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Health❤️

I ate a full meal!

You’re probably thinking, we do that everyday, why is it so special? But for me, to eat a full dinner is something that rarely happens, I thought I best celebrate it.

It may look repulsive to you, but my goodness, it was delicious.

I don’t normally post pictures of my food but this meal was truly delicious. The chicken was fried in BBQ seasoning mixed in with peppers and onions, boiled potatoes and green beans fried in butter. It was on a big plate and I’m not going to lie, I was a little overwhelmed by the amount of food, but I ate it! I even ate chocolate afterwards, but that’s because white chocolate is life. I ate enough of the big bar that I went out and brought a few more as it was originally Luna’s chocolate and I felt a little guilty.

I said that I would be keeping a food journal and for the last few days I have been. I’ve noticed that although breakfast is the most important meal of the day, I can only eat something light. At the moment, it’s a glass of orange juice and hot cross buns but I am also partial to a teacake. I guess something little is better than nothing at all. Right?  Today I had a chicken salad for lunch and again I ate it but it was on a little plate so I didn’t really question it. I will not eat toast or sandwiches for lunch so I have had a lot of salad, its not as filling as easier on my stomach. For tonight, we have the last bit of chicken, so it will probably be made with pasta and salad. Lets hope that I can actually finish tonight’s meal. 

I am encouraging myself to eat and some days its easier than others. I mean it helps that Kieran is an amazing cook and doesn’t mind trying out weird recipes that I concoct in my head. After all, some of our favourite meals have come about that way. I have noticed that I tend to avoid doing the same thing in a row and I prefer to eat it fresh than things that are frozen and I cannot let myself get too hungry or I become a horrible person. I have noticed that I starve myself the most when I feel like my emotions are out of control, so its a mixture of control and twisted self body image. It helps that I have such a great support network, my best friends celebrate every meal I managed to eat and keep down because to me, it’s a big thing. I am lucky like that.

I know that it’s not about to just disappear and I probably watch what I eat more than I let on, but I am getting better. I am finishing meals and I’m not wanting to be sick. I know that every day is a battle, to know that I estimate how many spoonful’s my dinner will take, which is unhealthy. I know that when I literally have to force myself to swallow my food, I am full and keeping a little down is better than bringing a lot back up. I know that I put my body through a lot, but finally I am starting to enjoy food enough to actually want to cook it. I am letting go of the control of how much I eat by knowing exactly what I’m eating. 

Tomorrow, I have the dentist! Yes, let me tell you I am dreading it! I am going to be having some work done which means I will be sedated, thank goodness!! It does mean that Kieran has to navigate the tubes with a very high person, (if I wasn’t out of it, id laugh, so you should be) but it means I wont be posting about it until maybe Tuesday? Depends how my body recovers from it, let’s hope the addisons stays in check or I wont be checking out of hotel de NHS. Hope you all have a great day and I will be back soon. Ferrari.❤️

Categories
Health❤️

Eating disorders…

The other day I posted about a few complications that come with having an eating disorder. I spoke about how the cycle is continuous and hard to break. How I feel sick when I don’t eat and then sick when I do. I’ve since eaten and felt worse.

On Sunday, I ate more in a day than I have done for a while. I started off with a quarter of a waffle, (proper pushed the boat out with breakfast), it wasn’t a small waffle, but one that took up the entire big plate. It made me feel overwhelmed and stuffed just from looking at it. However, despite the fact that I don’t eat breakfast, I still managed to eat something because I knew I was travelling today. I tried not too overeat as that would make me feel sick so I stopped when I felt full not that it took that much. Lunchtime I had managed to eat a whole double cheese burger from McDonald’s, something I had failed to do the day before (I only managed half) and a handful of chips. For dinner, I ate most of a roast dinner. However that’s when my body had decided I had eaten too much and I was sick. I felt totally guilty because it was a lovely meal cooked by Katie who is Kieran’s step mum. Within minutes of finishing the meal or at least as much as I could, I was running upstairs to puke and was sick two or three times.

Now, I don’t know how many others with eating disorders do this, but I have found that my body gets overwhelmed by a big plate. My brain tells me that there’s too much food on the plate and I feel like a pig, even if it’s a small portion on a big plate. I also cannot stand knowing or seeing my weight. My brain could read that I weigh less than 8 stone and I’d still think I was overweight. It stems from people calling me fat even though I’ve never been bigger than a size ten (unless I was pregnant. But that doesn’t actually count). They made me feel like I had to watch what I ate and watched the weight I put on. That’s not acceptable.

I also have a huge problem with stepping on scales. I refused to have scales in our home because it scares me. I’m scared that I’m going to step on the scales and it will read out fatty, (not likely to happen but still, my brain likes to overwork) or they would break. I hate knowing how much I weigh because I’m scared that I’d starve myself or overeat to the point of sickness. Now, the sickness isn’t intentional however at one point, it was. My body got so used to throwing up after eating that it would be an almost instant reaction, sort of like today. However, I stepped on a set of scales regardless. I weighed myself without being asked and without even thinking. I guess you could say curiosity got the better of me. And I hated seeing that it was less than 8 stone. Because even though I think that anything over 8 and a half stone is too big and under 8 is unhealthy, I can’t help but feel like it’s a battle I’m losing. Yet, today, I weighed just over 7 stone and that’s not good.

So I’m gonna start a food journal. I’m going to try and encourage my body to eat little and often. And once a month, I’m gonna review my weight and what I’ve eaten. Hopefully, I’ll be able to put some weight on before I start to turn it into muscle. Because this year, I want to be healthy.

Thank you for reading. And I hope you all have a great day. Ferrari ❤️