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Being a mum❤️ Open Letters!

An open letter to the guy I love…

I lay in bed most nights and you consume my thoughts. You are always the last thought on my mind before I sleep, whether its because we are together or apart, arguing or happier than I could have imagined. You’re the first thought on my mind when I wake up, and you’re the first person I want to see when I open my eyes.

You see, I never thought you’d be an open letter on my blog, but here I am. Writing these words to you and only you. Without holding back and thinking about anyone else, how they may be affected or what they may say in retaliation. I simply don’t care anymore because in the grand scheme of things, they don’t matter.

When I was younger, I used to picture what my future would hold, and one thing I was certain of, was that I wanted to find a guy who loved me whole heartedly and without conviction. I wanted to find someone who I could see my future with, the good, the bad and the ugly. I wanted to find someone worth fighting for, to have a love that would make all the greatest romantic novels jealous. I wanted to find someone who knew the person I was and loved me regardless of my faults and the problems I face on a daily basis. One look into your eyes, and I thought I found it. My happy ever after.

We had our problems. You couldn’t trust me for a mistake I made at a weak point after I kicked you out and you told me you never wanted to talk to me again, you blamed me for the choices of others and you couldn’t find it in your heart to forgive me, even though I know you tried. You had your doubts and at times it seemed like I played into them, believe me, that was never the thoughts on my mind. I was selfish because I only thought about myself most of the time. You tried to make me into a person I’m not. You had me so high on a pedestal, that I was destined to fall and I never braced for the impact.

I will always be thankful for the person you helped create. For the belief you had in me at a time when I never believed in myself. For the mother you helped me become. I am thankful for the love I felt for you because it was everything to me. For the help and support you gave me every day that you were here. I am thankful for the warmth and strength you helped me find and the way you smiled at me every day. I know no one will ever look at me the way you did. The love and passion you had, is something I get to treasure.

As much as all the memories we made together hurt, as much as everywhere I look there’s another one creeping up on me, I know that one day I will be more thankful that they happened than sad that they wont happen again. We haven’t been together like we should have been and for my part in that, I am truly sorry. I am sorry for my actions and words. I am sorry that you felt like you were constantly hidden. I am sorry that you have so many negative thoughts now because every memory is tarnished in your eyes. But I can and will never look at you like a bad memory I wished I could forget. I will never hate you or hold any negativity towards you, because I will always love you for everything you did that made me a better person.

I still cry. I cry more than you’d realise, and that’s because I wouldn’t show emotion around you. I couldn’t because I was so scared of looking like a failure to you. I was scared that you wouldn’t understand and scared because if you did, it meant that you were more like me and I’d hate for you to have the thoughts and emotional draining situation that I have. I miss you, I don’t think that will change any time soon. I miss seeing you every day and knowing that you would always try to make me smile. I miss being in your arms, knowing that even though I was scared, you loved me and that was enough.

I wish I could change this. I wish I could be the person you wanted me to be. The person who you wished for during every argument, the person you longed for every night that we was apart. I wish that I could take away every negative feeling in your body because to me, you deserve to be happy. I wish I could have seen myself through your eyes. I wish I could have made you happy, I wish I knew how to fix all the problems that I caused, but I don’t have the words or actions to change those things. And as much as writing this hurts, I have to do it.

I love you. I wanted you for years and when I got you, everything became complicated. So now there is only one thing left to do. That is to say goodbye. As even though that hurts and breaks my heart, I have to let you go because as you stated, we could never be friends. I have to let you go so you can find happiness and love in someone else. I hate the idea of someone having everything I dreamed about with you, but we had our chance and unfortunately, both our hearts got broken for different reasons.

For what its worth, I never wanted to lose you. It didn’t matter what my friends or family said, it didn’t matter how they felt, because on our greatest days, we were a force to be reckoned with. I’m sorry for the insecurities and doubts you had that caused you to be a bit on the defensive side. I’m sorry for the pain and heartache I caused. But I will not apologise or take back that I love you. Because your love changed me.

And before you think this could be written about anyone else, it couldn’t. Because you had my heart. You were my present and I wanted you to be my future. I wanted my Tinkerbell ring because it was from you and no one else.

So to the guy I have loved and lost, thank you for everything you ever did or said. Thank you for wanting me to be better and for trying to make sure I stayed that way. I will continue to wear your heart around my neck for as long as I still love you because I don’t want to pretend we never happened. I love you and I think I always will.

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Open Letters!

An Open Letter; to the World!

For this months open letter, I am going to be writing to the world considering the Coronavirus. I wanted it to mean something but also a way of remembering the time we are currently going through. After all, in years to come, this will be considered history.

To the world.

Recently, a pandemic started called Coronavirus, and it’s a scary time to live in. We are all stuck in our houses and have no real end in sight but that doesn’t mean an end won’t come. All things must come to an end and right now, even though it’s unpredictable, it doesn’t mean it won’t happen.

There are many ways to prevent this virus spreading and each of us need to do our bit in order to stop this taking even more lives than have already been lost. Right now, we should be staying at home and only going out for the essentials or to seek medical health. If you must go out, make sure you keep your distance from people and ensure that you’re washing your hands every chance you get. Germs spread so easily that it’s the best way to prevent you spreading it further. If you cough, have common decency and cover your mouths. My two-year-old does it, so there is no reason that you can’t do it.

In the UK, we are currently going through what’s known as social distancing, which is just staying away from people that you don’t live with and limit your interactions. To the point, they’d rather you paid via card because money is dirtier than your toilet seat. It carries more germs than you’d believe. It means that unless you really have too, you should be staying inside where you can prevent furthering this virus. I have lost count of the amount of people I’ve seen standing around having a chinwag in the middle of the town centre… like go home already! Stay where it is safe! This virus is killing people and you never know if you are just carrying it from one place to another!

To the NHS, thank you for doing everything you can to prevent further loss in this time! You have been so understaffed and underfunded for many years and here we are, the whole country is depending on you to get us through this. Thank you for risking your lives to make sure that everyone else has a chance at survival. Thank you for getting up and going to work every day without thinking about the risks and putting yourself off. Thank you for your chosen career because you are valued more than you know.

To all the workers that are carrying on so that we can have shops open to get our necessities, thank you for going into work during these uncertain times. Thank you for allowing us to get things that we need daily and thank you for not giving up when it got tough. Thank you for everything that you have done for a country that sometimes feels like we don’t appreciate it. I’m just sorry that you’re getting so much abuse because of low stocks, most of us know it’s not within your control. You are doing an amazing job.

To all the workers that have been unnoticed such as binmen, postmen, police, delivery drivers and so on, thank you for getting up and going into work every day even though right now you’re risking your lives. Thank you continuing your daily jobs when so many of us have taken you for granted. Thank you. It may be scary, but you are important and shouldn’t go unnoticed.

To the families that have lost someone during this awful time, I am truly sorry. My thoughts go out to you and your loved ones. This is such a horrible virus and I honestly hate that so many lives have been lost because of this virus. My thoughts are with those that were alone during these times, that had to face the end of their lives without the security, love and warmth of their families. My thoughts go to all those that are still suffering, even if it’s just mild. I hope that this virus gets washed out quickly so no more lives will be lost, however that doesn’t seem to be happening.

So, to the world, lets stand together during this uncertain time. Be kind and stand together not physically but mentally. Look out for those that you know are alone right now and do your bit to help put an end to this nightmare. There are many things that are going to be going through peoples minds right now, such as not only anxiety about their health and wellbeing but also about being stuck inside every day for what feels like a never-ending time. People may not be handling it in the best way and a simple message or phone call could be the one thing that they need to help get them through the day.

Thank you for taking the time to reading my latest open letter. I know it’s a scary time but if you need to, feel free to reach me either on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. I hope that everyone is trying their hardest to stay safe and healthy during this time and as always, don’t lose your smile.

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Open Letters!

An Open Letter to my Year 4 and Year 6 teachers…

Now that I’m back to blogging consecutively I want to continue my open letter series. And who better to start than with two teachers who gave me more than just an education.

An Open Letter to my year 4 and year 6 teachers…

Firstly, I want to start off by saying thank you! Thank you for everything you did during my years with you. I may not have been the brightest or most well-behaved student for you but it’s only as I’ve been growing up that I realise just how much you taught me in such a short space of time.

Many of our teachers, only have us as students for a short space of time, its so true especially in Primary School when I changed teachers every year. But these two stood out for going above and beyond what they needed to do for my education. Both for different reasons and both taught me much more than just what was on the curriculum.

I’m going to start with my year 4 teacher, Miss Frisby. She was a teacher that came from Australia and taught in the country for one year before returning home. Thankfully, I was in her class and I will never forget her. In the space of 12 months, she taught me more about myself as a person than any teacher I have ever had! She encouraged us all to create connections that were outside of the everyday life by setting up pen pals for us all with her parents’ school in Australia. Unfortunately, when she left, not many of us continued our letters but it was a thoughtful idea. It gave us a chance to get to know someone from a different way of life who could give us more of a perceptive on the world.

When she left the school, she gave us all these little koalas with messages on them and each one was different and unique. They were also personal, and I will never forget mine. She told me to never lose my “nuts” (I used to always say oh nuts if something went wrong, and because I am entirely clumsy, it was said frequently enough that she paid attention). She told me to continue to believe in myself because I had a heart of gold and nobody should ever be able to take that away from me. She gave me faith on days that homelife made it difficult. She made lessons entertaining and engaging so that I could lose myself in my work without losing my head. She helped me look forward to school rather than staying and losing myself in my complications.

She was probably the first teacher to encourage me to become a teacher. It was all I wanted to be when I was younger (If I couldn’t make it as an actress… obviously). She told me that if I continued with the same passion I had and the warmth in my heart, that I would have no problems being an inspiration to others. She was so easy to talk to and the way she helped us learn was what inspired me to want to be like her. She also helped encourage my love of Australia from the way she would talk about it and the pictures that we got to see. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard or seen her since, but I sincerely hope wherever she is in the world, that she’s continuing to inspire other children, the way she inspired me. Who knows, maybe she’s out there reading this, (I highly doubt it but hey, a girl can dream.)

To my second teacher, the last primary school teacher I had, thank you. Mr Rogers, you taught me so much. You taught me how to be a better friend because we all know that girls can be bitchy. You taught me that its okay to be smart and to want to better myself. Every new day was started with a brain buster, something to get our brains engaged and willing to learn. Every day we learned something different, even if it was silly things that stuck in my brain, like what begins with e, ends with e and only has one letter in it… If you don’t know, its envelope. You taught me that the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog is the shortest sentence that uses every letter of the alphabet.

You taught me that inspiration comes from inside and we must be open to the world and its many possibilities. You set me up for life at Secondary School, and you’d be pleased to know that I stayed out of trouble for at least a year before I started to get a reputation for having a big mouth and poor attitude. You taught me that I shouldn’t hide my intelligence to gain friends, even though I have made myself dumber to impress the wrong people. You taught me that the world of possibilities can be found if I am willing to embrace them.  You tried to make sure that we all knew we had creative control over how our lives planned out and sometimes, even though I haven’t lived up to my potential, I haven’t forgotten.

Both of those teachers helped shape the person I am. They helped create the strong and determined girl that sits typing this. They gave me ideas on how I want to live my life and where I want to be. And I think I finally re-realised that I want to be a teacher and inspire people the same way you inspired me. Thank you for affecting my life in the years that I had you. Thank you for everything that I may not have embraced as a child but that I certainly would never forget.

Signed, a small student with a big dream.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter to two teachers that affected and shaped my life. They may never realise the impact they had on me, but it will never be forgotten. Do you have any teachers that affected your life and helped you become the person you are today? Let me know by visiting Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. I hope wherever you are in the world, you too are inspiring people, the same way you were inspired. Make sure you live a life that you can be proud of. But as always, keep smiling.

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Open Letters!

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!