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Mumma Life!

My one and only…

Anyone who is a parent, knows that when it comes to their child, they come first most of the time. They put their children above nearly everything they do, only occasionally taking time out for themselves. And I’m no exception to that. My daughter is and will always be the most important person in my life. I have done things for her, that I would never have imagined. But if I didn’t, I could honestly say I would have been putting my needs above hers.

Luna is an amazing, funny, sweet, caring and truly delightful little lady who I have the pleasured privilege of calling my daughter. She is truly intelligent, loves music and brightens up my darkest moments just by being herself. She amazes me each and every day, from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to sleep, she is perfect and beyond describable with words. Just a few minutes with her, and I can guarantee that your mind would have been changed.

I knew when I gave birth, that I was going to face problems that I wished I didn’t and I’m not going to lie, most of the time I don’t know how to overcome them, but I try my best with my daughters wellbeing at the forefront of my mind. And I remember sitting with her father and talking about many what if scenarios. And one of the things we spoke about was, what if people pretend to want to be in her life only not to bother months later.

My daughter is almost 3. And I can honestly say that so much has changed in the past 3 years, that those who met Luna when she was a baby, would be shocked if they could see her now. That so many people who swore to stand by my baby’s side, have turned their back on her and forgotten she existed.

I swore that I would do anything in my power, to make sure that no one ever hurt my little girl. I swore that she would only have people in her life that wanted the best, that put in the effort and that treated her like she deserved to be treated. I swore that I would put her first and make sure that she is surrounded by those that love and protect her. She is the most important person in my life and I would do anything to make sure that she is happy and loved.

Luna has such a special bond with my sister and her boyfriend, my niece and my baby sister and brother. She has amazing bond with her father and with her pop pops. She loves her babe (Leanne, my best mate) and even my best friend overseas. She is loved by Nicole and by Stevi. And I’m thankful that she has so many people that put so much time and effort into spending time with her, even if its a simple video call to check up on her.

If you phoned her, you’d know that she loves to play with her bubbles, she loves to show off her teddys and do her ABC’s. She would run around showing you her exercises, telling you colours of things and making random food combinations. She would tell you how she’s mummy’s princess and how she loves the moon. She would dance around the room to her favourite songs, play on her keyboard and play hide and seek.

But it doesn’t matter, because to various members of her family, wouldn’t know that. They wouldn’t know because they don’t bother with her. They miss out on her and all her little quirks. Some of her family have never met her, they don’t know that her favourite fruit is strawberries, or her favourite teddy is Skye. They don’t know that she watches Cars and will dance around the soundtrack or that right now, she absolutely loves watching Sing because of the different music in it. They don’t know that she learned to walk later than most girls, but hasn’t stopped running circles around everyone in her life. They haven’t seen the way her face lights up when she see’s animals or how she asks for a goat atleast once a week.

There is only one person I have ever said, will not be welcome in Luna’s life. That’s because when Luna was born, both her father and I gave this woman a chance to prove that she can be a stable person in Luna’s life and she repaid me by trying to get my daughter taken off me on neglect charges… neglect over someone she has never met or even spoke to. Everyone else, I let them have many chances. I let them pretend to care, to send gifts but never actually making an effort. I let them pay for things for her, without them even engaging in her life because I have too, otherwise she’d have very little family.

But it hurts. It hurts that my daughter misses out on seeing or hearing from her family because they simply don’t remember she exists. I can’t remember the last time they actually put effort into her and that upsets me. They’ve missed out on two birthdays so far, and yet I have to keep giving them chances because otherwise I’m seen as a bitch. I love my daughter, and I want her to have the best chance in life, which means biting my tongue when it comes to the lack of effort put in by her family since we moved.

Luna is my world. She is the brightest star in the night sky, and the bluest skies during the day. She has an infectious smile and the biggest cuddles that make you feel better instantly. She is my ray of sunshine and my moon in a pitch black sky. She gave me the best title of all, mum and that’s a title I embrace. I just wish her family could see how important she is. That even at this young age, she’s one of the best things to ever happen to them.

So to my daughter, I love you little lady, and even though there a list of people who can’t be bothered with you, there is a longer more detailed list of people that would support and love you each and every day. The list of those who adore you, will always be longer than the list of people missing out. I can’t force them to be more involved in your life, but I will spend a lifetime making up for their lack of effort. Because you are the best person in my life, the strongest and sassiest little girl that I couldn’t imagine a life without. You changed my life for the better, so in turn, I will make sure I give you the best life I can.

To all those that have family that they haven’t bothered with in a while, pick up the phone and just talk to them. Tell them you’re thinking of them and that they will always have a place in your life because family is one of the strongest bonds you can have. Thank you all for reading my post, it means a lot to have your support, and I promise to try and write more. No matter what you’re doing, if you need a chat or someone to pick you up, I will try my best, just don’t be afraid to get in touch. You can find me on twitter, facebook or Instagram. And remember wherever you are in the world, whatever your feelings are right now, just smile because the world needs to see it.

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Give Thanks!

100 Blog Posts!

Today marks my 100th blog post for OpenUpWithMe and I thought I’d use this post to celebrate.

I’ve come a long way since I started writing back in semi consistently back in 2018. I have covered a range of topics from mental health, being a first time mum as well as my own personal battles and accomplishments. I had the absolute privilege to interview one of my favourite upcoming singer/songwriters as well as creating fun lists that just distract my mind a little. I’ve covered many issues that are prominent in a life filled with BPD and still manage to take time to process it all.

In the last few years, I’ve come a long way emotionally and mentally but still have far to go. I’ve taken small steps and overcome things I thought I wouldn’t. And I’ve lost people I thought I would have had in my life forever.

I gained and lost one of my best friends. And even though that hurt and cut deep, I wont continue to be upset about it. Because even though they are no longer in my life, I am more thankful for them than many others I have lost over the two years. Without them, this blog wouldn’t be what it is today because I wouldn’t have been holding on for the possibility of a brighter future. I owe them so much, and there will always be a space for them in my life because I owe them it. They talked me down from suicide, spent hours on the phone to me, trying to distract me from the negatives and spent hours texting me so that I never felt alone. So thank you!

I’ve had some of highest highs and the lowest lows and it was always my best friends that picked me up and helped me see sense. I am truly lucky to have so many people looking out for me. I am lucky to have so many people to turn to in my lowest times, even if I don’t when I know deep down I should.

In almost two years, I have had some amazing feedback, and created bonds that go beyond just writing. I have been fortunate enough to inspire so many others to write their own journeys, to piece together their own feelings and to put pen to paper and write what they know. I have had countless people write to me, expressing how I’ve helped them and that they are thankful I’m writing because I have found the words to say when they couldn’t. I now have over 115 followers, over 3900 views and more than 2000 visitors. My words have been viewed in countries around the world by people I have never met. My blog wont ever be the biggest or most popular but I have helped more people than I thought I would and that has been my greatest reward. The stats don’t matter unless my words mean something to someone.

When I first started this blog, it was to process my thoughts and feelings and now its turned into something more. I have been planning blog posts, thinking of ideas and trying to make my blog something more. I love writing, its one of the best ways I found of expressing the things that I have trouble saying. Last year, I saved up to pay for my own website and to try and make it even bigger, however I feel like a part of me done it prematurely. And as of August this year, this sites domain will change back to the original one.

Thank you to every single reader. To every person that has been in touch and to every person that has followed me and pushed me to write more, thank you. Thank you to every single person that has sat up with me and been there when I’ve had trouble writing. Thank you to the few people that I love more because they have pushed me and each every day.

As this blog piece comes to an end, my blog however will continue. I will continue to write pieces and find ways to keep pushing on with all this craziness. If anyone wants to get in touch, you can find me on twitter, facebook and Instagram. I’ll answer any time of day because every single person in this world matters. I hope where ever you are in the world, you’re happy and healthy. So until the next time, I hope that no matter what, you never lose your smile.

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Monthly Update!

The end of a decade…

A lot can happen in a year. This time last year, I was coming up to a very dark patch. I started cutting again and even went to the train station ready to end my life. I was prepared to leave my daughter without a mother, and yes, I am aware of how much of a prick that makes me. I was underweight, and having trouble eating. I was living in a toxic environment and couldn’t see any way out. I was afraid of opening up to my boyfriend, because I knew he resented me and because of it, he didn’t care the way he should have. I started this year with 5 cuts on wrist, thankfully only three of them were deep enough to scar. I started this year closer to people that I had met a few months earlier, compared to my family and partner. I didn’t quite understand just how low I was going to get or how I was going to get out of it.

This year taught me a lot!

I learnt that not everyone in your life is meant to be around, or even deserves a place in your life. I learnt that some of my best friends, are people that I speak to once a week, however its always like no time has passed. I learnt that I deserved better than what some people could give and that’s not their fault. I learnt that time and circumstances can change a lot of things, including feelings. I learnt that music will always save me if I let it. I learnt more about being a mother and the kind of mother I want to be. I learnt that just because you’re related to people, doesn’t mean they have an automatic right to be in your life, if they are toxic or offer nothing better than negativity, then they shouldn’t be around.

However, I am thankful for this year because it has been one of my hardest. It pushed and pulled me more than any year before. It tested me more than I thought possible, but it also brought more happiness and love than I thought existed. I realised more about who I am as a person and more about the things that I went through. I left a relationship that despite all the positive parts, wasn’t working and since then we have both come a long way. I found that I deserve more happiness than I give myself credit for, I also know I need to stop living in the past and beating myself up for past mistakes because I have come a long way from the person I was at the start.

I got back in contact with some people that continue to change my life each and every day. I found my way to someone who was my best friend during my school years, and even though neither of us are those girls anymore, our friendship has grown and transformed into something far greater. She is someone that I will always be able to count on, and I know there are days where she feels like she can’t handle what life throws at her, I am there to remind her how far she has come. She is smashing goals and reaching dreams and I am so thankful to have even a tiny part in her life.

I have also learned that I live in my own head most of the time. I tend to believe what my head is telling me, even if logic is telling me that it’s not true. I will shut people out if I think they are getting too close because its easier to blame myself. I already think so little of myself that it’s not hard to believe what I know to be lies by others. Most of the time I am aware but there are times that I don’t know what to believe, and the negatives always seem more likely. I learned that I need to work on my emotions, and I am hoping that I will be able to do that via therapy… IF the person I’m supposed to be talking to doesn’t mumble like a dick. I learnt that I am the first to shut down and turn myself off in an argument. I will act like I don’t care even if I do. Its easier when people leave that way.

I realised that I am probably the reason many people leave. I am very closed off. If I get the slightest impression that you’re getting ready to leave my life, I will push you out so that I can always blame myself. I turn people aware even if I know they are trying to help me. I can’t help it. I am so scared of being alone that I make sure I spend most of my time that way. At least then no one can get close enough to hurt me again. I learnt that I have a wall. Its supposed to keep me safe, to keep out people that only have negative intentions, however, I end up shutting everyone out because I have lost touch with what is true and what isn’t.

I learnt that I believe I am a failure nine out of ten days and because of it, want to quit more times than I do. I look at where I wanted to be and how many things just went downhill and how I still punish myself for not being able to do what I should. I realised that just because this isn’t where I saw myself ten years ago, its still a step up! I spend most of my days with the cutest little lady that I could have created, I must know all about the silly things like Paw Patrol and Trolls. I have to recite the names as she picks up her figurines repeatedly. I put up with films like Frozen, Trolls and Moana on repeat for weeks at a time and I wouldn’t change it because her smile is worth it. I may not have a striving law career, but I have a little lady who depends on me and that tops it!

I have grown in a huge way. I started to be the mother I should have been all along. I haven’t quite stopped punishing myself for the post-natal depression, but I am making sure that is not the person I continue to be. I have tried to let people in, even if I do have a fear of it. I have started to build a life that I want to be proud of, however I still have a long way to go. I know what I want to do with my life, and hopefully once my mind and I aren’t at war, I can start reaching my goals. Just because I’m not there right now, doesn’t mean I won’t get there. I get to end this year with celebrating my beautiful daughters’ birthday and then celebrating Christmas with her face for the first year in our flat. And I can’t wait.

As the door on 2019 closes, I am looking forward to the new decade. I am going to be stronger and happier because that’s what my daughter deserves. I will be taking on new challenges and hopefully finishing my novel that just sits in my creative writing folder that I haven’t touched in months. I will be spending more time with the people I call my best friends and creating memories with our children in places that we spent time in our youth. I will be making memories with my daughter and showing her that happiness comes from inside. People can only affect you if you let them. I will be leaving behind the saddest parts of the decade and looking to my future. It has the power to be whatever I want to make it. I will learn to love myself the way I should. I will learn to appreciate everything that makes me unique and those that make me a force to reckoned with.

I want to thank every single person that has been reading my blog for the duration of this year. It’s been up, its been down but most of all, its been real. Its one of the only ways I can release my emotions in a way that doesn’t have any restrictions. Thank you for giving me a space to do that and for giving me the support that you have. My blog has brought me many new faces that have changed my way of thinking and helped me not give up on it when I wanted too. As always, you can check out my Facebook page, Instagram and Twitter to keep up dated on all things blog related. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re having a positive time and don’t forget to keep smiling. Ferrari ❤

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Open Letters!

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!

 

Categories
Mumma Life!

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

Categories
Give Thanks!

I couldn’t have done it without you…

Originally, I wasn’t going to blog today. I was going to work on some of the pieces that I have coming out over this month, plus a fair chunk of this morning and early afternoon was spent sorting out bits for the podcast but yet, I found I had to write a post today because you amazing readers got me to 2000 views today and for that, I am incredibly proud.

We did it! ❤️

 

I never thought that I’d have doubled my views within in a year and to say that I have, is incredible. I never thought that my blog would be read by so many of you around the world, yet here I am with views in over 20 countries. So, thank you to every single person that has read any of my posts! It doesn’t matter if you’re a regular reader or it’s your first time. Thank you for all your support and great feedback. Thank you for following my journey through many different areas of my life.

I started this blog to have a way to try to process how I was feeling and what was going on in my life and in two years, you guys have helped me grow and given me something to work towards. Since starting, I have had people reach out and tell me how I inspired them to write their own journeys or helped them realise that they aren’t alone in this big bad world and that matters! I love writing, but I love the fact that I can help people through my writing.

I hope each person has a great day and enjoys the little accomplishments. Because each little accomplishment are the building blocks to completing your goals. Check me out on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

Categories
Update❤️

It’s that time again…

If any of you follow me on my forms of social media, you would have seen that I posted a poll a few days ago regarding an update on my blog. I got about 7 votes with 4 for status update and 3 for a new post. So as I sat there, writing my update for you guys, I realised that the post would have been too long for a status so a blog post it is!

Firstly, I want to thank each and every person that visits my blog. For the last year, I have had an average of 120+ people visiting it each month and that makes me so proud! I cant believe that people all over the world are reading what I have to say. That is just incredible and figured it was about time for a major overhaul!

  • I want to write more. I feel like so many of you take the time to read what I write, even though sometimes, I feel like its just a load of words thrown together, you guys still support me and because of it, I want to give you more content! I have written up a plan with a blog post coming every other day of next month as a trial!
  • I want to increase engagement. Next month, I have a couple of post ideas that would be brilliant with the help of my amazing followers on my social media! Whether its facebook, twitter or insta, I want my readers to be able to engage more and help me create better content that you readers actually want to read!
  • Setting new targets. My original target for my blog was to get 50 followers and I am two away! That is incredible and I am so thankful to every single person that has signed up to read what a 25 year old from a small town in England thinks and feels. I surpassed my target for my facebook page of 50 followers and I am currently sitting at 76. I smashed that target and gained over 20 followers in one day and I am thankful to those that shared my page. You are helping my out more than you know. I wouldn’t be able to write, if I didn’t feel like what I say matters.
  • Interviews! I want to get out and meet more people that have impacted my life and helped me in ways that I can’t explain. I want my readers to see how and why these people continue to inspire me, each and every day! I want to engage with more of my followers and have their say in things that are affecting them.
  • A Podcast. It’s in the early stages, but I am proud to announce that me and my niece will be teaming up on a new venture together. It will be coming out in the new year, with more details to come as we get closer to the dates we have set. We have always been extremely close, not only in age but our bond is greater than just that of an aunt and niece, and we can’t wait to share it with you. If you’re on twitter, get following @ShitsGiggsPod for updates and news relating to it! We are hoping to roll out
  • Design! I have looking at different apps to try and give my blog more of a professional feel to it, with feature photos, better editing, and an attempt at planning my posts with more research.

Over the next few months, I will be rolling out some changes and trying to make my blog more of a personal touch. I am also looking into going private and paying for my own domain which gives me so many more options as well as the chance to start making my blog more of me and not a robot. I want to expand and I hope that all of you amazing people will be with me on the next parts to my journey. I want to thank those that have reached out to me because my blog has helped them personally or helped explain to others what it’s like. I have such a big heart that I love hearing from you guys and you can always message me. Whether its about mental health issues or you need a distraction, you can always reach out to me without fear or judgment.

I want to do my bit to bring a light to issues. I want to help people that aren’t okay right now but I also want to share my journey with you because it helps to know you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out, whether its facebook “openupwithmeblog”, twitter – @Openupwithme or Insta @OpenUpWithMe. What do you think of my blog? What do you think I should work on? What is an issue or topic that is close to your heart? I want to hear from you! As always, thank you for reading and I hope no matter where you are in the world, that you find a reason to smile. Ferrari.💞