Categories
Give Thanks!

100 Blog Posts!

Today marks my 100th blog post for OpenUpWithMe and I thought I’d use this post to celebrate.

I’ve come a long way since I started writing back in semi consistently back in 2018. I have covered a range of topics from mental health, being a first time mum as well as my own personal battles and accomplishments. I had the absolute privilege to interview one of my favourite upcoming singer/songwriters as well as creating fun lists that just distract my mind a little. I’ve covered many issues that are prominent in a life filled with BPD and still manage to take time to process it all.

In the last few years, I’ve come a long way emotionally and mentally but still have far to go. I’ve taken small steps and overcome things I thought I wouldn’t. And I’ve lost people I thought I would have had in my life forever.

I gained and lost one of my best friends. And even though that hurt and cut deep, I wont continue to be upset about it. Because even though they are no longer in my life, I am more thankful for them than many others I have lost over the two years. Without them, this blog wouldn’t be what it is today because I wouldn’t have been holding on for the possibility of a brighter future. I owe them so much, and there will always be a space for them in my life because I owe them it. They talked me down from suicide, spent hours on the phone to me, trying to distract me from the negatives and spent hours texting me so that I never felt alone. So thank you!

I’ve had some of highest highs and the lowest lows and it was always my best friends that picked me up and helped me see sense. I am truly lucky to have so many people looking out for me. I am lucky to have so many people to turn to in my lowest times, even if I don’t when I know deep down I should.

In almost two years, I have had some amazing feedback, and created bonds that go beyond just writing. I have been fortunate enough to inspire so many others to write their own journeys, to piece together their own feelings and to put pen to paper and write what they know. I have had countless people write to me, expressing how I’ve helped them and that they are thankful I’m writing because I have found the words to say when they couldn’t. I now have over 115 followers, over 3900 views and more than 2000 visitors. My words have been viewed in countries around the world by people I have never met. My blog wont ever be the biggest or most popular but I have helped more people than I thought I would and that has been my greatest reward. The stats don’t matter unless my words mean something to someone.

When I first started this blog, it was to process my thoughts and feelings and now its turned into something more. I have been planning blog posts, thinking of ideas and trying to make my blog something more. I love writing, its one of the best ways I found of expressing the things that I have trouble saying. Last year, I saved up to pay for my own website and to try and make it even bigger, however I feel like a part of me done it prematurely. And as of August this year, this sites domain will change back to the original one.

Thank you to every single reader. To every person that has been in touch and to every person that has followed me and pushed me to write more, thank you. Thank you to every single person that has sat up with me and been there when I’ve had trouble writing. Thank you to the few people that I love more because they have pushed me and each every day.

As this blog piece comes to an end, my blog however will continue. I will continue to write pieces and find ways to keep pushing on with all this craziness. If anyone wants to get in touch, you can find me on twitter, facebook and Instagram. I’ll answer any time of day because every single person in this world matters. I hope where ever you are in the world, you’re happy and healthy. So until the next time, I hope that no matter what, you never lose your smile.

Categories
Health❤️

I ate a full meal!

You’re probably thinking, we do that everyday, why is it so special? But for me, to eat a full dinner is something that rarely happens, I thought I best celebrate it.

It may look repulsive to you, but my goodness, it was delicious.

I don’t normally post pictures of my food but this meal was truly delicious. The chicken was fried in BBQ seasoning mixed in with peppers and onions, boiled potatoes and green beans fried in butter. It was on a big plate and I’m not going to lie, I was a little overwhelmed by the amount of food, but I ate it! I even ate chocolate afterwards, but that’s because white chocolate is life. I ate enough of the big bar that I went out and brought a few more as it was originally Luna’s chocolate and I felt a little guilty.

I said that I would be keeping a food journal and for the last few days I have been. I’ve noticed that although breakfast is the most important meal of the day, I can only eat something light. At the moment, it’s a glass of orange juice and hot cross buns but I am also partial to a teacake. I guess something little is better than nothing at all. Right?  Today I had a chicken salad for lunch and again I ate it but it was on a little plate so I didn’t really question it. I will not eat toast or sandwiches for lunch so I have had a lot of salad, its not as filling as easier on my stomach. For tonight, we have the last bit of chicken, so it will probably be made with pasta and salad. Lets hope that I can actually finish tonight’s meal. 

I am encouraging myself to eat and some days its easier than others. I mean it helps that Kieran is an amazing cook and doesn’t mind trying out weird recipes that I concoct in my head. After all, some of our favourite meals have come about that way. I have noticed that I tend to avoid doing the same thing in a row and I prefer to eat it fresh than things that are frozen and I cannot let myself get too hungry or I become a horrible person. I have noticed that I starve myself the most when I feel like my emotions are out of control, so its a mixture of control and twisted self body image. It helps that I have such a great support network, my best friends celebrate every meal I managed to eat and keep down because to me, it’s a big thing. I am lucky like that.

I know that it’s not about to just disappear and I probably watch what I eat more than I let on, but I am getting better. I am finishing meals and I’m not wanting to be sick. I know that every day is a battle, to know that I estimate how many spoonful’s my dinner will take, which is unhealthy. I know that when I literally have to force myself to swallow my food, I am full and keeping a little down is better than bringing a lot back up. I know that I put my body through a lot, but finally I am starting to enjoy food enough to actually want to cook it. I am letting go of the control of how much I eat by knowing exactly what I’m eating. 

Tomorrow, I have the dentist! Yes, let me tell you I am dreading it! I am going to be having some work done which means I will be sedated, thank goodness!! It does mean that Kieran has to navigate the tubes with a very high person, (if I wasn’t out of it, id laugh, so you should be) but it means I wont be posting about it until maybe Tuesday? Depends how my body recovers from it, let’s hope the addisons stays in check or I wont be checking out of hotel de NHS. Hope you all have a great day and I will be back soon. Ferrari.❤️