Categories
Being a mum❤️

My final blog post…

If you follow me on twitter or Instagram, you’d already know but I thought I’d share it with you.

Over the last few years I have absolutely loved writing my blog, sure some moments were tough but I loved it. Writing has always been a hobby of mine, and this site gave me the space I needed to write what I wanted without fear or judgement on my views. However, it’s not what it used to be.

Mentally, I am destroyed. I have given up on nearly everything right now. I can’t cope with anything right now, but most of all, I’ve lost everything that makes me who I am. I am back to looking in the mirror and staring into a strangers eyes. Who I am, feels pathetic and worthless. I am struggling with just about everything and because of it, my mental health has suffered completely.

I am not in the best frame of mind and yet again I’m quitting because I’m scared of failing. I feel like I already have. I feel like I have failed in life and love. I feel like I fail my daughter because I don’t know who I am or what I stand for. I don’t know what happiness is. I thought I did, and when it went, I was broken and I don’t know when or how I am going to fix that, but you can believe I am going to try.

I want to personally thank every single follower, viewer and reader that has taken the time to visit my blog and read the words that I wrote. Nothing can change how thankful and how much I appreciate it. I want to thank every person that shared my blog and left love with it. You guys are amazing and I am truly humbled.

But sadly, this is my final blog post. This is the end of the line for openupwithme. Maybe one day I will go back to writing, but it wont be anytime soon. I need to find myself for my daughters sake, that and being a mum is a full time role that needs my full attention.

I want to wish everyone that has followed this blog, whether it be recently or from its inception, good luck on your future adventures. I hope your lives are enriched with happiness and love, because they are the most important things in this world. Whether its love from family and friends or from a partner, its important to treasure it always.

Goodbye and much love.

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Being a mum❤️ Open Letters!

An open letter to the guy I love…

I lay in bed most nights and you consume my thoughts. You are always the last thought on my mind before I sleep, whether its because we are together or apart, arguing or happier than I could have imagined. You’re the first thought on my mind when I wake up, and you’re the first person I want to see when I open my eyes.

You see, I never thought you’d be an open letter on my blog, but here I am. Writing these words to you and only you. Without holding back and thinking about anyone else, how they may be affected or what they may say in retaliation. I simply don’t care anymore because in the grand scheme of things, they don’t matter.

When I was younger, I used to picture what my future would hold, and one thing I was certain of, was that I wanted to find a guy who loved me whole heartedly and without conviction. I wanted to find someone who I could see my future with, the good, the bad and the ugly. I wanted to find someone worth fighting for, to have a love that would make all the greatest romantic novels jealous. I wanted to find someone who knew the person I was and loved me regardless of my faults and the problems I face on a daily basis. One look into your eyes, and I thought I found it. My happy ever after.

We had our problems. You couldn’t trust me for a mistake I made at a weak point after I kicked you out and you told me you never wanted to talk to me again, you blamed me for the choices of others and you couldn’t find it in your heart to forgive me, even though I know you tried. You had your doubts and at times it seemed like I played into them, believe me, that was never the thoughts on my mind. I was selfish because I only thought about myself most of the time. You tried to make me into a person I’m not. You had me so high on a pedestal, that I was destined to fall and I never braced for the impact.

I will always be thankful for the person you helped create. For the belief you had in me at a time when I never believed in myself. For the mother you helped me become. I am thankful for the love I felt for you because it was everything to me. For the help and support you gave me every day that you were here. I am thankful for the warmth and strength you helped me find and the way you smiled at me every day. I know no one will ever look at me the way you did. The love and passion you had, is something I get to treasure.

As much as all the memories we made together hurt, as much as everywhere I look there’s another one creeping up on me, I know that one day I will be more thankful that they happened than sad that they wont happen again. We haven’t been together like we should have been and for my part in that, I am truly sorry. I am sorry for my actions and words. I am sorry that you felt like you were constantly hidden. I am sorry that you have so many negative thoughts now because every memory is tarnished in your eyes. But I can and will never look at you like a bad memory I wished I could forget. I will never hate you or hold any negativity towards you, because I will always love you for everything you did that made me a better person.

I still cry. I cry more than you’d realise, and that’s because I wouldn’t show emotion around you. I couldn’t because I was so scared of looking like a failure to you. I was scared that you wouldn’t understand and scared because if you did, it meant that you were more like me and I’d hate for you to have the thoughts and emotional draining situation that I have. I miss you, I don’t think that will change any time soon. I miss seeing you every day and knowing that you would always try to make me smile. I miss being in your arms, knowing that even though I was scared, you loved me and that was enough.

I wish I could change this. I wish I could be the person you wanted me to be. The person who you wished for during every argument, the person you longed for every night that we was apart. I wish that I could take away every negative feeling in your body because to me, you deserve to be happy. I wish I could have seen myself through your eyes. I wish I could have made you happy, I wish I knew how to fix all the problems that I caused, but I don’t have the words or actions to change those things. And as much as writing this hurts, I have to do it.

I love you. I wanted you for years and when I got you, everything became complicated. So now there is only one thing left to do. That is to say goodbye. As even though that hurts and breaks my heart, I have to let you go because as you stated, we could never be friends. I have to let you go so you can find happiness and love in someone else. I hate the idea of someone having everything I dreamed about with you, but we had our chance and unfortunately, both our hearts got broken for different reasons.

For what its worth, I never wanted to lose you. It didn’t matter what my friends or family said, it didn’t matter how they felt, because on our greatest days, we were a force to be reckoned with. I’m sorry for the insecurities and doubts you had that caused you to be a bit on the defensive side. I’m sorry for the pain and heartache I caused. But I will not apologise or take back that I love you. Because your love changed me.

And before you think this could be written about anyone else, it couldn’t. Because you had my heart. You were my present and I wanted you to be my future. I wanted my Tinkerbell ring because it was from you and no one else.

So to the guy I have loved and lost, thank you for everything you ever did or said. Thank you for wanting me to be better and for trying to make sure I stayed that way. I will continue to wear your heart around my neck for as long as I still love you because I don’t want to pretend we never happened. I love you and I think I always will.

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Being a mum❤️ Family❤️

Family is something we can’t choose…

I am and have always been family orientated. My family mean the world to me and I’d do practically anything to make sure they are happy and healthy, but there’s plenty that I wouldn’t do as well.

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever hope to hold. My daughter is my biggest motivator and best friend. She is adorable beyond words and her happiness is paramount to me. I’d go above and beyond for her because she’s my daughter and that’s what you do for your children. However, there are times where I must do things that would make me seem unfair to certain people.

I will also be the first person to stand in-between my daughter and those who wish to cause her harm or negativity. That includes family! I am not about to let any single person on this planet, treat my daughter like she doesn’t matter, and I certainly won’t allow ‘family’ to do the same. Call me strict, but I don’t want my daughter going through the same heartache and pain that I went through.

My daughter is really lucky, because she does have so many people around her that love and cherish her more than I thought possible. I know there are a list of people that would go to the ends of the world for my daughter, because they love and care for her. They also want what’s best, however, all her family won’t be involved in her life and it won’t be Luna missing out.

Luna has family she has met once and will probably never see again. She also has family she will never meet, and that’s not through her faults and when she grows up, I’ll explain it to her but that does break my heart. I grew up with having a chunk of my family not bother with me, and they still don’t really care to this day. They will be some of the people missing out on Luna. Not me. I get to see her adorable little smile and her bubbly personality each and every day. Those don’t and wont.

I won’t give people the opportunity to walk out on my daughter, the same way they walked out on Kieran and me. I won’t allow people to let her down repeatedly or say that her birthdays don’t matter. I won’t allow other people to make her feel like she is any less than what she is. I won’t allow “grandparents” an automatic right in her life, just because they may share DNA.

Luna has two parents that adore the life out of her! She has four grandparents that spoil and cherish her and each of them have an ever-growing bond with her. I mean, she goes so shy whenever my pops come over, but that doesn’t stop her from backing into him for cuddles every ten minutes or playing chase in the garden. Every morning, she calls for nanny cats and goes into the living room to see her and gives her the biggest smile! Then we have Katie and Ste, Kieran’s dad and step mum. They are incredible with her, so much that it makes me cry. They came down when she was readmitted to hospital, even though there was snow on the roads, and they had to drive the two-hour journey. That was the first time they met her, and they went through some difficult situations but still they made the effort!

I have my best friends who ring me up and always ask how my daughter is and generally, they all have to have conversations with her, but I don’t mind. Because they are actually taking the time to make an effort with my baby girl. Luna has aunts and uncles that she has built such strong bonds with, so sometimes taking her away from them for bed or naps can become a problem but she still gets special time with all of them.

So now, to the family who can’t be bothered with my daughter. The family that can’t be bothered to send a message asking how she is or what she’s learnt to do this week, because she is always growing and learning. To all of you that want to claim you have an active part in my daughter’s life, you don’t. She doesn’t know who you are and that’s not my fault. I can’t force her to know people that can’t be bothered with her and I won’t make her put up with you just because your family. Most of you, don’t deserve to know the happiness and love that my little girl can bring. You won’t know the way she laughs when the claw comes out or how much she loves animals and being outdoors. You won’t get to experience her sassy, cheeky nature. You won’t get to see how smart she is, when she’s reading her books and understanding the words. You won’t get to feel how loving and cuddly she is, because she will give everyone attention. And that’s not my fault. I’m not missing out on her because I am her mum, which means I am her strength each and every day. That strength, means stopping people I consider toxic, being an active part in her life.

But thank you. Thank you to those that put in the effort. Thank you to those that never let Luna forget who they are. Thank you to those that may come round to see me but still make effort to play with Luna and make her smile. You are the ones that Luna will grow up around. And for that, I couldn’t be more thankful.

We don’t have to allow family in our lives just because they are related. If they don’t boost you up or show concern when you’re down, they don’t deserve a place in your life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve people around you that make you happy. So don’t settle for anything less than happiness.

Thank you for reading, as always you can follow me on Twitter and Insta @openupwithme or head over to my facebook page by searching ‘openupwithmeblog’. Until the next time, keep smiling. Ferrari. ❤️

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Being a mum❤️ Ferrari❤️

I’m A Queen…

How shallow and superficial must I be to refer to myself as a Queen, but I honestly believe that there is royalty in all of us, it’s just a matter of establishing your self worth. You are worth more than anyone else gives you credit for. You go through battles that nobody sees every single day and you don’t give yourself enough props. You work through hard days because its expected, even though inside it kills you just to fake a smile. You have been put down and forgotten, but that’s because you forgot to remember yourself. You and you alone have got through every day that lead you to today and there is always a reason for it. Even in your darkest moments, there are reasons. You are not alone, you will never be alone for as long as you want people around. You are loved even when you don’t love yourself. You are you and that’s the best person to be. You are worth every diamond, every rock and everything in between. Because you, are irreplaceable.

Every single person on this planet has troubles and no single person is perfect. Anyone who claims to be, is a robot and doesn’t actually function. Perfection is a standard set to promise failure because its not achieveable. So stop trying and just embrace who you are, warts and all.

Today, I got asked what I would write to a 13 year old me, and it was such a simply hard question to answer. They didn’t know that at 13 my life changed so dramatically that I still haven’t really got myself back and that wasn’t their fault, but how I let that time affect me now, is my fault. This was a time where I was called a drama queen, an attention seeker, a liar and manipulator and most of all, it was the time that I needed everyone around me more than ever. I have spent most of my life as a victim of my past and I refuse to let it have that control over me anymore. I refuse to let other peoples actions and words determine the person that I let my little girl live up too. How can I, as a mother of a girl that will one day also be a teenager, let things that brought so much self destruction and self doubt, be the things she see? I can’t. The day I gave birth to her, I became a Queen in her eyes and she became my little princess. The one girl that I would give my life for without a first thought, let alone a second. I would go to the ends of the earth for her, and that means facing the demons that haunt my nightmares and keep me awake. It means admitting that PTSD is a real thing and its soul destroying but I will not let that be the side she grows up with.

If I wrote a letter to 13 year old me, it would go something like…

“Dear “Drama Queen”,
Embrace your title, embrace your dreams because you can do anything. No single person can stop you from living your life and being the person you want to be.
There are people around you that are going to become toxic, and although you are going to go through a turbulent time, it will get easier and it will all be worth it. But you can’t let their words shape you. You can go through hell and back, just don’t lose your smile. Don’t lose your personality and don’t lose your voice.
Your body is amazing, and you don’t need to worry about your weight until you get pregnant, because believe me, you will get fat but your child is worth it. Don’t lose that love of food, because it will make you try such random but beautiful meals. Food isn’t the answer, and neither is avoiding it.
Make sure you pick your own path. There are people that will say being creative doesn’t lead to jobs, and its bollocks!
Don’t hide your emotions. Don’t be embarrassed, you have a big heart and so many of your problems can be solved if you open up. People won’t always leave, I mean, you get to meet some of the best people, just open up and tell them what it’s like. There’s a reason you think and feel differently, and the ones that matter, won’t ever judge you for it, they try to understand it and they embrace it.
So many people will make you feel small, so many will doubt you and will try to bring you down, but you are worth more than that. Believe in yourself and you will be surprised where you end up.
Its going to be okay, I promise, and you should know, we don’t make promises we have no intention of keeping!”

I realised today that I wouldn’t change the things I went through, not the good and not the bad, but I would change how I dealt with it. So I’m going too. One day, very soon, I will post about the nightmares, I will post about the scariest and darkest moments because if I’m going to address them, It’s going to be my way. I always said I wanted to use my voice to make a difference, and I thought that meant going into law because I love arguments. I didn’t need a law degree because I have this. I have my voice and I have one hell of a way to go. But if I can help one person, if I can make a difference in just a single life, then all of the pain that I suffered to be strong will be worth it.

D4IG3VxXoAAC3Ja
My little princess.

 

Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but it was meant to be lived. I’m not going to live in fear. Not in fear of others and their words, of people and their actions and I refuse to be scared of who I am. To some I am nothing, to others I am something, but to the most important person, I am everything, and that is enough for me. Don’t lose yourself to opinions of the few, because they will always look to bring you down to them because its easier to attack. Embrace the ones who matter, because they are irreplaceable. Until the next time, enjoy your day and ill speak soon. Ferrari❤️

Categories
Being a mum❤️

Bug bears as a first time mum…

When you’re a first time mum, you have so many people around you telling you all sorts of things. Now I don’t know how many would agree with me, but honestly, they drove me up the wall!! I know the kind of parent I want to be and I know the kind of parent I don’t want to be. I don’t need outside opinions about what I should and should not be doing with my daughter. I LOVE Luna, and I’d do absolutely anything for her but I’m going to learn how to be a parent the best way I can, by being her mum. As a first time mum, I’ve heard and been through enough to know which people to listen too. So I thought I’d discuss some of the key ones that jump out.

Just you wait until (enter next milestone here). My daughter is incredible and learns at her own speed. I could not and would not fault her for it. She can say about 6 words and know their meanings as well as walking, crawling, feeding herself with a spoon. She has about 12 teeth in her tiny little mouth (and oh my goodness, they hurt!), and loves music. She started walking for the first time days ago and I couldn’t be prouder because it means that she’s going to be exploring the world right there next to us. People that say, you’ll wish she weren’t walking are wrong. Because yes it means being vigil but as a parent of a toddler, you’re supposed to have eyes on them at all times unless you’re prepared to clean up the mess.

Oh look at her attitude. She’s your double, better watch out. Well done genius. She’s made up of half my dna which means she’s gonna take after me. She’s got an attitude? Yes. 100% got an attitude. But that’s not a problem. She is a sassy little mare and I love her for it. She will start spouting “blagger blagger blagger” and then puts her hand up and walks away. She said what she had to say and clearly she was done with the conversation. She’s one. Why would I punish that? She is growing into her character and she’s exploring. She’s a child and I hope that she continues to be the sassy little princess I’ll raise her to be. The girl can have manners and a bit of attitude.

In my day, we did this… no one can tell you how they used to do it. I mean it’s currently the older generation that’s in charge of the country and look how that’s turning out. Their priorities have always been in the wrong place and I don’t want my daughter growing up the way I did. I don’t want to ever be scared to come home, I never want to know that she can’t tell me when she’s upset and I never want her to feel like she can’t hug me.

If you pick her up every time she cries she’ll become attached. What a crock of shite! I know the difference between my daughters cries. And if my daughter wants a cuddle, guess what, she’s gonna get a bloody cuddle. No one gives a cuddle like she does. I stand by the phrase, you cannot over cuddle a child! Luna isn’t attached. Yes she has her clingy days, but that’s because she’s teething and it must really hurt to have teeth push through your gums. I mean could you imagine that 🤣. She is one of the happiest little girls you could ever meet. She will hug pretty much everyone and doesn’t get shy that often (there are a few exceptions).

Now I could go on but they are the biggest bug bears that I hear all the time at the minute. Luna is by far my greatest achievement. She gets up and dances when she hears a song she likes, she will sit and stare every time she sees Felicia in Shrek. I swear she loves the end credits of the third film more than the film itself. Her smile can lighten a room and make you awe. Luna is my creation. And I honestly can’t express how perfect her laugh is, it’s a joy that everyone should know.

She stole them from me to try them on.

What are some of your bug bears as a parent? Let me know. @OpenUpWithMe on Twitter, Insta and Facebook. Thank you for reading. Ferrari. ❤️

Categories
Being a mum❤️ Health❤️

Postnatal Depression and me.

When I first had Luna, I turned round to FOUR different doctors and told them that I had postnatal depression, they said it was just baby blues and it would pass… 13 months later and I still have those “baby blues” and yet it took a self referral to the mental health to get help. But the second the mental health team said that I had it, I had so many people say “oh I could have told you that”…. really? So why didn’t anyone stand up for me when I first said it? Why was I just brushed off and ignored? And now you wanna claim that you knew? No.

Yes. I have postnatal depression. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love my daughter, and it doesn’t make me a bad mum. It makes me a troubled one. It makes it harder to bond with her and I punish myself for it. I couldn’t get attached to her because I was constantly scared I was gonna lose her. Partly due to something sinister and partly because I had people threaten to get her taken off me before she was even here. I had nightmares that someone was gonna kidnap my baby girl every night and it made me not want to sleep.

My daughter is just over a year and I have never had a bath with her like most mothers would. I have never taken her out alone. I can’t be there when she goes to sleep and I get so nervous about being alone with her. I have spent probably about 5 hours alone with my daughter in her entire short life and that’s not because I don’t want too. It’s because I can’t. I get scared that I can’t cope and I panic. I’m scared that somethings going to happen to her and it’s gonna be all my fault. I’m scared of being a bad mum and neglecting her. And I wouldn’t have any sort of relationship with her if it wasn’t for Kieran. Because he is well and truly my rock.

My daughter is by far the most important person in my life and all I do is worry. I over think and I panic because I think of the worst things possible. But it’s only recently that I’ve actually started to bond with her and I won’t do it without support. I mean for the first 11 weeks of her life, I breastfed her and it was one of the hardest challenges I’ve had to face. She was an extremely hungry baby. She clusterfed so much that for the first few weeks, I had about 7 hours sleep a week. It wasn’t that much. I ended up in hospital because I was rundown and my body was suffering. It got to the point where she was having both breasts, whatever I could express and top up formula and I felt defeated. I felt like I couldn’t even give my daughter what she needed.

The day I made the decision to stop, was the hardest and was when I went downhill. Everyone told me that I wasn’t a bad mum and I had given her the best start to life but it didn’t matter to me. Because I felt like I failed again. I couldn’t go full term, I couldn’t give birth naturally and then I couldn’t breastfeed her. I saw new mums bonding with their babies and I felt even worse because I couldn’t. I saw mums lose their precious ones and I felt guilty. Here I was with a perfectly healthy baby and I couldn’t do the one thing they longed for. And still to this day, I punish myself because of other people and I shouldn’t.

Every day however, I make Luna her night time bottle, kiss her forehead and tell her how much I love her. Every morning I wake up to her massive smile and I tell her how much I love her and how happy she makes me. Every day, I give her the biggest cuddles I can and sing her favourite songs to her. I help get her dressed and we play with her toys. We watch Shrek cuddled up in bed and we sing “if you’re happy and you know it”. But I still feel like there is so much more that I should be doing and could be doing.

I was severely depressed before I had Luna and it made sense that I had postnatal depression because I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. But every day I try for that little girl and every day it does get easier. If you were to ask Kieran how many times I asked for reassurance, he’d probably say way too much. I honestly do believe that I suck as a mother because the little I do is nothing compared to what I should be.

However, I do know that I love my daughter and I make sure that she is happy. Believe me, she is. It’s very rare that she’ll cry and she makes me so proud. She doesn’t need a perfect mum, but she does need a happy one. And battling this, is hard but for her, I’ll kick it’s ass. I’ll show her that even at my weakest, I can be strong. That even when I feel like I’m failing, she’s living proof that I’m not that bad. One day, I know I’ll be the mum I’m capable of. One day I will make my daughter as proud as she makes me. I just have to take this one day at a time.

Thank you for reading. Ferrari. 💝

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Being a mum❤️ Family❤️ Lifestyle❤️

My silver lining. ❤️

I feel like my post earlier was pretty dark. I mean yes I have bad days but I have the greatest light of all.

My daughter is my everything. I live every day for her! I push myself when I feel weak because she is my strength. She has the cutest smile and the best cuddles. She has the brightest eyes and the warmest laugh. If you ever have the pleasure to meet her, I bet you remember her.

She saved me. Last year, I was going through some of the hardest moments of my life. We found out we were having her and it gave me purpose. She gives me purpose. She is such a happy baby girl that I couldn’t have asked for more. Every morning she will wake up between 7-9, she has her breakfast, listens to music and dances about. She loves a good swivel! She laughs and plays with us. She’s learning to walk and loves to explore. She’s such a little character. She has her nap and sleeps at about 8. All day we are on our toes but all day she keeps us smiling.

I live for cuddles with her because they make everything perfect.

See. No matter how bad my day may get. No matter how low I feel. She is enough to keep me sane. She gives the sloppiest kisses and the silliest high fives. She will copy my laugh and then laugh at it. It’s beautiful. There is nothing more honest in this world, than a child’s laughter.

Yes today was a bad day. But Luna is alive, she’s happy and she’s healthy. And that’s all I could ever ask for as a mother. So although mentally it was exhausting and draining, I have way more to be thankful of.

I am truly blessed. And I am so thankful for her each and every day! She is by far my greatest moment. She is the love of my life. A love that is pure and unconditional. I will love her beyond my lifetime because she is my legacy. And if I get one thing right in this world, I know it will be her.

I am thankful for being alive and sharing memories with her. I am thankful that I get to be her mum and bring her up with her amazing father. Because I am beyond thankful for him. He keeps me sane most of the time and is beyond perfect with her. He is the definition of a father. He lives and breathes for her. And that’s all I could ever ask. I love you both beyond words. Beyond actions.

I am thankful for all my readers. For helping me smash records. You let me write what I want and read it with great feedback. You support me and I truly appreciate it.

I am thankful for my friends that know who they are. That I don’t give enough credit to. Thank you for still being here even though I’m tough to handle sometimes. And to my family that put up with me day in and out. I love you all. ❤️