Friendship.

I don’t know where I’d be without my friends. I’m one of the luckiest girls because even though I don’t feel it, I have one of the greatest support networks. I have the greatest friends and this is a post all to them to say thank you. To me each one of my very close friends have shaped me in ways that I could never truly thank them for. They are the family we choose and my goodness, I definatly chose right. My friends are the ones that put up with me through choice and not obligation. They could have walked away at any point and they haven’t. They see me at my weakest and love me regardless.

Lemon; The girl that I first met, hated me. Probably with good reason but its true. I am not the easiest person to get along with and yet here she is a decade later a completely different woman and my best friend! I love this girl for so many reasons. She is the epitome of strength. I have seen this girl at her lowest and she is still the strongest mother I know! The last decade has shown her many things but she has never lost herself in the process. She is loyal and kind, two traits that are rare to find in someone. It doesn’t matter that we go weeks without speaking, I could speak to her and nothing would have changed. She still carries the biggest smile for the guys in her life and she puts them above everyone. I haven’t seen her in a few years due to being mothers and finding a balance isn’t the easiest but, I know that even at my lowest, she’s there, without question, without hesitation and without her, I’d have lost myself so many times.

(Since writing this, I spent a few nights with her and it was amazing! It was like the last 5 years hadn’t happened.)

My lemon and my little lady❤️

Piggy; She is my sister because of not only have we lived together and driven eachother crazy but because I love her and would do abosolutely anything for her. We have fallen out and every time it has been our children that brought us together. We have a bond that others question but we have come out the other side. She is completely bonkers and by far one of the greatest people you will ever meet. This woman is a mother, a carer, a bottom washer but she’s also a friend, a listener, and a comedian. Her laugh is contagious and gets her in trouble but it’s one I hope she never loses. When she lets you in to the person she really is, you see how pure and honest her heart is, and she needs to know how proud she makes me.

Even though she wants to kill me sometimes, she doesn’t cause she loves me deep down. Like way deep. In her toes. ❤️

LouLou; Her hair is the reason we are friends! It was her bright blue hair that made me click that we would be great friends. And she is. She’s been my valentines when our partners were busy, she’s been my singing partner on the back of the bus and she is the reason I got to see Ed Sheeran! She is down to earth and humble, loving and welcoming. She could be having the worst day and she’d never let you know because when she’s around others, she loses her fears and embraces the surroundings. I admire her more than she knows and respect her opinion more than most. She is the least judgemental person I know and can get along with anyone. She brings out the best in me and I couldn’t change her.

My LouLou with my leading lady❤️

Kingan; He makes me the luckiest girl alive because, well, he gave me our beautiful daughter who is beyond perfect in every way. He is an amazing father and that is something that when you see them together, you’d never doubt. Their bond makes me love him more and more each day because it’s beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He is my rock and my stability. He keeps me grounded even when he doesn’t realise it and I couldn’t thank him enough. I have trouble letting him in, some days I even tell him to leave and he doesn’t. I push him away more than anyone else because he makes me the most vulenerable and it’s something I know I need to work on. But he loves me every day and there isn’t a day where I have ever doubted that. He is level headed and I love him for it because when I do open up, he listens and tells me if he thinks I overstepped. Kieran is my man child and I love him beyond words.

Our little family ❤️

Jake; this is one of the hardest to write because right now we aren’t even talking but I will always consider him a friend. He cared about me when I gave up. He is the reason I am still standing. Because when I was at my lowest, he took the time to make sure I didn’t give up. Granted, I didn’t want the police involved but I know he did it because he cares. He’s truly a blessing, even when he doesn’t see it. Now I know he doubts himself, but I’ve seen him turn from a boy to a man and even though we argue ALOT, he is stronger and more determined that he realises. And I hope he never gives up on his dream, even when he receives hate, he still comes back and uploads another video and gets more contacts for his dream. I am proud of you, and I will always be here.

If you’re into non league football, go and check him out.

I couldn’t thank you guys enough. You’re the best friends a girl could ask for. You all put up with my outbursts and don’t hate me for it. Even when I lose all control. You’ve all put up with more than I ever thought possible, but it’s shown me that I am worthy of it. You guys are amazing and each one of you mean the world to me. Thank you. I love you all. ❤️

I don’t even know…

I could really go to town on myself today. It’s an extremely bad day and I really don’t feel like myself at all. Physically, I am exhausted. I slept for like two and a half hours and woke up feeling worse. Mentally, I’m defeated. My brain has been in overdrive all day and nothing is distracting it.

I feel bad because I had a piece in mind. A piece that I spent so long writing and yet I criticised it at every turn. I have had so many people drumming in the negatives that it’s all I see when I’m writing. I mean there are things that I know I still need to come to terms with. Things that I need to stop punishing myself over because it wasn’t my fault and people’s words that I need to forget. I wrote three different documents about triggers and it was extremely emotional to write. I think that’s part of why I can’t share it at the moment. It’s still really real and very hard to accept. But I feel like I’ve let you guys down. Because this isn’t the post I promised.

I spent a chunk of today asleep because I was drained and exhausted. I slept through my baby brother and sister coming over and I feel gutted about it. I missed out on a really cute moment between Luna and Beaudicea and I’m kicking myself over it. I haven’t really done anything today. And that in turn has made me feel lazy. Add that with the extra sleep, and we’ll I’m just a mess.

I thought when I started this blog, that it would be my way of coping because I can write a lot better than I speak, and it’s easier to write how I feel rather than say it. But I can’t. I have so many things that I can’t talk about because it will hurt a lot of people. Things I can’t talk about because I will receive criticism and crude remarks. Things I can’t talk about because I still can’t cope with thinking about let alone writing. I thought that if I could help one person by writing my blog, I’d feel like I could make a difference. Yet, I can’t even get out of bed right now so how can I make a difference?

I was having a down day and yet two of my good friends messaged me words of encouragement without prompting. My lemon messaged me out of the blue and told me that it was okay to have a nap, and take time for myself because my body must have needed it. It wasn’t me being lazy. And that helped. Some how she knew that I was kicking myself and sent me exactly what I needed to read. Another friend told me that how even when I feel weak and defeated, that I’m still one of the strongest people he knows, and that I shouldn’t give up fighting. And they are how I know I am making a difference.

My friends are amazing, my daughter and my best friends are the reason that I could never give up. They are my strength. They would use words like strength and determination, caring and loving, funny and contagious smile to describe me. Words I may not agree with but still. They say that I help them because I can go through hell and smile so they can do it too. And although I feel humbled, I’m not a good example. My best friends will tell you how I got them through some of their darkest days by being me and I know that I made a difference.

So although today maybe a bad day, I had enough and just couldn’t face it, they helped me remember why I do. They make me smile till my face aches and laugh like a baboon, they love and support me even when I can’t love myself. If you’re having a bad day, look at all then look at the people closest to you, because I can guarantee that they are the difference that you make. Even on your darkest days, they are the difference you make every day. I know that I wouldn’t be me without my best friends or my daughter. And that I never want to be without them.

Thank you for reading my jumble. I appreciate it. And I hope your days are a lot better than mine. Ferrari. ❤️

Positive Thought #4

I didn’t miss #3, it’s on Instagram @openupwithme and on Facebook @openupwithmeblog.

Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it. – Bear Grylls

Today could be a bad day. I’m tucked up in bed shivering with a headache and pains all down my side from coughing so much. I feel so drained and defeated. But I refuse to let that keep me down. I mean normally I’d hate the fact that I’m cooped up in bed whilst the day passes me by, but I know my Addisons and if I don’t take this time for myself, I’ll end up even worse.

Even though I hate the idea of being tucked up under a cover, I’m gonna make the most of my bed rest and read another one of the books I got for Christmas. I’m going to get lost in the pages and focus on something else. I get to forget all about what’s going on in my life and lose myself in the characters in whatever story takes my fancy.

But before I started to lose myself in my book whilst Luna went for her nap, I faced two things. Despite how rough I felt, I still managed to get the courage to face some fears of mine.

1. The dentist. I know so many people that are afraid of the dentist and all of them are much braver than I am. When I was younger, I would go to dentist and have no worries and no fear. I would sit in that chair and knew that my teeth were perfect. That was until I was about 8 or 9. I had to have my first filling and the dentist was an asshole. My mum was an asshole. That day, I had a nurse and my mum physically restraining me whilst this dentist waved around a needle to numb my gums. I was fine with having a filling but the second I saw the needle I freaked! I was panicking and hyperventilating to the point I couldn’t have it done. My mum called me so many names, told me I was a baby and needed to stop being pathetic. And every time I got in the chair after that, people were on call so I could be retrained whilst the dentist checked my teeth. When I developed my eating disorder, my teeth got terrible. The stomach acid I was bringing up, was rotting my teeth and I refused to go to the dentist. I couldn’t quite manage it. I was 21 before I managed to get the courage to have my teeth fixed. I was going once a month to be sedated and having them fixed slowly but it was great. It took me a few visits to get in the chair but the lady at Guys Hospital was incredible! She wouldn’t force me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with, she spoke to me, she let me listen to my music and would always make sure I had a sugary drink next to me in case my blood pressure dropped. See, Addisons can cause complications, and when having any sort of stress, we are made to double our tablets to ensure that our body can cope. Throw in a phobia of needles and dentists and I turn into a wreck. But, being at guys, there is an endocrinologist in the same building and only once have they needed to get him to make sure I was okay. Today however, I’ve managed to sort out my referral and will again being having my teeth fixed by Guys Hospital.

The second being getting the courage to book a cervical cancer smear. After I had given birth to Luna, I had to be examined because of the c-section and the pains that were appearing, and found out there was a legion on my cervix. I went to that appointment alone and scared. I dreaded going and got myself into a right mess. Thankfully, it was just due to the pregnancy rather than anything more sinister. But after having it happen to my mum and her having the lump removed by a laser, I’ve been paranoid ever since. I’ve made the appointment twice before and chickened out both times. So today, I made the appointment and come next week, I will be making sure that I’m okay.

So sure, I’m actually quite sick. I’ve spent most of the day either asleep or with the blanket over my head because it was pounding that much. The pain is so intense that it’s taken me all day to write this post. But I did it! I managed to keep the sickness and pain at bay long enough to press send. But that’s not what I’m proud of. Today, I’m proud that even though I may have my fears, I will not live my life hiding from them anymore. ❤️

Positive Thought #2

Every cloud has a silver lining. You just have to look for it.

A little under a month ago, I attended an assessment of my mental health at my local hospital. I was referred there after being told there was a strong possibility I had BPD and it would be the only way I would know for sure. I attended said appointment and it was awful. I’m not going to sugarcoat. I was a wreck and I felt like I left in a worse state than when I went in. He said another appointment would be in the post but I’m still under assessment.

Fast forward to today and I received two letters from the hospital. The first stating that I had my next assessment appointment come through and the second was my care plan. Because I’m still under assessment as “I have a long history” (their words not mine. Talk about make me feel like I’m loosing my marbles. What they meant to say was, it’s not easy because for a 25 year old female, I’ve had to deal with a fair amount of crap) and we had time constraints. The second point being that I need to see a psychotherapist because he doesn’t believe counselling will help, because he believes I need something more long term.

Normally, this would send me into an anger I can’t get back from. However, I am trying to see the positives. I mean sure, I have a letter confirming I do need help but it’s more than I had last week. I mean sure come the 17th, I’m going to want to cry my eyes out but maybe, just maybe it will help. Maybe, if I actually just stop worrying that I won’t be okay and believe I might be, it won’t be looming around like a bad smell.

I’m one step closer to being able to get my head back to thinking straight. I mean I know it’s not going to happen overnight but the steps are there. And I want you guys to know that you can do it too. Your mental health is important and you are the only person that can make it better. But you have to speak up.

Believe me, I know how hard it is to want to talk when every fibre inside you is telling you not too. I know that most days you don’t even want to get out of bed. That doing normal things like brushing your hair, getting dressed and taking a shower become some of the most difficult. There were days I didn’t want to get out of bed. There were days I wouldn’t shower or get dressed. There were days I was a disgusting slob and I didn’t care. But not this year!

Yesterday, I refused to let myself stay down and sure I was tired and drained from the night before but I managed to get myself out of bed and to socialise with people. I managed to sit and play with daughter without needing anyone else there because I finally felt I could. I know there are days where I haven’t given Kieran the credit he deserves because my goodness he puts up with a lot. And it’s about time I started to dip my toes.

He has been both parents most of the time. He looks after our daughter every day. I have tried. My goodness I try but I know I could do more. I love my daughter more than I ever thought possible but I haven’t been anywhere near as good as a mum as I can. I can’t remember the last time I changed my daughters nappy, put her to bed or even gave her a bath. I can’t remember the last time I read her a story or got her dressed. Kieran does all those things and so much more. To begin with, I breastfed her, I got her dressed and I would bathe her, all with him but i knew he could leave me alone and I would still be fit to look after her. Not so much at the moment.

Now I can tell you that even though I have been at my weakest, I have still cuddled her every time she cried, I have still sung to her at times when she wouldn’t relax and I have sat and listened to music with her dancing. But that’s not enough. And she deserves so much more. But I have tried. Today however, we sat and sang songs and played for an hour this morning. We had time together that I missed so much! And because of her, I knew I was gonna be strong today. Because she needed me to be. So I got up, I got dressed and did my make up and went into town by myself. I may have had a massive panic attack in town and not stay there for very long but I did it and nobody can take that away. I may not have got everything I would have liked done, but I did get what I needed done. And today, even a little bit off a long list is okay.

It’s day two and today, even a little was enough because that’s still more than I did yesterday. So remember, It’s okay that you didn’t get everything you would have wanted done, because you got something done and even if that’s just getting out of bed. That’s worth be proud of. Don’t let your mind dictate what can and can’t be a good day. Let the bad things pass and focus on the things you did today! Because what ifs and could haves aren’t as important as the things you’ve accomplished when you felt like you couldn’t do anything.

I love you guys and thanks for reading. ❤️

Positive thought #1

To live would be an awfully big adventure. – Peter Pan

I said I wanted to post one positive thought a day in order to encourage myself to think more positively about life. It may not just be on my blog, but it will be on Twitter and the page dedicated to the blog on insta and Facebook. And today, I wanted my positive thought to be about appreciation.

Most people around the world would have celebrated New Years by now, which means it’s the start of 2019. A lot of people, myself included would have gotten drunk and celebrated the new year whilst others probably slept. But it’s still the start of a whole year.

This year can have endless possibilities. This year starts off blank and we get to fill in each day like it’s a page. And we have the choices on what we put in there and what we don’t. So let’s make this the best year yet.

I want to thank so many of you that have stood by my side throughout last year. I want to thank those that messaged me words of encouragement when I need it the most. I want to thank those that helped pick me up each and every day without once complaining. I know I can be a handful and those that are still here help me see that I’m still worth it.

Every single person that has read any of my blog posts from last year. Thank you. Thank you for taking time out to read the words I write and the emotions I displayed. Thank you to those that have shared my blog with others. It means a lot. I’m thankful that you guys help me write. Whether it’s my blog or my novel, I gain inspiration most days from you guys. And I thank you.

I’m thankful that I get to have the most beautiful daughter I could ever imagined. She’s truly perfect and I couldn’t ask for anything more. I’m thankful to the people who love me more than I love myself at the moment. Because that love is what truly says more than I ever could. I’m thankful that I have the most caring, loving, devoted father in Kieran because he would move heaven and earth if he could for that little girl. And that’s all I ever wanted for her.

Im thankful that I’m still fighting. My Addisons hasn’t and won’t beat me, my mental health hasn’t and won’t beat me. People haven’t and won’t beat me. I will not become a shadow of who I am to please what people want me to be. I’m thankful for who I am because I am one hell of a kick ass woman and I will not be defeated!

Thank you to everyone who helped me in 2018 and may this year be so much better for you. ❤️