You know that moment when your whole world comes crashing down and the person you’re in love with decides the relationship is never going to be worth it? That moment that shatters your heart into a million tiny pieces and nothing seems right. That moment that you just drop to the floor and ball your eyes out. Why is it, that when this happens, all those closest to you, feel the need to say, “don’t worry, it will get easier”…
Don’t you think that I know it will get easier and hearts get broken all the time, but in this moment, that doesn’t help. It doesn’t stop the tears from falling or your heart from aching. It doesn’t stop the memories that pop into your head and stay there until they have broken you down to tears. It doesn’t stop the sheer agony of knowing that all they will ever be is memories with no real chance of a future. It doesn’t magically get better over night. It takes days, weeks even months to truly get over a heartbreak and yes, some days will get easier, but right now, that is the last thing they need to hear.
Losing someone you’re in love with, is one of the hardest and most damaging things that can happen. It takes down every wall that you built to stop yourself getting broken and destroys all hope you had inside of things get better. You can’t just turn off how you feel and stop the pain. You can’t just switch of your tear ducts and stop crying. You can’t just smile and pretend because one of the reasons you had to smile is gone.
I think it’s harder when they decide that they’ve had enough. When they decide they never want to think about or speak to you again. It’s hard to just stop all the memories of times shared at the click of your fingers. But it’s even harder when you lived together. When everywhere you turn, there is some reminder of a presence that no longer is going to be around. But the hardest part about losing the person you’re in love with, is the moment they say they regretted ever being with you. Because that means they regretted every moment spent together and sometimes that’s a lot.
It’s hard to look around and not think about you. It’s hard to not go to message you even though I know everything’s blocked. It’s harder knowing that you’ll never be there again. That I’ll never get to hold you or kiss you because even though you’re out there somewhere, I’m no longer active in your life. It hurts knowing that whenever you think about me, feels you with pain and anger. Knowing that just the mention of my name, is enough to make you want to scream. I’m sorry for that.
There’s a part of me that wants to say I’m sorry and I regret us. Just because i know it’s what you want to hear. But that doesn’t mean I feel it. I feel anger at everyone for telling me to just move on and forget about it. But how do you forget about someone who meant everything to you? I’m not sorry we got together and I’ll never apologise for being with you. Because you have my heart. If you didn’t, this would be so much easier to deal with. If I wasn’t in love with you, I wouldn’t so much as shed a tear. But I am. And that’s not going to disappear in the blink of my tear filled eyes.
I’ve tried to convince myself that it’s over but my heart doesn’t want to admit what my brain already knows. My heart won’t stop beating for you and I just wish it would. Because this hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt before. One day I will get over you, I haven’t exactly got much of a choice. But right now, I’m not. I’m hurting. And I’m sorry.
I want to look to the future, but this future is one that doesn’t consist of you. You were my best friend, I could tell you anything and know that you wouldn’t judge me out loud. You know me better than I’ve ever known myself and I felt safer with you than anyone else. I thought I knew that no matter what, we’d have gotten through everything. I just didn’t realise that was the biggest lie I told myself. So I’m being honest, that no matter how much I want to hate you, I can’t. No matter how much I wish I didn’t, I am in love with you, so until those feelings go and you’re not captivating every waking thought, I’m going to focus on myself and Luna.
Thank you for helping me become a better mother and person. Thank you for everything you did for me and every time you picked up the pieces. Thank you for being the guy I loved and the guy who had my heart. Even though I’m gone from your life, I wish you nothing but love and happiness. It’s about time you found your forever. I just wish, it was me.