I lay in bed most nights and you consume my thoughts. You are always the last thought on my mind before I sleep, whether its because we are together or apart, arguing or happier than I could have imagined. You’re the first thought on my mind when I wake up, and you’re the first person I want to see when I open my eyes.
You see, I never thought you’d be an open letter on my blog, but here I am. Writing these words to you and only you. Without holding back and thinking about anyone else, how they may be affected or what they may say in retaliation. I simply don’t care anymore because in the grand scheme of things, they don’t matter.
When I was younger, I used to picture what my future would hold, and one thing I was certain of, was that I wanted to find a guy who loved me whole heartedly and without conviction. I wanted to find someone who I could see my future with, the good, the bad and the ugly. I wanted to find someone worth fighting for, to have a love that would make all the greatest romantic novels jealous. I wanted to find someone who knew the person I was and loved me regardless of my faults and the problems I face on a daily basis. One look into your eyes, and I thought I found it. My happy ever after.
We had our problems. You couldn’t trust me for a mistake I made at a weak point after I kicked you out and you told me you never wanted to talk to me again, you blamed me for the choices of others and you couldn’t find it in your heart to forgive me, even though I know you tried. You had your doubts and at times it seemed like I played into them, believe me, that was never the thoughts on my mind. I was selfish because I only thought about myself most of the time. You tried to make me into a person I’m not. You had me so high on a pedestal, that I was destined to fall and I never braced for the impact.
I will always be thankful for the person you helped create. For the belief you had in me at a time when I never believed in myself. For the mother you helped me become. I am thankful for the love I felt for you because it was everything to me. For the help and support you gave me every day that you were here. I am thankful for the warmth and strength you helped me find and the way you smiled at me every day. I know no one will ever look at me the way you did. The love and passion you had, is something I get to treasure.
As much as all the memories we made together hurt, as much as everywhere I look there’s another one creeping up on me, I know that one day I will be more thankful that they happened than sad that they wont happen again. We haven’t been together like we should have been and for my part in that, I am truly sorry. I am sorry for my actions and words. I am sorry that you felt like you were constantly hidden. I am sorry that you have so many negative thoughts now because every memory is tarnished in your eyes. But I can and will never look at you like a bad memory I wished I could forget. I will never hate you or hold any negativity towards you, because I will always love you for everything you did that made me a better person.
I still cry. I cry more than you’d realise, and that’s because I wouldn’t show emotion around you. I couldn’t because I was so scared of looking like a failure to you. I was scared that you wouldn’t understand and scared because if you did, it meant that you were more like me and I’d hate for you to have the thoughts and emotional draining situation that I have. I miss you, I don’t think that will change any time soon. I miss seeing you every day and knowing that you would always try to make me smile. I miss being in your arms, knowing that even though I was scared, you loved me and that was enough.
I wish I could change this. I wish I could be the person you wanted me to be. The person who you wished for during every argument, the person you longed for every night that we was apart. I wish that I could take away every negative feeling in your body because to me, you deserve to be happy. I wish I could have seen myself through your eyes. I wish I could have made you happy, I wish I knew how to fix all the problems that I caused, but I don’t have the words or actions to change those things. And as much as writing this hurts, I have to do it.
I love you. I wanted you for years and when I got you, everything became complicated. So now there is only one thing left to do. That is to say goodbye. As even though that hurts and breaks my heart, I have to let you go because as you stated, we could never be friends. I have to let you go so you can find happiness and love in someone else. I hate the idea of someone having everything I dreamed about with you, but we had our chance and unfortunately, both our hearts got broken for different reasons.
For what its worth, I never wanted to lose you. It didn’t matter what my friends or family said, it didn’t matter how they felt, because on our greatest days, we were a force to be reckoned with. I’m sorry for the insecurities and doubts you had that caused you to be a bit on the defensive side. I’m sorry for the pain and heartache I caused. But I will not apologise or take back that I love you. Because your love changed me.
And before you think this could be written about anyone else, it couldn’t. Because you had my heart. You were my present and I wanted you to be my future. I wanted my Tinkerbell ring because it was from you and no one else.
So to the guy I have loved and lost, thank you for everything you ever did or said. Thank you for wanting me to be better and for trying to make sure I stayed that way. I will continue to wear your heart around my neck for as long as I still love you because I don’t want to pretend we never happened. I love you and I think I always will.