The last time I wrote on my blog, was back in January and my goodness how so much has changed! It feels so strange to be writing this because for the longest time so far, I honestly thought I was going to give up with my blog. I had preparations to cancel my subscription and everything. However, as you can see, that isn’t the case.
Back in January, I had planned out every day of the month, with having posts scheduled so I wasn’t rushing to complete them after Luna was in bed, so I’m going to try my hardest to actually complete a month at least.
So what’s new? I mean everyone is pretty much stuck in quarantine, which can I just add is boring as it could possibly be. But it’s all for the best. If this is the way to limit exsposure then I am all for it, even if I do feel like I’m going to go crazy! Luna spends a week with me and then I have to let her go to her dads for a week as we are all trapped in houses. The good thing being that she still gets to spend time with her father as that was one of my biggest concerns.
Coming this month, I have a fair few posts lined up! I am trying to aim for a post a day, but every other time I have set a plan, I haven’t stuck to it, but this time I really am going to try. I’ve got lists like top ten Disney Films, ten songs I can’t live without and ten quotes I always try to live by. I’ve got a weekly update on being a first time mum as well as finding the words to express my mental health during these uncertain times. Also my open letter this month is to the world during this pandemic.
If all that sounds interesting, make sure to check out my blog every day for a new post. I aim to get them posted at 8PM British time, but if I haven’t pulled my finger out and got them scheduled, it would all depend on getting little lady to sleep and finishing off the posts. You can keep updated via Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Make sure you are all staying well and healthy, and more than ever, keep your smile!
Welcome back to another year of blogging at OpenUpWithMe! I want to thank every single person who visited my blog last year! Over the course of 2019, I had 1819 views from 981 visitors. (Stats taken on the 28th December) From those views, I received 181 likes and 27 comments. This was my best year for my blog, and I couldn’t be more thankful! Its been read in 20+ countries and I’m overwhelmed with the support I have received from each one of you! You make writing for an audience worth it. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you!
Considering we are now in a new year, I want to do so much more with my blog and for all those that follow it on a regular basis, so I have a few new things going on this month as a trial and if I can stick to it, then I hope to follow it out throughout the year. I have planned a new blog post for every day this month. I hope to get them all out but as you may have realised, I sometimes suck at sticking to plans, so I won’t promise that this will happen, but I certainly want to try my hardest. Now that I have some sort of routine with Luna going to her dads for a few hours every day and one night a week, I am hoping to have my blog posts planned, written and scheduled during these times to maximise my potential.
12 Goals of 2020!
This year, I want to complete more and get more out of my life and try to get myself out of the funk that I seem to have fallen into. I have decided to create 12 goals for the year instead of doing resolutions because as it turns out, I never stick to them, so I don’t even want to try. I have a habit of giving up way too quickly so that idea flew out of the window. However, my goals are broader and there’s less chance of failing. Although there are 12, I’m not planning on getting one completed each month, but I do hope that by the time 2021 comes around, I will have at least completed over half of them.
Complete more of my novel! So, for those of you that don’t know, I have been writing a novel for a few years now. However, due to other commitments and lack of time prioritised to my novel, its still sitting in the writing stage. I won’t say that I will get it completed this year but if I can write a fair amount each month, I will feel better about it. It’s been in the works for too long and I’ve now found inspiration to get it completed. I mean at the moment I only have three or four chapters, but every chapter is planned with a fair amount of detail so it’s just getting my ideas to paper or word documents as the case maybe.
Start Saving! I absolutely suck at saving! I find it physically impossible but after the ending of the last year, I have found that I want to put money aside for little lady’s birthday and Christmas throughout the year, so I don’t end up a charity case again next year. I spent a fair amount of money on her birthday and Christmas without support and ended up skinting myself for the rest of the month. There were other complications that came into play that I should have accounted for, but I didn’t. However, she had the best time and seeing her face at her party and on Christmas day makes it all worth it.
Take Luna out somewhere new once a month! For all of you that have been following my blog closely, I suffered bad with post-natal depression and because of it my relationship with my daughter suffered massively. I want to make it up to her, I want to show her more of the country and do more stuff with her that means she’s not trapped in the flat most of the time. She is the most important person in my life, and I want to create more of a bond with her, filled with memories that can last a lifetime. My mum never had a lot of money, but she took us so many places whilst we were growing up like hiking and going on bike rides and that doesn’t cost a lot of money. Those memories will stay with me for life.
Decorate! Even if I only get one room completed the way I want, its better than the standard white that seems to overrun my poor flat. I want to at least get Luna’s room decorated and spruced up because I think every child should have a colourful room that they can enjoy.
Meet new people! I have made a fair few friends because of my blogging, and those people are there for me without fail whenever I need them. They have seen me through many of my ups and a huge amount of downs. They have made me laugh when I’ve felt like crying and none of them had too. Unfortunately, the closest I’ve come to most of them are facetimes every now and again, or messages via social media. However, I wouldn’t have gotten through last year without them, so I want to make a point of meeting them and thanking them personally, for impacting my life in the way that they did.
Celebrate more! I have a habit of being negative and focusing on the bad for most of my life. This is my reminder to look at the positives more often. I want to celebrate the positives and embrace them a lot more. I want to maximise the amount of positivity that I bring out in others and for that, I need to start with myself.
Do more for charity! I absolutely love doing things for other people. I want to do at least two big fundraising events for this year, one of which will be a walk/marathon. I want to raise money for charities that are close to my heart such as the Meningitis Trust and Children in Need.
Eat better! Its no secret that I have an eating disorder. Its no secret that I have battled with my weight for most of my life. However, I am trying my very hardest to get over my eating disorder. I have managed to put on a few pounds and for me, that’s a massive achievement. I have finally got some meat on me again and my ribs are slowly becoming less obvious. I am trying not to be disgusted every time I step on the scales and notice a gain.
Read one new book a month! I absolutely love reading and I have so many books that I want to read but haven’t got around to them yet. I want to dedicate at least an hour or so into reading them every night once little lady is in bed.
Try one new hobby a month! I want to try new things and try to increase my skill range. I mean I can already play a few instruments, I know how to read music and I love to write but there is so much more that is on offer in the world that I want to broaden my skills and see what other things I might be able to do.
Spend less time glued to my phone! A lot of us spend a fair amount of time on our phones, generally scrolling aimlessly through social media and not really doing anything productive. I want to stop this habit and spend more of my time focusing on the things that matter, like my daughter and my blog. Of course, being a social media addict, I know I will still spend time scrolling for no reason, but hopefully it will be a lot less time than I do now.
Write more letters! I love the idea of getting a written letter. There is nothing that shows more thoughtfulness as well as time and effort as a handwritten letter. I want to focus on finding and maintaining pen pals and bringing back snail mail.
What plans have you got for this year? What are the things that you want to get out of 2020 that you may not have gotten from previous years? Are you like me and can’t stick to resolutions, or have you made some anyway? Let me know either by leaving a comment or getting in touch. Once again, thank you for all your support and for reading what I have to say. As always, you can find me on Facebook, twitter and Instagram or even email me on RariAyliffe@OpenUpWithMe.com. I wish you all a happy new year and remember to keep smiling.
A lot can happen in a year. This time last year, I was coming up to a very dark patch. I started cutting again and even went to the train station ready to end my life. I was prepared to leave my daughter without a mother, and yes, I am aware of how much of a prick that makes me. I was underweight, and having trouble eating. I was living in a toxic environment and couldn’t see any way out. I was afraid of opening up to my boyfriend, because I knew he resented me and because of it, he didn’t care the way he should have. I started this year with 5 cuts on wrist, thankfully only three of them were deep enough to scar. I started this year closer to people that I had met a few months earlier, compared to my family and partner. I didn’t quite understand just how low I was going to get or how I was going to get out of it.
This year taught me a lot!
I learnt that not everyone in your life is meant to be around, or even deserves a place in your life. I learnt that some of my best friends, are people that I speak to once a week, however its always like no time has passed. I learnt that I deserved better than what some people could give and that’s not their fault. I learnt that time and circumstances can change a lot of things, including feelings. I learnt that music will always save me if I let it. I learnt more about being a mother and the kind of mother I want to be. I learnt that just because you’re related to people, doesn’t mean they have an automatic right to be in your life, if they are toxic or offer nothing better than negativity, then they shouldn’t be around.
However, I am thankful for this year because it has been one of my hardest. It pushed and pulled me more than any year before. It tested me more than I thought possible, but it also brought more happiness and love than I thought existed. I realised more about who I am as a person and more about the things that I went through. I left a relationship that despite all the positive parts, wasn’t working and since then we have both come a long way. I found that I deserve more happiness than I give myself credit for, I also know I need to stop living in the past and beating myself up for past mistakes because I have come a long way from the person I was at the start.
I got back in contact with some people that continue to change my life each and every day. I found my way to someone who was my best friend during my school years, and even though neither of us are those girls anymore, our friendship has grown and transformed into something far greater. She is someone that I will always be able to count on, and I know there are days where she feels like she can’t handle what life throws at her, I am there to remind her how far she has come. She is smashing goals and reaching dreams and I am so thankful to have even a tiny part in her life.
I have also learned that I live in my own head most of the time. I tend to believe what my head is telling me, even if logic is telling me that it’s not true. I will shut people out if I think they are getting too close because its easier to blame myself. I already think so little of myself that it’s not hard to believe what I know to be lies by others. Most of the time I am aware but there are times that I don’t know what to believe, and the negatives always seem more likely. I learned that I need to work on my emotions, and I am hoping that I will be able to do that via therapy… IF the person I’m supposed to be talking to doesn’t mumble like a dick. I learnt that I am the first to shut down and turn myself off in an argument. I will act like I don’t care even if I do. Its easier when people leave that way.
I realised that I am probably the reason many people leave. I am very closed off. If I get the slightest impression that you’re getting ready to leave my life, I will push you out so that I can always blame myself. I turn people aware even if I know they are trying to help me. I can’t help it. I am so scared of being alone that I make sure I spend most of my time that way. At least then no one can get close enough to hurt me again. I learnt that I have a wall. Its supposed to keep me safe, to keep out people that only have negative intentions, however, I end up shutting everyone out because I have lost touch with what is true and what isn’t.
I learnt that I believe I am a failure nine out of ten days and because of it, want to quit more times than I do. I look at where I wanted to be and how many things just went downhill and how I still punish myself for not being able to do what I should. I realised that just because this isn’t where I saw myself ten years ago, its still a step up! I spend most of my days with the cutest little lady that I could have created, I must know all about the silly things like Paw Patrol and Trolls. I have to recite the names as she picks up her figurines repeatedly. I put up with films like Frozen, Trolls and Moana on repeat for weeks at a time and I wouldn’t change it because her smile is worth it. I may not have a striving law career, but I have a little lady who depends on me and that tops it!
I have grown in a huge way. I started to be the mother I should have been all along. I haven’t quite stopped punishing myself for the post-natal depression, but I am making sure that is not the person I continue to be. I have tried to let people in, even if I do have a fear of it. I have started to build a life that I want to be proud of, however I still have a long way to go. I know what I want to do with my life, and hopefully once my mind and I aren’t at war, I can start reaching my goals. Just because I’m not there right now, doesn’t mean I won’t get there. I get to end this year with celebrating my beautiful daughters’ birthday and then celebrating Christmas with her face for the first year in our flat. And I can’t wait.
As the door on 2019 closes, I am looking forward to the new decade. I am going to be stronger and happier because that’s what my daughter deserves. I will be taking on new challenges and hopefully finishing my novel that just sits in my creative writing folder that I haven’t touched in months. I will be spending more time with the people I call my best friends and creating memories with our children in places that we spent time in our youth. I will be making memories with my daughter and showing her that happiness comes from inside. People can only affect you if you let them. I will be leaving behind the saddest parts of the decade and looking to my future. It has the power to be whatever I want to make it. I will learn to love myself the way I should. I will learn to appreciate everything that makes me unique and those that make me a force to reckoned with.
I want to thank every single person that has been reading my blog for the duration of this year. It’s been up, its been down but most of all, its been real. Its one of the only ways I can release my emotions in a way that doesn’t have any restrictions. Thank you for giving me a space to do that and for giving me the support that you have. My blog has brought me many new faces that have changed my way of thinking and helped me not give up on it when I wanted too. As always, you can check out my Facebook page, Instagram and Twitter to keep up dated on all things blog related. I hope wherever you are in the world, you’re having a positive time and don’t forget to keep smiling. Ferrari ❤
August wasn’t a bad month for blogging! I beat my previous
month of readers by over 129% and I am truly beyond thankful for you guys
taking the time to read what I’ve written. It really does mean a lot. I’ve been
blogging more consistently over the last year and watching my blog grow has
truly been incredible. I have a new post due to come out every other day so I
can dedicate at least half of my time working on my novel which seems to have
taken a back seat. I also have a new place to move into and decorate which
means that I may not be able to commit to my schedule as much as I would like. However,
I promise to keep everyone updated via my social media accounts.
As you can see, I’ve chosen a dark blue for this month! And
that’s because it’s the month of the Sapphire. According to legend, Sapphire is
said to protect whoever is wearing the stone from evils, harm and stress. I
personally love this gem and think it’s truly beautiful. With that in mind, I
think it’s time to treat myself to a new sapphire set of earrings! I could do
with a less stressful month.
So, what do I have planned for you guys this month?
Liebster Award – thank you Ronald for the nomination.
Superstitions! Of course, that will be live on
Friday the 13th.
Two Mumma Life Posts!
Two Mental Health updates.
An Open Letter to the doctor who saved my life.
And much, much, more!
I am also trying out a followers inspired post! Head over to either my Instagram, Facebook or Twitter pages and let me know a topic that you think I should look at. It could be anything from getting to know me better, current affairs, a film or tv and so on. It can be whatever you want, after all, you all read what I’ve written so much, I thought I could be nice and return the favour.
I owe you amazing readers an explanation. My first interview
with an inspiration post has been postponed until further notice for a few
reasons. Although I have been in touch with said individual, they are currently
in the studio recording new music for their upcoming album. I am eager to get
the ball rolling on this blog series, but I want it to be perfect and true to
the idea in my head. Which means being patient.
Lastly, I want to thank you all for your continued support.
It really does mean a lot to me. I’ve had my fair share of readers reach out to
me, and comment on my work and that truly means the world to me. I love to
write, and it’s becoming much more than just a hobby. But with that, means I’m becoming
more critical of my work and keep second guessing myself. Although, I am trying
to work on that.
If you wish to keep updated with all blog related news, make sure to check out all my social media pages and give them a follow. I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. And more importantly, that you keep smiling. Ferrari.
As written previously, I have decided to put more time and effort into my blog and that’s covering everything from a revamp of the landing page –which I will go into a bit later in the post– as well as making an exciting schedule of blog posts lined up for you. I want to be more consistent and cover more topics within my writing and show a bit more into the rollercoaster that is my life.
Two years ago this month, I wrote my first proper piece; Addison’s Disease and me. That one post was probably one of my most viewed pieces of work until a few months ago and I have come a long way since then. I have changed in personality; I became a mother and I managed to beat the disease that I had -more information regarding that will be coming in a future post… I promise, I won’t make you wait too long.-I also moved back to Essex and stopped studying a degree. Because of two amazing years writing sporadically and not really understanding my blog, I have taken the time to change it. To make it more current and worth visiting. You readers take time out of your busy days to read what I’ve written, so I want to show that it is worth it.
Starting off the updates with a better use of colours and pictures throughout my blog. Each month, I will be writing a post like this, to give you a rough insight into what is coming up and what posts are cannotmiss! You’ll notice certain themes building such as my choice of using birthstones to represent my monthly updates. I thought there was no better way to represent each month with its own official stone as found on H Samuels Website and use them as a starting point. Originally, birthstones weren’t so much to do with birth, more so to do with the different months. Apparently wearing said gemstones during that month is supposed to enhance the characteristics. So, for August, we have Peridot which doesn’t have a lot of folklore attached to it but it’s still pretty and ‘is said to attract love and quieten feelings of anger, as well as soothing nerves and warding off negative emotions.’ If you have any of these gems laying around the house, this month would be the perfect time to add them to your wardrobe.
This is my first month where I will be dedicated to bringing out content every other day at 8PM (I think it’s GMT, but I fail at geography and time zones… it’s a weakness.) We have some posts that will be more frequent like ‘Mumma Life’ and ‘Mental Health’ and some that will only appear once a month like ‘An Open Letter’ and ‘This or That’. All because I want to give you guys more of a reason to want to read what I write. Towards the end of July, I was thankful to have one of my favourite singers, an International award-winning singer/songwriter agree to be my first ‘Interview with an Inspiration’. I will let out more details about that in the days to come with the piece hopefully making its way out for the 13th of this month! Are you excited? I know I am. Make sure you are following me on social media because it’s a piece I am really looking forward to writing and I get to interview someone who’s music has been in my playlist for years.
I want my readers to get to know me a little better because I am a lot more than my mental health and being a mum. I’m more than just a sister and an aunt. And considering many of you read every post I write, I figured it would be a way for you to understand who I am! I wrote a few months ago that I wanted to bring back the colour and I intend to do so. I want my blog to be a place where you can escape for a few minutes whilst you read what I write. I want you readers to be involved with posts inspired by you guys every month! Because I wouldn’t have an audience to write for if it wasn’t for you. So, I want you to have your say!
Within the next month I am looking at upgrading my package with WordPress which means putting in more hours and more dedication. I will have my own domain and much more ability to have my blog the way I want! So, you never know, you might look at my blog for two posts in three days and the website have changed dramatically. But it keeps things exciting.
Thank you for reading about what’s coming to you in August! I couldn’t do this without you guys and I truly appreciate it. If you head over to various platforms such as Twitter, Instagram or Facebook, I hope that wherever you are in the world, you’re happy and healthy and you keep smiling. Ferrari.