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Being a mum❤️ Family❤️ Lifestyle❤️

My silver lining. ❤️

I feel like my post earlier was pretty dark. I mean yes I have bad days but I have the greatest light of all.

My daughter is my everything. I live every day for her! I push myself when I feel weak because she is my strength. She has the cutest smile and the best cuddles. She has the brightest eyes and the warmest laugh. If you ever have the pleasure to meet her, I bet you remember her.

She saved me. Last year, I was going through some of the hardest moments of my life. We found out we were having her and it gave me purpose. She gives me purpose. She is such a happy baby girl that I couldn’t have asked for more. Every morning she will wake up between 7-9, she has her breakfast, listens to music and dances about. She loves a good swivel! She laughs and plays with us. She’s learning to walk and loves to explore. She’s such a little character. She has her nap and sleeps at about 8. All day we are on our toes but all day she keeps us smiling.

I live for cuddles with her because they make everything perfect.

See. No matter how bad my day may get. No matter how low I feel. She is enough to keep me sane. She gives the sloppiest kisses and the silliest high fives. She will copy my laugh and then laugh at it. It’s beautiful. There is nothing more honest in this world, than a child’s laughter.

Yes today was a bad day. But Luna is alive, she’s happy and she’s healthy. And that’s all I could ever ask for as a mother. So although mentally it was exhausting and draining, I have way more to be thankful of.

I am truly blessed. And I am so thankful for her each and every day! She is by far my greatest moment. She is the love of my life. A love that is pure and unconditional. I will love her beyond my lifetime because she is my legacy. And if I get one thing right in this world, I know it will be her.

I am thankful for being alive and sharing memories with her. I am thankful that I get to be her mum and bring her up with her amazing father. Because I am beyond thankful for him. He keeps me sane most of the time and is beyond perfect with her. He is the definition of a father. He lives and breathes for her. And that’s all I could ever ask. I love you both beyond words. Beyond actions.

I am thankful for all my readers. For helping me smash records. You let me write what I want and read it with great feedback. You support me and I truly appreciate it.

I am thankful for my friends that know who they are. That I don’t give enough credit to. Thank you for still being here even though I’m tough to handle sometimes. And to my family that put up with me day in and out. I love you all. ❤️

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Health❤️ Lifestyle❤️

It’s okay to not be okay.

Today. I sat in the bath and just cried. I cried because it hurts. Right now, I am battling yet another infection as well as my mental health. I’m trying to battle being a great mum and a loving partner. I’m trying to push myself into being happy but it’s not working.

I can spend so many hours making sure that those around me have someone to talk to when they need them but half the time I just want someone to talk to me. To ask me if I’m okay and mean it so that I can open up to someone. I want someone to be able to look me in the eye and already know that I’m having a bad day and just hug me without saying a word. I want someone to care enough to make the effort.

I know that I spend most of my days portraying a facade. I pretend that I’m happy and okay. I pretend that nothing is bothering me. I paint this picture that I can handle anything because I want my daughter to know that she is capable of anything. That no matter what this life throws at us, we take it and rise above it.

That is me at my most vulnerable. Naked and alone. It takes everything in my fibre to bring my head back up when I’m washing it even though my brain is telling me to just give up. I battle my brain telling me how easy it would be to break the razor and give myself real physical pain. I battle my brain telling me that there’s no point in continuing because nobody cares. I battle myself every day. Whether it’s infections or mental well-being.

I know that again I’m pushing people away. I know that I’m building barriers again to protect everyone from myself. I know that I reached out to people and had it thrown in my face. I have people telling me that it’s gonna be okay and it’s just a bad day. I get that. But what do I do when the bad days outweigh the good? What do I do when I cause myself so much pain and suffering? What do I do when I’m the reason for my pain?

I’m so scared each and every day. I’m scared that I’m just gonna give up on myself the way I feel like everyone else has. I’m scared that I’m gonna push everyone away because I can’t stand to be hurt again. I can’t stand to feel isolated by people that claim to care.

But for now, I will continue to fight and each every day. I’ll fight alone if I have to but I won’t give up trying. I may feel like it. I may feel like everyone would be happier without me but I know that it’s because I’m down that it’s magnified. I know one day in my future, my mental health is going to be okay and the good days will outweigh the bad. I will fight for that brighter future because I deserve it.

Just because I have a smile and I’m laughing, doesn’t mean that internally I’m not screaming out. I know that I have friends that care. I know I have a partner who adores me. And I have the most perfect little girl. They are worth fighting for.

This is two sides to the very same coin. Taken on the same day. Within ten minutes of each other. And it’s okay. It’s okay to be happy and it’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to cry and let it out. It’s okay to not be okay all the time. It doesn’t make you any weaker. It doesn’t make you any less of a person. But you have the ability to make others feel better! Don’t waste it.

This post isn’t for attention. It isn’t for sympathy. It’s for recognition. I want you to recognise that even those that paint the biggest smiles are suffering. I want you to just hug those you care about and let them know that they mean something to you. I want you to check in on those that you know aren’t okay. Because right now, they may just need a chat or even a distraction.

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Being a mum❤️ Family❤️ Lifestyle❤️ Uncategorized

Don’t be afraid to be who you are.

Long before I found out that I was pregnant, I wanted to be a person that my siblings and nieces could look up to. I know there are times where I have failed miserably and sometimes, I lose it way too quickly but one thing they can say is, that I stand up for my views and what I believe in. I may just be one person, but I believe that my voice matters. Everyone’s voice matters!

When I started this blog, I wanted a space to share my views and my beliefs without feeling like I was ramming them down people’s throats. I gave myself the space to write what I want and how I feel and if people wanted to read it, it would be down to them. I wanted to cover a range of topics, no matter how personal or controversial they would be. Now, I know, not everyone will agree with what I’m saying and loads of people with have their own opinions which is great. I want to provoke healthy discussion on issues.

A few weeks ago, me and my partner were walking to the shops just down the road, we were talking, and he realised that I was wearing all his clothes. It’s true. I had my bra and underwear on, but I also had his boxers over the top, his joggers, his top and jumper on. I have always found that men’s clothes are better comfort wise compared to women. It got me thinking, why is it socially acceptable for females to cross-dress and wear men’s clothes but not the other way around? Why is it that many people of the world have such a problem with men wearing women’s clothes but not vice versa? Why is it that the world we see today, the world in which our children are growing up in, so hypocritical? Why are there such views around what we wear? It’s not just men that receive this but women also.

Some men are taught from a young age that its not acceptable to wear women’s clothes, they are taught that it’s feminine and that it means that they are gay or have gay tendencies. This isn’t true. You can be completely straight and still wearing a dress. I have friends that have dressed up with their daughters because they asked them to. I have friends that let their sons wear fairy wings and put on a dress. They wanted their children to be comfortable and wouldn’t knock them for trying.

Some of them said there wasn’t a problem whilst they were playing, but they would find it awkward in other situations and that’s where their problem was, whilst others have said there wasn’t a problem with them, but they would avoid it as it was a problem for the outside world. Some people felt that by saying no, they would be putting issues onto the child and others felt that saying what they can or can’t do will only push them further into it.

Now for me, I want my daughter to be open and accepting. I want her to be who she wants without fear of discrimination and without fear of others. I want her to wear what she wants, be who she wants to be and love whoever she feels she has a connection with. I want her to be able to go out in what she wants with her head held high and pride in who she is. Had she been a boy, I would be the same. If I ever have a son, and he said to me that he wanted a pram, I’d go down the shops and buy him one for his birthday or Christmas, because he shouldn’t have to feel like it’s a girl’s toy. I know many men push their children in prams and that is all you are setting them up for. If he wanted to go out to the shops or to play in a princess dress and pretend, he’s a princess, then guess what, I will help get him dressed and I will sit him down. I will explain that although there is nothing wrong in how he wants to dress or what he wants to play with, the world has their own opinions and may think it’s wrong. I’d tell him that people would point and stare with possible comments because he was different, and they couldn’t accept that.

I think children need an imagination. They need to believe in magic and make believe because it helps them broaden their minds. It helps them become more creative and more unique. It helps develop writers and poets, acting and theatre stars, it helps them become musicians and activists. It helps create a brighter world. The world gets gloomier as you grow older, so let a child be a child. Let them live with no fear of the outside world, they will grow up and have enough of it. The world will have rules for them that will attempt to limit who they are and what they can do. So just let them live while they are young. Let them play with what they want to play and wear what they want to wear.

I do not have a problem with allowing children and people to be who they want to be. But the world we live in does. I have been alive 25 years, and its only recently that a gay couple, whether it be men or women, are finally allowed to marry each other. That’s horrendous. Why as a society do, we feel that we can dictate who we can or can’t love just because it’s not traditional? Why is it, as a society, we feel that its okay to victimise people because they are different? Why, as a society, do we think it’s okay to belittle people because they are different?

I know many people feel differently, and I get that. It is okay to think differently. We are all individuals and are all unique. Even identical twins have different fingerprints. Each person on this planet matters. If they want to dress different, why do we feel that we are worth more and can tell them differently? We are all made up on skin and bones. We all will live in this world and wear clothes. We will all have different views, and nobody can tell you that you are wrong. Just don’t be hypocritical. That is where my problem lies.

When I wrote this, I wanted to have some research behind me. I looked at celebrities that have cross-dressed and they are still respected. Celebrities like the entire band Queen, who did the I Want to Break Free video in drag. They are one of the greatest rock bands this world has ever seen and yet, that video caused so much controversy at the time, where as now is considered iconic. Weasley Snipes, Patrick Swayze, John Leguizamo who dressed up in drag for a role in a film and yet they are still great actors and it hasn’t changed who they are. The film in question is ‘To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar’, check it out on IMDB if you believe me. Another iconic film with drag, is Rocky Horror Picture Show. That film is incredible but also banned in some countries. They are all living and breathing. Wearing a dress didn’t change who they are. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114682/

I know for me, I will allow my daughter to be who she wants. I will hold her hand and show her off with pride. Because I want her to know that she is who she is, and we love her regardless. I just wish the world was a bit more accepting. I’d rather surround myself with people that express themselves freely than try to determine who they should be.

 ❤️

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Family❤️ Lifestyle❤️

Swings and roundabouts.

It’s funny. I started writing my blog post when Luna went down for her nap at around lunch time and it couldn’t be more different to what I’m writing now at nearly 8.

So to begin with my day started off beautifully. I got cuddles with my little princess and I was happy. Within an hour, we found out that my mums car had been broken into along with a few overs and it really annoyed me. Why do people do that? Like really? Just so you know, one of the cars that you broke into and could only steal the face of the radio off, yeah that was my mums Christmas present that she received 36 hours prior. So well done. I hope you’re proud. I hope the £9.99 face was worth it. I hope it gave you such a rush and it makes your Christmas perfect. But know that you will not dampen my spirit or make me think any less.

You had a choice. A choice in which you committed a crime, multiple times. That choice you repeated, was a bad one. Now, I could let you get the better of me and be angry that you destroyed her property, but I won’t. Instead I hope that you get yourself out of this funk and eat a proper meal, your legs are twig thin. It can’t be healthy. But after today, you will be just a person who made a bad choice. The window will be replaced, an alarm will be fitted and she will continue to drive it.

After reporting the crime, we found out that even though he didn’t wear gloves, even though there was cctv footage of him, he got away with it because they wouldn’t be taking it further. Again I got annoyed that there wouldn’t be justice. Again I felt betrayed by people, but I wouldn’t let it throw me. He may have got away with some possessions, he may have broken four vehicles in total, but it brought people together. We got to know our new neighbours and we all had a right laugh at your expense. We made a joke out of you and continued our day. Because you will not beat us.

At about 4 this afternoon, I got a call about an appraisal for some of the items my Nan had left my auntie Jackie that she had given to mum to sell. We took them down and found out about the items in question of which, one was a locket. It had old photos in them, ones of my aunts and uncles, but behind them was a picture of a man that me and my sister didn’t recognise. We put the picture to one side so we could show mum. Well, when we did, we found out that it was a picture of my great grandad, someone my mum had never seen before but she knew exactly who he was. It’s funny because had we not sold the locket, we would never have taken out the pictures. We may have lost a face from the radio but we gained a more important one.

Charles Samuel Bolton, my great grandad. ❤️

You see. Life is all swings and roundabouts. (Or so I’m told 🤷🏼‍♀️). If a day starts off bad, it may not end that way. Just hold out hope.

P.S. to those of you that asked why I hadn’t written. The truth is, I’m not okay. So even though I really want to write, and most of the time I do, I think that you guys wouldn’t want to read it. So I don’t post it. I would rather write with quality than consider my quantity. But I love you guys and I am so thankful to you. ❤️

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Lifestyle❤️

Reflection

This weeks topic is reflection and I’m going to be doing it a little differently.

On Wednesday I turned 25, (which is why I haven’t really updated over the last fortnight. I’ve had so much going on. I have gone and gotten a full time job and celebrated so here I am to make it up to you guys.) And it got me thinking, about who I am and where I want to end up. So this week, I am going to do at least three separate posts, all covering reflection. Today’s post will be all about looking at who I was as a child and growing up. The second post, will be about looking at who I am now and where my life is heading. The third post will be about the future. The person I want to be and where I want to be with my life.

Time spent in self-reflection is never wasted. It’s an intimate date with yourself.

I couldn’t be further from the person I was growing up. Before I hit secondary school, I was one of the smartest and bubbliest girls. I was in the Polymath team, the athletic team as well as being on the school council, studying the clarinet and helping out in the lunch hall as much as I could. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t popular because I had my group of girl mates. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have all the new toys or outfits because I knew that my mum was doing the best job she could.

I attended church as much as I possibly had time for. I was enrolled as a Junior Solider at the Salvation Army. I learnt how to play musical instruments in the band, (I’ve played things like a cornet and a horn, they helped me read music, I sang in the choir, attended a games night for children, attended Sunday School as well as going away camping.) I was a Brownie and a Girl Guide and got to attend events at THFC, the Millennium Dome (before it was the 02 stadium), as well as camping for Jubilee’s. I earned many of my badges and have many experiences that will stay with me for life. They taught me essential life skills.

I was so fortunate in my life to have some of the greatest girls around me during primary school. There was no doubt that you’d find me with Simpson, Floyd, Curtis and Webber and we’d be running around like headless chickens. I thought we’d all be friends for life considering how close we all were but that changed when I chose to go to a catholic secondary school instead of the one all the girls was going to. I knew I had to start again. That choice meant that I lost contact with all the girls, it didn’t help that I moved away in my first year of secondary school which meant that I was even further from all the friends I thought I had.

The first secondary school I went to, I only knew two girls that were also going there. One of them I knew quite well but she wasn’t in my close group and another was one of the girls that bullied me. I remember a lot about that school, about how I dreaded going in most days, how I pretended to be someone I wasn’t to fit in, how I started to become someone I hated. I turned into a bully with a vicious tongue. I developed too much of a back bone and took it too far on some people I believed were less than me because I wanted to be liked. That was unfair of me and I will live with those choices that I made. To those I hurt during that year, I am sorry. It doesn’t take back the things I did nor the words I said but I do wish I hadn’t.

The second school I went to was just across the road from where we moved to. It was two weeks before the end of my first year and it was actually pretty decent (my first day not the school, school was awful).

Can we just remember what our firsts days at secondary school was like? Especially if you moved near the end of the year? Now try and imagine you had a name like Ferrari!

The tutor group I moved into, had some pretty decent people in it. I was with these children for the next four years and I would say, I was actually pretty lucky. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t remember every day of school but I remember things that would probably surprise people. I spoke to at least half of them during my time at school, although I’m sure I spoke to everyone at some point but I didn’t really hang out with most. Looking back I noticed that the people I called friends changed every year. Sometimes I fell out with people and other times we just stopped talking.

I spent most of my time at school laughing and joking. Life is so much easier to handle when you joke about it. Although I did have my moments. If I remember correctly, during our leavers assembly, our tutors spoke about the group of students they had, with my tutor referring to each of his class as Disney characters. He said that I was like Tinkerbell, because I was lovely most of the time, but although I may be small, when I lost my temper, everybody knew about it, that and I only had room for one emotion at a time. Probably one of the things I agree with him on 😂. The truth was most of the time, I acted. I acted like I was okay and happy. I acted like things weren’t bothering me so when I lost it, it was the result of bottling things up.

After school I went to college and had a breakdown. I saw the strongest person I know break down before my eyes and I just lost all control. I left halfway through the year and never completed it. I couldn’t cope with all the emotions and stress that I was dealing with. For a 16 year old who not only watched her mum break down, trying to help as much as I could, dealing with losing my hair and an underlying medical condition that I still had no idea about. I had a lot on my plate.

It wasn’t until a year or two later that I actually went back when I thought I wanted to go and study law. So I studied Business to get me into university. In the first year, I achieved 9 out of 9 distinctions for my units. During that summer, I had my first adrenal crisis and ended up diagnosed with my life threatening disease. I went back to college to complete my course and despite having 3 months off for appendicitis, I managed to walk out with a triple distinction.

So what did I learn about myself by looking at my past?

  • I changed around people to fit in more. Who you were changed how I acted.
  • I just grew apart from loads of people because I believed in the wrong ones.
  • I had too much of a need to be wanted and liked.
  • I felt like I had to be what people expected.
  • I was, and probably still am, a people pleaser and I suck at it.
  • I was very outgoing as a child. Spoke to everyone and did quite a lot for my age.
  • I am determined, intelligent and strong, even when I doubt myself.

I guess in a way I’m still that person. I’m still a strong person who doesn’t give up. It’s just my dreams changed. I’m still a people pleaser and probably should stand up for myself more. I have also grown apart from people for no reason and it’s a shame. But I’m quite fortunate enough to have the friends that I do have. I may not have memories dating back to my childhood with 99% of them but they have still had an impact on my life.

My home life, with the disabilities throughout the house probably shaped why I spent a lot of my time out of it. Although my family are close, a lot of my effort went to people outside that were “normal” as I thought it was what I wanted. Turns out it was just to be accepted.

I think a lot of us just wanted to be accepted. I think we spend too much of our time trying to please other people instead of staying true to who we are. We believe that what society thinks of us is more important that what we think of ourselves. I think we try to live up to impossible standards and exhaust ourselves trying to reach a never ending target.

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Lifestyle❤️

Inspiration.

“There are billions of people in this world and sometimes all you need is one.”

This week I want to focus on inspiration. The people that push me to be better and that are worth having around. The ones that make me feel like I want to be better. The ones that haven’t given up on me and help me each day. The ones that help me face my fears. The ones that help me reach my stars.

I have always been really fortunate. I have many people that I look up to and inspire me.

The most important person is my baby girl. She inspires me each and every day. I wouldn’t give up fighting because I know that she needs her mum. I push my boundaries because I don’t want to pass my fears on to her. Just one smile from her and I’m so warm inside that I never want to see her without it. She makes me want to be the best mum I possibly can. To always give her the best. To fight her demons and to be her strength.

Another major influence in my life is my cousin. A fair few years ago she picked up and moved to a different country. Many people said she’d be back but I think that was wishful thinking on their part. Because she hasn’t. Since being out there she has found true love, made bricks and mortar into her family home and started her family. She has pushed me to believe in myself so many times and I know she’s always there when I need her. She has never let things hold her back. She hasn’t always believed in herself but I can tell you now, I have. To me, she is fearless. She is an amazing mum and an incredible friend. She makes me so proud. She helped me to follow my dreams and go to university. I know I always have her support and I know I can do anything I want.

My family push me to be stronger each and every day. My mum has gone through hell and back yet came out the other side and is stronger for it. She doesn’t let her past define who she is. She handles three autistic children without any help and preserves through all her troubles. She has always let me follow my dreams and makes sure that she can help me every way she can.

Both my mum and my cousin are so much stronger than they would let you believe. They have more courage and tenacity than many people I’ve met but they also don’t shout it from the rooftops. They are two of the greatest people in my life and even when they are at their lowest, they smile and pretend that everything’s okay. They won’t let anyone see their weakest days. And I love them so much.

I’m also fortunate enough to have many friends around me that have helped inspire me to write my story. They have influenced how and who is in it. They all have characteristics that I’ve incorporated and because of it, I know I’m gonna have one hell of a story. (More to come on that as it unfolds)

Thank you. Thank you for letting me have people to believe in. Thank you for pushing me to be the best version of myself I can. And thank you letting me experience your strength first hand. ❤️