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Give Thanks!

100 Blog Posts!

Today marks my 100th blog post for OpenUpWithMe and I thought I’d use this post to celebrate.

I’ve come a long way since I started writing back in semi consistently back in 2018. I have covered a range of topics from mental health, being a first time mum as well as my own personal battles and accomplishments. I had the absolute privilege to interview one of my favourite upcoming singer/songwriters as well as creating fun lists that just distract my mind a little. I’ve covered many issues that are prominent in a life filled with BPD and still manage to take time to process it all.

In the last few years, I’ve come a long way emotionally and mentally but still have far to go. I’ve taken small steps and overcome things I thought I wouldn’t. And I’ve lost people I thought I would have had in my life forever.

I gained and lost one of my best friends. And even though that hurt and cut deep, I wont continue to be upset about it. Because even though they are no longer in my life, I am more thankful for them than many others I have lost over the two years. Without them, this blog wouldn’t be what it is today because I wouldn’t have been holding on for the possibility of a brighter future. I owe them so much, and there will always be a space for them in my life because I owe them it. They talked me down from suicide, spent hours on the phone to me, trying to distract me from the negatives and spent hours texting me so that I never felt alone. So thank you!

I’ve had some of highest highs and the lowest lows and it was always my best friends that picked me up and helped me see sense. I am truly lucky to have so many people looking out for me. I am lucky to have so many people to turn to in my lowest times, even if I don’t when I know deep down I should.

In almost two years, I have had some amazing feedback, and created bonds that go beyond just writing. I have been fortunate enough to inspire so many others to write their own journeys, to piece together their own feelings and to put pen to paper and write what they know. I have had countless people write to me, expressing how I’ve helped them and that they are thankful I’m writing because I have found the words to say when they couldn’t. I now have over 115 followers, over 3900 views and more than 2000 visitors. My words have been viewed in countries around the world by people I have never met. My blog wont ever be the biggest or most popular but I have helped more people than I thought I would and that has been my greatest reward. The stats don’t matter unless my words mean something to someone.

When I first started this blog, it was to process my thoughts and feelings and now its turned into something more. I have been planning blog posts, thinking of ideas and trying to make my blog something more. I love writing, its one of the best ways I found of expressing the things that I have trouble saying. Last year, I saved up to pay for my own website and to try and make it even bigger, however I feel like a part of me done it prematurely. And as of August this year, this sites domain will change back to the original one.

Thank you to every single reader. To every person that has been in touch and to every person that has followed me and pushed me to write more, thank you. Thank you to every single person that has sat up with me and been there when I’ve had trouble writing. Thank you to the few people that I love more because they have pushed me and each every day.

As this blog piece comes to an end, my blog however will continue. I will continue to write pieces and find ways to keep pushing on with all this craziness. If anyone wants to get in touch, you can find me on twitter, facebook and Instagram. I’ll answer any time of day because every single person in this world matters. I hope where ever you are in the world, you’re happy and healthy. So until the next time, I hope that no matter what, you never lose your smile.

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Open Letters!

An Open Letter to my Year 4 and Year 6 teachers…

Now that I’m back to blogging consecutively I want to continue my open letter series. And who better to start than with two teachers who gave me more than just an education.

An Open Letter to my year 4 and year 6 teachers…

Firstly, I want to start off by saying thank you! Thank you for everything you did during my years with you. I may not have been the brightest or most well-behaved student for you but it’s only as I’ve been growing up that I realise just how much you taught me in such a short space of time.

Many of our teachers, only have us as students for a short space of time, its so true especially in Primary School when I changed teachers every year. But these two stood out for going above and beyond what they needed to do for my education. Both for different reasons and both taught me much more than just what was on the curriculum.

I’m going to start with my year 4 teacher, Miss Frisby. She was a teacher that came from Australia and taught in the country for one year before returning home. Thankfully, I was in her class and I will never forget her. In the space of 12 months, she taught me more about myself as a person than any teacher I have ever had! She encouraged us all to create connections that were outside of the everyday life by setting up pen pals for us all with her parents’ school in Australia. Unfortunately, when she left, not many of us continued our letters but it was a thoughtful idea. It gave us a chance to get to know someone from a different way of life who could give us more of a perceptive on the world.

When she left the school, she gave us all these little koalas with messages on them and each one was different and unique. They were also personal, and I will never forget mine. She told me to never lose my “nuts” (I used to always say oh nuts if something went wrong, and because I am entirely clumsy, it was said frequently enough that she paid attention). She told me to continue to believe in myself because I had a heart of gold and nobody should ever be able to take that away from me. She gave me faith on days that homelife made it difficult. She made lessons entertaining and engaging so that I could lose myself in my work without losing my head. She helped me look forward to school rather than staying and losing myself in my complications.

She was probably the first teacher to encourage me to become a teacher. It was all I wanted to be when I was younger (If I couldn’t make it as an actress… obviously). She told me that if I continued with the same passion I had and the warmth in my heart, that I would have no problems being an inspiration to others. She was so easy to talk to and the way she helped us learn was what inspired me to want to be like her. She also helped encourage my love of Australia from the way she would talk about it and the pictures that we got to see. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard or seen her since, but I sincerely hope wherever she is in the world, that she’s continuing to inspire other children, the way she inspired me. Who knows, maybe she’s out there reading this, (I highly doubt it but hey, a girl can dream.)

To my second teacher, the last primary school teacher I had, thank you. Mr Rogers, you taught me so much. You taught me how to be a better friend because we all know that girls can be bitchy. You taught me that its okay to be smart and to want to better myself. Every new day was started with a brain buster, something to get our brains engaged and willing to learn. Every day we learned something different, even if it was silly things that stuck in my brain, like what begins with e, ends with e and only has one letter in it… If you don’t know, its envelope. You taught me that the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog is the shortest sentence that uses every letter of the alphabet.

You taught me that inspiration comes from inside and we must be open to the world and its many possibilities. You set me up for life at Secondary School, and you’d be pleased to know that I stayed out of trouble for at least a year before I started to get a reputation for having a big mouth and poor attitude. You taught me that I shouldn’t hide my intelligence to gain friends, even though I have made myself dumber to impress the wrong people. You taught me that the world of possibilities can be found if I am willing to embrace them.  You tried to make sure that we all knew we had creative control over how our lives planned out and sometimes, even though I haven’t lived up to my potential, I haven’t forgotten.

Both of those teachers helped shape the person I am. They helped create the strong and determined girl that sits typing this. They gave me ideas on how I want to live my life and where I want to be. And I think I finally re-realised that I want to be a teacher and inspire people the same way you inspired me. Thank you for affecting my life in the years that I had you. Thank you for everything that I may not have embraced as a child but that I certainly would never forget.

Signed, a small student with a big dream.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter to two teachers that affected and shaped my life. They may never realise the impact they had on me, but it will never be forgotten. Do you have any teachers that affected your life and helped you become the person you are today? Let me know by visiting Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. I hope wherever you are in the world, you too are inspiring people, the same way you were inspired. Make sure you live a life that you can be proud of. But as always, keep smiling.

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Interviews!

Interview with Dan Olsen!

As part of my original schedule, I had planned to have an interview with an inspiration of mine, at least once a month. However, what with the move, many things had to take a back seat. I am now pleased to announce that I finally managed to sit down with a friend of mine and have a long-awaited conversation. For those of you who don’t know that person is Dan Olsen.

Dan started following me on twitter a fair few years ago and I’ve been following his music career ever since. It’s great to have built a connection with him that means we both get support each other as he has done with this interview. I’ve also been lucky enough to have him sing me Happy Birthday a few times as well. Dan is an international singer-songwriter from the Faroe Islands but now lives and produces his own music in London. Unfortunately, due to personal issues, I haven’t gotten around to seeing him perform live, but it is on my to do list. Dan is one of my inspirations because he has taught me to never to give up on my dreams. He left the safety and security of his home nation, to fly to this country and pursue his music career. If I say so myself, he is doing incredible for himself. He taught me that although times can be tough and giving up is easy, that in order to win, you need to keep trying. Dan has toured in many countries and has a love for going to China, having been there a few times and has had his music used in a film. He has many songs that I absolutely love, and you should totally check them out but my favourite by far is the one just below.

What/who inspired you to be a singer-songwriter? It must have come in steps. Jack Johnson was the first singer-songwriter who led me to start singing on top of the guitar playing I was already doing and the one who stylistically inspired my first songs. And then seeing other young musicians making a career and thinking “I can do that!” (I love Jack Johnson and have listened to his music for years.)

What would be your favourite thing about creating and releasing music? When I write something that I’m happy with and it makes me feel like a kid – that’s the best feeling. After that comes when I feel like I’ve nailed the production on it and done the song justice. And lastly, when my audience make a connection with the song. That’s why I love hearing back from you. 

Do you have a process for writing? I used to always start on the guitar and getting a guitar riff down to then build a singing melody on top and add words. For a while it’s been 50/50 between that and coming up with a singing melody from nothing and then adding the guitar and then words. Now I’m slowly adding the method of starting with lyrics or a concept and working from there.

How old was you when you wrote your first song and what was it about? I must have been about 21, it was called “Lucky You” and it was basically saying “if you feel like you should have started this and that earlier in your life, well you’re in luck  because it’s never too late and you should just start now”.

How do you handle rejection in terms of your music? I used to take it personal sometimes. But you soon realize that you’re never ever going to make everyone happy with one single song. Because everyone’s taste is different. So, from knowing that you start thinking ‘hey, let me just write what I like, and if one or thousands or millions more like it then happy days either way’. The good thing is, I can always write another one. And that I will regardless.

What song did you have the most fun creating the video for? There are three I suppose. Candy Shop and In the Summer were fun because we had great actors in them, and the banter was great. Christmas Time With You was also a lot fun because it almost felt like a holiday at the same because we travelled to the Alps in Switzerland and had so much fun shooting the video.

What inspired you to move to London to pursue your music career? It was a combination of things. I’d always wanted to try living in London. And I felt London or L.A. would have the best scenes for getting lots of gigs and for networking. And London proved to tick both boxes from the get-go.

What advice could you give to someone who wants to build a career in music? Everyone’s different. Realize that first and what I mean by that is in terms of knowing that one thing that works for someone might not work for you. There are so many ways to “the top”. So naturally this advice will mainly be based on my own experiences. – Try things out. Get as much gigging experience as possible. Meet other musicians and collaborate. Try to organize your life in a way where all work effort is put into music so that you can get better and better at your craft whether that be writing, performing, producing etc or all of them. It’s a tough industry so if you want to make a living from it, you’ll have to be smart about it. It might mean you’ll have to lower your standard of living for the first years. It humbles you but it makes it possible and so rewarding when it pays off.

What advice could you give to someone who wanted to move to a different country? My advice would be this: say yes to everything! This could very well be your first and last chance to have these special experiences and not to mention potential new friendships this country has to offer.

Who is your biggest inspiration? Why? Who? Hmm… there really are probably too many to mention. From family to friends to sport people and music people and more. Everyone has something different to offer.

What would you say is your biggest achievement in terms of your music? I would say it’s to trust my instincts in terms of my own song writing but also my musical career choices.

How many instruments can you play and how old were you when you learnt? Probably just guitar. This I started learning when I was around 12. Then I dabble in piano, ukulele, bass guitar, banjo, harmonica etc.

What was your favourite thing about living in Australia? The weather was an amazing improvement. And not to mention the nature and the different animals.

Who would be your dream duet partner? Hmmm… Adele? But I’d look bad next to her!

Your song Heart Into Trouble was in the film, Carnivore, can you tell me what the best part about that process was? It’s always with that kind of recognition for your work. But the favourite part is probably that it led me to the film crew of the film which has then resulted in them creating some of my favourite music videos for me.

I know you can’t give too much away about your upcoming projects, but is there anything you can tell me? I’m putting this EP out!! And so far, Still Be Gone and Lost in the Moment have been released – they’re out everywhere!

Lastly, where are you looking at touring next? More info to come.

https://www.facebook.com/danolsenmusic/

https://www.danolsenmusic.com/

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this interview, thank you to Dan for helping me with my first piece and thank you to everyone who has shown him support. He is a performer which means he wouldn’t be where he is today without the love and support of his fans! I hope you all have a great day and enjoy whatever you’re doing right now. Make sure to check out my social media, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for all the latest information on any blog related stuff. It will also be the place I drop my next name for my next interview. Keep your eyes pealed! And as always, keep smiling :). Ferrari.

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Open Letters!

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!

 

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Give Thanks!

I couldn’t have done it without you…

Originally, I wasn’t going to blog today. I was going to work on some of the pieces that I have coming out over this month, plus a fair chunk of this morning and early afternoon was spent sorting out bits for the podcast but yet, I found I had to write a post today because you amazing readers got me to 2000 views today and for that, I am incredibly proud.

We did it! ❤️

 

I never thought that I’d have doubled my views within in a year and to say that I have, is incredible. I never thought that my blog would be read by so many of you around the world, yet here I am with views in over 20 countries. So, thank you to every single person that has read any of my posts! It doesn’t matter if you’re a regular reader or it’s your first time. Thank you for all your support and great feedback. Thank you for following my journey through many different areas of my life.

I started this blog to have a way to try to process how I was feeling and what was going on in my life and in two years, you guys have helped me grow and given me something to work towards. Since starting, I have had people reach out and tell me how I inspired them to write their own journeys or helped them realise that they aren’t alone in this big bad world and that matters! I love writing, but I love the fact that I can help people through my writing.

I hope each person has a great day and enjoys the little accomplishments. Because each little accomplishment are the building blocks to completing your goals. Check me out on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

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Ferrari❤️

Best friends are important…

Can I be brutally honest? Losing a best friend sucks more than losing a relationship. I know some of you may not agree, but through my experience, it really does.

Now don’t get me wrong, there’s a few guys who have hurt me but my best friends were the ones that got me over my heartache. They are the ones that helped me to keep pushing forward. So even when I thought my world was over, they were there to wipe away my tears and make me smile again. But who’s there to wipe away the tears when you lose your best friend?

I think to lose a best friend due to an argument is bad enough but it’s worse watching the relationship drift apart. It’s not even about not talking to them, because you can talk to them everyday without having a meaningful conversation. But it’s when you noticing them caring less, which means you stop opening up. You notice them drifting away, so you just stand at the shore and wave. You can’t stop them, you want them to be happy so you just let them go.

Sometimes you have one too many arguments and that’s just when you’ve decided enough is enough. You’ve stopped caring and you give up with them instead of trying to help them, you stopped caring enough to try. And it’s heartbreaking. It’s hard to lose the one you turn to whenever you need them. The one that helps you create memories and can pick out your favourite songs. It’s hard because, who do you turn to when that happens? You’ve lost your first choice. No one measures up with your best friend.

Your best friends are essential pieces of life, and losing them, is like losing a piece of yourself. Sometimes it can’t be helped, people drift apart and never really find their way back. However, if it can. Try and save it. Because your best friends are important in every part of your life. So to my best friends, thank you and I love you. You’re the sunshine to my rain, together we create one hell of a rainbow. And no matter where life takes us, you’ll always have a place in my heart. Thank you for being there through all my madness and loving me anyway.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMeand head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

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Health❤️

No one can fault you for trying…

Write what should not be forgotten. – Isabel Allende

Everything I write on my blog, will be on the big wide world of the web. So I want to use it as a place to be remembered. I want people to be able to use my blog to express how they’re feeling when they can’t find the words… the only problem being sometimes I don’t even know the words to express how I feel. I am way too harsh on myself, and wont post something if I find it awful… probably why I have over 45 drafts… And I’ve found that it’s so much easier to write when I’m not at war with myself. So what do I do when I am at war with myself? I cry. A lot. Because I hate not being able to express myself through my words.

I can get myself into such a state. I am living with constant rollercoaster and I’m pretty sure the downs wouldn’t be as bad if I opened up when they were happening. I know I should, okay? I’m very much aware of the complications I create myself, but it’s not as simple as that to me. My brain has so much trouble with the ‘grey’ area, and even though it may not seem like it, I am working on that. It’s just hard. To me, a simple thing, would be blown way out of proportion because of the way I can’t express myself depending on the mood I am in. Sometimes I am so easy to get along with. I can take a joke and everything is great. However, sometimes I just lose control, and all the little things getting to me become too much.

I worry that the “little things” aren’t so little. I worry that those problems, will be too much and there’s no turning back, which is why I don’t discuss them. Then, when all the little ones build up, I lose it and by that point, there isn’t a chance to turn back. Slowly i’m accepting that I need to address things quickly, but I also need those nearest to me to understand that when I say I’m okay, its because I don’t want to talk about it and its not an invitation to ask further questions. That is one sure way, not to get me to open up.

I get so scared that people are going to leave me because of some of the thoughts that go through my head. There are times where I know I am being stupid but for some reason I can’t stop myself, its a defense mechanism. I get so scared people are going to leave so I push them away before they get a chance. Or, they get too close and I have to shut them out because IF they were to leave, it would utterly destroy me. I don’t believe that I am enough, I was hurt so badly that I can’t accept it when things are going well. That same fear creeps in because my past has taught me that even the ones that are supposed to never leave, will. So the ones that say they will never leave, still could.

I have walls up for my own protection. There are days where my existence feels lonely and isolated, because the fear has grown so strong, that I have no choice but to suffer in silence. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that my feelings are sometimes overbearing. I can be completely rational one moment and the slightest change in my feelings, will cause my brain to do a complete 180 and I can’t slow it down or even stop it. I feel like I can’t love myself so why should anyone else. I lose count of how much I ask that I’m enough because I have never felt like it. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have no confidence when it comes to myself. Yet, I can put on one hell of a persona, and that persona would have you believe that I could do anything I set my mind too. The truth is, I’m so scared to be who I really am, because who I am is emotional and overwhelming. My mind is a whirlwind but sometimes, its more of a blessing than a curse.

Nothing in this world is easy, I know that from my hard past. Yet, I am still fighting so that has to count for something. I still write, even though I think there isn’t a point some days. I still try because if I do give up, I’m teaching Luna that it’s okay to stop when things get too tough. The truth is, you can take a break. Sometimes a break from all situations will do you more good than you realise. I may not have been able to write for a while, but I’m still trying.

I battle myself each and every day. I don’t think I can remember when I didn’t battle myself over something. I battle whether or not to bring something up or to bury it till it finds its own way out later. I battle whether to walk out my door and face people even though I feel like a failure. I battle with every thought and feeling, questioning if it’s rational or not. So remember that the next time I do decide to open up. Because I would have battled myself for hours on whether or not to say something.

Every one has their own battles, and most of the time, we can’t see them. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t pushing through them and trying. It’s the ones that don’t give up, even when life gives them so many reasons too. I try even on the days where I feel like running and hiding. Sometimes I fail and that takes a serious toll on me. But on the times that I don’t, I know nobody can take it away from me. This life with borderline is hard, but I haven’t stopped trying yet.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️