Categories
Mental health

Why does everyone say, it will get easier?

You know that moment when your whole world comes crashing down and the person you’re in love with decides the relationship is never going to be worth it? That moment that shatters your heart into a million tiny pieces and nothing seems right. That moment that you just drop to the floor and ball your eyes out. Why is it, that when this happens, all those closest to you, feel the need to say, “don’t worry, it will get easier”…

Don’t you think that I know it will get easier and hearts get broken all the time, but in this moment, that doesn’t help. It doesn’t stop the tears from falling or your heart from aching. It doesn’t stop the memories that pop into your head and stay there until they have broken you down to tears. It doesn’t stop the sheer agony of knowing that all they will ever be is memories with no real chance of a future. It doesn’t magically get better over night. It takes days, weeks even months to truly get over a heartbreak and yes, some days will get easier, but right now, that is the last thing they need to hear.

Losing someone you’re in love with, is one of the hardest and most damaging things that can happen. It takes down every wall that you built to stop yourself getting broken and destroys all hope you had inside of things get better. You can’t just turn off how you feel and stop the pain. You can’t just switch of your tear ducts and stop crying. You can’t just smile and pretend because one of the reasons you had to smile is gone.

I think it’s harder when they decide that they’ve had enough. When they decide they never want to think about or speak to you again. It’s hard to just stop all the memories of times shared at the click of your fingers. But it’s even harder when you lived together. When everywhere you turn, there is some reminder of a presence that no longer is going to be around. But the hardest part about losing the person you’re in love with, is the moment they say they regretted ever being with you. Because that means they regretted every moment spent together and sometimes that’s a lot.

It’s hard to look around and not think about you. It’s hard to not go to message you even though I know everything’s blocked. It’s harder knowing that you’ll never be there again. That I’ll never get to hold you or kiss you because even though you’re out there somewhere, I’m no longer active in your life. It hurts knowing that whenever you think about me, feels you with pain and anger. Knowing that just the mention of my name, is enough to make you want to scream. I’m sorry for that.

There’s a part of me that wants to say I’m sorry and I regret us. Just because i know it’s what you want to hear. But that doesn’t mean I feel it. I feel anger at everyone for telling me to just move on and forget about it. But how do you forget about someone who meant everything to you? I’m not sorry we got together and I’ll never apologise for being with you. Because you have my heart. If you didn’t, this would be so much easier to deal with. If I wasn’t in love with you, I wouldn’t so much as shed a tear. But I am. And that’s not going to disappear in the blink of my tear filled eyes.

I’ve tried to convince myself that it’s over but my heart doesn’t want to admit what my brain already knows. My heart won’t stop beating for you and I just wish it would. Because this hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt before. One day I will get over you, I haven’t exactly got much of a choice. But right now, I’m not. I’m hurting. And I’m sorry.

I want to look to the future, but this future is one that doesn’t consist of you. You were my best friend, I could tell you anything and know that you wouldn’t judge me out loud. You know me better than I’ve ever known myself and I felt safer with you than anyone else. I thought I knew that no matter what, we’d have gotten through everything. I just didn’t realise that was the biggest lie I told myself. So I’m being honest, that no matter how much I want to hate you, I can’t. No matter how much I wish I didn’t, I am in love with you, so until those feelings go and you’re not captivating every waking thought, I’m going to focus on myself and Luna.

Thank you for helping me become a better mother and person. Thank you for everything you did for me and every time you picked up the pieces. Thank you for being the guy I loved and the guy who had my heart. Even though I’m gone from your life, I wish you nothing but love and happiness. It’s about time you found your forever. I just wish, it was me.

Categories
Mental health

What happens next?

In my last blog post, I wrote how I was walking away from blogging. Believe me, I had every intention to walk away. I closed down both my Instagram and twitter pages dedicated to my blog because I couldn’t do it anymore. However, I’ve had a few people reach out and ask me to continue.

Thank you! Your words mean a lot to me and I have listened. So, those people got in touch and told me that my blog helped them on days where they felt they couldn’t get out of bed and my blog posts just helped them feel less isolated. When I first started writing, it was a place where I could express how I felt and things that were happening to me. I wrote because I loved it and because I wanted to help others that may have similar feelings to me. I have a habit of shutting people out because I feel like a burden, I have a habit of believing that I’m alone with no support and I know that it’s not true but there are times where I believe it.

It’s so hard to walk away from doing what I love, it’s even harder when I’ve had people getting in touch saying how impacted they were. I am so touched by the amount of support I’ve had, that I realised I wasn’t ready to give up. However, I won’t be blogging as much as I tried. Maybe one day I’ll go back to attempting a blog a day but right now, there is simply too much going on in and out of my head, that I don’t want to commit and running myself into the ground.

That being said, I would like to talk about some things that have been going on in my life recently and explaining where my head is at. Please bare in mind, that a lot of this, is still very much affecting me. And I won’t try and pretend to have all the answers. Because I don’t. I do however want to write and help people that are going through something similar.

Recently, I went through a really heartbreaking and emotionally draining thing. I might write about it at a later date, but right now it’s still very raw. But the truth is, I went through a miscarriage, alone because my boyfriend couldn’t be with me. It was horrible and if I’m honest, although there are many reasons why having a baby right now, isn’t the right move. But it still hurts.

I am so happy for my friends and family that are pregnant and celebrating their milestones for their children. Whether it be announcing their pregnancies, gender reveals or announcing their births. I am so beyond happy for them and want them to embrace every tiny detail to do with their pregnancies and births. Don’t hold back because you think it will be too upsetting for me. I don’t want you to do that. But there are days where I feel guilty for getting upset. I’m not upset because they’re celebrating them but because right now, it’s too raw right now.

If I’m completely honest, right now, I’m a wreck. My mind hurts day after day. My heart aches. My stomach is in knots and I spend most of my evenings upset and crying so much that my eyes are too puffy to do much else. I feel like I’m a failure. In just about everything that I do, I fail. I feel like there are no words to describe how I’m feeling.

It doesn’t help that I’ve found yet another bald patch. Nothing helps when that happens. I know my body is under too much stress and I just wish I knew how to make it stop. But even I can’t do that. I just can’t seem to stop everything getting to me.

I may not write as much as I did. But I will try and write as much as I can. Whether it’s a release of my emotions, or to address issues. Nobody said life would be easy, and some days it feels like it’s impossible to get out of bed. On those days, just remember that even getting out of bed, is an achievement! Stop being so hard on yourself. Everyone has bad days, we just can’t let those bad days control our lives.

Until the next time, where ever you are in the world, make sure your smile is shining brightly. 💕

Categories
Mumma Life!

My one and only…

Anyone who is a parent, knows that when it comes to their child, they come first most of the time. They put their children above nearly everything they do, only occasionally taking time out for themselves. And I’m no exception to that. My daughter is and will always be the most important person in my life. I have done things for her, that I would never have imagined. But if I didn’t, I could honestly say I would have been putting my needs above hers.

Luna is an amazing, funny, sweet, caring and truly delightful little lady who I have the pleasured privilege of calling my daughter. She is truly intelligent, loves music and brightens up my darkest moments just by being herself. She amazes me each and every day, from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to sleep, she is perfect and beyond describable with words. Just a few minutes with her, and I can guarantee that your mind would have been changed.

I knew when I gave birth, that I was going to face problems that I wished I didn’t and I’m not going to lie, most of the time I don’t know how to overcome them, but I try my best with my daughters wellbeing at the forefront of my mind. And I remember sitting with her father and talking about many what if scenarios. And one of the things we spoke about was, what if people pretend to want to be in her life only not to bother months later.

My daughter is almost 3. And I can honestly say that so much has changed in the past 3 years, that those who met Luna when she was a baby, would be shocked if they could see her now. That so many people who swore to stand by my baby’s side, have turned their back on her and forgotten she existed.

I swore that I would do anything in my power, to make sure that no one ever hurt my little girl. I swore that she would only have people in her life that wanted the best, that put in the effort and that treated her like she deserved to be treated. I swore that I would put her first and make sure that she is surrounded by those that love and protect her. She is the most important person in my life and I would do anything to make sure that she is happy and loved.

Luna has such a special bond with my sister and her boyfriend, my niece and my baby sister and brother. She has amazing bond with her father and with her pop pops. She loves her babe (Leanne, my best mate) and even my best friend overseas. She is loved by Nicole and by Stevi. And I’m thankful that she has so many people that put so much time and effort into spending time with her, even if its a simple video call to check up on her.

If you phoned her, you’d know that she loves to play with her bubbles, she loves to show off her teddys and do her ABC’s. She would run around showing you her exercises, telling you colours of things and making random food combinations. She would tell you how she’s mummy’s princess and how she loves the moon. She would dance around the room to her favourite songs, play on her keyboard and play hide and seek.

But it doesn’t matter, because to various members of her family, wouldn’t know that. They wouldn’t know because they don’t bother with her. They miss out on her and all her little quirks. Some of her family have never met her, they don’t know that her favourite fruit is strawberries, or her favourite teddy is Skye. They don’t know that she watches Cars and will dance around the soundtrack or that right now, she absolutely loves watching Sing because of the different music in it. They don’t know that she learned to walk later than most girls, but hasn’t stopped running circles around everyone in her life. They haven’t seen the way her face lights up when she see’s animals or how she asks for a goat atleast once a week.

There is only one person I have ever said, will not be welcome in Luna’s life. That’s because when Luna was born, both her father and I gave this woman a chance to prove that she can be a stable person in Luna’s life and she repaid me by trying to get my daughter taken off me on neglect charges… neglect over someone she has never met or even spoke to. Everyone else, I let them have many chances. I let them pretend to care, to send gifts but never actually making an effort. I let them pay for things for her, without them even engaging in her life because I have too, otherwise she’d have very little family.

But it hurts. It hurts that my daughter misses out on seeing or hearing from her family because they simply don’t remember she exists. I can’t remember the last time they actually put effort into her and that upsets me. They’ve missed out on two birthdays so far, and yet I have to keep giving them chances because otherwise I’m seen as a bitch. I love my daughter, and I want her to have the best chance in life, which means biting my tongue when it comes to the lack of effort put in by her family since we moved.

Luna is my world. She is the brightest star in the night sky, and the bluest skies during the day. She has an infectious smile and the biggest cuddles that make you feel better instantly. She is my ray of sunshine and my moon in a pitch black sky. She gave me the best title of all, mum and that’s a title I embrace. I just wish her family could see how important she is. That even at this young age, she’s one of the best things to ever happen to them.

So to my daughter, I love you little lady, and even though there a list of people who can’t be bothered with you, there is a longer more detailed list of people that would support and love you each and every day. The list of those who adore you, will always be longer than the list of people missing out. I can’t force them to be more involved in your life, but I will spend a lifetime making up for their lack of effort. Because you are the best person in my life, the strongest and sassiest little girl that I couldn’t imagine a life without. You changed my life for the better, so in turn, I will make sure I give you the best life I can.

To all those that have family that they haven’t bothered with in a while, pick up the phone and just talk to them. Tell them you’re thinking of them and that they will always have a place in your life because family is one of the strongest bonds you can have. Thank you all for reading my post, it means a lot to have your support, and I promise to try and write more. No matter what you’re doing, if you need a chat or someone to pick you up, I will try my best, just don’t be afraid to get in touch. You can find me on twitter, facebook or Instagram. And remember wherever you are in the world, whatever your feelings are right now, just smile because the world needs to see it.

Categories
Give Thanks!

100 Blog Posts!

Today marks my 100th blog post for OpenUpWithMe and I thought I’d use this post to celebrate.

I’ve come a long way since I started writing back in semi consistently back in 2018. I have covered a range of topics from mental health, being a first time mum as well as my own personal battles and accomplishments. I had the absolute privilege to interview one of my favourite upcoming singer/songwriters as well as creating fun lists that just distract my mind a little. I’ve covered many issues that are prominent in a life filled with BPD and still manage to take time to process it all.

In the last few years, I’ve come a long way emotionally and mentally but still have far to go. I’ve taken small steps and overcome things I thought I wouldn’t. And I’ve lost people I thought I would have had in my life forever.

I gained and lost one of my best friends. And even though that hurt and cut deep, I wont continue to be upset about it. Because even though they are no longer in my life, I am more thankful for them than many others I have lost over the two years. Without them, this blog wouldn’t be what it is today because I wouldn’t have been holding on for the possibility of a brighter future. I owe them so much, and there will always be a space for them in my life because I owe them it. They talked me down from suicide, spent hours on the phone to me, trying to distract me from the negatives and spent hours texting me so that I never felt alone. So thank you!

I’ve had some of highest highs and the lowest lows and it was always my best friends that picked me up and helped me see sense. I am truly lucky to have so many people looking out for me. I am lucky to have so many people to turn to in my lowest times, even if I don’t when I know deep down I should.

In almost two years, I have had some amazing feedback, and created bonds that go beyond just writing. I have been fortunate enough to inspire so many others to write their own journeys, to piece together their own feelings and to put pen to paper and write what they know. I have had countless people write to me, expressing how I’ve helped them and that they are thankful I’m writing because I have found the words to say when they couldn’t. I now have over 115 followers, over 3900 views and more than 2000 visitors. My words have been viewed in countries around the world by people I have never met. My blog wont ever be the biggest or most popular but I have helped more people than I thought I would and that has been my greatest reward. The stats don’t matter unless my words mean something to someone.

When I first started this blog, it was to process my thoughts and feelings and now its turned into something more. I have been planning blog posts, thinking of ideas and trying to make my blog something more. I love writing, its one of the best ways I found of expressing the things that I have trouble saying. Last year, I saved up to pay for my own website and to try and make it even bigger, however I feel like a part of me done it prematurely. And as of August this year, this sites domain will change back to the original one.

Thank you to every single reader. To every person that has been in touch and to every person that has followed me and pushed me to write more, thank you. Thank you to every single person that has sat up with me and been there when I’ve had trouble writing. Thank you to the few people that I love more because they have pushed me and each every day.

As this blog piece comes to an end, my blog however will continue. I will continue to write pieces and find ways to keep pushing on with all this craziness. If anyone wants to get in touch, you can find me on twitter, facebook and Instagram. I’ll answer any time of day because every single person in this world matters. I hope where ever you are in the world, you’re happy and healthy. So until the next time, I hope that no matter what, you never lose your smile.

Categories
Open Letters!

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!

 

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Give Thanks!

I couldn’t have done it without you…

Originally, I wasn’t going to blog today. I was going to work on some of the pieces that I have coming out over this month, plus a fair chunk of this morning and early afternoon was spent sorting out bits for the podcast but yet, I found I had to write a post today because you amazing readers got me to 2000 views today and for that, I am incredibly proud.

We did it! ❤️

 

I never thought that I’d have doubled my views within in a year and to say that I have, is incredible. I never thought that my blog would be read by so many of you around the world, yet here I am with views in over 20 countries. So, thank you to every single person that has read any of my posts! It doesn’t matter if you’re a regular reader or it’s your first time. Thank you for all your support and great feedback. Thank you for following my journey through many different areas of my life.

I started this blog to have a way to try to process how I was feeling and what was going on in my life and in two years, you guys have helped me grow and given me something to work towards. Since starting, I have had people reach out and tell me how I inspired them to write their own journeys or helped them realise that they aren’t alone in this big bad world and that matters! I love writing, but I love the fact that I can help people through my writing.

I hope each person has a great day and enjoys the little accomplishments. Because each little accomplishment are the building blocks to completing your goals. Check me out on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

Categories
Mental health

It’s not easy…

If you had asked me a few months ago if I wanted to continue blogging, the answer would have been no. I was ready to just give up on it and walk away. I was prepared to delete my and just not think about it again. As you can see, I didn’t do that, what I did was the opposite. I took some time away from focusing on stats and marketing it, I took time from writing -the break from writing was an accident. I had writers block and didn’t know what I wanted to write – I have over 40 drafts because I started and stopped so many different pieces. I was being a lot harder on myself than I should have been and because of it my writing suffered massively.

I’ve been in a dark place for a while, that’s no secret. This year has tested me in ways I didn’t expect and challenged me at every corner. But the light is coming in slowly. The colours are brightening up and I am slowly realising the person I want to be by knowing what I don’t want. I am starting to recognise myself in the mirror. Sure, it’s still distorted but slowly, I will be confident and strong again. I found my smile through the help of Guys Hospital and even with the complications, I haven’t stopped. What better way to build your confidence, than with a new smile?

I realised that I am an awesome person if I toot my own horn. And for me to say that about myself is rare! Everyone thinks I’m super confident and have the world by the horns. The truth is, I have been worn down, and for a long time I was a shell of the person I wanted. Since I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I’ve been learning more about myself and that had led me to be the person I want to be. I am learning control and sometimes it’s hard, but I know my relationships with people are so much better for it.

I’m the type of person that would be there for someone regardless of who they are and wouldn’t think twice. I’m the type of person who would go out of my way for people that I care about. I’m the type of person who has to try to control overreacting because of how I’m wired. I’ve had a therapist say that my brain is like a bus, and when something affects me, that emotion takes control and next thing I know, I’m going off a cliff at 90 because I got too upset. Yet, I never stop caring. My heart only ever grows, and I try my hardest to be a nice person. I’m the type of person that will always support the people I love with whatever they are doing in their lives.

I’m the type of person that will react to everything, but that’s because I’m emotionally invested into everything that I do. I always put my all in, that means the goods are brilliant but the lows, well they suck. Every day, I must challenge my brain and my way of thinking. Sometimes I can stop myself and other times I can’t. I’m the type of person that has my feelings disregarded time after time, so I bury how I feel, and it eats away at me. I’m the type of person that will forgive everyone but never forgets.

I make a point of sharing the big moments in my life, with my nearest and dearest before I shared it with the world because I believe that the people that have picked me up time and time again deserve to know before people I’ve never met. I make a point of reaching out to those I know wouldn’t reach out first because of fear, because nobody deserves to feel alone or isolated. I make a point of making people laugh and keeping them smiling because even for a moment, they forget their troubles. I make a point of never giving on people, even when they’re the ones in the wrong because I won’t let other people change me. I do this because I have a big heart and no amount of negativity will change that.

I have come a long way this year. From the girl that cut her arm because she wanted the pain to be real, then to a train station where I almost made a life altering decision, to being signed off because of my mental health to the girl that has faith in the future. The girl that has made plans with people and goals that don’t seem so irrational. I’m the girl that has found her smile, her laugh, and slowing her mind.

I still have bad days. I still take steps back every now and then, but I keep pushing on. I keep trying even when I don’t see any point. I have days where I nap because I have no energy. There are days where I question who I am and wonder if I am this negative energy that drains the life from everyone I love. I wonder if I’m the darkest cloud in the sky with no hope of sunshine around. Thankfully, these days are becoming less, but they are still there, and they still have the power to destroy me, I make a point of trying not to let it. I make a point of smiling all the time, because a smile has the power to change someone’s day. I know that because smiles are contagious.

If you asked me if I wanted to continue blogging now, I’d say yes! I have found that writing has helped me massively. Yet, it’s helped other people and that means more! Sure, writing is a great way to help me process my brain but, knowing that someone read what I wrote, and it helped them, is incredible. I have met some awesome people because of my blog, and I am so thankful that I didn’t give up. I’m not saying it’s going to be the best blog out there, but I will always be honest and write about things that mean something to me.

I hope that you all have a great weekend, and you smile loads. I hope that even if you are struggling, you reach out to people because there is always someone willing to listen. Check out my social media by clicking on either, Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram and stay up to date with all things blog related but most of all, until next time, keep smiling. Ferrari.