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Health❤️

#BorderlinePersonalityMonth ❤️

For the whole of May, it’s BPD month, so I figured as someone with this mental illness, that a blog post dedicated to it would be worth it. It’s one of the hardest illnesses that I’ve ever had the misfortune to have because it affects each and every day of my life.

Ever since I got diagnosed, I’ve had nothing but trouble. Most people will look down their noses at me because they don’t understand. They will belittle me because it’s easier than open their ears and listening. And mostly, too many people don’t care and will happily trigger you so they can tell you how much of a horrible person I am. Yet, I’m one of the most open and caring people I have ever met, and even though my days are hard, there are some good points.

Symptoms

  • Needing attention
  • Emotional Outbursts
  • Social Withdrawal
  • Self-Destructive Behaviours
  • Being Clingy
  • Forgetting Things
  • Getting upset about simple things
  • Weird and unusual triggers
  • Needing validation

As someone with BPD, I have experienced all of these and so many others. I have emotional outbursts that don’t make sense that have stemmed from something so small. I have outbursts because I don’t feel like I can tell people what’s really bothering me. I shut myself off all the time and I cling onto people that I care about because rejection and abandonment fill my head each and every day. During times of emotional distress, I end up verbally lashing out. I end up pushing those I love away and making the situation a thousand times worse. And they are coming from not wanting to be left again. Because I can’t see the grey, it’s either good or bad, never okay and because of it, I can go from one extreme to the other at the drop of a hat. It’s uncontrollable and soul destroying when I hit the bad parts. It’s like a darkness swallowing me whole. It feels like I’m the worst person in the world who doesn’t deserve love and friendship.

I could talk about the negatives until the cows come home but that’s only one side to this disorder. I may experience the worst of the worst, but I also get to experience the best of the best. And those are the moments I live for. For pure happiness. It’s like being so high that nothing can touch you. At that moment, you feel like nothing can hurt you and it’s perfect.But here are the positive sides to this condition that are underestimated.

  • My relationships with people mean everything to me. I have a big heart and care about everyone in my life. I have listened and been there for people long after I should have. I have cared for people long after they stopped caring for me. I have been there for people I barely know and I have listened to people that needed me.
  • As someone who is so emotionally sensitive, I can generally read people’s emotions better than others. I can tell you when people are agitated because I have to go through it every day. I can signs that seem so obvious to me yet others wouldn’t even acknowledge them.
  • I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve lived in toxic situations and had people that are supposed to love me unconditionally trigger me and not care. Every day I wake up in a toxic house, filled with toxic people. And the day I get out of here, I won’t look back. Sure, some days look like I’ll never get out of here, but that hasn’t stopped me trying. I’ve been lied to and abused. I’ve been raped and neglected. Yet I still wake up with a little bit of hope that things may be okay. I’ve looked into the devils eyes and told him that he will not take me. I’ve been strong when every fibre of my body was telling me to quit. So yes, I’m emotional, but ask my best friends, they will tell you that I’m one of the strongest people they have ever met. I’m strong because if I wasn’t, I’d have killed myself long ago.
  • Having BPD, means that I have become more creative because I tap into emotions that others can’t understand. I can write, act, and interpret things that others wouldn’t even dream of. Some of the greatest writers had forms of mental health problems such as Ernest Hemingway and Virginia Woolf. They both suffered dramatically yet their books are a part of culture.
  • I am passionate about so many things and yet it’s a blessing and a curse. It means that I will not give up fighting even when I should. It means that people who refuse to open their minds frustrate me. It means that I will argue with people when I believe their wrong even if it means losing them. But it also means I won’t back down. I won’t stop fighting for what I want.

Living with BPD is hard because we have so many triggers. Some of them are rational whilst others are stupid and these are just a few.

  • Being ignored or feeling like I’m ignored, starts off the abandonment and rejection. It’s like a reminder that I’m not worth their time or effort. It’s hard because I already feel that way and getting ignored just confirms it. Then I feel like I need to repair the situation which also makes it worse.
  • Being told to calm down when I’m not angry. That starts a series of emotions that result in anger.
  • When my feelings are invalidated like “it’s just going to happen until you change it”, “you’re way too emotional for me”, “well that’s a bit over the top”… whilst these comments may be true, you’re basically telling me that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do instead of helping me cope with how I’m feeling.
  • When people tell me how to parent my daughter. This grates as my mood all the time. This will come from people that have a massive part to answer for why I am the way that I am. It’s the same people that live to invalidate me. It’s the same people that would tell me that they don’t care if they trigger my bad moods because they are right.
  • When the older generation say things like “well it was acceptable in my day”… really? People were punished for who they loved, people were invalidated and degraded because you people believed it was right. No. Just because in your day it was acceptable doesn’t make it right. A prime example was when three people that are atleast ten years older than me, told me that it was acceptable for a person to say to a child that their parents leaving them was their fault for misbehaving. That creates so many problems that the older generation are naive too.

Now for some statistics. 7/10 people will try to kill themselves whilst living with this disease. 1 in every 10 of us, will achieve suicide. This comes from not feeling good enough, from feeling like a burden and from believing the worst thoughts in their head. Nearly all of us will have some form of self harm or self destructive behaviour and we can’t stop them. We try and most of the time we fail. And even though that failure confirms how we feel inside, we still try and stop ourselves. Sometimes we feel too much and others we don’t anything at all. We feel like a contradiction.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov

This is my first post dedicated to BPD, I’m a bit late as I’ve started it on the 6th. But every day I want to educate and inform people about something that needs more awareness. I’ll be writing about triggers in more detail as well as some of the more positive sides. I’ll tell you all about the different sides of this condition, explain what it means to have and be a favourite person to someone with BPD as well as how I’m managing to live with the biggest emotional range I’ve ever experienced. Thank you for reading and I hope you have an amazing day. As always, check me out on twitter or insta by searching OpenUpWithMe and drop me a message. Until the next time. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Health❤️

Opening up is easy when you don’t have to look into someone’s eyes and feel their emotion…

Do you know what its like to be a walking-talking contradiction? To feel so much and yet feel nothing at all. To have one simple thing such as a look or a word and know that all control you had, just flew out of the window? To want to be alone but scared of your own feelings? Because, I do.

To me, every day is a challenge and sometimes it’s one I lose. I have days that are pure bliss and days that are torture. Days that start off with me smiling and laughing and one small simple thing will throw my day into disaster and I can’t control it. Its not that I want to lose control of my sanity and emotions, its just my emotions are so strong that they become unbearable. They are so intense that it feels like my entire body is engulphed in webbing and I have no power. My arms are stuck, and my body just watches as my mind takes control. I do not wish to be like this. I don’t like being so scared that people are gonna leave, because I can’t even handle it, so I feel like asking that of other people is absurd.

How can I trust people to understand it when I can’t? How do you explain to people you care about, that you feel everything? That your mind will jump to the worst thought at the slight glimpse of something negative and turn to complete happiness at the smallest bit of something positive. How do I explain to people that their feelings matter more to me than my own sometimes? How do I explain to others that I don’t mean my outbursts, that my emotions replace logic? That during ‘episodes’, I can’t think straight, I don’t see logic or reason, I just see pain. How do you explain to a normal brain, that I physically need to be reassured every day because fear and doubt are powerful even when it’s not magnified?

I feel sad and pathetic because I am needy. I am the person that needs to be told that, what’s triggered my bad moods are all in my head. That just because I may be feeling down and upset that it’s not a correct image of how things are. And that the world is never as dark as what my brain would have me believe. I am my own worst critic and trust me, nobody will ever be able to hurt me the way I manage to hurt myself.

People call me toxic because I am over sensitive and over emotional. The truth is, I can be toxic because I care too much. Because I don’t know the best ways to explain how I feel and because I don’t know why I get so easily triggered. I can be toxic because I forgive everyone I care about, even when the wrong they did doesn’t deserve it but that grows the fear that triggers me. I can be toxic because I overcompensate. I can be toxic because during my episodes, I have no control. But that doesn’t mean that I am. That doesn’t make me toxic, it means I need help not judgement.

I don’t believe it when people tell me they care. I don’t because I don’t understand how they could care. I know that during my ‘episodes’ I cling to people and that in turn can drive people away. I know that I am overwhelming sometimes, but just spare a thought for how overwhelming it must be for me. To have a million and one things going through your brain, that are triggered by what seems to be such small things for other people, can be 1000x worse for me and that is every small thing. The only problem is, I can’t turn my feelings off. I can’t even stop being triggered. I wish I could. Because if I could, I would be able to stop the almost instant rush of emotion that comes over me. If I had better control, I would be able to limit my reaction to being triggered and hopefully one day I can. But at the moment I can’t, and I hate myself for it.

It’s not that I need constant attention, but I do need people more than they will ever need me. It means that I need others to reassure me that it’s going to be okay because on my dark days, things are pitch black and it doesn’t help that I’m afraid of the dark. Not the darkness just what’s lurking in it. And I need the people I love to help keep me grounded, to help light the days that seem impossible. I need to learn control and soon. Because I know there are times where I am overbearing and frustrating, and I am sorry that my nearest and dearest must go through this with me. Because my head is awful. Trying to control my brain before I speak is exhausting. I go and talk to someone about how I’m feeling and it’s the most exhausting experience I could imagine. I can talk for England, so when they tell me to open up, I literally just pour out and attempt to release everything that is on my mind at that moment and there’s a lot. Usually, I come back and sleep because bottling it up is draining but opening up is worse when you feel everything.

I suffer with horrendous self-doubt and self-destruction. Once I’m triggered and rational thinking goes out the window, I am left with negative energy and its not just a little. One little comment such as why aren’t you smiling, and I could explode. Not because I’m offended by something so trivial but because you don’t see what I feel, you don’t understand that at that moment I have a million things that I am trying to hold back and that’s why I’m not smiling. That as soon as you asked that question, I filled with rage and anger because I was trying so hard to be okay. Because I had battled my demons all day, only to basically be told that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. Which then confirms the doubts and that’s it. But it’s not you that I’m angry at, it just comes across that way sometimes.

I always feel like I’m not enough because I’m too much. I feel like I’m trapped, and nobody can see what’s binding me. I don’t think highly of myself, I haven’t done for a very long time. I honestly believe that I am a horrible person; because I say the wrong things at the wrong time, because I lash out and lose control, because I hurt the people I love, because during my ‘episodes’ I self-destruct as I can’t see that people care. I lash out because when I’m hurting, it’s so much more that just pain. It’s torture. It’s every negative thought and doubt screaming at me that no one cares, that I’m alone because nobody understands what its like to be over sensitive to something like feelings. So, I isolate myself and build walls because then when I lash out, nobody gets hurt but me. I prefer it that way. Because every time I hurt someone else, I fill with extreme guilt and then I have to punish myself. I love my friends and my family dearly, but I go to sleep every night feeling like a burden because I’m too much. I go to sleep scared and alone. Isolated by the thoughts that drown out rational thinking and logic, thoughts that spin every negative into something much worse because its more extreme, thoughts that tell me they deserve better.

So yeah, I feel more intense emotions than many people will ever come to realise, but it also means that my love is far stronger than I could ever relay. It means that although I am easily triggered, it’s because I care so much, and I can’t control it. It means that happiness can literally make me cry because I can’t contain it. I would do absolutely anything for the people I love, all they would have to do is ask. It means that I will always look for the best in people, because I know just how complex things can really get. My emotions may be either extreme and flick between the two, my reactions may be quick, and I may be easily irritated and upset, but the people who really know me, would all say that my flaws are outweighed by my quirks. That I inspire them and they’re stronger for knowing me. That I have pushed them to follow their dreams and stood by them all the way.

So, to all the people that I burned bridges with whilst you were still on them, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I lost control and couldn’t explain why. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be what you needed, and I really do wish you all the best. But I will not be sorry for my feelings, the same way I’d never ask you to be sorry for yours. I get it. More than you could ever understand. To my nearest and dearest, I am sorry that some days it seems like I’m set out to hurt you, its not you that I’m lashing out at. I’m sorry that I can’t let you see how I feel but I wouldn’t wish you to experience the extremes that come with being emotionally sensitive. I’m sorry that you get caught in the crosshairs. And to the people I have yet to meet, good luck. I hope you meet me in a time where I have better control, when my triggers aren’t the ones controlling me. But know that I will never stop being emotionally sensitive. And yes, that will be too much for some people and that’s okay. Because when I’m upset, its too much for me too and I don’t feel worthy of the love and support that I have so I would agree with you. But when I’m levelled out, I know I am worth so much more than people give me credit for. That my flaws don’t define me, and my personality isn’t a flaw, my emotions aren’t a flaw, control is.

 

I am who I am. I’m through being made to feel sorry for feeling. Take me as I am or leave. Ferrari❤️