Categories
Who am I?

Where I want to be…

Last year, I went through some pretty hard moments. I was living somewhere that was affecting my mental health daily, it was overcrowded and full of animosity. This year, I have my own flat with my little princess and I’m working hard to make sure it’s a loving home for her.

Since we moved into the flat, I’ve seen her come on leaps and bounds. She exceeds all my expectations and proves just how smart she really is. I mean, it’s not like I really have much to compare it too but still. Before we moved here, she didn’t really have to do much, she was a few months away from being two and we were still doing pretty much everything for her. Now, she knows where the bin is, she puts her toys away and helps me tidy up, she’s learning to count but her favourite activity is finding her figures when I’ve asked her for a specific one. She will wake up in the morning and play in her room until half 7 when we go in the living room and watch Sing before she has her breakfast. The best thing we ever did was move out of the house.

I have come a long way too. Okay, so I still have a problem with self-harm when my emotions get too much, but I am learning to talk about them more. I feel more confident in myself most days and don’t always feel down in the dumps. I have come a long way from the person I was last year, but I am still so far from where I want to be. I want to be kicking my mental health’s ass, I want to be eating like a normal person and not worried so much about my weight gain. This year, I want to live for the moment and stay away from the past. It has controlled so much of my life already; I want to move on from it. This year, I want to stop the self-harm that controls me. I want to be able to look my daughter in the face and feel like the strong woman she needs.

I come from a broken home, and I didn’t want that for my daughter. I wanted her to not have to worry about having two homes, having to split her time between two parents, with two parents fighting for her love. I wanted her to be able to have her parents together but that didn’t happen. But I also didn’t want a Christmas baby yet that’s exactly how my life panned out. And I wouldn’t change it for the life of me. I however will make sure that she has two parents that love her and continue to put her first. Yes, she has two homes, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, if she is as loved at one as she is the other. That’s the main thing.

The girl that started last year no longer exists. She was unhappy with nearly every aspect of her life. She had friends but that didn’t help overcome the mental exhaustion she was facing daily. I had people in my life that had slagged my daughter off behind my back but was nice as pie to my face. I had people pretending to care, and those people were some of my close friends. Last year consisted of way too many lies that I believed but also some very high moments.

I finally got on stage and tried stand-up, which I want to do again this year. I managed to work up the courage to leave an unhappy relationship and build a new life for myself. I got closer to some awesome people and those affected my life in ways that I could never repay. I have so much more to be thankful for, but this year is going to be different. I’m not going to settle for less than I deserve. I’m going to find happiness within myself and the life I already live. I’m going to embrace more possibilities and not live my life in fear. I want to live for the moment and build myself up to the girl I used too be. She lives in me somewhere; I just want to find her again.

I thought by now I’d be in my forever job, instead I’m signed off because I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like I have no future, but the truth is, I do. I am trying my hardest to be the mum my little lady deserves and if I always continue to put her first then I’m doing the right thing. She is and will always be my forever job. Who knows, maybe in the future, someone will come and join our little family but for now it’s just me and my little princess and that’s enough for me.

What about you? Where do you see yourself going over this year? How far have you come? Are you on track to where you want to be in your life? Nobody said you had to have your life in order, but sometimes reflection is a good thing. It makes you evaluate your life and change your course of action if need be. I hope that you are all happy and content with the path that your life is taking, if not, just simply change direction. Thank you for taking the time to read my latest post and remember you can always get in touch via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or email. Have a good day and keep smiling.

Categories
Monthly Update!

The end of a decade…

A lot can happen in a year. This time last year, I was coming up to a very dark patch. I started cutting again and even went to the train station ready to end my life. I was prepared to leave my daughter without a mother, and yes, I am aware of how much of a prick that makes me. I was underweight, and having trouble eating. I was living in a toxic environment and couldn’t see any way out. I was afraid of opening up to my boyfriend, because I knew he resented me and because of it, he didn’t care the way he should have. I started this year with 5 cuts on wrist, thankfully only three of them were deep enough to scar. I started this year closer to people that I had met a few months earlier, compared to my family and partner. I didn’t quite understand just how low I was going to get or how I was going to get out of it.

This year taught me a lot!

I learnt that not everyone in your life is meant to be around, or even deserves a place in your life. I learnt that some of my best friends, are people that I speak to once a week, however its always like no time has passed. I learnt that I deserved better than what some people could give and that’s not their fault. I learnt that time and circumstances can change a lot of things, including feelings. I learnt that music will always save me if I let it. I learnt more about being a mother and the kind of mother I want to be. I learnt that just because you’re related to people, doesn’t mean they have an automatic right to be in your life, if they are toxic or offer nothing better than negativity, then they shouldn’t be around.

However, I am thankful for this year because it has been one of my hardest. It pushed and pulled me more than any year before. It tested me more than I thought possible, but it also brought more happiness and love than I thought existed. I realised more about who I am as a person and more about the things that I went through. I left a relationship that despite all the positive parts, wasn’t working and since then we have both come a long way. I found that I deserve more happiness than I give myself credit for, I also know I need to stop living in the past and beating myself up for past mistakes because I have come a long way from the person I was at the start.

I got back in contact with some people that continue to change my life each and every day. I found my way to someone who was my best friend during my school years, and even though neither of us are those girls anymore, our friendship has grown and transformed into something far greater. She is someone that I will always be able to count on, and I know there are days where she feels like she can’t handle what life throws at her, I am there to remind her how far she has come. She is smashing goals and reaching dreams and I am so thankful to have even a tiny part in her life.

I have also learned that I live in my own head most of the time. I tend to believe what my head is telling me, even if logic is telling me that it’s not true. I will shut people out if I think they are getting too close because its easier to blame myself. I already think so little of myself that it’s not hard to believe what I know to be lies by others. Most of the time I am aware but there are times that I don’t know what to believe, and the negatives always seem more likely. I learned that I need to work on my emotions, and I am hoping that I will be able to do that via therapy… IF the person I’m supposed to be talking to doesn’t mumble like a dick. I learnt that I am the first to shut down and turn myself off in an argument. I will act like I don’t care even if I do. Its easier when people leave that way.

I realised that I am probably the reason many people leave. I am very closed off. If I get the slightest impression that you’re getting ready to leave my life, I will push you out so that I can always blame myself. I turn people aware even if I know they are trying to help me. I can’t help it. I am so scared of being alone that I make sure I spend most of my time that way. At least then no one can get close enough to hurt me again. I learnt that I have a wall. Its supposed to keep me safe, to keep out people that only have negative intentions, however, I end up shutting everyone out because I have lost touch with what is true and what isn’t.

I learnt that I believe I am a failure nine out of ten days and because of it, want to quit more times than I do. I look at where I wanted to be and how many things just went downhill and how I still punish myself for not being able to do what I should. I realised that just because this isn’t where I saw myself ten years ago, its still a step up! I spend most of my days with the cutest little lady that I could have created, I must know all about the silly things like Paw Patrol and Trolls. I have to recite the names as she picks up her figurines repeatedly. I put up with films like Frozen, Trolls and Moana on repeat for weeks at a time and I wouldn’t change it because her smile is worth it. I may not have a striving law career, but I have a little lady who depends on me and that tops it!

I have grown in a huge way. I started to be the mother I should have been all along. I haven’t quite stopped punishing myself for the post-natal depression, but I am making sure that is not the person I continue to be. I have tried to let people in, even if I do have a fear of it. I have started to build a life that I want to be proud of, however I still have a long way to go. I know what I want to do with my life, and hopefully once my mind and I aren’t at war, I can start reaching my goals. Just because I’m not there right now, doesn’t mean I won’t get there. I get to end this year with celebrating my beautiful daughters’ birthday and then celebrating Christmas with her face for the first year in our flat. And I can’t wait.

As the door on 2019 closes, I am looking forward to the new decade. I am going to be stronger and happier because that’s what my daughter deserves. I will be taking on new challenges and hopefully finishing my novel that just sits in my creative writing folder that I haven’t touched in months. I will be spending more time with the people I call my best friends and creating memories with our children in places that we spent time in our youth. I will be making memories with my daughter and showing her that happiness comes from inside. People can only affect you if you let them. I will be leaving behind the saddest parts of the decade and looking to my future. It has the power to be whatever I want to make it. I will learn to love myself the way I should. I will learn to appreciate everything that makes me unique and those that make me a force to reckoned with.

I want to thank every single person that has been reading my blog for the duration of this year. It’s been up, its been down but most of all, its been real. Its one of the only ways I can release my emotions in a way that doesn’t have any restrictions. Thank you for giving me a space to do that and for giving me the support that you have. My blog has brought me many new faces that have changed my way of thinking and helped me not give up on it when I wanted too. As always, you can check out my Facebook page, Instagram and Twitter to keep up dated on all things blog related. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re having a positive time and don’t forget to keep smiling. Ferrari ❤

Categories
Mumma Life!

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

Categories
Health❤️

No one can fault you for trying…

Write what should not be forgotten. – Isabel Allende

Everything I write on my blog, will be on the big wide world of the web. So I want to use it as a place to be remembered. I want people to be able to use my blog to express how they’re feeling when they can’t find the words… the only problem being sometimes I don’t even know the words to express how I feel. I am way too harsh on myself, and wont post something if I find it awful… probably why I have over 45 drafts… And I’ve found that it’s so much easier to write when I’m not at war with myself. So what do I do when I am at war with myself? I cry. A lot. Because I hate not being able to express myself through my words.

I can get myself into such a state. I am living with constant rollercoaster and I’m pretty sure the downs wouldn’t be as bad if I opened up when they were happening. I know I should, okay? I’m very much aware of the complications I create myself, but it’s not as simple as that to me. My brain has so much trouble with the ‘grey’ area, and even though it may not seem like it, I am working on that. It’s just hard. To me, a simple thing, would be blown way out of proportion because of the way I can’t express myself depending on the mood I am in. Sometimes I am so easy to get along with. I can take a joke and everything is great. However, sometimes I just lose control, and all the little things getting to me become too much.

I worry that the “little things” aren’t so little. I worry that those problems, will be too much and there’s no turning back, which is why I don’t discuss them. Then, when all the little ones build up, I lose it and by that point, there isn’t a chance to turn back. Slowly i’m accepting that I need to address things quickly, but I also need those nearest to me to understand that when I say I’m okay, its because I don’t want to talk about it and its not an invitation to ask further questions. That is one sure way, not to get me to open up.

I get so scared that people are going to leave me because of some of the thoughts that go through my head. There are times where I know I am being stupid but for some reason I can’t stop myself, its a defense mechanism. I get so scared people are going to leave so I push them away before they get a chance. Or, they get too close and I have to shut them out because IF they were to leave, it would utterly destroy me. I don’t believe that I am enough, I was hurt so badly that I can’t accept it when things are going well. That same fear creeps in because my past has taught me that even the ones that are supposed to never leave, will. So the ones that say they will never leave, still could.

I have walls up for my own protection. There are days where my existence feels lonely and isolated, because the fear has grown so strong, that I have no choice but to suffer in silence. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that my feelings are sometimes overbearing. I can be completely rational one moment and the slightest change in my feelings, will cause my brain to do a complete 180 and I can’t slow it down or even stop it. I feel like I can’t love myself so why should anyone else. I lose count of how much I ask that I’m enough because I have never felt like it. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have no confidence when it comes to myself. Yet, I can put on one hell of a persona, and that persona would have you believe that I could do anything I set my mind too. The truth is, I’m so scared to be who I really am, because who I am is emotional and overwhelming. My mind is a whirlwind but sometimes, its more of a blessing than a curse.

Nothing in this world is easy, I know that from my hard past. Yet, I am still fighting so that has to count for something. I still write, even though I think there isn’t a point some days. I still try because if I do give up, I’m teaching Luna that it’s okay to stop when things get too tough. The truth is, you can take a break. Sometimes a break from all situations will do you more good than you realise. I may not have been able to write for a while, but I’m still trying.

I battle myself each and every day. I don’t think I can remember when I didn’t battle myself over something. I battle whether or not to bring something up or to bury it till it finds its own way out later. I battle whether to walk out my door and face people even though I feel like a failure. I battle with every thought and feeling, questioning if it’s rational or not. So remember that the next time I do decide to open up. Because I would have battled myself for hours on whether or not to say something.

Every one has their own battles, and most of the time, we can’t see them. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t pushing through them and trying. It’s the ones that don’t give up, even when life gives them so many reasons too. I try even on the days where I feel like running and hiding. Sometimes I fail and that takes a serious toll on me. But on the times that I don’t, I know nobody can take it away from me. This life with borderline is hard, but I haven’t stopped trying yet.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Lifestyle❤️

Lets talk about change…

The same people that called me self-centred, shallow, and superficial are the ones obsessed with reality tv and what their favourite celebrity is doing next, however there are plenty of bigger issues in the world. Issues that get ignored and downgraded. Ones that get tossed aside until the problem has escalated to an extreme that may or may not be reversible.

I tend to avoid the news or news programmes because they just frustrate me. Not only do you have the likes of Piers Morgan sprouting his utter bollocks and claiming to speak on behalf of a nation… that same nation that he sits on his horse and judges, the same nation that he slates and undermines in every opportunity. Now, he can have opinions all he likes, hell i’d embrace his opinions if he actually presented them like a civiliased person and not an emotionless robot. I also watched some show presented by Victoria Derbyshire where she was having a ‘conversation’ with an MP that was going for leadership… It was tragic on both parts and I couldn’t actually believe that these two people were getting paid to have this chat on live air. It was a disaster and I learned nothing except the MP is a douche and couldn’t stand by any statements in typical political fashion and the presenter lost control of her interview which made me cringe.

I got various news websites up to have a look at what the current issues were today and oh my goodness. They are as much of a joke as this country is turning too. I suppose it makes sense that the next PM we have, will be a clown. Over the majority of news websites that I looked at, the biggest headlines were to do with the police being called to Boris Johnsons flat because of an argument and Trump trying to start yet another war. Neither, in my opinion should be headlined news. I am not going to say that I could do a better job, but I’d like to think that in such a confusing time, the news channels would be doing a better job at presenting more reasons to smile than reasons to question reality. Do I honestly care that Boris Johnson had police called to his flat because of an argument with his mrs? No. It doesn’t concern me.

Im concerned about the hundreds of people that sleep on the street with no roof over their heads. I’m concerned about the thousands of people that are living in situations that are truly questionable of their human rights. I’m concerned about the ones that go to bed cramped and scared because life is hard. I care about the thousands of peoples that are suffering with poor health, both physical and mental that are being ignored. I’m concenred about a country that cares more about what the richest 5% are doing than the poorest 20%. I’m concerned about the education system that we trust our most precious people in. The same education system that fails everyone if they don’t fit a certain criteria. I’m concerned about the issues we ignore!

We live in a world where women are criticised for how we look and what we wear, instead of teaching boys and men to respect womens minds. We live in a world where is so much easier to point the finger than accept responsibility and make the changes. We live in a world where no doesn’t mean no, where no just means not yet. We live in a world where you are slightly different, you’re less of a person and that’s not acceptable. It’s not acceptable that we say things like “boys will be boys” or “men should be strong”. It’s not acceptable that we look down on people because they come from a single parent background or on benefits.

As a society, we are not acceptable. But as a society, it’s us who needs to stand up and make the changes. We elect the MPS that sit on the government that runs our country. We raise our issues and we have our voices! Start using them for things that matter. For issues that matter. Stand up for the little people that haven’t quite found their voices. Stand up for those who voices are drowned out by people who think they know better. Stand up for the sick and elderly. Stand up for your families and friends. Every single person on this planet has the capability to make a change. Stop spreading hate, embrace people for who they are but don’t accept that its all they will ever be. Stop focusing on celebrity news and culture and embrace your own. Embrace your lives and make changes to make your lives better. If you have issues with the world, don’t wait for someone else to start the fight, start it yourself and get others involved. As a society, we are failing. Embrace those that dare to be different and stand alongside those that want to speak out. Because otherwise, the voices that were gifted to each and everyone of us, are going to waste.

For a while, I forgot I had a voice. I let so many of my issues go unheard and then I thought, well screw you. I’m important too and what I say matters. I mean sure, I’m one person. But this one person, has 42 followers directly to this blog and over 400 followers on twitter. That’s over 400 sets of ears that could read this and if one person shares it, then the possible audience will just grow because that is the power of social media. That is the power we have as a society, so why don’t we use it?

 

Thank you for reading. I know I’ve been a bit distant recently, but I promise to blog more. After all, my voice needs to be heard one way or another. I hope you all have an amazing weekend. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

#BorderlinePersonalityMonth ❤️

For the whole of May, it’s BPD month, so I figured as someone with this mental illness, that a blog post dedicated to it would be worth it. It’s one of the hardest illnesses that I’ve ever had the misfortune to have because it affects each and every day of my life.

Ever since I got diagnosed, I’ve had nothing but trouble. Most people will look down their noses at me because they don’t understand. They will belittle me because it’s easier than open their ears and listening. And mostly, too many people don’t care and will happily trigger you so they can tell you how much of a horrible person I am. Yet, I’m one of the most open and caring people I have ever met, and even though my days are hard, there are some good points.

Symptoms

  • Needing attention
  • Emotional Outbursts
  • Social Withdrawal
  • Self-Destructive Behaviours
  • Being Clingy
  • Forgetting Things
  • Getting upset about simple things
  • Weird and unusual triggers
  • Needing validation

As someone with BPD, I have experienced all of these and so many others. I have emotional outbursts that don’t make sense that have stemmed from something so small. I have outbursts because I don’t feel like I can tell people what’s really bothering me. I shut myself off all the time and I cling onto people that I care about because rejection and abandonment fill my head each and every day. During times of emotional distress, I end up verbally lashing out. I end up pushing those I love away and making the situation a thousand times worse. And they are coming from not wanting to be left again. Because I can’t see the grey, it’s either good or bad, never okay and because of it, I can go from one extreme to the other at the drop of a hat. It’s uncontrollable and soul destroying when I hit the bad parts. It’s like a darkness swallowing me whole. It feels like I’m the worst person in the world who doesn’t deserve love and friendship.

I could talk about the negatives until the cows come home but that’s only one side to this disorder. I may experience the worst of the worst, but I also get to experience the best of the best. And those are the moments I live for. For pure happiness. It’s like being so high that nothing can touch you. At that moment, you feel like nothing can hurt you and it’s perfect.But here are the positive sides to this condition that are underestimated.

  • My relationships with people mean everything to me. I have a big heart and care about everyone in my life. I have listened and been there for people long after I should have. I have cared for people long after they stopped caring for me. I have been there for people I barely know and I have listened to people that needed me.
  • As someone who is so emotionally sensitive, I can generally read people’s emotions better than others. I can tell you when people are agitated because I have to go through it every day. I can signs that seem so obvious to me yet others wouldn’t even acknowledge them.
  • I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve lived in toxic situations and had people that are supposed to love me unconditionally trigger me and not care. Every day I wake up in a toxic house, filled with toxic people. And the day I get out of here, I won’t look back. Sure, some days look like I’ll never get out of here, but that hasn’t stopped me trying. I’ve been lied to and abused. I’ve been raped and neglected. Yet I still wake up with a little bit of hope that things may be okay. I’ve looked into the devils eyes and told him that he will not take me. I’ve been strong when every fibre of my body was telling me to quit. So yes, I’m emotional, but ask my best friends, they will tell you that I’m one of the strongest people they have ever met. I’m strong because if I wasn’t, I’d have killed myself long ago.
  • Having BPD, means that I have become more creative because I tap into emotions that others can’t understand. I can write, act, and interpret things that others wouldn’t even dream of. Some of the greatest writers had forms of mental health problems such as Ernest Hemingway and Virginia Woolf. They both suffered dramatically yet their books are a part of culture.
  • I am passionate about so many things and yet it’s a blessing and a curse. It means that I will not give up fighting even when I should. It means that people who refuse to open their minds frustrate me. It means that I will argue with people when I believe their wrong even if it means losing them. But it also means I won’t back down. I won’t stop fighting for what I want.

Living with BPD is hard because we have so many triggers. Some of them are rational whilst others are stupid and these are just a few.

  • Being ignored or feeling like I’m ignored, starts off the abandonment and rejection. It’s like a reminder that I’m not worth their time or effort. It’s hard because I already feel that way and getting ignored just confirms it. Then I feel like I need to repair the situation which also makes it worse.
  • Being told to calm down when I’m not angry. That starts a series of emotions that result in anger.
  • When my feelings are invalidated like “it’s just going to happen until you change it”, “you’re way too emotional for me”, “well that’s a bit over the top”… whilst these comments may be true, you’re basically telling me that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do instead of helping me cope with how I’m feeling.
  • When people tell me how to parent my daughter. This grates as my mood all the time. This will come from people that have a massive part to answer for why I am the way that I am. It’s the same people that live to invalidate me. It’s the same people that would tell me that they don’t care if they trigger my bad moods because they are right.
  • When the older generation say things like “well it was acceptable in my day”… really? People were punished for who they loved, people were invalidated and degraded because you people believed it was right. No. Just because in your day it was acceptable doesn’t make it right. A prime example was when three people that are atleast ten years older than me, told me that it was acceptable for a person to say to a child that their parents leaving them was their fault for misbehaving. That creates so many problems that the older generation are naive too.

Now for some statistics. 7/10 people will try to kill themselves whilst living with this disease. 1 in every 10 of us, will achieve suicide. This comes from not feeling good enough, from feeling like a burden and from believing the worst thoughts in their head. Nearly all of us will have some form of self harm or self destructive behaviour and we can’t stop them. We try and most of the time we fail. And even though that failure confirms how we feel inside, we still try and stop ourselves. Sometimes we feel too much and others we don’t anything at all. We feel like a contradiction.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov

This is my first post dedicated to BPD, I’m a bit late as I’ve started it on the 6th. But every day I want to educate and inform people about something that needs more awareness. I’ll be writing about triggers in more detail as well as some of the more positive sides. I’ll tell you all about the different sides of this condition, explain what it means to have and be a favourite person to someone with BPD as well as how I’m managing to live with the biggest emotional range I’ve ever experienced. Thank you for reading and I hope you have an amazing day. As always, check me out on twitter or insta by searching OpenUpWithMe and drop me a message. Until the next time. Ferrari. ❤️

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Being a mum❤️ Ferrari❤️

I’m A Queen…

How shallow and superficial must I be to refer to myself as a Queen, but I honestly believe that there is royalty in all of us, it’s just a matter of establishing your self worth. You are worth more than anyone else gives you credit for. You go through battles that nobody sees every single day and you don’t give yourself enough props. You work through hard days because its expected, even though inside it kills you just to fake a smile. You have been put down and forgotten, but that’s because you forgot to remember yourself. You and you alone have got through every day that lead you to today and there is always a reason for it. Even in your darkest moments, there are reasons. You are not alone, you will never be alone for as long as you want people around. You are loved even when you don’t love yourself. You are you and that’s the best person to be. You are worth every diamond, every rock and everything in between. Because you, are irreplaceable.

Every single person on this planet has troubles and no single person is perfect. Anyone who claims to be, is a robot and doesn’t actually function. Perfection is a standard set to promise failure because its not achieveable. So stop trying and just embrace who you are, warts and all.

Today, I got asked what I would write to a 13 year old me, and it was such a simply hard question to answer. They didn’t know that at 13 my life changed so dramatically that I still haven’t really got myself back and that wasn’t their fault, but how I let that time affect me now, is my fault. This was a time where I was called a drama queen, an attention seeker, a liar and manipulator and most of all, it was the time that I needed everyone around me more than ever. I have spent most of my life as a victim of my past and I refuse to let it have that control over me anymore. I refuse to let other peoples actions and words determine the person that I let my little girl live up too. How can I, as a mother of a girl that will one day also be a teenager, let things that brought so much self destruction and self doubt, be the things she see? I can’t. The day I gave birth to her, I became a Queen in her eyes and she became my little princess. The one girl that I would give my life for without a first thought, let alone a second. I would go to the ends of the earth for her, and that means facing the demons that haunt my nightmares and keep me awake. It means admitting that PTSD is a real thing and its soul destroying but I will not let that be the side she grows up with.

If I wrote a letter to 13 year old me, it would go something like…

“Dear “Drama Queen”,
Embrace your title, embrace your dreams because you can do anything. No single person can stop you from living your life and being the person you want to be.
There are people around you that are going to become toxic, and although you are going to go through a turbulent time, it will get easier and it will all be worth it. But you can’t let their words shape you. You can go through hell and back, just don’t lose your smile. Don’t lose your personality and don’t lose your voice.
Your body is amazing, and you don’t need to worry about your weight until you get pregnant, because believe me, you will get fat but your child is worth it. Don’t lose that love of food, because it will make you try such random but beautiful meals. Food isn’t the answer, and neither is avoiding it.
Make sure you pick your own path. There are people that will say being creative doesn’t lead to jobs, and its bollocks!
Don’t hide your emotions. Don’t be embarrassed, you have a big heart and so many of your problems can be solved if you open up. People won’t always leave, I mean, you get to meet some of the best people, just open up and tell them what it’s like. There’s a reason you think and feel differently, and the ones that matter, won’t ever judge you for it, they try to understand it and they embrace it.
So many people will make you feel small, so many will doubt you and will try to bring you down, but you are worth more than that. Believe in yourself and you will be surprised where you end up.
Its going to be okay, I promise, and you should know, we don’t make promises we have no intention of keeping!”

I realised today that I wouldn’t change the things I went through, not the good and not the bad, but I would change how I dealt with it. So I’m going too. One day, very soon, I will post about the nightmares, I will post about the scariest and darkest moments because if I’m going to address them, It’s going to be my way. I always said I wanted to use my voice to make a difference, and I thought that meant going into law because I love arguments. I didn’t need a law degree because I have this. I have my voice and I have one hell of a way to go. But if I can help one person, if I can make a difference in just a single life, then all of the pain that I suffered to be strong will be worth it.

D4IG3VxXoAAC3Ja
My little princess.

 

Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but it was meant to be lived. I’m not going to live in fear. Not in fear of others and their words, of people and their actions and I refuse to be scared of who I am. To some I am nothing, to others I am something, but to the most important person, I am everything, and that is enough for me. Don’t lose yourself to opinions of the few, because they will always look to bring you down to them because its easier to attack. Embrace the ones who matter, because they are irreplaceable. Until the next time, enjoy your day and ill speak soon. Ferrari❤️