Categories
Who am I?

What family means to me…

Family is more than the bonds you share with those that have similar DNA, its also about your extended family. The ones you may not be directly related too or even related to at all, but the connection that you share.

My family is difficult. My mum and I haven’t always gotten on and we have clashed more times than I care to remember and my dad wasn’t around as much as I would have liked, but they are still my parents and I love them more than words could ever express. I have siblings that have hated me more times than I want to think about. Easy to say I clash with just about every one of them which is probably more my fault than anyone else’s but that’s why I made a promise that I would never have a home environment like the one I was brought up in. A big part of my extended family has made little to no effort with me or my siblings, but this isn’t a bashing about why they weren’t a part of my life because I had amazing friends that made up for it.

On the days when I felt like my life wasn’t a priority for my parents (I have disabled brothers who were the priority and rightly so), I turned to some of the best friends I could have possibly asked for. My best friends are as much family as my sisters and brothers, only they stick around through choice. They have helped raise me into the person I am today. I mean, if you were to speak to my best friend throughout school, she would say that we raised each other and sometimes we didn’t always have the right intentions, but we still made it.

Family isn’t about blood, its about the ones that stick by your side on your darkest days. They are the ones that may not be in touch all the time but that you can count on if you really need them. My family are the ones that I don’t think id be here without. My best friends have sat up with me after heartaches, have held my hair back whilst I puked my guts up and made me food to make sure that I’ve eaten.

I never wanted Luna to have to worry about family that weren’t around. The ones that send gifts to make up for their lack of trying and putting an effort in. The ones that have never so much as heard her voice let alone seen her smile. I always said I would protect her from those that didn’t have her as a priority, but I can’t. However, the family that aren’t related are the ones trying and coming around to spend time with her on a regular basis. The ones that facetime her once a week just so she knows that they are not as far away as she thinks. I mean she sees my mother and siblings practically every day since that’s where her father lives, but they are building a connection with her. They are the ones trying and putting the effort in.

Family isn’t about the ones that buy you gifts to make up for their lack of love. They aren’t the ones that buy your affection. They are the ones that would travel to the ends of the earth to help you out. And I’m super lucky, because mine goes beyond just my siblings. I have cousins who would move heaven and earth to make sure that I’m okay. I have aunts and uncles who know some of my darkest secrets but aren’t always around. They don’t have to send expensive gifts because they are just around the corner and I can see them whenever I need too. But I have the greatest friends I could ask for! Because they are my family and I wouldn’t know who I was or where I was going without their love and support. You guys are awesome! Thank you for not giving up on me. For fighting with me but loving me regardless!

What about you? What does family mean to you? Is it people you share DNA with regardless of their presence in your life? Are you like me and count your friends as your family? Let me know. Reach me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Email me! I hope you and your families are loved and connected throughout your lives and remember, keep smiling.

Categories
Mumma Life!

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

Categories
Ferrari❤️ Lifestyle❤️

“Openupwithme”

How fitting that my blog be called open up with me and yet it’s the area I struggle with most. That makes me a hypocrite right? Because I talk about opening up and yet I just lost one of my best friends because I couldn’t physically open up to him and I’m not going to lie to you guys, it’s sucks! I can sit here and say how it’s not my fault but it really is. I hit self destruct and the people I love are collateral damage. That’s my toxic trait. The fact that I can’t open up and I lose people because of it.

When something small bothers me, it grows and grows. One tiny little thing, grows and manifests itself to the point of an avalanche comes over me that’s beyond my control. Now I could avoid this avalanche of shit if I just opened up about the things that were bothering me. If I just said what little thing was getting to me instead of ignoring it and burying it. Because that’s when it grows. It feeds of the fact that I didn’t address it until the point it warps the truth and reality. To the point it twists my brain into thinking the worst possible scenario. But I can’t do it. I can’t open up and let people in because I feel low and defeated that my brain isn’t thinking normally. Because I feel pathetic and needy that I took something in a way I knew I shouldn’t but it hurt none the less. Because I feel irritating and clingy that I need to be reassured so much. Because I’m scared that if I let you in and say the wrong thing, you’ll leave anyway.

It’s not all the time and that’s what makes this harder. Because, there are some days where I have strength and determination. I have days where I’m so easy to get along with and could talk about everything yet a few months ago, I hit self destruct and lost sense of reality and I’ve been struggling to find it ever since. But that means that right now, I’m hard work. It’s hard work to think normally and act normally when my brain is the complete opposite.

I know I have to let people in. I know the wall needs to come down. I know that fear stops me. But I’m trying. Because the people I love deserve better than me being closed. So I’m sorry. I know sorry is just a word and doesn’t change anything, but I want to open up more. Especially to the ones I love, I just have trouble finding the words. I refuse to lose anyone else because of this wall. Brick by brick, it’s going to come down.

I will find a way to let people in. I have to or I’ll lose everyone.

*UPDATE*

So thank you to each and every person that has read just one of my blog pieces, and a massive thank you to my subscribers. You guys are amazing! Each and every person that has visited my blog has helped me smash my first target of 1000 views and I truly appreciate your support. I can’t believe that things I’ve written have been read all over the world. It’s read by people I love and adore, as well as people I don’t know personally. It’s read in my hometown and it’s read on the other side of the world. That’s unbelievable. So thank you! I have so many plans for my blog which I will give you guys a proper update soon, I’m just taking some personal time. I’m going to blog sporadically for a while, just whilst I focus on myself and my baby girl. But your support is appreciated and I am truly thankful. Until next time, Ferrari.❤️

Categories
Health❤️

Facing my fear… take two.

So a fortnight and a day ago, I wrote how I was supposed to be going to the dentist. It never happened. I had a massive panic attack and couldn’t face it. I couldn’t get out the door, I was physically sick and exhausted my body because I couldn’t sleep. I made sure to shut people out and I avoided answering questions about it. However, I made another appointment with the hopes that I could get myself out of the door. That appointment was today.

There weren’t too many people that knew it was today because I didn’t want to make a big deal about not going if I couldn’t. I woke up at about 3 from a bad dream and knew today was going to suck. Luna woke up about 4ish and didn’t go back off to sleep for ages, so my nights sleep was broken which meant I was shattered. It was about 8 when I woke up properly to Luna playing which is so cute and then reality hit. I got triggered because I was scared about something going wrong, I was scared about having a bad reaction or not being able to come home because my blood pressure had dropped and I didn’t want to go.

I was in a state and that lasted most of the morning. I cried so much that my eyes were swollen and I just wanted to sleep and yet I knew I couldn’t. Luna was being funny so I didn’t want to leave her without Kieran so it meant I had to find someone else to come with me. Which caused drama! Finding a replacement chaperone isn’t the easiest thing last minute, but it had to be done. Thankfully, I have a lovely neighbour who agreed to come with me and it was pretty awesome because we had a cool catch up and it had been a while so it was really nice to hang out with him even in the circumstances. I also have an amazing best friend who told me I could do it and every chance they could. And I am beyond thankful for them. I’m pretty blessed!

Before I had left for the dentist, I must have cried about 10 times. Every time I would stop and then 5 minutes later, start crying again because of nerves and fear. Yet, as soon as I left the house, I knew I would do it. I knew I had it in me because I found my strength. And I went. I met up with him on the tube and we chatted the whole time about life and silly things. By the time we got there, we had covered everything from fashion to Netflix and it was pretty interesting. After going up 26 floors and waiting for what felt like an eternity, I was called and I walked to the chair that had kept me awake and yet I didn’t have any work done!!

I sat in the chair under the impression that I was beginning the sedation and thank goodness, I WASN’T!! I had worked myself into such a state over a bit of pink mould and some imprints of my remaining teeth. It was so strange and it was like nail varnish remover was in my mouth. (It wasn’t. It was from the stuff they put on the mould to stop it sticking to the gum shield thing.) I swear, when she was getting the top mould off I thought she was going to take my remaining teeth with her. It was uncomfortable. But that was it.

I sat in the dentists chair and I didn’t cry! I did that! No tears at the dentist for me today! That’s an achievement and I am so proud of myself for doing it. Although I was scared and had worked myself up, I managed to sit there and not get upset. I kept my emotions in check whilst she checked my teeth and took the imprints. I did that and it may have taken years but I know that I am stronger than fear.

I want you to push your boundaries. Face your fears. Because that’s the only way we can grow. Today, I felt a sense of pride in an achievement that two weeks ago, seemed impossible. I want you to embrace life because fear needs you to be scared in order to win. And I know I don’t want to live in fear of the dentists anymore. One visit down, a fair few more to go. But that’s one step closer!!

I hope you are all well and having a great day. Thank you for reading. And I’ll write again soon. Ferrari ❤️

Categories
Ferrari❤️

A confused mind…

Have you ever spent every day talking to someone only to drift apart? Have you put time and effort into someone only to have it thrown back in your face? Have you ever sat there and thought, if I didn’t speak to them, would we talk? Yep. Losing people sucks.

Unfortunately it happens a lot. Throughout my life I’ve lost people that I never imagined my life without but gained people I didn’t even know existed. I’ve had friendships fall and for the other person to become a stranger I once knew. And I hate it. I hate the fact that one minute we can be extremely close to someone, slowly you drift apart and the next it’s been months and you’ve forgotten each other. I hate that people can come in and out of lives thanks to social media and technology.

Recently I’ve ghosted everyone. I swear, I’ve even ghosted the people in this house at various points over the last couple of weeks and I’m sorry. I’ve just been distracted. It’s not you guys. It’s that coping with my head has become a lot to handle and I feel like I’m failing. I thought that I was losing some of the people I held close, I thought that I was failing as a friend and a person. I wasn’t. My mind was playing tricks on me like it loves to do. But I’ve been feeling like I don’t matter because people can just leave when they feel like it. I have abandonment issues as well as a constant nagging feeling of being too close to people because I feel vulnerable. I feel like if I let people in, they leave. I’ve lost people because I don’t open up yet I don’t open up because I lose people. It’s a vicious circle and one that I know I need to break.

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could stop myself but it’s so hard. I can’t open up anymore. I’ve done it so many times and fallen flat and defeated. Right now, I feel like I’m out of control, I feel like my fears are controlling me and when I try to stop it, I’m lost. But I’m sorry that right now, I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t because I’m expected to be okay. I mean as everyone tells me, I have a perfect little family and could want nothing more. And yes, I appreciate Kieran and Luna so much, but if that were true, my mind would be okay.

I feel drained because every day is a battle that nobody can see. I feel exhausted because I can’t open up without fear of losing the ones I love most. So I sit tight and wait for my mind to settle. But it’s not. Monday, I have to sit across from a therapist and tell them the things that are on mind and maybe I’ll be a little calmer. I feel like all the colour has been drained from my life. That nothing makes sense and the world around me is in flames. I feel like I’m destroying everything and I can’t stop myself.

This picture isn’t perfect. It’s not in colour. It shows my imperfections. But it’s me. It’s who I am.

I’ll write again soon. But mentally, I can’t cope with my head. I can’t write it down because I don’t make sense of it. I hope that wherever you are right now, you’re not alone. Because having people around you that care, is something that shouldn’t be underestimated. I hope you’re okay and having a great day. Until I write again, Ferrari. ❤️

If you’re not already, follow me on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook by searching “OpenUpWithMe”❤️

Categories
Health❤️

Arguing with people…

I hate having arguments with people yet, I seem to have loads. I mean, I’m a lot better than I used to be but I know I still have a long way too go. I’m a very argumentative person and sometimes that is my downfall.

Part of the reason I argue with so many people is because I don’t open up when I should or because I get way too emotionally involved in the argument. Most of the time, I am way too passionate and it comes across the wrong way. I mean, I happen to believe that as soon as you’re shouting during an argument, you’ve lost. I lose all the time. I can’t help but shout if I feel like I am not being listened too. 

When I argue with people, or even have a disagreement, I get worried that they are just going to go. I mean I watched people all my life, argue and then disappear. So when I do have a little disagreement, I push them away because I believe it’s only a matter of time before they disappear and I get scared. That is something I need to work on, and I am trying but, Rome wasn’t built in a day and I can’t fix myself that quickly either.

I’m the type of person who cannot stand going to sleep on an argument. I feel like it just makes everything so much worse. If they can’t be sorted straight away, I honestly don’t think they will ever get sorted. The longer it takes, the less hope that it will be okay is there. I wish I could. I wish I could just leave it and not worry but it’s so hard. Yet, there are other times, where I’ve gotten to the point that I cant physically be asked to argue anymore and that’s worse. Because, the day I stop arguing, is the day I stop caring. If I don’t see the point in fighting for what I believe in, I just stop and let it go. I have fought for everything in my life, and I have fought to get my voice heard, I wont stay down and I will continue to fight. I just wish it didn’t come with complications.

Recently I had a little disagreement that was blown out of control because I did something out of anger and fear. I didn’t think of the person in question and was selfish. The truth is, fear will always make the worst of the situation if you let it. The hardest part is telling fear that you will not become a victim to it. Had I done that, I probably wouldn’t feel like I’m losing one of my good friends. For the record, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I know that you were offended. I am sorry that I lashed out through fear, I’m sorry that I made you question how much you mean to me, believe me, I am more thankful for everything you do and I really do miss you. I know you don’t exactly want talk to me right now, but that doesn’t change that I am sorry. I could sit here and tell you how much I need and want you in my life, but right now, I know you need space. You just don’t realise how much this is killing me.

I know I am a handful. I know I am insecure and I drive everyone crazy. I know that I have issues that make this difficult but know that I care too much. I get scared all the time and its easier to push everyone away than let them in. I am sorry that so many people have got hurt in the process. I am trying to work on it, but I just can’t change every negative over night. I love each one of my friends dearly, and its the small things they do, that get me through every day. They are my strength on days where I feel weakest. I am sorry that you’re growing further apart. I am sorry that I can’t be “normal“.

Pink is powerful. ❤️

Just because I argue, doesn’t make me a bad person. Just an argumentative one. Hope you’re all okay. And don’t leave people that mean a lot to you, festering in bad moods and negative feelings. Don’t let them doubt how much they mean to you and don’t lose them. Because, you’ll be wishing they were there every day. Ferrari.❤️

Categories
Positive❤️

Friendship.

I don’t know where I’d be without my friends. I’m one of the luckiest girls because even though I don’t feel it, I have one of the greatest support networks. I have the greatest friends and this is a post all to them to say thank you. To me each one of my very close friends have shaped me in ways that I could never truly thank them for. They are the family we choose and my goodness, I definatly chose right. My friends are the ones that put up with me through choice and not obligation. They could have walked away at any point and they haven’t. They see me at my weakest and love me regardless.

Lemon; The girl that I first met, hated me. Probably with good reason but its true. I am not the easiest person to get along with and yet here she is a decade later a completely different woman and my best friend! I love this girl for so many reasons. She is the epitome of strength. I have seen this girl at her lowest and she is still the strongest mother I know! The last decade has shown her many things but she has never lost herself in the process. She is loyal and kind, two traits that are rare to find in someone. It doesn’t matter that we go weeks without speaking, I could speak to her and nothing would have changed. She still carries the biggest smile for the guys in her life and she puts them above everyone. I haven’t seen her in a few years due to being mothers and finding a balance isn’t the easiest but, I know that even at my lowest, she’s there, without question, without hesitation and without her, I’d have lost myself so many times.

(Since writing this, I spent a few nights with her and it was amazing! It was like the last 5 years hadn’t happened.)

My lemon and my little lady❤️

Piggy; She is my sister because of not only have we lived together and driven eachother crazy but because I love her and would do abosolutely anything for her. We have fallen out and every time it has been our children that brought us together. We have a bond that others question but we have come out the other side. She is completely bonkers and by far one of the greatest people you will ever meet. This woman is a mother, a carer, a bottom washer but she’s also a friend, a listener, and a comedian. Her laugh is contagious and gets her in trouble but it’s one I hope she never loses. When she lets you in to the person she really is, you see how pure and honest her heart is, and she needs to know how proud she makes me.

Even though she wants to kill me sometimes, she doesn’t cause she loves me deep down. Like way deep. In her toes. ❤️

LouLou; Her hair is the reason we are friends! It was her bright blue hair that made me click that we would be great friends. And she is. She’s been my valentines when our partners were busy, she’s been my singing partner on the back of the bus and she is the reason I got to see Ed Sheeran! She is down to earth and humble, loving and welcoming. She could be having the worst day and she’d never let you know because when she’s around others, she loses her fears and embraces the surroundings. I admire her more than she knows and respect her opinion more than most. She is the least judgemental person I know and can get along with anyone. She brings out the best in me and I couldn’t change her.

My LouLou with my leading lady❤️

Kingan; He makes me the luckiest girl alive because, well, he gave me our beautiful daughter who is beyond perfect in every way. He is an amazing father and that is something that when you see them together, you’d never doubt. Their bond makes me love him more and more each day because it’s beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He is my rock and my stability. He keeps me grounded even when he doesn’t realise it and I couldn’t thank him enough. I have trouble letting him in, some days I even tell him to leave and he doesn’t. I push him away more than anyone else because he makes me the most vulenerable and it’s something I know I need to work on. But he loves me every day and there isn’t a day where I have ever doubted that. He is level headed and I love him for it because when I do open up, he listens and tells me if he thinks I overstepped. Kieran is my man child and I love him beyond words.

Our little family ❤️

Jake; this is one of the hardest to write because right now we aren’t even talking but I will always consider him a friend. He cared about me when I gave up. He is the reason I am still standing. Because when I was at my lowest, he took the time to make sure I didn’t give up. Granted, I didn’t want the police involved but I know he did it because he cares. He’s truly a blessing, even when he doesn’t see it. Now I know he doubts himself, but I’ve seen him turn from a boy to a man and even though we argue ALOT, he is stronger and more determined that he realises. And I hope he never gives up on his dream, even when he receives hate, he still comes back and uploads another video and gets more contacts for his dream. I am proud of you, and I will always be here.

If you’re into non league football, go and check him out.

I couldn’t thank you guys enough. You’re the best friends a girl could ask for. You all put up with my outbursts and don’t hate me for it. Even when I lose all control. You’ve all put up with more than I ever thought possible, but it’s shown me that I am worthy of it. You guys are amazing and each one of you mean the world to me. Thank you. I love you all. ❤️