Categories
Mumma Life!

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

Categories
Being a mum❤️ Family❤️

Family is something we can’t choose…

I am and have always been family orientated. My family mean the world to me and I’d do practically anything to make sure they are happy and healthy, but there’s plenty that I wouldn’t do as well.

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever hope to hold. My daughter is my biggest motivator and best friend. She is adorable beyond words and her happiness is paramount to me. I’d go above and beyond for her because she’s my daughter and that’s what you do for your children. However, there are times where I must do things that would make me seem unfair to certain people.

I will also be the first person to stand in-between my daughter and those who wish to cause her harm or negativity. That includes family! I am not about to let any single person on this planet, treat my daughter like she doesn’t matter, and I certainly won’t allow ‘family’ to do the same. Call me strict, but I don’t want my daughter going through the same heartache and pain that I went through.

My daughter is really lucky, because she does have so many people around her that love and cherish her more than I thought possible. I know there are a list of people that would go to the ends of the world for my daughter, because they love and care for her. They also want what’s best, however, all her family won’t be involved in her life and it won’t be Luna missing out.

Luna has family she has met once and will probably never see again. She also has family she will never meet, and that’s not through her faults and when she grows up, I’ll explain it to her but that does break my heart. I grew up with having a chunk of my family not bother with me, and they still don’t really care to this day. They will be some of the people missing out on Luna. Not me. I get to see her adorable little smile and her bubbly personality each and every day. Those don’t and wont.

I won’t give people the opportunity to walk out on my daughter, the same way they walked out on Kieran and me. I won’t allow people to let her down repeatedly or say that her birthdays don’t matter. I won’t allow other people to make her feel like she is any less than what she is. I won’t allow “grandparents” an automatic right in her life, just because they may share DNA.

Luna has two parents that adore the life out of her! She has four grandparents that spoil and cherish her and each of them have an ever-growing bond with her. I mean, she goes so shy whenever my pops come over, but that doesn’t stop her from backing into him for cuddles every ten minutes or playing chase in the garden. Every morning, she calls for nanny cats and goes into the living room to see her and gives her the biggest smile! Then we have Katie and Ste, Kieran’s dad and step mum. They are incredible with her, so much that it makes me cry. They came down when she was readmitted to hospital, even though there was snow on the roads, and they had to drive the two-hour journey. That was the first time they met her, and they went through some difficult situations but still they made the effort!

I have my best friends who ring me up and always ask how my daughter is and generally, they all have to have conversations with her, but I don’t mind. Because they are actually taking the time to make an effort with my baby girl. Luna has aunts and uncles that she has built such strong bonds with, so sometimes taking her away from them for bed or naps can become a problem but she still gets special time with all of them.

So now, to the family who can’t be bothered with my daughter. The family that can’t be bothered to send a message asking how she is or what she’s learnt to do this week, because she is always growing and learning. To all of you that want to claim you have an active part in my daughter’s life, you don’t. She doesn’t know who you are and that’s not my fault. I can’t force her to know people that can’t be bothered with her and I won’t make her put up with you just because your family. Most of you, don’t deserve to know the happiness and love that my little girl can bring. You won’t know the way she laughs when the claw comes out or how much she loves animals and being outdoors. You won’t get to experience her sassy, cheeky nature. You won’t get to see how smart she is, when she’s reading her books and understanding the words. You won’t get to feel how loving and cuddly she is, because she will give everyone attention. And that’s not my fault. I’m not missing out on her because I am her mum, which means I am her strength each and every day. That strength, means stopping people I consider toxic, being an active part in her life.

But thank you. Thank you to those that put in the effort. Thank you to those that never let Luna forget who they are. Thank you to those that may come round to see me but still make effort to play with Luna and make her smile. You are the ones that Luna will grow up around. And for that, I couldn’t be more thankful.

We don’t have to allow family in our lives just because they are related. If they don’t boost you up or show concern when you’re down, they don’t deserve a place in your life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve people around you that make you happy. So don’t settle for anything less than happiness.

Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Lifestyle❤️

Bullying…

I am pretty sure that every single person that is alive right now has experienced bullying in one way or another. Because of the progression of the internet, it has become so much easier, with there not really being a safe place that we can hide from. It can take so many different forms whether it is physical, mental, emotional or verbal. And every single one of them are really bad on a person.

Noun – A person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidate those whom they perceive as vulnerable. ‘He is a ranting, domineering bully’.
Verb – Seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable) ‘her 11- year-old son has been constantly bullied at school’, ‘a local man was bullied into helping them’ – https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/bully

I was in primary school when I first started to get bullied. In fact, I was bullied relentlessly in primary school, and the first of my two secondary schools. I hate to write my next statement but I then in turn became a bully. I will never say that it was because I was a horrible person, because I’m not. I just got sick of being the one getting attacked especially for things that was no others concern. So, to every single person I ever belittled in my childhood, to those that I made feel worse about themselves, to those that I made dread to come to school, I’m more sorry than you will ever know! I should never have taken my frustration out on you because you weren’t the ones responsible for the years of abuse I got, and you never deserved my retaliation.

I was bullied from an early age because of my name and then when they found out about my home life, it just got worse. I come from a single parent background, grew up and still live in a council house, with severally autistic brothers who I would defend until my last breath. I have had every dig, every joke and every comment possible in regards to having a car name. That wasn’t bad. I can handle the comments about my name, after all, they just didn’t like the fact they had boring names and my parents had a bit of creativity in their choice… well my dad did, my mum let him choose my name and here I am, with the name Ferrari that I have had pretty much all my life. What I couldn’t handle was them making comments about my family, saying how my brothers must have been inbred because of their disability, saying how my family were low and scum because of where we grew up and because none of us every had the latest toys or trainers.

Now, before I learnt what a back bone was, I took all the bullying personally. I mean I had enough going on at home that meant anything else on top of that was enough to weigh me down. School and seeing my friends were my escape from a less than perfect home life and to experience bullying was awful. I had this best friend who I called ‘blue eyes’ and he was my best friend during my primary school days, right up until I moved a few months before my 12th birthday and I honestly could never thank him enough. We used to hang out every day after school, in the square by his house. One of the girls that used to hang around with us, told him that he shouldn’t be my friend because I’m a skank and poor and blah blah blah… Funnily enough, her whole family hated my family and I couldn’t ever work out why… He was probably my first ever true friend because he never paid attention to what she said, he didn’t care if she didn’t like me because I was his friend and that’s all that mattered. We still keep in contact today.

I was lucky. Although I was bullied, it was all verbal. They never hurt me physically which is a positive thing. But emotionally, I was exhausted. When I started secondary school, one of the girls that was bullying me in primary, went to the same school as me. This meant that I got bullied from a whole new group of girls. All the words, all the taunts, all the nastiness, had worked me up to the point I didn’t want to go to school. However, it was never physical. By the time I had moved to the second of my two schools, I had become a bitch. The company I kept wasn’t exactly the most friendliest and if she hated someone, you generally had to hate them too. It was during my time at secondary school that bullying took on a whole different level.

I had so many rumours going round the school, some started by people I thought were friends and others started by people that wished they had my attention. According to the rumours, I had slept with most of my hometown (still isn’t true), I had apparently slept with my step brother (again, another lie. I don’t even have a step brother). I had all these different lies made up by people who had nothing better to do. It got worse when social media became a big thing. There were new ways to broadcast my alleged life, even with most of it being bullshit. I had people trying to put me down and make me feel like shit because of things I hadn’t done. I would get called fat and ugly, incest, a slut, a whore, a homewrecker, an attention seeker, and although they were all just words, they grated on me and slowly destroyed my self confidence and I still don’t really have it back. I mean my best friend used to call me fat and tell me I had saggy boobs and bum all the time, she told me how I was a slut because I had sex a lot, but why did it really matter to her? I mean she was the one who started the rumour that I slept with my step brother, she was also the one who tried a few times to break up me and my ex, even slept with him herself… She was still my best friend until a few years ago. However, she would have you believe that I’m the negative person. Turns out, my best friend had been manipulating me for years, knocking me down as much as she could to make herself better, and I helped her because I thought she was right. I thought she was the best and she really wasn’t.

I was lucky in the sense that I always knew who my bullies were. I didn’t have to worry about my online presence so much, because it was relatively new. I mean there were platforms that was asking for trouble but I tried to stay away from them. My bullies never attacked me physically, but they did damage the person I thought I was. For a long time, I would avoid those people because they always brought negative emotions. Loads of people, especially school children now are experiencing bullying and most of it is coming from behind a computer. This now means that people aren’t safe in their own homes because they can still be victimised.

I said earlier that I had bullied a few people and even though it was never intentional and I didn’t set out to hurt them, I just had a vicious tongue that I know how to use to attack people and that’s a bad thing. I had stood there and watched as my ‘friends’ would make jokes about people and id laugh and agree. I was a bitch for that and I am so sorry. I should have known better but I still helped to make your day worse. And I will carry that around with me because those people didn’t deserve to feel like shit because I was being bullied. Being bullied is not an excuse to bully others.

Recently, I saw that a girl who used to make comments about me, has been receiving them herself and my heart felt sorry for her. Nobody deserves to get bullied or harassed for things that are of no concern for anyone else. No one deserves to feel like they aren’t worthy of being alive or appreciated. You are! Just because someone has developed an opinion on you, doesn’t make it true. Their opinions on who you are and how you live your life don’t matter, as long as you are happy with it. So what can we do to change it?

  • Be careful of the words you use in anger. Because those words could be the dagger someone needed to quit.
  • If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t talk. If you can’t better someone’s life, then don’t add to it at all.
  • Don’t let other people dertermine how you feel about yourself. You are a light to someone and they need you.
  • Just because people are pricks to you, doesn’t mean that you deserve it nor does it mean that the whole world will treat you that way. The opinions of a few don’t matter.
  • Trust and love yourself! Because, you are one hell of person! You have emotions and beauty. You have hope and desire. You have the power to change the world, so don’t let that change be a negative one.

Be a positive change in this world. Because your words, your actions and your choices will have an affect on others. Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Being a mum❤️

Bug bears as a first time mum…

When you’re a first time mum, you have so many people around you telling you all sorts of things. Now I don’t know how many would agree with me, but honestly, they drove me up the wall!! I know the kind of parent I want to be and I know the kind of parent I don’t want to be. I don’t need outside opinions about what I should and should not be doing with my daughter. I LOVE Luna, and I’d do absolutely anything for her but I’m going to learn how to be a parent the best way I can, by being her mum. As a first time mum, I’ve heard and been through enough to know which people to listen too. So I thought I’d discuss some of the key ones that jump out.

Just you wait until (enter next milestone here). My daughter is incredible and learns at her own speed. I could not and would not fault her for it. She can say about 6 words and know their meanings as well as walking, crawling, feeding herself with a spoon. She has about 12 teeth in her tiny little mouth (and oh my goodness, they hurt!), and loves music. She started walking for the first time days ago and I couldn’t be prouder because it means that she’s going to be exploring the world right there next to us. People that say, you’ll wish she weren’t walking are wrong. Because yes it means being vigil but as a parent of a toddler, you’re supposed to have eyes on them at all times unless you’re prepared to clean up the mess.

Oh look at her attitude. She’s your double, better watch out. Well done genius. She’s made up of half my dna which means she’s gonna take after me. She’s got an attitude? Yes. 100% got an attitude. But that’s not a problem. She is a sassy little mare and I love her for it. She will start spouting “blagger blagger blagger” and then puts her hand up and walks away. She said what she had to say and clearly she was done with the conversation. She’s one. Why would I punish that? She is growing into her character and she’s exploring. She’s a child and I hope that she continues to be the sassy little princess I’ll raise her to be. The girl can have manners and a bit of attitude.

In my day, we did this… no one can tell you how they used to do it. I mean it’s currently the older generation that’s in charge of the country and look how that’s turning out. Their priorities have always been in the wrong place and I don’t want my daughter growing up the way I did. I don’t want to ever be scared to come home, I never want to know that she can’t tell me when she’s upset and I never want her to feel like she can’t hug me.

If you pick her up every time she cries she’ll become attached. What a crock of shite! I know the difference between my daughters cries. And if my daughter wants a cuddle, guess what, she’s gonna get a bloody cuddle. No one gives a cuddle like she does. I stand by the phrase, you cannot over cuddle a child! Luna isn’t attached. Yes she has her clingy days, but that’s because she’s teething and it must really hurt to have teeth push through your gums. I mean could you imagine that 🤣. She is one of the happiest little girls you could ever meet. She will hug pretty much everyone and doesn’t get shy that often (there are a few exceptions).

Now I could go on but they are the biggest bug bears that I hear all the time at the minute. Luna is by far my greatest achievement. She gets up and dances when she hears a song she likes, she will sit and stare every time she sees Felicia in Shrek. I swear she loves the end credits of the third film more than the film itself. Her smile can lighten a room and make you awe. Luna is my creation. And I honestly can’t express how perfect her laugh is, it’s a joy that everyone should know.

She stole them from me to try them on.

What are some of your bug bears as a parent? Let me know. @OpenUpWithMe on Twitter, Insta and Facebook. Thank you for reading. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Uncategorized

Goals for 2019!

Well I decided I didn’t want to do New Years resolutions because there isn’t a bad habit I want to break or a lifestyle choice I want to bring in. But there are things I want to do next year. I want to make it bigger and better. So I thought I’d compose a list of the things I want out of next year rather than a list I have no intention to stick too.

This year has been one of my hardest. And I want to take steps to make sure that next year is so much better not only for me but the ones I love dearly.

  • Once a month I want to take my daughter out of this town and do something with her. I want her to know the world is much bigger than what it seems and she has the right to see it all.
  • Once a month, I want to spend a few hours with the guy I love where we aren’t parents just people. I want to spend time remembering why I love him and why we are incredible together and why I will always fight for him.
  • I want to write more! I want to write more here and of my novel. I want to write at least one post a week, maybe more I don’t know. But I definitely want to share more with you guys and grow my blog.
  • I want to smash my target of 1000 visitors. We smashed the 1000 views in a year so I want to get my first visitor target of 1000. Which needs more and better content.
  • I want to finish my novel. It’s kind of taken a back step recently due to mental health issues but I want to get it complete in 2019.
  • I want to read more books next year! Which means I need to buy more books… much to Kieran’s dismay. I want to be lost in more books and complete the 100 books to read before I die. Okay. I won’t do all 100, but I can get at least five done.
  • I want to go to more concerts! I want to see more bands and artists. I’ve got a whole list of people I want to see so I probably should get a start on that.
  • I want to find a job within Marketing. I want to be able to use my creativity day in and out and get paid for it. I want to be able to find a job to make daughters quality of life so much better.
  • I want to take more time with my friends. I feel like this year I’ve been all about being a mum and not really taken time for myself. To see the ones I haven’t seen in ages and spend time with those that I speak to all the time.
  • I want to share a positive thought each and every day to try and bring me out of this think. I want to acknowledge things I couldn’t be without and put those positive thoughts out there to help lighten the darkness.
  • I want to get out of my mothers because I swear this house drives me crazy! As much as I love my family, I can’t stand the fact that I had to give up a two bed house to come back to a room.
  • Mentally, I want to be in a better place next year. I want to be able to have more positive than negative thoughts. I want to live life more and not be in fear of my mind, or my anxiety. I want to be in control.

I want my life back in my hands. And I’m determined to bring myself back to a sane level. A level where I’m not constantly down or depressed. Where I’m not hiding behind a fake smile. I want to be able to get through the day without breaking down. I want to be able to feel strong again.

I may not be okay at the moment. But next year is a new year. It’s full of endless possibilities. It has so much potential. And I want to get as much out as possible. I want this year to be Luna’s best yet. And that all starts with positive thinking. I am positive that next year, things will end better than this.

Next year will be more for me. I will stand up for myself and put my family first. I’ll stay away from those that have brought me down and appreciate those that have picked me up. Next year may not be easy, but I will end it in a better place. So come on 2019. It may just be another year, but let’s try and make sure it’s a brighter one.

Categories
Blogmas!❤️

On the sixth and seventh day of Blogmas…

On the sixth day of Blogmas, I intended to give you a display of us getting into the festive spirit with our beautiful Christmas jumpers, however, I was so tired. The night before last, Luna had one of the worst nights in a very long time which meant we got little sleep. That meant that the whole of yesterday, I was exhausted. By the time I put my head on my pillow and comfy, I was asleep and didn’t wake up until Luna did this morning. So, I thought, I would do a joint post for both days rather than two separate posts.

Luna wore Rudolf to go and meet Santa. The family photo will be uploaded soon.

Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Muggles.❤️ Thank you to my niece who got me it a few years ago 😍. Comes out every December ❤️

On the seventh day of Blogmas, I want to give you Santa Claus! Today, we took Luna to see Santa Claus for the first time. She couldn’t go last year as we got out of the hospital at 6:40PM Christmas Eve and he already left. We made a point of taking her this year, unfortunately she has been under the weather over the last week, so today when she was a lot brighter, we took her and let’s just say, she was different.

Luna loves a cuddle, she hugs everyone except Santa. She refused to let go of me and refused to go to her dad. She just wanted mummy which I was not going to complain about. She did wave to him when she was leaving but being less than a year old, she was more intrigued by the things moving on Santa’s workshop. And I got thinking, when I was growing up, what did Santa mean to me?

I could swear blind that I once saw Santa Claus. I was about 7, possibly? I can’t be 100% sure but I could swear blind, that across the road, I saw Santa on the roof on the houses. Now, I am pretty sure that I was half asleep, still dreaming but it felt real to me. From that point, I can always remember having Christmas spirit inside me. Even when I got told that Santa wasn’t real and how the presents really came in our stockings, but I still believed in Santa.

I believe that Santa isn’t a person, but more the memory. He is the memory that we should always keep giving without expecting something in return. He is the memory of innocence. A time when things were simpler, and we loved more freely. When we are children, we play with everyone. We make friends in seconds of knowing people and don’t tend to judge. Sure, you get the asshole brats that are everywhere, but generally, when you’re a child, you are friends with everyone, you talk to everyone and you don’t discriminate. Yet, we grow into judgemental assholes. That isn’t fair. We forget what it’s like to be children.

I think for young children, its about a big guy in a red jacket but as you get older, he just becomes a dude dressing up. But think back. When you were children, how excited did you get when you saw Santa? How many of you asked your parents why Santa was at your local shopping centre and not in the North Pole getting ready for Christmas? I mean, I for one, loved to go to my local town centre and see Santa. I remember being excited and telling a stranger what I wanted for Christmas and have no fear.

Now? Well I still believe Santa exists but not in the conventual way. He is the Christmas spirit that lives in us. He is the one who grows with us from children and that we pass onto ours. He is someone who brings hope and excitement all around the world and he is more than just the person. It is the spirit that grows in children all around the world on Christmas Eve, his gift to them is belief. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want our children to hold onto the belief of Santa for as long as they can. I think we have no right to take that away from them. I mean I’m 25 and I believe in the spirit of Santa and that is my choice.

I think that children learn on their own that he isn’t the big fat man, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist. He exists in our hearts, the same as our favourite stories are embedded into our hearts. He is our childhood story. I want Luna to believe in Santa for as long as she can and even longer if she’s like me. People believe in all sorts of things and we shouldn’t tell people they are wrong for it. I can still remember the day I learned out that a fat man didn’t deliver my presents and that was well over ten years ago. I remember being hurt, until I realised that he may not have delivered my presents, but they were delivered in his name, but the person who did, made sure that we believed it was. They went through time and effort to keep up his façade in the name of Christmas, and that was how I came to believe in the spirit of Christmas properly. The spirit that gets people excited to wrap presents, to give gifts and see their excitement. To give without worrying about receiving although, it is always a bonus.

What do you think of Santa? What does he mean to you? Tell me on Twitter @RariAyliffe, Facebook @Openupwithmeblog and Instagram @Openupwithme. Until tomorrow, Merry Christmas.🎄❄️⛄️❤️

Categories
Blogmas!❤️

On the fifth day of Blogmas…

On the fifth day of Blogmas, I gave you a post at a ‘reasonable’ time. (I started at half 7, I’m feeling optimistic.) Go me! Luna is all tucked up in bed, Christmas songs coming through my headphones and my laptop with my plan for tonight set out and I just can’t find the inspiration to write it. Well, I decided that I would just let my fingers do the typing and my heart do the thinking.

Today, I was talking to one of my friends that I used to see weekly at the pub for karaoke and I was in a good mood. He said that it was like looking at a twin because he forgot what it looked like to see me smiling and it looked healthy. It’s true, I was. This is the one time of year that I forget just how hideous I find my smile and lose myself in the magic. Its amazing how something so simple as wrapping presents can bring someone so much joy.

It may sound silly to you, but I consider wrapping presents to be an art form. I think there are so many ways to wrap presents because not every present comes in a box and presents come in every size. Some are big, and some are small. Some cost a month’s wages and others cost an hour’s wage. It’s incredible. But the joy comes knowing that come Christmas day, I get to share in their excitement. I get to see how happy they get over something that to others may seem trivial. So why is it that we can sit there and accept that people want different presents, but we judge them on the biggest gift of all and that’s the life they choose to live.

I mean I can remember one year, my brother had asked for a film that I couldn’t stand, and thought was absolute rubbish, yet its one of his favourites. Now, I for one am not going to tell him he’s wrong for liking that film because we all have different tastes. I didn’t turn my nose up when he opened it because I know that he loves it and that would have undermined his present. This year, I have five things all from WWE, and I don’t care because I will wear my new clothes with pride. Yet, I have had so many people judge me because I will happily watch two men act a wrestling script and buy into it. I have people judge me for being a mark, but I couldn’t care because I enjoy it. So why is it, we can accept peoples presents, even when we don’t like them, but we can’t accept life choices?

I think that there are many sides to a person, the same way there is many sides to a wrapped present. You can only see what’s on the outside not what’s inside until you take off the layer and see it with your own eyes. People are like that. Some people, me included, can be this confident, strong, determined person but on the inside screaming out for help. On the inside, I am crying, and I can’t stop. I pick every tiny detail of everything I do apart and over analyse everything. I doubt everything I do, and I live in fear that everything is going to go wrong like it has so many times before. I’m not what you see on the outside. I have many layers of me that some don’t ever get to know, and others are lucky enough to experience. I mean don’t get me wrong, I can and have been a horrible person. I am only human, and I made mistakes. But that doesn’t define me. The same as the clothes I wear, don’t define my wealth, and the jobs we do don’t define our place in this world. It just meant that I picked the wrong choice and that’s okay if I learnt from what I did.

Way too many people will judge you. Way too many people in this world will try to undermine and devalue you. Don’t let them. You are better at being you than anyone and you should know that. I for one, know what I am, I know who I am, and as much as I doubt that I’m doing the right thing, I’m trusting my heart to lead me to where I want to go and my head to guide me on the right track getting there. There are times I fail, and I get back up and try again.

Even though I’m scared of failure, even though I’m scared of rejection, I will always try again because even on the days I don’t have confidence in myself, people around me do and they are the ones I should focus on. They are the ones that don’t judge the people we are or the people we want to be. Despite the negatives that are all around you, listen and follow the positives.

You readers are my gift. In August 2017, I started this blog as an outlet and posted one thing. It took a whole year to post another and even though I let you guys down sometimes, you still come back and read. It really touches me. I have been having dark days, and one of you will message me saying how you loved my blog and you can’t wait to read more that I believe that my voice matters. Because even though I write on here, I don’t think anyone’s going to read it. Every time that figure goes up and someone, somewhere is reading what I wrote, I sit in awe. It amazes me that a post I’ve written has reached the other side of this planet. And I want you to know that I truly thank you for all your support. Because on the days that I don’t trust what I’m writing, like today, you guys give me the inspiration for a post.

Appreciate those around you, because during your hardest days and longest nights, they love you regardless. They will stand by you if you stay true to who you are. Appreciate that even though today was hard and some of you may felt like breaking down, it’s over another day that you kicked ass and lived. Just make sure those days mattered.

Her 1st Stocking 😍❤️

Twitter @RariAyliffe Facebook ‘OpenUpWithMe’, Instagram @openupwithme.

And until tomorrow. Thank you for reading my post. Merry Blogmas Readers🎄❄️⛄️❤