Categories
Health❤️

No one can fault you for trying…

Write what should not be forgotten. – Isabel Allende

Everything I write on my blog, will be on the big wide world of the web. So I want to use it as a place to be remembered. I want people to be able to use my blog to express how they’re feeling when they can’t find the words… the only problem being sometimes I don’t even know the words to express how I feel. I am way too harsh on myself, and wont post something if I find it awful… probably why I have over 45 drafts… And I’ve found that it’s so much easier to write when I’m not at war with myself. So what do I do when I am at war with myself? I cry. A lot. Because I hate not being able to express myself through my words.

I can get myself into such a state. I am living with constant rollercoaster and I’m pretty sure the downs wouldn’t be as bad if I opened up when they were happening. I know I should, okay? I’m very much aware of the complications I create myself, but it’s not as simple as that to me. My brain has so much trouble with the ‘grey’ area, and even though it may not seem like it, I am working on that. It’s just hard. To me, a simple thing, would be blown way out of proportion because of the way I can’t express myself depending on the mood I am in. Sometimes I am so easy to get along with. I can take a joke and everything is great. However, sometimes I just lose control, and all the little things getting to me become too much.

I worry that the “little things” aren’t so little. I worry that those problems, will be too much and there’s no turning back, which is why I don’t discuss them. Then, when all the little ones build up, I lose it and by that point, there isn’t a chance to turn back. Slowly i’m accepting that I need to address things quickly, but I also need those nearest to me to understand that when I say I’m okay, its because I don’t want to talk about it and its not an invitation to ask further questions. That is one sure way, not to get me to open up.

I get so scared that people are going to leave me because of some of the thoughts that go through my head. There are times where I know I am being stupid but for some reason I can’t stop myself, its a defense mechanism. I get so scared people are going to leave so I push them away before they get a chance. Or, they get too close and I have to shut them out because IF they were to leave, it would utterly destroy me. I don’t believe that I am enough, I was hurt so badly that I can’t accept it when things are going well. That same fear creeps in because my past has taught me that even the ones that are supposed to never leave, will. So the ones that say they will never leave, still could.

I have walls up for my own protection. There are days where my existence feels lonely and isolated, because the fear has grown so strong, that I have no choice but to suffer in silence. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that my feelings are sometimes overbearing. I can be completely rational one moment and the slightest change in my feelings, will cause my brain to do a complete 180 and I can’t slow it down or even stop it. I feel like I can’t love myself so why should anyone else. I lose count of how much I ask that I’m enough because I have never felt like it. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have no confidence when it comes to myself. Yet, I can put on one hell of a persona, and that persona would have you believe that I could do anything I set my mind too. The truth is, I’m so scared to be who I really am, because who I am is emotional and overwhelming. My mind is a whirlwind but sometimes, its more of a blessing than a curse.

Nothing in this world is easy, I know that from my hard past. Yet, I am still fighting so that has to count for something. I still write, even though I think there isn’t a point some days. I still try because if I do give up, I’m teaching Luna that it’s okay to stop when things get too tough. The truth is, you can take a break. Sometimes a break from all situations will do you more good than you realise. I may not have been able to write for a while, but I’m still trying.

I battle myself each and every day. I don’t think I can remember when I didn’t battle myself over something. I battle whether or not to bring something up or to bury it till it finds its own way out later. I battle whether to walk out my door and face people even though I feel like a failure. I battle with every thought and feeling, questioning if it’s rational or not. So remember that the next time I do decide to open up. Because I would have battled myself for hours on whether or not to say something.

Every one has their own battles, and most of the time, we can’t see them. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t pushing through them and trying. It’s the ones that don’t give up, even when life gives them so many reasons too. I try even on the days where I feel like running and hiding. Sometimes I fail and that takes a serious toll on me. But on the times that I don’t, I know nobody can take it away from me. This life with borderline is hard, but I haven’t stopped trying yet.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Lifestyle❤️

Lets talk about change…

The same people that called me self-centred, shallow, and superficial are the ones obsessed with reality tv and what their favourite celebrity is doing next, however there are plenty of bigger issues in the world. Issues that get ignored and downgraded. Ones that get tossed aside until the problem has escalated to an extreme that may or may not be reversible.

I tend to avoid the news or news programmes because they just frustrate me. Not only do you have the likes of Piers Morgan sprouting his utter bollocks and claiming to speak on behalf of a nation… that same nation that he sits on his horse and judges, the same nation that he slates and undermines in every opportunity. Now, he can have opinions all he likes, hell i’d embrace his opinions if he actually presented them like a civiliased person and not an emotionless robot. I also watched some show presented by Victoria Derbyshire where she was having a ‘conversation’ with an MP that was going for leadership… It was tragic on both parts and I couldn’t actually believe that these two people were getting paid to have this chat on live air. It was a disaster and I learned nothing except the MP is a douche and couldn’t stand by any statements in typical political fashion and the presenter lost control of her interview which made me cringe.

I got various news websites up to have a look at what the current issues were today and oh my goodness. They are as much of a joke as this country is turning too. I suppose it makes sense that the next PM we have, will be a clown. Over the majority of news websites that I looked at, the biggest headlines were to do with the police being called to Boris Johnsons flat because of an argument and Trump trying to start yet another war. Neither, in my opinion should be headlined news. I am not going to say that I could do a better job, but I’d like to think that in such a confusing time, the news channels would be doing a better job at presenting more reasons to smile than reasons to question reality. Do I honestly care that Boris Johnson had police called to his flat because of an argument with his mrs? No. It doesn’t concern me.

Im concerned about the hundreds of people that sleep on the street with no roof over their heads. I’m concerned about the thousands of people that are living in situations that are truly questionable of their human rights. I’m concerned about the ones that go to bed cramped and scared because life is hard. I care about the thousands of peoples that are suffering with poor health, both physical and mental that are being ignored. I’m concenred about a country that cares more about what the richest 5% are doing than the poorest 20%. I’m concerned about the education system that we trust our most precious people in. The same education system that fails everyone if they don’t fit a certain criteria. I’m concerned about the issues we ignore!

We live in a world where women are criticised for how we look and what we wear, instead of teaching boys and men to respect womens minds. We live in a world where is so much easier to point the finger than accept responsibility and make the changes. We live in a world where no doesn’t mean no, where no just means not yet. We live in a world where you are slightly different, you’re less of a person and that’s not acceptable. It’s not acceptable that we say things like “boys will be boys” or “men should be strong”. It’s not acceptable that we look down on people because they come from a single parent background or on benefits.

As a society, we are not acceptable. But as a society, it’s us who needs to stand up and make the changes. We elect the MPS that sit on the government that runs our country. We raise our issues and we have our voices! Start using them for things that matter. For issues that matter. Stand up for the little people that haven’t quite found their voices. Stand up for those who voices are drowned out by people who think they know better. Stand up for the sick and elderly. Stand up for your families and friends. Every single person on this planet has the capability to make a change. Stop spreading hate, embrace people for who they are but don’t accept that its all they will ever be. Stop focusing on celebrity news and culture and embrace your own. Embrace your lives and make changes to make your lives better. If you have issues with the world, don’t wait for someone else to start the fight, start it yourself and get others involved. As a society, we are failing. Embrace those that dare to be different and stand alongside those that want to speak out. Because otherwise, the voices that were gifted to each and everyone of us, are going to waste.

For a while, I forgot I had a voice. I let so many of my issues go unheard and then I thought, well screw you. I’m important too and what I say matters. I mean sure, I’m one person. But this one person, has 42 followers directly to this blog and over 400 followers on twitter. That’s over 400 sets of ears that could read this and if one person shares it, then the possible audience will just grow because that is the power of social media. That is the power we have as a society, so why don’t we use it?

 

Thank you for reading. I know I’ve been a bit distant recently, but I promise to blog more. After all, my voice needs to be heard one way or another. I hope you all have an amazing weekend. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

#TimeToTalk

If you’re on Twitter, you’ll have seen this hashtag flying about. It’s about mental health and how we need to end the discrimination and stigma surrounding it.

I’m quite fortunate because I have a means of expressing myself through this blog and that’s my way of coping right now. But many people aren’t that lucky. They suffer in silence because they are scared to talk about their problems. That isn’t fair. But there are always options.

Now, I went to the doctor in order to get referred but you can do a self referral to mind and they are great. But there are people that you can talk to. And you shouldn’t feel ashamed. Plenty of people have an issue with their mental health but that doesn’t make you any less of a person.

Since I went to see my local GP, I got put in touch with the Access and Assessment Unit at my local hospital and have seen them twice with my third coming up in a few weeks. We talk about all sorts of things, and she just listens. Although she has a pretty good idea what’s wrong, and I’ve got one of my definite diagnoses, but I’ve still got a long way to go. She sat on the phone and just listened to me rant for half an hour because she knew I had a bad weekend. Just having someone to listen, helps.

She’s spoke to the psychiatrist who is willing to see me to start the weekly therapy process and I’ve been in touch with a dietician. That’s three different professionals who are helping me overcome my many issues. That’s three people that listen and help. They aren’t tearing me down every chance they get.

However, I know there are people that are going to read this and want to speak out and I will listen. If you need an ear, well I have two. If you need a distraction, well, I can try my hardest to make you laugh. You honestly don’t have to go through this alone. Mental health is normal. So many people have and will be effected in one way or another. Speak to people who want to listen. The ones who won’t tell you how you should be thankful because people have it worse. They won’t belittle you and make you feel like you don’t matter.

It’s okay not to be okay. You don’t have to have it together 24/7 and nobody should expect you to. But there are brighter days just beyond the horizon and you’re not alone.

I’m not afraid to speak out. #TimeToChange

Thank you for reading. Ferrari. 💝

Categories
Health❤️

Self-Harm

I want you to know before you read this blog post, that it does contain some very sensitive topics. There is a massive trigger warning coming with this post. But after the month that I have had, I really wanted to write this. Not for attention but for closure.

How selfish must people be to turn around tell someone who has self-harmed how wrong and pathetic it is? How righteous do you feel about yourself knowing, that the second you stared to pick on what they did, you put them in a position to want to do it again? How good did it make you feel, knowing the second you called them an idiot without listening to why? Did it make you feel like you achieved something by picking on someone who clearly needs help and not judgement?

There are people all over this planet that will say that those that self harm, do it for attention. That, cutting themselves is them acting immaturely to the greater world. That, harming themselves is pathetic and cowardly. It’s not. It’s not the right thing to do but it doesn’t make you immature or pathetic. Yes, you need attention, but you need the right attention. Not to the fact that you’ve harmed yourself, more to why you took to causing yourself pain when you “have people around”.

If you were to ask anyone of my friends, they will all sit there and tell you how strong I am, how whenever I am having a bad day, that I just get over it and don’t let it get to me. The truth is, I am that girl! I will always be a fighter and I will always fight for myself, my views and my daughter. I will always be strong for her! But that doesn’t mean that I am always that girl. Especially not now. That girl lives in me, and she is there but right now, she isn’t the person I see when I look into a mirror. I don’t see strength right now, I see weakness. I don’t see determination, I see failure. I see someone look back at me that isn’t the happy, bubbly girl I would be described as. Instead, I’m greeted by eyes that look dead, a swollen face and a broken mind. I’m greeted by someone who has lost over a quarter of her body weight because she doesn’t physically want to eat. I physically force myself to eat to throw it back up within an hour.

Statics regarding self-harm are so rare because very few people own up and get help. There are many different types and not all of them require hospitalisation. Within the last 6 months, I’ve displayed more than one type of self-harm. Yes, I have taken a sharp instrument to my skin in order to cause myself pain. Hell, I bite my nails and still managed to cause myself to bleed when I scratch myself. Yes, I have thrown my fists against a wall in order to cause myself pain. (I’d rather hit a wall and lose a bit of blood than hit the people causing me pain and risk losing my daughter.) But, not once, in all the times I’ve hurt myself was I doing it to end my life, nor was I doing it for attention. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts but there is a one year old that gives me more strength than she will ever know. Sometimes its easy and others, it takes every bit of strength I have, not to lose it yet I still do.

In the last year, I have hurt myself in ways that I shouldn’t have. I’ve caused myself pain and suffering because the pain in my head wasn’t real. Because society, make you feel like your mental health, doesn’t suffer and doesn’t experience pain. They would rather have you believe that those that self-harm are doing it because they want attention. If I wanted attention, the day I sliced my wrist up, I would have come straight into the room where there was at least 7 people who would have given me attention for it. I didn’t. I came in, got a cigarette and smoked it. If I wanted attention, I’d have told everyone that I was doing it. But the truth is, I didn’t know I was going to do it until I hit the floor and couldn’t cope with everything that was going on in my head. I needed that pain, to be real. To know that even though I felt weak, it was because of the pain on my arm and not the fact that I am suffering. I have been saying all year that I’m not okay, I’ve taken steps in order to get it back but there’s a process that takes time. And until that gets started, I’m not going to magically wave a wand and be better. I’ve been screaming out for help and it didn’t work so I hurt myself because I needed too. Not to end my life, not to cause pain and hurt to the people I love, no, I did it because I needed to feel real pain. Pain that was physical. Pain that was visible. Pain that couldn’t be denied.

I did it a week ago and it took three or four days for people to notice. I didn’t hide it because I needed to see it as a reminder that pain is real. But they didn’t ask why or if I was okay. Nope. They just wanted to tell me that I’m an idiot and I was wrong for doing it. Believe it or not, and I know this may come as a shock to some people, but I am aware of the pain I caused on myself. That’s why I did it. I know causing myself an injury doesn’t make me smart or cool, but it helped. Because at that moment, it was real and yes it hurt like a bitch and stung like hell, but it was real. I know it wasn’t smart, but it also wasn’t permanent. I managed to fight off the suicide and settle for pain. I wanted to end it all and I didn’t I chose to just settle for the pain that would come of it. I did it, because at that point, I was alone and weak. I didn’t do it, so you could all feel sorry for me, I did it because nobody listened to me when I said I was in pain, nobody heard me when I said I was struggling. Then when I finally did something to try and relieve some of the pain in my head to something visible, I just get told it’s self-inflicted and that its pathetic.

But do you want to know what’s pathetic? The fact that I have so many “friends and family” around me yet I feel alone and isolated. I have people around me and I can’t open up to them without their criticization or undermining how I feel. I can’t talk to the people I love the most without them taking it personally and attacking me. That’s what’s pathetic. The fact that I suffer in silence because everyone around me would rather point out what’s wrong with how I feel than understanding that things aren’t okay. They would rather pretend that I am a bad person than remember that right now I need support and understanding not victimisation. I don’t need to be told what’s wrong because my head does that more than you possibly could.

Now, this isn’t a bashing. In the last month, I have been going further and further down, in the last month, so many people have played their hand in helping make sure that I stay down, yet I have a few people that work so hard to pick me up every time I fall. I have people that spend hours trying to get me to crack a smile, to laugh even slightly. They are the same people that don’t ask what’s wrong because I wont just come out and say it, they ease me into it and let me open up without pressure. The same people that have sat and watched me cry are the ones that gave me a tissue and held me while I did so.

This isn’t me saying that self-harming is acceptable because in an ideal world, mental health would be regarded as just health and wouldn’t be looked at in such a negative view. People that self-harm aren’t some strange aliens from out of space, they don’t conform to a specific stereotype and come in so many shapes and sizes. Just because someone has scars on their wrist, doesn’t make them a bad person, it means that there was a time where they were alone and isolated and tried to scream out but couldn’t so took the pain out on themselves. They feel that they are a burden and don’t want to put that burden on to anyone else. Those people are the ones that are suffering in silence and would rather take it out on themselves than let people in. Our brains fight against us. They magnify and blur everything, so you don’t see what’s real and what isn’t, it makes it so that you can only focus on the negatives because the positives are spun that way.

What I want from this post, isn’t people to message me saying that they are here if I need them. I want them to go to people that they know are suffering and just aim to make them smile. Because one smile at a low point can change an entire day. I want them to stop looking at people with scars and cuts as aliens and start treating them as people. Stop pointing out how stupid or pathetic you think they are for what they did. But encourage them to keep fighting. To help them when they are low and to make sure that if they are suffering, they have you there just, so they don’t suffer alone. Had anyone been with me when I was alone and weak, I wouldn’t have felt the need to hurt myself. But I was alone. I was physically and emotionally isolated. I was barricaded behind the thoughts that were controlling me. And that wasn’t me.

I am not the person who hides away and cries in a corner. I am not the person who lets pain and suffering define who I am. I will be that person again, it will just take time and patience. But you can believe me when I say, those that have made me feel worse for cutting myself or punching walls, are the ones that won’t be coming into next year. Next year, I don’t want to be the shell of the person I once was, I want to be the person I am. The person I am meant to be. And I will get there. But if you aren’t supporting me, then please don’t say anything. I don’t need to be surrounded by negativity, I do however need to be surrounded by those that love and support me. Those that understand that, even though right now I am in a dark place, I am still me! One day I will be strong and stubborn again, one day I will be determined and courageous, and that one day will happen soon. But, if you played even a slight part in keeping me down, then I wont ever give you that chance again.

Every time you want to cut yourself. Do these four steps. Sometimes they help straight away and other times, they distract your mind long enough for you to get a message or a sign that you’re gonna be okay.

You are not your scars. Your scars don’t define who you are. And your pain does matter. And I know it’s hard. Because I’m still battling to get back to where I was. But I also know that the pain will go and happiness and love will take its place. ❤️