Interview with Dan Olsen!

As part of my original schedule, I had planned to have an interview with an inspiration of mine, at least once a month. However, what with the move, many things had to take a back seat. I am now pleased to announce that I finally managed to sit down with a friend of mine and have a long-awaited conversation. For those of you who don’t know that person is Dan Olsen.

Dan started following me on twitter a fair few years ago and I’ve been following his music career ever since. It’s great to have built a connection with him that means we both get support each other as he has done with this interview. I’ve also been lucky enough to have him sing me Happy Birthday a few times as well. Dan is an international singer-songwriter from the Faroe Islands but now lives and produces his own music in London. Unfortunately, due to personal issues, I haven’t gotten around to seeing him perform live, but it is on my to do list. Dan is one of my inspirations because he has taught me to never to give up on my dreams. He left the safety and security of his home nation, to fly to this country and pursue his music career. If I say so myself, he is doing incredible for himself. He taught me that although times can be tough and giving up is easy, that in order to win, you need to keep trying. Dan has toured in many countries and has a love for going to China, having been there a few times and has had his music used in a film. He has many songs that I absolutely love, and you should totally check them out but my favourite by far is the one just below.

What/who inspired you to be a singer-songwriter? It must have come in steps. Jack Johnson was the first singer-songwriter who led me to start singing on top of the guitar playing I was already doing and the one who stylistically inspired my first songs. And then seeing other young musicians making a career and thinking “I can do that!” (I love Jack Johnson and have listened to his music for years.)

What would be your favourite thing about creating and releasing music? When I write something that I’m happy with and it makes me feel like a kid – that’s the best feeling. After that comes when I feel like I’ve nailed the production on it and done the song justice. And lastly, when my audience make a connection with the song. That’s why I love hearing back from you. 

Do you have a process for writing? I used to always start on the guitar and getting a guitar riff down to then build a singing melody on top and add words. For a while it’s been 50/50 between that and coming up with a singing melody from nothing and then adding the guitar and then words. Now I’m slowly adding the method of starting with lyrics or a concept and working from there.

How old was you when you wrote your first song and what was it about? I must have been about 21, it was called “Lucky You” and it was basically saying “if you feel like you should have started this and that earlier in your life, well you’re in luck  because it’s never too late and you should just start now”.

How do you handle rejection in terms of your music? I used to take it personal sometimes. But you soon realize that you’re never ever going to make everyone happy with one single song. Because everyone’s taste is different. So, from knowing that you start thinking ‘hey, let me just write what I like, and if one or thousands or millions more like it then happy days either way’. The good thing is, I can always write another one. And that I will regardless.

What song did you have the most fun creating the video for? There are three I suppose. Candy Shop and In the Summer were fun because we had great actors in them, and the banter was great. Christmas Time With You was also a lot fun because it almost felt like a holiday at the same because we travelled to the Alps in Switzerland and had so much fun shooting the video.

What inspired you to move to London to pursue your music career? It was a combination of things. I’d always wanted to try living in London. And I felt London or L.A. would have the best scenes for getting lots of gigs and for networking. And London proved to tick both boxes from the get-go.

What advice could you give to someone who wants to build a career in music? Everyone’s different. Realize that first and what I mean by that is in terms of knowing that one thing that works for someone might not work for you. There are so many ways to “the top”. So naturally this advice will mainly be based on my own experiences. – Try things out. Get as much gigging experience as possible. Meet other musicians and collaborate. Try to organize your life in a way where all work effort is put into music so that you can get better and better at your craft whether that be writing, performing, producing etc or all of them. It’s a tough industry so if you want to make a living from it, you’ll have to be smart about it. It might mean you’ll have to lower your standard of living for the first years. It humbles you but it makes it possible and so rewarding when it pays off.

What advice could you give to someone who wanted to move to a different country? My advice would be this: say yes to everything! This could very well be your first and last chance to have these special experiences and not to mention potential new friendships this country has to offer.

Who is your biggest inspiration? Why? Who? Hmm… there really are probably too many to mention. From family to friends to sport people and music people and more. Everyone has something different to offer.

What would you say is your biggest achievement in terms of your music? I would say it’s to trust my instincts in terms of my own song writing but also my musical career choices.

How many instruments can you play and how old were you when you learnt? Probably just guitar. This I started learning when I was around 12. Then I dabble in piano, ukulele, bass guitar, banjo, harmonica etc.

What was your favourite thing about living in Australia? The weather was an amazing improvement. And not to mention the nature and the different animals.

Who would be your dream duet partner? Hmmm… Adele? But I’d look bad next to her!

Your song Heart Into Trouble was in the film, Carnivore, can you tell me what the best part about that process was? It’s always with that kind of recognition for your work. But the favourite part is probably that it led me to the film crew of the film which has then resulted in them creating some of my favourite music videos for me.

I know you can’t give too much away about your upcoming projects, but is there anything you can tell me? I’m putting this EP out!! And so far, Still Be Gone and Lost in the Moment have been released – they’re out everywhere!

Lastly, where are you looking at touring next? More info to come.

https://www.facebook.com/danolsenmusic/

https://www.danolsenmusic.com/

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this interview, thank you to Dan for helping me with my first piece and thank you to everyone who has shown him support. He is a performer which means he wouldn’t be where he is today without the love and support of his fans! I hope you all have a great day and enjoy whatever you’re doing right now. Make sure to check out my social media, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for all the latest information on any blog related stuff. It will also be the place I drop my next name for my next interview. Keep your eyes pealed! And as always, keep smiling :). Ferrari.

It’s been a while…

It’s been a while since I wrote and oh my goodness, do I have so much to tell you amazing readers. I thought it was about time I gave you all an update and an answer for my few months of ghosting my blogging site. It’s not that I have forgotten about any of you, it’s that so much happened in such a short space of time that I needed to gather my thoughts and make something of myself.

Back in September, I got my first flat in my hometown with my baby girl. What was supposed to be a fresh start for us all, turned into a girl’s place for me and my little princess! And if I’m honest, I am finally starting to have a more positive outlook. It’s taken two months, but the flat is looking more like a home than just a moving sight. Thing’s are starting to find their own places and slowly but surely, we are building up a routine that works for both of us.

After four and a half years, Kieran and I have decided to call it a day on our relationship. We had many issues that we never worked through and instead they got pushed back for our daughter to be our focus. We stopped acting like a couple and were co-existing for the sake of her. It’s heart breaking to know that she doesn’t have her two parents under the same roof but it’s going to work out for the best. She will be lucky and have two loving homes filled with parents that adore her more than she will ever realise.

I will not pretend to be the innocent party in the breakup, I was far from it. He tried to love me for all my faults, but we couldn’t make it work. For nearly two years, I have felt like I trapped him. Our daughter was conceived during one of our break ups, and since then, I have felt like he only stuck around for the sake of a child. We stopped paying attention to our issues and focused all our time on Luna. I wish we had done the mature thing and went our separate ways before all the extra drama but that wasn’t the case. I tried to make it work for her sake, as I know he did, but it wasn’t enough. That’s okay, because not everything in this life was meant to work out.

Mentally, I wasn’t okay. I was exhausted. I wasn’t bonding with Luna, I tried to avoid doing things with her because I didn’t want to hurt her or fuck her over. I stopped taking care of myself and didn’t care much for my appearance. I would pretend to be okay for the sake of everyone else. I buried things in the hopes that they would disappear and it’s only recently that I realised just how much it was affecting me.

Since the breakup and him moving out, I have turned the flat into a home. I have done things that I asked him to do and got bored of waiting for. I have organised Luna’s room into a child friendly place and given her a place to call her own. I have managed to get control of my eating and although it’s still not at the routine it should be, I am getting better. But I’m also learning how to be a mother because I have been failing recently.

Its only been since Kieran left, that I realised how much I was thankful for him for. I will not start to badmouth him, but it was definitely an eye opener. I realised how much I relied on him and how much he did without me asking. I am beyond pleased to say that 9/10 times he’s a great dad, which is far better odds than how I was as a mother until a week or two ago. Luna is learning that rubbish goes in the bin and will take it there herself. She is learning to put toys away after herself and that tantrums will not get you attention. But oh, my word, it’s so difficult.

I love my little lady more than anyone will ever know, but she has pushed me to breaking point so many times that I’ve rang Kieran or my mum in tears because I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t cope with telling her off and having to listen to her cry for me. I couldn’t cope with her hitting me and worse, I couldn’t cope with not being her dad. He is her idol and for the almost two years of her life, he did way more than I ever did.

Being a mum is by far one of the most rewarding titles, but it will never cost me my daughter. I may have many areas in which I was lacking, but I am trying my hardest to change that. I am finally getting out of the depression that I sunk so deep into. I am finally recognising the happiness in each and every day. But most of all, I’m finally starting to look on the brighter side to living. Sure, it’s hell sometimes. And I hope that many of you will continue this journey with me.

Lastly, I want to say thank you to every person that liked my Facebook page dedicated to my blog. Unfortunately, that was tied to an account I no longer have access too. I will however be making a new one and I hope that you will all give that one the same love and support that you gave the last. I hope to be blogging more often now and have already started making plans for Blogmas next month! It’s going to be brilliant (I hope). Thank you all for the love and support I have received recently, especially to those that saw I was struggling and held out the arms to welcome me in. I truly appreciate it. You can still catch me on Instagram and twitter by clicking either of those links and I hope to have a new Facebook page up soon. Hopefully it won’t be as long next time, but until then, keep smiling. Ferrari.

Since I posted it, I have now managed to create a new Facebook page, so if you could all go give it a like, I would really appreciate it. 🙂

September!

August wasn’t a bad month for blogging! I beat my previous month of readers by over 129% and I am truly beyond thankful for you guys taking the time to read what I’ve written. It really does mean a lot. I’ve been blogging more consistently over the last year and watching my blog grow has truly been incredible. I have a new post due to come out every other day so I can dedicate at least half of my time working on my novel which seems to have taken a back seat. I also have a new place to move into and decorate which means that I may not be able to commit to my schedule as much as I would like. However, I promise to keep everyone updated via my social media accounts.

As you can see, I’ve chosen a dark blue for this month! And that’s because it’s the month of the Sapphire. According to legend, Sapphire is said to protect whoever is wearing the stone from evils, harm and stress. I personally love this gem and think it’s truly beautiful. With that in mind, I think it’s time to treat myself to a new sapphire set of earrings! I could do with a less stressful month.

So, what do I have planned for you guys this month?

  • Liebster Award – thank you Ronald for the nomination.
  • Superstitions! Of course, that will be live on Friday the 13th.
  • Two Mumma Life Posts!
  • Two Mental Health updates.
  • An Open Letter to the doctor who saved my life.
  • And much, much, more!

I am also trying out a followers inspired post! Head over to either my Instagram, Facebook or Twitter pages and let me know a topic that you think I should look at. It could be anything from getting to know me better, current affairs, a film or tv and so on. It can be whatever you want, after all, you all read what I’ve written so much, I thought I could be nice and return the favour.

I owe you amazing readers an explanation. My first interview with an inspiration post has been postponed until further notice for a few reasons. Although I have been in touch with said individual, they are currently in the studio recording new music for their upcoming album. I am eager to get the ball rolling on this blog series, but I want it to be perfect and true to the idea in my head. Which means being patient.

Lastly, I want to thank you all for your continued support. It really does mean a lot to me. I’ve had my fair share of readers reach out to me, and comment on my work and that truly means the world to me. I love to write, and it’s becoming much more than just a hobby. But with that, means I’m becoming more critical of my work and keep second guessing myself. Although, I am trying to work on that.

If you wish to keep updated with all blog related news, make sure to check out all my social media pages and give them a follow. I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. And more importantly, that you keep smiling. Ferrari.

The Mystery Blogger Award!

I never thought I’d be writing this post, because as of a few weeks ago, I hadn’t heard of the Mystery Blogger Award, and I didn’t actually find out what it was until I was nominated. So firstly I want to thank Ronald for nominating me. I feel so honoured that you think so highly of my blog, it really does mean a lot. You are a great support, and all my readers should totally go and check out his blog by clicking here!

The Mystery Blogger Award was created by Okoto Enigma, in honour of getting recognition to bloggers that work hard and provide posts that are worth reading but aren’t for many reasons, discovered. It’s for bloggers that inspire and encourage people all around the world. And I think it’s incredible! As a blogger, we spend a lot of our time writing things that we are passionate about, and I know that those I am going to mention are amazing at this as well.

As with any worthy award, there are rules and they are as follows.

  • Put the award logo/image on your blog.
  • List the rules.
  • Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  • You have to nominate 10 – 20 people
  • Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  • Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  • Share a link to your best post(s)

I guess I should probably tell you three things about me so;

– I am actually a big WWE fan, and I love and watch as much as I can. I mean on PPV nights, I watch as much as I can before I fall asleep and I’m generally tweeting about it.  – Luna downloaded some albums onto my phone via Apple Music, because she wanted Rey Mysterio’s entrance… My phone is on shuffle and it decided to play the Bella’s entrance music just as I wrote that and not going to lie, I sat gigglying to myself. –

– I am a massive reader and will always make a point of reading the books and watching the films because I think the writer and directors of both have different views and ideas, and I like to compare them… Yes, I am a nerd.

– I once was on a sailing boat and did things that you see pirates do in movies… It was one of the scariest three days of my life! We were out to sea during a thunderstorm and I was petrified. I can’t swim and I hate thunderstorms. It was also extremely hard work, I came back and was sore for days, but it was amazing and if you can ever have the chance to sail a proper boat, I recommend it.

5 Questions Answered;

1: What are the five things you cannot live without? Why does it have to be things Ronald? Because for one, I cannot live without my daughter! But oooookay. I will do material things. My notepad, because I am forever writing things down. My ipod, it has way too many songs because I only ever add to it. So I have music from my childhood on it and it’s nice to have those memories. My laptop and Phone because I have friends that I don’t get to see and I always love talking to them! And my Finn Balor Leather Jacket! I love my jacket even if it is a guys jacket and bigger than me! It was brought for me by mum for Christmas and as long as it’s not too hot outside, I will be wearing it!

2: According to you, what is a perfect day? I’m a mum so it would always be any day that has my daughters laugh and smile because there is no perfect moment. She has an ear infection so she’s really clingy at the moment and isn’t her happy bubbly self which really sucks.

3: Which celebrity you would love to meet? And why? Okay, so this stumped me. I don’t know if they are considered a celebrity but they are also dead. So, it’s more a person of history than one of a current celebrity. I would want to meet J.M Barrie. He is the author of The Complete Adventures of Peter Pan, and theres more to the story than Wendy. I love the stories and have read the collection. They are some of my most favourite pieces of work and I want to know what inspired him to write it. Before he died, he gave the rights to Peter Pan stories to Great Ormond Street Hospital and personally, that is someone I would like to meet.

4: Who or what inspired you to take up blogging? I don’t think anyone inspired me to start blogging. I think it was more, I had a lot of things going on and I just wanted a place where I could write how I felt and nobody could tell me what I could or couldn’t say because it was my space. I come from a big family and often felt like I was ignored because my brothers needs would and should have always came first.

5: Describe an incident involving you that you’re not proud of. Any incident involving my partners mother. She’s not the easiest of people to talk to and it’s even harder considering she doesn’t give a shit about her only granddaughter, she can only ever seem to think of herself. However, I always seem to let her get under my skin and end up saying things out of anger because of how my brain reacts. BPD is really tricky to try and keep level headed when emotion is involved. But I am slowly getting better. I mean I’m talking about it more rather than losing my shit straight away.

I’m supposed to pick my best posts, but I can’t because everyone will always have a different opinion to me, so I thought I’d list the ones that meant the most to write. As I only shared a really emotional post last night, I wont include that one. But here are some of my others.

I wanted to pick some of the great bloggers that offer me such support and love every time! They help me during writers block and provide great content. I am so proud of all their hard work and this is my way of encouraging them not to give up.

  • Amy Jane; she provides a travel/food blog which at times gives me serious envy. But I am so fortunate enough to live vicariously through her! Check out her blog;
  • Lozza; she is an incredible person and I am so fortunate to follow her and receive her support. Honestly, check out her blog! Its amazing.
  • ThoughtsWithN; Her lifestyle blog is really creative and covers wellbeing as well as parenting. Go check out her blog!
  • Edley; He is a great guy who is blogging about his personal battle with M.S as well as sharing other peoples stories and giving them a platform to speak. Check out his blog, here.
  • BeardedIgor; Again, another great guy whos blog is very interesting to read. He talks about his journey to happiness despite mental health complications. Check him out, here!
  • My Simple Mind; She has an awesome mental health blog and in general is a great loving person. Go and check out her blog.
  • Shannon; She blogs about her life and not only that, but there’s poetry! She’s an amazing person and well worth a check!
  • Breanna; She’s only posted one post, because she got a full time job and is still trying to work out a schedule but here’s for when she comes back.
  • AstralOutfitter; if you’re a foodie, this blog is for you! There are a few recipies that sound tasty and a must read for any experimentalists out there. Check out their blog, here.
  • LucyMayyyReads; if you’re a big reader… this is the blog for you! From classics you haven’t read, to ones you can’t put down. Check her out now!
5 Questions Asked
  • What is your favourite song of all time?
  • What makes you smile most when you’re upset?
  • Have you ever played a prank on someone? If so, I want details.
  • Where do you see yourself in five years?
  • Dr Pepper or Coca-Cola?

Thank you again Ron, for nominating me, it means a lot! And to all my readers, thank you for taking the time to read through a post that is very much about showing support to multiple bloggers that aren’t as mainstream as they should be. I hope you all have a good day, and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.

I tried stand up…

I have a lot of bad habits that I’m trying to kick in my life and one of them, is living life in fear. I let fear control a lot of what I say and do which is no way to live and I never want Luna to live her life behind fear. I want her to reach for the moon and land among the stars. I want her to never give up on something that she really wants, no matter how out there it may be. I figured it would be time to start facing those fears, even if it means landing flat on my arse.

I love to make people laugh and try to cheer everyone up as best I can, because I hate it when people aren’t okay. I have a lot of love for stand-up comedians and even more so now that I have gotten up on stage and seen it through their eyes. I have a lot more respect for what they do and let me tell you now, it is tough!

So, for the last few months, I’ve been saying that I wanted to do a comedy night because I am hilarious –in the words of others anyway-. And figured why not. I mean what did I really have to lose. Nothing. That’s what. Me and one of my mates were discussing about when would it be best to do the stand up, and well I wanted to wait until after I had my teeth sorted because I was extremely self-conscious of smile and talking was a different story. I couldn’t exactly get up on stage and cover my mouth the entire time… that would have looked ridiculous. And after getting used to wearing a denture and by the time I was no longer on any medication for the swelling I thought what the hell.

On the 6th of August, I was sat at home at about 12pm, and started to look around for places that would do amateur stand-up. I know my brain, if I sit and wonder about it for too long, I will find way too many ways to talk myself out of it. So, it had to be soon. I found one called the ‘Comedy Car Crash’ which I thought was perfect given the fact I was named after a car. I wanted to be covered for if it was a complete wreck. They had one that night at half 7… I thought it was perfect and messaged one of my friends to ask what his plans were for that night and when he said he didn’t have any, I was like great!

Well, that night I made my way to London, first stopping off at my mate’s house to drop my stuff off and to get ready and then onto The Lion’s Den in Bar Rumba off Piccadilly Circus. I signed up and was told that all 14 places were filled, so I’d go in the Wishlist hat which meant the chance of performing became smaller. I figured that I could have one drink to calm the nerves that had started building. I wasn’t nervous until I got there and started to realise there was a chance, I’d be talking to a room full of strangers and trying to make them laugh. I don’t honestly it set in until I got there and because of it, I was deluding myself.

One drink turned into two before the show had even started. I was a nervous wreck. What was I doing? I hadn’t prepared anything. I was just going to wing it. I saw all these faces building and I was getting worse. If the alcohol wasn’t going to make me hurl, my own anxiety was. We were told that the show would be starting in three minutes and I was started to take it out on my drink. It went pretty quickly.

*Side note* Now this is where my brain gets fuzzy and I apologise. I was a wreck. I did make notes for this piece whilst I was drunk, and they are quite interesting to read sober. Let me tell you.

The show started with Chester Constable and I can remember laughing so hard. He was a great way to start the show and it made me forget for a few minutes what I was going to be doing that night. He managed to make me laugh and forget my mind but that could have had something to do with the alcohol in my system. Then the acts started to come on stage, and it was interesting. I got to see so many different people and different styles of comedy that I found myself in stitches for most of the first half.

At the time of the second half starting, I was onto my fourth drink. My mind was telling me that the chances of me performing were slim to none as there was already ten other people in the wish list hat. I believed it and continued to drink. By the time I was halfway through my fourth one, I looked at my friend and said, it’ll be just my luck that I must get on stage this intoxicated. Well, wasn’t I right? By the time everyone had performed, it was close to the end of the night and it was time for the wish list. They would pick as many as they could to perform that night and picking a couple at the end for a guaranteed spot next week. My chances of performing just shot through the roof and I was way too intoxicated to take it seriously.

The first act of our group performed, and I was sitting there thinking that wasn’t too bad. Who’s going to get up and follow that. Then the host got to the stage and started talking about a car… I knew it was me. Me and my mate looked at each other at the same time and I was just like OH CRAP! My insides wanted to pour onto the floor. My mind was a mess and I’m not going to lie, I was quite surprised that I managed to make it onto the stage without falling over. I got on stage, and my mind went blank. I forgot my name. Forgot where I was. Forgot all about the alcohol and just babbled. I can’t remember what I said, or what jokes I cracked, and a part of me thinks that’s a good thing. I remember people laughing and thinking about well, one laugh is better than none. I think I took the piss out of my name; I mean why wouldn’t I, and of course that got laughs because vroom vroom. But I don’t remember the ins and outs. I remember the bright lights that was shining in my face, magnified by whatever cocktails I had downed. I remember looking into the crowd and not making out faces, they were just blobs that laughed.

As soon as I had finished, I basically ran to my chair, gave a couple of high fives as I sat down and then just wanted to disappear. As soon as the show was over, I made my mate basically run away from the club because I wanted to sink into a pit and just hide! I had done it but at what cost? I remember asking him about if it was funny and he said it was. But then, he would have said anything that night to stop me from beating myself up about it. We made our way back to his and I passed out crying about something I can’t remember. I really did feel for him that day. I remember bumping my head a few times too and I must have been chatting shit, but all the emotion was finally over. I had done it!

I learned quite a lot about myself and about stand up that day. So, I thought I’d make a list of things to do if you ever feel like giving stand-up a go.

  • Do not drink your nerves away! It could end badly!
  • Nerves are okay. It’s good to be nervous because you’re putting yourself out there, just remember that others are too.
  • If you choose an amateur night, you will have plenty other people who have never gotten on stage before so you’re all in the same boat.
  • The idea is to make people laugh, so do that whilst staying true to who you are.
  • If you plan on drinking, EAT FIRST! I didn’t and was way more intoxicated than I should be.
  • Prepare something! Because otherwise you’re on stage forgetting yourself.

I never thought I would get back up and talk to people again because of my teeth. I never thought I’d put myself out there by giving a part of myself to be vulnerable. I was scared that I wasn’t going to make people laugh, even though I do it a lot of the time. I was scared that I would make a fool out of myself and well that’s kind of the point of making people laugh. That day, to that audience, I gave a bit of myself to the world. No, it was far from perfect, but it was me. It was scaring and it was out of my comfort zone. But every single person there that night, helped me push myself and I am so thankful. To all the strangers in the room that laughed at me, thank you. Now, would I do it again? Sure. But I certainly won’t be getting drunk. Maybe I could compare the two, I don’t know. But what I do know is, I want to keep putting myself out of my comfort zone because there’s so much more to this life to experience.

Thank you to everyone who helped and encouraged me to follow my heart to that club that night. Thank you to Liam who held my hand whilst I was so nervous, I thought I was going to hurl. Thank you to the endless love and support I got after! You are all amazing.

Want to see all future fear facing adventures, make sure to follow my blog, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram to stay up to date on what I’m getting up too. Thank you for reading, and I hope that wherever you are in the world, you keep smiling. Ferrari.

An open letter to a broken friendship…

I wanted my first piece in my open letters to be someone that meant a lot to me. I wanted to write pieces in this bracket that meant something to people that aren’t in my life or don’t realise how important they truly are. It’s for the people who inspired me and helped shape the person I am. Those people could be teachers that taught me during school or the stranger I passed in the street at a time when I was at my weakest. But each person helped me, and I want them to know I appreciated it.

“An open letter to a broken friendship,”

Before I start, if there is even a small chance, you’ll read this, I want you to respect the friendship we created 20 years ago and read to the bottom.

It takes a bigger person to suck up their pride and admit wrongdoing than it does to be the type of person that buries their head in the sand. I’m not saying that I am above you, but I am tired of holding onto something that should have been buried years ago… apparently because of circumstances that hasn’t happened. So, think of this as closure. 

You were my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one big case of drama, and I know the same could be said for me. We have known each other for 20 of our almost 26 years on this planet. That’s an extremely long time and in that time, we have gone from being closer than sisters to being worse than strangers. We have hit every peak and crashed into every pit. But I can promise you now, no matter what you may think of me, it will never change the fact that I’d be there every time you needed. I would answer every call and every message with an open heart because I gave up holding onto anger around you years ago. You may have stopped classing me as a friend, doesn’t mean I stopped being one. I never did. You were just too angry to see it.

We haven’t spoke in three years and regardless of who said what, I haven’t slagged you off. I haven’t undermined our friendship and I would never downplay our friendship. I mean you’ve said some of the worst things to me you could have, and I still would be there for you because that is who I am. I am the person that dropped my niece’s birthday party to come around yours when you were upset. I am the person that held your hand countless times when you thought the world was crashing around you, but I am also the person that wears her heart on her sleeve and has more emotions than sense. I’m also the person that knows this is the hardest month of your life and it comes around every year, and I know you will feel weaker in August compared to every other month of the year but this isn’t at all a dig at you. 

That last argument, we argued, and you said I was the cause of your mental health and that broke my heart. It isn’t true because looking back you had problems that I should have helped you with, but you shut me out before I could. You get something into your mind and there is no changing it. It’s one of the things I do admire about you. I admire that even though you have been through shit, you haven’t given up. But I am scared. I am scared that there are things in your life that you haven’t accepted and if you want to discuss it, I am always here with an open door, but that doesn’t mean that I want you actively in my life.

I have never stopped caring about you. I will never stop caring about you. I have a habit of taking things the wrong way and you have a way of wording things to make the biggest impact. And you always said that if you were to destroy someone, you would do it mentally and for a long time, I believed you. It took many counselling sessions to see that you played just as much a part in fucking up as I did. You can not preach to me that everything you said and did was peachy, it wasn’t. You go above and beyond when you get hurt to make sure that you’re not the only one affected. You make sure that they know they hurt you by hurting them just as much. It’s a great defence mechanism but it will cost you everything if you aren’t careful. I realised that I leaned on you more than you did me, I cared more and for a long time, it was one sided. Even after we stopped talking, it was still one sided.

I stopped being angry after you left because there was no point. We said things out of anger, and I weren’t about to stay angry at myself and, for the thousandth time, I found myself forgiving you. I forgave you without ever hearing an apology. I forgave you for what you said and how you acted. I forgave you for once again making me feel like my feelings didn’t matter and that you were the one being neglected. I am however going to say this once, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let my emotions get the better of me. I am sorry that I got too emotionally invested in our friendship that what you said felt like an attack long before it was one. I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that it’s still hurting you. I am sorry that you haven’t found closure or peace in your life surrounding me and I hope that this letter helps you find that.

I stopped hurting over you when I realised that even though you have been your worst version of yourself regarding me, that I haven’t been the nicest to you either. I stopped hurting when I realised that for every bad and upsetting memory that has you in it, I have ones that made me smile. I realised that just because you find comfort in still slagging me off, I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

I can’t pretend that even after everything I don’t miss you because I do. 20 years ago, I signed up to be your friend for life and sometimes I sucked at it, but I’m only human and I’m far from perfect. That friendship meant celebrating with you at your best and embracing you when you were being quite frankly a pain in my ass. I agreed to love you for who you are, and I’ve known exactly who you are for years and yet I still love you. I love that at one point, nobody could have touched us. That we had the strongest bond any two people could have because we went through hell, sat with the devil and discussed plans for takeover. We kicked ass because when we were being honest and true with each other, there wasn’t a single person that could have got between us. You were and probably will always be my soul mate.

You know me better than you think. And even though your emotions have misguided us, you know that I have been there for you and held your hand more than you give me credit for. I know that you have made sure that I was nothing but a negative memory for you and I pity you for that. You were one of the first people I wanted to message when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t and still haven’t spoke to you and I hate it. Not because I want you in my life, but because I thought you’d always be here. I never imagined my life without you in it. I guess I was optimistic that we had gone through some of the worst things imaginable and found a way back until that last argument.

There are days where I miss you. Where something will happen, or I’ll hear a joke and think of you. I’d think about how if you were there, we’d be laughing over something so small but filled with memories of a happier time. We talked about what would happen when we started our different families and got married. We talked about being god parents to each other’s children and bridesmaids at each other’s weddings. We spoke about growing old laughing at all the people that said we couldn’t be friends and how wrong they were. Yet none of them will happen, and if you can honestly say that doesn’t affect you, then the truth is my friendship never meant anything. I wouldn’t change the fact that you aren’t in my life because I have grown as a person thanks to our arguments. But I do miss and respect you more than you will ever know. I love you. I always will. You can’t go through the number of things that we did and not have that level of admiration for the other person.

You are strong, stubborn, determined and driven. You have passion and a brighter personality than you realise. You have come a long way and I know that your future is bright and happy. I just wish you could let it go. Let go of all the resentment you’ve held. Let go of the negativity that surrounds me in your mind and just accept that what we had, is something that I don’t think can and will ever be able to be understood by anyone that isn’t us. And sometimes, it’s even too much for us. Let go of your bitterness, because it will rub off on the wrong people and you risk losing them. Just focus on your life because you have the power to make it magical.

“No matter how many times we tell each other we hate each other ++ this is the final goodbye. Yet every time we need each other were always on the side-lines waiting to come back in. Thanks for being such a good reliable friend” – The tale of two friends – Does it ring a bell? It should. You wrote it and its still public on your profile. There are still pictures of me all over your social media and yet you still want the world to believe you hate me.

Girl quit playing and commit to a side. If you hate me, and if you honestly want to sit there and tell me you hate me, then have conviction. Don’t have my pictures on a profile that you’re still using and stop having my name come out of your mouth. You’ll be better off for it. But don’t ever sit there and tell me I failed at being your friend, because even now, id treat you like a friend whilst you needed me.  I would never tell you that this is goodbye again, because that would mean I’m closing the door and locking it behind me. But I will tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay that we have grown and moved on with our lives, its okay that the once unbreakable friendship broke beyond repair, and its okay that we have both grown up. But we owe it to our friendship to just stop. To close the chapter and remember it as a memory a time long ago. But to say that I regret our friendship, would always be a lie.

I will never say that I was innocent, because I wasn’t. Far from it, but I won’t pretend that I was the worst person in the world. I have come a long way and learned a lot about myself in the process. I had to! I had to try and understand over 20 years worth of shit and examine everything after I got diagnosed, because it did play a part in how I acted. I have said some nasty hurtful things out of spite, I’ve retaliated out of anger and you were in my cross hairs. You got handed a fair share of shit, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I wish I had got help sooner, maybe I could have handled the way you said things better. But then, if it wasn’t for the fact that you made me believe I was the most toxic person in the world, that I thought if that was the case, I needed help. It turns out I’m not, it’s just sometimes, you can go through hell and back with someone and not have a place in each others lives. I can be a prick, I would never shy away from that, but I have always owned up to my mistakes.

You were my best friend for the longest time. No amount of bad memories will change the good. And I’d rather remember the positive and continue without any thoughts of the negative. So, thank you. Thank you for every time you picked me up, for every time you pushed me to be more and being the one person, I counted on for the hardest days of being a teenager. To me, school was us. All my school memories, have you in them and I would never change them. Thank you for getting into trouble with me and for getting me into trouble. Thank you for the long chats that seemed funnier because we were intoxicated and for the x factor audition inspired phone calls with your dad. Thank you for being the ying to my yang and being my right side. Thank you for listening to me and being as good of a friend as you could manage. But most of all, thank you for being “the Serena to my Blair”. My life has forever been changed by your presence in it, and that is why I will never hate you.

I hope wherever you are in the world, that you’re happy and healthy. I hope you never lose your smile and your light shines brighter than you imagine. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy ever after, because I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to be in the best place mentally with hope for the future. I want you to be everything I know you can and so much more! I wish you all the best because if I didn’t, I would never have been your friend in the first place. But most of all, I want you to keep smiling! The world needs to have your smile in it!

 

Questioning myself as a mumma…

How strange is it, that the best parents I know all question themselves, when the ones that lack the fundamentals to be a parent, all think they could write the book on it?

Being a mum is one of the hardest but most rewarding titles I could ever wish to hold. I have a beautiful and highly intelligent toddler who makes me question my parenting abilities each day. I suffered with post-natal depression and it took a long time for me to bond with Luna as well as I do now. And looking back, it breaks my heart that I let fear and worry stop me from being the best. Kieran will argue and say I have always been one of the best mums he knows but I don’t believe it.

Luna has grown in leaps and bounds! She is becoming more independent every day and her sassy little personality shines through in everything she does. She has an attitude and that attitude will be a blessing and a curse. I look at how happy she is, and I still can’t believe that she is mine. She loves the outdoors and spends more time outside than she does in. She isn’t afraid to go exploring and she will talk to everyone. She cuddles everyone and is the warmest person I have ever met. She meets every milestone with enthusiasm and determination that nothing will stop her. She will take her books and flick through them tucked up in her bed under her covers and has the biggest imagination, finding fun and joy in everything.

I have such a happy and content little girl that you may find it strange that I question myself. I am so worried that I’m not doing enough. I’m worried about so many little things like if she’s happy, is she is learning like she should, is she building the key skills she should be, and do I give her too much attention. I worry that I am a negative influence in her life and that my mental state will be detrimental to her. I worry that she will have the kind of memories that Kieran and I have from our childhoods and that’s something we both don’t want to happen.

We tried to include everyone in Luna’s life. We tried to make sure that she knew her family and that she is very loved and very wanted in everyone’s life but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I’m scared that one day, that is going to break her heart. She has great family (i.e. aunts, uncles, nans and grandads) that cannot be bothered with her, some of which even live in the same town. She has a biological nan that she has never met who was given chance after chance to get to know her and come out with things like “why would I ring a baby?”. I’m scared that she’s going to realise that they don’t bother with her and it’ll break her heart. I just hope that she realises she’s better off without them.

I recently had my parenting skills questioned. They were questioned by someone who stated my daughter was being neglected. ­-My biggest fear regarding my daughter is failing her and having social services take her away. – And a few weeks ago, I had a phone call from social services about this allegation. It came from someone we gave chances to meet her, to get to know her, and after a year and a half of giving her chances to be involved and see her, and she didn’t try at all. The day we decided to cut her off, she makes this up. If she could do this, I knew she defiantly wasn’t the type of person who I wanted in Luna’s life and confirmed my decision. It didn’t stop me crying my eyes out because for a moment, I thought there might be a possibility that she was telling the truth. After speaking to social, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with my daughter and she was far from neglected. We were told that there would be no further action because there were no concerns.

Since that day, I have had the nightmare that they come and take my daughter away from me because of her and it scares the life out of me. So, I question myself in order to make sure that day never comes. I question myself, so I’m constantly finding new ways to brighten Luna’s life and give her what she needs. And what she needs is a happy home. She certainly has that. She doesn’t have to ask for anything because she has it before she gets a chance. She eats better than most adults I know, with the biggest taste for fruit and vegetables that I have ever seen. She is so strong and determined, that I shouldn’t worry. But I do. If I didn’t, I’m scared that history will repeat itself and I don’t want that. I want to know if any mothers feel the same. If they find they question themselves to make sure they’re always doing their best. I want to know if they too feel like they fail at being a parent, because I do, all the time. And my daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever met.

It’s hard being a mum, especially when you question yourself so much. But if you know your child is happy and healthy, it should be enough. What ways do you cope with the doubt that comes with being a parent? Let me know either down below in the comments or on various forms of social media, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and as always, keep smiling. Ferrari.