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A-Z of my favourite movies!

I was thinking about posts that I could do every month, to give my readers something to look forward to, so I started googling blog ideas for women and I came across one that said why not do an ABC list of certain topics and I honestly loved this idea. My next step was picking a good topic that would help you readers get to know me a little bit but still making it interesting, so I thought, lets start with films. After all, it could give you some ideas on films to watch during this quarantine period. I haven’t included any Disney Films as that has its own list coming out tomorrow, so be sure to check back.

A – A Little Princess (1995); This is probably my favourite film of all time. If you’ve been following my blog for the last few years, you would know as I’ve mentioned this before but it’s a film about a little girl who ends up being a servant at an all-girls boarding school because her father is lost at war. If you haven’t seen this film, I would strongly recommend it.

B – Blended (2014); I am a massive Adam Sandler fan! I also absolutely love Drew Barrymore… You will see that both these two and they will appear a few times on this list. Adam Sandler has always been one of my favourite comedians and if it wasn’t blended, it would be Billy Madison, again, another Adam Sandler film. This is everything you would expect from this pairing, it’s a true rom com and I absolutely love the Sandler’s onscreen youngest daughter. She makes this film a ten in my opinion.

C – Clueless (1995); This is a typical chick flick. If you have seen the music video for Izzy Azalea – Fancy, you will see that parts of her video are based on this film. It’s about a girl who goes through high school and experiences different challenges like getting her licence and living up to parents’ standards. It’s based on the book Emma by Jane Austen.

D – Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999); This is a film I don’t believe many have seen. It stars Kirsten Dunst who is a girl who enters a beauty pageant, where contestants died in the process. It has trailer parks, drunks and murder all in one. It also shines a light on how serious people take these pageants in the US. You should watch it purely for comedic value!

E – Ever After (1998); This is an adaptation of Cinderella, one that interprets the story set by the Brothers Grimm. However, it tells the story of a girl called Danielle (played by Drew Barrymore), who captures the heart of the French prince in about the 16th century. I love this version of Cinderella more than any other and would strongly recommend.

F – Fast and Furious (Any except Tokyo Drift); I have nothing against Tokyo Drift, however if I had to list them starting with my favourites, that one would be at the bottom every time. I don’t know if it’s because it doesn’t have Vin Diesel in it or because there is no Paul Walker, but I don’t like it. However, the series in general, is one of my favourites. I love the fast cars and the action within the films. My favourite line of any of the films, is said by Dame Helen Mirren in the Fate of the Furious, and that’s when she refers to God’s Eye as the devils bumhole. Its brilliant!

G – Green Street (2005); I have seen this film so many times and it doesn’t matter how many times I watch it, the ending with Petey gets me every time! I’m not a massive fan of Elijah Wood, but I seriously love this film purely for Charlie Hunham. Not only is he appealing to look at, but he makes me fall for a hooligan every time I watch it. Curse you Hunham! It’s a film about football hooliganism and worth a watch.

H – Harry Potter (Any); This goes without saying but I am going to say it anyway, of course Harry Potter made my list. I’m crazy about the films and no doubt, if I do a book version of this list, it will probably make that too. I love these films; I love anything with magic and I personally believe that there isn’t a person alive who doesn’t know who Harry Potter is!

I – Inside man (2006); This is the first of a few action films on my list. It’s all about how they perform the perfect bank heist. I think this is a great film because it has a twist at the end. I mean every person performing the heist, get away with it and there is no death, which is always a plus. I would recommend watching it if you’re into action films.

J – Just Go with It (2011); The second Adam Sandler film, only this time it’s alongside Jennifer Aniston. The whole plot centres around a lie that Sandler says on a regular basis, and Aniston’s character must go along with it, and as typical Rom Com fashion, she ends up falling in love with him. To be honest, I think she always had a soft spot for him in the movie.

K – Kingsman The Secret Service (2014); How can anyone not love this film? It’s got Taron Egerton in it and it’s a film about spies! And not just any spies, gentleman spies. If you haven’t seen this film, I would strongly recommend because I think Egerton plays an amazing chav who wouldn’t harm a dog but would love to pop a cap in the bad guys.

L – Legally Blonde (2001); I have seen this film a thousand and one times! It was a big part in why I wanted to go off to university and study law. I mean there were other reasons, but I believed that if Elle Woods could pull it off, so could I. Turns out I wasn’t meant to be a lawyer, but she was! Plus, she gets to be a strong independent woman who gets to kick ass in a pink suit. That is a film that Luna will be watching when she is older.

M – Me Before You (2016); This film has made me cry every time I have watched the film and even so when I read the book. It’s a touching story about trying to give someone faith who lost all hope in a brighter future. I can’t write too much without spoiling it, but its honestly worth watching, just remember to have the tissues near by because it really is a tearjerker.

N – Never Been Kissed (1999); Yet another Drew Barrymore film, and one that I have loved since it first came out, and not only because it’s got her in it. It is about a girl who goes back to high school as an undercover journalist and tries to find the scoop. She also falls for her teacher. Tut tut! However, it stays true to 90’s chick flicks and I will forever watch this film.

O – Oscar (1991); This is probably one of the only films that is older than I am. The whole premise of this film is about a guy who promises his dying father that he will no longer be a crook and tries his hardest to keep that promise, despite getting tested at every corner. P.S, the character ‘Oscar’ is only on screen for about 30 seconds.

P – Peter Pan (2003); I LOVE Peter Pan, and no this isn’t the cartoon version. It’s the live action film with Jeremy Sumpter. It’s by far my favourite Peter Pan film although I do love the Tinkerbell series. It’s got action, pirates and of course Pan turns pink after receiving a thimble… I guess you could say that “I do believe in fairies, I do, I do.”

Q – The Queen (2006); Dame Helen Mirren is an actual star and I love per portrayal of our Queen in such a marvellous way. Not only does she have the right mannerisms and looks very similar, but she’s also the only person I could ever see playing the Queen, although others have done it since.

R – Raising Helen (2004); Raising Helen is a film starring Kate Hudson and is all about raising her sister’s children after they die in an accident. Helen doesn’t believe she’s the right pick as her sister already has children and would have made a better parental figure, however their deceased sister didn’t agree. You get to watch Hudson grow as she learns to raise three children, one of which is a teenage girl.

S – Snatch (2000); If you haven’t seen this film, I suggest you close whatever you’re reading this on and go and watch it! It’s a typical British film all about a diamond and it stars Jason Statham, what could be better? It’s got bare knuckle boxing, Irish accents and Vinnie Jones. It’s such a classic film, that I really don’t want to say much without spoiling it but go and watch it now! You won’t regret it!

T – Time Travellers Wife (2009); This film has time travel, love and a sad ending. What more can you want from a romance film? A guy can jump back and forth between time and ends up meeting his future wife when she’s a child… I know how creepy! However, it’s a good film, and worth watching if you’re into a bit of romantic sci-fi.

U – Up (2009); The only Disney film to make it onto this list because I couldn’t think of another beginning with U. Not going to lie. It’s a sweet film about an old guy who just wants to go on an adventure, he also makes his house fly with a lot of balloons. Plus, it has talking dogs and who doesn’t love it when dogs chase squirrels?

V – Vantage Point (2008); Vantage point is an action film taken from many different points of view, giving you a bit more information each time as to who is behind the attempted assassination of the president. It’s interesting, and if you pay attention, you’ll have it figured out sooner than you think. After all, so many lives are connected by one event, and it’s interesting to see how they all play their part in the aftermath of the event.

W – Waterboy (1998); The last Adam Sandler film on my list! I love this film because its all about how a waterboy(man) manages to work his way onto the team by being one hell of a tackler. However, I think the mum played by Kathy Bates is what makes this film special to me.  Any scene with her in, has me in stitches.

X – xXx (2002); It’s Vin Diesel… do I need to say more? It’s an action film with someone who has a problem with authority. I’m pretty sure it’s the first scene with Vin in it that sees him blow up a car in a stunt in order to make a point. If that doesn’t catch your attention, then I don’t know what will.

Y – Yours, Mine and Ours (2005); This film has one of my favourite quotes in it, “homes are for free expressions, not first impressions” and with a family that big, I’m not surprised. Eighteen children, two adults and a whole lot of shenanigans is what is in store if you decide to watch this film. However, it is cute how the families finally blend by the end of the film and work on getting the parents back together after breaking them in the first place.

Z – Zoolander (2001); Of course, I ended on this film! It’s hysterical! Ben Stiller is comedic gold and I think he plays a dumb model very well. The whole movie is a joke, from start to finish but it will have your sides splitting most of the way through. Plus, you have Will Ferrell playing a bad guy… I mean say what?

Well thank you for taking the time to read my A-Z of my favourite films and can I say that finding films that I love for each letter was harder than you think. I had letters that had four or five options whilst others had one, however, I really enjoyed sharing a part of my movie taste with you guys. Do you have any films that you think I left out? What are some of your favourite movies? Let me know by either leaving a comment below, finding me on Facebook, twitter or Instagram and get in touch. I’d love to hear from you. I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re keeping safe and healthy and as always, don’t lose your smile.

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Sexual Assault Awareness Month!

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_Assault_Awareness_Month

So, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I thought it would be a topic worth discussing on my blog. Sexual Assault is a horrible thing to go through and no person alive should have to go through it.

A description of sexual assault found on the Met website goes by this “The overall definition of sexual or indecent assault is an act of physical, psychological and emotional violation in the form of a sexual act, inflicted on someone without their consent. It can involve forcing or manipulating someone to witness or participate in any sexual acts.

Not all cases of sexual assault involve violence, cause physical injury or leave visible marks. Sexual assault can cause severe distress, emotional harm and injuries which can’t be seen – all of which can take a long time to recover from. This is why we use the term ‘assault’ and treat reports just as seriously as those of violent, physical attacks.” [1]

At the age of 13, I engaged in a sexual relationship with an 18-year-old. This was not a typical relationship and should never have happened. However, it did, and I can’t go back in time and change what happened. Although, I technically gave consent, I was still underage, and it’s considered as Statutory Rape within the UK. He used many different phrases and techniques in order to keep me “under his spell” and now thinking about him makes me feel physically sick. I didn’t know back then but he was purely using me for sex and as a toy. He didn’t care about my feelings and wouldn’t have cared the emotional distress that he put in for years afterwards.

And then fast forward to the 1st of August, I had to endure being held down and strangled whilst my then boyfriend had sex with me. He woke me up and didn’t care that I didn’t want it, he continued. He held me down and strangled me until I lost consciousness and I don’t remember much. It was supposed to be a romantic night of us sleeping under the stars in a tent, however that romantic night turned sour and it was the start of what would be a reoccurring problem. I wish I could say that it only happened once, when he was going through a tough time, but the truth was, it wasn’t. It happened repeatedly and I had no one to talk to.

I’m not telling you this to get said people into trouble, hence why no names have taken place. I am writing to tell you that these attacks have made me the person that I am today. There are nights where I wake up in a jolt because of nightmares. There are days where I have paranoia that they are going to come back and destroy me a little bit more, but the truth is, I know they will never get close enough to hurt me. I may have PTSD because of some negative people but that doesn’t define me. They made their choices, and I swear I will not let their choices define who I am or where I go in life.

I want everyone who has ever had someone touch them without their consent, to those that have had to endure a person force their advances without their consent, you are fighters and their actions aren’t because of who you are! You are not responsible for them or their actions. You did not deserve their actions and you are stronger than they can ever be. You may not feel it right away, but you will get passed it. It may take therapy, it may take a tonne of drugs and bad choices, but you will beat their actions because you have it in you.

I know that for the longest time I believed that I deserved it. That I was responsible for the things that happened to me. I thought that if I had been a better person, it wouldn’t have happened. But that simply is not true. I never asked for them to do what they did. And after it happened, I felt that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because of shame or belief that they wouldn’t believe me. I had to live in fear that they would come back and harm me again. I had to have their images repeated in my brain for years because I didn’t open up to anyone. That probably did more harm than good because in stead of facing those demons that they left behind, I hid from them. I found ways to escape. I believed the lies that it was all my fault and that no one would ever care because I had become damaged goods. I have scars left behind from their touch, but those scars are now a reminder. A reminder that I am stronger than ever because they will never reach me again.

So many people don’t come forward when it comes to sexual abuse for so many reasons. They could have been drinking or taking drugs, they could know the person responsible, they may be living in fear but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t come forward. I know I never did because I was scared of wrecking someone’s life like the way they wrecked mine. I was scared that I would be ignored or told that I was making it up. I was scared for the families that I knew personally and how they would react. I feared being judged by people that had no clue, but honestly, a part of me wishes I had come forward so many times.

Now, to the people that have committed these acts, why? Why did you feel the need to damage someone mentally and physically because you couldn’t take no as an answer? Why did you feel that your needs were more important that theirs? How would you feel if your sister or aunts or daughters had to go through the atrocious acts that you put on others? Why can’t you keep your hands to yourself and act on reciprocation and consent? You are wrecking more than your own life by not keeping your hands and actions clean.

I want all my followers to know that there are many people you can talk to about being abused. Police and therapists are the key people, because they can help you get justice for yourself. But also, you can reach out to me. I will always be available to listen without judgement and without fear of it going any further. I also want you all to think about your actions. Don’t do anything against someone’s will and just don’t be a dick. If anyone wants to reach me, you can get in touch via my Facebook page, twitter or Instagram. I will always answer. I hope the future sees a decrease in sexual assaults because no person on this planet deserves that kind of torment. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re keeping healthy and isolating. And as always, keep smiling, even when it hurts.


[1] https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/rsa/rape-and-sexual-assault/what-is-rape-and-sexual-assault/

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Quotes I love!

Right now, with the world being such an uncertain place, I thought I’d share with you some quotes that I absolutely love. All these quotes mean a lot to me and have helped me out in ways I can’t express. Some of them have come from films and others are things people have said that have stuck with me. I will try my hardest to find the original person to say the quote where possible but if I can’t, I’ll write where I heard it or found it.

Harry Potter Quotes

I love Harry Potter so much, that there are quite a few quotes from either the books or films that I embrace as much as I can.

Wit beyond measure is mans greatest treasure. – Luna Lovegood; Okay, so this quote is part of the reason my daughter is called Luna… Maybe that’s a lie, she’s called Luna because I love the character and what she stands for. In a world that tries to make us all ‘normal’, she embraces her quirkiness and stands out in a crowd. And if Luna can have even a small part of that, then I know no one will be able to tell her who to be. The quote itself is said by Rowena Ravenclaw and are the words for her house, but you hear them from Luna. This quote is about knowing your mind, because your intelligence is greatly valued in the world. Our brains are the greatest thing we have in our lives, they control our thinking and our actions. Without them, we would be robots who do what we are told. I refuse to let my brain down. So much goes on up there that I always try to get things written down and follow inspiration wherever it takes me.

Happiness can be found in the darkest of places if one only remembers to turn on the light. – Albus Dumbledore; Now this is a quote that I wanted on my wall around my light switch for a few reasons. I’m scared of the dark, not only the physical darkness but also the darkness that seems to control my mind, and this quote was my reminder that I can happiness, if I remember where to look. For example, Luna is a light switch. Every time I see her, I can’t help but remember that she is the brightest star in my night and will always keep me alive even when I feel at my weakest. We are in control of our happiness, so when we feel like we can’t go on, we just need to remember the things that brightened up our days beforehand.

The world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are. – Sirius Black; In a world that seems obsessed with documenting murders and rapists on every social outlet, its not all the world is. Not every person on this planet is bad, its just some of them made poor choices. We all can be either a good or bad person. We all have the power to be the nicest person we are capable of or be the meanest prick out there and that all comes from the choices we make. Sometimes we make bad choices, but that doesn’t make us bad people. If we continue to make bad choices and only bad choices, then we have chosen a path of darkness.

I tried to limit the number of quotes I used from Harry Potter because I could be here for days. Here are some other quotes that I absolutely love.

True wisdom comes to each of us when we realise how little we understand about life, ourselves and the world around us. – Socrates; I love this quote because it keeps me grounded. Life is full of unanswered questions and things that we just don’t understand. We aren’t meant to know all the answers, we are just meant to learn about our journeys and the things that impact it. Every day we are learning more about the people we are and the people we want to be, that’s why we change so much over the years. That doesn’t mean we should stop learning.

She feels more than you. You have to understand that about her. She feels the edge and the details of things and when she gets close to someone, she feels their happiness and pain. – JM Storm; This is just one of the quotes about Borderline Personality Disorder that I absolutely love. It explains a fraction of what is like to live in my brain. Our emotions are on a grander range than the average person. We feel so much more and sometimes it’s without reason. Our brains can be a scary place, but a little understanding can go a long way.

I couldn’t trust my own emotions. Which emotional reactions were justified, if any, and which ones were tainted by the mental illness of BPD? I found myself guarding and limiting my reactions, chastising myself for possible distortions and motivations. – Rachel Reiland; So, this is another quote about BPD, and again explains a little bit more. When it comes to most situations, I have a hard job trying to work out if I’m just overreacting or if my reaction is justified. Sometimes I feel like my feelings are a complete rationalisation of how I’m feeling but then others I feel like I can’t control it even though sometimes I really wish I could.

All you need is faith, trust and a little pixie dust. – Peter Pan; I absolutely love Peter Pan; it’s my favourite collection of stories and it was inevitable that I was going to use this one. I think in a world that has endless possibilities, why is it so hard to believe in fairies? Magic comes in many forms and this quote takes me back to my childhood where things were simpler, but imagination was on a bigger stage. It’s about having faith in something that seems impossible and trusting that it will happen and of course pixie dust and good thoughts if you want to fly.

Do not pray for an easy life; pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. – Bruce Lee; It’s no secret that I have had many things happen in my life, that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies but that has made me a stronger person. There were days that I thought I would never get through, and yet here I am surviving and pushing forward, even when times are difficult. I would never want an easy life because I wouldn’t have learnt the things that I have, but I have certainly found the inner strength to get through those tough moments.

Strength doesn’t come from what you can’t do. It comes from overcoming things you once thought you couldn’t. – Rikki Rogers; There are many things in this life that we thought were impossible. There are many times in my life, that I thought I couldn’t do something. I mean I never thought id be a mother, there were days where I thought I would just want to give up, yet every time that I haven’t given up, I’ve found the strength to continue even though deep down, I didn’t think I would make it through it. Everyone has more strength in them than they realise, it just takes difficult situations for you to realise that you have the power to be stronger than you ever thought.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? – George Carlin; My last quote is a question because it really got me thinking. If you try to fail but manage to succeed then although you failed, you succeeded at doing what you thought you couldn’t. But you could also look at it as in, if you’re trying to fail and succeed at failing, then you haven’t failed because you succeeded at doing what you wanted. What do you think?

What are some of your favourite quotes? They don’t have to be from films or songs but could also be things that someone has said that has stuck with you. Let me know by getting in touch, either leaving a comment below, through Facebook, Twitter or even Instagram. Thank you for taking the time to read my latest post, I truly appreciate it. I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re staying safe and healthy and don’t lose your reason for smiling.

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Quarantine; bored yet?

Is it me or does it feel like we’ve been stuck in quarantine for what seems like an eternity? I mean I completely understand why the limits are in place, but that doesn’t exactly mean that this is the most interesting my life has ever been. Its been a week and a half and I already feel like I am going to do something crazy.

There are only so many times you can clean the same four walls before you start making dirt just to clean it up afterwards. I should be embracing being stuck indoors 24/7 but the truth is, I’m just not. The simple things that would be a comfort right now are out the window. I get bored way too easily and feel like I have done everything possible. I really haven’t, I have plenty of books left to read for starters. However, it just feels like there is no end in sight.

I have been thinking about trying out a new skill. I mean I can already cook, but I was thinking about enhancing my baking skill… It’s been a while since I last baked anything, so it will probably turn out to be a disaster, but that’s the whole point about trying to improve on a new skill, right? You won’t get better if you don’t try. So, if I do, I will keep you updated on how badly it goes. I say badly because I don’t believe it’s going to go very well at all!

I have spent a lot of time looking out my balcony window and found that there are way too many people not sticking to the quarantine. On Thursday, there were about 20 people standing around the bus station, waiting to get on a bus and not one of them were 2ft away from the nearest person. They were all huddled in a bunch. I mean WHY would you use a bus. That’s like the quickest way to spread germs because you cannot stick to the 2ft away from people. But hey, what do I know? I’m not medically trained.

The only good thing I’ve found about being stuck in quarantine, is there is a lot more time to work on my blog and publishing posts. I mean it would help if my inspiration responded to the amount of free time I now seem to have. But apparently that isn’t the case. I can’t really see my family or my friends, Luna has more of a social life than I do, considering as she’s spending time here and with her dad still. But me, I’m stuck looking at buildings or buses, or watching tv. I am getting that sick and tired of quarantine, that I got jealous of my sims being able to free roam their world with no worry about getting seriously ill and dying. How sad!

What has everyone else been doing since we’re stuck in quarantine? Is anyone else finding it difficult and totally boring? Have you learned any new skills? Let me know by getting in touch on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. I hope whatever you are doing, you’re keeping safe and healthy during these uncertain times. Take care of yourselves and make sure that you check in on people that are probably feeling lonely right now. And no matter what you do, don’t lose your smile.

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10 Songs I Can’t Stop Listening To Right Now!

If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you will know that music is a massive part of my life. I love it! Considering the world is currently on lockdown and fearing for our health, I thought I would write a list of my 10 favourite songs that I cannot stop playing at the moment.

I’m Still Standing – Taron Egerton; I recently watched Rocketman and fell in love with Taron Egerton’s performance. He honestly does such a wonderful job; however, this wasn’t the first time I loved his performance of this song. Luna absolutely loves Sing so I have seen it more times than I can possibly count, and he also sings this song in that. Both renditions have similarities, but they are also quite different, but both equally amazing. I think the lyrics are incredible, with all the credit going to Elton John and Bernie Taupin. And considering the world right now, I think we should all take pride in the fact that we are all still standing during this pandemic.

One Call Away – Charlie Puth; I brought this album when it first came out and its only been recently that I have downloaded it via Apple Music. I absolutely love this song. I could listen to it so much! I love the lyrics, and how it talks about always being there for the person you love even though things may get in between. I think it’s a great song right now considering many of us can’t be with the people we love as they’re stuck in different places and we aren’t allowed to leave the house.

Take Me Back to London – Ed Sheeran Feat. Stormzy; I love this song because the beat gets stuck in my head. I find it there hours after I last listened to it. Plus, the song is just so upbeat that I want to get up and dance, and find myself swaying to it when I’ve got my headphones in. Usually the sound is turned right up and I’m having a mini rave in my own head.

River – Eminem Feat. Ed Sheeran; So, it wouldn’t be me without an Eminem song on here somewhere! It just so happens to be yet another song with Ed. Now I love this song for so many reasons. Not only because I love both Ed and Eminem, but also because I was fortunate enough to see them perform this song at Twickenham a few years ago. It’s not so much about the lyrics, its more about the combination of two beautiful voices.

Heaven – Warrant; With lyrics like “As long as I’m the hero of this little girl” and “As long as you will always be my biggest fan”, why wouldn’t I love this song? It speaks to me and reminds me of Luna. I always want to make her proud and try to put her ahead of everything I do in life. She is the only person that I feel like I owe something to. I hear those two lines and I remember that without her, I wouldn’t have the purpose that I do now. She completed me and now it’s time that I make sure she can look up to me when she’s older.

Hold My Girl – George Ezra; This song is mine and Luna’s first ever song! I used to sing it to her when she was a tiny baby, and she would always fall asleep on me and I think that’s so cute considering the lyrics are, “pick a place to rest your head”. I will always be there to hold her during her darkest moments. I will always give her time and love; I will always be her strength and she will always be my girl. She is by far, my biggest inspiration. Although I need more than a minute because she is my world and I always want to wrap my arms around her. Even at night when she’s refusing to sleep and I have to lay with her and rest my arm over her, only to have her grab my hand and pull it closer.

The Light – Disturbed; I have had this song on my playlist for well over a year. It’s still my go to song whenever I feel like I’m sinking too far. Honestly, go and take some time to listen to the lyrics. I found they spoke to me in a way many songs have failed. To me, this song is about not giving up. That even during your darkest times, you will find the light. It talks about not finding answers in the places you seem to think you will, but not to give up hope. I absolutely love this song and that’s why it still has a place in my top ten.

Woman Like Me – Little Mix Feat. Nicki Minaj; People always tell me that I am a handful, that I’m high maintenance and that I have my own mind, so this song reminds me of myself. I think the chorus is just me wondering if I’m “too much”, although for the right person, you will never be too much and its always worth the effort. Although, I can honestly say this is one of the only songs that I like with Nicki, but I am a massive Little Mix fan, and there are quite a few of their songs that are on my most played, I chose this one because it reminds me that I am on a whole different level and sometimes, I am hard work but I am still worthy of being loved.

People Like Us – Kelly Clarkson; This song is one of my absolute favourites! It talks about how everyone gets down in the dumps and nobody feels like they fit in, but we’re all that way in some way, shape or form. It focuses on picking yourself up, but also picking others up when they feel the way you do. So many of us can relate to feeling like they don’t matter, that their life is sunken and broken but that doesn’t mean we should allow others to feel like this. In my opinion, it’s a song about unity.

Lost in the Woods – Jonathon Groff; I’m a sucker for a soundtrack, and my final song is just that. It’s a ballad from Frozen 2, and I have been listening to it ever since I took my big brother to go see it. (He is autistic, and nobody else wanted to sit through the film. Luna made me watch Frozen a million times, so I didn’t mind being the only one that wanted to take him. And for the record, he loved it!) However, this song just got stuck in my head, so much that as soon as I got back home, I downloaded it onto my phone, and it’s been there ever since. It’s a great song about being lost and not knowing what direction to turn. It’s about usually having the answers but this time, confused. It’s a love song, but to me, it’s the memory of my latest trip to the cinema with my big brother.

Now, all the views on these songs are purely my own. I mean you could hear the songs and feel something completely different to me. The lyrics could speak to you in a different way or the beat could make you feel bored. But to me, right now, these are probably my top ten. Each for their own reasons. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Let me know what you think about mine or even giving me some of your favourite songs right now, by either commenting below, tweeting me, leaving me a message on my Facebook page or getting in touch by Instagram. I hope that where you are in the world, that you’re staying safe, in great health and focusing on looking to the future, when the world doesn’t look so miserable. And more than ever, keep smiling.

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Update on my goals!

I wanted to use this time to recap over my goals that I set my blog 4 months ago! Considering I went ghost for a fair few months, most of them are even further away from completion compared to where I thought I would be by this time. If you want to check it out, its >>>here<<<.

I set six goals that I wanted to complete by the end of the year, so I thought every four months, I’d look at how far I’ve come since the start of the year. Considering I went ages between blogging, most of these stats have come from the start of the year, but my goodness, it was probably the best start to my blogging year that I could have asked for.

I wanted to reach 50 people connected to my new Facebook page, however due to lack of advertising, it hasn’t even reached half that target, but hey, still got a while left of this year, you never know, maybe we could smash it.

I still haven’t managed to beat my record of 94 views in one day, but then again, I have gotten close and considering most of the time I am just writing waffle, I am truly humbled.

We are four months in and I have achieved 36% of last years views, which I can honestly say is quite an achievement, I am almost beating my first year of blogging and well over a quarter of the way to beating my yearly views. I am 35% of getting my 1000 visitors as well. To think that many people have logged on and checked out what I have to say, is truly amazing. I am so lucky to have so many people interested in what I have to say.

My last goal is the one that I know I will complete first! I wanted to achieve 100 people subscribed to my blog, and at the latest count, I am at 95! That means, I am 5 away from completely at least one of my goals!

The start of this year has been tough, I have had to make choices and yet I don’t feel like I am any closer to getting my head sorted but I know that one thing is true, I will be standing at the end of it. Thank you for taking the time to check out my latest post, and thank you to each and every person because you have contributed towards my achieving my blogging goals and I am honestly so thankful for each of you. You’re amazing! If you want to stay updated on what is going on with the blog, make sure to like the Facebook page, and follow me on Instagram. If you wish to see me write way more waffle than what gets posted, be sure to give me a follow on twitter. I want you all to stay healthy and safe during these uncertain times, and don’t lose your smile!

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The truth is a bitter pill to swallow…

The truth is a bitter pill to swallow and recently I’ve been accused of hiding things from my followers because I want to portray myself in a certain way because I believe myself to be above the things I write about. That isn’t the truth… however this is.

On the 22nd of September, I went behind my boyfriends back and met up with someone that I knew I had feelings for. I lied to him and told him he was just a friend, however that wasn’t exactly true. We had a history, a history that I kept from him. I told him exactly where I was and who I was with. I told him just enough for him not to question it. On this day, I ended up making out with someone, and went back to my boyfriend and lied to his face. I continued to text said person. I was hiding everything behind my boyfriends back and that wasn’t the life I wanted.

Once I got my flat, I knew the person in question was in a bad place, after all, I had spent days after days texting him as much as possible, so I let him stay in order to give him a place over his head whenever he wanted it and because I wanted him around. He spent countless nights on the sofa, and I would fall asleep either next to him on the sofa bed or on the floor. I justified it by saying that my relationship with my daughters’ father was beyond repair, when the truth is, I made it that way months before. I shut him out and built the distance between us. I felt like I had trapped him when I fell pregnant, something that wasn’t true, but it didn’t stop it feeling real to me.

I was messaging other guys for attention because I didn’t feel loved or wanted at home. I found comfort in other people because I created distance in my relationship. I felt scared and alone. I should have spoke to him, maybe we could have found a way to solve it before it got beyond repair. I didn’t. Around the middle of October, me and my daughters father decided to stop trying with our relationship. When the truth was, he would have carried on the way we were, I however couldn’t live with my conscience, I also had feelings for another. That wasn’t fair on him. I never told him the truth, instead I buried it in lies.

I then got with the same guy that had spent time on my sofa. And yet still was lying. I continued to lie to him, yes, I was talking to other guys, I justified it by saying that they were purely innocent. However, it got to the stage where one wasn’t. After we split and he left, I cried for about an hour and then decided that in order to get over him, I would again bury myself in attention from other people. Within hours of breaking up with the guy I loved, I cried and then refused to let him know that I was hurting so I indecently sent pictures of myself to another guy who then returned said pictures. That stopped becoming innocent the moment we started flirting.

I guess the truth is I do need attention. Me and Tinkerbell have that in common. Most of the time I feel alone and nearly all the time, I have made myself that way. I had the guy I wanted and yet it wasn’t enough. I always had someone there to fall back on and this time, I had to make sure they weren’t around. And I did, for about a month. But then I fell back into old habits. I was talking to other people, most of them being innocent, however I still lied about them. I still hid them even though I didn’t have too. When he started to question me about it, I would call him a liar and make him feel insecure. I wrecked the trust he had in me and for what? To make sure that I would never be alone, because that is one of my biggest fears.

The start of our relationship was rocky. He told me he didn’t want me to share it on social media, he didn’t want to be a story that I sold. That hurt. To me, that was his way of saying that he was ashamed of our relationship. He didn’t want me to share any photos that we had taken, he told me his reasons, but it never stopped that thought in the back of my mind. However, I did what he asked… most of the time. I never shared any photos that we took, even though to begin with, my smile was undeniable. I was so bleeding happy and I wasn’t allowed to share it. I started to call him controlling because he was making me feel ashamed that we were together. He stopped holding my hand in public, he stopped making me feel like he wanted to be around unless we were alone. The only place we really went together was the pub. I used the fact he didn’t want me to broadcast it to my advantage, it meant I could talk to whoever and wouldn’t have to tell them about him. To begin with, I told everyone about him and how happy he made me, however that soon changed.

When we started to have our arguments, I would find attention from anyone that wasn’t him. Instead of addressing the problems in our relationship, I went to other people and spoke badly of him because I was in a bad mood and it was his fault (it wasn’t necessarily his fault but that’s how I portrayed it.) I never wanted our relationship to go sour, but in the honour of being honest, I played a big part in it.

I became untrustworthy and disloyal. I became a problem and instead of addressing my problems, I tried my hardest to bury them and lied about it. To the point, anything I said was questionable. I mean if I truly loved anyone but myself, I would have admitted my faults before getting caught. I didn’t.  I manipulated situations because I never wanted to get caught. I lied to cover my tracks and got so lost in my lies that I couldn’t remember what I had said because for a fair chunk of it, it was buried and that’s the way I preferred it.

I hate people getting close enough to me because everyone leaves. So, I stop people getting close by keeping them behind a wall. I don’t like risking things because my emotions are so unpredictable most of the time, that I never wanted to give someone the power to destroy me. The truth is, I destroyed myself. I wreck friendships and relationships because I want to protect myself. However, I still get destroyed by the lies and control that I let others have.

I have had countless people tell me how I am an incredible actress… I can make myself seem innocent when I am far from it. Its true. The same way I am one hell of a storyteller. Words are the most powerful tool we have, and I know this. 90% of the time I am very aware of what words I use to string a sentence together. I know how to use my words to skirt round the things I’m doing. I know how to use my words to my advantage, and I won’t hide away from that. I know that I can read people when I want too. I know how to give people just enough to make them believe what I’m saying even if I know it’s a blatant lie. So, let’s be honest.

I am incredibly selfish most of the time. The only person I really care about other than myself is my daughter and I failed her more times than I can count. I was a rubbish mother, but I am trying to get better. When it comes to most of my relationships, I have always had people around to fall back on if they fail. Yes, I have more male friends than I do females, because I am also aware of how I look. I never asked to look like this, but I will hold my hands up and say that I have used the way I look to get what I want for a fair chunk of my life. I am buried behind lies and I’m one hell of a control freak. I can switch myself off to people at the click of my fingers. I can pretend they don’t care, and I know I can make people believe they are worthless to me because I have trained myself to not give a fuck.

I am absolutely petrified of commitment. I have seen so many people commit their life to someone and watch them get fucked over. I’ve grown up around so many failed relationships that I generally won’t get into one without a back up option. I must have control because otherwise, I let people walk all over me and I refuse to go back to that person. I stopped myself getting attached because I don’t believe people when they say they will always be around. There are times where I’ve made it my mission to prove them wrong.

I came off twitter because I portrayed my partner to be something worse than what he was. Sure, he has the power to be an absolute twat, but that didn’t mean that I should have told the world that he was. My loyalty to him should have meant more than that. And to him, I am truly sorry for the way you were presented. Yes, you’re an arrogant asshole, but you were mine and I loved you regardless. I came off twitter because the guy that I was flirting with behind my partners back was on there and was all over it. He has since been blocked but that doesn’t stop the fact that I did it.

I have the power to be an incredibly awful person. I can be heartless. I can and have proven this to so many people. But the truth is, I am that person. I have habit of saying things to protect people I shouldn’t because I still want them around. I have downplayed my actions because I selfishly weighed the pros and cons and didn’t want myself to be a negative person. But I have been. I can name a whole list of people that saw the worst sides to me and to them, I am truly sorry.

I and I alone am accountable for my actions. I have done and said things I shouldn’t to protect myself and others. I have been a horrible person to so many people and that will be on my head. No one made me be that way, but I did it. For reasons that go beyond reason or responsibility. I never wanted people to get close to me. I never wanted to become easy to read. I have become someone Luna wouldn’t be proud of, and the first step to this, is admitting where the fault lies in me. It’s owning up to my shortcomings and admitting where I went wrong.