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Mumma Life!

My one and only…

Anyone who is a parent, knows that when it comes to their child, they come first most of the time. They put their children above nearly everything they do, only occasionally taking time out for themselves. And I’m no exception to that. My daughter is and will always be the most important person in my life. I have done things for her, that I would never have imagined. But if I didn’t, I could honestly say I would have been putting my needs above hers.

Luna is an amazing, funny, sweet, caring and truly delightful little lady who I have the pleasured privilege of calling my daughter. She is truly intelligent, loves music and brightens up my darkest moments just by being herself. She amazes me each and every day, from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to sleep, she is perfect and beyond describable with words. Just a few minutes with her, and I can guarantee that your mind would have been changed.

I knew when I gave birth, that I was going to face problems that I wished I didn’t and I’m not going to lie, most of the time I don’t know how to overcome them, but I try my best with my daughters wellbeing at the forefront of my mind. And I remember sitting with her father and talking about many what if scenarios. And one of the things we spoke about was, what if people pretend to want to be in her life only not to bother months later.

My daughter is almost 3. And I can honestly say that so much has changed in the past 3 years, that those who met Luna when she was a baby, would be shocked if they could see her now. That so many people who swore to stand by my baby’s side, have turned their back on her and forgotten she existed.

I swore that I would do anything in my power, to make sure that no one ever hurt my little girl. I swore that she would only have people in her life that wanted the best, that put in the effort and that treated her like she deserved to be treated. I swore that I would put her first and make sure that she is surrounded by those that love and protect her. She is the most important person in my life and I would do anything to make sure that she is happy and loved.

Luna has such a special bond with my sister and her boyfriend, my niece and my baby sister and brother. She has amazing bond with her father and with her pop pops. She loves her babe (Leanne, my best mate) and even my best friend overseas. She is loved by Nicole and by Stevi. And I’m thankful that she has so many people that put so much time and effort into spending time with her, even if its a simple video call to check up on her.

If you phoned her, you’d know that she loves to play with her bubbles, she loves to show off her teddys and do her ABC’s. She would run around showing you her exercises, telling you colours of things and making random food combinations. She would tell you how she’s mummy’s princess and how she loves the moon. She would dance around the room to her favourite songs, play on her keyboard and play hide and seek.

But it doesn’t matter, because to various members of her family, wouldn’t know that. They wouldn’t know because they don’t bother with her. They miss out on her and all her little quirks. Some of her family have never met her, they don’t know that her favourite fruit is strawberries, or her favourite teddy is Skye. They don’t know that she watches Cars and will dance around the soundtrack or that right now, she absolutely loves watching Sing because of the different music in it. They don’t know that she learned to walk later than most girls, but hasn’t stopped running circles around everyone in her life. They haven’t seen the way her face lights up when she see’s animals or how she asks for a goat atleast once a week.

There is only one person I have ever said, will not be welcome in Luna’s life. That’s because when Luna was born, both her father and I gave this woman a chance to prove that she can be a stable person in Luna’s life and she repaid me by trying to get my daughter taken off me on neglect charges… neglect over someone she has never met or even spoke to. Everyone else, I let them have many chances. I let them pretend to care, to send gifts but never actually making an effort. I let them pay for things for her, without them even engaging in her life because I have too, otherwise she’d have very little family.

But it hurts. It hurts that my daughter misses out on seeing or hearing from her family because they simply don’t remember she exists. I can’t remember the last time they actually put effort into her and that upsets me. They’ve missed out on two birthdays so far, and yet I have to keep giving them chances because otherwise I’m seen as a bitch. I love my daughter, and I want her to have the best chance in life, which means biting my tongue when it comes to the lack of effort put in by her family since we moved.

Luna is my world. She is the brightest star in the night sky, and the bluest skies during the day. She has an infectious smile and the biggest cuddles that make you feel better instantly. She is my ray of sunshine and my moon in a pitch black sky. She gave me the best title of all, mum and that’s a title I embrace. I just wish her family could see how important she is. That even at this young age, she’s one of the best things to ever happen to them.

So to my daughter, I love you little lady, and even though there a list of people who can’t be bothered with you, there is a longer more detailed list of people that would support and love you each and every day. The list of those who adore you, will always be longer than the list of people missing out. I can’t force them to be more involved in your life, but I will spend a lifetime making up for their lack of effort. Because you are the best person in my life, the strongest and sassiest little girl that I couldn’t imagine a life without. You changed my life for the better, so in turn, I will make sure I give you the best life I can.

To all those that have family that they haven’t bothered with in a while, pick up the phone and just talk to them. Tell them you’re thinking of them and that they will always have a place in your life because family is one of the strongest bonds you can have. Thank you all for reading my post, it means a lot to have your support, and I promise to try and write more. No matter what you’re doing, if you need a chat or someone to pick you up, I will try my best, just don’t be afraid to get in touch. You can find me on twitter, facebook or Instagram. And remember wherever you are in the world, whatever your feelings are right now, just smile because the world needs to see it.

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Mumma Life!

Mumma Update

It seems to crazy to be writing a Mumma update when my child isn’t even with me right now. But considering it’s been a few months, I thought I should give you an update and explain where we are currently at with my amazingly smart two-year-old.

Everyone is currently in quarantine, however, one of the things that you can leave the house for, is to transport a child between separated parents. So instead of him seeing her everyday like we used to, we have changed it to one week with each of us. The second any of us start to show symptoms, she stays where she is, however, for the last week she hasn’t been with me and can I add that it’s the hardest!

I love my daughter dearly, and even though there are times where I want to pull my hair out and cry until I’ve created a river, she is by far the best part of my life. So, for the last week, I have been facetiming her like four times a day, sometimes she really wants to talk to me and others she couldn’t care less… she’s two! She doesn’t really understand what’s going on but none the less, I ring her and attempt to have a conversation with her.

In the last few months, she has come on leaps and bounds. I am so honestly proud of the little lady she is turning into. Don’t get me wrong, she is living up to the terrible twos, but in between the crazy moments, there are the good times!

She knows how to count from one to ten, well… she knows the numbers. Sometimes she will correctly count to ten, other times she will just say “one, two, ten” and then get excited because she has counted one to ten in the short way. Every time she does, she celebrates by getting super excited and screaming ten at the top of her lungs. She’s starting to learn colours. She currently can identify red every time, but she also knows yellow and pink. She can sometimes correctly identify blue but not as much as the others. We also have learnt manners! She can use please and thank you in the correct places!

Unfortunately, she has also learned that my name is Ferrari. Although hearing her say my real name is by far the cutest thing in the world, I must remember that I am her mother first and foremost. That means that when she says it, I have to correct her, but there are times where I forget who I’m talking to her and answer her… That is the wrong move to make because this encourages her.

I always thought the terrible twos was a myth, but my goodness! If that little lady hears the word no when she’s in one of her moods, she throws herself to the floor and starts “crying”. I mean it probably makes me a bad mum, but I can’t help but laugh at her. She’s a right little personality, that even her temper tantrums are entertaining. Which means discipling her is difficult. I swear, the other day, she had so many time outs, she just decided to spend her time in her room because she couldn’t get told off. Thankfully it must have worked, because the next day she was as good as gold.

Being a mum is hard work. Being a single mum, is even harder. There are days where I honestly can’t help but think that I am the worst mum in the world, especially on days where her tantrums are at their worst, or on the nights where I barely sleep because she’s awake every hour. But the truth is, those days mean nothing when I get to see her precious little smile. To see the way her face lights up when we play hide and seek or even when she’s listening to her music.

Let me know some of your worst experiences with a child and their terrible twos, you can reach me at Twitter, Facebook or even Instagram! I’d love to hear your stories. I hope that wherever you are in the world, that you are keeping safe and healthy. I hope that you’re all looking after each other by staying inside and social distancing yourself from others. Most of all, I hope that none of you have lost your smile.

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Mumma Life!

Luna’s 2nd Birthday and Christmas!

Luna was born on the 22nd of December which makes it the most expensive month for two reasons. The first being her birthday which I intend to do something special for her every year and Christmas. Because of how close her birthday is to Christmas, it makes it difficult and complicated to ensure people can find the time to come, which is why I start planning what I want to do about July time. However, as most people know, nothing ever goes to plan.

Her 2nd birthday turned out to be one of the hardest on me emotionally and mentally. When we moved into the new flat, money became extremely tight. There was problems with my housing benefit that took three months to sort out, during which time I had got myself into debt because I couldn’t afford to live and pay rent on the money I was getting and with Kieran moving out, it meant I lost out on even more money. I ended up getting a letter about rent arrears with two weeks to pay before they take me to court, so it got me into a bit of a pickle.

Anyone who is on benefits knows that you can apply for an advanced payment which I usually save for Christmas and her birthday, however I had to use that money to pay off the debts that were building whilst waiting for them to still sort out my housing benefit. It wasn’t until my December payment that it finally got sorted, and although I received my back payment, I used that to pay for Luna’s Christmas presents and pay off some of the debt that had been building. This meant that money became tighter.

I still managed to spend money I didn’t have on throwing an awesome party for my little lady and making her Christmas as special as I could. I wouldn’t change it, I don’t care that it made living for the rest of the month tight, because she got to have such an amazing time at her party and didn’t stop smiling. It sucked that many members of her family couldn’t be there, but it didn’t spoil her day.

There comes a point in being a mum that you must make tough decisions. I made the decision to buy all the presents and put both Kieran and my name on it. As far as she was concerned those presents came from both of her parents and I did this for a few reasons. One, Kieran will be giving me half the money spent on her, when he can go back to work. Two, I hate the idea of having parents compete over who brought the better gifts. That drives me up the wall. Thankfully me and Kieran are amicable enough for Luna’s sake to be mature adults about it. Thirdly, I didn’t want to risk us getting her the same presents as we both know what Luna likes and would have looked for things that she would have enjoyed.

I think being a mum means always thinking you could have done more. And I generally feel like this most of the time, but a lot of that stems from how much I really didn’t do to begin with. But Luna is turning into a beautiful little lady and I am beyond proud of her. She makes me want to do better and for every day that I am alive, I am going to make sure that I give her all my effort. She is the only child I have, and she deserves the world.

Surely, I’m not the only parent out there that wants to give their children the world if money wasn’t an object. Any parents out there do the same? Make sure that their children have everything even if it means going without for a while? Let me know and get in touch. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or even Email! I would love to hear from you! I hope wherever you, you are the parent your children deserve. And remember, keep smiling.

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Mumma Life!

It’s been a while…

It’s been a while since I wrote and oh my goodness, do I have so much to tell you amazing readers. I thought it was about time I gave you all an update and an answer for my few months of ghosting my blogging site. It’s not that I have forgotten about any of you, it’s that so much happened in such a short space of time that I needed to gather my thoughts and make something of myself.

Back in September, I got my first flat in my hometown with my baby girl. What was supposed to be a fresh start for us all, turned into a girl’s place for me and my little princess! And if I’m honest, I am finally starting to have a more positive outlook. It’s taken two months, but the flat is looking more like a home than just a moving sight. Thing’s are starting to find their own places and slowly but surely, we are building up a routine that works for both of us.

After four and a half years, Kieran and I have decided to call it a day on our relationship. We had many issues that we never worked through and instead they got pushed back for our daughter to be our focus. We stopped acting like a couple and were co-existing for the sake of her. It’s heart breaking to know that she doesn’t have her two parents under the same roof but it’s going to work out for the best. She will be lucky and have two loving homes filled with parents that adore her more than she will ever realise.

I will not pretend to be the innocent party in the breakup, I was far from it. He tried to love me for all my faults, but we couldn’t make it work. For nearly two years, I have felt like I trapped him. Our daughter was conceived during one of our break ups, and since then, I have felt like he only stuck around for the sake of a child. We stopped paying attention to our issues and focused all our time on Luna. I wish we had done the mature thing and went our separate ways before all the extra drama but that wasn’t the case. I tried to make it work for her sake, as I know he did, but it wasn’t enough. That’s okay, because not everything in this life was meant to work out.

Mentally, I wasn’t okay. I was exhausted. I wasn’t bonding with Luna, I tried to avoid doing things with her because I didn’t want to hurt her or fuck her over. I stopped taking care of myself and didn’t care much for my appearance. I would pretend to be okay for the sake of everyone else. I buried things in the hopes that they would disappear and it’s only recently that I realised just how much it was affecting me.

Since the breakup and him moving out, I have turned the flat into a home. I have done things that I asked him to do and got bored of waiting for. I have organised Luna’s room into a child friendly place and given her a place to call her own. I have managed to get control of my eating and although it’s still not at the routine it should be, I am getting better. But I’m also learning how to be a mother because I have been failing recently.

Its only been since Kieran left, that I realised how much I was thankful for him for. I will not start to badmouth him, but it was definitely an eye opener. I realised how much I relied on him and how much he did without me asking. I am beyond pleased to say that 9/10 times he’s a great dad, which is far better odds than how I was as a mother until a week or two ago. Luna is learning that rubbish goes in the bin and will take it there herself. She is learning to put toys away after herself and that tantrums will not get you attention. But oh, my word, it’s so difficult.

I love my little lady more than anyone will ever know, but she has pushed me to breaking point so many times that I’ve rang Kieran or my mum in tears because I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t cope with telling her off and having to listen to her cry for me. I couldn’t cope with her hitting me and worse, I couldn’t cope with not being her dad. He is her idol and for the almost two years of her life, he did way more than I ever did.

Being a mum is by far one of the most rewarding titles, but it will never cost me my daughter. I may have many areas in which I was lacking, but I am trying my hardest to change that. I am finally getting out of the depression that I sunk so deep into. I am finally recognising the happiness in each and every day. But most of all, I’m finally starting to look on the brighter side to living. Sure, it’s hell sometimes. And I hope that many of you will continue this journey with me.

Lastly, I want to say thank you to every person that liked my Facebook page dedicated to my blog. Unfortunately, that was tied to an account I no longer have access too. I will however be making a new one and I hope that you will all give that one the same love and support that you gave the last. I hope to be blogging more often now and have already started making plans for Blogmas next month! It’s going to be brilliant (I hope). Thank you all for the love and support I have received recently, especially to those that saw I was struggling and held out the arms to welcome me in. I truly appreciate it. You can still catch me on Instagram and twitter by clicking either of those links and I hope to have a new Facebook page up soon. Hopefully it won’t be as long next time, but until then, keep smiling. Ferrari.

Since I posted it, I have now managed to create a new Facebook page, so if you could all go give it a like, I would really appreciate it. 🙂

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Mumma Life!

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.