Categories
Being a mum❤️

My final blog post…

If you follow me on twitter or Instagram, you’d already know but I thought I’d share it with you.

Over the last few years I have absolutely loved writing my blog, sure some moments were tough but I loved it. Writing has always been a hobby of mine, and this site gave me the space I needed to write what I wanted without fear or judgement on my views. However, it’s not what it used to be.

Mentally, I am destroyed. I have given up on nearly everything right now. I can’t cope with anything right now, but most of all, I’ve lost everything that makes me who I am. I am back to looking in the mirror and staring into a strangers eyes. Who I am, feels pathetic and worthless. I am struggling with just about everything and because of it, my mental health has suffered completely.

I am not in the best frame of mind and yet again I’m quitting because I’m scared of failing. I feel like I already have. I feel like I have failed in life and love. I feel like I fail my daughter because I don’t know who I am or what I stand for. I don’t know what happiness is. I thought I did, and when it went, I was broken and I don’t know when or how I am going to fix that, but you can believe I am going to try.

I want to personally thank every single follower, viewer and reader that has taken the time to visit my blog and read the words that I wrote. Nothing can change how thankful and how much I appreciate it. I want to thank every person that shared my blog and left love with it. You guys are amazing and I am truly humbled.

But sadly, this is my final blog post. This is the end of the line for openupwithme. Maybe one day I will go back to writing, but it wont be anytime soon. I need to find myself for my daughters sake, that and being a mum is a full time role that needs my full attention.

I want to wish everyone that has followed this blog, whether it be recently or from its inception, good luck on your future adventures. I hope your lives are enriched with happiness and love, because they are the most important things in this world. Whether its love from family and friends or from a partner, its important to treasure it always.

Goodbye and much love.

Categories
Other!

A break up…

Break ups happen all the time, whether they break up amicably or resentfully, they still decided to call it a day on their relationship. They decided to end the trying and call it quits. It’s a horrible thing to go through most of the time but sometimes, you know it’s just not working. Sometimes relationships aren’t meant to last, no matter how much you want them too.

Recently, I went through a breakup with someone who many people didn’t like, but to me, that didn’t matter. They weren’t the ones dating him, and even though there were some really low points, the highs were bloody amazing. I got really lucky to create such great memories with a guy I will always treasure. I got to spend time and get to know someone who has a history of being closed off, and it doesn’t matter how long or short we dated, I feel really lucky to have been let in to his heart, because once you get in there, his a different person.

I can’t count how many times I’ve cried, I can’t pretend to be okay about it. I have good moments during the day where I briefly forget about the truth of the situation, then something small would trigger every emotion I’ve tried to hide. I woke up this morning, and for a brief second, I looked at my phone like I had countless times before, and went to message you. Only to realise that we aren’t together, we don’t talk and that really sucks.

It hurts when you love someone as much as you possibly can, but it’s just not enough. For whatever reason, it’s just not working and you have two choices, to try and find a way to make it work or to just give up and walk away. It’s hard enough to love someone knowing that you just make them unhappy. It’s hard knowing no matter how much you try, you will never be enough for them, so in order for them to find what they need, they leave.

I wish I could just switch off how I felt. I wish I could just pretend that I’m okay, when in truth, I keep crying. Just thinking about them, leaves me in tears wishing that I could erase my memory. It sucks because all I think is what I could have done to make them happy, if I could have made anything better but that’s not the way I should be thinking.

Its hard enough to love someone you can’t have, but its even harder to know that even though you tried, you weren’t enough. It is hard to know that love couldn’t conquer the world, that even though you wanted to get through everything with that person, it just wasn’t enough. Love is one of the most powerful feelings in the world, its the love of ourselves that we make sure we are happy, the love of others that makes us want to keep in touch and be there in the time of need, and the love of our hobbies that make us want to keep doing them. However there is no cure when that love disappears and all you’re left with is heartache.

Right now, my heart aches. My mind is working overtime. All I want is to be in his arms, to look him in the eyes and tell him I love him more than words could express. That I would have gone through hell and back with him by my side, but it hurts knowing that it wasn’t enough. It hurts knowing I wont be seeing his smile or kissing his lips. It hurts knowing that the only choice I have, is to let go and move on… I just never thought it would happen.

I love you. I have for a while and I probably will for a while still. That everywhere I look, I’m surrounded by our memories and hints of you. I am sorry that I wasn’t what you needed and even more than I just made you worse. But still, I love you. I love you on your darkest days, on the days your angry and just need to vent and even when you have a smile that could turn heads. I just hope that even though we may be over, that our story has ended and our future is no longer together, that you can find happiness in things without turning on the negatives. I hope that you laugh more than you cry and live more than you have been. But know that not one second do I regret of us, not one moment makes me wish we never started and not one day has gone by where you haven’t been the most important guy on my mind.

Categories
Mumma Life!

My one and only…

Anyone who is a parent, knows that when it comes to their child, they come first most of the time. They put their children above nearly everything they do, only occasionally taking time out for themselves. And I’m no exception to that. My daughter is and will always be the most important person in my life. I have done things for her, that I would never have imagined. But if I didn’t, I could honestly say I would have been putting my needs above hers.

Luna is an amazing, funny, sweet, caring and truly delightful little lady who I have the pleasured privilege of calling my daughter. She is truly intelligent, loves music and brightens up my darkest moments just by being herself. She amazes me each and every day, from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to sleep, she is perfect and beyond describable with words. Just a few minutes with her, and I can guarantee that your mind would have been changed.

I knew when I gave birth, that I was going to face problems that I wished I didn’t and I’m not going to lie, most of the time I don’t know how to overcome them, but I try my best with my daughters wellbeing at the forefront of my mind. And I remember sitting with her father and talking about many what if scenarios. And one of the things we spoke about was, what if people pretend to want to be in her life only not to bother months later.

My daughter is almost 3. And I can honestly say that so much has changed in the past 3 years, that those who met Luna when she was a baby, would be shocked if they could see her now. That so many people who swore to stand by my baby’s side, have turned their back on her and forgotten she existed.

I swore that I would do anything in my power, to make sure that no one ever hurt my little girl. I swore that she would only have people in her life that wanted the best, that put in the effort and that treated her like she deserved to be treated. I swore that I would put her first and make sure that she is surrounded by those that love and protect her. She is the most important person in my life and I would do anything to make sure that she is happy and loved.

Luna has such a special bond with my sister and her boyfriend, my niece and my baby sister and brother. She has amazing bond with her father and with her pop pops. She loves her babe (Leanne, my best mate) and even my best friend overseas. She is loved by Nicole and by Stevi. And I’m thankful that she has so many people that put so much time and effort into spending time with her, even if its a simple video call to check up on her.

If you phoned her, you’d know that she loves to play with her bubbles, she loves to show off her teddys and do her ABC’s. She would run around showing you her exercises, telling you colours of things and making random food combinations. She would tell you how she’s mummy’s princess and how she loves the moon. She would dance around the room to her favourite songs, play on her keyboard and play hide and seek.

But it doesn’t matter, because to various members of her family, wouldn’t know that. They wouldn’t know because they don’t bother with her. They miss out on her and all her little quirks. Some of her family have never met her, they don’t know that her favourite fruit is strawberries, or her favourite teddy is Skye. They don’t know that she watches Cars and will dance around the soundtrack or that right now, she absolutely loves watching Sing because of the different music in it. They don’t know that she learned to walk later than most girls, but hasn’t stopped running circles around everyone in her life. They haven’t seen the way her face lights up when she see’s animals or how she asks for a goat atleast once a week.

There is only one person I have ever said, will not be welcome in Luna’s life. That’s because when Luna was born, both her father and I gave this woman a chance to prove that she can be a stable person in Luna’s life and she repaid me by trying to get my daughter taken off me on neglect charges… neglect over someone she has never met or even spoke to. Everyone else, I let them have many chances. I let them pretend to care, to send gifts but never actually making an effort. I let them pay for things for her, without them even engaging in her life because I have too, otherwise she’d have very little family.

But it hurts. It hurts that my daughter misses out on seeing or hearing from her family because they simply don’t remember she exists. I can’t remember the last time they actually put effort into her and that upsets me. They’ve missed out on two birthdays so far, and yet I have to keep giving them chances because otherwise I’m seen as a bitch. I love my daughter, and I want her to have the best chance in life, which means biting my tongue when it comes to the lack of effort put in by her family since we moved.

Luna is my world. She is the brightest star in the night sky, and the bluest skies during the day. She has an infectious smile and the biggest cuddles that make you feel better instantly. She is my ray of sunshine and my moon in a pitch black sky. She gave me the best title of all, mum and that’s a title I embrace. I just wish her family could see how important she is. That even at this young age, she’s one of the best things to ever happen to them.

So to my daughter, I love you little lady, and even though there a list of people who can’t be bothered with you, there is a longer more detailed list of people that would support and love you each and every day. The list of those who adore you, will always be longer than the list of people missing out. I can’t force them to be more involved in your life, but I will spend a lifetime making up for their lack of effort. Because you are the best person in my life, the strongest and sassiest little girl that I couldn’t imagine a life without. You changed my life for the better, so in turn, I will make sure I give you the best life I can.

To all those that have family that they haven’t bothered with in a while, pick up the phone and just talk to them. Tell them you’re thinking of them and that they will always have a place in your life because family is one of the strongest bonds you can have. Thank you all for reading my post, it means a lot to have your support, and I promise to try and write more. No matter what you’re doing, if you need a chat or someone to pick you up, I will try my best, just don’t be afraid to get in touch. You can find me on twitter, facebook or Instagram. And remember wherever you are in the world, whatever your feelings are right now, just smile because the world needs to see it.

Categories
Being a mum❤️ Open Letters!

An open letter to the guy I love…

I lay in bed most nights and you consume my thoughts. You are always the last thought on my mind before I sleep, whether its because we are together or apart, arguing or happier than I could have imagined. You’re the first thought on my mind when I wake up, and you’re the first person I want to see when I open my eyes.

You see, I never thought you’d be an open letter on my blog, but here I am. Writing these words to you and only you. Without holding back and thinking about anyone else, how they may be affected or what they may say in retaliation. I simply don’t care anymore because in the grand scheme of things, they don’t matter.

When I was younger, I used to picture what my future would hold, and one thing I was certain of, was that I wanted to find a guy who loved me whole heartedly and without conviction. I wanted to find someone who I could see my future with, the good, the bad and the ugly. I wanted to find someone worth fighting for, to have a love that would make all the greatest romantic novels jealous. I wanted to find someone who knew the person I was and loved me regardless of my faults and the problems I face on a daily basis. One look into your eyes, and I thought I found it. My happy ever after.

We had our problems. You couldn’t trust me for a mistake I made at a weak point after I kicked you out and you told me you never wanted to talk to me again, you blamed me for the choices of others and you couldn’t find it in your heart to forgive me, even though I know you tried. You had your doubts and at times it seemed like I played into them, believe me, that was never the thoughts on my mind. I was selfish because I only thought about myself most of the time. You tried to make me into a person I’m not. You had me so high on a pedestal, that I was destined to fall and I never braced for the impact.

I will always be thankful for the person you helped create. For the belief you had in me at a time when I never believed in myself. For the mother you helped me become. I am thankful for the love I felt for you because it was everything to me. For the help and support you gave me every day that you were here. I am thankful for the warmth and strength you helped me find and the way you smiled at me every day. I know no one will ever look at me the way you did. The love and passion you had, is something I get to treasure.

As much as all the memories we made together hurt, as much as everywhere I look there’s another one creeping up on me, I know that one day I will be more thankful that they happened than sad that they wont happen again. We haven’t been together like we should have been and for my part in that, I am truly sorry. I am sorry for my actions and words. I am sorry that you felt like you were constantly hidden. I am sorry that you have so many negative thoughts now because every memory is tarnished in your eyes. But I can and will never look at you like a bad memory I wished I could forget. I will never hate you or hold any negativity towards you, because I will always love you for everything you did that made me a better person.

I still cry. I cry more than you’d realise, and that’s because I wouldn’t show emotion around you. I couldn’t because I was so scared of looking like a failure to you. I was scared that you wouldn’t understand and scared because if you did, it meant that you were more like me and I’d hate for you to have the thoughts and emotional draining situation that I have. I miss you, I don’t think that will change any time soon. I miss seeing you every day and knowing that you would always try to make me smile. I miss being in your arms, knowing that even though I was scared, you loved me and that was enough.

I wish I could change this. I wish I could be the person you wanted me to be. The person who you wished for during every argument, the person you longed for every night that we was apart. I wish that I could take away every negative feeling in your body because to me, you deserve to be happy. I wish I could have seen myself through your eyes. I wish I could have made you happy, I wish I knew how to fix all the problems that I caused, but I don’t have the words or actions to change those things. And as much as writing this hurts, I have to do it.

I love you. I wanted you for years and when I got you, everything became complicated. So now there is only one thing left to do. That is to say goodbye. As even though that hurts and breaks my heart, I have to let you go because as you stated, we could never be friends. I have to let you go so you can find happiness and love in someone else. I hate the idea of someone having everything I dreamed about with you, but we had our chance and unfortunately, both our hearts got broken for different reasons.

For what its worth, I never wanted to lose you. It didn’t matter what my friends or family said, it didn’t matter how they felt, because on our greatest days, we were a force to be reckoned with. I’m sorry for the insecurities and doubts you had that caused you to be a bit on the defensive side. I’m sorry for the pain and heartache I caused. But I will not apologise or take back that I love you. Because your love changed me.

And before you think this could be written about anyone else, it couldn’t. Because you had my heart. You were my present and I wanted you to be my future. I wanted my Tinkerbell ring because it was from you and no one else.

So to the guy I have loved and lost, thank you for everything you ever did or said. Thank you for wanting me to be better and for trying to make sure I stayed that way. I will continue to wear your heart around my neck for as long as I still love you because I don’t want to pretend we never happened. I love you and I think I always will.

Categories
Mental health

Letting my inner saboteur win…

Living with BPD is tough, but not understanding it or your own brain is even harder. This month is all about Borderline Personality Disorder, and it’s one that I’ve been living with for some time. Or so the doctors tell me. I wish more than anything I could fix myself by waving a wand or writing a post, unfortunately it’s not that easy.

Imagine having a million and one thoughts going through your head. Some of them right and with meaning and context, others not. Imagine not knowing which are true and which are just a concoction that your brain has made up out of thin air. Imagine that all of these thoughts were competing to occupy your sole thought process. Not all of them can fit in there and the ones that make it through sometimes aren’t the right ones.

Every day is a constant battle. A battle between good and evil, a battle between black and white, because to those that suffer with this illness, there is no in between. You don’t have okay days. You have either really good or really bad ones and simple things can change the whole day. It could be a really bad day until something small happens and changes it completely or a really good day and something tiny can flip it on its arse. Then magnify that a thousand times. Because living with BPD is intense. Our good and our bad days are intense. The good days are magical and overwhelming. The bad are unbearable and soul destroying.

A simple thought can turn into a train wreck of emotions. I mean for example there are so many thoughts going through my head right now that I can’t make sense of. I can’t find ways to fix this. I am sitting here in a pitch black room wondering why I let my brain do the things I have done? How could I lose so much control when everyone else can seem like they have it together?

Tonight, before writing this, I relapsed. I hadn’t cut myself in months and yet here I am with fresh scratches over my wrist. Should I be proud that I went for the blunter object as opposed to the sharper one sat right next to it? No. Because I still took to causing myself pain, like my brain hasn’t caused me enough already. I sat in tears with no one around and I hurt myself because I couldn’t cope with the way my brain was going. I couldn’t shut it down and turn it off. I couldn’t change the station. I was just stuck with the voices inside my head.

I wish I could explain how and why I do the things that I do. I mean some of them are symptoms of BPD but does that excuse my behaviour? No. And it shouldn’t. Because I am more than a mental illness. Can I stop doing these things? Probably, but I don’t know how. All day, I’ve been stuck inside my head. I’ve been sat thinking about everything and anything.

Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

as found on https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

They are the nine symptoms of BPD and I’m going to look at every one of them because within the last few months, I am displaying them more and more. Maybe that will help explain things a little better.

Fear of abandonment – I am so scared of being alone and left alone that I push everyone away from me. It doesn’t matter how much I love and care for them. I will always push them away before they get too close. I try to keep them close and yet I can’t because the fear that they are going to leave makes sure I get there first. I feel like I’m too much.

Unstable relationships – I have had relationships where I am honestly and completely infatuated with this person. However my brain will always manage to find a way to change that. Sometimes it works, and when it does, it breaks me to the point I give in and give up. I can’t stop how I feel or how much it hurts. I can’t look at the positives when my brain is so consumed with the negatives and it always wins, even when I don’t want it too.

Unclear or shifting self-image – Some days, I can see the confident, strong girl I once was, and others, I’m a shell of that person. Some days I can believe I’m a good person, others I feel like I’m the worst person and don’t deserve the love that I get. Most of the time, I don’t know who I am, but I know that one day, I will do.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours – When I’m going through a tough time, I have been known to turn to things like drink, alcohol and attention from guys. That’s not a secret. It’s not because I don’t care or because I want to be an arse. It’s because I need to find a way to feel better, even if it’s short lived because the bad literally consumes me. The negativity will swallow me whole, so I look for an easy out. It’s not right and it’s not fair on the ones around me.

Self-harm – I spoke about this earlier on in this post. Should I be proud that I chose the flimsy option over the one that would leave scars? No. Because I shouldn’t have done it at all. But I needed too. I needed the pain in my head to be real. I needed to feel something real because I know my brain isn’t half the time. I needed to know that I could feel at a time I felt numb.

Extreme emotional swings/explosive anger – this illness isn’t otherwise known as emotionally unstable personality disorder for nothing. This is a real consequence of living with this. I can’t control my emotions. I have such high highs that the second I come crashing down, its a nightmare. That I can flip from the happiest in the world to complete devastation over something so trivial and meaningless. The second I get triggered, this horrible person that I try so desperately to keep back comes out. I can’t stop them, I just watch as the anger is released knowing that I lost control. And when they pass, I feel so guilty that I bury them because if I didn’t I’d do something I regret like hurt myself or turn to alcohol.

Chronic feelings of emptiness – do you know what it’s like to be around the person you love and feel dead inside? That all the attention in the world, just cant fill it. To look at someone you love with every fibre of your being, knowing that you love them but feeling so empty you can’t show it? I have sat next to people that try their hardest for me and just end up feeling guilty because I can’t open up to them because I feel numb and worthless. I can’t fill a void that is there because I don’t know why I feel that way in the first place.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality – This happens on a regular basis and I don’t know how to stop it. Every day is a battle between figuring out what is real and meaningful and what my brain is trying to convince me is the truth. It’s a trap that I can’t get out of.

Living with BPD is soul destroying. It controls every moment of every day. It’s the really high highs that make me feel invincible and the really low lows that make me believe I am worthless. It’s the moments like having a great day with Luna and coming back to a room filled with memories and torment and letting those thoughts consume the good. It’s about waking up in the morning and knowing if today will be a good or bad day before it’s even started.

There are days where I feel like a burden. Where I feel like I am the reason the ones I love are hurting and being destroyed. There are days where this mental illness leaves me more alone and isolated than I ever wanted. But it’s also a big part of who I am right now. And until I spend five years in therapy talking to some shrink, I know I will continue to lose to the triggers and the thoughts.

So for those that are around right now, for those that love me and want to be there for me, please don’t give up on me when I’m having my bad days. Please don’t let me sink into my own head and try to help me keep control. To the ones that I love, family, friends and you, please know that every day I am trying my hardest to be in control, some days I win and others I lose, but I’m still me and I am thankful for you all each and every day.

If you want to get in touch with me about BPD, then find me on facebook, twitter or Instagram. I hope that each person that has this mental illness finds a way to have control. I always will be here to listen because I can understand more than you’d believe. I hope wherever you are in the world, you are happy and healthy and until you hear from me again, keep smiling, the world needs to see it.

Categories
Give Thanks!

100 Blog Posts!

Today marks my 100th blog post for OpenUpWithMe and I thought I’d use this post to celebrate.

I’ve come a long way since I started writing back in semi consistently back in 2018. I have covered a range of topics from mental health, being a first time mum as well as my own personal battles and accomplishments. I had the absolute privilege to interview one of my favourite upcoming singer/songwriters as well as creating fun lists that just distract my mind a little. I’ve covered many issues that are prominent in a life filled with BPD and still manage to take time to process it all.

In the last few years, I’ve come a long way emotionally and mentally but still have far to go. I’ve taken small steps and overcome things I thought I wouldn’t. And I’ve lost people I thought I would have had in my life forever.

I gained and lost one of my best friends. And even though that hurt and cut deep, I wont continue to be upset about it. Because even though they are no longer in my life, I am more thankful for them than many others I have lost over the two years. Without them, this blog wouldn’t be what it is today because I wouldn’t have been holding on for the possibility of a brighter future. I owe them so much, and there will always be a space for them in my life because I owe them it. They talked me down from suicide, spent hours on the phone to me, trying to distract me from the negatives and spent hours texting me so that I never felt alone. So thank you!

I’ve had some of highest highs and the lowest lows and it was always my best friends that picked me up and helped me see sense. I am truly lucky to have so many people looking out for me. I am lucky to have so many people to turn to in my lowest times, even if I don’t when I know deep down I should.

In almost two years, I have had some amazing feedback, and created bonds that go beyond just writing. I have been fortunate enough to inspire so many others to write their own journeys, to piece together their own feelings and to put pen to paper and write what they know. I have had countless people write to me, expressing how I’ve helped them and that they are thankful I’m writing because I have found the words to say when they couldn’t. I now have over 115 followers, over 3900 views and more than 2000 visitors. My words have been viewed in countries around the world by people I have never met. My blog wont ever be the biggest or most popular but I have helped more people than I thought I would and that has been my greatest reward. The stats don’t matter unless my words mean something to someone.

When I first started this blog, it was to process my thoughts and feelings and now its turned into something more. I have been planning blog posts, thinking of ideas and trying to make my blog something more. I love writing, its one of the best ways I found of expressing the things that I have trouble saying. Last year, I saved up to pay for my own website and to try and make it even bigger, however I feel like a part of me done it prematurely. And as of August this year, this sites domain will change back to the original one.

Thank you to every single reader. To every person that has been in touch and to every person that has followed me and pushed me to write more, thank you. Thank you to every single person that has sat up with me and been there when I’ve had trouble writing. Thank you to the few people that I love more because they have pushed me and each every day.

As this blog piece comes to an end, my blog however will continue. I will continue to write pieces and find ways to keep pushing on with all this craziness. If anyone wants to get in touch, you can find me on twitter, facebook and Instagram. I’ll answer any time of day because every single person in this world matters. I hope where ever you are in the world, you’re happy and healthy. So until the next time, I hope that no matter what, you never lose your smile.

Categories
Mental health

Isolated and confused…

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote here, and I’m sorry now for being such a ghost. At first I had an infection which was causing me some complications with my kidneys and then I just hit a really low time that I couldn’t quite face if I’m honest. But I figured maybe writing would be able to help, if nothing else, it might remind me why I love to write.

I’m tired. I’m close to giving up. I’m trying and some days it feels like no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. I don’t always get things right, in fact, it feels like most of the time I get everything wrong, but I’m honestly trying my hardest. Even on my darkest days, I am trying to be a better person. Whether it’s being a better mother, a better friend or a better partner, I’m constantly trying to do the right thing by everyone and in the process, I feel like I’m losing touch with who I am and what I want.

My head is confused. My heart aches. My dreams seem like a waste and my life feels like a mess. I feel like I’m looking through one of those toys you had as a child, the one with all the shapes and colours, that changed when you twist it, although mine is changing with every look. Nothing makes sense. The colours and shapes don’t line up. The thoughts are dark and gloomy most of the time.

I sit and wonder how many people I’ve broken through my actions, how many people have been hurt by me trying to do the right thing. I wonder why my head is fighting me every day when I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. Now I wonder if I even know what the right thing is. Everyone is supposed to learn right from wrong when their younger, yet I feel like my entire life is a lie and that I don’t really know what’s right.

Why doesn’t life come with an instruction manual? Why doesn’t my mind come with an easy to process guide? Why can’t I just open up and tell the people I love what is bothering me? I want to. I want to be able to understand my brain enough to relay my thoughts but I can’t. I’m too scared of being too much, I’m scared of not being understood, and I’m scared of saying the wrong thing.

I thought when I got my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, that things would start to become easier and they will make sense. Don’t get me wrong, so many things make sense now compared to where I was when I started this blog, but then, so much more is confusing me. There’s so much more I want to say, I need to say but fear controls it all. I wish I could explain it, but I honestly can’t and I’m starting to hate myself for it.

I feel like I have lost so much, and that hurts more every day because I have to live with the choices I made and the pain that I caused to those that I loved. I have my reasons for doing the things that I’ve done, but I’ve hurt my friends, my family and I’m feeling like if I love them, then the only thing I know I’ll do is hurt them.

Feelings are confusing but nowhere near how my thoughts are. There are days where I just want my brain to make sense and then others where I don’t even remember what’s wrong. I thought I was beginning to find myself, but then if I was, my brain wouldn’t be this confused. I thought I knew who I was, but I don’t.

At this moment, all I am, is confused. I just want everything to make sense. I want my brain to make sense. I want to know what direction i’m heading. Because right now, I just feel like I am stuck in a cold and lonely place with the highest walls up around me and no way to break out. Every time I think I have found a door to escape the walls, its just another room built the same way. The worst part is, I know that people just want me to be fixed because when they see upset or hurting, they can’t fix it. But unfortunately there is no magic cure for being emotionally unstable and fucked in the head.

If your loved ones are suffering, just hug them tighter. Sometimes they cant reach out the way they want too. They can’t figure things out themselves, so trying to explain it is harder than normal. Don’t take your loved ones for granted, because they may need more than they’re letting on. Normally I write about how you can find me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, but the truth is, if you’re reaching out to talk about me, I probably wont answer. However, I am always here for you. Even if its just a distraction. I could use one of those myself right now.

I hope where ever you are in the world, you are keeping your smile! Don’t let this world take it from you.