I wanted my smile for so long…

I spent so long working up the courage to finally go to the dentist and get my smile back. I worked hard on being able to sit in the dentists chair without freaking out and having panic attacks. I overcame the fear that arose every time a needle was mentioned and I would literally swing my arms and legs about if I thought for a second that you were going to come anywhere near my teeth before I was ready.

I had a dentist who would say he was numbing your mouth, and he did, but he started the work long before your mouth was numb. I had my own mother hold me down because I was petrified and all she did was add fuel to the flames. I had reasons after reasons for avoiding the dentist. I mean I could brush my teeth a thousand times, but the stomach acid that I was bringing up was going to do more damage than brushing them could ever fix. I could have stopped eating the stuff that I was, but atleast I was eating and that mattered to me more.

Last Thursday, I had 12 teeth ripped from my mouth with countless stitches and I was so over the moon. The pain didn’t matter because I had my smile back and that was all that I wanted for the longest time. I wanted to not be ashamed of my teeth. I wanted to be able to talk and smile without having something in front of my mouth. The dentist put me on paracetamol, ibuprofen and dihdrocodeine and by Monday, I was back up the doctors getting something stronger because I was crying my eyes out. After taking a look at how swollen and sore my mouth was, I was prescribed tramadol. Two days later, I was back up the doctors getting antibiotics because there was an infection in one of the gaps which of course meant I was in even more pain.

I haven’t eaten a full meal since last Wednesday. I cant chew because its still way too sensitive. I have an ulcer appear where the denture sits on my gums because its constantly rubbing and I have swallowed way too much salt water to ever want to go near the ocean again. I am still in pain over a week after it happened and today I cried my eyes out. I cried because, for the first time in 9 days, I want my horrid teeth back. I want to be able to eat a meal, hell i’d settle for being able to suck on cake without it hurting. I cried because today, even though I love my smile, I wanted to go backwards.

I know that my teeth will be worth it. I know that of course I should expect pain, I had 12 teeth out and that’s a big operation. But right now, I am in a vulnerable state. I am in pain and I do spend most of my time sleeping or taking tablets. I am so thankful that Kieran has managed to be amazing, like he always is with Luna and has been doing an incredible job looking after her whilst I’ve been recovering. Thank you to my amazing friends who have rang me countless times to check up on me and thank you Liam for always letting me wake you up when I’m awake in pain. Thank you all for not letting me go through this by myself.

 

Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

A smile is the best accessory you can wear…

Yesterday, it’s no secret that I went back to the dentist like I have been every few weeks for the past few months. Only the last few visits have been preparing me for the work that I had done. They had been doing the fillings, here and there so that when they put me under, the could rip out 12 teeth and they wouldn’t have to put me through it twice. I made my way, for one of the final times to Guys Hospital and got my teeth removed. They inserted a partial denture and I don’t think I have stopped smiling since!

I am a happy person and for years, I smiled without a care in the world. However, due to a life threatening condition, an eating disorder and pregnancy, really did a number on my teeth and I got the point where I hid my smile. I knew people were judging me for how bad they were and they were my front teeth. There was no way to hide it. I would smile as long as my mouth was closed. I talked with my hand in front of my mouth a lot so I could feel like no one was seeing it. Only they were.

For years, I have battled with my self confidence! For years, I struggled with wanting to go out and talk to people. I struggled because it didn’t matter how much I brushed them or flossed them because the acid in my stomach was worse. I’ve had countless people ask me what was wrong with them, why they cracked and crumbled and why they were missing. Yet every question, pushed me further into a depression because I used to love my smile. My eyes and my smile were the only two things I actually loved about myself. It was something that made me who I was!

It took me years to get back into a dentist’s chair. It took me endless chats with some of the greatest friends I’ve got. I was so scared and paranoid that they were just going to rip them out, that I put off going even more. I was scared for every needle, for every procedure but I did it. I went back again and again with one of my best friends and my niece, as they held my hands and told me it was all going to be okay. Every single person I confided in, was amazing! My friends spoke to me every time I was anxious about going, the nurses and dentists at Guys were all brilliant.

Today, I have not stopped smiling. I may have a mouth full of hole and stitches but I have something much more than pain! I’m on three different pain killers, and my mouth didn’t stop bleeding until last night. But I have teeth, and yes, most of the top set is fake and I couldn’t care because I have my smile back! My smile and my confidence is slowly working its way back. I may have been scared. I may have cried and I may have walked out a hundred times, but I still went back and I’m so glad that I did. Because my fear, may not be completely gone but I am working on it.

I am so thankful for every single person that has been a part of my journey to getting my smile back. Thank you to my niece and Liam for coming with me, time after time, thank you to the staff that gave me my smile. And thank you to my close friends who were there.

I still have to go back for my reviews and hopefully it’s all good news but I’m still scared. Even though I’m not having work done, I still have to go and sit in that chair. But hopefully, I’ll be in a better place. Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, don’t stop smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

No one can fault you for trying…

Write what should not be forgotten. – Isabel Allende

Everything I write on my blog, will be on the big wide world of the web. So I want to use it as a place to be remembered. I want people to be able to use my blog to express how they’re feeling when they can’t find the words… the only problem being sometimes I don’t even know the words to express how I feel. I am way too harsh on myself, and wont post something if I find it awful… probably why I have over 45 drafts… And I’ve found that it’s so much easier to write when I’m not at war with myself. So what do I do when I am at war with myself? I cry. A lot. Because I hate not being able to express myself through my words.

I can get myself into such a state. I am living with constant rollercoaster and I’m pretty sure the downs wouldn’t be as bad if I opened up when they were happening. I know I should, okay? I’m very much aware of the complications I create myself, but it’s not as simple as that to me. My brain has so much trouble with the ‘grey’ area, and even though it may not seem like it, I am working on that. It’s just hard. To me, a simple thing, would be blown way out of proportion because of the way I can’t express myself depending on the mood I am in. Sometimes I am so easy to get along with. I can take a joke and everything is great. However, sometimes I just lose control, and all the little things getting to me become too much.

I worry that the “little things” aren’t so little. I worry that those problems, will be too much and there’s no turning back, which is why I don’t discuss them. Then, when all the little ones build up, I lose it and by that point, there isn’t a chance to turn back. Slowly i’m accepting that I need to address things quickly, but I also need those nearest to me to understand that when I say I’m okay, its because I don’t want to talk about it and its not an invitation to ask further questions. That is one sure way, not to get me to open up.

I get so scared that people are going to leave me because of some of the thoughts that go through my head. There are times where I know I am being stupid but for some reason I can’t stop myself, its a defense mechanism. I get so scared people are going to leave so I push them away before they get a chance. Or, they get too close and I have to shut them out because IF they were to leave, it would utterly destroy me. I don’t believe that I am enough, I was hurt so badly that I can’t accept it when things are going well. That same fear creeps in because my past has taught me that even the ones that are supposed to never leave, will. So the ones that say they will never leave, still could.

I have walls up for my own protection. There are days where my existence feels lonely and isolated, because the fear has grown so strong, that I have no choice but to suffer in silence. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that my feelings are sometimes overbearing. I can be completely rational one moment and the slightest change in my feelings, will cause my brain to do a complete 180 and I can’t slow it down or even stop it. I feel like I can’t love myself so why should anyone else. I lose count of how much I ask that I’m enough because I have never felt like it. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have no confidence when it comes to myself. Yet, I can put on one hell of a persona, and that persona would have you believe that I could do anything I set my mind too. The truth is, I’m so scared to be who I really am, because who I am is emotional and overwhelming. My mind is a whirlwind but sometimes, its more of a blessing than a curse.

Nothing in this world is easy, I know that from my hard past. Yet, I am still fighting so that has to count for something. I still write, even though I think there isn’t a point some days. I still try because if I do give up, I’m teaching Luna that it’s okay to stop when things get too tough. The truth is, you can take a break. Sometimes a break from all situations will do you more good than you realise. I may not have been able to write for a while, but I’m still trying.

I battle myself each and every day. I don’t think I can remember when I didn’t battle myself over something. I battle whether or not to bring something up or to bury it till it finds its own way out later. I battle whether to walk out my door and face people even though I feel like a failure. I battle with every thought and feeling, questioning if it’s rational or not. So remember that the next time I do decide to open up. Because I would have battled myself for hours on whether or not to say something.

Every one has their own battles, and most of the time, we can’t see them. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t pushing through them and trying. It’s the ones that don’t give up, even when life gives them so many reasons too. I try even on the days where I feel like running and hiding. Sometimes I fail and that takes a serious toll on me. But on the times that I don’t, I know nobody can take it away from me. This life with borderline is hard, but I haven’t stopped trying yet.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMe and head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

Borderlines and their favourite people ❤️

Today, I wanted to write about a part of BPD that is hardest on me because it’s the part closest to my heart. It’s hard to explain to others about what a favourite person is, but I can tell you now, I wouldn’t be as strong or as stubborn without mine.

To a borderline, a favourite person is more than just a person, they are the strongest bond they have. They can be family, friends or even partners and some lucky people get to have more than one. They are the person or people that they turn to for everything, whether it’s for reassurance, guidance and advice, comfort or because we know they’re the only people that can talk us out of our episodes. They are the ones that we couldn’t go a day without talking too, and yes, I’m aware of how bad that can be.

It’s not all bliss, because although they have the power to pick us up, they can also destroy us without meaning too. From personal experience, I know that I argue with mine a lot because I don’t open up to them when I know I should. If I did, I know they’d talk me out of whatever troubles I had yet I can’t for multiple reasons. Fear controls me a lot of the time. The fear of rejection, the fear of being left and the fear of being too much, all make me overthink everything. Once I start thinking, I wonder how anyone could or would put up with me, I wonder if I annoy them, I wonder if they only put up with me because they feel sorry for me.

My head convinces me that molehills are mountains. That a slight problem is much more than what it is. When this happens, I feel like I’m losing the people that keep me grounded, I do everything I can to try and stop it even when the problem isn’t that big. That becomes needy and clingy. I can’t stop it. I try but I feel worse. Then the problem escalates and they need space. This is something I can’t do without problems. To me, space is them out the door. And if the problem doesn’t get sorted that day, I become unbearable in my own head. Yet, all of it could be avoided if I just asked them.

But when I do finally stop being an idiot, they have the power to change any bad mood, they cancel every negative thought and they make me see sense. They are the light. And I couldn’t be more thankful. Because without them, I’d be worse than I am.

My favourite people mean everything to me. And I try to keep them close so much that I risk losing them. But I hope that I never do. Because they are the strength that keeps me going. They are the music on a bad day. A joke when I’m close to tears. They are everything I need in my life and I hope they never leave. Because that would be my biggest fear. It’s hard because they are a part of me. And right now, I feel like I’m losing them.

To the ones I love when I can’t love myself, to the ones that are my smile when I’m lost. I don’t think you understand how much I really need you. I’ll always need you. I’m just scare that it’s too much.

If you’re someone’s favourite person, if you’re the closest person someone has, make sure they know how special they are and that you wouldn’t want to lose them. You’re their biggest reassurance and if they can’t come to you, they will self destruct. ❤️

#BorderlinePersonalityMonth ❤️

For the whole of May, it’s BPD month, so I figured as someone with this mental illness, that a blog post dedicated to it would be worth it. It’s one of the hardest illnesses that I’ve ever had the misfortune to have because it affects each and every day of my life.

Ever since I got diagnosed, I’ve had nothing but trouble. Most people will look down their noses at me because they don’t understand. They will belittle me because it’s easier than open their ears and listening. And mostly, too many people don’t care and will happily trigger you so they can tell you how much of a horrible person I am. Yet, I’m one of the most open and caring people I have ever met, and even though my days are hard, there are some good points.

Symptoms

  • Needing attention
  • Emotional Outbursts
  • Social Withdrawal
  • Self-Destructive Behaviours
  • Being Clingy
  • Forgetting Things
  • Getting upset about simple things
  • Weird and unusual triggers
  • Needing validation

As someone with BPD, I have experienced all of these and so many others. I have emotional outbursts that don’t make sense that have stemmed from something so small. I have outbursts because I don’t feel like I can tell people what’s really bothering me. I shut myself off all the time and I cling onto people that I care about because rejection and abandonment fill my head each and every day. During times of emotional distress, I end up verbally lashing out. I end up pushing those I love away and making the situation a thousand times worse. And they are coming from not wanting to be left again. Because I can’t see the grey, it’s either good or bad, never okay and because of it, I can go from one extreme to the other at the drop of a hat. It’s uncontrollable and soul destroying when I hit the bad parts. It’s like a darkness swallowing me whole. It feels like I’m the worst person in the world who doesn’t deserve love and friendship.

I could talk about the negatives until the cows come home but that’s only one side to this disorder. I may experience the worst of the worst, but I also get to experience the best of the best. And those are the moments I live for. For pure happiness. It’s like being so high that nothing can touch you. At that moment, you feel like nothing can hurt you and it’s perfect.But here are the positive sides to this condition that are underestimated.

  • My relationships with people mean everything to me. I have a big heart and care about everyone in my life. I have listened and been there for people long after I should have. I have cared for people long after they stopped caring for me. I have been there for people I barely know and I have listened to people that needed me.
  • As someone who is so emotionally sensitive, I can generally read people’s emotions better than others. I can tell you when people are agitated because I have to go through it every day. I can signs that seem so obvious to me yet others wouldn’t even acknowledge them.
  • I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve lived in toxic situations and had people that are supposed to love me unconditionally trigger me and not care. Every day I wake up in a toxic house, filled with toxic people. And the day I get out of here, I won’t look back. Sure, some days look like I’ll never get out of here, but that hasn’t stopped me trying. I’ve been lied to and abused. I’ve been raped and neglected. Yet I still wake up with a little bit of hope that things may be okay. I’ve looked into the devils eyes and told him that he will not take me. I’ve been strong when every fibre of my body was telling me to quit. So yes, I’m emotional, but ask my best friends, they will tell you that I’m one of the strongest people they have ever met. I’m strong because if I wasn’t, I’d have killed myself long ago.
  • Having BPD, means that I have become more creative because I tap into emotions that others can’t understand. I can write, act, and interpret things that others wouldn’t even dream of. Some of the greatest writers had forms of mental health problems such as Ernest Hemingway and Virginia Woolf. They both suffered dramatically yet their books are a part of culture.
  • I am passionate about so many things and yet it’s a blessing and a curse. It means that I will not give up fighting even when I should. It means that people who refuse to open their minds frustrate me. It means that I will argue with people when I believe their wrong even if it means losing them. But it also means I won’t back down. I won’t stop fighting for what I want.

Living with BPD is hard because we have so many triggers. Some of them are rational whilst others are stupid and these are just a few.

  • Being ignored or feeling like I’m ignored, starts off the abandonment and rejection. It’s like a reminder that I’m not worth their time or effort. It’s hard because I already feel that way and getting ignored just confirms it. Then I feel like I need to repair the situation which also makes it worse.
  • Being told to calm down when I’m not angry. That starts a series of emotions that result in anger.
  • When my feelings are invalidated like “it’s just going to happen until you change it”, “you’re way too emotional for me”, “well that’s a bit over the top”… whilst these comments may be true, you’re basically telling me that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do instead of helping me cope with how I’m feeling.
  • When people tell me how to parent my daughter. This grates as my mood all the time. This will come from people that have a massive part to answer for why I am the way that I am. It’s the same people that live to invalidate me. It’s the same people that would tell me that they don’t care if they trigger my bad moods because they are right.
  • When the older generation say things like “well it was acceptable in my day”… really? People were punished for who they loved, people were invalidated and degraded because you people believed it was right. No. Just because in your day it was acceptable doesn’t make it right. A prime example was when three people that are atleast ten years older than me, told me that it was acceptable for a person to say to a child that their parents leaving them was their fault for misbehaving. That creates so many problems that the older generation are naive too.

Now for some statistics. 7/10 people will try to kill themselves whilst living with this disease. 1 in every 10 of us, will achieve suicide. This comes from not feeling good enough, from feeling like a burden and from believing the worst thoughts in their head. Nearly all of us will have some form of self harm or self destructive behaviour and we can’t stop them. We try and most of the time we fail. And even though that failure confirms how we feel inside, we still try and stop ourselves. Sometimes we feel too much and others we don’t anything at all. We feel like a contradiction.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov

This is my first post dedicated to BPD, I’m a bit late as I’ve started it on the 6th. But every day I want to educate and inform people about something that needs more awareness. I’ll be writing about triggers in more detail as well as some of the more positive sides. I’ll tell you all about the different sides of this condition, explain what it means to have and be a favourite person to someone with BPD as well as how I’m managing to live with the biggest emotional range I’ve ever experienced. Thank you for reading and I hope you have an amazing day. As always, check me out on twitter or insta by searching OpenUpWithMe and drop me a message. Until the next time. Ferrari. ❤️

One day, I’ll bring the colour back.

I never wanted my blog to be a negative place. I never wanted my brain to be a negative one. I cannot stand the thought of living a negative life. Yet my brain operates in black or white.

Should I be honest? Right now, at this moment in time, I feel horrible. I went to sleep in tears and woke up thinking it was a new day and yet I still wanted to cry. I feel worthless. I feel forgotten. I feel isolated. I feel alone. I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel annoying. I feel pathetic. I feel depressed. I feel like a contradiction.

I know in my heart that I have people around me that love and care about me. Yet I push them away. I feel like if I truly told them how I felt, that it would confirm how pathetic I am. If I told them how I felt, they’d know how lost I am. And I don’t have a map anymore. I know I’m my heart that I am not alone, yet my brain would have me believe different.

There’s been times where I’ve wanted to delete my blog, because I don’t feel like I’m helping anyone by being negative. Slowly, I’m working through the negative things in my life and getting rid of them, it’s just hard because the biggest amount of negative energy comes from the house that I wake up and go to sleep in. The house that haunts my nightmares. I wanted to run away from everything and everyone because I feel like I’m the root of all the negatives. They all stem from me. And I want to end it. I want to stop bringing the ones I love around me down. I want to stop being a burden. I just don’t know how.

My daughter is my greatest treasure. She’s irreplaceable and pure happiness. She is so smart and independent that I question how when I feel so beyond repair. She makes me the proudest mother ever and yet all I can think is how I’m failing her. How I fail her every day that we live in this house. And how much I’m risking. I push through each and every day because I’d rather fight until I’m dead than give up on the one person who loves me unconditionally.

I am lucky. I have friends that I can talk to. I have people that would answer every message if I wanted to message them. Yet I don’t. Because I feel like I’m the poison in their lives. So I don’t say a word and yet continue to feel the way I do. Because if I asked them what I meant to them, they’d be offended. If I asked them, I become pathetic and needy. If I asked them for the truth, I’d be so scared that they’d lie to me.

Yet every day I wake up and hope that today will be different. That I won’t ache or hurt anymore. That I won’t feel like I’m bringing everyone down. I’ll feel like someone who deserves the love around her. One day and I’ll believe that my life matters. I just hope I haven’t lost the ones that matter in the process.

If I love you and trust you enough to let you in, bare with me. Because every day I am battling negative thoughts from consuming me. Some days I beat it and some days it beats me. I just hope that you’re there fighting beside me. ❤️

The Spoon Method and a mental health update…

Today, I had a really testing day but I also learned so much. I learnt more about myself and my condition, which is strange because when it comes to Addison’s, I’m usually the smartest person in the room. So I thought I’d share my day with you guys. I apologise now for the awfully long post, but on the bright side, you don’t have to read this.

At half 9 this morning, I had to attend the outpaitents department at my local hospital to have a short synacthen test done. Now I know many of you don’t know what one of those is, so let me explain it. They take your base blood and then inject you with this awful liquid that was imported from Italy, because there is a national shortage of it here, the same as my emergency injection kit, but i’ll get into that later. Then they wait half hour and an hour after injecting you with the syrum so they can see how your adrenal glands react. I had to have this done because after I gave birth to my little lady, some idiot doctor took me off them, when my blood pressure sky rocketed due to an infection. I then had to fight just to be seen by an specialist in Endocrinology just to get my tablets back because my gp was saying that my diagnosis wasn’t there so I didn’t need them. For the last 14 months, I have gotten sicker and because I haven’t had my steroids, I’ve had to taken extra care and a lot of extra naps, just to get me through the day. Hopefully after having this test today, ill be back on normal steroids again!

I was really grateful that the Endocrinologist nurse that was going to be doing the test was Jennii, because I already knew her and she remembered me. With a name like Ferrari, i’m a little harder to forget. I met her back in March 2013, when she was the nurse who gave me a day curve. . Again, this is another blood test, only this time, they are testing your blood to check if you’re on the right amount of steroids. I had the day curve on the Friday, which I slept through because I was actually quite sick and then on the Monday, I was in hospital with suspected appendicitis. For someone who cannot stand needles, I absolutely hate these tests. Yet, she remembered how much I couldn’t stand them and tried her hardest to keep the cannula open because she only wanted to give me one needle today. With a lot of hard work and pumping, we managed to keep the cannula in all day! We got talking about how I had been since she had last seen me and that she was surprised to read that I had given birth and even more surprised when she found out it was at the same hospital I attended today. And I mentioned everything from mental health to my blog and my novel and she was the one who gave me the idea for this post.

I have had so many people ask me about my condition and it wasn’t until today that I could really explain it. I mean sure, we can discuss the medical terms of what it is. I don’t produce the hormones that I need in order to fuction. I have no immune system and my body attacks itself. The adrenal glands are little glands that sit on top of your kidneys, they release hormones at different points of your day and get you through it. Before you wake up in the morning, your body would have already released cortisol into your system and that’s why you have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. Mine don’t work to an acceptable level which is why I was on steroids right up until Luna was a week old. Instead of fight or flight, I have fail. My body goes into a crisis when under extreme stress and then it shuts down. I have two hours to inject myself and in extreme cases get to the hospital because I could go into a coma. How do you explain to a healthy person what it’s like to be sick? How do you explain what it’s like to have an autoimmune disease? How can I explain to everyone else the daily struggles that my life became at the age of 19? Well today, Jennii told me the answer and its the ‘Spoon Theory’ by Christine Miserandino, I would strongly suggest checking out the actual article, The Spoon Theory as I really will only give you a cliffnotes version.

She explains that Lupus, another autoimmune disease, is like starting the day with 12 spoons. Healthy people, don’t have to worry about their spoons, because they have a seemingly endless supply most days but for those that are sick, they have these spoons. You can never drop or forget about the spoons, the same way we couldn’t forget about our condition. You lose spoons for each activity you do throughout the day, because your body isn’t physically capeable of everything, you have to act accordingly. You can’t do as and what you please. You cant write a list of things to do for that day and expect to get everything done because your body can’t handle it. Before even starting the day, you have to get up and take medication. You have to take them, knowing they are what are keeping you with your spoons. You lose spoons before you’ve left your bed if you didn’t sleep well and even more so if you’re sick. The rest of day, you are limited and everything you do will cost you. Things people take for granted like doing the chores, can take me hours because I have to rest or my body pays the price with more spoons. I can take spoons from tomorrow but that would already put me on a deficit. Unlike healthy people, everything I do, I have to account for. I have to account for all the walking and exercise, for the lack of meals and lack of sleep. I have to account for physically stress that I put on my body as well as emotional and mental stress and most of the time, I use up all my spoons. So just hold on, because even though my life is limited and the pain can keep me in bed for days at a time, I still choose to socialise and even that costs me.

Now like I said, it was my understanding of her article that made me realise that if I explained my condition in this way, it might make a little more sense. Maybe people might understand why, especially at times when my body is attempting to battle an infection, that I’m a bit more reserved. Because I have less spoons to start the day and most of the time, its not enough.

After learning about the spoon method, I had to attend a therapy session and talk about how I was feeling. I had to talk about things that had gotten to me in the last month (I was quite poorly the last time I was supposed to have a session and then she went on holiday so it took longer than expected) and I just broke down in tears whilst she sat there and wrote goodness knows what down on her little notebook. She asked me how I was feeling and how I was coping. She asked about Luna and my eating. She just asked all these questions and I literally just cried because I was so exhausted from holding everything in that I just rambled. At the end of the session she had decided that I’m having a referral to a dietician so we can get me on supplements to make up for my lack of eating… So not only am I taking steroids, I’m going on supplements? Maybe I should hit up the gym and get massive… then again, maybe not. She also sat there and told me that my biggest problems and greatest drawbacks were confidence, self belief and self doubt. I have too much self doubt and not enough self belief or confidence. She said that I don’t see my self worth, I think that little of myself that I destroy everything good because I hit self destruct. I see myself as the problem for all the crap that I have had to deal with, and I carry it around to the point that it suffocates me. I think that little of myself, that I question why anyone would stick around, why anyone would care. And I need to change that. I need to believe in myself the way others do. I need to learn to love myself the way the most important people in my life love me. I need to believe that I deserve to be happy because right now, I am the only person standing in my way.

She doesn’t need a perfect mummy because they don’t exist, but she does need a happy healthy one.

I hope you are okay. I hope that you haven’t been too exhausted and that you’re smiling. Because believe me, the world needs to see your smile. Until the next time, Ferrari.❤️