Categories
Awards!

The Mystery Blogger Award!

I never thought I’d be writing this post, because as of a few weeks ago, I hadn’t heard of the Mystery Blogger Award, and I didn’t actually find out what it was until I was nominated. So firstly I want to thank Ronald for nominating me. I feel so honoured that you think so highly of my blog, it really does mean a lot. You are a great support, and all my readers should totally go and check out his blog by clicking here!

The Mystery Blogger Award was created by Okoto Enigma, in honour of getting recognition to bloggers that work hard and provide posts that are worth reading but aren’t for many reasons, discovered. It’s for bloggers that inspire and encourage people all around the world. And I think it’s incredible! As a blogger, we spend a lot of our time writing things that we are passionate about, and I know that those I am going to mention are amazing at this as well.

As with any worthy award, there are rules and they are as follows.

  • Put the award logo/image on your blog.
  • List the rules.
  • Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  • You have to nominate 10 – 20 people
  • Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  • Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  • Share a link to your best post(s)

I guess I should probably tell you three things about me so;

– I am actually a big WWE fan, and I love and watch as much as I can. I mean on PPV nights, I watch as much as I can before I fall asleep and I’m generally tweeting about it.  – Luna downloaded some albums onto my phone via Apple Music, because she wanted Rey Mysterio’s entrance… My phone is on shuffle and it decided to play the Bella’s entrance music just as I wrote that and not going to lie, I sat gigglying to myself. –

– I am a massive reader and will always make a point of reading the books and watching the films because I think the writer and directors of both have different views and ideas, and I like to compare them… Yes, I am a nerd.

– I once was on a sailing boat and did things that you see pirates do in movies… It was one of the scariest three days of my life! We were out to sea during a thunderstorm and I was petrified. I can’t swim and I hate thunderstorms. It was also extremely hard work, I came back and was sore for days, but it was amazing and if you can ever have the chance to sail a proper boat, I recommend it.

5 Questions Answered;

1: What are the five things you cannot live without? Why does it have to be things Ronald? Because for one, I cannot live without my daughter! But oooookay. I will do material things. My notepad, because I am forever writing things down. My ipod, it has way too many songs because I only ever add to it. So I have music from my childhood on it and it’s nice to have those memories. My laptop and Phone because I have friends that I don’t get to see and I always love talking to them! And my Finn Balor Leather Jacket! I love my jacket even if it is a guys jacket and bigger than me! It was brought for me by mum for Christmas and as long as it’s not too hot outside, I will be wearing it!

2: According to you, what is a perfect day? I’m a mum so it would always be any day that has my daughters laugh and smile because there is no perfect moment. She has an ear infection so she’s really clingy at the moment and isn’t her happy bubbly self which really sucks.

3: Which celebrity you would love to meet? And why? Okay, so this stumped me. I don’t know if they are considered a celebrity but they are also dead. So, it’s more a person of history than one of a current celebrity. I would want to meet J.M Barrie. He is the author of The Complete Adventures of Peter Pan, and theres more to the story than Wendy. I love the stories and have read the collection. They are some of my most favourite pieces of work and I want to know what inspired him to write it. Before he died, he gave the rights to Peter Pan stories to Great Ormond Street Hospital and personally, that is someone I would like to meet.

4: Who or what inspired you to take up blogging? I don’t think anyone inspired me to start blogging. I think it was more, I had a lot of things going on and I just wanted a place where I could write how I felt and nobody could tell me what I could or couldn’t say because it was my space. I come from a big family and often felt like I was ignored because my brothers needs would and should have always came first.

5: Describe an incident involving you that you’re not proud of. Any incident involving my partners mother. She’s not the easiest of people to talk to and it’s even harder considering she doesn’t give a shit about her only granddaughter, she can only ever seem to think of herself. However, I always seem to let her get under my skin and end up saying things out of anger because of how my brain reacts. BPD is really tricky to try and keep level headed when emotion is involved. But I am slowly getting better. I mean I’m talking about it more rather than losing my shit straight away.

I’m supposed to pick my best posts, but I can’t because everyone will always have a different opinion to me, so I thought I’d list the ones that meant the most to write. As I only shared a really emotional post last night, I wont include that one. But here are some of my others.

I wanted to pick some of the great bloggers that offer me such support and love every time! They help me during writers block and provide great content. I am so proud of all their hard work and this is my way of encouraging them not to give up.

  • Amy Jane; she provides a travel/food blog which at times gives me serious envy. But I am so fortunate enough to live vicariously through her! Check out her blog;
  • Lozza; she is an incredible person and I am so fortunate to follow her and receive her support. Honestly, check out her blog! Its amazing.
  • ThoughtsWithN; Her lifestyle blog is really creative and covers wellbeing as well as parenting. Go check out her blog!
  • Edley; He is a great guy who is blogging about his personal battle with M.S as well as sharing other peoples stories and giving them a platform to speak. Check out his blog, here.
  • BeardedIgor; Again, another great guy whos blog is very interesting to read. He talks about his journey to happiness despite mental health complications. Check him out, here!
  • My Simple Mind; She has an awesome mental health blog and in general is a great loving person. Go and check out her blog.
  • Shannon; She blogs about her life and not only that, but there’s poetry! She’s an amazing person and well worth a check!
  • Breanna; She’s only posted one post, because she got a full time job and is still trying to work out a schedule but here’s for when she comes back.
  • AstralOutfitter; if you’re a foodie, this blog is for you! There are a few recipies that sound tasty and a must read for any experimentalists out there. Check out their blog, here.
  • LucyMayyyReads; if you’re a big reader… this is the blog for you! From classics you haven’t read, to ones you can’t put down. Check her out now!
5 Questions Asked
  • What is your favourite song of all time?
  • What makes you smile most when you’re upset?
  • Have you ever played a prank on someone? If so, I want details.
  • Where do you see yourself in five years?
  • Dr Pepper or Coca-Cola?

Thank you again Ron, for nominating me, it means a lot! And to all my readers, thank you for taking the time to read through a post that is very much about showing support to multiple bloggers that aren’t as mainstream as they should be. I hope you all have a good day, and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

Categories
Fears face on!

I tried stand up…

I have a lot of bad habits that I’m trying to kick in my life and one of them, is living life in fear. I let fear control a lot of what I say and do which is no way to live and I never want Luna to live her life behind fear. I want her to reach for the moon and land among the stars. I want her to never give up on something that she really wants, no matter how out there it may be. I figured it would be time to start facing those fears, even if it means landing flat on my arse.

I love to make people laugh and try to cheer everyone up as best I can, because I hate it when people aren’t okay. I have a lot of love for stand-up comedians and even more so now that I have gotten up on stage and seen it through their eyes. I have a lot more respect for what they do and let me tell you now, it is tough!

So, for the last few months, I’ve been saying that I wanted to do a comedy night because I am hilarious –in the words of others anyway-. And figured why not. I mean what did I really have to lose. Nothing. That’s what. Me and one of my mates were discussing about when would it be best to do the stand up, and well I wanted to wait until after I had my teeth sorted because I was extremely self-conscious of smile and talking was a different story. I couldn’t exactly get up on stage and cover my mouth the entire time… that would have looked ridiculous. And after getting used to wearing a denture and by the time I was no longer on any medication for the swelling I thought what the hell.

On the 6th of August, I was sat at home at about 12pm, and started to look around for places that would do amateur stand-up. I know my brain, if I sit and wonder about it for too long, I will find way too many ways to talk myself out of it. So, it had to be soon. I found one called the ‘Comedy Car Crash’ which I thought was perfect given the fact I was named after a car. I wanted to be covered for if it was a complete wreck. They had one that night at half 7… I thought it was perfect and messaged one of my friends to ask what his plans were for that night and when he said he didn’t have any, I was like great!

Well, that night I made my way to London, first stopping off at my mate’s house to drop my stuff off and to get ready and then onto The Lion’s Den in Bar Rumba off Piccadilly Circus. I signed up and was told that all 14 places were filled, so I’d go in the Wishlist hat which meant the chance of performing became smaller. I figured that I could have one drink to calm the nerves that had started building. I wasn’t nervous until I got there and started to realise there was a chance, I’d be talking to a room full of strangers and trying to make them laugh. I don’t honestly it set in until I got there and because of it, I was deluding myself.

One drink turned into two before the show had even started. I was a nervous wreck. What was I doing? I hadn’t prepared anything. I was just going to wing it. I saw all these faces building and I was getting worse. If the alcohol wasn’t going to make me hurl, my own anxiety was. We were told that the show would be starting in three minutes and I was started to take it out on my drink. It went pretty quickly.

*Side note* Now this is where my brain gets fuzzy and I apologise. I was a wreck. I did make notes for this piece whilst I was drunk, and they are quite interesting to read sober. Let me tell you.

The show started with Chester Constable and I can remember laughing so hard. He was a great way to start the show and it made me forget for a few minutes what I was going to be doing that night. He managed to make me laugh and forget my mind but that could have had something to do with the alcohol in my system. Then the acts started to come on stage, and it was interesting. I got to see so many different people and different styles of comedy that I found myself in stitches for most of the first half.

At the time of the second half starting, I was onto my fourth drink. My mind was telling me that the chances of me performing were slim to none as there was already ten other people in the wish list hat. I believed it and continued to drink. By the time I was halfway through my fourth one, I looked at my friend and said, it’ll be just my luck that I must get on stage this intoxicated. Well, wasn’t I right? By the time everyone had performed, it was close to the end of the night and it was time for the wish list. They would pick as many as they could to perform that night and picking a couple at the end for a guaranteed spot next week. My chances of performing just shot through the roof and I was way too intoxicated to take it seriously.

The first act of our group performed, and I was sitting there thinking that wasn’t too bad. Who’s going to get up and follow that. Then the host got to the stage and started talking about a car… I knew it was me. Me and my mate looked at each other at the same time and I was just like OH CRAP! My insides wanted to pour onto the floor. My mind was a mess and I’m not going to lie, I was quite surprised that I managed to make it onto the stage without falling over. I got on stage, and my mind went blank. I forgot my name. Forgot where I was. Forgot all about the alcohol and just babbled. I can’t remember what I said, or what jokes I cracked, and a part of me thinks that’s a good thing. I remember people laughing and thinking about well, one laugh is better than none. I think I took the piss out of my name; I mean why wouldn’t I, and of course that got laughs because vroom vroom. But I don’t remember the ins and outs. I remember the bright lights that was shining in my face, magnified by whatever cocktails I had downed. I remember looking into the crowd and not making out faces, they were just blobs that laughed.

As soon as I had finished, I basically ran to my chair, gave a couple of high fives as I sat down and then just wanted to disappear. As soon as the show was over, I made my mate basically run away from the club because I wanted to sink into a pit and just hide! I had done it but at what cost? I remember asking him about if it was funny and he said it was. But then, he would have said anything that night to stop me from beating myself up about it. We made our way back to his and I passed out crying about something I can’t remember. I really did feel for him that day. I remember bumping my head a few times too and I must have been chatting shit, but all the emotion was finally over. I had done it!

I learned quite a lot about myself and about stand up that day. So, I thought I’d make a list of things to do if you ever feel like giving stand-up a go.

  • Do not drink your nerves away! It could end badly!
  • Nerves are okay. It’s good to be nervous because you’re putting yourself out there, just remember that others are too.
  • If you choose an amateur night, you will have plenty other people who have never gotten on stage before so you’re all in the same boat.
  • The idea is to make people laugh, so do that whilst staying true to who you are.
  • If you plan on drinking, EAT FIRST! I didn’t and was way more intoxicated than I should be.
  • Prepare something! Because otherwise you’re on stage forgetting yourself.

I never thought I would get back up and talk to people again because of my teeth. I never thought I’d put myself out there by giving a part of myself to be vulnerable. I was scared that I wasn’t going to make people laugh, even though I do it a lot of the time. I was scared that I would make a fool out of myself and well that’s kind of the point of making people laugh. That day, to that audience, I gave a bit of myself to the world. No, it was far from perfect, but it was me. It was scaring and it was out of my comfort zone. But every single person there that night, helped me push myself and I am so thankful. To all the strangers in the room that laughed at me, thank you. Now, would I do it again? Sure. But I certainly won’t be getting drunk. Maybe I could compare the two, I don’t know. But what I do know is, I want to keep putting myself out of my comfort zone because there’s so much more to this life to experience.

Thank you to everyone who helped and encouraged me to follow my heart to that club that night. Thank you to Liam who held my hand whilst I was so nervous, I thought I was going to hurl. Thank you to the endless love and support I got after! You are all amazing.

Want to see all future fear facing adventures, make sure to follow my blog, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram to stay up to date on what I’m getting up too. Thank you for reading, and I hope that wherever you are in the world, you keep smiling. Ferrari.

Categories
Mental health

It’s not easy…

If you had asked me a few months ago if I wanted to continue blogging, the answer would have been no. I was ready to just give up on it and walk away. I was prepared to delete my and just not think about it again. As you can see, I didn’t do that, what I did was the opposite. I took some time away from focusing on stats and marketing it, I took time from writing -the break from writing was an accident. I had writers block and didn’t know what I wanted to write – I have over 40 drafts because I started and stopped so many different pieces. I was being a lot harder on myself than I should have been and because of it my writing suffered massively.

I’ve been in a dark place for a while, that’s no secret. This year has tested me in ways I didn’t expect and challenged me at every corner. But the light is coming in slowly. The colours are brightening up and I am slowly realising the person I want to be by knowing what I don’t want. I am starting to recognise myself in the mirror. Sure, it’s still distorted but slowly, I will be confident and strong again. I found my smile through the help of Guys Hospital and even with the complications, I haven’t stopped. What better way to build your confidence, than with a new smile?

I realised that I am an awesome person if I toot my own horn. And for me to say that about myself is rare! Everyone thinks I’m super confident and have the world by the horns. The truth is, I have been worn down, and for a long time I was a shell of the person I wanted. Since I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I’ve been learning more about myself and that had led me to be the person I want to be. I am learning control and sometimes it’s hard, but I know my relationships with people are so much better for it.

I’m the type of person that would be there for someone regardless of who they are and wouldn’t think twice. I’m the type of person who would go out of my way for people that I care about. I’m the type of person who has to try to control overreacting because of how I’m wired. I’ve had a therapist say that my brain is like a bus, and when something affects me, that emotion takes control and next thing I know, I’m going off a cliff at 90 because I got too upset. Yet, I never stop caring. My heart only ever grows, and I try my hardest to be a nice person. I’m the type of person that will always support the people I love with whatever they are doing in their lives.

I’m the type of person that will react to everything, but that’s because I’m emotionally invested into everything that I do. I always put my all in, that means the goods are brilliant but the lows, well they suck. Every day, I must challenge my brain and my way of thinking. Sometimes I can stop myself and other times I can’t. I’m the type of person that has my feelings disregarded time after time, so I bury how I feel, and it eats away at me. I’m the type of person that will forgive everyone but never forgets.

I make a point of sharing the big moments in my life, with my nearest and dearest before I shared it with the world because I believe that the people that have picked me up time and time again deserve to know before people I’ve never met. I make a point of reaching out to those I know wouldn’t reach out first because of fear, because nobody deserves to feel alone or isolated. I make a point of making people laugh and keeping them smiling because even for a moment, they forget their troubles. I make a point of never giving on people, even when they’re the ones in the wrong because I won’t let other people change me. I do this because I have a big heart and no amount of negativity will change that.

I have come a long way this year. From the girl that cut her arm because she wanted the pain to be real, then to a train station where I almost made a life altering decision, to being signed off because of my mental health to the girl that has faith in the future. The girl that has made plans with people and goals that don’t seem so irrational. I’m the girl that has found her smile, her laugh, and slowing her mind.

I still have bad days. I still take steps back every now and then, but I keep pushing on. I keep trying even when I don’t see any point. I have days where I nap because I have no energy. There are days where I question who I am and wonder if I am this negative energy that drains the life from everyone I love. I wonder if I’m the darkest cloud in the sky with no hope of sunshine around. Thankfully, these days are becoming less, but they are still there, and they still have the power to destroy me, I make a point of trying not to let it. I make a point of smiling all the time, because a smile has the power to change someone’s day. I know that because smiles are contagious.

If you asked me if I wanted to continue blogging now, I’d say yes! I have found that writing has helped me massively. Yet, it’s helped other people and that means more! Sure, writing is a great way to help me process my brain but, knowing that someone read what I wrote, and it helped them, is incredible. I have met some awesome people because of my blog, and I am so thankful that I didn’t give up. I’m not saying it’s going to be the best blog out there, but I will always be honest and write about things that mean something to me.

I hope that you all have a great weekend, and you smile loads. I hope that even if you are struggling, you reach out to people because there is always someone willing to listen. Check out my social media by clicking on either, Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram and stay up to date with all things blog related but most of all, until next time, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

Categories
Health❤️

The Spoon Method and a mental health update…

Today, I had a really testing day but I also learned so much. I learnt more about myself and my condition, which is strange because when it comes to Addison’s, I’m usually the smartest person in the room. So I thought I’d share my day with you guys. I apologise now for the awfully long post, but on the bright side, you don’t have to read this.

At half 9 this morning, I had to attend the outpaitents department at my local hospital to have a short synacthen test done. Now I know many of you don’t know what one of those is, so let me explain it. They take your base blood and then inject you with this awful liquid that was imported from Italy, because there is a national shortage of it here, the same as my emergency injection kit, but i’ll get into that later. Then they wait half hour and an hour after injecting you with the syrum so they can see how your adrenal glands react. I had to have this done because after I gave birth to my little lady, some idiot doctor took me off them, when my blood pressure sky rocketed due to an infection. I then had to fight just to be seen by an specialist in Endocrinology just to get my tablets back because my gp was saying that my diagnosis wasn’t there so I didn’t need them. For the last 14 months, I have gotten sicker and because I haven’t had my steroids, I’ve had to taken extra care and a lot of extra naps, just to get me through the day. Hopefully after having this test today, ill be back on normal steroids again!

I was really grateful that the Endocrinologist nurse that was going to be doing the test was Jennii, because I already knew her and she remembered me. With a name like Ferrari, i’m a little harder to forget. I met her back in March 2013, when she was the nurse who gave me a day curve. . Again, this is another blood test, only this time, they are testing your blood to check if you’re on the right amount of steroids. I had the day curve on the Friday, which I slept through because I was actually quite sick and then on the Monday, I was in hospital with suspected appendicitis. For someone who cannot stand needles, I absolutely hate these tests. Yet, she remembered how much I couldn’t stand them and tried her hardest to keep the cannula open because she only wanted to give me one needle today. With a lot of hard work and pumping, we managed to keep the cannula in all day! We got talking about how I had been since she had last seen me and that she was surprised to read that I had given birth and even more surprised when she found out it was at the same hospital I attended today. And I mentioned everything from mental health to my blog and my novel and she was the one who gave me the idea for this post.

I have had so many people ask me about my condition and it wasn’t until today that I could really explain it. I mean sure, we can discuss the medical terms of what it is. I don’t produce the hormones that I need in order to fuction. I have no immune system and my body attacks itself. The adrenal glands are little glands that sit on top of your kidneys, they release hormones at different points of your day and get you through it. Before you wake up in the morning, your body would have already released cortisol into your system and that’s why you have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. Mine don’t work to an acceptable level which is why I was on steroids right up until Luna was a week old. Instead of fight or flight, I have fail. My body goes into a crisis when under extreme stress and then it shuts down. I have two hours to inject myself and in extreme cases get to the hospital because I could go into a coma. How do you explain to a healthy person what it’s like to be sick? How do you explain what it’s like to have an autoimmune disease? How can I explain to everyone else the daily struggles that my life became at the age of 19? Well today, Jennii told me the answer and its the ‘Spoon Theory’ by Christine Miserandino, I would strongly suggest checking out the actual article, The Spoon Theory as I really will only give you a cliffnotes version.

She explains that Lupus, another autoimmune disease, is like starting the day with 12 spoons. Healthy people, don’t have to worry about their spoons, because they have a seemingly endless supply most days but for those that are sick, they have these spoons. You can never drop or forget about the spoons, the same way we couldn’t forget about our condition. You lose spoons for each activity you do throughout the day, because your body isn’t physically capeable of everything, you have to act accordingly. You can’t do as and what you please. You cant write a list of things to do for that day and expect to get everything done because your body can’t handle it. Before even starting the day, you have to get up and take medication. You have to take them, knowing they are what are keeping you with your spoons. You lose spoons before you’ve left your bed if you didn’t sleep well and even more so if you’re sick. The rest of day, you are limited and everything you do will cost you. Things people take for granted like doing the chores, can take me hours because I have to rest or my body pays the price with more spoons. I can take spoons from tomorrow but that would already put me on a deficit. Unlike healthy people, everything I do, I have to account for. I have to account for all the walking and exercise, for the lack of meals and lack of sleep. I have to account for physically stress that I put on my body as well as emotional and mental stress and most of the time, I use up all my spoons. So just hold on, because even though my life is limited and the pain can keep me in bed for days at a time, I still choose to socialise and even that costs me.

Now like I said, it was my understanding of her article that made me realise that if I explained my condition in this way, it might make a little more sense. Maybe people might understand why, especially at times when my body is attempting to battle an infection, that I’m a bit more reserved. Because I have less spoons to start the day and most of the time, its not enough.

After learning about the spoon method, I had to attend a therapy session and talk about how I was feeling. I had to talk about things that had gotten to me in the last month (I was quite poorly the last time I was supposed to have a session and then she went on holiday so it took longer than expected) and I just broke down in tears whilst she sat there and wrote goodness knows what down on her little notebook. She asked me how I was feeling and how I was coping. She asked about Luna and my eating. She just asked all these questions and I literally just cried because I was so exhausted from holding everything in that I just rambled. At the end of the session she had decided that I’m having a referral to a dietician so we can get me on supplements to make up for my lack of eating… So not only am I taking steroids, I’m going on supplements? Maybe I should hit up the gym and get massive… then again, maybe not. She also sat there and told me that my biggest problems and greatest drawbacks were confidence, self belief and self doubt. I have too much self doubt and not enough self belief or confidence. She said that I don’t see my self worth, I think that little of myself that I destroy everything good because I hit self destruct. I see myself as the problem for all the crap that I have had to deal with, and I carry it around to the point that it suffocates me. I think that little of myself, that I question why anyone would stick around, why anyone would care. And I need to change that. I need to believe in myself the way others do. I need to learn to love myself the way the most important people in my life love me. I need to believe that I deserve to be happy because right now, I am the only person standing in my way.

She doesn’t need a perfect mummy because they don’t exist, but she does need a happy healthy one.

I hope you are okay. I hope that you haven’t been too exhausted and that you’re smiling. Because believe me, the world needs to see your smile. Until the next time, Ferrari.❤️