Categories
Mental health

Why does everyone say, it will get easier?

You know that moment when your whole world comes crashing down and the person you’re in love with decides the relationship is never going to be worth it? That moment that shatters your heart into a million tiny pieces and nothing seems right. That moment that you just drop to the floor and ball your eyes out. Why is it, that when this happens, all those closest to you, feel the need to say, “don’t worry, it will get easier”…

Don’t you think that I know it will get easier and hearts get broken all the time, but in this moment, that doesn’t help. It doesn’t stop the tears from falling or your heart from aching. It doesn’t stop the memories that pop into your head and stay there until they have broken you down to tears. It doesn’t stop the sheer agony of knowing that all they will ever be is memories with no real chance of a future. It doesn’t magically get better over night. It takes days, weeks even months to truly get over a heartbreak and yes, some days will get easier, but right now, that is the last thing they need to hear.

Losing someone you’re in love with, is one of the hardest and most damaging things that can happen. It takes down every wall that you built to stop yourself getting broken and destroys all hope you had inside of things get better. You can’t just turn off how you feel and stop the pain. You can’t just switch of your tear ducts and stop crying. You can’t just smile and pretend because one of the reasons you had to smile is gone.

I think it’s harder when they decide that they’ve had enough. When they decide they never want to think about or speak to you again. It’s hard to just stop all the memories of times shared at the click of your fingers. But it’s even harder when you lived together. When everywhere you turn, there is some reminder of a presence that no longer is going to be around. But the hardest part about losing the person you’re in love with, is the moment they say they regretted ever being with you. Because that means they regretted every moment spent together and sometimes that’s a lot.

It’s hard to look around and not think about you. It’s hard to not go to message you even though I know everything’s blocked. It’s harder knowing that you’ll never be there again. That I’ll never get to hold you or kiss you because even though you’re out there somewhere, I’m no longer active in your life. It hurts knowing that whenever you think about me, feels you with pain and anger. Knowing that just the mention of my name, is enough to make you want to scream. I’m sorry for that.

There’s a part of me that wants to say I’m sorry and I regret us. Just because i know it’s what you want to hear. But that doesn’t mean I feel it. I feel anger at everyone for telling me to just move on and forget about it. But how do you forget about someone who meant everything to you? I’m not sorry we got together and I’ll never apologise for being with you. Because you have my heart. If you didn’t, this would be so much easier to deal with. If I wasn’t in love with you, I wouldn’t so much as shed a tear. But I am. And that’s not going to disappear in the blink of my tear filled eyes.

I’ve tried to convince myself that it’s over but my heart doesn’t want to admit what my brain already knows. My heart won’t stop beating for you and I just wish it would. Because this hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt before. One day I will get over you, I haven’t exactly got much of a choice. But right now, I’m not. I’m hurting. And I’m sorry.

I want to look to the future, but this future is one that doesn’t consist of you. You were my best friend, I could tell you anything and know that you wouldn’t judge me out loud. You know me better than I’ve ever known myself and I felt safer with you than anyone else. I thought I knew that no matter what, we’d have gotten through everything. I just didn’t realise that was the biggest lie I told myself. So I’m being honest, that no matter how much I want to hate you, I can’t. No matter how much I wish I didn’t, I am in love with you, so until those feelings go and you’re not captivating every waking thought, I’m going to focus on myself and Luna.

Thank you for helping me become a better mother and person. Thank you for everything you did for me and every time you picked up the pieces. Thank you for being the guy I loved and the guy who had my heart. Even though I’m gone from your life, I wish you nothing but love and happiness. It’s about time you found your forever. I just wish, it was me.

Categories
Give Thanks!

I couldn’t have done it without you…

Originally, I wasn’t going to blog today. I was going to work on some of the pieces that I have coming out over this month, plus a fair chunk of this morning and early afternoon was spent sorting out bits for the podcast but yet, I found I had to write a post today because you amazing readers got me to 2000 views today and for that, I am incredibly proud.

We did it! ❤️

 

I never thought that I’d have doubled my views within in a year and to say that I have, is incredible. I never thought that my blog would be read by so many of you around the world, yet here I am with views in over 20 countries. So, thank you to every single person that has read any of my posts! It doesn’t matter if you’re a regular reader or it’s your first time. Thank you for all your support and great feedback. Thank you for following my journey through many different areas of my life.

I started this blog to have a way to try to process how I was feeling and what was going on in my life and in two years, you guys have helped me grow and given me something to work towards. Since starting, I have had people reach out and tell me how I inspired them to write their own journeys or helped them realise that they aren’t alone in this big bad world and that matters! I love writing, but I love the fact that I can help people through my writing.

I hope each person has a great day and enjoys the little accomplishments. Because each little accomplishment are the building blocks to completing your goals. Check me out on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

Categories
Lifestyle❤️

Originally,

Well I was supposed to upload a post about children’s mental health and I just couldn’t press send. It’s fully written but I think its hard to open up some days. So I figured I would share something else.

I have found on days that I write, I don’t lose control as much. I mean sure I have the occasional snap but generally, it’s a lot easier to handle. And today was a bad day for many reasons but I don’t want to end it on a negative. I want to celebrate.

I started blogging properly in September of last year and I had no idea what I was doing, five months on and I don’t even think I really know now. But I do know that writing makes my life that little bit easier. It makes my mind a little simpler and my feelings feel like they matter. Even when I don’t post what I write straight away, I still have the release of my feelings and I don’t have to bottle things up. It’s not always easy to open to people, but writing doesn’t have a face. I don’t have to look at their emotions or read their facial expressions and see how I feel hurt them.

I purposely avoid sharing my blog sometimes, because I know that some of the people that matter to me, wouldn’t go out of their way to find it, and half of them haven’t even read it. They sit and wonder why I can’t open up to them but they don’t understand that they are the reason I don’t open up. I get met with things like negativity, being belittled and downgraded, being told that its simple and all I have to do is change the way I think. I mean according to some of the people in this house, my mental health doesn’t matter because I choose to be this way. Yet they may me feel bad because they can’t be bothered to take the time to understand it.

Yet, in 35 posts that I have done since September, I have had people I have never met reach out and say that I helped them with what I had written. That to them, my blog explained things that they couldn’t and it helped their families to understand a little part of what they may be experiencing. In those 35 posts, I have reached 18 other countries, and had over 800 visitors and over 1.2 thousand views! To me, that is truly remarkable. To know that there are people all over the world that have wanted to read the words I’ve written and that is moving. The fact that my little voice is read for many different reasons is bewildering because there are days I wake up with love and support and its usually on the days that I don’t feel like enough.

I have support from more people that I’ve never met than I do from the voices around me. I have truly remarkable friends not only in the UK but also in USA and beyond. I have people that I’ve never met who pick me up without realising it and I’ve heard from people that I used to be close with, that have been following how I am through my blog. Every one of those voices matter, and I want you readers to know that I could never thank you enough for reading, so I love you.

If you haven’t already, give my blog a like on Facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/openupwithmeblog, follow me on Instagram @openupwithme, or catch me on twitter @RariAyliffe❤️

Thank you for staying with me as I try to make sense of the world. Ferrari. 💝