The truth is a bitter pill to swallow…

The truth is a bitter pill to swallow and recently I’ve been accused of hiding things from my followers because I want to portray myself in a certain way because I believe myself to be above the things I write about. That isn’t the truth… however this is.

On the 22nd of September, I went behind my boyfriends back and met up with someone that I knew I had feelings for. I lied to him and told him he was just a friend, however that wasn’t exactly true. We had a history, a history that I kept from him. I told him exactly where I was and who I was with. I told him just enough for him not to question it. On this day, I ended up making out with someone, and went back to my boyfriend and lied to his face. I continued to text said person. I was hiding everything behind my boyfriends back and that wasn’t the life I wanted.

Once I got my flat, I knew the person in question was in a bad place, after all, I had spent days after days texting him as much as possible, so I let him stay in order to give him a place over his head whenever he wanted it and because I wanted him around. He spent countless nights on the sofa, and I would fall asleep either next to him on the sofa bed or on the floor. I justified it by saying that my relationship with my daughters’ father was beyond repair, when the truth is, I made it that way months before. I shut him out and built the distance between us. I felt like I had trapped him when I fell pregnant, something that wasn’t true, but it didn’t stop it feeling real to me.

I was messaging other guys for attention because I didn’t feel loved or wanted at home. I found comfort in other people because I created distance in my relationship. I felt scared and alone. I should have spoke to him, maybe we could have found a way to solve it before it got beyond repair. I didn’t. Around the middle of October, me and my daughters father decided to stop trying with our relationship. When the truth was, he would have carried on the way we were, I however couldn’t live with my conscience, I also had feelings for another. That wasn’t fair on him. I never told him the truth, instead I buried it in lies.

I then got with the same guy that had spent time on my sofa. And yet still was lying. I continued to lie to him, yes, I was talking to other guys, I justified it by saying that they were purely innocent. However, it got to the stage where one wasn’t. After we split and he left, I cried for about an hour and then decided that in order to get over him, I would again bury myself in attention from other people. Within hours of breaking up with the guy I loved, I cried and then refused to let him know that I was hurting so I indecently sent pictures of myself to another guy who then returned said pictures. That stopped becoming innocent the moment we started flirting.

I guess the truth is I do need attention. Me and Tinkerbell have that in common. Most of the time I feel alone and nearly all the time, I have made myself that way. I had the guy I wanted and yet it wasn’t enough. I always had someone there to fall back on and this time, I had to make sure they weren’t around. And I did, for about a month. But then I fell back into old habits. I was talking to other people, most of them being innocent, however I still lied about them. I still hid them even though I didn’t have too. When he started to question me about it, I would call him a liar and make him feel insecure. I wrecked the trust he had in me and for what? To make sure that I would never be alone, because that is one of my biggest fears.

The start of our relationship was rocky. He told me he didn’t want me to share it on social media, he didn’t want to be a story that I sold. That hurt. To me, that was his way of saying that he was ashamed of our relationship. He didn’t want me to share any photos that we had taken, he told me his reasons, but it never stopped that thought in the back of my mind. However, I did what he asked… most of the time. I never shared any photos that we took, even though to begin with, my smile was undeniable. I was so bleeding happy and I wasn’t allowed to share it. I started to call him controlling because he was making me feel ashamed that we were together. He stopped holding my hand in public, he stopped making me feel like he wanted to be around unless we were alone. The only place we really went together was the pub. I used the fact he didn’t want me to broadcast it to my advantage, it meant I could talk to whoever and wouldn’t have to tell them about him. To begin with, I told everyone about him and how happy he made me, however that soon changed.

When we started to have our arguments, I would find attention from anyone that wasn’t him. Instead of addressing the problems in our relationship, I went to other people and spoke badly of him because I was in a bad mood and it was his fault (it wasn’t necessarily his fault but that’s how I portrayed it.) I never wanted our relationship to go sour, but in the honour of being honest, I played a big part in it.

I became untrustworthy and disloyal. I became a problem and instead of addressing my problems, I tried my hardest to bury them and lied about it. To the point, anything I said was questionable. I mean if I truly loved anyone but myself, I would have admitted my faults before getting caught. I didn’t.  I manipulated situations because I never wanted to get caught. I lied to cover my tracks and got so lost in my lies that I couldn’t remember what I had said because for a fair chunk of it, it was buried and that’s the way I preferred it.

I hate people getting close enough to me because everyone leaves. So, I stop people getting close by keeping them behind a wall. I don’t like risking things because my emotions are so unpredictable most of the time, that I never wanted to give someone the power to destroy me. The truth is, I destroyed myself. I wreck friendships and relationships because I want to protect myself. However, I still get destroyed by the lies and control that I let others have.

I have had countless people tell me how I am an incredible actress… I can make myself seem innocent when I am far from it. Its true. The same way I am one hell of a storyteller. Words are the most powerful tool we have, and I know this. 90% of the time I am very aware of what words I use to string a sentence together. I know how to use my words to skirt round the things I’m doing. I know how to use my words to my advantage, and I won’t hide away from that. I know that I can read people when I want too. I know how to give people just enough to make them believe what I’m saying even if I know it’s a blatant lie. So, let’s be honest.

I am incredibly selfish most of the time. The only person I really care about other than myself is my daughter and I failed her more times than I can count. I was a rubbish mother, but I am trying to get better. When it comes to most of my relationships, I have always had people around to fall back on if they fail. Yes, I have more male friends than I do females, because I am also aware of how I look. I never asked to look like this, but I will hold my hands up and say that I have used the way I look to get what I want for a fair chunk of my life. I am buried behind lies and I’m one hell of a control freak. I can switch myself off to people at the click of my fingers. I can pretend they don’t care, and I know I can make people believe they are worthless to me because I have trained myself to not give a fuck.

I am absolutely petrified of commitment. I have seen so many people commit their life to someone and watch them get fucked over. I’ve grown up around so many failed relationships that I generally won’t get into one without a back up option. I must have control because otherwise, I let people walk all over me and I refuse to go back to that person. I stopped myself getting attached because I don’t believe people when they say they will always be around. There are times where I’ve made it my mission to prove them wrong.

I came off twitter because I portrayed my partner to be something worse than what he was. Sure, he has the power to be an absolute twat, but that didn’t mean that I should have told the world that he was. My loyalty to him should have meant more than that. And to him, I am truly sorry for the way you were presented. Yes, you’re an arrogant asshole, but you were mine and I loved you regardless. I came off twitter because the guy that I was flirting with behind my partners back was on there and was all over it. He has since been blocked but that doesn’t stop the fact that I did it.

I have the power to be an incredibly awful person. I can be heartless. I can and have proven this to so many people. But the truth is, I am that person. I have habit of saying things to protect people I shouldn’t because I still want them around. I have downplayed my actions because I selfishly weighed the pros and cons and didn’t want myself to be a negative person. But I have been. I can name a whole list of people that saw the worst sides to me and to them, I am truly sorry.

I and I alone am accountable for my actions. I have done and said things I shouldn’t to protect myself and others. I have been a horrible person to so many people and that will be on my head. No one made me be that way, but I did it. For reasons that go beyond reason or responsibility. I never wanted people to get close to me. I never wanted to become easy to read. I have become someone Luna wouldn’t be proud of, and the first step to this, is admitting where the fault lies in me. It’s owning up to my shortcomings and admitting where I went wrong.


Some things aren’t better off as secrets…

I had every post of this month planned out and up until a few days ago, I was doing so well at sticking to it. However, it came to the mental health post and I realised I couldn’t pretend and write how I was in a much better place compared to last year. I mean I have been, but that’s been down to a few reasons. I want to be honest and open right now, without naming names. Those closest to me already know but I was asked not to mention this on any forms of social media… I am however, choosing to ignore that and write about it anyway.

A few months ago, I found my reason to smile again. I got with someone who I had known for years and someone that I wanted just as much. We originally started getting closer around five years ago, but due to complications, such as leaving for uni, nothing ever amounted to anything. A few months ago, we got back in contact and at first it seemed like everything had changed, that we were too completely different people to those people 5 years previous, but I quickly found out that wasn’t the case.

There was never any doubt in my mind that I wanted anyone but him. The day I finally got that chance, I swore that I would try my absolute hardest to make it work. Because in my opinion, nobody came close. I had spent so long wishing I had a chance, then when I finally got it, I took it with both hands.

To begin with, everything was peachy. We wrote each other handwritten notes, we took pictures together, I was smiling, and life was going well. He picked me up at a time when I needed someone, and he tried to make sure that I stayed up. He taught me so many things I didn’t know, like how to be a better mother to Luna, how to be stronger and stand up for myself, how to face the world. I could do anything because he was by my side. We did everything together! There was nothing that gave me more joy than seeing him with Luna and the bond they created. He made me a better person today, than when we got together, and I know that I brought out some good things in him too. He made life choices that were for the better and started to pick his life back up and I was and will always be so proud of how strong he was and how much he tried to fight his demons. I’m just sorry that I turned into one.

I honestly thought we could get through anything. I thought I had found my future and I wasn’t prepared to let anything get between that. But I did. I let my insecurities and doubt eat me alive. We started to shut each other out. We both had things we were dealing with and we stopped confiding in each other. We stopped making time for each other and started doing everything apart. This slowly grated at me. Here I was, with the guy that brightened my birthday when it felt like the worst one yet, there was this guy that didn’t have to try too hard to get me to smile because he brought it out so easily. But because of how much I loved him, it meant that I would self-destruct and let my mind play tricks on me. I was so scared of losing him, that in the end, I ended up pushing him away. Digs started to happen, and arguments turned sour. I stopped finding ways to make things better. I continued to believe that I couldn’t make him happy. That he was only with me for this or that. That he wouldn’t want me. It was so easy to believe because I think so little of myself that I believed he deserved better.

I would never say I regret our relationship, because there is nothing in this life that he has had a part in that I regret. He found me and helped me beyond words. He brightened most of my days. He had his bad parts sure, but I never stopped loving him. He was the first guy that I could be in an argument with and continue to smile whenever I thought about them. He was the only guy that made me feel like I was something to someone. He put me so high on a pedestal that when I fell, I hit the floor at such a force.

The moment you turned away as you said goodbye, I shut the door and broke down into tears. Tears because I had forced this to happen. Tears because I was hurting, and I couldn’t take it. Tears because I had given up when I believed there was no other way to save us. Tears because I love you so much that it was breaking me. I sat in your dressing gown that had your smell over it and cried. I looked in every direction and there was some sort of reminder that a hole had built. I never wanted it to come to that. I wanted to find a way to make it work but I wanted us both to want it and I stopped believing in you.

How was it fair that for ten years I waited for something to last four months and to break me at the end of it? How was it fair that even after we went separate ways, that I couldn’t stop finding things in you? How was it fair that we went through so much, only to be torn apart? How is it fair that you could never see how much you meant to me? How is it right that we hurt like this?

I wanted to believe with my whole heart, that we were the strongest I had ever known. I wanted to believe that we could have faced everything and won. But there were so many things stopping me from telling you the truth. Telling you how scared I really was. How much I just wanted to hide because opening up to you meant doing something, I had trained myself not to. I wanted to run into your arms whenever I got scared but then I realised id never have left.

I became someone who couldn’t be what I wanted. I believed that I couldn’t make you happy. I believed I was bringing you down instead of picking you up. And that affected me in ways I should have shared. I wish that I knew a way to fix us. I wish I knew how to make us okay because I would, in a heartbeat. Maybe one day, we would be able to talk and try to fix this. But for now, I want you to know that a relationship with you is worth so much but not at the expense of losing ourselves. If I could find a way to make this right, I would!