Positive Thought #4

I didn’t miss #3, it’s on Instagram @openupwithme and on Facebook @openupwithmeblog.

Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it. – Bear Grylls

Today could be a bad day. I’m tucked up in bed shivering with a headache and pains all down my side from coughing so much. I feel so drained and defeated. But I refuse to let that keep me down. I mean normally I’d hate the fact that I’m cooped up in bed whilst the day passes me by, but I know my Addisons and if I don’t take this time for myself, I’ll end up even worse.

Even though I hate the idea of being tucked up under a cover, I’m gonna make the most of my bed rest and read another one of the books I got for Christmas. I’m going to get lost in the pages and focus on something else. I get to forget all about what’s going on in my life and lose myself in the characters in whatever story takes my fancy.

But before I started to lose myself in my book whilst Luna went for her nap, I faced two things. Despite how rough I felt, I still managed to get the courage to face some fears of mine.

1. The dentist. I know so many people that are afraid of the dentist and all of them are much braver than I am. When I was younger, I would go to dentist and have no worries and no fear. I would sit in that chair and knew that my teeth were perfect. That was until I was about 8 or 9. I had to have my first filling and the dentist was an asshole. My mum was an asshole. That day, I had a nurse and my mum physically restraining me whilst this dentist waved around a needle to numb my gums. I was fine with having a filling but the second I saw the needle I freaked! I was panicking and hyperventilating to the point I couldn’t have it done. My mum called me so many names, told me I was a baby and needed to stop being pathetic. And every time I got in the chair after that, people were on call so I could be retrained whilst the dentist checked my teeth. When I developed my eating disorder, my teeth got terrible. The stomach acid I was bringing up, was rotting my teeth and I refused to go to the dentist. I couldn’t quite manage it. I was 21 before I managed to get the courage to have my teeth fixed. I was going once a month to be sedated and having them fixed slowly but it was great. It took me a few visits to get in the chair but the lady at Guys Hospital was incredible! She wouldn’t force me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with, she spoke to me, she let me listen to my music and would always make sure I had a sugary drink next to me in case my blood pressure dropped. See, Addisons can cause complications, and when having any sort of stress, we are made to double our tablets to ensure that our body can cope. Throw in a phobia of needles and dentists and I turn into a wreck. But, being at guys, there is an endocrinologist in the same building and only once have they needed to get him to make sure I was okay. Today however, I’ve managed to sort out my referral and will again being having my teeth fixed by Guys Hospital.

The second being getting the courage to book a cervical cancer smear. After I had given birth to Luna, I had to be examined because of the c-section and the pains that were appearing, and found out there was a legion on my cervix. I went to that appointment alone and scared. I dreaded going and got myself into a right mess. Thankfully, it was just due to the pregnancy rather than anything more sinister. But after having it happen to my mum and her having the lump removed by a laser, I’ve been paranoid ever since. I’ve made the appointment twice before and chickened out both times. So today, I made the appointment and come next week, I will be making sure that I’m okay.

So sure, I’m actually quite sick. I’ve spent most of the day either asleep or with the blanket over my head because it was pounding that much. The pain is so intense that it’s taken me all day to write this post. But I did it! I managed to keep the sickness and pain at bay long enough to press send. But that’s not what I’m proud of. Today, I’m proud that even though I may have my fears, I will not live my life hiding from them anymore. ❤️


Who do you relate to?

I’m gonna do something a little different this time. Time to spice it up a little, and what better time than a new season, right?

I want to try and not only be more consistent but also to try and engage my readers a lot more. So first, I am going to start with an easy one. What character (it can be any from the world of literature or within the art of film) do you relate to the most? Why? What about that character resembles you?

For me, it’s Tinker Bell. I have always loved Peter Pan. J.M. Barrie, was a great author and if you ever get a chance, I would recommend reading the whole collection. They are incredible pieces of literature and I think you’d be surprised to know that Wendy was never the first girl to meet Peter Pan. But hey, that’s spoilers. If you want to find out more, read the books. I happen to get the full collection on the books app and thankfully they are with me whenever I want to read them. Also, if you didn’t know, all profit from the stories of Peter Pan go to Great Ormond Street Hospital in London for sick children, with specific disclosure to never release how much they get in royalties.

So as I believe not many of you would have read the full collection of books about Peter Pan and Kensington Gardens , I’ll stick to the more mainstream concepts of little Tinker Bell.

“You see, Wendy, when the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies” – Peter to Wendy in J.M Barrie’s Peter Pan

Tinker Bell is a fairy from pixie hollow. Born via a child’s first laugh. Don’t be charmed by her cute demeanour, she is sassy, feisty, stubborn and forms a dislike for other females. (Okay, so I may not have been concieved via a child’s first laugh but the rest of it seems pretty fitting so far.)

So I thought I’d include a story. It sounds so stupid when I remember it but unfortunately it’s true. When I was 20 years old, I found out my dad was going to have another baby girl and I’m not gonna lie, I was annoyed and angry. I let my anger towards not being my dads only girl get the better of me and I began to resent my baby sister (this was before she was born). Don’t get me wrong, I know it was incredibly childish and immature but I had been my dads only daughter for 20 years, it was hard to give up that title. But, the day I set eyes on my sister for the first time, I fell in love with her, I told her this story and told her that I had changed my views. She was the most important girl and I’d spend my life showing her how special she will always be to me.

The first time I got to hold that little beauty.

Tinker Bell has a habit to fix things. And I do that a lot in my life. I’m always trying to be there for everyone and fix their bad moods, I try fixing broken connections as well as fixing relationships. Granted, I probably broke them in the first place.

She also needs attention or she dies. If you’ve seen the film or the play, you’d know that there gets to a certain part and Tink starts to die. Somebody stopped believing in her and her light began to fade. Yet it took one persons encouragement to bring “faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust” back to everyone’s hearts and she survives.

How true is that about life today? When you think about people you’ve brought down recently, people you’ve stopped believing in? Did you think about how you’ve dimmed their light? Did you think about how it would make them feel? Did questioning who they are change you?

Just because you can’t see something. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or it doesn’t happen. It just means that your eyes aren’t opened wide enough.

I can relate to Tink a lot, because I know there is magic within everything that we do, that no matter my size, I can make a difference. That even though one emotion can consume me, I can always use it in a positive way. We are both very strong female women and both fiery and hot headed. She is magical and not only my favourite Disney character, but probably my favourite character of all time.

If you’re ever in London, make sure to check out Kensington Gardens. Not only are they beautiful but there is also a statue dedicated to Peter Pan, the boy who would never grow up.

So who are you in the world of fiction? Let me know on Twitter @RariAyliffe or comment below. Until the next time you’re here, keep magical. ❤️