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Mumma Life!

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

 

Categories
Being a mum❤️

Bug bears as a first time mum…

When you’re a first time mum, you have so many people around you telling you all sorts of things. Now I don’t know how many would agree with me, but honestly, they drove me up the wall!! I know the kind of parent I want to be and I know the kind of parent I don’t want to be. I don’t need outside opinions about what I should and should not be doing with my daughter. I LOVE Luna, and I’d do absolutely anything for her but I’m going to learn how to be a parent the best way I can, by being her mum. As a first time mum, I’ve heard and been through enough to know which people to listen too. So I thought I’d discuss some of the key ones that jump out.

Just you wait until (enter next milestone here). My daughter is incredible and learns at her own speed. I could not and would not fault her for it. She can say about 6 words and know their meanings as well as walking, crawling, feeding herself with a spoon. She has about 12 teeth in her tiny little mouth (and oh my goodness, they hurt!), and loves music. She started walking for the first time days ago and I couldn’t be prouder because it means that she’s going to be exploring the world right there next to us. People that say, you’ll wish she weren’t walking are wrong. Because yes it means being vigil but as a parent of a toddler, you’re supposed to have eyes on them at all times unless you’re prepared to clean up the mess.

Oh look at her attitude. She’s your double, better watch out. Well done genius. She’s made up of half my dna which means she’s gonna take after me. She’s got an attitude? Yes. 100% got an attitude. But that’s not a problem. She is a sassy little mare and I love her for it. She will start spouting “blagger blagger blagger” and then puts her hand up and walks away. She said what she had to say and clearly she was done with the conversation. She’s one. Why would I punish that? She is growing into her character and she’s exploring. She’s a child and I hope that she continues to be the sassy little princess I’ll raise her to be. The girl can have manners and a bit of attitude.

In my day, we did this… no one can tell you how they used to do it. I mean it’s currently the older generation that’s in charge of the country and look how that’s turning out. Their priorities have always been in the wrong place and I don’t want my daughter growing up the way I did. I don’t want to ever be scared to come home, I never want to know that she can’t tell me when she’s upset and I never want her to feel like she can’t hug me.

If you pick her up every time she cries she’ll become attached. What a crock of shite! I know the difference between my daughters cries. And if my daughter wants a cuddle, guess what, she’s gonna get a bloody cuddle. No one gives a cuddle like she does. I stand by the phrase, you cannot over cuddle a child! Luna isn’t attached. Yes she has her clingy days, but that’s because she’s teething and it must really hurt to have teeth push through your gums. I mean could you imagine that 🤣. She is one of the happiest little girls you could ever meet. She will hug pretty much everyone and doesn’t get shy that often (there are a few exceptions).

Now I could go on but they are the biggest bug bears that I hear all the time at the minute. Luna is by far my greatest achievement. She gets up and dances when she hears a song she likes, she will sit and stare every time she sees Felicia in Shrek. I swear she loves the end credits of the third film more than the film itself. Her smile can lighten a room and make you awe. Luna is my creation. And I honestly can’t express how perfect her laugh is, it’s a joy that everyone should know.

She stole them from me to try them on.

What are some of your bug bears as a parent? Let me know. @OpenUpWithMe on Twitter, Insta and Facebook. Thank you for reading. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Being a mum❤️ Health❤️

Postnatal Depression and me.

When I first had Luna, I turned round to FOUR different doctors and told them that I had postnatal depression, they said it was just baby blues and it would pass… 13 months later and I still have those “baby blues” and yet it took a self referral to the mental health to get help. But the second the mental health team said that I had it, I had so many people say “oh I could have told you that”…. really? So why didn’t anyone stand up for me when I first said it? Why was I just brushed off and ignored? And now you wanna claim that you knew? No.

Yes. I have postnatal depression. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love my daughter, and it doesn’t make me a bad mum. It makes me a troubled one. It makes it harder to bond with her and I punish myself for it. I couldn’t get attached to her because I was constantly scared I was gonna lose her. Partly due to something sinister and partly because I had people threaten to get her taken off me before she was even here. I had nightmares that someone was gonna kidnap my baby girl every night and it made me not want to sleep.

My daughter is just over a year and I have never had a bath with her like most mothers would. I have never taken her out alone. I can’t be there when she goes to sleep and I get so nervous about being alone with her. I have spent probably about 5 hours alone with my daughter in her entire short life and that’s not because I don’t want too. It’s because I can’t. I get scared that I can’t cope and I panic. I’m scared that somethings going to happen to her and it’s gonna be all my fault. I’m scared of being a bad mum and neglecting her. And I wouldn’t have any sort of relationship with her if it wasn’t for Kieran. Because he is well and truly my rock.

My daughter is by far the most important person in my life and all I do is worry. I over think and I panic because I think of the worst things possible. But it’s only recently that I’ve actually started to bond with her and I won’t do it without support. I mean for the first 11 weeks of her life, I breastfed her and it was one of the hardest challenges I’ve had to face. She was an extremely hungry baby. She clusterfed so much that for the first few weeks, I had about 7 hours sleep a week. It wasn’t that much. I ended up in hospital because I was rundown and my body was suffering. It got to the point where she was having both breasts, whatever I could express and top up formula and I felt defeated. I felt like I couldn’t even give my daughter what she needed.

The day I made the decision to stop, was the hardest and was when I went downhill. Everyone told me that I wasn’t a bad mum and I had given her the best start to life but it didn’t matter to me. Because I felt like I failed again. I couldn’t go full term, I couldn’t give birth naturally and then I couldn’t breastfeed her. I saw new mums bonding with their babies and I felt even worse because I couldn’t. I saw mums lose their precious ones and I felt guilty. Here I was with a perfectly healthy baby and I couldn’t do the one thing they longed for. And still to this day, I punish myself because of other people and I shouldn’t.

Every day however, I make Luna her night time bottle, kiss her forehead and tell her how much I love her. Every morning I wake up to her massive smile and I tell her how much I love her and how happy she makes me. Every day, I give her the biggest cuddles I can and sing her favourite songs to her. I help get her dressed and we play with her toys. We watch Shrek cuddled up in bed and we sing “if you’re happy and you know it”. But I still feel like there is so much more that I should be doing and could be doing.

I was severely depressed before I had Luna and it made sense that I had postnatal depression because I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. But every day I try for that little girl and every day it does get easier. If you were to ask Kieran how many times I asked for reassurance, he’d probably say way too much. I honestly do believe that I suck as a mother because the little I do is nothing compared to what I should be.

However, I do know that I love my daughter and I make sure that she is happy. Believe me, she is. It’s very rare that she’ll cry and she makes me so proud. She doesn’t need a perfect mum, but she does need a happy one. And battling this, is hard but for her, I’ll kick it’s ass. I’ll show her that even at my weakest, I can be strong. That even when I feel like I’m failing, she’s living proof that I’m not that bad. One day, I know I’ll be the mum I’m capable of. One day I will make my daughter as proud as she makes me. I just have to take this one day at a time.

Thank you for reading. Ferrari. 💝

Categories
Being a mum❤️ Family❤️ Lifestyle❤️

My silver lining. ❤️

I feel like my post earlier was pretty dark. I mean yes I have bad days but I have the greatest light of all.

My daughter is my everything. I live every day for her! I push myself when I feel weak because she is my strength. She has the cutest smile and the best cuddles. She has the brightest eyes and the warmest laugh. If you ever have the pleasure to meet her, I bet you remember her.

She saved me. Last year, I was going through some of the hardest moments of my life. We found out we were having her and it gave me purpose. She gives me purpose. She is such a happy baby girl that I couldn’t have asked for more. Every morning she will wake up between 7-9, she has her breakfast, listens to music and dances about. She loves a good swivel! She laughs and plays with us. She’s learning to walk and loves to explore. She’s such a little character. She has her nap and sleeps at about 8. All day we are on our toes but all day she keeps us smiling.

I live for cuddles with her because they make everything perfect.

See. No matter how bad my day may get. No matter how low I feel. She is enough to keep me sane. She gives the sloppiest kisses and the silliest high fives. She will copy my laugh and then laugh at it. It’s beautiful. There is nothing more honest in this world, than a child’s laughter.

Yes today was a bad day. But Luna is alive, she’s happy and she’s healthy. And that’s all I could ever ask for as a mother. So although mentally it was exhausting and draining, I have way more to be thankful of.

I am truly blessed. And I am so thankful for her each and every day! She is by far my greatest moment. She is the love of my life. A love that is pure and unconditional. I will love her beyond my lifetime because she is my legacy. And if I get one thing right in this world, I know it will be her.

I am thankful for being alive and sharing memories with her. I am thankful that I get to be her mum and bring her up with her amazing father. Because I am beyond thankful for him. He keeps me sane most of the time and is beyond perfect with her. He is the definition of a father. He lives and breathes for her. And that’s all I could ever ask. I love you both beyond words. Beyond actions.

I am thankful for all my readers. For helping me smash records. You let me write what I want and read it with great feedback. You support me and I truly appreciate it.

I am thankful for my friends that know who they are. That I don’t give enough credit to. Thank you for still being here even though I’m tough to handle sometimes. And to my family that put up with me day in and out. I love you all. ❤️

Categories
Family❤️

Parenting

Anyone can father a child, it takes someone special to be a dad.

One of my biggest fears was that when I had children, their father wouldn’t be around. I didn’t want them to experience not knowing when they would next see them.

I was lucky. I had a pretty awesome childhood, sure there was drama in it but I try not to dwell on the negatives. I mean so much has changed since I was born, that most of the people have changed for the better.

My mum has always been around, she’s always pushed us to follow our dreams, she encourages us to go forward in life and she’s always listened when we were upset. Although she spent most of my childhood as a single mum, I think she did an incredible job. We had everything we needed. We got the life skills we needed to be decent people. She’s an incredible, strong and independent woman who has so much courage and determination that helped her achieve so much.

Now I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. No matter what, I’ve always known that my dad loves and cares about me. He may not have been in the family home but I’ve still got some of the greatest memories with him. Memories that I will cherish until I can’t remember them anymore. Every day forward, I am proud of the father he is to my younger siblings. The way he has improved at parenting, because nobody is perfect. He keeps taking steps forward and words can not describe how happy I am. (Nobody has the right to judge anyone. As long as you learn from your mistakes, they can’t be held against you.)

Then we come to me as a parent. I wanted to be like each of them in their own ways. I wanted to be put my children first. I wanted them to know that I would always be around, that they can come to me about anything, that I would never judge them. The problem was, although I could list of everything I wanted to be as a parent, I couldn’t control how the father would be. Parenting is all about working as a team to bring the child up the best way possible.

Now even though Kieran has only been a dad for nine months, he is by far the greatest dad I know! He knew I was pregnant before I had done a test. So much so he would keep making jokes about it. I think it was his way of telling me that I needed to do a test. I remember telling him and his reply being “told you so” imitating me with the exact face I would have pulled at him. He knows me so well.

Every day during my pregnancy, he was there. He came to every scan. He made sure he was at every check and doctors appointment possible. (Due to having the baby in the south and us studying in the midlands, it meant that he missed a few weeks towards the end. As I was granted Mat Leave and he couldn’t for obvious reasons.) Kieran held my hand, endured my mood swings, rubbed my back, massaged my legs and dealt with every craving. He was impressive. He looked after me better than I ever thought possible and I knew that our daughter was one incredibly lucky girl. Everytime I panicked, he would talk me down and tell me that not only was she a fighter like me, but she’d also be stubborn. That she was going to be okay and that as soon as she was here, I’d be able to see that I’m doing an awesome job. He is brilliant like that.

From the day she was born, he has gone above and beyond what I thought possible. Luna was breastfed, so everytime I woke up for a feed, he would be awake with me so that I wasn’t alone. He stayed with us each time we were admitted back into hospital, even though he couldn’t stand being there. He made sure she was calm and relaxed so I could get some sleep. From the day she was born, he has stayed by our sides every step of the way. Luna is a daddy’s girl, and adores spending time with him. He can make her smile and laugh so easily. She can be having a screaming fit but would always calm down for daddy cuddles.

I never doubted his ability as a dad, but I do think I greatly underestimated it. Because I have seen how protective he got over his sister, how he couldn’t bare the thought of having her in care. The way he is around his other sisters and brother, that no matter how much time goes by, they still act as if they saw each other the weekend before. The bond he has with his siblings considering the things they have gone through is a blessing. Yet, Kieran has been my rock. And because of it, we have one extremely happy little lady.

I am truly thankful for the man and father he is, for taking time when he needs it, for never letting himself get angry, for making her smile, for hearing her little belly laugh, for showing her strength, for loving her. I am thankful because I believe that I found the greatest father to our child, and for loving me as well as he does. I am so proud to say that you’re ours. 💋❤️

Categories
Being a mum❤️

Proud mumma moment🖤

Today, my baby girl took her first step unaided and has now done it twice. Okay, so both times she’s only managed one step but that’s okay. Because that first step is always the hardest.

We’ve been staying at one of my best friends house whilst her mums been away, so that she didn’t lose out on money but having to miss two hours of work everyday as she has a young son who needed to get to school before she could start her shift at the care home. I’ve been helping out with Luna and my partner Kieran so that she could keep as much as routine as possible.

Just so happened that whilst we’ve been here, Luna who will be 9 months on the Saturday (22nd if you’re reading this after the upcoming week.) has been pulling herself up using the sofa and walking along it. She’s been doing that for at least a week now and has pretty much mastered it. So me and Kieran thought that it would be a good time to start teaching her to walk unaided. She would hold onto his index finger and walk, after she had taken a few steps, he’d slowly release his fingers and she’d usually fall to the floor. Well today, whilst my hands were there, ready to catch her, she took her first step.

This was by far one of my greatest moments as her mummy. She made me so proud and I couldn’t help but pick her up and give her a big kiss and a cuddle.

That first step was always going to be the hardest as she hadn’t done it before but she wasn’t scared and when she fell, she used time to pick herself back up and try again. She amazes me each and every day. But I’m telling you now, I can’t wait for the moment she calls mummy and wanders over to me wanting a cuddle. Because I will pick her up and give her one and no doubt I’ll be crying at the same time.

I always wanted a child but having speaking to doctors, I didn’t think I would have one of my own. Here I am, with my miracle baby. So believe me when I say, I’m gonna make sure to document everything. So much so you’ll all get sick of reading about her. 💕

Categories
Being a mum❤️

The last year!

Has it really been over a year since I last wrote here? Wow that’s really long. Truth is, a lot has happened in the last year that I wouldn’t know where to start. So I thought I’d tell you about one of the most important.

On the 22nd of December 2017, me and my amazing boyfriend brought our daughter into this world safely. She weighed 5lb 5oz and made my world perfect!

As you can imagine, with the Addison’s, there were many complications. I wasn’t allowed to go full term as we wasn’t sure what kind of stress that would have on my body, so she was born at 36&5. She was also breech and they couldn’t turn her due to the stress it would cause to my body so after I lost my mucus plug believe me it’s as disgusting as it sounds, they decided that my beautiful daughter was to be born two days later via c-section as it was too much of a risk to go 37 weeks and deliver naturally.

She was here and our lives changed dramatically. She put perspective into my mind and she is at the forefront of everything I do and plan to do.

The last 8 months haven’t been easy, but my goodness!! Every day with my daughter is the best day ever. We managed through her colic at 2am-6am and yes it was painful. We got through her reflux and pulled her out the other side.

But even through the sleepless nights and the pain that I couldn’t take away, I have gotten to see my baby girl grow in so many ways. Her first word was mum and it makes my heart melt every time. I’m still not used to being called mum or mummy. The way she has grown into her cheeky, bubbly personality. The way she looks up with me so innocently and with so much love in her eyes.

Being a mum is by far the most rewarding role I could ever have. And it means so much more considering I honestly thought I’d never get the chance. There is always a way. 💋❤️