Categories
Mental health

Isolated and confused…

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote here, and I’m sorry now for being such a ghost. At first I had an infection which was causing me some complications with my kidneys and then I just hit a really low time that I couldn’t quite face if I’m honest. But I figured maybe writing would be able to help, if nothing else, it might remind me why I love to write.

I’m tired. I’m close to giving up. I’m trying and some days it feels like no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. I don’t always get things right, in fact, it feels like most of the time I get everything wrong, but I’m honestly trying my hardest. Even on my darkest days, I am trying to be a better person. Whether it’s being a better mother, a better friend or a better partner, I’m constantly trying to do the right thing by everyone and in the process, I feel like I’m losing touch with who I am and what I want.

My head is confused. My heart aches. My dreams seem like a waste and my life feels like a mess. I feel like I’m looking through one of those toys you had as a child, the one with all the shapes and colours, that changed when you twist it, although mine is changing with every look. Nothing makes sense. The colours and shapes don’t line up. The thoughts are dark and gloomy most of the time.

I sit and wonder how many people I’ve broken through my actions, how many people have been hurt by me trying to do the right thing. I wonder why my head is fighting me every day when I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. Now I wonder if I even know what the right thing is. Everyone is supposed to learn right from wrong when their younger, yet I feel like my entire life is a lie and that I don’t really know what’s right.

Why doesn’t life come with an instruction manual? Why doesn’t my mind come with an easy to process guide? Why can’t I just open up and tell the people I love what is bothering me? I want to. I want to be able to understand my brain enough to relay my thoughts but I can’t. I’m too scared of being too much, I’m scared of not being understood, and I’m scared of saying the wrong thing.

I thought when I got my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, that things would start to become easier and they will make sense. Don’t get me wrong, so many things make sense now compared to where I was when I started this blog, but then, so much more is confusing me. There’s so much more I want to say, I need to say but fear controls it all. I wish I could explain it, but I honestly can’t and I’m starting to hate myself for it.

I feel like I have lost so much, and that hurts more every day because I have to live with the choices I made and the pain that I caused to those that I loved. I have my reasons for doing the things that I’ve done, but I’ve hurt my friends, my family and I’m feeling like if I love them, then the only thing I know I’ll do is hurt them.

Feelings are confusing but nowhere near how my thoughts are. There are days where I just want my brain to make sense and then others where I don’t even remember what’s wrong. I thought I was beginning to find myself, but then if I was, my brain wouldn’t be this confused. I thought I knew who I was, but I don’t.

At this moment, all I am, is confused. I just want everything to make sense. I want my brain to make sense. I want to know what direction i’m heading. Because right now, I just feel like I am stuck in a cold and lonely place with the highest walls up around me and no way to break out. Every time I think I have found a door to escape the walls, its just another room built the same way. The worst part is, I know that people just want me to be fixed because when they see upset or hurting, they can’t fix it. But unfortunately there is no magic cure for being emotionally unstable and fucked in the head.

If your loved ones are suffering, just hug them tighter. Sometimes they cant reach out the way they want too. They can’t figure things out themselves, so trying to explain it is harder than normal. Don’t take your loved ones for granted, because they may need more than they’re letting on. Normally I write about how you can find me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, but the truth is, if you’re reaching out to talk about me, I probably wont answer. However, I am always here for you. Even if its just a distraction. I could use one of those myself right now.

I hope where ever you are in the world, you are keeping your smile! Don’t let this world take it from you.

Categories
Other!

Sexual Assault Awareness Month!

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_Assault_Awareness_Month

So, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I thought it would be a topic worth discussing on my blog. Sexual Assault is a horrible thing to go through and no person alive should have to go through it.

A description of sexual assault found on the Met website goes by this “The overall definition of sexual or indecent assault is an act of physical, psychological and emotional violation in the form of a sexual act, inflicted on someone without their consent. It can involve forcing or manipulating someone to witness or participate in any sexual acts.

Not all cases of sexual assault involve violence, cause physical injury or leave visible marks. Sexual assault can cause severe distress, emotional harm and injuries which can’t be seen – all of which can take a long time to recover from. This is why we use the term ‘assault’ and treat reports just as seriously as those of violent, physical attacks.” [1]

At the age of 13, I engaged in a sexual relationship with an 18-year-old. This was not a typical relationship and should never have happened. However, it did, and I can’t go back in time and change what happened. Although, I technically gave consent, I was still underage, and it’s considered as Statutory Rape within the UK. He used many different phrases and techniques in order to keep me “under his spell” and now thinking about him makes me feel physically sick. I didn’t know back then but he was purely using me for sex and as a toy. He didn’t care about my feelings and wouldn’t have cared the emotional distress that he put in for years afterwards.

And then fast forward to the 1st of August, I had to endure being held down and strangled whilst my then boyfriend had sex with me. He woke me up and didn’t care that I didn’t want it, he continued. He held me down and strangled me until I lost consciousness and I don’t remember much. It was supposed to be a romantic night of us sleeping under the stars in a tent, however that romantic night turned sour and it was the start of what would be a reoccurring problem. I wish I could say that it only happened once, when he was going through a tough time, but the truth was, it wasn’t. It happened repeatedly and I had no one to talk to.

I’m not telling you this to get said people into trouble, hence why no names have taken place. I am writing to tell you that these attacks have made me the person that I am today. There are nights where I wake up in a jolt because of nightmares. There are days where I have paranoia that they are going to come back and destroy me a little bit more, but the truth is, I know they will never get close enough to hurt me. I may have PTSD because of some negative people but that doesn’t define me. They made their choices, and I swear I will not let their choices define who I am or where I go in life.

I want everyone who has ever had someone touch them without their consent, to those that have had to endure a person force their advances without their consent, you are fighters and their actions aren’t because of who you are! You are not responsible for them or their actions. You did not deserve their actions and you are stronger than they can ever be. You may not feel it right away, but you will get passed it. It may take therapy, it may take a tonne of drugs and bad choices, but you will beat their actions because you have it in you.

I know that for the longest time I believed that I deserved it. That I was responsible for the things that happened to me. I thought that if I had been a better person, it wouldn’t have happened. But that simply is not true. I never asked for them to do what they did. And after it happened, I felt that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because of shame or belief that they wouldn’t believe me. I had to live in fear that they would come back and harm me again. I had to have their images repeated in my brain for years because I didn’t open up to anyone. That probably did more harm than good because in stead of facing those demons that they left behind, I hid from them. I found ways to escape. I believed the lies that it was all my fault and that no one would ever care because I had become damaged goods. I have scars left behind from their touch, but those scars are now a reminder. A reminder that I am stronger than ever because they will never reach me again.

So many people don’t come forward when it comes to sexual abuse for so many reasons. They could have been drinking or taking drugs, they could know the person responsible, they may be living in fear but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t come forward. I know I never did because I was scared of wrecking someone’s life like the way they wrecked mine. I was scared that I would be ignored or told that I was making it up. I was scared for the families that I knew personally and how they would react. I feared being judged by people that had no clue, but honestly, a part of me wishes I had come forward so many times.

Now, to the people that have committed these acts, why? Why did you feel the need to damage someone mentally and physically because you couldn’t take no as an answer? Why did you feel that your needs were more important that theirs? How would you feel if your sister or aunts or daughters had to go through the atrocious acts that you put on others? Why can’t you keep your hands to yourself and act on reciprocation and consent? You are wrecking more than your own life by not keeping your hands and actions clean.

I want all my followers to know that there are many people you can talk to about being abused. Police and therapists are the key people, because they can help you get justice for yourself. But also, you can reach out to me. I will always be available to listen without judgement and without fear of it going any further. I also want you all to think about your actions. Don’t do anything against someone’s will and just don’t be a dick. If anyone wants to reach me, you can get in touch via my Facebook page, twitter or Instagram. I will always answer. I hope the future sees a decrease in sexual assaults because no person on this planet deserves that kind of torment. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re keeping healthy and isolating. And as always, keep smiling, even when it hurts.


[1] https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/rsa/rape-and-sexual-assault/what-is-rape-and-sexual-assault/

Categories
Fears face on!

I tried stand up…

I have a lot of bad habits that I’m trying to kick in my life and one of them, is living life in fear. I let fear control a lot of what I say and do which is no way to live and I never want Luna to live her life behind fear. I want her to reach for the moon and land among the stars. I want her to never give up on something that she really wants, no matter how out there it may be. I figured it would be time to start facing those fears, even if it means landing flat on my arse.

I love to make people laugh and try to cheer everyone up as best I can, because I hate it when people aren’t okay. I have a lot of love for stand-up comedians and even more so now that I have gotten up on stage and seen it through their eyes. I have a lot more respect for what they do and let me tell you now, it is tough!

So, for the last few months, I’ve been saying that I wanted to do a comedy night because I am hilarious –in the words of others anyway-. And figured why not. I mean what did I really have to lose. Nothing. That’s what. Me and one of my mates were discussing about when would it be best to do the stand up, and well I wanted to wait until after I had my teeth sorted because I was extremely self-conscious of smile and talking was a different story. I couldn’t exactly get up on stage and cover my mouth the entire time… that would have looked ridiculous. And after getting used to wearing a denture and by the time I was no longer on any medication for the swelling I thought what the hell.

On the 6th of August, I was sat at home at about 12pm, and started to look around for places that would do amateur stand-up. I know my brain, if I sit and wonder about it for too long, I will find way too many ways to talk myself out of it. So, it had to be soon. I found one called the ‘Comedy Car Crash’ which I thought was perfect given the fact I was named after a car. I wanted to be covered for if it was a complete wreck. They had one that night at half 7… I thought it was perfect and messaged one of my friends to ask what his plans were for that night and when he said he didn’t have any, I was like great!

Well, that night I made my way to London, first stopping off at my mate’s house to drop my stuff off and to get ready and then onto The Lion’s Den in Bar Rumba off Piccadilly Circus. I signed up and was told that all 14 places were filled, so I’d go in the Wishlist hat which meant the chance of performing became smaller. I figured that I could have one drink to calm the nerves that had started building. I wasn’t nervous until I got there and started to realise there was a chance, I’d be talking to a room full of strangers and trying to make them laugh. I don’t honestly it set in until I got there and because of it, I was deluding myself.

One drink turned into two before the show had even started. I was a nervous wreck. What was I doing? I hadn’t prepared anything. I was just going to wing it. I saw all these faces building and I was getting worse. If the alcohol wasn’t going to make me hurl, my own anxiety was. We were told that the show would be starting in three minutes and I was started to take it out on my drink. It went pretty quickly.

*Side note* Now this is where my brain gets fuzzy and I apologise. I was a wreck. I did make notes for this piece whilst I was drunk, and they are quite interesting to read sober. Let me tell you.

The show started with Chester Constable and I can remember laughing so hard. He was a great way to start the show and it made me forget for a few minutes what I was going to be doing that night. He managed to make me laugh and forget my mind but that could have had something to do with the alcohol in my system. Then the acts started to come on stage, and it was interesting. I got to see so many different people and different styles of comedy that I found myself in stitches for most of the first half.

At the time of the second half starting, I was onto my fourth drink. My mind was telling me that the chances of me performing were slim to none as there was already ten other people in the wish list hat. I believed it and continued to drink. By the time I was halfway through my fourth one, I looked at my friend and said, it’ll be just my luck that I must get on stage this intoxicated. Well, wasn’t I right? By the time everyone had performed, it was close to the end of the night and it was time for the wish list. They would pick as many as they could to perform that night and picking a couple at the end for a guaranteed spot next week. My chances of performing just shot through the roof and I was way too intoxicated to take it seriously.

The first act of our group performed, and I was sitting there thinking that wasn’t too bad. Who’s going to get up and follow that. Then the host got to the stage and started talking about a car… I knew it was me. Me and my mate looked at each other at the same time and I was just like OH CRAP! My insides wanted to pour onto the floor. My mind was a mess and I’m not going to lie, I was quite surprised that I managed to make it onto the stage without falling over. I got on stage, and my mind went blank. I forgot my name. Forgot where I was. Forgot all about the alcohol and just babbled. I can’t remember what I said, or what jokes I cracked, and a part of me thinks that’s a good thing. I remember people laughing and thinking about well, one laugh is better than none. I think I took the piss out of my name; I mean why wouldn’t I, and of course that got laughs because vroom vroom. But I don’t remember the ins and outs. I remember the bright lights that was shining in my face, magnified by whatever cocktails I had downed. I remember looking into the crowd and not making out faces, they were just blobs that laughed.

As soon as I had finished, I basically ran to my chair, gave a couple of high fives as I sat down and then just wanted to disappear. As soon as the show was over, I made my mate basically run away from the club because I wanted to sink into a pit and just hide! I had done it but at what cost? I remember asking him about if it was funny and he said it was. But then, he would have said anything that night to stop me from beating myself up about it. We made our way back to his and I passed out crying about something I can’t remember. I really did feel for him that day. I remember bumping my head a few times too and I must have been chatting shit, but all the emotion was finally over. I had done it!

I learned quite a lot about myself and about stand up that day. So, I thought I’d make a list of things to do if you ever feel like giving stand-up a go.

  • Do not drink your nerves away! It could end badly!
  • Nerves are okay. It’s good to be nervous because you’re putting yourself out there, just remember that others are too.
  • If you choose an amateur night, you will have plenty other people who have never gotten on stage before so you’re all in the same boat.
  • The idea is to make people laugh, so do that whilst staying true to who you are.
  • If you plan on drinking, EAT FIRST! I didn’t and was way more intoxicated than I should be.
  • Prepare something! Because otherwise you’re on stage forgetting yourself.

I never thought I would get back up and talk to people again because of my teeth. I never thought I’d put myself out there by giving a part of myself to be vulnerable. I was scared that I wasn’t going to make people laugh, even though I do it a lot of the time. I was scared that I would make a fool out of myself and well that’s kind of the point of making people laugh. That day, to that audience, I gave a bit of myself to the world. No, it was far from perfect, but it was me. It was scaring and it was out of my comfort zone. But every single person there that night, helped me push myself and I am so thankful. To all the strangers in the room that laughed at me, thank you. Now, would I do it again? Sure. But I certainly won’t be getting drunk. Maybe I could compare the two, I don’t know. But what I do know is, I want to keep putting myself out of my comfort zone because there’s so much more to this life to experience.

Thank you to everyone who helped and encouraged me to follow my heart to that club that night. Thank you to Liam who held my hand whilst I was so nervous, I thought I was going to hurl. Thank you to the endless love and support I got after! You are all amazing.

Want to see all future fear facing adventures, make sure to follow my blog, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram to stay up to date on what I’m getting up too. Thank you for reading, and I hope that wherever you are in the world, you keep smiling. Ferrari.

Categories
Open Letters!

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!

 

Categories
Health❤️

A smile is the best accessory you can wear…

Yesterday, it’s no secret that I went back to the dentist like I have been every few weeks for the past few months. Only the last few visits have been preparing me for the work that I had done. They had been doing the fillings, here and there so that when they put me under, the could rip out 12 teeth and they wouldn’t have to put me through it twice. I made my way, for one of the final times to Guys Hospital and got my teeth removed. They inserted a partial denture and I don’t think I have stopped smiling since!

I am a happy person and for years, I smiled without a care in the world. However, due to a life threatening condition, an eating disorder and pregnancy, really did a number on my teeth and I got the point where I hid my smile. I knew people were judging me for how bad they were and they were my front teeth. There was no way to hide it. I would smile as long as my mouth was closed. I talked with my hand in front of my mouth a lot so I could feel like no one was seeing it. Only they were.

For years, I have battled with my self confidence! For years, I struggled with wanting to go out and talk to people. I struggled because it didn’t matter how much I brushed them or flossed them because the acid in my stomach was worse. I’ve had countless people ask me what was wrong with them, why they cracked and crumbled and why they were missing. Yet every question, pushed me further into a depression because I used to love my smile. My eyes and my smile were the only two things I actually loved about myself. It was something that made me who I was!

It took me years to get back into a dentist’s chair. It took me endless chats with some of the greatest friends I’ve got. I was so scared and paranoid that they were just going to rip them out, that I put off going even more. I was scared for every needle, for every procedure but I did it. I went back again and again with one of my best friends and my niece, as they held my hands and told me it was all going to be okay. Every single person I confided in, was amazing! My friends spoke to me every time I was anxious about going, the nurses and dentists at Guys were all brilliant.

Today, I have not stopped smiling. I may have a mouth full of hole and stitches but I have something much more than pain! I’m on three different pain killers, and my mouth didn’t stop bleeding until last night. But I have teeth, and yes, most of the top set is fake and I couldn’t care because I have my smile back! My smile and my confidence is slowly working its way back. I may have been scared. I may have cried and I may have walked out a hundred times, but I still went back and I’m so glad that I did. Because my fear, may not be completely gone but I am working on it.

I am so thankful for every single person that has been a part of my journey to getting my smile back. Thank you to my niece and Liam for coming with me, time after time, thank you to the staff that gave me my smile. And thank you to my close friends who were there.

I still have to go back for my reviews and hopefully it’s all good news but I’m still scared. Even though I’m not having work done, I still have to go and sit in that chair. But hopefully, I’ll be in a better place. Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Being a mum❤️ Family❤️

Family is something we can’t choose…

I am and have always been family orientated. My family mean the world to me and I’d do practically anything to make sure they are happy and healthy, but there’s plenty that I wouldn’t do as well.

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever hope to hold. My daughter is my biggest motivator and best friend. She is adorable beyond words and her happiness is paramount to me. I’d go above and beyond for her because she’s my daughter and that’s what you do for your children. However, there are times where I must do things that would make me seem unfair to certain people.

I will also be the first person to stand in-between my daughter and those who wish to cause her harm or negativity. That includes family! I am not about to let any single person on this planet, treat my daughter like she doesn’t matter, and I certainly won’t allow ‘family’ to do the same. Call me strict, but I don’t want my daughter going through the same heartache and pain that I went through.

My daughter is really lucky, because she does have so many people around her that love and cherish her more than I thought possible. I know there are a list of people that would go to the ends of the world for my daughter, because they love and care for her. They also want what’s best, however, all her family won’t be involved in her life and it won’t be Luna missing out.

Luna has family she has met once and will probably never see again. She also has family she will never meet, and that’s not through her faults and when she grows up, I’ll explain it to her but that does break my heart. I grew up with having a chunk of my family not bother with me, and they still don’t really care to this day. They will be some of the people missing out on Luna. Not me. I get to see her adorable little smile and her bubbly personality each and every day. Those don’t and wont.

I won’t give people the opportunity to walk out on my daughter, the same way they walked out on Kieran and me. I won’t allow people to let her down repeatedly or say that her birthdays don’t matter. I won’t allow other people to make her feel like she is any less than what she is. I won’t allow “grandparents” an automatic right in her life, just because they may share DNA.

Luna has two parents that adore the life out of her! She has four grandparents that spoil and cherish her and each of them have an ever-growing bond with her. I mean, she goes so shy whenever my pops come over, but that doesn’t stop her from backing into him for cuddles every ten minutes or playing chase in the garden. Every morning, she calls for nanny cats and goes into the living room to see her and gives her the biggest smile! Then we have Katie and Ste, Kieran’s dad and step mum. They are incredible with her, so much that it makes me cry. They came down when she was readmitted to hospital, even though there was snow on the roads, and they had to drive the two-hour journey. That was the first time they met her, and they went through some difficult situations but still they made the effort!

I have my best friends who ring me up and always ask how my daughter is and generally, they all have to have conversations with her, but I don’t mind. Because they are actually taking the time to make an effort with my baby girl. Luna has aunts and uncles that she has built such strong bonds with, so sometimes taking her away from them for bed or naps can become a problem but she still gets special time with all of them.

So now, to the family who can’t be bothered with my daughter. The family that can’t be bothered to send a message asking how she is or what she’s learnt to do this week, because she is always growing and learning. To all of you that want to claim you have an active part in my daughter’s life, you don’t. She doesn’t know who you are and that’s not my fault. I can’t force her to know people that can’t be bothered with her and I won’t make her put up with you just because your family. Most of you, don’t deserve to know the happiness and love that my little girl can bring. You won’t know the way she laughs when the claw comes out or how much she loves animals and being outdoors. You won’t get to experience her sassy, cheeky nature. You won’t get to see how smart she is, when she’s reading her books and understanding the words. You won’t get to feel how loving and cuddly she is, because she will give everyone attention. And that’s not my fault. I’m not missing out on her because I am her mum, which means I am her strength each and every day. That strength, means stopping people I consider toxic, being an active part in her life.

But thank you. Thank you to those that put in the effort. Thank you to those that never let Luna forget who they are. Thank you to those that may come round to see me but still make effort to play with Luna and make her smile. You are the ones that Luna will grow up around. And for that, I couldn’t be more thankful.

We don’t have to allow family in our lives just because they are related. If they don’t boost you up or show concern when you’re down, they don’t deserve a place in your life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve people around you that make you happy. So don’t settle for anything less than happiness.

Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Lifestyle❤️

I hate job hunting…

I seriously think that job hunting is one of the worst things that I currently seem to be doing a lot of. It’s not like I can just stop searching for a job… well I could but I really hate not working. I know a few of you would be sitting there wondering what happened considering a few weeks ago I was still uploading selfies before work on social media but unfortunately I had to give the job up. I loved working for LPCH, but the truth was, the environment didn’t agree with my already complicated immune system. If I’m honest, it was the first time in a while, that I actually felt gutted about leaving a job, even though I had been there a month. Everyone that I met through working there is lovely, and I have plans to meet up with a few of them soon. But my health wouldn’t have been able to handle it. So here I am again, searching for a job.

I think a big part of why I hate job hunting, is because no matter what qualifications I have, I never feel like I’m good enough. I hate filling out application forms and writing about myself even more! I have no self confidence. I doubt myself in pretty much every area of my life and because of this, I hate the idea that I have to ‘sell’ why I should be employed by the company or what skills I could bring to a job role and my mind just goes blank. I mean I am good at a lot of things but most of them things I can’t exactly put under “reasons to hire me”.

Now when it comes to working, I am pretty useless. I had the same job for four years and that was purely because I didn’t have to work every day so if I was sick, I could just not work and it would have been fine. Okay, the times that I agreed to work and then got sick will always weigh on my mind but generally, I worked as much as my body could handle. Then I went to an office where I was surrounded by loads of people, who had different germs, colds and whatnot, just swimming around in the air because of the air con. I loved working in that environment but the air con just kills my immune system more than it already is. I got to the stage where I was getting sicker on antibiotics because of a new infection. However, I realised I loved working with computers and the fact that every person I spoke to was different which meant I heard a range of accents and got to be a part of someone’s day all over the country.I realised that I loved getting dressed up for work. I loved putting on smart clothes and actually feeling like an important person and I loved working in an office.

So with this in mind, all of today I have been applying for jobs and I must have applied for over 50 with still more to go. But I can’t help but feeling like I just wont get employed. Which employer really wants someone who has a compromised immune system? It doesn’t matter how fast I learn how to work or how easily it comes to me, unless I can actually make a difference for the company. If I could be employed based on my personality and skill, I know, I’d have a pretty high chance. But unfortunately that isn’t the case. I have to find a way to write about myself that promotes who I am rather than worrying that I’m unemployable. I hate not working and every day that I’m out of work, is another day that I feel like I’m failing Luna.

What do you hate most about job hunting? Let me know on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Thank you for reading. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️