Categories
Mental health

What happens next?

In my last blog post, I wrote how I was walking away from blogging. Believe me, I had every intention to walk away. I closed down both my Instagram and twitter pages dedicated to my blog because I couldn’t do it anymore. However, I’ve had a few people reach out and ask me to continue.

Thank you! Your words mean a lot to me and I have listened. So, those people got in touch and told me that my blog helped them on days where they felt they couldn’t get out of bed and my blog posts just helped them feel less isolated. When I first started writing, it was a place where I could express how I felt and things that were happening to me. I wrote because I loved it and because I wanted to help others that may have similar feelings to me. I have a habit of shutting people out because I feel like a burden, I have a habit of believing that I’m alone with no support and I know that it’s not true but there are times where I believe it.

It’s so hard to walk away from doing what I love, it’s even harder when I’ve had people getting in touch saying how impacted they were. I am so touched by the amount of support I’ve had, that I realised I wasn’t ready to give up. However, I won’t be blogging as much as I tried. Maybe one day I’ll go back to attempting a blog a day but right now, there is simply too much going on in and out of my head, that I don’t want to commit and running myself into the ground.

That being said, I would like to talk about some things that have been going on in my life recently and explaining where my head is at. Please bare in mind, that a lot of this, is still very much affecting me. And I won’t try and pretend to have all the answers. Because I don’t. I do however want to write and help people that are going through something similar.

Recently, I went through a really heartbreaking and emotionally draining thing. I might write about it at a later date, but right now it’s still very raw. But the truth is, I went through a miscarriage, alone because my boyfriend couldn’t be with me. It was horrible and if I’m honest, although there are many reasons why having a baby right now, isn’t the right move. But it still hurts.

I am so happy for my friends and family that are pregnant and celebrating their milestones for their children. Whether it be announcing their pregnancies, gender reveals or announcing their births. I am so beyond happy for them and want them to embrace every tiny detail to do with their pregnancies and births. Don’t hold back because you think it will be too upsetting for me. I don’t want you to do that. But there are days where I feel guilty for getting upset. I’m not upset because they’re celebrating them but because right now, it’s too raw right now.

If I’m completely honest, right now, I’m a wreck. My mind hurts day after day. My heart aches. My stomach is in knots and I spend most of my evenings upset and crying so much that my eyes are too puffy to do much else. I feel like I’m a failure. In just about everything that I do, I fail. I feel like there are no words to describe how I’m feeling.

It doesn’t help that I’ve found yet another bald patch. Nothing helps when that happens. I know my body is under too much stress and I just wish I knew how to make it stop. But even I can’t do that. I just can’t seem to stop everything getting to me.

I may not write as much as I did. But I will try and write as much as I can. Whether it’s a release of my emotions, or to address issues. Nobody said life would be easy, and some days it feels like it’s impossible to get out of bed. On those days, just remember that even getting out of bed, is an achievement! Stop being so hard on yourself. Everyone has bad days, we just can’t let those bad days control our lives.

Until the next time, where ever you are in the world, make sure your smile is shining brightly. 💕

Categories
Mental health

Letting my inner saboteur win…

Living with BPD is tough, but not understanding it or your own brain is even harder. This month is all about Borderline Personality Disorder, and it’s one that I’ve been living with for some time. Or so the doctors tell me. I wish more than anything I could fix myself by waving a wand or writing a post, unfortunately it’s not that easy.

Imagine having a million and one thoughts going through your head. Some of them right and with meaning and context, others not. Imagine not knowing which are true and which are just a concoction that your brain has made up out of thin air. Imagine that all of these thoughts were competing to occupy your sole thought process. Not all of them can fit in there and the ones that make it through sometimes aren’t the right ones.

Every day is a constant battle. A battle between good and evil, a battle between black and white, because to those that suffer with this illness, there is no in between. You don’t have okay days. You have either really good or really bad ones and simple things can change the whole day. It could be a really bad day until something small happens and changes it completely or a really good day and something tiny can flip it on its arse. Then magnify that a thousand times. Because living with BPD is intense. Our good and our bad days are intense. The good days are magical and overwhelming. The bad are unbearable and soul destroying.

A simple thought can turn into a train wreck of emotions. I mean for example there are so many thoughts going through my head right now that I can’t make sense of. I can’t find ways to fix this. I am sitting here in a pitch black room wondering why I let my brain do the things I have done? How could I lose so much control when everyone else can seem like they have it together?

Tonight, before writing this, I relapsed. I hadn’t cut myself in months and yet here I am with fresh scratches over my wrist. Should I be proud that I went for the blunter object as opposed to the sharper one sat right next to it? No. Because I still took to causing myself pain, like my brain hasn’t caused me enough already. I sat in tears with no one around and I hurt myself because I couldn’t cope with the way my brain was going. I couldn’t shut it down and turn it off. I couldn’t change the station. I was just stuck with the voices inside my head.

I wish I could explain how and why I do the things that I do. I mean some of them are symptoms of BPD but does that excuse my behaviour? No. And it shouldn’t. Because I am more than a mental illness. Can I stop doing these things? Probably, but I don’t know how. All day, I’ve been stuck inside my head. I’ve been sat thinking about everything and anything.

Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

as found on https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

They are the nine symptoms of BPD and I’m going to look at every one of them because within the last few months, I am displaying them more and more. Maybe that will help explain things a little better.

Fear of abandonment – I am so scared of being alone and left alone that I push everyone away from me. It doesn’t matter how much I love and care for them. I will always push them away before they get too close. I try to keep them close and yet I can’t because the fear that they are going to leave makes sure I get there first. I feel like I’m too much.

Unstable relationships – I have had relationships where I am honestly and completely infatuated with this person. However my brain will always manage to find a way to change that. Sometimes it works, and when it does, it breaks me to the point I give in and give up. I can’t stop how I feel or how much it hurts. I can’t look at the positives when my brain is so consumed with the negatives and it always wins, even when I don’t want it too.

Unclear or shifting self-image – Some days, I can see the confident, strong girl I once was, and others, I’m a shell of that person. Some days I can believe I’m a good person, others I feel like I’m the worst person and don’t deserve the love that I get. Most of the time, I don’t know who I am, but I know that one day, I will do.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours – When I’m going through a tough time, I have been known to turn to things like drink, alcohol and attention from guys. That’s not a secret. It’s not because I don’t care or because I want to be an arse. It’s because I need to find a way to feel better, even if it’s short lived because the bad literally consumes me. The negativity will swallow me whole, so I look for an easy out. It’s not right and it’s not fair on the ones around me.

Self-harm – I spoke about this earlier on in this post. Should I be proud that I chose the flimsy option over the one that would leave scars? No. Because I shouldn’t have done it at all. But I needed too. I needed the pain in my head to be real. I needed to feel something real because I know my brain isn’t half the time. I needed to know that I could feel at a time I felt numb.

Extreme emotional swings/explosive anger – this illness isn’t otherwise known as emotionally unstable personality disorder for nothing. This is a real consequence of living with this. I can’t control my emotions. I have such high highs that the second I come crashing down, its a nightmare. That I can flip from the happiest in the world to complete devastation over something so trivial and meaningless. The second I get triggered, this horrible person that I try so desperately to keep back comes out. I can’t stop them, I just watch as the anger is released knowing that I lost control. And when they pass, I feel so guilty that I bury them because if I didn’t I’d do something I regret like hurt myself or turn to alcohol.

Chronic feelings of emptiness – do you know what it’s like to be around the person you love and feel dead inside? That all the attention in the world, just cant fill it. To look at someone you love with every fibre of your being, knowing that you love them but feeling so empty you can’t show it? I have sat next to people that try their hardest for me and just end up feeling guilty because I can’t open up to them because I feel numb and worthless. I can’t fill a void that is there because I don’t know why I feel that way in the first place.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality – This happens on a regular basis and I don’t know how to stop it. Every day is a battle between figuring out what is real and meaningful and what my brain is trying to convince me is the truth. It’s a trap that I can’t get out of.

Living with BPD is soul destroying. It controls every moment of every day. It’s the really high highs that make me feel invincible and the really low lows that make me believe I am worthless. It’s the moments like having a great day with Luna and coming back to a room filled with memories and torment and letting those thoughts consume the good. It’s about waking up in the morning and knowing if today will be a good or bad day before it’s even started.

There are days where I feel like a burden. Where I feel like I am the reason the ones I love are hurting and being destroyed. There are days where this mental illness leaves me more alone and isolated than I ever wanted. But it’s also a big part of who I am right now. And until I spend five years in therapy talking to some shrink, I know I will continue to lose to the triggers and the thoughts.

So for those that are around right now, for those that love me and want to be there for me, please don’t give up on me when I’m having my bad days. Please don’t let me sink into my own head and try to help me keep control. To the ones that I love, family, friends and you, please know that every day I am trying my hardest to be in control, some days I win and others I lose, but I’m still me and I am thankful for you all each and every day.

If you want to get in touch with me about BPD, then find me on facebook, twitter or Instagram. I hope that each person that has this mental illness finds a way to have control. I always will be here to listen because I can understand more than you’d believe. I hope wherever you are in the world, you are happy and healthy and until you hear from me again, keep smiling, the world needs to see it.

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Give Thanks!

100 Blog Posts!

Today marks my 100th blog post for OpenUpWithMe and I thought I’d use this post to celebrate.

I’ve come a long way since I started writing back in semi consistently back in 2018. I have covered a range of topics from mental health, being a first time mum as well as my own personal battles and accomplishments. I had the absolute privilege to interview one of my favourite upcoming singer/songwriters as well as creating fun lists that just distract my mind a little. I’ve covered many issues that are prominent in a life filled with BPD and still manage to take time to process it all.

In the last few years, I’ve come a long way emotionally and mentally but still have far to go. I’ve taken small steps and overcome things I thought I wouldn’t. And I’ve lost people I thought I would have had in my life forever.

I gained and lost one of my best friends. And even though that hurt and cut deep, I wont continue to be upset about it. Because even though they are no longer in my life, I am more thankful for them than many others I have lost over the two years. Without them, this blog wouldn’t be what it is today because I wouldn’t have been holding on for the possibility of a brighter future. I owe them so much, and there will always be a space for them in my life because I owe them it. They talked me down from suicide, spent hours on the phone to me, trying to distract me from the negatives and spent hours texting me so that I never felt alone. So thank you!

I’ve had some of highest highs and the lowest lows and it was always my best friends that picked me up and helped me see sense. I am truly lucky to have so many people looking out for me. I am lucky to have so many people to turn to in my lowest times, even if I don’t when I know deep down I should.

In almost two years, I have had some amazing feedback, and created bonds that go beyond just writing. I have been fortunate enough to inspire so many others to write their own journeys, to piece together their own feelings and to put pen to paper and write what they know. I have had countless people write to me, expressing how I’ve helped them and that they are thankful I’m writing because I have found the words to say when they couldn’t. I now have over 115 followers, over 3900 views and more than 2000 visitors. My words have been viewed in countries around the world by people I have never met. My blog wont ever be the biggest or most popular but I have helped more people than I thought I would and that has been my greatest reward. The stats don’t matter unless my words mean something to someone.

When I first started this blog, it was to process my thoughts and feelings and now its turned into something more. I have been planning blog posts, thinking of ideas and trying to make my blog something more. I love writing, its one of the best ways I found of expressing the things that I have trouble saying. Last year, I saved up to pay for my own website and to try and make it even bigger, however I feel like a part of me done it prematurely. And as of August this year, this sites domain will change back to the original one.

Thank you to every single reader. To every person that has been in touch and to every person that has followed me and pushed me to write more, thank you. Thank you to every single person that has sat up with me and been there when I’ve had trouble writing. Thank you to the few people that I love more because they have pushed me and each every day.

As this blog piece comes to an end, my blog however will continue. I will continue to write pieces and find ways to keep pushing on with all this craziness. If anyone wants to get in touch, you can find me on twitter, facebook and Instagram. I’ll answer any time of day because every single person in this world matters. I hope where ever you are in the world, you’re happy and healthy. So until the next time, I hope that no matter what, you never lose your smile.

Categories
Mental health

Isolated and confused…

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote here, and I’m sorry now for being such a ghost. At first I had an infection which was causing me some complications with my kidneys and then I just hit a really low time that I couldn’t quite face if I’m honest. But I figured maybe writing would be able to help, if nothing else, it might remind me why I love to write.

I’m tired. I’m close to giving up. I’m trying and some days it feels like no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. I don’t always get things right, in fact, it feels like most of the time I get everything wrong, but I’m honestly trying my hardest. Even on my darkest days, I am trying to be a better person. Whether it’s being a better mother, a better friend or a better partner, I’m constantly trying to do the right thing by everyone and in the process, I feel like I’m losing touch with who I am and what I want.

My head is confused. My heart aches. My dreams seem like a waste and my life feels like a mess. I feel like I’m looking through one of those toys you had as a child, the one with all the shapes and colours, that changed when you twist it, although mine is changing with every look. Nothing makes sense. The colours and shapes don’t line up. The thoughts are dark and gloomy most of the time.

I sit and wonder how many people I’ve broken through my actions, how many people have been hurt by me trying to do the right thing. I wonder why my head is fighting me every day when I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. Now I wonder if I even know what the right thing is. Everyone is supposed to learn right from wrong when their younger, yet I feel like my entire life is a lie and that I don’t really know what’s right.

Why doesn’t life come with an instruction manual? Why doesn’t my mind come with an easy to process guide? Why can’t I just open up and tell the people I love what is bothering me? I want to. I want to be able to understand my brain enough to relay my thoughts but I can’t. I’m too scared of being too much, I’m scared of not being understood, and I’m scared of saying the wrong thing.

I thought when I got my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, that things would start to become easier and they will make sense. Don’t get me wrong, so many things make sense now compared to where I was when I started this blog, but then, so much more is confusing me. There’s so much more I want to say, I need to say but fear controls it all. I wish I could explain it, but I honestly can’t and I’m starting to hate myself for it.

I feel like I have lost so much, and that hurts more every day because I have to live with the choices I made and the pain that I caused to those that I loved. I have my reasons for doing the things that I’ve done, but I’ve hurt my friends, my family and I’m feeling like if I love them, then the only thing I know I’ll do is hurt them.

Feelings are confusing but nowhere near how my thoughts are. There are days where I just want my brain to make sense and then others where I don’t even remember what’s wrong. I thought I was beginning to find myself, but then if I was, my brain wouldn’t be this confused. I thought I knew who I was, but I don’t.

At this moment, all I am, is confused. I just want everything to make sense. I want my brain to make sense. I want to know what direction i’m heading. Because right now, I just feel like I am stuck in a cold and lonely place with the highest walls up around me and no way to break out. Every time I think I have found a door to escape the walls, its just another room built the same way. The worst part is, I know that people just want me to be fixed because when they see upset or hurting, they can’t fix it. But unfortunately there is no magic cure for being emotionally unstable and fucked in the head.

If your loved ones are suffering, just hug them tighter. Sometimes they cant reach out the way they want too. They can’t figure things out themselves, so trying to explain it is harder than normal. Don’t take your loved ones for granted, because they may need more than they’re letting on. Normally I write about how you can find me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, but the truth is, if you’re reaching out to talk about me, I probably wont answer. However, I am always here for you. Even if its just a distraction. I could use one of those myself right now.

I hope where ever you are in the world, you are keeping your smile! Don’t let this world take it from you.

Categories
Open Letters!

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!

 

Categories
Mumma Life!

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

Categories
Health❤️

A smile is the best accessory you can wear…

Yesterday, it’s no secret that I went back to the dentist like I have been every few weeks for the past few months. Only the last few visits have been preparing me for the work that I had done. They had been doing the fillings, here and there so that when they put me under, the could rip out 12 teeth and they wouldn’t have to put me through it twice. I made my way, for one of the final times to Guys Hospital and got my teeth removed. They inserted a partial denture and I don’t think I have stopped smiling since!

I am a happy person and for years, I smiled without a care in the world. However, due to a life threatening condition, an eating disorder and pregnancy, really did a number on my teeth and I got the point where I hid my smile. I knew people were judging me for how bad they were and they were my front teeth. There was no way to hide it. I would smile as long as my mouth was closed. I talked with my hand in front of my mouth a lot so I could feel like no one was seeing it. Only they were.

For years, I have battled with my self confidence! For years, I struggled with wanting to go out and talk to people. I struggled because it didn’t matter how much I brushed them or flossed them because the acid in my stomach was worse. I’ve had countless people ask me what was wrong with them, why they cracked and crumbled and why they were missing. Yet every question, pushed me further into a depression because I used to love my smile. My eyes and my smile were the only two things I actually loved about myself. It was something that made me who I was!

It took me years to get back into a dentist’s chair. It took me endless chats with some of the greatest friends I’ve got. I was so scared and paranoid that they were just going to rip them out, that I put off going even more. I was scared for every needle, for every procedure but I did it. I went back again and again with one of my best friends and my niece, as they held my hands and told me it was all going to be okay. Every single person I confided in, was amazing! My friends spoke to me every time I was anxious about going, the nurses and dentists at Guys were all brilliant.

Today, I have not stopped smiling. I may have a mouth full of hole and stitches but I have something much more than pain! I’m on three different pain killers, and my mouth didn’t stop bleeding until last night. But I have teeth, and yes, most of the top set is fake and I couldn’t care because I have my smile back! My smile and my confidence is slowly working its way back. I may have been scared. I may have cried and I may have walked out a hundred times, but I still went back and I’m so glad that I did. Because my fear, may not be completely gone but I am working on it.

I am so thankful for every single person that has been a part of my journey to getting my smile back. Thank you to my niece and Liam for coming with me, time after time, thank you to the staff that gave me my smile. And thank you to my close friends who were there.

I still have to go back for my reviews and hopefully it’s all good news but I’m still scared. Even though I’m not having work done, I still have to go and sit in that chair. But hopefully, I’ll be in a better place. Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️