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Being a mum❤️ Family❤️

Family is something we can’t choose…

I am and have always been family orientated. My family mean the world to me and I’d do practically anything to make sure they are happy and healthy, but there’s plenty that I wouldn’t do as well.

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever hope to hold. My daughter is my biggest motivator and best friend. She is adorable beyond words and her happiness is paramount to me. I’d go above and beyond for her because she’s my daughter and that’s what you do for your children. However, there are times where I must do things that would make me seem unfair to certain people.

I will also be the first person to stand in-between my daughter and those who wish to cause her harm or negativity. That includes family! I am not about to let any single person on this planet, treat my daughter like she doesn’t matter, and I certainly won’t allow ‘family’ to do the same. Call me strict, but I don’t want my daughter going through the same heartache and pain that I went through.

My daughter is really lucky, because she does have so many people around her that love and cherish her more than I thought possible. I know there are a list of people that would go to the ends of the world for my daughter, because they love and care for her. They also want what’s best, however, all her family won’t be involved in her life and it won’t be Luna missing out.

Luna has family she has met once and will probably never see again. She also has family she will never meet, and that’s not through her faults and when she grows up, I’ll explain it to her but that does break my heart. I grew up with having a chunk of my family not bother with me, and they still don’t really care to this day. They will be some of the people missing out on Luna. Not me. I get to see her adorable little smile and her bubbly personality each and every day. Those don’t and wont.

I won’t give people the opportunity to walk out on my daughter, the same way they walked out on Kieran and me. I won’t allow people to let her down repeatedly or say that her birthdays don’t matter. I won’t allow other people to make her feel like she is any less than what she is. I won’t allow “grandparents” an automatic right in her life, just because they may share DNA.

Luna has two parents that adore the life out of her! She has four grandparents that spoil and cherish her and each of them have an ever-growing bond with her. I mean, she goes so shy whenever my pops come over, but that doesn’t stop her from backing into him for cuddles every ten minutes or playing chase in the garden. Every morning, she calls for nanny cats and goes into the living room to see her and gives her the biggest smile! Then we have Katie and Ste, Kieran’s dad and step mum. They are incredible with her, so much that it makes me cry. They came down when she was readmitted to hospital, even though there was snow on the roads, and they had to drive the two-hour journey. That was the first time they met her, and they went through some difficult situations but still they made the effort!

I have my best friends who ring me up and always ask how my daughter is and generally, they all have to have conversations with her, but I don’t mind. Because they are actually taking the time to make an effort with my baby girl. Luna has aunts and uncles that she has built such strong bonds with, so sometimes taking her away from them for bed or naps can become a problem but she still gets special time with all of them.

So now, to the family who can’t be bothered with my daughter. The family that can’t be bothered to send a message asking how she is or what she’s learnt to do this week, because she is always growing and learning. To all of you that want to claim you have an active part in my daughter’s life, you don’t. She doesn’t know who you are and that’s not my fault. I can’t force her to know people that can’t be bothered with her and I won’t make her put up with you just because your family. Most of you, don’t deserve to know the happiness and love that my little girl can bring. You won’t know the way she laughs when the claw comes out or how much she loves animals and being outdoors. You won’t get to experience her sassy, cheeky nature. You won’t get to see how smart she is, when she’s reading her books and understanding the words. You won’t get to feel how loving and cuddly she is, because she will give everyone attention. And that’s not my fault. I’m not missing out on her because I am her mum, which means I am her strength each and every day. That strength, means stopping people I consider toxic, being an active part in her life.

But thank you. Thank you to those that put in the effort. Thank you to those that never let Luna forget who they are. Thank you to those that may come round to see me but still make effort to play with Luna and make her smile. You are the ones that Luna will grow up around. And for that, I couldn’t be more thankful.

We don’t have to allow family in our lives just because they are related. If they don’t boost you up or show concern when you’re down, they don’t deserve a place in your life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve people around you that make you happy. So don’t settle for anything less than happiness.

Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

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Family❤️

Sorry. ❤️

So I want to apologise. I am aware there are a fair few days missing from blogmas and I’m hoping to catch up over the next 48 hours. I’ve just had a rough few days.

Please know that I love writing for you guys and I love expressing myself in a way I can’t do anywhere else. But as much as I try to distract myself with writing, my heart just hasn’t been in it.

I’ve been writing them, most of them are nearly done, I just couldn’t complete them. And I’m sorry for that. I had another mental health appointment this week, with the hopes that I’d finally get my diagnosis, but turns out, my heads even more fudged than originally thought and he couldn’t give me a definitive answer and it sucked.

It sucks because without an answer, there’s no road to recovery. Without a diagnosis I stay in limbo for that little bit longer and it’s taking its toll on me. I didn’t want my posts to be upsetting around Christmas time because I truly love it, I live for Christmas time.

That being said, it’s Wednesday in the UK, and I am feeling a bit more positive. I wanted you all to know that I will be back and kicking ass. It’s just taking its time. I have a few things to do before I post what I believe is the eighth day of Blogmas. That just needs a little tweaking. Sounds a bit blah if you ask me. And then they will keep coming and hopefully by tonight if not tomorrow night at the latest, I will be back like clockwork. Thank you for reading.

Every good day starts off with a smile

❤️

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Being a mum❤️ Family❤️ Lifestyle❤️

My silver lining. ❤️

I feel like my post earlier was pretty dark. I mean yes I have bad days but I have the greatest light of all.

My daughter is my everything. I live every day for her! I push myself when I feel weak because she is my strength. She has the cutest smile and the best cuddles. She has the brightest eyes and the warmest laugh. If you ever have the pleasure to meet her, I bet you remember her.

She saved me. Last year, I was going through some of the hardest moments of my life. We found out we were having her and it gave me purpose. She gives me purpose. She is such a happy baby girl that I couldn’t have asked for more. Every morning she will wake up between 7-9, she has her breakfast, listens to music and dances about. She loves a good swivel! She laughs and plays with us. She’s learning to walk and loves to explore. She’s such a little character. She has her nap and sleeps at about 8. All day we are on our toes but all day she keeps us smiling.

I live for cuddles with her because they make everything perfect.

See. No matter how bad my day may get. No matter how low I feel. She is enough to keep me sane. She gives the sloppiest kisses and the silliest high fives. She will copy my laugh and then laugh at it. It’s beautiful. There is nothing more honest in this world, than a child’s laughter.

Yes today was a bad day. But Luna is alive, she’s happy and she’s healthy. And that’s all I could ever ask for as a mother. So although mentally it was exhausting and draining, I have way more to be thankful of.

I am truly blessed. And I am so thankful for her each and every day! She is by far my greatest moment. She is the love of my life. A love that is pure and unconditional. I will love her beyond my lifetime because she is my legacy. And if I get one thing right in this world, I know it will be her.

I am thankful for being alive and sharing memories with her. I am thankful that I get to be her mum and bring her up with her amazing father. Because I am beyond thankful for him. He keeps me sane most of the time and is beyond perfect with her. He is the definition of a father. He lives and breathes for her. And that’s all I could ever ask. I love you both beyond words. Beyond actions.

I am thankful for all my readers. For helping me smash records. You let me write what I want and read it with great feedback. You support me and I truly appreciate it.

I am thankful for my friends that know who they are. That I don’t give enough credit to. Thank you for still being here even though I’m tough to handle sometimes. And to my family that put up with me day in and out. I love you all. ❤️

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Being a mum❤️ Family❤️ Lifestyle❤️ Uncategorized

Don’t be afraid to be who you are.

Long before I found out that I was pregnant, I wanted to be a person that my siblings and nieces could look up to. I know there are times where I have failed miserably and sometimes, I lose it way too quickly but one thing they can say is, that I stand up for my views and what I believe in. I may just be one person, but I believe that my voice matters. Everyone’s voice matters!

When I started this blog, I wanted a space to share my views and my beliefs without feeling like I was ramming them down people’s throats. I gave myself the space to write what I want and how I feel and if people wanted to read it, it would be down to them. I wanted to cover a range of topics, no matter how personal or controversial they would be. Now, I know, not everyone will agree with what I’m saying and loads of people with have their own opinions which is great. I want to provoke healthy discussion on issues.

A few weeks ago, me and my partner were walking to the shops just down the road, we were talking, and he realised that I was wearing all his clothes. It’s true. I had my bra and underwear on, but I also had his boxers over the top, his joggers, his top and jumper on. I have always found that men’s clothes are better comfort wise compared to women. It got me thinking, why is it socially acceptable for females to cross-dress and wear men’s clothes but not the other way around? Why is it that many people of the world have such a problem with men wearing women’s clothes but not vice versa? Why is it that the world we see today, the world in which our children are growing up in, so hypocritical? Why are there such views around what we wear? It’s not just men that receive this but women also.

Some men are taught from a young age that its not acceptable to wear women’s clothes, they are taught that it’s feminine and that it means that they are gay or have gay tendencies. This isn’t true. You can be completely straight and still wearing a dress. I have friends that have dressed up with their daughters because they asked them to. I have friends that let their sons wear fairy wings and put on a dress. They wanted their children to be comfortable and wouldn’t knock them for trying.

Some of them said there wasn’t a problem whilst they were playing, but they would find it awkward in other situations and that’s where their problem was, whilst others have said there wasn’t a problem with them, but they would avoid it as it was a problem for the outside world. Some people felt that by saying no, they would be putting issues onto the child and others felt that saying what they can or can’t do will only push them further into it.

Now for me, I want my daughter to be open and accepting. I want her to be who she wants without fear of discrimination and without fear of others. I want her to wear what she wants, be who she wants to be and love whoever she feels she has a connection with. I want her to be able to go out in what she wants with her head held high and pride in who she is. Had she been a boy, I would be the same. If I ever have a son, and he said to me that he wanted a pram, I’d go down the shops and buy him one for his birthday or Christmas, because he shouldn’t have to feel like it’s a girl’s toy. I know many men push their children in prams and that is all you are setting them up for. If he wanted to go out to the shops or to play in a princess dress and pretend, he’s a princess, then guess what, I will help get him dressed and I will sit him down. I will explain that although there is nothing wrong in how he wants to dress or what he wants to play with, the world has their own opinions and may think it’s wrong. I’d tell him that people would point and stare with possible comments because he was different, and they couldn’t accept that.

I think children need an imagination. They need to believe in magic and make believe because it helps them broaden their minds. It helps them become more creative and more unique. It helps develop writers and poets, acting and theatre stars, it helps them become musicians and activists. It helps create a brighter world. The world gets gloomier as you grow older, so let a child be a child. Let them live with no fear of the outside world, they will grow up and have enough of it. The world will have rules for them that will attempt to limit who they are and what they can do. So just let them live while they are young. Let them play with what they want to play and wear what they want to wear.

I do not have a problem with allowing children and people to be who they want to be. But the world we live in does. I have been alive 25 years, and its only recently that a gay couple, whether it be men or women, are finally allowed to marry each other. That’s horrendous. Why as a society do, we feel that we can dictate who we can or can’t love just because it’s not traditional? Why is it, as a society, we feel that its okay to victimise people because they are different? Why, as a society, do we think it’s okay to belittle people because they are different?

I know many people feel differently, and I get that. It is okay to think differently. We are all individuals and are all unique. Even identical twins have different fingerprints. Each person on this planet matters. If they want to dress different, why do we feel that we are worth more and can tell them differently? We are all made up on skin and bones. We all will live in this world and wear clothes. We will all have different views, and nobody can tell you that you are wrong. Just don’t be hypocritical. That is where my problem lies.

When I wrote this, I wanted to have some research behind me. I looked at celebrities that have cross-dressed and they are still respected. Celebrities like the entire band Queen, who did the I Want to Break Free video in drag. They are one of the greatest rock bands this world has ever seen and yet, that video caused so much controversy at the time, where as now is considered iconic. Weasley Snipes, Patrick Swayze, John Leguizamo who dressed up in drag for a role in a film and yet they are still great actors and it hasn’t changed who they are. The film in question is ‘To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar’, check it out on IMDB if you believe me. Another iconic film with drag, is Rocky Horror Picture Show. That film is incredible but also banned in some countries. They are all living and breathing. Wearing a dress didn’t change who they are. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114682/

I know for me, I will allow my daughter to be who she wants. I will hold her hand and show her off with pride. Because I want her to know that she is who she is, and we love her regardless. I just wish the world was a bit more accepting. I’d rather surround myself with people that express themselves freely than try to determine who they should be.

 ❤️

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Family❤️ Lifestyle❤️

Swings and roundabouts.

It’s funny. I started writing my blog post when Luna went down for her nap at around lunch time and it couldn’t be more different to what I’m writing now at nearly 8.

So to begin with my day started off beautifully. I got cuddles with my little princess and I was happy. Within an hour, we found out that my mums car had been broken into along with a few overs and it really annoyed me. Why do people do that? Like really? Just so you know, one of the cars that you broke into and could only steal the face of the radio off, yeah that was my mums Christmas present that she received 36 hours prior. So well done. I hope you’re proud. I hope the £9.99 face was worth it. I hope it gave you such a rush and it makes your Christmas perfect. But know that you will not dampen my spirit or make me think any less.

You had a choice. A choice in which you committed a crime, multiple times. That choice you repeated, was a bad one. Now, I could let you get the better of me and be angry that you destroyed her property, but I won’t. Instead I hope that you get yourself out of this funk and eat a proper meal, your legs are twig thin. It can’t be healthy. But after today, you will be just a person who made a bad choice. The window will be replaced, an alarm will be fitted and she will continue to drive it.

After reporting the crime, we found out that even though he didn’t wear gloves, even though there was cctv footage of him, he got away with it because they wouldn’t be taking it further. Again I got annoyed that there wouldn’t be justice. Again I felt betrayed by people, but I wouldn’t let it throw me. He may have got away with some possessions, he may have broken four vehicles in total, but it brought people together. We got to know our new neighbours and we all had a right laugh at your expense. We made a joke out of you and continued our day. Because you will not beat us.

At about 4 this afternoon, I got a call about an appraisal for some of the items my Nan had left my auntie Jackie that she had given to mum to sell. We took them down and found out about the items in question of which, one was a locket. It had old photos in them, ones of my aunts and uncles, but behind them was a picture of a man that me and my sister didn’t recognise. We put the picture to one side so we could show mum. Well, when we did, we found out that it was a picture of my great grandad, someone my mum had never seen before but she knew exactly who he was. It’s funny because had we not sold the locket, we would never have taken out the pictures. We may have lost a face from the radio but we gained a more important one.

Charles Samuel Bolton, my great grandad. ❤️

You see. Life is all swings and roundabouts. (Or so I’m told 🤷🏼‍♀️). If a day starts off bad, it may not end that way. Just hold out hope.

P.S. to those of you that asked why I hadn’t written. The truth is, I’m not okay. So even though I really want to write, and most of the time I do, I think that you guys wouldn’t want to read it. So I don’t post it. I would rather write with quality than consider my quantity. But I love you guys and I am so thankful to you. ❤️

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Family❤️

Parenting

Anyone can father a child, it takes someone special to be a dad.

One of my biggest fears was that when I had children, their father wouldn’t be around. I didn’t want them to experience not knowing when they would next see them.

I was lucky. I had a pretty awesome childhood, sure there was drama in it but I try not to dwell on the negatives. I mean so much has changed since I was born, that most of the people have changed for the better.

My mum has always been around, she’s always pushed us to follow our dreams, she encourages us to go forward in life and she’s always listened when we were upset. Although she spent most of my childhood as a single mum, I think she did an incredible job. We had everything we needed. We got the life skills we needed to be decent people. She’s an incredible, strong and independent woman who has so much courage and determination that helped her achieve so much.

Now I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. No matter what, I’ve always known that my dad loves and cares about me. He may not have been in the family home but I’ve still got some of the greatest memories with him. Memories that I will cherish until I can’t remember them anymore. Every day forward, I am proud of the father he is to my younger siblings. The way he has improved at parenting, because nobody is perfect. He keeps taking steps forward and words can not describe how happy I am. (Nobody has the right to judge anyone. As long as you learn from your mistakes, they can’t be held against you.)

Then we come to me as a parent. I wanted to be like each of them in their own ways. I wanted to be put my children first. I wanted them to know that I would always be around, that they can come to me about anything, that I would never judge them. The problem was, although I could list of everything I wanted to be as a parent, I couldn’t control how the father would be. Parenting is all about working as a team to bring the child up the best way possible.

Now even though Kieran has only been a dad for nine months, he is by far the greatest dad I know! He knew I was pregnant before I had done a test. So much so he would keep making jokes about it. I think it was his way of telling me that I needed to do a test. I remember telling him and his reply being “told you so” imitating me with the exact face I would have pulled at him. He knows me so well.

Every day during my pregnancy, he was there. He came to every scan. He made sure he was at every check and doctors appointment possible. (Due to having the baby in the south and us studying in the midlands, it meant that he missed a few weeks towards the end. As I was granted Mat Leave and he couldn’t for obvious reasons.) Kieran held my hand, endured my mood swings, rubbed my back, massaged my legs and dealt with every craving. He was impressive. He looked after me better than I ever thought possible and I knew that our daughter was one incredibly lucky girl. Everytime I panicked, he would talk me down and tell me that not only was she a fighter like me, but she’d also be stubborn. That she was going to be okay and that as soon as she was here, I’d be able to see that I’m doing an awesome job. He is brilliant like that.

From the day she was born, he has gone above and beyond what I thought possible. Luna was breastfed, so everytime I woke up for a feed, he would be awake with me so that I wasn’t alone. He stayed with us each time we were admitted back into hospital, even though he couldn’t stand being there. He made sure she was calm and relaxed so I could get some sleep. From the day she was born, he has stayed by our sides every step of the way. Luna is a daddy’s girl, and adores spending time with him. He can make her smile and laugh so easily. She can be having a screaming fit but would always calm down for daddy cuddles.

I never doubted his ability as a dad, but I do think I greatly underestimated it. Because I have seen how protective he got over his sister, how he couldn’t bare the thought of having her in care. The way he is around his other sisters and brother, that no matter how much time goes by, they still act as if they saw each other the weekend before. The bond he has with his siblings considering the things they have gone through is a blessing. Yet, Kieran has been my rock. And because of it, we have one extremely happy little lady.

I am truly thankful for the man and father he is, for taking time when he needs it, for never letting himself get angry, for making her smile, for hearing her little belly laugh, for showing her strength, for loving her. I am thankful because I believe that I found the greatest father to our child, and for loving me as well as he does. I am so proud to say that you’re ours. 💋❤️

Categories
Family❤️

Inspiration from a brother with Autism.

Keeping with the theme of my week, I want to talk about one of the most inspiration people I am so fortunate to have in my life.

“If you judge a fish by its inability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it’s stupid.”

All my life, I have been lucky enough to know Richard. He is my big brother and to me he is perfect. He has severe learning difficulties and is quite high on the autistic spectrum but, he’s just my big brother.

I come from a massive family, in total I have 6 brothers and 3 sisters. All of them mean a lot to me and all of them are incredible. I’m probably baby number 6 with Richard being 4th. The only person between us is my elder sister Sam. Three of them have been diagnosed somewhere on the spectrum so as you can imagine, some days are harder than others. But they wouldn’t let you believe that.

My big brother has looked out for me, my entire life. Exactly like a “normal” big brother would. If, when we all went out and my little legs would stray behind, Richard would always tell everyone to stop and wait for me. He wouldn’t let them forget me and still to this day, if I stray behind with Luna, and Richard is with us, you can bet as much money that you want, that Richard would be right behind me.

Whenever I had nightmares as a child, I could pull up our little chair bed onto his floor and sleep there to which he would never complain. He would always make sure that I had a quilt and the light was on so that I didn’t get scared.

Part of the reason we have such a big family, is because my mum wanted to make sure that when she was no longer here (which I hope is a very long time) he always had people looking out for him. My mum doesn’t want him to ever have to be put in a home as we have grown up with him and know how to handle him. If you were to ask him if he wanted to go into a home with other people like him, he’d always say “no, stay with mum”.

My mum was told that because of his disability, he wouldn’t talk or read. That he wouldn’t be able to communicate and tell us what was wrong or what he wanted. Well let me tell you, he talks, he reads; he does everything an able person can do. He cooks, he cleans, he does everything that I can do and probably so much more. He is a whiz on his xbox and loves reading all about Japan and Anime. He is forever bringing his laptop downstairs to show mum the latest news from Japan and half the time she has no idea what’s going on but Richard does.

The tragic events of Sandy Hook Elementary was a horrible time for everyone and my hearts go out to everyone affected by that day. But I will remember my big brother, coming downstairs and reading the TV so clearly and correctly that, me, mum and dad sat there in awe. This was a guy that was told he wouldn’t talk or read and here he was, speaking aloud the words he could read on the screen. Words that were filled with so much pain and emotion but that made me so proud because he amazed me. He still does, each and every day.

He pushes every boundary. He smashes every milestone. He is the greatest. He doesn’t live behind a disability, because he does things that many can’t. He is one of the greatest people to look up to because he is by fair the most innocent and pure human I know. He doesn’t cause people pain or anger. He doesn’t hurt or manipulate people. He is kind, funny, warm and loving. He is humble and thankful each and every day. He is the definition of a true treasure.

“Autism is not a puzzle, nor a disease. Autism is a challenge, but certainly not a devastating one.”

Richard may be autistic. But that isn’t who he is. Who he is, will always be way more than a diagnosis and be more than I could ever be. It doesn’t define him. It may have shaped how his brain works, but he is far more intelligent than I could ever be.

I love my big brother, and I reckon if you met him, you’d love him too. So thank you Richard. 💋🖤