work long before your mouth was numb. I had my own mother hold me down because I was petrified and all she did was add fuel to the flames. I had reasons after reasons for avoiding the dentist. I mean I could brush my teeth a thousand times, but the stomach acid that I was bringing up was going to do more damage than brushing them could ever fix. I could have stopped eating the stuff that I was, but atleast I was eating and that mattered to me more.

Last Thursday, I had 12 teeth ripped from my mouth with countless stitches and I was so over the moon. The pain didn’t matter because I had my smile back and that was all that I wanted for the longest time. I wanted to not be ashamed of my teeth. I wanted to be able to talk and smile without having something in front of my mouth. The dentist put me on paracetamol, ibuprofen and dihdrocodeine and by Monday, I was back up the doctors getting something stronger because I was crying my eyes out. After taking a look at how swollen and sore my mouth was, I was prescribed tramadol. Two days later, I was back up the doctors getting antibiotics because there was an infection in one of the gaps which of course meant I was in even more pain.

I haven’t eaten a full meal since last Wednesday. I cant chew because its still way too sensitive. I have an ulcer appear where the denture sits on my gums because its constantly rubbing and I have swallowed way too much salt water to ever want to go near the ocean again. I am still in pain over a week after it happened and today I cried my eyes out. I cried because, for the first time in 9 days, I want my horrid teeth back. I want to be able to eat a meal, hell i’d settle for being able to suck on cake without it hurting. I cried because today, even though I love my smile, I wanted to go backwards.

I know that my teeth will be worth it. I know that of course I should expect pain, I had 12 teeth out and that’s a big operation. But right now, I am in a vulnerable state. I am in pain and I do spend most of my time sleeping or taking tablets. I am so thankful that Kieran has managed to be amazing, like he always is with Luna and has been doing an incredible job looking after her whilst I’ve been recovering. Thank you to my amazing friends who have rang me countless times to check up on me and thank you Liam for always letting me wake you up when I’m awake in pain. Thank you all for not letting me go through this by myself.

 

Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️