Categories
Who am I?

Where I want to be…

Last year, I went through some pretty hard moments. I was living somewhere that was affecting my mental health daily, it was overcrowded and full of animosity. This year, I have my own flat with my little princess and I’m working hard to make sure it’s a loving home for her.

Since we moved into the flat, I’ve seen her come on leaps and bounds. She exceeds all my expectations and proves just how smart she really is. I mean, it’s not like I really have much to compare it too but still. Before we moved here, she didn’t really have to do much, she was a few months away from being two and we were still doing pretty much everything for her. Now, she knows where the bin is, she puts her toys away and helps me tidy up, she’s learning to count but her favourite activity is finding her figures when I’ve asked her for a specific one. She will wake up in the morning and play in her room until half 7 when we go in the living room and watch Sing before she has her breakfast. The best thing we ever did was move out of the house.

I have come a long way too. Okay, so I still have a problem with self-harm when my emotions get too much, but I am learning to talk about them more. I feel more confident in myself most days and don’t always feel down in the dumps. I have come a long way from the person I was last year, but I am still so far from where I want to be. I want to be kicking my mental health’s ass, I want to be eating like a normal person and not worried so much about my weight gain. This year, I want to live for the moment and stay away from the past. It has controlled so much of my life already; I want to move on from it. This year, I want to stop the self-harm that controls me. I want to be able to look my daughter in the face and feel like the strong woman she needs.

I come from a broken home, and I didn’t want that for my daughter. I wanted her to not have to worry about having two homes, having to split her time between two parents, with two parents fighting for her love. I wanted her to be able to have her parents together but that didn’t happen. But I also didn’t want a Christmas baby yet that’s exactly how my life panned out. And I wouldn’t change it for the life of me. I however will make sure that she has two parents that love her and continue to put her first. Yes, she has two homes, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, if she is as loved at one as she is the other. That’s the main thing.

The girl that started last year no longer exists. She was unhappy with nearly every aspect of her life. She had friends but that didn’t help overcome the mental exhaustion she was facing daily. I had people in my life that had slagged my daughter off behind my back but was nice as pie to my face. I had people pretending to care, and those people were some of my close friends. Last year consisted of way too many lies that I believed but also some very high moments.

I finally got on stage and tried stand-up, which I want to do again this year. I managed to work up the courage to leave an unhappy relationship and build a new life for myself. I got closer to some awesome people and those affected my life in ways that I could never repay. I have so much more to be thankful for, but this year is going to be different. I’m not going to settle for less than I deserve. I’m going to find happiness within myself and the life I already live. I’m going to embrace more possibilities and not live my life in fear. I want to live for the moment and build myself up to the girl I used too be. She lives in me somewhere; I just want to find her again.

I thought by now I’d be in my forever job, instead I’m signed off because I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like I have no future, but the truth is, I do. I am trying my hardest to be the mum my little lady deserves and if I always continue to put her first then I’m doing the right thing. She is and will always be my forever job. Who knows, maybe in the future, someone will come and join our little family but for now it’s just me and my little princess and that’s enough for me.

What about you? Where do you see yourself going over this year? How far have you come? Are you on track to where you want to be in your life? Nobody said you had to have your life in order, but sometimes reflection is a good thing. It makes you evaluate your life and change your course of action if need be. I hope that you are all happy and content with the path that your life is taking, if not, just simply change direction. Thank you for taking the time to read my latest post and remember you can always get in touch via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or email. Have a good day and keep smiling.

Categories
Open Letters!

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!

 

Categories
Mumma Life!

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

Categories
Mental health

It’s not easy…

If you had asked me a few months ago if I wanted to continue blogging, the answer would have been no. I was ready to just give up on it and walk away. I was prepared to delete my and just not think about it again. As you can see, I didn’t do that, what I did was the opposite. I took some time away from focusing on stats and marketing it, I took time from writing -the break from writing was an accident. I had writers block and didn’t know what I wanted to write – I have over 40 drafts because I started and stopped so many different pieces. I was being a lot harder on myself than I should have been and because of it my writing suffered massively.

I’ve been in a dark place for a while, that’s no secret. This year has tested me in ways I didn’t expect and challenged me at every corner. But the light is coming in slowly. The colours are brightening up and I am slowly realising the person I want to be by knowing what I don’t want. I am starting to recognise myself in the mirror. Sure, it’s still distorted but slowly, I will be confident and strong again. I found my smile through the help of Guys Hospital and even with the complications, I haven’t stopped. What better way to build your confidence, than with a new smile?

I realised that I am an awesome person if I toot my own horn. And for me to say that about myself is rare! Everyone thinks I’m super confident and have the world by the horns. The truth is, I have been worn down, and for a long time I was a shell of the person I wanted. Since I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I’ve been learning more about myself and that had led me to be the person I want to be. I am learning control and sometimes it’s hard, but I know my relationships with people are so much better for it.

I’m the type of person that would be there for someone regardless of who they are and wouldn’t think twice. I’m the type of person who would go out of my way for people that I care about. I’m the type of person who has to try to control overreacting because of how I’m wired. I’ve had a therapist say that my brain is like a bus, and when something affects me, that emotion takes control and next thing I know, I’m going off a cliff at 90 because I got too upset. Yet, I never stop caring. My heart only ever grows, and I try my hardest to be a nice person. I’m the type of person that will always support the people I love with whatever they are doing in their lives.

I’m the type of person that will react to everything, but that’s because I’m emotionally invested into everything that I do. I always put my all in, that means the goods are brilliant but the lows, well they suck. Every day, I must challenge my brain and my way of thinking. Sometimes I can stop myself and other times I can’t. I’m the type of person that has my feelings disregarded time after time, so I bury how I feel, and it eats away at me. I’m the type of person that will forgive everyone but never forgets.

I make a point of sharing the big moments in my life, with my nearest and dearest before I shared it with the world because I believe that the people that have picked me up time and time again deserve to know before people I’ve never met. I make a point of reaching out to those I know wouldn’t reach out first because of fear, because nobody deserves to feel alone or isolated. I make a point of making people laugh and keeping them smiling because even for a moment, they forget their troubles. I make a point of never giving on people, even when they’re the ones in the wrong because I won’t let other people change me. I do this because I have a big heart and no amount of negativity will change that.

I have come a long way this year. From the girl that cut her arm because she wanted the pain to be real, then to a train station where I almost made a life altering decision, to being signed off because of my mental health to the girl that has faith in the future. The girl that has made plans with people and goals that don’t seem so irrational. I’m the girl that has found her smile, her laugh, and slowing her mind.

I still have bad days. I still take steps back every now and then, but I keep pushing on. I keep trying even when I don’t see any point. I have days where I nap because I have no energy. There are days where I question who I am and wonder if I am this negative energy that drains the life from everyone I love. I wonder if I’m the darkest cloud in the sky with no hope of sunshine around. Thankfully, these days are becoming less, but they are still there, and they still have the power to destroy me, I make a point of trying not to let it. I make a point of smiling all the time, because a smile has the power to change someone’s day. I know that because smiles are contagious.

If you asked me if I wanted to continue blogging now, I’d say yes! I have found that writing has helped me massively. Yet, it’s helped other people and that means more! Sure, writing is a great way to help me process my brain but, knowing that someone read what I wrote, and it helped them, is incredible. I have met some awesome people because of my blog, and I am so thankful that I didn’t give up. I’m not saying it’s going to be the best blog out there, but I will always be honest and write about things that mean something to me.

I hope that you all have a great weekend, and you smile loads. I hope that even if you are struggling, you reach out to people because there is always someone willing to listen. Check out my social media by clicking on either, Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram and stay up to date with all things blog related but most of all, until next time, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

Categories
Health❤️

I wanted my smile for so long…

I spent so long working up the courage to finally go to the dentist and get my smile back. I worked hard on being able to sit in the dentists chair without freaking out and having panic attacks. I overcame the fear that arose every time a needle was mentioned and I would literally swing my arms and legs about if I thought for a second that you were going to come anywhere near my teeth before I was ready.

I had a dentist who would say he was numbing your mouth, and he did, but he started the work long before your mouth was numb. I had my own mother hold me down because I was petrified and all she did was add fuel to the flames. I had reasons after reasons for avoiding the dentist. I mean I could brush my teeth a thousand times, but the stomach acid that I was bringing up was going to do more damage than brushing them could ever fix. I could have stopped eating the stuff that I was, but atleast I was eating and that mattered to me more.

Last Thursday, I had 12 teeth ripped from my mouth with countless stitches and I was so over the moon. The pain didn’t matter because I had my smile back and that was all that I wanted for the longest time. I wanted to not be ashamed of my teeth. I wanted to be able to talk and smile without having something in front of my mouth. The dentist put me on paracetamol, ibuprofen and dihdrocodeine and by Monday, I was back up the doctors getting something stronger because I was crying my eyes out. After taking a look at how swollen and sore my mouth was, I was prescribed tramadol. Two days later, I was back up the doctors getting antibiotics because there was an infection in one of the gaps which of course meant I was in even more pain.

I haven’t eaten a full meal since last Wednesday. I cant chew because its still way too sensitive. I have an ulcer appear where the denture sits on my gums because its constantly rubbing and I have swallowed way too much salt water to ever want to go near the ocean again. I am still in pain over a week after it happened and today I cried my eyes out. I cried because, for the first time in 9 days, I want my horrid teeth back. I want to be able to eat a meal, hell i’d settle for being able to suck on cake without it hurting. I cried because today, even though I love my smile, I wanted to go backwards.

I know that my teeth will be worth it. I know that of course I should expect pain, I had 12 teeth out and that’s a big operation. But right now, I am in a vulnerable state. I am in pain and I do spend most of my time sleeping or taking tablets. I am so thankful that Kieran has managed to be amazing, like he always is with Luna and has been doing an incredible job looking after her whilst I’ve been recovering. Thank you to my amazing friends who have rang me countless times to check up on me and thank you Liam for always letting me wake you up when I’m awake in pain. Thank you all for not letting me go through this by myself.

 

Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Being a mum❤️ Family❤️

Family is something we can’t choose…

I am and have always been family orientated. My family mean the world to me and I’d do practically anything to make sure they are happy and healthy, but there’s plenty that I wouldn’t do as well.

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever hope to hold. My daughter is my biggest motivator and best friend. She is adorable beyond words and her happiness is paramount to me. I’d go above and beyond for her because she’s my daughter and that’s what you do for your children. However, there are times where I must do things that would make me seem unfair to certain people.

I will also be the first person to stand in-between my daughter and those who wish to cause her harm or negativity. That includes family! I am not about to let any single person on this planet, treat my daughter like she doesn’t matter, and I certainly won’t allow ‘family’ to do the same. Call me strict, but I don’t want my daughter going through the same heartache and pain that I went through.

My daughter is really lucky, because she does have so many people around her that love and cherish her more than I thought possible. I know there are a list of people that would go to the ends of the world for my daughter, because they love and care for her. They also want what’s best, however, all her family won’t be involved in her life and it won’t be Luna missing out.

Luna has family she has met once and will probably never see again. She also has family she will never meet, and that’s not through her faults and when she grows up, I’ll explain it to her but that does break my heart. I grew up with having a chunk of my family not bother with me, and they still don’t really care to this day. They will be some of the people missing out on Luna. Not me. I get to see her adorable little smile and her bubbly personality each and every day. Those don’t and wont.

I won’t give people the opportunity to walk out on my daughter, the same way they walked out on Kieran and me. I won’t allow people to let her down repeatedly or say that her birthdays don’t matter. I won’t allow other people to make her feel like she is any less than what she is. I won’t allow “grandparents” an automatic right in her life, just because they may share DNA.

Luna has two parents that adore the life out of her! She has four grandparents that spoil and cherish her and each of them have an ever-growing bond with her. I mean, she goes so shy whenever my pops come over, but that doesn’t stop her from backing into him for cuddles every ten minutes or playing chase in the garden. Every morning, she calls for nanny cats and goes into the living room to see her and gives her the biggest smile! Then we have Katie and Ste, Kieran’s dad and step mum. They are incredible with her, so much that it makes me cry. They came down when she was readmitted to hospital, even though there was snow on the roads, and they had to drive the two-hour journey. That was the first time they met her, and they went through some difficult situations but still they made the effort!

I have my best friends who ring me up and always ask how my daughter is and generally, they all have to have conversations with her, but I don’t mind. Because they are actually taking the time to make an effort with my baby girl. Luna has aunts and uncles that she has built such strong bonds with, so sometimes taking her away from them for bed or naps can become a problem but she still gets special time with all of them.

So now, to the family who can’t be bothered with my daughter. The family that can’t be bothered to send a message asking how she is or what she’s learnt to do this week, because she is always growing and learning. To all of you that want to claim you have an active part in my daughter’s life, you don’t. She doesn’t know who you are and that’s not my fault. I can’t force her to know people that can’t be bothered with her and I won’t make her put up with you just because your family. Most of you, don’t deserve to know the happiness and love that my little girl can bring. You won’t know the way she laughs when the claw comes out or how much she loves animals and being outdoors. You won’t get to experience her sassy, cheeky nature. You won’t get to see how smart she is, when she’s reading her books and understanding the words. You won’t get to feel how loving and cuddly she is, because she will give everyone attention. And that’s not my fault. I’m not missing out on her because I am her mum, which means I am her strength each and every day. That strength, means stopping people I consider toxic, being an active part in her life.

But thank you. Thank you to those that put in the effort. Thank you to those that never let Luna forget who they are. Thank you to those that may come round to see me but still make effort to play with Luna and make her smile. You are the ones that Luna will grow up around. And for that, I couldn’t be more thankful.

We don’t have to allow family in our lives just because they are related. If they don’t boost you up or show concern when you’re down, they don’t deserve a place in your life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve people around you that make you happy. So don’t settle for anything less than happiness.

Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Lifestyle❤️

I hate job hunting…

I seriously think that job hunting is one of the worst things that I currently seem to be doing a lot of. It’s not like I can just stop searching for a job… well I could but I really hate not working. I know a few of you would be sitting there wondering what happened considering a few weeks ago I was still uploading selfies before work on social media but unfortunately I had to give the job up. I loved working for LPCH, but the truth was, the environment didn’t agree with my already complicated immune system. If I’m honest, it was the first time in a while, that I actually felt gutted about leaving a job, even though I had been there a month. Everyone that I met through working there is lovely, and I have plans to meet up with a few of them soon. But my health wouldn’t have been able to handle it. So here I am again, searching for a job.

I think a big part of why I hate job hunting, is because no matter what qualifications I have, I never feel like I’m good enough. I hate filling out application forms and writing about myself even more! I have no self confidence. I doubt myself in pretty much every area of my life and because of this, I hate the idea that I have to ‘sell’ why I should be employed by the company or what skills I could bring to a job role and my mind just goes blank. I mean I am good at a lot of things but most of them things I can’t exactly put under “reasons to hire me”.

Now when it comes to working, I am pretty useless. I had the same job for four years and that was purely because I didn’t have to work every day so if I was sick, I could just not work and it would have been fine. Okay, the times that I agreed to work and then got sick will always weigh on my mind but generally, I worked as much as my body could handle. Then I went to an office where I was surrounded by loads of people, who had different germs, colds and whatnot, just swimming around in the air because of the air con. I loved working in that environment but the air con just kills my immune system more than it already is. I got to the stage where I was getting sicker on antibiotics because of a new infection. However, I realised I loved working with computers and the fact that every person I spoke to was different which meant I heard a range of accents and got to be a part of someone’s day all over the country.I realised that I loved getting dressed up for work. I loved putting on smart clothes and actually feeling like an important person and I loved working in an office.

So with this in mind, all of today I have been applying for jobs and I must have applied for over 50 with still more to go. But I can’t help but feeling like I just wont get employed. Which employer really wants someone who has a compromised immune system? It doesn’t matter how fast I learn how to work or how easily it comes to me, unless I can actually make a difference for the company. If I could be employed based on my personality and skill, I know, I’d have a pretty high chance. But unfortunately that isn’t the case. I have to find a way to write about myself that promotes who I am rather than worrying that I’m unemployable. I hate not working and every day that I’m out of work, is another day that I feel like I’m failing Luna.

What do you hate most about job hunting? Let me know on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Thank you for reading. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️