Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

I couldn’t have done it without you…

Originally, I wasn’t going to blog today. I was going to work on some of the pieces that I have coming out over this month, plus a fair chunk of this morning and early afternoon was spent sorting out bits for the podcast but yet, I found I had to write a post today because you amazing readers got me to 2000 views today and for that, I am incredibly proud.

We did it! ❤️

 

I never thought that I’d have doubled my views within in a year and to say that I have, is incredible. I never thought that my blog would be read by so many of you around the world, yet here I am with views in over 20 countries. So, thank you to every single person that has read any of my posts! It doesn’t matter if you’re a regular reader or it’s your first time. Thank you for all your support and great feedback. Thank you for following my journey through many different areas of my life.

I started this blog to have a way to try to process how I was feeling and what was going on in my life and in two years, you guys have helped me grow and given me something to work towards. Since starting, I have had people reach out and tell me how I inspired them to write their own journeys or helped them realise that they aren’t alone in this big bad world and that matters! I love writing, but I love the fact that I can help people through my writing.

I hope each person has a great day and enjoys the little accomplishments. Because each little accomplishment are the building blocks to completing your goals. Check me out on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

It’s that time again…

If any of you follow me on my forms of social media, you would have seen that I posted a poll a few days ago regarding an update on my blog. I got about 7 votes with 4 for status update and 3 for a new post. So as I sat there, writing my update for you guys, I realised that the post would have been too long for a status so a blog post it is!

Firstly, I want to thank each and every person that visits my blog. For the last year, I have had an average of 120+ people visiting it each month and that makes me so proud! I cant believe that people all over the world are reading what I have to say. That is just incredible and figured it was about time for a major overhaul!

  • I want to write more. I feel like so many of you take the time to read what I write, even though sometimes, I feel like its just a load of words thrown together, you guys still support me and because of it, I want to give you more content! I have written up a plan with a blog post coming every other day of next month as a trial!
  • I want to increase engagement. Next month, I have a couple of post ideas that would be brilliant with the help of my amazing followers on my social media! Whether its facebook, twitter or insta, I want my readers to be able to engage more and help me create better content that you readers actually want to read!
  • Setting new targets. My original target for my blog was to get 50 followers and I am two away! That is incredible and I am so thankful to every single person that has signed up to read what a 25 year old from a small town in England thinks and feels. I surpassed my target for my facebook page of 50 followers and I am currently sitting at 76. I smashed that target and gained over 20 followers in one day and I am thankful to those that shared my page. You are helping my out more than you know. I wouldn’t be able to write, if I didn’t feel like what I say matters.
  • Interviews! I want to get out and meet more people that have impacted my life and helped me in ways that I can’t explain. I want my readers to see how and why these people continue to inspire me, each and every day! I want to engage with more of my followers and have their say in things that are affecting them.
  • A Podcast. It’s in the early stages, but I am proud to announce that me and my niece will be teaming up on a new venture together. It will be coming out in the new year, with more details to come as we get closer to the dates we have set. We have always been extremely close, not only in age but our bond is greater than just that of an aunt and niece, and we can’t wait to share it with you. If you’re on twitter, get following @ShitsGiggsPod for updates and news relating to it! We are hoping to roll out
  • Design! I have looking at different apps to try and give my blog more of a professional feel to it, with feature photos, better editing, and an attempt at planning my posts with more research.

Over the next few months, I will be rolling out some changes and trying to make my blog more of a personal touch. I am also looking into going private and paying for my own domain which gives me so many more options as well as the chance to start making my blog more of me and not a robot. I want to expand and I hope that all of you amazing people will be with me on the next parts to my journey. I want to thank those that have reached out to me because my blog has helped them personally or helped explain to others what it’s like. I have such a big heart that I love hearing from you guys and you can always message me. Whether its about mental health issues or you need a distraction, you can always reach out to me without fear or judgment.

I want to do my bit to bring a light to issues. I want to help people that aren’t okay right now but I also want to share my journey with you because it helps to know you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out, whether its facebook “openupwithmeblog”, twitter – @Openupwithme or Insta @OpenUpWithMe. What do you think of my blog? What do you think I should work on? What is an issue or topic that is close to your heart? I want to hear from you! As always, thank you for reading and I hope no matter where you are in the world, that you find a reason to smile. Ferrari.💞

 

 

Lets talk about change…

The same people that called me self-centred, shallow, and superficial are the ones obsessed with reality tv and what their favourite celebrity is doing next, however there are plenty of bigger issues in the world. Issues that get ignored and downgraded. Ones that get tossed aside until the problem has escalated to an extreme that may or may not be reversible.

I tend to avoid the news or news programmes because they just frustrate me. Not only do you have the likes of Piers Morgan sprouting his utter bollocks and claiming to speak on behalf of a nation… that same nation that he sits on his horse and judges, the same nation that he slates and undermines in every opportunity. Now, he can have opinions all he likes, hell i’d embrace his opinions if he actually presented them like a civiliased person and not an emotionless robot. I also watched some show presented by Victoria Derbyshire where she was having a ‘conversation’ with an MP that was going for leadership… It was tragic on both parts and I couldn’t actually believe that these two people were getting paid to have this chat on live air. It was a disaster and I learned nothing except the MP is a douche and couldn’t stand by any statements in typical political fashion and the presenter lost control of her interview which made me cringe.

I got various news websites up to have a look at what the current issues were today and oh my goodness. They are as much of a joke as this country is turning too. I suppose it makes sense that the next PM we have, will be a clown. Over the majority of news websites that I looked at, the biggest headlines were to do with the police being called to Boris Johnsons flat because of an argument and Trump trying to start yet another war. Neither, in my opinion should be headlined news. I am not going to say that I could do a better job, but I’d like to think that in such a confusing time, the news channels would be doing a better job at presenting more reasons to smile than reasons to question reality. Do I honestly care that Boris Johnson had police called to his flat because of an argument with his mrs? No. It doesn’t concern me.

Im concerned about the hundreds of people that sleep on the street with no roof over their heads. I’m concerned about the thousands of people that are living in situations that are truly questionable of their human rights. I’m concerned about the ones that go to bed cramped and scared because life is hard. I care about the thousands of peoples that are suffering with poor health, both physical and mental that are being ignored. I’m concenred about a country that cares more about what the richest 5% are doing than the poorest 20%. I’m concerned about the education system that we trust our most precious people in. The same education system that fails everyone if they don’t fit a certain criteria. I’m concerned about the issues we ignore!

We live in a world where women are criticised for how we look and what we wear, instead of teaching boys and men to respect womens minds. We live in a world where is so much easier to point the finger than accept responsibility and make the changes. We live in a world where no doesn’t mean no, where no just means not yet. We live in a world where you are slightly different, you’re less of a person and that’s not acceptable. It’s not acceptable that we say things like “boys will be boys” or “men should be strong”. It’s not acceptable that we look down on people because they come from a single parent background or on benefits.

As a society, we are not acceptable. But as a society, it’s us who needs to stand up and make the changes. We elect the MPS that sit on the government that runs our country. We raise our issues and we have our voices! Start using them for things that matter. For issues that matter. Stand up for the little people that haven’t quite found their voices. Stand up for those who voices are drowned out by people who think they know better. Stand up for the sick and elderly. Stand up for your families and friends. Every single person on this planet has the capability to make a change. Stop spreading hate, embrace people for who they are but don’t accept that its all they will ever be. Stop focusing on celebrity news and culture and embrace your own. Embrace your lives and make changes to make your lives better. If you have issues with the world, don’t wait for someone else to start the fight, start it yourself and get others involved. As a society, we are failing. Embrace those that dare to be different and stand alongside those that want to speak out. Because otherwise, the voices that were gifted to each and everyone of us, are going to waste.

For a while, I forgot I had a voice. I let so many of my issues go unheard and then I thought, well screw you. I’m important too and what I say matters. I mean sure, I’m one person. But this one person, has 42 followers directly to this blog and over 400 followers on twitter. That’s over 400 sets of ears that could read this and if one person shares it, then the possible audience will just grow because that is the power of social media. That is the power we have as a society, so why don’t we use it?

 

Thank you for reading. I know I’ve been a bit distant recently, but I promise to blog more. After all, my voice needs to be heard one way or another. I hope you all have an amazing weekend. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

A confused mind…

Have you ever spent every day talking to someone only to drift apart? Have you put time and effort into someone only to have it thrown back in your face? Have you ever sat there and thought, if I didn’t speak to them, would we talk? Yep. Losing people sucks.

Unfortunately it happens a lot. Throughout my life I’ve lost people that I never imagined my life without but gained people I didn’t even know existed. I’ve had friendships fall and for the other person to become a stranger I once knew. And I hate it. I hate the fact that one minute we can be extremely close to someone, slowly you drift apart and the next it’s been months and you’ve forgotten each other. I hate that people can come in and out of lives thanks to social media and technology.

Recently I’ve ghosted everyone. I swear, I’ve even ghosted the people in this house at various points over the last couple of weeks and I’m sorry. I’ve just been distracted. It’s not you guys. It’s that coping with my head has become a lot to handle and I feel like I’m failing. I thought that I was losing some of the people I held close, I thought that I was failing as a friend and a person. I wasn’t. My mind was playing tricks on me like it loves to do. But I’ve been feeling like I don’t matter because people can just leave when they feel like it. I have abandonment issues as well as a constant nagging feeling of being too close to people because I feel vulnerable. I feel like if I let people in, they leave. I’ve lost people because I don’t open up yet I don’t open up because I lose people. It’s a vicious circle and one that I know I need to break.

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could stop myself but it’s so hard. I can’t open up anymore. I’ve done it so many times and fallen flat and defeated. Right now, I feel like I’m out of control, I feel like my fears are controlling me and when I try to stop it, I’m lost. But I’m sorry that right now, I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t because I’m expected to be okay. I mean as everyone tells me, I have a perfect little family and could want nothing more. And yes, I appreciate Kieran and Luna so much, but if that were true, my mind would be okay.

I feel drained because every day is a battle that nobody can see. I feel exhausted because I can’t open up without fear of losing the ones I love most. So I sit tight and wait for my mind to settle. But it’s not. Monday, I have to sit across from a therapist and tell them the things that are on mind and maybe I’ll be a little calmer. I feel like all the colour has been drained from my life. That nothing makes sense and the world around me is in flames. I feel like I’m destroying everything and I can’t stop myself.

This picture isn’t perfect. It’s not in colour. It shows my imperfections. But it’s me. It’s who I am.

I’ll write again soon. But mentally, I can’t cope with my head. I can’t write it down because I don’t make sense of it. I hope that wherever you are right now, you’re not alone. Because having people around you that care, is something that shouldn’t be underestimated. I hope you’re okay and having a great day. Until I write again, Ferrari. ❤️

If you’re not already, follow me on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook by searching “OpenUpWithMe”❤️

Originally,

Well I was supposed to upload a post about children’s mental health and I just couldn’t press send. It’s fully written but I think its hard to open up some days. So I figured I would share something else.

I have found on days that I write, I don’t lose control as much. I mean sure I have the occasional snap but generally, it’s a lot easier to handle. And today was a bad day for many reasons but I don’t want to end it on a negative. I want to celebrate.

I started blogging properly in September of last year and I had no idea what I was doing, five months on and I don’t even think I really know now. But I do know that writing makes my life that little bit easier. It makes my mind a little simpler and my feelings feel like they matter. Even when I don’t post what I write straight away, I still have the release of my feelings and I don’t have to bottle things up. It’s not always easy to open to people, but writing doesn’t have a face. I don’t have to look at their emotions or read their facial expressions and see how I feel hurt them.

I purposely avoid sharing my blog sometimes, because I know that some of the people that matter to me, wouldn’t go out of their way to find it, and half of them haven’t even read it. They sit and wonder why I can’t open up to them but they don’t understand that they are the reason I don’t open up. I get met with things like negativity, being belittled and downgraded, being told that its simple and all I have to do is change the way I think. I mean according to some of the people in this house, my mental health doesn’t matter because I choose to be this way. Yet they may me feel bad because they can’t be bothered to take the time to understand it.

Yet, in 35 posts that I have done since September, I have had people I have never met reach out and say that I helped them with what I had written. That to them, my blog explained things that they couldn’t and it helped their families to understand a little part of what they may be experiencing. In those 35 posts, I have reached 18 other countries, and had over 800 visitors and over 1.2 thousand views! To me, that is truly remarkable. To know that there are people all over the world that have wanted to read the words I’ve written and that is moving. The fact that my little voice is read for many different reasons is bewildering because there are days I wake up with love and support and its usually on the days that I don’t feel like enough.

I have support from more people that I’ve never met than I do from the voices around me. I have truly remarkable friends not only in the UK but also in USA and beyond. I have people that I’ve never met who pick me up without realising it and I’ve heard from people that I used to be close with, that have been following how I am through my blog. Every one of those voices matter, and I want you readers to know that I could never thank you enough for reading, so I love you.

If you haven’t already, give my blog a like on Facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/openupwithmeblog, follow me on Instagram @openupwithme, or catch me on twitter @RariAyliffe❤️

Thank you for staying with me as I try to make sense of the world. Ferrari. 💝

Positive Thought #4

I didn’t miss #3, it’s on Instagram @openupwithme and on Facebook @openupwithmeblog.

Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it. – Bear Grylls

Today could be a bad day. I’m tucked up in bed shivering with a headache and pains all down my side from coughing so much. I feel so drained and defeated. But I refuse to let that keep me down. I mean normally I’d hate the fact that I’m cooped up in bed whilst the day passes me by, but I know my Addisons and if I don’t take this time for myself, I’ll end up even worse.

Even though I hate the idea of being tucked up under a cover, I’m gonna make the most of my bed rest and read another one of the books I got for Christmas. I’m going to get lost in the pages and focus on something else. I get to forget all about what’s going on in my life and lose myself in the characters in whatever story takes my fancy.

But before I started to lose myself in my book whilst Luna went for her nap, I faced two things. Despite how rough I felt, I still managed to get the courage to face some fears of mine.

1. The dentist. I know so many people that are afraid of the dentist and all of them are much braver than I am. When I was younger, I would go to dentist and have no worries and no fear. I would sit in that chair and knew that my teeth were perfect. That was until I was about 8 or 9. I had to have my first filling and the dentist was an asshole. My mum was an asshole. That day, I had a nurse and my mum physically restraining me whilst this dentist waved around a needle to numb my gums. I was fine with having a filling but the second I saw the needle I freaked! I was panicking and hyperventilating to the point I couldn’t have it done. My mum called me so many names, told me I was a baby and needed to stop being pathetic. And every time I got in the chair after that, people were on call so I could be retrained whilst the dentist checked my teeth. When I developed my eating disorder, my teeth got terrible. The stomach acid I was bringing up, was rotting my teeth and I refused to go to the dentist. I couldn’t quite manage it. I was 21 before I managed to get the courage to have my teeth fixed. I was going once a month to be sedated and having them fixed slowly but it was great. It took me a few visits to get in the chair but the lady at Guys Hospital was incredible! She wouldn’t force me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with, she spoke to me, she let me listen to my music and would always make sure I had a sugary drink next to me in case my blood pressure dropped. See, Addisons can cause complications, and when having any sort of stress, we are made to double our tablets to ensure that our body can cope. Throw in a phobia of needles and dentists and I turn into a wreck. But, being at guys, there is an endocrinologist in the same building and only once have they needed to get him to make sure I was okay. Today however, I’ve managed to sort out my referral and will again being having my teeth fixed by Guys Hospital.

The second being getting the courage to book a cervical cancer smear. After I had given birth to Luna, I had to be examined because of the c-section and the pains that were appearing, and found out there was a legion on my cervix. I went to that appointment alone and scared. I dreaded going and got myself into a right mess. Thankfully, it was just due to the pregnancy rather than anything more sinister. But after having it happen to my mum and her having the lump removed by a laser, I’ve been paranoid ever since. I’ve made the appointment twice before and chickened out both times. So today, I made the appointment and come next week, I will be making sure that I’m okay.

So sure, I’m actually quite sick. I’ve spent most of the day either asleep or with the blanket over my head because it was pounding that much. The pain is so intense that it’s taken me all day to write this post. But I did it! I managed to keep the sickness and pain at bay long enough to press send. But that’s not what I’m proud of. Today, I’m proud that even though I may have my fears, I will not live my life hiding from them anymore. ❤️