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Other!

The truth is a bitter pill to swallow…

The truth is a bitter pill to swallow and recently I’ve been accused of hiding things from my followers because I want to portray myself in a certain way because I believe myself to be above the things I write about. That isn’t the truth… however this is.

On the 22nd of September, I went behind my boyfriends back and met up with someone that I knew I had feelings for. I lied to him and told him he was just a friend, however that wasn’t exactly true. We had a history, a history that I kept from him. I told him exactly where I was and who I was with. I told him just enough for him not to question it. On this day, I ended up making out with someone, and went back to my boyfriend and lied to his face. I continued to text said person. I was hiding everything behind my boyfriends back and that wasn’t the life I wanted.

Once I got my flat, I knew the person in question was in a bad place, after all, I had spent days after days texting him as much as possible, so I let him stay in order to give him a place over his head whenever he wanted it and because I wanted him around. He spent countless nights on the sofa, and I would fall asleep either next to him on the sofa bed or on the floor. I justified it by saying that my relationship with my daughters’ father was beyond repair, when the truth is, I made it that way months before. I shut him out and built the distance between us. I felt like I had trapped him when I fell pregnant, something that wasn’t true, but it didn’t stop it feeling real to me.

I was messaging other guys for attention because I didn’t feel loved or wanted at home. I found comfort in other people because I created distance in my relationship. I felt scared and alone. I should have spoke to him, maybe we could have found a way to solve it before it got beyond repair. I didn’t. Around the middle of October, me and my daughters father decided to stop trying with our relationship. When the truth was, he would have carried on the way we were, I however couldn’t live with my conscience, I also had feelings for another. That wasn’t fair on him. I never told him the truth, instead I buried it in lies.

I then got with the same guy that had spent time on my sofa. And yet still was lying. I continued to lie to him, yes, I was talking to other guys, I justified it by saying that they were purely innocent. However, it got to the stage where one wasn’t. After we split and he left, I cried for about an hour and then decided that in order to get over him, I would again bury myself in attention from other people. Within hours of breaking up with the guy I loved, I cried and then refused to let him know that I was hurting so I indecently sent pictures of myself to another guy who then returned said pictures. That stopped becoming innocent the moment we started flirting.

I guess the truth is I do need attention. Me and Tinkerbell have that in common. Most of the time I feel alone and nearly all the time, I have made myself that way. I had the guy I wanted and yet it wasn’t enough. I always had someone there to fall back on and this time, I had to make sure they weren’t around. And I did, for about a month. But then I fell back into old habits. I was talking to other people, most of them being innocent, however I still lied about them. I still hid them even though I didn’t have too. When he started to question me about it, I would call him a liar and make him feel insecure. I wrecked the trust he had in me and for what? To make sure that I would never be alone, because that is one of my biggest fears.

The start of our relationship was rocky. He told me he didn’t want me to share it on social media, he didn’t want to be a story that I sold. That hurt. To me, that was his way of saying that he was ashamed of our relationship. He didn’t want me to share any photos that we had taken, he told me his reasons, but it never stopped that thought in the back of my mind. However, I did what he asked… most of the time. I never shared any photos that we took, even though to begin with, my smile was undeniable. I was so bleeding happy and I wasn’t allowed to share it. I started to call him controlling because he was making me feel ashamed that we were together. He stopped holding my hand in public, he stopped making me feel like he wanted to be around unless we were alone. The only place we really went together was the pub. I used the fact he didn’t want me to broadcast it to my advantage, it meant I could talk to whoever and wouldn’t have to tell them about him. To begin with, I told everyone about him and how happy he made me, however that soon changed.

When we started to have our arguments, I would find attention from anyone that wasn’t him. Instead of addressing the problems in our relationship, I went to other people and spoke badly of him because I was in a bad mood and it was his fault (it wasn’t necessarily his fault but that’s how I portrayed it.) I never wanted our relationship to go sour, but in the honour of being honest, I played a big part in it.

I became untrustworthy and disloyal. I became a problem and instead of addressing my problems, I tried my hardest to bury them and lied about it. To the point, anything I said was questionable. I mean if I truly loved anyone but myself, I would have admitted my faults before getting caught. I didn’t.  I manipulated situations because I never wanted to get caught. I lied to cover my tracks and got so lost in my lies that I couldn’t remember what I had said because for a fair chunk of it, it was buried and that’s the way I preferred it.

I hate people getting close enough to me because everyone leaves. So, I stop people getting close by keeping them behind a wall. I don’t like risking things because my emotions are so unpredictable most of the time, that I never wanted to give someone the power to destroy me. The truth is, I destroyed myself. I wreck friendships and relationships because I want to protect myself. However, I still get destroyed by the lies and control that I let others have.

I have had countless people tell me how I am an incredible actress… I can make myself seem innocent when I am far from it. Its true. The same way I am one hell of a storyteller. Words are the most powerful tool we have, and I know this. 90% of the time I am very aware of what words I use to string a sentence together. I know how to use my words to skirt round the things I’m doing. I know how to use my words to my advantage, and I won’t hide away from that. I know that I can read people when I want too. I know how to give people just enough to make them believe what I’m saying even if I know it’s a blatant lie. So, let’s be honest.

I am incredibly selfish most of the time. The only person I really care about other than myself is my daughter and I failed her more times than I can count. I was a rubbish mother, but I am trying to get better. When it comes to most of my relationships, I have always had people around to fall back on if they fail. Yes, I have more male friends than I do females, because I am also aware of how I look. I never asked to look like this, but I will hold my hands up and say that I have used the way I look to get what I want for a fair chunk of my life. I am buried behind lies and I’m one hell of a control freak. I can switch myself off to people at the click of my fingers. I can pretend they don’t care, and I know I can make people believe they are worthless to me because I have trained myself to not give a fuck.

I am absolutely petrified of commitment. I have seen so many people commit their life to someone and watch them get fucked over. I’ve grown up around so many failed relationships that I generally won’t get into one without a back up option. I must have control because otherwise, I let people walk all over me and I refuse to go back to that person. I stopped myself getting attached because I don’t believe people when they say they will always be around. There are times where I’ve made it my mission to prove them wrong.

I came off twitter because I portrayed my partner to be something worse than what he was. Sure, he has the power to be an absolute twat, but that didn’t mean that I should have told the world that he was. My loyalty to him should have meant more than that. And to him, I am truly sorry for the way you were presented. Yes, you’re an arrogant asshole, but you were mine and I loved you regardless. I came off twitter because the guy that I was flirting with behind my partners back was on there and was all over it. He has since been blocked but that doesn’t stop the fact that I did it.

I have the power to be an incredibly awful person. I can be heartless. I can and have proven this to so many people. But the truth is, I am that person. I have habit of saying things to protect people I shouldn’t because I still want them around. I have downplayed my actions because I selfishly weighed the pros and cons and didn’t want myself to be a negative person. But I have been. I can name a whole list of people that saw the worst sides to me and to them, I am truly sorry.

I and I alone am accountable for my actions. I have done and said things I shouldn’t to protect myself and others. I have been a horrible person to so many people and that will be on my head. No one made me be that way, but I did it. For reasons that go beyond reason or responsibility. I never wanted people to get close to me. I never wanted to become easy to read. I have become someone Luna wouldn’t be proud of, and the first step to this, is admitting where the fault lies in me. It’s owning up to my shortcomings and admitting where I went wrong.

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Other!

Some things aren’t better off as secrets…

I had every post of this month planned out and up until a few days ago, I was doing so well at sticking to it. However, it came to the mental health post and I realised I couldn’t pretend and write how I was in a much better place compared to last year. I mean I have been, but that’s been down to a few reasons. I want to be honest and open right now, without naming names. Those closest to me already know but I was asked not to mention this on any forms of social media… I am however, choosing to ignore that and write about it anyway.

A few months ago, I found my reason to smile again. I got with someone who I had known for years and someone that I wanted just as much. We originally started getting closer around five years ago, but due to complications, such as leaving for uni, nothing ever amounted to anything. A few months ago, we got back in contact and at first it seemed like everything had changed, that we were too completely different people to those people 5 years previous, but I quickly found out that wasn’t the case.

There was never any doubt in my mind that I wanted anyone but him. The day I finally got that chance, I swore that I would try my absolute hardest to make it work. Because in my opinion, nobody came close. I had spent so long wishing I had a chance, then when I finally got it, I took it with both hands.

To begin with, everything was peachy. We wrote each other handwritten notes, we took pictures together, I was smiling, and life was going well. He picked me up at a time when I needed someone, and he tried to make sure that I stayed up. He taught me so many things I didn’t know, like how to be a better mother to Luna, how to be stronger and stand up for myself, how to face the world. I could do anything because he was by my side. We did everything together! There was nothing that gave me more joy than seeing him with Luna and the bond they created. He made me a better person today, than when we got together, and I know that I brought out some good things in him too. He made life choices that were for the better and started to pick his life back up and I was and will always be so proud of how strong he was and how much he tried to fight his demons. I’m just sorry that I turned into one.

I honestly thought we could get through anything. I thought I had found my future and I wasn’t prepared to let anything get between that. But I did. I let my insecurities and doubt eat me alive. We started to shut each other out. We both had things we were dealing with and we stopped confiding in each other. We stopped making time for each other and started doing everything apart. This slowly grated at me. Here I was, with the guy that brightened my birthday when it felt like the worst one yet, there was this guy that didn’t have to try too hard to get me to smile because he brought it out so easily. But because of how much I loved him, it meant that I would self-destruct and let my mind play tricks on me. I was so scared of losing him, that in the end, I ended up pushing him away. Digs started to happen, and arguments turned sour. I stopped finding ways to make things better. I continued to believe that I couldn’t make him happy. That he was only with me for this or that. That he wouldn’t want me. It was so easy to believe because I think so little of myself that I believed he deserved better.

I would never say I regret our relationship, because there is nothing in this life that he has had a part in that I regret. He found me and helped me beyond words. He brightened most of my days. He had his bad parts sure, but I never stopped loving him. He was the first guy that I could be in an argument with and continue to smile whenever I thought about them. He was the only guy that made me feel like I was something to someone. He put me so high on a pedestal that when I fell, I hit the floor at such a force.

The moment you turned away as you said goodbye, I shut the door and broke down into tears. Tears because I had forced this to happen. Tears because I was hurting, and I couldn’t take it. Tears because I had given up when I believed there was no other way to save us. Tears because I love you so much that it was breaking me. I sat in your dressing gown that had your smell over it and cried. I looked in every direction and there was some sort of reminder that a hole had built. I never wanted it to come to that. I wanted to find a way to make it work but I wanted us both to want it and I stopped believing in you.

How was it fair that for ten years I waited for something to last four months and to break me at the end of it? How was it fair that even after we went separate ways, that I couldn’t stop finding things in you? How was it fair that we went through so much, only to be torn apart? How is it fair that you could never see how much you meant to me? How is it right that we hurt like this?

I wanted to believe with my whole heart, that we were the strongest I had ever known. I wanted to believe that we could have faced everything and won. But there were so many things stopping me from telling you the truth. Telling you how scared I really was. How much I just wanted to hide because opening up to you meant doing something, I had trained myself not to. I wanted to run into your arms whenever I got scared but then I realised id never have left.

I became someone who couldn’t be what I wanted. I believed that I couldn’t make you happy. I believed I was bringing you down instead of picking you up. And that affected me in ways I should have shared. I wish that I knew a way to fix us. I wish I knew how to make us okay because I would, in a heartbeat. Maybe one day, we would be able to talk and try to fix this. But for now, I want you to know that a relationship with you is worth so much but not at the expense of losing ourselves. If I could find a way to make this right, I would!

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Who am I?

I want to bring back snail mail…

Writing the post about my one of my favourite teachers of all time, made me realise that I really want to get back into snail mail. I want to find a pen pal and write handwritten letters to them instead of using things like Email and Social Media. However, when it come to writing this post, I realised I don’t write letters to anyone, and I don’t have a pen-pal. I mean, I have people I talk to all over the world but its not the same if I’m sitting behind a phone or computer communicating to them.

I love the feeling of going to my post-box and finding letters in there, however, most of them seem to be bills or junk mail and that gets a little disheartening after a while. I want to go there and see handwritten letters because to me that says more. It shows that they have taken the time to not only put their words on to paper and mail them, but that their creative side has come out. I like the feeling of knowing that people haven’t forgotten handwritten letters in an age of so much technology.

So, I’m going to start a mission! I’m going to find pen pals over the world and write to them. I’ve invested in some pretty paper and sparkly pens to make it seem special, maybe I’ll get some stickers as well. But I want to find some correspondence with people that comes away from technology and sparks a fire back in the belly of being excited when you get mail.

What do you think? Where would I go to find a pen pal so to speak? Would you like to help? I want to hear your ideas. I know this is a shorter post compared to what I usually write but its about putting my ideas into action and sharing my experiences with you guys. I want to know if you have any pen pals, how did you meet them? I’d like to know any tips or pointers. If you could get in touch via Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or emailing me at RariAyliffe@openupwithme.com. Wherever you are in the world, keep smiling.

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Open Letters!

An Open Letter to my Year 4 and Year 6 teachers…

Now that I’m back to blogging consecutively I want to continue my open letter series. And who better to start than with two teachers who gave me more than just an education.

An Open Letter to my year 4 and year 6 teachers…

Firstly, I want to start off by saying thank you! Thank you for everything you did during my years with you. I may not have been the brightest or most well-behaved student for you but it’s only as I’ve been growing up that I realise just how much you taught me in such a short space of time.

Many of our teachers, only have us as students for a short space of time, its so true especially in Primary School when I changed teachers every year. But these two stood out for going above and beyond what they needed to do for my education. Both for different reasons and both taught me much more than just what was on the curriculum.

I’m going to start with my year 4 teacher, Miss Frisby. She was a teacher that came from Australia and taught in the country for one year before returning home. Thankfully, I was in her class and I will never forget her. In the space of 12 months, she taught me more about myself as a person than any teacher I have ever had! She encouraged us all to create connections that were outside of the everyday life by setting up pen pals for us all with her parents’ school in Australia. Unfortunately, when she left, not many of us continued our letters but it was a thoughtful idea. It gave us a chance to get to know someone from a different way of life who could give us more of a perceptive on the world.

When she left the school, she gave us all these little koalas with messages on them and each one was different and unique. They were also personal, and I will never forget mine. She told me to never lose my “nuts” (I used to always say oh nuts if something went wrong, and because I am entirely clumsy, it was said frequently enough that she paid attention). She told me to continue to believe in myself because I had a heart of gold and nobody should ever be able to take that away from me. She gave me faith on days that homelife made it difficult. She made lessons entertaining and engaging so that I could lose myself in my work without losing my head. She helped me look forward to school rather than staying and losing myself in my complications.

She was probably the first teacher to encourage me to become a teacher. It was all I wanted to be when I was younger (If I couldn’t make it as an actress… obviously). She told me that if I continued with the same passion I had and the warmth in my heart, that I would have no problems being an inspiration to others. She was so easy to talk to and the way she helped us learn was what inspired me to want to be like her. She also helped encourage my love of Australia from the way she would talk about it and the pictures that we got to see. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard or seen her since, but I sincerely hope wherever she is in the world, that she’s continuing to inspire other children, the way she inspired me. Who knows, maybe she’s out there reading this, (I highly doubt it but hey, a girl can dream.)

To my second teacher, the last primary school teacher I had, thank you. Mr Rogers, you taught me so much. You taught me how to be a better friend because we all know that girls can be bitchy. You taught me that its okay to be smart and to want to better myself. Every new day was started with a brain buster, something to get our brains engaged and willing to learn. Every day we learned something different, even if it was silly things that stuck in my brain, like what begins with e, ends with e and only has one letter in it… If you don’t know, its envelope. You taught me that the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog is the shortest sentence that uses every letter of the alphabet.

You taught me that inspiration comes from inside and we must be open to the world and its many possibilities. You set me up for life at Secondary School, and you’d be pleased to know that I stayed out of trouble for at least a year before I started to get a reputation for having a big mouth and poor attitude. You taught me that I shouldn’t hide my intelligence to gain friends, even though I have made myself dumber to impress the wrong people. You taught me that the world of possibilities can be found if I am willing to embrace them.  You tried to make sure that we all knew we had creative control over how our lives planned out and sometimes, even though I haven’t lived up to my potential, I haven’t forgotten.

Both of those teachers helped shape the person I am. They helped create the strong and determined girl that sits typing this. They gave me ideas on how I want to live my life and where I want to be. And I think I finally re-realised that I want to be a teacher and inspire people the same way you inspired me. Thank you for affecting my life in the years that I had you. Thank you for everything that I may not have embraced as a child but that I certainly would never forget.

Signed, a small student with a big dream.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter to two teachers that affected and shaped my life. They may never realise the impact they had on me, but it will never be forgotten. Do you have any teachers that affected your life and helped you become the person you are today? Let me know by visiting Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. I hope wherever you are in the world, you too are inspiring people, the same way you were inspired. Make sure you live a life that you can be proud of. But as always, keep smiling.

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Give Thanks!

Goals for my blog 2020!

This year I decided to set out goals for my blog in a post so I can track my progress and it gives me something concrete that I can work towards.

  1. My first goal is wanting to reach 50 people on my Facebook page. My last one was on 92, and I can no longer gain access to that page. So, if you can go on there and give it a like, share it if you feel like you connect with it.
  2. I want to beat my current record of 94 views in one day. I am hoping that by blogging more and connecting with the right people that I will be able to smash this one by the summer.
  3. I want to smash my current yearly total of 1819 views. By creating more content, I am confident that it will be achievable.
  4. Let’s see if we can reach 1000 visitors in a year too.
  5. I want to blog more than just every now and then! I am hoping to have a new piece coming out every day but only time will tell if I can stick to that or not.
  6. I currently 78 followers directly connected to my blog and I am so incredibly proud of that but let’s see if we can top 100 within the new year.

I am so incredibly proud of how far my blog has come and I have worked so hard on making sure that I’m as honest and truthful about my journey because you never know who out there might relate to it and use my words to help get them through their tough days. Sometimes it helps to know we aren’t alone in the things we are going through.

My blog may not contain the worlds best writing but a lot of what I write, has either affected me on a personal level or I’m using my blog to make sense of the world that we all live in. All the support that I do receive, means so much to me. I’ve had some people I know quite well start blogs because of mine, I’ve had people message me saying that I’ve helped them and that’s part of the reason I started this. I love writing and there is nothing easier than to write what you know or what you feel. I’ve been using my blog as a coping mechanism as I know others have been too. So, I want to make sure that I am putting in the level of effort that it deserves.

Thank you! Thank you for your continued support and for helping me get where I am today! My blog wouldn’t be as successful as it is and even though its not the biggest one out there, that doesn’t matter because it’s not a competition. You can get in touch and let me know anything! I love to hear from you all! You can hit me up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Email! I hope that wherever you are reading this from, you are happy and healthy, living a life you’re proud of. Just remember to keep smiling.

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Who am I?

What family means to me…

Family is more than the bonds you share with those that have similar DNA, its also about your extended family. The ones you may not be directly related too or even related to at all, but the connection that you share.

My family is difficult. My mum and I haven’t always gotten on and we have clashed more times than I care to remember and my dad wasn’t around as much as I would have liked, but they are still my parents and I love them more than words could ever express. I have siblings that have hated me more times than I want to think about. Easy to say I clash with just about every one of them which is probably more my fault than anyone else’s but that’s why I made a promise that I would never have a home environment like the one I was brought up in. A big part of my extended family has made little to no effort with me or my siblings, but this isn’t a bashing about why they weren’t a part of my life because I had amazing friends that made up for it.

On the days when I felt like my life wasn’t a priority for my parents (I have disabled brothers who were the priority and rightly so), I turned to some of the best friends I could have possibly asked for. My best friends are as much family as my sisters and brothers, only they stick around through choice. They have helped raise me into the person I am today. I mean, if you were to speak to my best friend throughout school, she would say that we raised each other and sometimes we didn’t always have the right intentions, but we still made it.

Family isn’t about blood, its about the ones that stick by your side on your darkest days. They are the ones that may not be in touch all the time but that you can count on if you really need them. My family are the ones that I don’t think id be here without. My best friends have sat up with me after heartaches, have held my hair back whilst I puked my guts up and made me food to make sure that I’ve eaten.

I never wanted Luna to have to worry about family that weren’t around. The ones that send gifts to make up for their lack of trying and putting an effort in. The ones that have never so much as heard her voice let alone seen her smile. I always said I would protect her from those that didn’t have her as a priority, but I can’t. However, the family that aren’t related are the ones trying and coming around to spend time with her on a regular basis. The ones that facetime her once a week just so she knows that they are not as far away as she thinks. I mean she sees my mother and siblings practically every day since that’s where her father lives, but they are building a connection with her. They are the ones trying and putting the effort in.

Family isn’t about the ones that buy you gifts to make up for their lack of love. They aren’t the ones that buy your affection. They are the ones that would travel to the ends of the earth to help you out. And I’m super lucky, because mine goes beyond just my siblings. I have cousins who would move heaven and earth to make sure that I’m okay. I have aunts and uncles who know some of my darkest secrets but aren’t always around. They don’t have to send expensive gifts because they are just around the corner and I can see them whenever I need too. But I have the greatest friends I could ask for! Because they are my family and I wouldn’t know who I was or where I was going without their love and support. You guys are awesome! Thank you for not giving up on me. For fighting with me but loving me regardless!

What about you? What does family mean to you? Is it people you share DNA with regardless of their presence in your life? Are you like me and count your friends as your family? Let me know. Reach me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Email me! I hope you and your families are loved and connected throughout your lives and remember, keep smiling.

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Mumma Life!

Luna’s 2nd Birthday and Christmas!

Luna was born on the 22nd of December which makes it the most expensive month for two reasons. The first being her birthday which I intend to do something special for her every year and Christmas. Because of how close her birthday is to Christmas, it makes it difficult and complicated to ensure people can find the time to come, which is why I start planning what I want to do about July time. However, as most people know, nothing ever goes to plan.

Her 2nd birthday turned out to be one of the hardest on me emotionally and mentally. When we moved into the new flat, money became extremely tight. There was problems with my housing benefit that took three months to sort out, during which time I had got myself into debt because I couldn’t afford to live and pay rent on the money I was getting and with Kieran moving out, it meant I lost out on even more money. I ended up getting a letter about rent arrears with two weeks to pay before they take me to court, so it got me into a bit of a pickle.

Anyone who is on benefits knows that you can apply for an advanced payment which I usually save for Christmas and her birthday, however I had to use that money to pay off the debts that were building whilst waiting for them to still sort out my housing benefit. It wasn’t until my December payment that it finally got sorted, and although I received my back payment, I used that to pay for Luna’s Christmas presents and pay off some of the debt that had been building. This meant that money became tighter.

I still managed to spend money I didn’t have on throwing an awesome party for my little lady and making her Christmas as special as I could. I wouldn’t change it, I don’t care that it made living for the rest of the month tight, because she got to have such an amazing time at her party and didn’t stop smiling. It sucked that many members of her family couldn’t be there, but it didn’t spoil her day.

There comes a point in being a mum that you must make tough decisions. I made the decision to buy all the presents and put both Kieran and my name on it. As far as she was concerned those presents came from both of her parents and I did this for a few reasons. One, Kieran will be giving me half the money spent on her, when he can go back to work. Two, I hate the idea of having parents compete over who brought the better gifts. That drives me up the wall. Thankfully me and Kieran are amicable enough for Luna’s sake to be mature adults about it. Thirdly, I didn’t want to risk us getting her the same presents as we both know what Luna likes and would have looked for things that she would have enjoyed.

I think being a mum means always thinking you could have done more. And I generally feel like this most of the time, but a lot of that stems from how much I really didn’t do to begin with. But Luna is turning into a beautiful little lady and I am beyond proud of her. She makes me want to do better and for every day that I am alive, I am going to make sure that I give her all my effort. She is the only child I have, and she deserves the world.

Surely, I’m not the only parent out there that wants to give their children the world if money wasn’t an object. Any parents out there do the same? Make sure that their children have everything even if it means going without for a while? Let me know and get in touch. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or even Email! I would love to hear from you! I hope wherever you, you are the parent your children deserve. And remember, keep smiling.