I wanted my smile for so long…

I spent so long working up the courage to finally go to the dentist and get my smile back. I worked hard on being able to sit in the dentists chair without freaking out and having panic attacks. I overcame the fear that arose every time a needle was mentioned and I would literally swing my arms and legs about if I thought for a second that you were going to come anywhere near my teeth before I was ready.

I had a dentist who would say he was numbing your mouth, and he did, but he started the work long before your mouth was numb. I had my own mother hold me down because I was petrified and all she did was add fuel to the flames. I had reasons after reasons for avoiding the dentist. I mean I could brush my teeth a thousand times, but the stomach acid that I was bringing up was going to do more damage than brushing them could ever fix. I could have stopped eating the stuff that I was, but atleast I was eating and that mattered to me more.

Last Thursday, I had 12 teeth ripped from my mouth with countless stitches and I was so over the moon. The pain didn’t matter because I had my smile back and that was all that I wanted for the longest time. I wanted to not be ashamed of my teeth. I wanted to be able to talk and smile without having something in front of my mouth. The dentist put me on paracetamol, ibuprofen and dihdrocodeine and by Monday, I was back up the doctors getting something stronger because I was crying my eyes out. After taking a look at how swollen and sore my mouth was, I was prescribed tramadol. Two days later, I was back up the doctors getting antibiotics because there was an infection in one of the gaps which of course meant I was in even more pain.

I haven’t eaten a full meal since last Wednesday. I cant chew because its still way too sensitive. I have an ulcer appear where the denture sits on my gums because its constantly rubbing and I have swallowed way too much salt water to ever want to go near the ocean again. I am still in pain over a week after it happened and today I cried my eyes out. I cried because, for the first time in 9 days, I want my horrid teeth back. I want to be able to eat a meal, hell i’d settle for being able to suck on cake without it hurting. I cried because today, even though I love my smile, I wanted to go backwards.

I know that my teeth will be worth it. I know that of course I should expect pain, I had 12 teeth out and that’s a big operation. But right now, I am in a vulnerable state. I am in pain and I do spend most of my time sleeping or taking tablets. I am so thankful that Kieran has managed to be amazing, like he always is with Luna and has been doing an incredible job looking after her whilst I’ve been recovering. Thank you to my amazing friends who have rang me countless times to check up on me and thank you Liam for always letting me wake you up when I’m awake in pain. Thank you all for not letting me go through this by myself.


Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️


A smile is the best accessory you can wear…

Yesterday, it’s no secret that I went back to the dentist like I have been every few weeks for the past few months. Only the last few visits have been preparing me for the work that I had done. They had been doing the fillings, here and there so that when they put me under, the could rip out 12 teeth and they wouldn’t have to put me through it twice. I made my way, for one of the final times to Guys Hospital and got my teeth removed. They inserted a partial denture and I don’t think I have stopped smiling since!

I am a happy person and for years, I smiled without a care in the world. However, due to a life threatening condition, an eating disorder and pregnancy, really did a number on my teeth and I got the point where I hid my smile. I knew people were judging me for how bad they were and they were my front teeth. There was no way to hide it. I would smile as long as my mouth was closed. I talked with my hand in front of my mouth a lot so I could feel like no one was seeing it. Only they were.

For years, I have battled with my self confidence! For years, I struggled with wanting to go out and talk to people. I struggled because it didn’t matter how much I brushed them or flossed them because the acid in my stomach was worse. I’ve had countless people ask me what was wrong with them, why they cracked and crumbled and why they were missing. Yet every question, pushed me further into a depression because I used to love my smile. My eyes and my smile were the only two things I actually loved about myself. It was something that made me who I was!

It took me years to get back into a dentist’s chair. It took me endless chats with some of the greatest friends I’ve got. I was so scared and paranoid that they were just going to rip them out, that I put off going even more. I was scared for every needle, for every procedure but I did it. I went back again and again with one of my best friends and my niece, as they held my hands and told me it was all going to be okay. Every single person I confided in, was amazing! My friends spoke to me every time I was anxious about going, the nurses and dentists at Guys were all brilliant.

Today, I have not stopped smiling. I may have a mouth full of hole and stitches but I have something much more than pain! I’m on three different pain killers, and my mouth didn’t stop bleeding until last night. But I have teeth, and yes, most of the top set is fake and I couldn’t care because I have my smile back! My smile and my confidence is slowly working its way back. I may have been scared. I may have cried and I may have walked out a hundred times, but I still went back and I’m so glad that I did. Because my fear, may not be completely gone but I am working on it.

I am so thankful for every single person that has been a part of my journey to getting my smile back. Thank you to my niece and Liam for coming with me, time after time, thank you to the staff that gave me my smile. And thank you to my close friends who were there.

I still have to go back for my reviews and hopefully it’s all good news but I’m still scared. Even though I’m not having work done, I still have to go and sit in that chair. But hopefully, I’ll be in a better place. Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️


Facing my fear… take two.

So a fortnight and a day ago, I wrote how I was supposed to be going to the dentist. It never happened. I had a massive panic attack and couldn’t face it. I couldn’t get out the door, I was physically sick and exhausted my body because I couldn’t sleep. I made sure to shut people out and I avoided answering questions about it. However, I made another appointment with the hopes that I could get myself out of the door. That appointment was today.

There weren’t too many people that knew it was today because I didn’t want to make a big deal about not going if I couldn’t. I woke up at about 3 from a bad dream and knew today was going to suck. Luna woke up about 4ish and didn’t go back off to sleep for ages, so my nights sleep was broken which meant I was shattered. It was about 8 when I woke up properly to Luna playing which is so cute and then reality hit. I got triggered because I was scared about something going wrong, I was scared about having a bad reaction or not being able to come home because my blood pressure had dropped and I didn’t want to go.

I was in a state and that lasted most of the morning. I cried so much that my eyes were swollen and I just wanted to sleep and yet I knew I couldn’t. Luna was being funny so I didn’t want to leave her without Kieran so it meant I had to find someone else to come with me. Which caused drama! Finding a replacement chaperone isn’t the easiest thing last minute, but it had to be done. Thankfully, I have a lovely neighbour who agreed to come with me and it was pretty awesome because we had a cool catch up and it had been a while so it was really nice to hang out with him even in the circumstances. I also have an amazing best friend who told me I could do it and every chance they could. And I am beyond thankful for them. I’m pretty blessed!

Before I had left for the dentist, I must have cried about 10 times. Every time I would stop and then 5 minutes later, start crying again because of nerves and fear. Yet, as soon as I left the house, I knew I would do it. I knew I had it in me because I found my strength. And I went. I met up with him on the tube and we chatted the whole time about life and silly things. By the time we got there, we had covered everything from fashion to Netflix and it was pretty interesting. After going up 26 floors and waiting for what felt like an eternity, I was called and I walked to the chair that had kept me awake and yet I didn’t have any work done!!

I sat in the chair under the impression that I was beginning the sedation and thank goodness, I WASN’T!! I had worked myself into such a state over a bit of pink mould and some imprints of my remaining teeth. It was so strange and it was like nail varnish remover was in my mouth. (It wasn’t. It was from the stuff they put on the mould to stop it sticking to the gum shield thing.) I swear, when she was getting the top mould off I thought she was going to take my remaining teeth with her. It was uncomfortable. But that was it.

I sat in the dentists chair and I didn’t cry! I did that! No tears at the dentist for me today! That’s an achievement and I am so proud of myself for doing it. Although I was scared and had worked myself up, I managed to sit there and not get upset. I kept my emotions in check whilst she checked my teeth and took the imprints. I did that and it may have taken years but I know that I am stronger than fear.

I want you to push your boundaries. Face your fears. Because that’s the only way we can grow. Today, I felt a sense of pride in an achievement that two weeks ago, seemed impossible. I want you to embrace life because fear needs you to be scared in order to win. And I know I don’t want to live in fear of the dentists anymore. One visit down, a fair few more to go. But that’s one step closer!!

I hope you are all well and having a great day. Thank you for reading. And I’ll write again soon. Ferrari ❤️


I ate a full meal!

You’re probably thinking, we do that everyday, why is it so special? But for me, to eat a full dinner is something that rarely happens, I thought I best celebrate it.

It may look repulsive to you, but my goodness, it was delicious.

I don’t normally post pictures of my food but this meal was truly delicious. The chicken was fried in BBQ seasoning mixed in with peppers and onions, boiled potatoes and green beans fried in butter. It was on a big plate and I’m not going to lie, I was a little overwhelmed by the amount of food, but I ate it! I even ate chocolate afterwards, but that’s because white chocolate is life. I ate enough of the big bar that I went out and brought a few more as it was originally Luna’s chocolate and I felt a little guilty.

I said that I would be keeping a food journal and for the last few days I have been. I’ve noticed that although breakfast is the most important meal of the day, I can only eat something light. At the moment, it’s a glass of orange juice and hot cross buns but I am also partial to a teacake. I guess something little is better than nothing at all. Right?  Today I had a chicken salad for lunch and again I ate it but it was on a little plate so I didn’t really question it. I will not eat toast or sandwiches for lunch so I have had a lot of salad, its not as filling as easier on my stomach. For tonight, we have the last bit of chicken, so it will probably be made with pasta and salad. Lets hope that I can actually finish tonight’s meal. 

I am encouraging myself to eat and some days its easier than others. I mean it helps that Kieran is an amazing cook and doesn’t mind trying out weird recipes that I concoct in my head. After all, some of our favourite meals have come about that way. I have noticed that I tend to avoid doing the same thing in a row and I prefer to eat it fresh than things that are frozen and I cannot let myself get too hungry or I become a horrible person. I have noticed that I starve myself the most when I feel like my emotions are out of control, so its a mixture of control and twisted self body image. It helps that I have such a great support network, my best friends celebrate every meal I managed to eat and keep down because to me, it’s a big thing. I am lucky like that.

I know that it’s not about to just disappear and I probably watch what I eat more than I let on, but I am getting better. I am finishing meals and I’m not wanting to be sick. I know that every day is a battle, to know that I estimate how many spoonful’s my dinner will take, which is unhealthy. I know that when I literally have to force myself to swallow my food, I am full and keeping a little down is better than bringing a lot back up. I know that I put my body through a lot, but finally I am starting to enjoy food enough to actually want to cook it. I am letting go of the control of how much I eat by knowing exactly what I’m eating. 

Tomorrow, I have the dentist! Yes, let me tell you I am dreading it! I am going to be having some work done which means I will be sedated, thank goodness!! It does mean that Kieran has to navigate the tubes with a very high person, (if I wasn’t out of it, id laugh, so you should be) but it means I wont be posting about it until maybe Tuesday? Depends how my body recovers from it, let’s hope the addisons stays in check or I wont be checking out of hotel de NHS. Hope you all have a great day and I will be back soon. Ferrari.❤️


I still cried at the dentist…

I really wanted to blog whilst I was away but unfortunately that didn’t happen. So I thought I’d give you all an update on what’s been happnening.

So a few weeks ago, I spoke about how I was petrified of the dentist. It stems from being younger and physically being held down in the chair whilst the “mummy” dentist (He would always refer to whatever adult was with us as mummy, even if it was our big sister) would stick his horrible tools around my mouth like a numpty. Now, I used to have perfect teeth. It was around about the time when I deleveloped an eating disorder that caused my teeth to start rotting due to bringing up stomach acid. This dentist, was awful and used to inject my mouth and start the work straight away before it was even numb, I used to leave the dentist in tears and hated going back. When I turned 16, I refused to go. I didn’t care that my teeth were getting worse because I wasn’t prepared to be traumatised again. However, back in 2014, I decided to brave the dentist only this time, I had more knowledge on my side. I knew there were many dentists around my location, that were great for dental phobia patients, so I asked to be referred to one. They gave me a list of options and Guys Hospital was one of them. They have the best dentistry clinic and I managed to get accepted due to the complications that my Addisons Disease plays on my body.During 2014/2015, I was seeing a lovely lady who spent three visits just talking to me and getting me comfortable about being in the chair again, and we started to do some work on my teeth whilst I was sedated. Unfortunately, due to commitment issues with studying in Stoke-on-Trent and attending a clinic in London every other week, I was spending too much money and couldn’t afford to keep coming back. However, my smile was back at a decent standard so I didn’t really mind so much. Fast forward to now and lets just say they are terrible! But, I made the decision to get back in touch with guys and continue the work we started. Yesterday was my first appointment and I cried.

On Monday, Kieran, Luna and I made our way into London and stayed at my best friends house until Wednesday. I got to meet her little boy, M and got massive cuddles with J. It was perfect! I missed her loads and it had been nearly 5 years since I had last seen her in person. (I was supposed to be at her wedding but due to being heavily pregnant with addisons disease as well, I didn’t wanna stress my body out and cause complications. I made the decision not to attend and it broke my heart but my priority was my unborn baby.) Spending a few days with her, was brilliant. I truly miss her loads and its great knowing that from now on, when I have my dentist appointments, I am able to go and stay at hers.

On the Tuesday, I braved going into a busy London station with Kieran for support and faced the dentist even though I was scared shitless. Firstly, it was the first time I had actually left my daughter with anyone who wasn’t Kieran, for longer than ten minutes and OH MY GOODNESS it was difficult. Leaving her even with someone that I trust with my life, was so bloody hard. I hated being away from her but she was as good as possible and only created when I rang to give Lemon an update. I couldn’t stand hearing her cry and knowing I couldn’t do anything as I was half hour away from her. Those three hours were torture and not just because of the dentist. Once I arrived at guys, I had to go in a lift (I can’t stand lifts. I’m better if I can’t see outside but generally I’m nervous in them.) and that was to the 26th floor. Oh, I’m also scared of heights. I can look out on a beautiful view and be fine but if I look down and see what’s below me, I freak.

Once I got to the dentist, I found out that due to lack of milk whilst breastfeeding, high sugar and salt diet (can’t avoid, my body doesn’t keep sugar or salt) and the sickness, that most of my teeth are screwed. I’m going to be having a partial denture to replace my front teeth for a while, whilst they are getting my full set of top teeth ready. I broke down! I hate my teeth because when I smile or talk, it’s all you see. I am so self conscious about my teeth that I refuse to smile properly, I will sit and have my hand over my mouth when I talk or I avoid eye contact because if I see them looking at my teeth, I get upset.

Now, I know it’s a good thing that I’ll be getting a new top set and I’ll smile again, but it’s not the point. I’m 25, and I’m gonna have fake teeth. That’s so disappointing. I am gutted that by the time I’m 26, ill only have about 8 teeth that are my own and they are all on the bottom row (when i’m are sick, generally my tongue is covering the teeth that are actually okay). When I found out about my teeth, I had Kieran, Ryan and Lemon all saying how it was a good thing, that even though they would be fake, I would be able to smile again and feel confident. Apparently, I have a smile that is supposed to be seen because its big and beautiful, I however would completely disagree. I’m just proud that even though I cried the entire time I was in that chair, I still went and faced a few fears and nobody can take that from me.

I go back on the fourth to start some work and my first time in the chair, I will be sedated so atleast I wont be completely with it. When it comes to removing all my top teeth however, I will be asleep so I guess that’s a plus and its a few months away so ive got a while to get used to the idea.

Lastly, I want to thank Kieran for holding my hand through the appointment and telling me that I’m beautiful regardless of my teeth, you really are the greatest! I don’t think I would have gone if you weren’t there. Thank you for loving me and handling my outburst without getting angry because I was upset, I love you for that! Thank you to my lemon, for babysitting my beauty and for being there over the last three days, I honestly love you! Thank you for giving me reassurance and confidence in my ability to be a mum when I was doubting myself and thank you to both Lemon and Hubby Lemon, for allowing us to stay with you and spend time with your boys, the boys looked like they loved our sleepover and Luna hasn’t been the same since. Thank you to my piggy, for helping us get home today, I really didn’t fancy being stranded and you didn’t have too but you did. I truly appreciate you. I also want to thank Ryan, for being a great friend and for giving me the confidence to make the appointment in the first place and for being there as much as you could. And finally I want to thank my little princess for making me smile and forget about the trip to the dentist when I saw her. You amaze me and I am truly spoilt because you are the greatest little lady I could ask for!

I don’t need my teeth to smile. ❤️

I am so lucky to have such amazing and understanding friends. Not once have they judged me or made me feel bad because of my insecurities and my fears. Not once did they let me face it alone and not once did I feel like I couldn’t do it. They are my strength, and because of them, I know I can face anything. Thank you for reading about my dental phobia and a sense of accomplishment, I hope you’re all okay and I will write again soon. Ferrari.❤️