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Ferrari❤️

Best friends are important…

Can I be brutally honest? Losing a best friend sucks more than losing a relationship. I know some of you may not agree, but through my experience, it really does.

Now don’t get me wrong, there’s a few guys who have hurt me but my best friends were the ones that got me over my heartache. They are the ones that helped me to keep pushing forward. So even when I thought my world was over, they were there to wipe away my tears and make me smile again. But who’s there to wipe away the tears when you lose your best friend?

I think to lose a best friend due to an argument is bad enough but it’s worse watching the relationship drift apart. It’s not even about not talking to them, because you can talk to them everyday without having a meaningful conversation. But it’s when you noticing them caring less, which means you stop opening up. You notice them drifting away, so you just stand at the shore and wave. You can’t stop them, you want them to be happy so you just let them go.

Sometimes you have one too many arguments and that’s just when you’ve decided enough is enough. You’ve stopped caring and you give up with them instead of trying to help them, you stopped caring enough to try. And it’s heartbreaking. It’s hard to lose the one you turn to whenever you need them. The one that helps you create memories and can pick out your favourite songs. It’s hard because, who do you turn to when that happens? You’ve lost your first choice. No one measures up with your best friend.

Your best friends are essential pieces of life, and losing them, is like losing a piece of yourself. Sometimes it can’t be helped, people drift apart and never really find their way back. However, if it can. Try and save it. Because your best friends are important in every part of your life. So to my best friends, thank you and I love you. You’re the sunshine to my rain, together we create one hell of a rainbow. And no matter where life takes us, you’ll always have a place in my heart. Thank you for being there through all my madness and loving me anyway.

Thank you for reading. It means a lot. Follow me on Twitter and Insta @OpenUpWithMeand head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

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Being a mum❤️ Ferrari❤️

I’m A Queen…

How shallow and superficial must I be to refer to myself as a Queen, but I honestly believe that there is royalty in all of us, it’s just a matter of establishing your self worth. You are worth more than anyone else gives you credit for. You go through battles that nobody sees every single day and you don’t give yourself enough props. You work through hard days because its expected, even though inside it kills you just to fake a smile. You have been put down and forgotten, but that’s because you forgot to remember yourself. You and you alone have got through every day that lead you to today and there is always a reason for it. Even in your darkest moments, there are reasons. You are not alone, you will never be alone for as long as you want people around. You are loved even when you don’t love yourself. You are you and that’s the best person to be. You are worth every diamond, every rock and everything in between. Because you, are irreplaceable.

Every single person on this planet has troubles and no single person is perfect. Anyone who claims to be, is a robot and doesn’t actually function. Perfection is a standard set to promise failure because its not achieveable. So stop trying and just embrace who you are, warts and all.

Today, I got asked what I would write to a 13 year old me, and it was such a simply hard question to answer. They didn’t know that at 13 my life changed so dramatically that I still haven’t really got myself back and that wasn’t their fault, but how I let that time affect me now, is my fault. This was a time where I was called a drama queen, an attention seeker, a liar and manipulator and most of all, it was the time that I needed everyone around me more than ever. I have spent most of my life as a victim of my past and I refuse to let it have that control over me anymore. I refuse to let other peoples actions and words determine the person that I let my little girl live up too. How can I, as a mother of a girl that will one day also be a teenager, let things that brought so much self destruction and self doubt, be the things she see? I can’t. The day I gave birth to her, I became a Queen in her eyes and she became my little princess. The one girl that I would give my life for without a first thought, let alone a second. I would go to the ends of the earth for her, and that means facing the demons that haunt my nightmares and keep me awake. It means admitting that PTSD is a real thing and its soul destroying but I will not let that be the side she grows up with.

If I wrote a letter to 13 year old me, it would go something like…

“Dear “Drama Queen”,
Embrace your title, embrace your dreams because you can do anything. No single person can stop you from living your life and being the person you want to be.
There are people around you that are going to become toxic, and although you are going to go through a turbulent time, it will get easier and it will all be worth it. But you can’t let their words shape you. You can go through hell and back, just don’t lose your smile. Don’t lose your personality and don’t lose your voice.
Your body is amazing, and you don’t need to worry about your weight until you get pregnant, because believe me, you will get fat but your child is worth it. Don’t lose that love of food, because it will make you try such random but beautiful meals. Food isn’t the answer, and neither is avoiding it.
Make sure you pick your own path. There are people that will say being creative doesn’t lead to jobs, and its bollocks!
Don’t hide your emotions. Don’t be embarrassed, you have a big heart and so many of your problems can be solved if you open up. People won’t always leave, I mean, you get to meet some of the best people, just open up and tell them what it’s like. There’s a reason you think and feel differently, and the ones that matter, won’t ever judge you for it, they try to understand it and they embrace it.
So many people will make you feel small, so many will doubt you and will try to bring you down, but you are worth more than that. Believe in yourself and you will be surprised where you end up.
Its going to be okay, I promise, and you should know, we don’t make promises we have no intention of keeping!”

I realised today that I wouldn’t change the things I went through, not the good and not the bad, but I would change how I dealt with it. So I’m going too. One day, very soon, I will post about the nightmares, I will post about the scariest and darkest moments because if I’m going to address them, It’s going to be my way. I always said I wanted to use my voice to make a difference, and I thought that meant going into law because I love arguments. I didn’t need a law degree because I have this. I have my voice and I have one hell of a way to go. But if I can help one person, if I can make a difference in just a single life, then all of the pain that I suffered to be strong will be worth it.

D4IG3VxXoAAC3Ja
My little princess.

 

Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but it was meant to be lived. I’m not going to live in fear. Not in fear of others and their words, of people and their actions and I refuse to be scared of who I am. To some I am nothing, to others I am something, but to the most important person, I am everything, and that is enough for me. Don’t lose yourself to opinions of the few, because they will always look to bring you down to them because its easier to attack. Embrace the ones who matter, because they are irreplaceable. Until the next time, enjoy your day and ill speak soon. Ferrari❤️

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Ferrari❤️ Lifestyle❤️

“Openupwithme”

How fitting that my blog be called open up with me and yet it’s the area I struggle with most. That makes me a hypocrite right? Because I talk about opening up and yet I just lost one of my best friends because I couldn’t physically open up to him and I’m not going to lie to you guys, it’s sucks! I can sit here and say how it’s not my fault but it really is. I hit self destruct and the people I love are collateral damage. That’s my toxic trait. The fact that I can’t open up and I lose people because of it.

When something small bothers me, it grows and grows. One tiny little thing, grows and manifests itself to the point of an avalanche comes over me that’s beyond my control. Now I could avoid this avalanche of shit if I just opened up about the things that were bothering me. If I just said what little thing was getting to me instead of ignoring it and burying it. Because that’s when it grows. It feeds of the fact that I didn’t address it until the point it warps the truth and reality. To the point it twists my brain into thinking the worst possible scenario. But I can’t do it. I can’t open up and let people in because I feel low and defeated that my brain isn’t thinking normally. Because I feel pathetic and needy that I took something in a way I knew I shouldn’t but it hurt none the less. Because I feel irritating and clingy that I need to be reassured so much. Because I’m scared that if I let you in and say the wrong thing, you’ll leave anyway.

It’s not all the time and that’s what makes this harder. Because, there are some days where I have strength and determination. I have days where I’m so easy to get along with and could talk about everything yet a few months ago, I hit self destruct and lost sense of reality and I’ve been struggling to find it ever since. But that means that right now, I’m hard work. It’s hard work to think normally and act normally when my brain is the complete opposite.

I know I have to let people in. I know the wall needs to come down. I know that fear stops me. But I’m trying. Because the people I love deserve better than me being closed. So I’m sorry. I know sorry is just a word and doesn’t change anything, but I want to open up more. Especially to the ones I love, I just have trouble finding the words. I refuse to lose anyone else because of this wall. Brick by brick, it’s going to come down.

I will find a way to let people in. I have to or I’ll lose everyone.

*UPDATE*

So thank you to each and every person that has read just one of my blog pieces, and a massive thank you to my subscribers. You guys are amazing! Each and every person that has visited my blog has helped me smash my first target of 1000 views and I truly appreciate your support. I can’t believe that things I’ve written have been read all over the world. It’s read by people I love and adore, as well as people I don’t know personally. It’s read in my hometown and it’s read on the other side of the world. That’s unbelievable. So thank you! I have so many plans for my blog which I will give you guys a proper update soon, I’m just taking some personal time. I’m going to blog sporadically for a while, just whilst I focus on myself and my baby girl. But your support is appreciated and I am truly thankful. Until next time, Ferrari.❤️

Categories
Ferrari❤️

A confused mind…

Have you ever spent every day talking to someone only to drift apart? Have you put time and effort into someone only to have it thrown back in your face? Have you ever sat there and thought, if I didn’t speak to them, would we talk? Yep. Losing people sucks.

Unfortunately it happens a lot. Throughout my life I’ve lost people that I never imagined my life without but gained people I didn’t even know existed. I’ve had friendships fall and for the other person to become a stranger I once knew. And I hate it. I hate the fact that one minute we can be extremely close to someone, slowly you drift apart and the next it’s been months and you’ve forgotten each other. I hate that people can come in and out of lives thanks to social media and technology.

Recently I’ve ghosted everyone. I swear, I’ve even ghosted the people in this house at various points over the last couple of weeks and I’m sorry. I’ve just been distracted. It’s not you guys. It’s that coping with my head has become a lot to handle and I feel like I’m failing. I thought that I was losing some of the people I held close, I thought that I was failing as a friend and a person. I wasn’t. My mind was playing tricks on me like it loves to do. But I’ve been feeling like I don’t matter because people can just leave when they feel like it. I have abandonment issues as well as a constant nagging feeling of being too close to people because I feel vulnerable. I feel like if I let people in, they leave. I’ve lost people because I don’t open up yet I don’t open up because I lose people. It’s a vicious circle and one that I know I need to break.

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could stop myself but it’s so hard. I can’t open up anymore. I’ve done it so many times and fallen flat and defeated. Right now, I feel like I’m out of control, I feel like my fears are controlling me and when I try to stop it, I’m lost. But I’m sorry that right now, I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t because I’m expected to be okay. I mean as everyone tells me, I have a perfect little family and could want nothing more. And yes, I appreciate Kieran and Luna so much, but if that were true, my mind would be okay.

I feel drained because every day is a battle that nobody can see. I feel exhausted because I can’t open up without fear of losing the ones I love most. So I sit tight and wait for my mind to settle. But it’s not. Monday, I have to sit across from a therapist and tell them the things that are on mind and maybe I’ll be a little calmer. I feel like all the colour has been drained from my life. That nothing makes sense and the world around me is in flames. I feel like I’m destroying everything and I can’t stop myself.

This picture isn’t perfect. It’s not in colour. It shows my imperfections. But it’s me. It’s who I am.

I’ll write again soon. But mentally, I can’t cope with my head. I can’t write it down because I don’t make sense of it. I hope that wherever you are right now, you’re not alone. Because having people around you that care, is something that shouldn’t be underestimated. I hope you’re okay and having a great day. Until I write again, Ferrari. ❤️

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